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Our Community / Yet another love, but not in love.
« Latest by KayDee on March 27, 2024, 03:41:58 PM »
He is so afraid of any confrontation he can't fire someone who's been "helping" with his parents house.

Yes, this is familiar. This, I guess, is what very avoidant people could address to make their lives more fulfilling. In that they can express their needs, without fear, and hopefully get some of those needs met. This is not your fault. You did not make an avoidant man. You probably kept him on a even keel for a long time.

As to you psychiatrist telling you to 'move on' - is this the right person to support you at this time? Someone (not a psychiatrist) said that to me, very early on, and I felt, well, insulted. Yes, I am able to move. And I move at my own pace. Too soon for these words, there's no magic bullet. Yes to not ruminating and wallowing (if possible) but also yes to finding a calm centre focused on one's self for as long as is needed. You are doing so well Anoi - your strength is obvious in your posts.
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Our Community / Yet another love, but not in love.
« Latest by Anoi on March 27, 2024, 03:22:58 PM »
He is so afraid of any confrontation he can't fire someone who's been "helping" with his parents house.
So when it comes to divorce or trying to kick me out again, ofc he can't say it. He can only discuss it with his EA and she puches him to do it, to take action, though she doesn't want to be with him, apparently just trying to be a "good friend"... Well, she brings nothing but pain to both of us and he can't see it and will not see it.
Just an observation... of a catastrophe that is my life.
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Our Community / Sheer indefatigability with learned perspicacity
« Latest by MadLuv on March 27, 2024, 03:00:45 PM »
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My two cents: You pulled the lever of legal action to get him to comply with prior legal agreements and this is his reaction. He is too cowardly to confront the unsettled issues on his own (conflict avoidance) and therefore got a lawyer to be the bully. Perhaps ow/wife found him this particularly aggressive one as poor ex needed someone on his side to stand up to you. I think it shows that your ex is still in victim mode, still running from accountability and still unwilling to fulfill responsibilities. He effed you over in many ways but also signed a divorce agreement that seemingly runs in your favor. Too bad for him. He had the option of legal advice and he was not declared mentally incompetent. As they say, he made his bed and now he has to lie in it

Forthrtrees- I completely agree. OWife may have had a family member divorce in town and asked them about a lawyer. Normally I would say that he wouldn’t share this with her, but honestly I think he is now. I think he is in victim mode with her also. That’s how he manipulates. They still are not living together and she is driving  a Mercedes he bought and he doesn't insure her. He only insures himself on it, so that means she  has to have her own insurance. Paying twice. Smart!

I so will say that I found in Texas contractual divorce agreements can be lessoned with change of salary, but not if bills have increased due to a new marriage and personal purchases as he had the contract with me first. That was some what comforting.

In the end he continues to be someone else and the biggest determining  factor that no change is occurring is the disconnect from His own kids. His OWife’s oldest daughter is due with her baby next week ( the one that did drugs) its a boy and his grandson he left behind is a boy. I wonder if that will affect him in any way.
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Our Community / Sheer indefatigability with learned perspicacity
« Latest by MadLuv on March 27, 2024, 12:34:41 PM »
The claim was to pay the chiefs and after I filed he started to pay and so it did resolve that. I charged him also for legal fees for a letter that would have to be e forced through family law not small claims.  He is handling the special warranty deed and that was a huge concern.

I have no idea if they will attempt to lower the payments, but his lawyer definitely thinks that he was wronged and by texas court and the loss of his job and lower income texas would most likely reduce and I dont want to poke that bear.

I am also thinking of offering him an “out” on the Chiefs tickets would be more than a 20% deduction yearly in what he pays me. I believe that will help keep them out of family court, but more importantly it will resolve my need for any communication with him. I truly just want to move on with my life and I wish he wasn’t still in a victim blame mode, but I am for sure that the lawyer has now given him more validation on why he should hate me.  I dont love my XH nor do I need him either, but more importantly allowing him to find ways to hurt me and then turn it on me and hide behind others is just not what I want to subject myself to .

I recorded the call with the lawyer. I have what he agreed to. It is a one state consent. So, if he doesn’t follow through then I will handle it, but I was able to refinance the house by showing my divorce decree and I bet I can sell it also that way. 

MyXH is not anyone I know anymore. He has no morals or empathy or integrity any longer.  I dont want to be a bitter person that cant forgive or allow those who don't understand the deep pain involved in a discard like this to blame me. It’s inhumane what he did and it took me so long to get to a place where I knew I would be ok. He isn’t taking that from me again.

One thing that finally sunk in for me is that who my XH is with is using him for money and he is using her for validation which only comes from materialism. She doesn’t care about him and he doesn’t really care about her, truly. They are surface level  people that  have no regard for others. I think they are each others karma

And, what is it about this 3 year mark!! Geezzz

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Our Community / Sheer indefatigability with learned perspicacity
« Latest by Treasur on March 27, 2024, 10:55:57 AM »
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I am going to dismiss the case without prejudice which allows me to retile if they don't follow through,…..
Why?
Surely they/he have shown you their version of follow through already?

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….,but shows that I am again trying to work with them.
And why do you need to show them that? Is it not the other way round after that call and your xh’s responses so far?

I would encourage you to do nothing at all for a week.
And then to talk to a lawyer about how to manage any risk if your xh tries to overturn the divorce agreement. And how to get the unfinished business finished.

Please take a moment to breathe and think and seek advice before reacting. Don’t be the one that blinks first.
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Our Community / Links/Blogs/Articles for us all to share 10
« Latest by Nas on March 27, 2024, 09:46:50 AM »
I really admire Sarah Polley also. It's a funny thing to think about "truth" in storytelling. It's impossible to arrive at an exact truth for everyone. Even when we tell our own stories, it's our truth. Universal truth really doesn't exist.
I try to think about interactions that really impact me in a way where I wonder what it would look like if someone presented this back to me broken up into narrative sections shown from the perspective of each person involved. So after a hard conversation or an interaction where I feel hurt or angry or disappointed, I imagine being presented the story where one section is told through my perspective, then the entire story is retold from the other person's (or persons' if there's multiple people involved) perspective(s). This is of course flawed for multiple reasons, the most obvious being that I don't know the other person's truth, but at least for me, it helps me to see over my own walls, as it were. It's been an interesting exercise at times, asking how would seeing/hearing/knowing their story change my story, if it does? Sometimes considering what I don't know about another helps me learn more about myself, if that makes sense...

🎹  https://youtu.be/SsKyxkfj8ak?si=x3ivHc0Q6W5P-MC4
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Our Community / Sheer indefatigability with learned perspicacity
« Latest by MadLuv on March 27, 2024, 06:53:01 AM »
JB, Reinventing, Treasur, Kaydee-
Thank you so much. I needed to hear all those words and assurances. I am just sick that this keeps getting worse and it is very apparent when in May 2023 ( last time we spoke) that when I found out how long his flirting, affairs or indiscretion's had been going on and I told him that we could no longer be friends that this is how he has decided to pay me back as control. Whether that is the dismissal he wanted to fully run or it is just his covert narcissist avoidance approach.

This is small claims and not an enforcement of the decree, but trying to get him to react and resolve with it not costing me much money to file and when I sent the settlement offer behind the scenes of the court  ( trying to enforcement the decree ) the lawyer or him are allowed to contact me. However, the lawyer constantly stated things in the decree were not enforceable and then they were. It was clear he tried to intimidate me. He stated that he had never seen such a one sided divorce and Texas law would not have allowed that he may have been the worst husband ever he doesn’t know that and it doesn’t matter in Texas court.  An ax murderer would not been subjected to such a hatchet job.

Clearly, he did not hire and attorney and he signed the divorce. I don’t think someone how voluntarily signed an agreement should then be the victim and if his lawyer thinks he is ( which clearly he said it was obvious he had no legal representation) who’s fault it it? I said, he could have hired an attorney and he didn’t have to sign it. His lawyer said you’re right. So, in Texas even after 30 years I probably would not have got much and I am in fear this lawyer has told him that they can take me back to court and lower the payments and I think my XH is saying he doesn’t want to do that, but I can’t be sure.

If they take me back to court with his lowered salary I would get a considerable reduction and for leas years for sure. Also, his lawyer’s resolution to put my XH on the NFL account to pay direct and communicate direct does not resolve communication on game tickets and chiefs don't allow more than one person on the account. So, I really just wanted to not have to talk to him going further and hoping that he could advise and follow through with email response when needed.
This is not how I handle my relationships in life and I hate that I am tied this and that is of my doing. I am tempted to again offer that he not be on the account for the Chiefs and I release him from that obligation as I have before and he declined.

To me that would most easily resolve our communications issues going forward.  I told the attorney that  he may not see it by the decree but I was just protecting some of what we built and that I had only had love for my XH for the 30 years we had together and I don't nor never wanted this divorce or for this to happen and it was and is my greatest fear. The lawyer did state that he only knew me for an hour, but he believed me. ( he did turn around his attitude in the end) I will say also at one point in the conversation he said you appear to be an intelligent woman and then said, well, let me take that back. I don’t know that. It just seemed their were some things thrown in that were extremely not necessary and that then got me talking emotionally or bringing emotions on why to then have him say , ok, back to the point. I felt baited by his emotions jabs and then basically meant to feel I needed to defend my reasoning.

 It was just a horrible conversation with a professional until the end, but again it is clear his client let this divorce happen, signed it and then has been avoiding communication. Period. Fact. Yet, I am the problem. Disheartening. I am going to dismiss the case without prejudice which allows me to retile if they don't follow through, but shows that I am again trying to work with them.
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Our Community / Re: Sheer indefatigability with learned perspicacity
« Latest by forthetrees on March 27, 2024, 04:59:23 AM »
I´m sorry you were subjected to the bullying. My two cents: You pulled the lever of legal action to get him to comply with prior legal agreements and this is his reaction. He is too cowardly to confront the unsettled issues on his own (conflict avoidance) and therefore got a lawyer to be the bully. Perhaps ow/wife found him this particularly aggressive one as poor ex needed someone on his side to stand up to you. I think it shows that your ex is still in victim mode, still running from accountability and still unwilling to fulfill responsibilities. He effed you over in many ways but also signed a divorce agreement that seemingly runs in your favor. Too bad for him. He had the option of legal advice and he was not declared mentally incompetent. As they say, he made his bed and now he has to lie in it.

Can you continue forward with the small claims suit without communication with this lawyer? If a court date is set and he doesn´t show up but you do and you win, then what?

I get how these negative interactions replay in your mind and continue to be hurtful. Instead of allowing it to ruminate, how about changing to the perspective that you got under his skin and he is finally taking some action?
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Our Community / Sheer indefatigability with learned perspicacity
« Latest by Reinventing on March 27, 2024, 04:26:24 AM »
MadLuv, I can't remember what country you live in, but an attorney is not allowed to speak directly to a client of another attorney. As in that is illegal. Are you in the US?

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I’m sure your head knows, but his lawyer was just trying to batter and bully you. What he said was BS. And legally irrelevant.

Yes, well put. His goal was to elicit an emotional response from you. A bully through and through.
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Our Community / Sheer indefatigability with learned perspicacity
« Latest by Treasur on March 27, 2024, 02:56:39 AM »
There must be some MLC lawyers out there too…..and birds of a feather etc etc….

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