[xyzcf]

So great to hear about your journey. You have been patient, knowing that this was not going to be a quick fix. What struck me is that he came back "repentant" ...

I chose the marriage and family hoping feelings would come in time.  Mostly because we did have such a long healthy marriage before hand and he was truly repentant.

From other couples I know who have reconciled, I know that they too found it took time, but that feelings of love did return. They also tell me that down the road, those days are in the past which I think is healthy if you are going to build a new marriage.

So congratulations and thank you for coming back to share your journey.

There is no way to predict which MLCers return, and the length of time means that many people move on to other relationships...what we have always said is that the LBSer gets to choose...you had a difficult choice since you were in love with another man, without all the baggage of the pain and hurt so that would be difficult.

Glad you are back home in Texas. Please continue to update us when you can. Many people on HS can bebefit from hearing about the possibility of reconciliation as well as the struggle that it involves.

[Finding Joy]

Thank you XYZ.  Now that I love my husband fully I am thankful I chose this hard.  I do believe blending families with exes and step children is its own hard.  For me I would have had 7 kids if I had proceeded with that situation…6 living at home.  I really did see either task as equally as hard.  The difference is as you say, I loved the other guy and did not love my husband. 

In my situation I truly felt the Lord guide me to work it out with him.  That went against my heart completely, so it was not an easy decision.  It was my fault though because I should not have been talking to anyone since I committed not to for 3 years.  I thought since we were in different states and only talked on the phone, and we were never alone it was ok.  Ha, apparently talking 24/7 for a couple of years builds attachment.  😂. I hurt myself and the other guy due to my loneliness.

God is merciful and gracious though and He redeems.

[xyzcf]

I appreciate Finding Joy your response so very much.  and your witness.

I found that with much difficulty, I let go of "my plans"..."For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"...I know that God loves me and he loves my husband very much..it is hard to trust His timing, but that is what I always come back to...Trust God.

As a side story, I do know a man whose wife had a MLC..they had 5 children..after many years he married a widow with 12 children...so they have 17 between them (hers are adults though)..made me smile when you mentioned the number of children you would have had between you.

The loneliness is really really hard...we were meant to be in relationship, I understand that.

Take care and enjoy life and all God's blessings!

[WHY]

There is no way to predict which MLCers return, and the length of time means that many people move on to other relationships...what we have always said is that the LBSer gets to choose...you had a difficult choice since you were in love with another man, without all the baggage of the pain and hurt so that would be difficult.

So this is a real question.  To RCR and the vets here….

We keep taking about the odds not being in favor of any of these MLC marriages surviving.  Too many variables.  I get it.

HOWEVER, the notion that the MLCer eventually does want to reconcile.  That % and statistic would be more meaningful to me and other LBS. 

I mean. If 10% of marriages end up in reconciliation, so be it.  But if 90% of MLCers would want to reconcile after whatever number of years.  That would be a meaningful piece of information for LBS understanding of this damn thing.

I know some MLCers never return and fantasy land works out.  BUT, what % or MLCers at the end of it all want to reconcile even if they cant. 

Please, this is a real question.  Any info is appreciated.   

[Finding Joy]

Thank you XYZ:)

WHY, I don’t have stats.  I know that many look back, but most of the time by the time they do the Left behind spouse isn’t having it.  It’s such a long harmful journey.

My husbands mom had an MLC and tried to come back after two years.  She cheated etc.  He said no thank you.

The guy who I spoke of that I was very close to and he is now engaged.  His ex does not know he is engaged, but knows he is dating and opening a couple of franchises.  She is suddenly circling around after treating him horribly for three years and divorcing him(MLC).  He has moved on obviously.

Most people just want nothing to do with someone who would put them through this.  Even myself.  By the time he started coming around I was completely over him.  No feelings at all.  In fact worse, he had treated me horribly and put me through hell.  My situation was unique in that we are military.  At the time I did not know where he would be stationed.  I knew I was moving to TX.  My son was leaning towards living with my MLCer.  I would have had my other kids.  So my son would have a mom in a different state or city and my other kids would have a dad in a different state or city.  This coupled with my conviction to try and work it out is the only reason I tried.  I absolutely did not want to.  It went against everything in me at the time and this was two years after BD he started trying to come back.  I wanted nothing to do with him.  But, I didn’t want my kids growing up without a mother or father and I felt God leading me.  I fought it.

At a certain point people get tired of being treated like nothing and start to value themselves enough.  This is often when they come back and I think so many times it’s just too late.

[FrenchHusband]

So this is a real question.  To RCR and the vets here….

We keep taking about the odds not being in favor of any of these MLC marriages surviving.  Too many variables.  I get it.

HOWEVER, the notion that the MLCer eventually does want to reconcile.  That % and statistic would be more meaningful to me and other LBS. 

I mean. If 10% of marriages end up in reconciliation, so be it.  But if 90% of MLCers would want to reconcile after whatever number of years.  That would be a meaningful piece of information for LBS understanding of this damn thing.

I know some MLCers never return and fantasy land works out.  BUT, what % or MLCers at the end of it all want to reconcile even if they cant. 

Please, this is a real question.  Any info is appreciated.

Hi Why, your question is very good, for me the answer has 3 dimensions.
Even if we had statistics I am not sure that would change things. By example if we knew for sure that 90% of MLCers will want to reconcile, what would change ? We would have expectations that every single MLCer would do it, no ? And having expectations we might change the outcome... For daily peace of mind, I prefer to keep NE.

Then there is the time : timeframe is an unknown. Let's imagine we have statistics like :
MLCers wanting to reconcile within 1 year -> 5 %
MLCers wanting to reconcile 1 year - 2 years -> 10%
MLCers wanting to reconcile 2 year - 5 years -> 40%
MLCers wanting to reconcile 5 year - 10 years -> 25%
MLCers wanting to reconcile 10 years + -> 10%

What would that change for each individual case ? The odds look positive, but who is willing to wait 1 year, 10 years or 20 years ? Many people would say "I don't want to loose this time", no ?

Then there is the damage : what amount of damage and pain are we able to suffer, on our weelbeing, on our children, on our finances ? And this last question needs to be balanced imo with the amount of damage that will have "non standing" (on children, on finances, etc.)

Each crisis is different in duration and intensity, Standing is an individual choice, I would add that it is a daily choice. Some LBS set up boundaries like time limit, PA limit, or divorce limit, and it is fine. Some other LBS don't set up boundaries in advance, but when they feel they are they move on, and it is fine.
The first purpose of Standing, imo, is for the benefit of the Stander : healing, detaching, GAL, protecting finances are healthy advises. Paving the path for reconciliation is secondary.

I chose to stand but it is not an eternal choice. I might re evaluate my postion if the situation changes. Currently I have no time limit and I don't anticipate my eventual responses to eventual evolutions. Currently for me, the benefits of standing exceed from far the disadvantages, so it is good for me.

Then there is an additional point. "Wanting to reconcile" is one thing, "having done the work of healing" another one. If my W says to me tomorrow that the wants to reconcile, but she does not want to work on herself and heal her FOO wounds, I don't think I would agree. Currently I am on my journey and my wife is on hers, I am working on myself because I have chosen to do it and because it makes me happy and it improves my relationships with the others, including my own family.
"Wanting to reconcile", imo, is more a matter of consistent actions in time than a matter of words. Actions are more meaningful than words.

[KayDee]

Then there is an additional point. "Wanting to reconcile" is one thing, "having done the work of healing" another one. If my W says to me tomorrow that the wants to reconcile, but she does not want to work on herself and heal her FOO wounds, I don't think I would agree. Currently I am on my journey and my wife is on hers, I am working on myself because I have chosen to do it and because it makes me happy and it improves my relationships with the others, including my own family.
"Wanting to reconcile", imo, is more a matter of consistent actions in time than a matter of words. Actions are more meaningful than words.

I believe my H had a stab at this when we last met. I think he was hoping I was going to 'save' him. But I told him that if he wanted to start mending things he would need to be the initiator. I suspect that this was not the response he wanted - it was all too hard for him. So you are right, and I think this is often repeated, that until they deal with their issues, it's probably pointless to work on the M. And we must heal too. Our healing may mean that we don't want someone in our life that has caused us the most damage.

What my H has now done is gone to another 'rescuer' while decisively smashing up the entire groundworks of our old R - burning his bridges with my family and friends in such an appalling way. Metaphorically, it feels like when you throw something that you could mend into the trash. Your intentions were to fix it, but you can't face the time and effort it would take, and it's been hanging around the house for a while, reminding you that you still haven't fixed it, and all you want to do is watch something light and frothy on Netflix. So you bin it in a rash of defiance and once the trash is collected there's no going back. It's gone.

My point is in step with you FH and I add to it that the community around us also plays a role. Often the foundations are no longer there at all.

[Finding Joy]

Most of the time they destroy the very foundation and it truly is from the ground up if you want to rebuild.  Much harder than a new relationship.  Imagine starting from a giant whole versus ground level.  It takes commitment on both sides, consistent actions, and it’s painful.  It really only works if both sides did enough work because the process itself hurts.

[WHY]

Most of the time they destroy the very foundation and it truly is from the ground up if you want to rebuild.  Much harder than a new relationship.  Imagine starting from a giant whole versus ground level.  It takes commitment on both sides, consistent actions, and it’s painful.  It really only works if both sides did enough work because the process itself hurts.

I really like this analogy. 

FH - as for why data like this would matter.  If 90% of MLCers want to return at the end of it.  But only 10% of marriages make it because of the LBS.  Then the best shot at closing the gap between 10% to 90% is to LIMIT THE DAMAGE to the LBS.

People would have their own ideas on how to do this.  For me, it would be to D right out the gates, and each person be on their own way as soon as possible, probably going no contact for a while.  That way the LBS would be protected (well as protected can be in this type of traumatic situation).  And it may actually allow the MLCer to not stall in the tunnel.  Have at it!  Dig faster to rock bottom etc.

Which in turn would make holding on to your MLCer and the marriage the exact opposite of what would be required to save the marriage (if we knew the stats).  It would be the exact opposite of whats preached here (drop the rope is the same sure, but I'm talking about LBS filing for D).  You can still stand while D, but the goal is to limit LBS damage.  And clearly with so few marriages surviving, LBS damage is the bigger problem.

Again RCR, Ursa, any of the vets here.  No hard data required.  But any type of guestimate would be helpful. 

As for real life data points.  I know a male MLCer, tried to come home after 10 years, no dice.  Female MLCer, came home after 3 years, remarried, happy.  Male MLCer, went through two rounds of it, wrecked his life, has regrets, but no remorse.  Not sure if he tried to go back after MLC#2, I will ask.

MLC destroys so many lives.  The children are who I worry about the most.

[Finding Joy]

WHY-The best way forward truly is to get on with life as if they are not coming back.  Do the work.  Heal.  You can of course decide to Stand, but it is important that you understand there are no guarantees.  I seriously doubt it is a 90 percent return level. 

The very thing we are told to do here is detach.  You have to detach to survive, but that detachment is the very reason in the end that if given the chance to reconcile, you may say no.  The feelings fade, the love fades and then your left with who the person actually is and the damage caused.

The person that comes back is usually still broken and it’s not attractive.  It’s all about your personal convictions and deciding if climbing this mountain of reconciliation is worth it.  It is vital though that you move forward and try to completely let go of what you had.  That is dead.  Anything new is from the ashes.