[readytofixmyselffirst]

I think anger gets a really bad negative rap.

Absolutely. I used my anger to motivate me to move forward. The other alternative was to roll over and die. I exercised and focused on my work. During the divorce, I was always angry. I was a doormat before and suddenly I was raging bull. I gave up what I had to legally, but I wasn't going to give up the farm.

During the conference with her attorney, I played my best hand of poker ever. In fact, he left the call saying that this was his easiest conference ever and I was easy to work with. Why? Because I already knew what I was going to get and not get. I knew the laws and was ready to negotiate a fair deal.

Nice voice, but inside I was raging. Fighting. Yes, I was fighting for me and my family.

After the divorce, I wallowed for a bit. Dated online, met some interesting people. That was how I got introduced to Shaun T. His exercise program is intense but not hard on the knees. I took my anger and put in into my exercising. I began to transform my life. I passed my second part of my dissertation and began to collect data. Then I met my new love and we started dating.

I still was angry every time I sent the check, but the time passed. I started paying off bills. Got my daughter the daughter through college. Got engaged, bought a new home. Finished my doctoral. Rejoined the forum and got married.

Wow, what a journey and it all began and was fueled at first by anger, then determination and finished with love.

Yes, anger can be a useful emotion when it is focused towards getting you ass off the floor.

Ready

[in it]

Thank you so much for validating that Ready
Anger can be a motivator..that leads to determination.

Shining you are welcome, write it all down, everything you dealt with and read it as a reminder.

[LearningIamOk]

In It and Ready, I wasn't really angry until the divorce started and xH tried to get more than his fair share. Then I was raging too. I kept it civil when we were together and negotiating, but I wouldn't budge and did quite well.

I am in a lovely R with a great guy who never puts me down and has a genuine interest in my interests. What a breath of fresh air.

[lawprofessor]

Well just a bit of an update on my MLCer:

Tonight I received a tweet.  It was Genius's OW. 

Hmmm.  Ok.

She announced her engagement....

To her Other Man!!!

LMAO!

It seems she no longer could see Genius as her hero, her knight in shining armour.  She began seeing this guy as a friend in 2014.  2016 began an affair with him when Genius had spent through the $$$.  And she found out he was a bear to live with and impotent.  She said she had always heard it was me that was sexually disfunctional but now knows differently.  She said he began screaming at her for things like folding his clothes incorrectly and blaming her for his unhappiness and impotence. (Sound familiar to anyone?) This got so bad she began staying at the library late to study and going out with friends.  He became meaner, then more controlling.  He refused to let her go out or go out with her and her 20 something year old friends.  (Imagine that?) She began crying all the time and this guy, also 20 something, began to comfort her, and so began the affair. 

Genius tried to get happy again in his usual fashion, and bought a townhouse.  (Did the same, bought a house when we were splitting up to get happy).  It worked for a short time but she said he still wasn't happy for long. (Again, imagine that?) He began saying my name in his sleep, so she resumed her affair with the age appropriate guy.  She decided she wanted to get married and have kids and time was ticking.  Genius agreed but wouldn't buy a ring or help with plans.  And of course the impotence was a problem as to having children. When she passed her exams, he didn't congratulate her, just noted he had done better on his exams 30 years before and his exams were harder than hers.  He then began screaming at her about the weight he gained, his grey hair, and his assorted aches and pains, saying he'd given up everything for her and it wasn't worth it because she was just a spoiled ugly little brat that did nothing but take advantage of him when he was confused and not thinking right.  He got violent then throwing things and she ran from the house and to her OM's home.  She came back a couple days later and took the cat and her things, cleaning out the house.  And is now deliriously happy with her fiance.

Meanwhile Genius is a depressed wreck, telling everyone how he's abused and was taken advantage of by her.  Only this time he's getting no support because "their" friends are really her friends, a bunch of 20 something year olds. And she's posting all over social media about how great it is to have "a real man", one that can keep up with her and who is not ready for bed at 10:00 pm every night.

Well, that explains why he has been contacting me for the last several years wanting to come home. The magic of these two "old souls" had fizzled out.  "Old souls" is a reference to her one time saying she wasn't too young for him, that age didn't matter since she was sooo very mature because she had an old soul that was an exact duplicate of his.

And that my friends is the true meaning of a visit by the karma bus and poetic justice. 

What he did to me, was done to him, without me expending one bit of effort, or waiting for him to come home, or enabling his trip around the moon yet again, or cushioning his fall or enabling him.

Of course, this changes nothing.  I'm still done with him. 

My BD was 8 years ago this month.  Another amusing and ironic coincidence.  8 years to the month.  For some reason that strikes me as the end if a life cycle of some sort.  I know some of you say 7 year cycles, but for me it seems like 8 is the magic number as I spend the final year of the 8 gearing up for the new cycle.   But absolutely 7 years for him as they split up a year ago this month. 

Ok, I shouldn't laugh.  It might be mean in some people's eyes.  But it seems like poetic justice to me.  And that's good enough for tonight. 

Best to you all,
Lp

[lawprofessor]

Correction: it's 7 years for me.  I think so little about this that I forgot what year my BD occurred! 

So 7 year cycles it is!  2012-2019 April.  6 for him. That donkey always was an over achiever. 

Funny how time changes things.  That's a date I thought at one time I would never forget. 

I'm a big supporter of the valuable use of anger as a resource.  I fought from day 1 using anger to focus on myself and propel myself forward.  I find too many are uncomfortable with the natural human emotion of anger and fail to use it as a resource, more similar to MLC Wallowers in my eyes.  That's why I thank God I was given a high energy MLCer, one who vanished for several years and who had no problem expressing anger.  He just used anger incorrectly whereas I used it to create a new and better life for myself.   We each get the things we need in this.  It's our challenge to use those tools to the best of our abilities. 

Lp

[Treasur]

1. Wow...that must have been a long tweet/text
2. How weird that she would contact you...and share such personal info.....ow obviously continue to be weird even when they stop being the ow
3. Sounds like their perfect happy lasted, what, about 4-5 years...as you say, imagine that. My L said to me that in her experience, xh's speedy marriage was what her trade call repeat business, that she'd give it 5 years max but by then I wouldn't care but she had seen it over and over again with cases like mine.
4. Not mean at all...simply admiring the elegant creativity of the karma bus...hope he likes his townhouse though
5. Only bad point is I imagine he will try to contact you again/more but sure you will deal with that just fine

Lovely update, LP, if spookily textbook
As you say, fine poetic justice that you can enjoy from afar as it makes no difference to your life now at all.

[Ausgatorgirl]

Fabulous, amusing update LP.

Unlike you, I have not been through anger (18 months since BD). I went straight into acceptance. Maybe that’s because I have a vanisher and 6 months after BD I travelled solo for 8 months. I think the time alone allowed me to accept and focus on moving on. Who knows, we are all different. My therapist (only went once) asked if I’d been through anger. I said “no, just disappointment in the man I knew”. Still how I feel.

Thanks again,

Aus

[Songanddance]

Firstly LP - what an amazing and totally unsurprising conclusion (of sorts) to your MLCer and his time with OW.

It is really important that all newbies read this story to understand that the crisis is not about them but about the MLCer and the OW will and does frequently fizzle out.

I am not surprised either that she contacted you. Mine did several times at the start of the crisis especially in a letter telling me how she and H were perfectly matched and how I had held him back yadda yadda. This is the problem with OWs generally - they have few boundaries.  The fact that she is posting all over media about her new fiance is no surprise either - wonder how long that is going to last.......

It is also abundantly clear that your XH is still in deep crisis and even though I totally agree with the 7 year cycle (happens in education and, as I chart my own life, there are 7 yr cycles there too) - maybe your XH will never come out of his crisis and is still riddled with guilt. His problem!

I fought from day 1 using anger to focus on myself and propel myself forward.  I find too many are uncomfortable with the natural human emotion of anger and fail to use it as a resource

This!   
There are several LBSers on here who do exactly what you suggest and fail to use anger as a natural forward healthy propelling emotion.  Many people use anger as a "comfort zone" because it helps keep them stuck. Many hold onto their anger for too long and become bitter (which is just anger a few shades lighter) or they constantly seek reasons why they should stay angry or worse continue to provoke anger in others to perpetuate their own anger - the anger of justification.

Anger has to be expressed of course - venting must happen and angry throughts need to be processed and then let go.

Anger can a force for good because it can motivate people into action but that action must always be of  healthy and positive benefit to self and others and not create/instill /provoke negative action.

[Treasur]

Interesting article on anger here https://lifesupportscounselling.com.au/10-types-anger-whats-anger-style/. Like Aus, in my situation with other life events, I found anger a bit out of reach for a long time and my feelings about anger are complicated. Different strokes etc. I can see how anger can be motivational; it just doesn't work that way for me or I couldn't access it. Pride? Yup. Distaste? Yup. FFS Exasperation? Yup. Or that 'this is just too stupid for me to care about or engage in?' Yup. All of those work pretty well. Ironically, the gift of PTSD was that by the time I felt angry, I no longer cared much about what happened or was happening to my xh.

[Trustandlove]

Interesting update, lp, thank you.

And that is a good article on anger; I'm one who also took a long time to feel any anger, the fact that I didn't puzzled me for a long time as well.   But that also meant that I didn't use it destructively, at least I hope so.  I likely internalised it for longer than necessary, though. 

Learning to articulate anger constructively, which I started to call "speaking my truth", has been and continues to be one of the great lessons of this mess for me; I hope I've been teaching my children that as well.  I have found it invaluable in dealing with many life situations aside from my MLCer as well. 

It's an ongoing process, I find...