[OldPilot]

New thread

2nd one
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10272.0


First one
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10191.0

From previous thead

Great comments from Limitless and Stayed - everyone go back and read them and comment here please.

[Mitzpah]

I came to accept what happened.  Am I still angry/sad about it?  At times, yes.  Sometimes I feel a bit bitter, if I am completely honest.

When I read the squabbles here on this board, it seems that some feel that it damages their stand to have a difference of opinion voiced.  Standing is a personal decision....  If you choose to Stand, do it.  It doesn't matter what anyone else's situation or solution is or was.  If you choose to move one...move on.  That's fine.  We all have the rights and abilities to choose for ourselves.

I agree entirely with this. Acceptance is key! Sometimes it doesn't come very gracefully but it comes, eventually!

Standing is very much a personal decision. I know that some people close to me in RL don't agree with my decision, however, they have learnt that I have the right to decide how I lead my life! My boundary setting 

This was not a good time for any of us.  That being said, I can't bare the idea of any LBS being left behind, stuck in a downward spiral of pain and grief.  I will resort to any tactic to prevent that.  I haven't been on the forum for a long time and now remember clearly why I left. 

I agree Stayed, that this has not been a good time in our lives. Yes, we absolutely need to rise out the downward spiral of pain and grief. Life is a gift to be thoroughly enjoyed, not wasted in bitterness and resentment.
Some of us take a little longer than others (ok, some take a lot longer) to find the way out. Part of coming to this site is a will to find a way forward.

I think the beauty of this site is that it offers a helping hand to find the tools that lift people up. Not everybody finds solace in religion and on this site we have many schools of thought to provide comfort and help at a most distressing time of life. I think we all need to respect how each one of us finds acceptance and peace as we go forward on this beautiful adventure of life, rudely interrupted by a severe crisis.

MLC is not the first life crisis I have faced, it is the one that has really knocked me down, on the other hand, the other crisis (deaths, severe accidents, mental health issues in close family, church problems) that have appeared since, have been navigateable (sp?) due to knowledge acquired during my h.'s MLC. I am still learning!

I hope you are all enjoying your day and finding joy in life

[31andcounting]

Old Timer jumping on board

(hugs)
31

[Acorn]

A New Timer jumping aboard to learn!

[strawberry]

 Well, Lisa, given what I wrote was on no way intended to be an attack, so I guess it’s good you didn’t find it up to snuff as one.  I sincerely apologize if you felt it was an attack rather than the depisscusion it was meant to be.

I’m a newbie to this forum (though I now realize he’s been in MLC for years).  I come to this forum for support and advice because RL and therapists were unable to understand why I didn’t just file for D and tell H to go F himself the day he moved out.  I very much appreciate honesty and tough love.  But both can be delivered with compassion and tact.  Nah’s Post was perfection.

I’ve avoided posting to these threads unless I have a question for those that have been around for a while since I doubt I can add much of worth, but I read them as I find the more informative than my boring thread.

I believe that some of you have some less than positive history with MBIB, but keep in mind that there are people new to this process reading these threads like their sanity depends on it and not just the person you are addressing.  I would urge you to be honest, and be blunt even if necessary, but maybe try to do it in a helpful way and keep in mind that tone almost never comes across correctly in text.  Telling someone they don’t deserve or apprieciate their MLC spouse was shocking and unnecessary IMHO.

[Ready2Transform]

One of the things that really attracted me to this site in 2012 was the diversity. From learning to pray novenas from xyzcf and mitzpah to getting straight talk that I didn't always want to hear from stayed, the influence and unique stance of each person here is what sets this environment apart. I came in on the tail end of HB's time here and gained comfort from some of her writings as well as the creative way RCR chose to frame this incredibly difficult journey we are all on. I wish some of you newbies could have the Friday night comedy gab sessions on MammaBear's thread, Wed2HimForever's magical way with storytelling through gifs, and of course, DGU's photographic reference ability to the articles.

Make no mistake, if you're not reading the archives, you're not getting everything you can out of this forum. There has been EVERY form of healing, reconciled or not. And some of everyone's story will resonate with you, because we have all at least lived one day, our BDs, the exact same way.

Wonder dealt with a high energy replayer with a very present OW, and did so with grace and strength. Stayed provided tools and the "snap, snap!" with the virtual rubberband so many of us could use when we are tempted to jump down rabbit holes with no bottoms.

I'm very glad to see LisaLives back here too. I did exactly what she hypothetically suggested. I have a friend who became a stander last year after her H had an affair. Both had been good friends of mine who knew my story inside and out, and he also knew my xH and supported me. She was VERY pushy for me to file back in 2012 and get xH out of my life. Even after her own BD, she still felt our situations were very different, and that there was hope in her situation where there was none in mine. I told her I would support her no matter what, but implored her to look at how things turned out for me and consider what would be best in the big picture. Marriage as a concept was not more important that my friend avoiding the same level of life destruction I've gone through.

It took over a year, but she has now decided to pursue divorce. I'm glad. I really like her H, but it is going to get much worse before it gets better, and in the grand scheme, he will further destroy her life. A true friend is an honest one. And that may be a 'bad' friend to her H, but it is what it is, and I got exactly what LisaLives meant. I don't think she was trying to be brutal to anyone. I think she was being honest from her perspective, as we all are.

Objectivity and maturity are things I have gained throughout this situation. Marriage is no longer a storybook institution. My xH was my very best friend. That is a beautiful thing that happened in the past. But it's not a movie, and I couldn't save him. I am not bitter about that, but boy am I different. In some ways good, in other ways I'm getting used to and will have to accept.

Thank you to all who have helped with that.

[OldPilot]

My xH was my very best friend. That is a beautiful thing that happened in the past.
But it's not a movie, and I couldn't save him.

Here is the thing for newbies - there is NO ONE on this forum that can SAVE their spouses.

You have to leave that up to a higher power.

I remember Hearts Blessing telling me this and thinking she was religious.

She wasnt  but used god a lot in her writing - I now understand why.

[LisaLives]

How is MammaBear, gosh she was funny... 

[LisaLives]

HB regularly said she talked to God, for real, doesn't that make her religious?  I was afraid she might be delusional, but as a very non-religious person did not feel it was my place to comment or judge! 

[Thunder]

I think HB was pretty much gone when I got here.  I knew her on another site I joined first.
She always gave good advice.