[toomanytearss]

Well 10 years has gone by since bd. Time flies. That’s a chunk of change. I’m not sure how I feel about that.
I remember a long time ago, towards the beginning of all this, someone told me that compared to 29 years of marriage being apart through all this for 5 or 6 years is just a drop in the bucket. It was worded much better than that but that’s the gist of it. Back then it made sense to me. It just doesn’t seem like such a small chunk of change to me now.
I have gone on with my life. I do have a good life. I am happy most of the time. No one is happy all the time. Lol. I actually have a much better life now. Probably wouldn’t have that if all this hadn’t happened. So in many ways I’m beyond ok with that. But I do have some resentment about it all.
Most of that resentment caused by me because I did live my life but never fully shut the door and moved on. Which left me in a state of limbo of my own making.
And I know it’s my own fault but I resent him for it. Not continuously. It just pops up here and there.
It interferes in my moving forward even now. I sit in the fence with x. I feel safe there. Not making any commitments to him keeps me emotionally safe. I don’t have to make a decision either way. How messed up is that. Lol. Living in limbo now is my safe place I guess.
X continues to improve but a a turtles pace. You really have to be very abrupt with him when he’s crossing boundaries. But he eventually gets it. I can’t figure out if he’s really that dense or he does it on purpose to try to throw his weight around. Maybe it’s a bit of both.
He still has a Debbie downer attitude a lot of the time. And that wears on me. So much negativity from him. I think he’s struggling with depression, he’s even said he thinks he’s struggling with depression. He moved to a new place when he was here from work in Alaska. Youngest d and I helped him move. We walked into one room that he keeps the door closed to and holy $h!te. It was unbelievable. Youngest d just looked at him and said, what are you?  A hoarder?  He just hung his head and said he was sorry. Things just got out of control. When he is home from work he is off 2 to 3 weeks at a time. And I guess he just sat at his house and piled everything in that room.
He goes nowhere but the grocery when he’s here unless I go with him. I got him to take riding lessons when he’s here 3 days a week and he will take those. Because the instructor is my friend and she stays on his butt. Plus I think he feels comfortable with her so he will go without me. But that’s it. He won’t ride the motorcycle unless I go. Has no friends. Doesn’t get out there at all.
And I resent that too. But at 5he same time I understand he’s struggling. But then the resentment gets worse because I’m like where was this firetrucker when I was struggling. He didn’t care one bit.
It’s all so confusing.
I’m not sure how to work through all this.
At least this valentines he didn’t send me stupid ass flowers. I’ve told him and told him I do not like Valentine’s Day and to quit with that crap. I understand it’s difficult for him as well. So don’t get me wrong I get that he sometimes doesn’t know what he should or shouldn’t do. But I’ve been clear about the flowers. I will buy my own. I don’t want any from him. If you know my story you know why. This year he sent me a bag of m & m’s. Lol. My favorite. He’s in Alaska so he ordered them off Amazon and had them gift wrapped. LOL!!!  That was an expensive bag of m & m’s. But I did appreciate them.
I think I’m just venting. This time of year just sits a bit heavy on me sometimes.

[KayDee]

It seems like you have made some important observations about yourself in the last post. That you feel resentment and that you feel in limbo are the one's that stick out to me. And that in your signature you say you are 'done' but in your post you say you are on the fence. A therapist would love to get their teeth into these   You have some much wisdom TMT - I doubt any of us could say anything you haven't thought already. You are coming to terms with your X as he is perhaps - he doesn't, and didn't, have the capacity to support you through hard times (would you say that is true?) . I know that, my H, he cannot take responsibility for anything. And that's not new. He, like many other MLCrs missed some sort of developmental stage - he didn't acquire good coping skills. Lack of coping skills and taking responsibility - they are closely aligned IMO. It may sound obvious, but this pretty much explains most of my H's behaviours. It's something I guess I notice with your X. What's to be done with that?

Thank you for continuing to share. Your posts are always so insightful.

[MadLuv]

TMT- I totally get the resentment at times and being irritated to have moved so far along but to resent that you still resent at times.  I feel pretty ok most the times, but it doesn’t ever escape me that this isn’t what I planned and I am such a devoted and loyal person that it is hard to move on in some ways. When you liked where and what your future looked like it is still a mind F if we are honest that we had this even happen.

 Sometimes I’m just mad that I married someone that was  so undeveloped in their maturity that they did things to myself and my kids I wouldn’t do to my worst enemy ( if I had one) 
I think I just always try to lean into the calm times and that to be honest that I am not him or OWife.  I think it’s great that at least your H is around and talking and shows love to you. That is much better than the ghost that most of us have.

[Songanddance]

Most of that resentment caused by me because I did live my life but never fully shut the door and moved on. Which left me in a state of limbo of my own making.
And I know it’s my own fault but I resent him for it. Not continuously. It just pops up here and there.
It interferes in my moving forward even now. I sit in the fence with x. I feel safe there. Not making any commitments to him keeps me emotionally safe. I don’t have to make a decision either way. How messed up is that. Lol. Living in limbo now is my safe place I guess.

I so recognise this..

However now I realise that it was an important thing for me to go through.    I

You mention in an earlier post that you consider yourself to be reconciled with your H and yet you "sit on the fence because it feels safe"      This is what I view as reconnection because there is an element of safety in reconnection.  The communication between the LBS and MLC are better, clearer, more honest and also from differing but healthy viewpoints.   
To me reconciliation is not the "same old same old"  returned a few years later on .

Living in limbo can only last so long before you realise that decisions have to be made.  They don't need to be big ones but ones that allow you to grow.

H and I have been separated 2 years now and our relationship is better, more open and honest than before.  I will tell H my feelings, my frustrations etc and he will do the same. Before MLC, we sort of kept any intense discussion to massive major moments or events and soldiered on (possibly repressing minor feelings)

I like having my own place.  I also know that I could live with H again. I'm choosing not to for the time being. H and I are fully reconnected and I don't consider us reconciled and that's good with me.

[toomanytearss]

I should clarify. I never meant reconciled in the manner of being back together in a romantic way. We are only reconnecting. I meant reconciled in being at friends. Which I do consider him my friend. Reconciled with the end of the marriage. Reconciled to be good parents and grandparents together. And to be good to each other. We have agreed to continue that even if we never “ reconcile” in a romantic committed way. If that makes sense.
He wants to move forward to the reconciliation as is usually defined here as fully being together as a couple. That is his definition of reconciling. Mine is different and I see reconciling as where we are at. Being friends and being good to each other and working toward a better understanding of each other. Being able to enjoy our family together. I see that as huge compared to what we have been through.
If he and I were to ever find our way to a romantic and committed relationship I would not consider that reconciling. I would consider that a new relationship. I do not wish to have the relationship I had with him when we were married. I do not want to go back to that. So we will never reconcile in that manner.
It’s very confusing how I see things. I understand that. Reconciling can have a different meaning for each person. I have said that the worst part of all this was the manner in which he treated me and the kids. That is what hurt the most. That has been reconciled. And we are at a better place for it. All of that I am super happy about and at ease with.
We have all worked hard to get to this point. Putting many hurts aside and accepting that I’ll never have the full story or understanding of all this. Having to let go of as much of that as I can. The kids having to do the same. And x also having to let go and learn to accept his family who are all very different now. I do consider that reconciling although not in a romantic way.
If this is as far as we get I still consider it a very good thing and I’m content with that.
I still have moments of course where all  the past gets under my skin. I would say that’s normal. But I recognize it deal with it vent about it then put it away.
So if I use reconnected or reconciled incorrectly I do apologize. I just see the meaning of those words differently in my situation.

[Songanddance]

So if I use reconnected or reconciled incorrectly I do apologize. I just see the meaning of those words differently in my situation.

Absolutely no apology necessary.  I fully see where you are coming from and my interpretations of the words do not mean that yours are wrong or misused in any way shape or form.

I think I was trying to help you see that there is a way forward from sitting on the fence and "being safe " or in limbo.