Skip to main content

Author Topic: My Story Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 8

M
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 5104
  • Gender: Female
My Story Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 8
#130: January 20, 2022, 07:23:23 AM
I know. I asked for it.  ;) - UrsaMajor. LOL

I really have forgotten how much I have written over the past few years. Writing out my feelings helped me make sense of somethings and other times it was just to get my feelings out. It didn't always give me clarity, but there were moments that it helped me to at least let go of some or to leave the emotions on the pages, so that I could focus on the things that had to happen in my daily life. I didn't always have the luxury of working through my own emotions when I walked through the door. My job of working outside of the house to pay bills and keep things afloat sometimes didn't even allow me to hang up that hat before donning the other hat of "M" or in my case - sometimes it was being both parents.

Last night I told everyone that I was going into my library to try and put that back in some order. I haven't finished repainting the column tops that still have that now poorly chosen "Kraft Mac and Cheese" color on the tops. I have allowed myself a break in that, I realized I have to stop beating myself up for not completing that room yet. That was nearly finished right as the disaster struck and I have been rather preoccupied. My library was one of the rooms that we feared would be part of the damaged area, so I had to feverishly box up the remaining portions to keep an eye on the ceiling beneath D's room and the side wall which butts up against the bathroom wall. After that, so many things went into the room while the reconstruction took place. I just decided last night that I am going to settle the library and the sections that really need addressed, like the shelves being painted again and the columns, I can do a bit at a time. I need something to be finished.

While I was unpacking a box, I came across one of my personal journals from the summer of 2017. I didn't read each page, but I scanned the pages. It was a year after my divorce and my feelings for Xh and the desire to have him back in my life were gone. At one point I even reread struggling with guilt for not wanting to stand any longer - as if I somehow didn't love my Xh enough and it somehow seemed easy to let go. That of course was not the reality. I had one he!! of a time leading up to that. I had stuck by him through some difficult times prior to the divorce he really forced.

I realized last night that the divorce for me was in fact a blessing. It sounds terrible, but I know now my Xh would never have put any efforts into working through this mess. The journal from 2017 was about finding myself and a friendship that had emerged in this mess along the way. A blessing that I looked forward to. Someone who made me think and laugh about some things that I kept quiet about. I bared my nerdiest moments to this person without hesitation.

The journal reminded me though of some other things. Things that really kept me going that I have sort of let fall by the wayside. Those many walks were certainly part the most recent things that have ceased to continue on any regular interval. And the fact that I made time to at least give myself some time to myself every day - just even 15 minutes put my head in the game. I would pull from my box of grace cards that I still have by my bed. They were not some magic potion or like some horoscope I held onto. They simply gave me a word to focus on and try to grab ahold of.

I am not really sure when I let go of that routine. Maybe I thought it was something I no longer needed now that I am so far past the divorce, etc. Or maybe it is just one of those things that in all of the chaos that has gone on in my life that I neglected.

As I read through the journal, I think I need to at least get back to some semblance of that thought process. So this morning, I pulled from the cards before getting out of bed. Patience was my card. I prayed for patience and went down the stairs to start my morning. D was just getting up. She has moved back in full time as of last night. Her BF is back at college and will be home sporadically. She had gone out to start her car and she had slipped on the sidewalk on the way back. She wasn't hurt, but it was enough to throw her off balance both physically and mentally. That is, she was now nervous about the roads being icy too. I assured her if she looked at our country road that it was dry and it was just the sidewalk that needed addressed. I reminded her to certainly be careful and not be completely cocky about it, but I was sure if she stuck to the main roads she would be okay. Furthermore, I recommended she change out of her Vans and put on some actual boots. She looked down at her shoes and sort of turned red. Hmmm- yah that might help.  ::)

I kept reminding myself in all of this nonsense going on to keep the word patience coursing through me. I needed it this morning. The puppy was wound up beyond belief. D needed to get out the door. I needed to move my car so S could take my car to work while I borrowed my parent's SUV so I can pick up a table that D has ordered. I kept thinking about that word patience the whole time.

It might have been just a card, but it is keeping me in the right mindset so far.
  • Logged

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 11459
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 8
#131: January 20, 2022, 07:39:43 AM
I know. I asked for it.  ;) - UrsaMajor. LOL
Ask and ye shall receive...

<...snip...>

It might have been just a card, but it is keeping me in the right mindset so far.
Doesn't matter if it was the card or a text message or anything else.  Main point is that you are in the groove....
  • Logged
Me - 58, xW - 51
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 11
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

M
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 5104
  • Gender: Female
Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 8
#132: January 20, 2022, 01:40:52 PM
UrsaMajor - I am not sure I am in a groove. I am trying my best to just grab on to some things to be grateful for today, TBH.

I chased after D's desk/table for her. I was embracing the drive and just trying to let go of the things rolling around in my head.

It has been one of those weeks for former students seeking me out. The other night, I heard from my usual one who just wanted to show me his latest photos he had taken with the antique camera I had given him. I am genuinely glad that former FIL possession has found a proper home.

Today, I had two messages on FaceBook from a former students of mine from the high school. I have only a handful of students who have ever requested they connect with me on Facebook, etc. They knew my rules from day one and that was I was not accepting any friend requests while they were students in my class, etc. I was pretty strict about it and they respected that and the fact that I told them I didn't put up with any BS showing up on my account. The students who have reached out have been often surprising.

I don't often comment on their posts, but one today struck me in a bit of a troubling way. It is not a surprise. She had those days and it was just a post about how no one probably been happy to see her since she was a fetus. Some would think she was joking, but I know her situation well enough to know that she was probably struggling. I sent a public post that she knows is the truth - I told her that wasn't true at all and I missed seeing her smiling face come through my classroom door. She sent me the sweetest note back via Messenger and said she was having a tough day and that meant a lot to her. And, I do miss her and many of those students. She put on a brave front some days. She has to work full time after school to help pay to keep her family afloat because of an accident her mom had. She never came to class and complained, she just did what needed done. But under that smile, often there was a sadness or a feeling of being overwhelmed at the ripe age of 15 when she took that job. (She is now 19). She had responsibilities and worries that sometimes were hard for her classmates to understand. Her biggest worry was not whether or not her shoes were going to match her prom dress.

As I was getting ready to get some work done, another message popped up. I haven't heard from this student in a very long time. It is a student that has been one of my biggest aggravations and yet one of the brightest stars on the planet. He could light up a room with his energy and infectious enthusiasm while drive you absolutely crazy at the same time. It was like trying to teach Jim Carey or Robin Williams when they were on some improv kick. He is absolutely brilliant and most teachers just figured he was a class clown. But, my coworker and I saw something different and knew his background. He needed someone to sometimes be straight with him. To direct that energy and knowledge. And sometimes he would battle us on things. But, he would come back later and have thought about what we told him and he trusted us. He every class I taught afterwards and every section my coworker had. He once told me that it was because my coworker and I both fed his enthusiasm and thirst for knowledge, and we weren't afraid to challenge him. Add to that we also admitted if we were wrong or made a mistake in class or otherwise. We didn't hold grudges and each day was a fresh start no matter how badly some of them screwed up. And that was true for the most part.

Today, he reached out to me to check in and ask for some advice. He is in his second year at a university and he wants to start a business. He has sometimes just checked in to say hello or to give me updates, so it wasn't like I felt somehow as if I was being used. I didn't mind the request for help. It is a professional question about a business model he is working on. It is a solid idea. I will give him that. I told him I would have to think about who I can connect him with to help guide him. He left me with a comment about how he really appreciated it and I am the most honest, successful person he knows. He told me he has admired how I just keep going even when life kicks the crap out of me and I used to come to class with a smile on my face every day. And, I know he was sincere. I have known him long enough to know when he has tried to schmooze me - it didn't work and he dropped that act quickly.

His comments left me humbled, but it also opened up some real emotions I am struggling with.

I went out and tackled my errands with D and then stopped to address some other things. Among them, tracking down this dryer which suddenly is being delivered tomorrow and no one had let me know exactly when until I pressed for answers. Even then, I did it with a smile on my face. It wasn't the customer service rep's fault she didn't have an answer for me right away.

When I drove home, I felt myself just bubbling over slowly. I had stopped to get a coffee and some pastries at a local dairy to bring home for my parents. I haven't been there in awhile and it brought back memories of one of the last times I had been there. It came out of nowhere, TBH. Something triggered the memory and there the tears were. It was a happy memory but now it is part of that "now what" cloud following me around.

Outside there is a woman who can put on a smile and be happy with the rest of the world. I can hold it together and embrace those moments like watching the mist roll in with a light snowfall with the sunlight streaming through and find the beauty in that moment. I can be grateful throughout the day, but underneath that is still a woman who feels other things that maybe the rest of the world doesn't always get to see. And it is not a continual thing. It is just that I feel way deeper than I let on with most people. People in my every day life usually just see that strong woman who pushes through the crap that goes on. And, I cheer myself on. There are moments I am blissfully happy. Sometimes mad and aggravated. But, today, there has been this feeling of loneliness and heartbreak that I cannot avoid.

Someone mentioned an artist - Edward Hopper, to me the other day.  It is funny as it was the perfect description this morning of how I felt sitting in my kitchen. I felt like I was sitting in the diner of the one painting with the bank of windows behind me. It is a wonderful painting, but there is an odd sense of being alone. It is different than having solitude and quiet.

I will push through these odd feelings and try to figure out what I am supposed to be doing. In the meantime, I am just going to embrace how happy my F was to have a cookie that reminded him of my grandmother's molasses cookies.

  • Logged
« Last Edit: January 20, 2022, 03:13:14 PM by MourningDove »

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 11459
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 8
#133: Today at 12:33:39 AM
The fact that students come back after year(s) to check in and ask you questions, goes to show what kind of impact that you have on them, not only in the classroom but also afterward...

  • Logged
Me - 58, xW - 51
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 11
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.