[mcm64d]

Hi All.....Received an email from Kenda-Ruth- Stupid things MLCers say. There maybe another topic on this but there is so much info here.....

Anyway, I highly suggest this exercise. I am just over three months into this disaster as of Nov 2023 and not only did I find it therapeutic but actually sometimes funny. TBH, I am far from perfect and have said and done things I wished I hadn't, but I am amazed that I allowed myself to get upset over some of this stuff. Anyway, some of the silly or contradictory things my stbxw has said to me in about a two month span (I try not contacting, only responding), Hope its not too long a post and you get something out of it. Maybe share some of yours as well? Anything bold is my stbxw talking.

Morning of bomb drop eve: we missed you last night and I wish you could have come out. By that night after starting one of her fights:Can we agree that we are unhappy? Me- no I am fine. her: I am staying at my sister's tonight. Next day BD

BD: I am not coming home, I want a separation. Me: You're divorcing me. Her: (nastily): No I said separation.

All these are After BD:

I had been thinking about this separation for months. It was something inside my brain that snapped that night and I decided I wanted a separation. "We" decided to separate. I always wanted a divorce but couldn't bring myself to tell you right away.

Marriage shouldn't be or take work. We work well together We should have never gotten married, I should have seen the red flags.

I love you but I am not in love with you. I love you like a friend. I don't love you. We do love each other but I have to find out what's best for me.

Of course I want to remain friends. Why throw 15 years of friendship away? I want to be able to cat sit when you have to travel for work. And I want to meet your girlfriends and check them out to see if any alarms go off. I can't imagine you with another woman.

I didn't say that I can't imagine you with another woman, I said you'll need to change so that the next girlfriend won't have to suffer through what I had to suffer through. It won't take long for you to find someone, you're a great catch. You do not need to change for me.

Me: I am sorry you feel like I was a needy a$$ all of our relationship. Her: you are not needy or an a$$, you're a great person.
Subsequently: you are an absolute psycho. I am sorry you are not a psycho. you are a psycho you are a time bomb. I had to walk on eggshells everyday because of you.

This one I have seen as typical of MLCer: I am going to be 100% selfish and finally look after me and me only

The family plan cell phone bill increased. Me: Ok can you pay it until I get a chance to get off the plan. Her:no problem I just wanted to let you know I was going to call them to see why and try to get it lowered. e (to myself): Why would I care ?

The next week the cell phone company needs her permission for me to leave the plan. Her response to me asking her to call: Why are you leaving our cell phone plan?

After a nasty monstering session face-to-face by her I tell her I love her and miss her. Her response, crying: I love you and miss you too.
Subsequently: I never said that and I meant I missed the cat and dinners.

After 15 years, 11 married and seeing each other several times since BD/ separation, my wife:I don't feel safe seeing you alone without someone in the driveway. Me: I have never hit you, come close to hitting you. her: I know

On why I was trying to talk things through. Me: To get a better understanding on why you are doing this and work toward closure if need be. Her: Closure for what???!??!?? What's closure?

Again from what I read textbook MLC: I cannot remember many good times during our relationship

She cannot understand why I cannot keep the house and give her her half. She also got sad that we would have to sell off the assets neither of us would take. Then on what would have been our 11th wedding anniversary she mad arrangements to come to our house at 11:00 to take pictures of these assets to sell online. 3 weeks later I found out she hadn't done anything with those pictures yet. Me: You came here on our anniversary to start selling assets and haven't done anything yet? Who have you turned into? Her: That is just the day it fell on. I would have thought that was a problem to do on our anniversary, I would have thought you would let me know.

Upon telling me she wanted a divorce: I consulted a lawyer yesterday just a consult. I am not hiring one......I want a divorce.
Me: can we get together to talk about this? Her: No I cannot I am at a yard sale.
Subsequently: Of course I hired a lawyer. How else can you get a divorce?

One week after telling me she wanted a divorce she calls asking if I researched a question she had about selling the house. I apologized and said no. She then accused me of stalling the divorce.

Finally the reasons she discussed (sort of) for wanting the divorce:

You have had raging fights with me
Me: When. What were they? She cited 5 in 15 years, nothing broken, no abuse, etc. I remember 2. There were from 2009. I asked her about the others. She refused to talk about them except I baracaded myself in the living room of the apartment we used to live in (at least 5 years ago). How did I barracade myself I asked. Her:I guess you locked the door

Legitimately, she does tell me about the anxiety and social phobias I have. And to be honest, the last few months of our relationship I really wanted to do nothing much with her as I wasn't sure how nasty she'd be each day. But it is a legitimate concern. Not sure this, or any of this, is a good reason for divorce, but I take full responsibility for all of it. It will make me a better person in the future. Anyway I respond: I am on meds and in therapy. Her (and again textbook MLC from what I have read): Too little too late.

Other things she brought up during the "reasons for divorce discussion":
Remember the time I brought Chinese food home for dinner and you got upset that I didn't communicate it with you?
Me: Why was I upset? Was I making dinner or did I already bring dinner home? Her: I can't remember every detail.

Remember the time at my sister's house when we were in her basement trying to get on your nerves and you got upset with my step mother in law for finding it funny?
Me: (sarcastically): You mean I got upset for people trying to get on my nerves? Yes your step mom did not deserve it.

Remember telling me I was being borderline abusive for telling you to take benadryl to help with the itching from poison ivy? I cried for an hour over that.
Me: I told you that for telling me the night before that [I am paraphrasing as I cannot remember the odd way she said it] I deserved to be beaten as a child.

Remember when you yelled at me for complaining about my job and told me to quit?
me: Yes. You have a problem with your job daily anymore and I asked several times to not have discussions about problems at the dinner table. I also remember telling you many more times before that very kindly to quit your job and take some time to figure things out.

And tied for my favorite reason she told me she wanted a divorce (tied with the Chinese food story): You put us aside to work full time and go to college at night. i often wonder what I could have done had I had that opportunity. Oh, I guess you did support me while I quit work to go to dental hygiene school and dropped out.

[xyzcf]

Thanks for sharing. I think it is quite helpful to us, to see that they change their minds frequently and that the reasons for leaving don't make a great deal of sense.

After 32 years married the only explanation I got was "you are too intense and you talk too much".

Here are some previous threads that others have contributed to with the things they were told...these go back to 2019 but I believe there are others as well.

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11601.0

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10840.0

It is very difficult when our loved one changes their thoughts so quickly and makes up things that they seem to truly believe about us and our relationships.

[mcm64d]

Thanks for the links.

I am sorry you went through that x.

[Biscuit]

Yeah, all that nonsense... you were the worst husband ever, next minute - you'd make someone a great husband...

Just MLC noise. It's like a weird feedback loop, or trying to understand Quantum physics where something at a sub molecular level can exist in 2 places or at 2 states at the same time. Weirdly on a normal scale and out of a lab things are a bit more binary than that - you're either a bell end or you're not.

[xyzcf]

Thank you mcm64d.

What they say to us does hurt. Sometimes, we start to think, well it must be true what they are saying...but even so, is it serious enough to end a marriage over? Without any conversation or debate or willingness to change?

Because we start to doubt ourselves until we read several other stories and ours sounds so much like others....that we know this is not us.

Once, a very ,long time ago when I questioned that maybe he had his reasons for leaving, I was asked the following:

"xyzcf, what food do you absolutely despise?"

"liver and onions" I responded.

"So, would you eat liver and onions everyday for 32 years if your couldn't  stand them?"

I am not saying that we have to change for them, won't do any good anyway. But I still think that if a relationship is in trouble, there is the ability to discuss, perhaps get some therapy and listen to one another about what they see as a problem and try and find a solution that satisfies both partners rather than blowing up the whole world. But MLCers do not engage in reflecting on what is wrong in the marriage because it's not the marriage and it isn't us.

I might have been able to change "being too intense" but there is no way I was ever going to be able to stop "talking too much" 

[mcm64d]

X,

Please keep talking to me as much as you would like and be just as intense as you feel you would like to be. I am grateful to have met you and all the people here.

[xyzcf]

 

[mcm64d]

I forgot a few.....

No one understands why I am doing this and I am starting to get tired of it. Everyone understand how I feel but don't worry I am not telling them details. I told <Friend's name> I wasn't happy and she agreed saying why would you stay if you are not happy.

Me: Am I the only thing that is making you unhappy. Her: What do you mean?

On my suggestion to take the time her apartment lease is to think about next steps instead of immediate divorce, her reply: I don't want to put a time limit on that

So she wanted more time to think about things yet immediately filed for divorce?

AND......the I am so sorry for so many things while crying aand hugging me just to turn everything into my fault.....

[JohnnyBravo]

It's like... trying to understand Quantum physics where something at a sub molecular level can exist in 2 places or at 2 states at the same time. Weirdly on a normal scale and out of a lab things are a bit more binary than that - you're either a bell end or you're not.

Schrödinger's spouse?

[Biscuit]

Schrödinger's spouse? - LOL!