My last old thread is here:
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8280.0New thread title because, at least in my life, I do think things come in seven year cycles. Seven years post BD seems to have given me a new normal that is much more in line with the old normal as I've felt since all of this started. I rarely think about xH or his family anymore, and I have a hard time remembering "the good times" as much as I do the bad. A lot of the trauma has eased and I feel a sense of control again. I can easily focus on work and hobbies when I'm doing them, and I don't obsess over triggers. I'm still tiptoeing toward a new relationship, but if it manifests, I know I will have less I'm projecting onto my potential partner than I did a year ago when I first tested the waters with him. We are still very good "friends" for now, and I am grateful to have him in my life.
The vital statistics: BD July 2011, BD #2 November 2011. D'ed June 2013, no settlement yet so no final decree. He married OW March 2015. They now live in two different states, which are both different than mine (and I don't just mean psychologically! But that too
). Clinger until September 2012, NC except for the divorce until October 2015. Sporadic contact (3 month cycles) until January 2018 when he has ramped up contact considerably. I am no longer standing.
Anjae had asked on Mitzpah's thread why I've continued with the nearly 90 emails between us since January. Short answer: clear up the remaining one issue we have, get the decree issued. That should all happen by June, I'm hoping. Once final decree is issued, I hope to officially put it all behind me. And by all, miraculously, I do mean everything. I feel I have my closure. Of course most of those emails from him are repetitive and self-serving, but that too has helped me put this all to bed. He is the same as when he left. But I'm not.
I thought about not starting another thread, but something occurred over the weekend that bears noting. My friend performs in a soul band at a local venue once a month or so, and I frequently attend. The crowd are usually more my dad's contemporaries than mine (and the last few times I've taken him as my wing man), and I like to people watch while I take in the music. I never expected to see any of xH's family at one of these events, but lo and behold, I spied one of his aunts on the dance floor. I held a grudge against her for being so complimentary to xH and OW from the very beginning of their public outing as a couple, but I really didn't have any of those feelings revisit me that night. I didn't expect her to recognize me (if she did, she did not approach). I didn't go out of my way to avoid, and I am proud of myself for not being petty.
But since she wasn't the usual aunt who went to dance events, I decided to google the other one later (maybe she passed away?). There were no accounts of her demise, but I did find an obscure recent article about the entire family! My xH's oldest uncle was a semi-famous songwriter in the 60's. There have been documentaries and biographies written about him, and there was never any shortage of family trying to get their 15 minutes of fame with talking head and contributor status. Long story short, this article spilled all the tea about the family's horrible mental health and abuse history (the aunt I had been searching contributed most of it, I think), which went even deeper than what I'd known about. Those skeletons were packed in tightly! It answered a lot more questions than what I'd even been asking all these years, but corroborated enough of what I knew to be true to not give me any reason to doubt this new stuff. Truly, it validated that nothing that was happening had anything to do with me, and was heritage-wise, unavoidable on some level. Sad. But not sad is that the Universe delivers right what you need at the right time, in the strangest way possible! Magical.
So back to me and living life with potential. Lots of yardwork this past weekend. I'm the most physically fit that I've been since this all started, and I marvel at how easy some tasks are that used to be devastating to take care of alone (or even with my dad's help). I'm glad there's no longer an "outcome" I'm waiting for because that makes each thing that unfolds every day its own miracle outcome. Even having ANOTHER stray cat adopt my home as its sanctuary is sort of sweet (though I am the last person that needs more cats). I just know it's reflective of how peaceful things are now. And they will stay that way.
7 Year Cycles, 10 Years Deep
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