[Ropeburn]

Lol UM
  It really wasn't that cold ,,well it was but Arizona is dry heat and it was 105 that day .

Init
  The part of the country where you are is beautiful ,laid back and no xh

Roo
   Thanks for stopping by . I'm glad that we can do things that are not haunted by their memories..

UM
  Please attach this thread to last one ...ty

Previous Thread - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10161 -UM

[UrsaMajor]

OK, sort of like jumping in the cold pool after the sauna.......

[Ropeburn]

Lol exactly

[Ropeburn]

How do you stay ok when interacting with in laws. My MIL wants to stay friendly with me.
   She says I been in her life for 31yrs I will always be her daughter. But when I see her all I see is Mr DA . Do any of you stay in contact ?

[KeepItTogether]

My MIL is basically my co-parent now. Ha!  So yes, we are in daily contact. H doesn't speak to her at all. Nor to any of his fam.

Yes, it is hard. Especially since there are photos of H and I all over her house which I am at every day to pick up S after school. And we did NOT get along for a long time. Until we had to. Until I swallowed my pride.  I know I was to blame for our (MIL/my) tense R so I took that responsibility. What really helps me though is thinking about life from her perspective. How upset would any of us be if our children did this to another human being that we cared so much about? It is pretty traumatic for them as well.

But really Rope, you have to put yourself at number 1. If you are not ready, you are not ready. And maybe you will never be. And that is OK too. We all have to do what is right for us.  Hugs friend.

[UrsaMajor]

I bailed on MIL/BIL/SIL at the beginning as well but have reestablished contact over the last 18 months. We get along as well as we can, considering that they are all 5 hours away from me....

[in it]

Nope I have no desire to be in contact with the exmil. She is a huge enabler of the ex and chances are even if I told her about the way he treated me. She would not believe me.
So there is no reason to be in contact with her.
Depends on how she treats you Rope. Maybe its too soon? If you explained that to her she might understand?

[sachat3]

Personally everyone’s different and maybe it depends on your MLCer. Mine is almost definitely a clinging boomerang and the beauty of that is I come trumps with OW. So I don’t feel like H or MIL are siding with anyone other than me so for me it works ok.

[Ropeburn]

Thank you all for your advice ,she is wanting me to come over for Christmas.  I don't think I'm ready for that yet so I'm going to tell her plainly it's to soon.

[Ropeburn]

I'm in a far better pace than this time last year, but still hurts. Does that mean I'm still attached?
  I never want to be bitter ,indifferent or just hateful , but I would love for it to stop hurting .

   I feel I'm detatched . I can go hours without thinking about him  . I would like to hear from some who have been through this part ,how long do you grieve for your marraige?  How long does it hurt?

  I'm doing good I know I'm doing better because I'm not curled into a little ball on the floor.

[Treasur]

Sometimes we just have to recognise how far we've come, Rope, as opposed to how much longer we have to go. You can see that, I think, and that's good.

Tbh, we all cycle. I'm not at all in the same awful place that i was but I dip now and then. I feel sadness more than deep gut-wrenching sorrow, that's true, and it hurts rather than stops my breath, it feels shocking still but doesn't leave me gasping like a bewildered beached whale.

Grief and adjustment just takes as long as it takes. I honestly think the best person to gauge your progress is you, and you will know too if you get stuck for too long in a dip and need to do something to jolt yourself out if it. And, at a simple level, it hurts bc you lost things and people you loved and valued. It hurts bc it mattered. I think we just find a way to live round the sore spots with time, sometimes one day after another, so please keep faith that you will do so too.

[Tyks]

Treasur is spot on.

I was just saying to my daughter last night about how different this year is.  It is the third Christmas and I am way farther than I was even just last year. Last year I moved house on Dec 21 and spent Christmas day alone in my new home. I was in a funk for days. This year I have many plans with many people.

You are doing really well, rope. I don't think we ever fully heal. I think there will always be a part of us that thinks about how much we've been hurt but eventually we can think about it for a fleeting minute rather than a days on end cycle.

Feel what you are feeling and move on. It is the only way through it.

[Ropeburn]

Treasur
   Thank you so much . I was feeling like I was the only person here not being where I should be. To hear others say it helps .

Tyks
   Yes she is . I guess I just needed validation that it was ok to feel the pain.
   I'm in a different world than last Christmas. I am standing on my own 2 feet ,I'm making  a new life,one I'm comfortable with.  Like I said ,I think I just needed to know it's ok ty feel the ain't and hurt I still feel . Treasur was right it's not as raw ,nt as crippling.

[Ropeburn]

My son came down last night e told me he had to ask his dad about  marraige . I asked if he was happy my son said he didn't want to talk about it?? He then continued to say his dad said he had texted them both about it but they didn't text back so he figured they was mad at him?? WTF

 My kids aren't gullible and 10 they are 26 and 30 yr old adults,they both said mom we know he didn't text us we aren't crazy what is wrong with him..
  I will never trunk my kids no matter how old against their dad,but I did give them a few sites and pages to read . My son is so badly hurt from this and daughter blamed me in a way but now they Hinkley something snapped  in their dad.
 
 So that's where my family is at this point. Lost in all this but thank goodness we have each other again 

[Believer]

Hi Ropeburn,

I think you’re doing fine. I can honestly share that after 9 years at this, I still have tough moments.
I stopped worrying about whether I had them and instead focused  how quickly I got myself out of it.  That I felt was a better indicator of how I was doing.

As for contact with MIL, I struggled at the start wih MIL given she was a enabler for him  in ways. However eventually I felt sadness for MIL as she had “ lost” her son to the crazy antics of MLC. In fact just today she shared that her son had drastically changed and not for the better.  I decided she shouldn’t lose me as well as her son. I go over to help her around the house at least  1-2x’s a week as well as take her doctor appts. It’s working well, she’s very appreciative as am I.

Just my little bit of wisdom to share.
Believer
It took time however it also took efffort to rebuild a relationship with

[Ropeburn]

Well I got through Christmas  :)it was a sad sight around here til about 600pm . My son and his gf showed up and we had a great visit ,they stayed for 6 hrs was lovely.
   My daughter and grandson never made it  that was depressing but I'm ok now.
 
 I haven't been on in  while because I went through a bad spell . It was not as bad or as long as before. I can't wait til the triggers come and go just like a bump in the road.

   I swear as I'm sitting here putting down my thoughts ,suprise,suprise who goes up the driveway to his mom's house? Lmao really thinking fate has it in for me. I have been sneaking looks out the window ,like a spy, lol.
  I am thinking how dare he firetruck ing come around,just like all is well? But to him in his world all is well,he is newlywed,living in a make belief world. It's me he shat on ,lied to,keep my hopes up .
 
  I am struggling today as you can tell . But I'm sitting up on my couch typing here ,not lying in a puddle on the floor,crying my heart out. It's still hard for me to wrap my head around and probably always will be. I did the picking apart my marraige thing we do,was it my fault? What did I do wrong? Could I have shown more love?appreciated him more? No i know it's not my fault and I could not have done anything differently or better.
  It was bound to happen, it happened to his sister  .. she walked out of a marraige and away from 3 children,cheated and lied . His brother left his wife ,who is riddled with cancer and struggling bad. So maybe it was a family thing?

 I swear if you could see me creeping around trying to sneak a peak at him and not be seen through the window...lol. I want him to look awful,be miserable,not have a friend in the world. I know I'm not spose to be like that but hey I have been through hell and back and back repeat ...so why not wish him some misery? I'm human

  Thank you all for being here for letting me vent ,I need to be able to do that somewhere ,,,thank you for reading my pity party

[Treasur]

All I can do is send you a hug x
Read busybees thread. It was never you, my friend. Your h broke but it was never about you. Or your kids. Still hurts, I know, still shocking...but it was never about you. X

[Ropeburn]

Treasur
   Thank you a hug is good,I know it wasn't me ,sometimes it's jus so darn hard

[Milly]

Rope, I'm sorry you're in a down cycle but as you say, you were not a puddle on the floor this time. I've been in my own funk this Christmas and reading about you acknowledging that you are none the less in a better place than before, was helpful to me, too.

Of course you'll be feeling the sting of him being newlywed. How could you not be? He doesn't tell his kids? Can't be very excited then. Your MIL saying he's changed for the worse? So it's not just you thinking there's something wrong with him. He can't be happy is all I can think. He's still running and looking for distractions.

I'm going to focus on us not being puddles on the floor any more. It's slow. but we're getting better.

[Shelly7435]

[quote author=Ropeburn link=topic=10538.msg703874#msg703874 date=   I swear if you could see me creeping around trying to sneak a peak at him and not be seen through the window...lol. I want him to look awful,be miserable,not have a friend in the world. I know I'm not spose to be like that but hey I have been through hell and back and back repeat ...so why not wish him some misery? I'm human
[/quote]

I know I have felt this way. My mother had a saying that has stuck in my head. She would say you don’t have to do anything. God usually gets those suckers.   
Hang in there!!!

[Reinventing]

I think you’re doing fine. I can honestly share that after 9 years at this, I still have tough moments.
I stopped worrying about whether I had them and instead focused  how quickly I got myself out of it.  That I felt was a better indicator of how I was doing.

I think that Believer has a great perspective.

[Ropeburn]

Treasur,Believer,Shelly,Reinventing

  Thank you all for stopping by and for your advice.

   The holiday blue hoos got to me ugh.

Picked myself up this morning and a better attitude.  Thanks again everyone

[KeepItTogether]

Holidays do that Rope! I would think it would be strange if your weren’t sad. And of H is “happy” right now, my guess it is just a mask. He’s newly married and is probably trying to figure out why his depression didn’t suddenly end.

Doing great Rope. Happy New Year!

[Ropeburn]

Kit
  Thank you hon,yes all newly wed bliss until it's not.

[Ropeburn]

Time to jot a few things down

  Happy new year to everyone,may it bring us some enjoyment and happiness.

  Nothing new from xh,their still in honeymoon stage, . That sounds so firetruck ing strange . How can my soul mate be remarried?

  In some ways I feel like I'm coming out of the fog myself. It's as if this is happened in a movie it can't really be happening to us. We were forever ,always .
  I guess that's what keep me in such a state of mind for so long. It's not easy to accept the things he has done and said, all the lies about everything . I know you all know what I mean by everything little ,big,didn't matter to him. It has taken a long time for me to get to this point in his MLC because it really affects us more than them.

  I am looking foward to this new year so much . Gone is the victim ,I refuse to be the victim any longer . I didn't loose the man I loved he was gone before BD ,I just didn't see it . Those LBS blinders really work lol.

  I'm not making resolutions but instead I'm making life changes. I'm getting my house looking good ,to me ,that's what counts. I have always,always wanted a canopy bed,I guess it's the princess deep down in all of us , lol. But I'm finally getting one . I'm like a 53 yr old teenage girl lol. I purged my kitchen I threw away a lot of things that reminded me of him, and it felt good. Now I have only one place to exorcize him from ,but that can wait because I don't have to see it everyday,all the stored items like his old report cards ,old anniversaries cards ,you know what I mean.

  My g/f asked me just today , RB don't you ever get curious as to where they live? I said nope and it's the honest truth . I have no desire to know anything about them,or him. He tore all the caring for him out of me. Oh I know i will have moments, triggers, but I'm finally going through it . I tried over and around because I just did not want to accept it ,but now that I have it does not hurt as deep. The dreaded TIME word really works.

 To anyone in the first couple years of this ,breathe,take stock of what you have ,not what you lost ,because I bet if your honest with yourself you will see that they were lost before this. Hold onto the good memories because it really won't hurt forever.

[Milly]

Rope, I love that you're getting your princess bed! This is wonderful.

[Thunder]

I think once you accept in your head, that is NOT my spouse, it gets easier to separate the two.

The OP's don't have our soul mates, they have a shell of a person who doesn't even exist.  Like a phantom person.

You know your spouse would never do or say the things these alien beings do to hurt you, they loved you.  Don't ever doubt that.

[Ropeburn]

Milly
     Will be a few more months but yes I can't wait.

Thunder
  Exactly my soul mate disappeared about 5 yrs ago .

  Yes the acceptance is eye opening. Once it happens you feel like the world has lifted.from your shoulders

 Thank you  Thunder for you words ,I know she didn't get the man I loved ,love, he is gone . But I know how wonderful he was ,she never will.

[Thunder]

Exactly Rope, she will never have the man you had.  Never.
None of them will.

I pity the whole lot of them. 

[megogirl]

You know your spouse would never do or say the things these alien beings do to hurt you, they loved you.  Don't ever doubt that.

I believe that you meant to put this in the present tense, because the real person is still there.  They "LOVE" you.

[Ropeburn]

Megogirl

   They don't feel that love,would never admit it . Right now we are the spawn of evil,everything is our fault. And the op is putting doubts in their heads everyday.

   Trust me I never ever thought this could happen , either did anyone who knew us. I was very arrogant at first on here, my spouse would never cheat never leave me never lie ,,yeah I was so wrong about it all

[Thunder]

Yes Mego I think that love is still there, it's just buried deep inside to hopefully get free one day.

[sachat3]

Rope - I think we all get like that. Whilst I don’t believe OW was even on the radar before BD. Due to OW friend telling me that H phoned work and explained he needed time to himself Ow answered the phone and became his shoulder to cry on 😳 but even my friends were shocked at him leaving. That wasn’t him. He was such a family man before this. They are also shocked at Ow as she is polar opposite to everything he wants/likes etc.

I also believe there is two separate spouses. That’s what it’s like. I imagine that my H has an identical twin. They look the same but personalities completely different.

[Treasur]

Megogirl

   They don't feel that love,would never admit it . Right now we are the spawn of evil,everything is our fault. And the op is putting doubts in their heads everyday.

   Trust me I never ever thought this could happen , either did anyone who knew us. I was very arrogant at first on here, my spouse would never cheat never leave me never lie ,,yeah I was so wrong about it all

I don't think in crisis they DO love us. Or even like us.
Is it buried deep? Idk...if so, and it gets triggered by an old memory maybe, I suspect they need to stomp it down hard or everything they are doing stops making sense. Might even make them swing the opposite way and be much nastier. And of course ow/om believes their own story too. Often why the triangle of victim/rescuer needs the LBS to be an persecutor object of evil in their heads I guess. And it is a racing certainty that MLC spouses lie like breathing and not just to us.

Most of us - even years on - still find it shocking that our spouses did what they did and became so different from who they were for years. With a calmer eye, I suppose as difficult as it is to make sense of that for us, it must be even more difficult for the MLCer to explain it to themselves if they ever reach a point when they choose to look at it

It might be a silly mental 'trick' - but hey ho if it works, that's good enough lol - as Sachat says to see them as two people. Or see the first as essentially dead and replaced by an unrecognisable not very pleasant twin. And people in RL woudn't get it at all. But it probably feels close enough to a working truth for most LBS.

Some of us may see some signs of resurrection of v1 over time...lots and lots of time lol...but some of us may never do so. Tbh, much as I dislike v2 of my xh, when I think about who my h was, it is just all rather sad that he has now become the kind of man he would have disliked so much, that he destroyed so much of himself that he used to feel proud about. Whatever happens in his future, that is part of his own life story to reconcile now. Not just the mess he made, as he called it, but that he was the person who made it whereas for most LBS we don't carry that shame. No magic handsprings by an ow or fancy weddings or dumsel adoration can keep that truth silenced 24/7 forever...even if we don't see the strain of it.

[Whyus]

Im glad that your Feeling better Rope, I had a bad day yesterday. I guess its all about how you pull yourself back up again after a fall.

The OP's don't have our soul mates, they have a shell of a person who doesn't even exist.  Like a phantom person.
Exactly this Thunder! EXACTLY. OM/OW are welcome to entertain the Shell, they will never have the love of the Person we knew.

heres a song for you ladies:-
shinedown - cut the cord
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9itwt_opsvQ

[Ropeburn]

Sachat
    Thank you for stopping by. That is exactly how I think of the h vs xh . Xh is an alien and ow is welcome to him ,my h got ate by Mr Alien .

  Treasure,
   Your right they don't,can't love us. Not until they heal.
That's exactly how I think of xh ,evil alien he's not my h
 
 Whyus,
   Thank you for stopping by, yes I'm doing so much better. I have forgiven myself. I know it's not my fault none of it . I have forgiven myself for moving on ,doing what's right for me.
Oh I love Shinedown

[megogirl]

Yes Mego I think that love is still there, it's just buried deep inside to hopefully get free one day.

Actually, I know it's there - just lost in the abyss of MLC.

Because during one of H's many "pockets of clarity," he told me so.  And of course, I was utterly confused because (I think) the same week, I was served.  So I said something like "Do you *always* divorce those that you love.....or just me?" 

Obviously, this was all well before I finished reading HS.  I know (now) that I was talking to nobody.

[Whyus]

Please excuse the short hijack 

megogirl, you are Aware that they just tell us what we want to hear to Keep us stuck. You are also well Aware that they lie all the firetrucking time so why should this not be a lie? Maybe you have been spending too much time with cld?

Just before we sold our house XW told S20 "I dont know how my future will pan out once I have my own appartment. Maybe my future is with your dad, I just dont know yet. Anything can happen".
2 days later she told a friend of mine "Whyus still has hope that we will be together one day but ist not going to happen. In done and ive moved on, partly because I have a new Partner". I obviously told my mate exactly how "new" her Partner was 

So, which of the above was a lie and which was the truth?

[Ropeburn]

Whyus
   No problem feel free to discuss things here .

[megogirl]

megogirl, you are Aware that they just tell us what we want to hear to Keep us stuck.

Ohhhh I am well aware!  Because I've had convos with that master manipulator too (Monster?).

But the conversations with "Prisoner" were different.  Because it wasn't what he was saying - it was his tone.  He really sounded like he's just busted out of jail or something, and was running from the police to call me, ever so frantically.

It was only then that I put two-and-two together and recalled RCR's article titled, "Prisoner."  Because when I'd initially read it, I was beyond confused - like I was trying to decipher Arabic or something.

So, yeah - everything RCR wrote came to life for me.  And it was real - no games, no mindfiretruckery, just real.

 

[Treasur]

I honestly think in crisis - as well as lying for control and from shame - they do a sort of 'truth in the moment' bc it is all about feelings = facts. And their feelings change at the drop of a hat, a prod from ow or a random thought. So, truth or lie only gets you so far anyway. Truth now or truth tomorrow can only be seen by a consistent pattern of actions I guess.

Which sucks rather with a vanisher who ran off to marry ow lol

[megogirl]

YESSSS......

I'm not sure the MLC'er is ever even consciously "lying".  Because one personality might mean/believe everything they're saying, while the other personality might not agree/think the exact opposite.

I can not commiserate about this with anyone else - just the people on HS.

[Ropeburn]

  These wonderful people on here saved my sanity. I was making myself crazy ,does he or doesn't he have MLC, did I make him leave me? Now it's wtf  do you mean he's remarried? I mean really your head spins and turns to mush. No wonder we  have ptsd ,depression,.
 

[sachat3]

I honestly believe if your even questioning it being a MLC it usually is. I spend my whole life wondering if H is having one but I don’t know how else to describe it. So it’s the duck theory.

[Treasur]

I think you know you are making real progress when you pick an explanation that feels close enough to reality for you and then stop chewing on it. (I am ms Pot on this though, took me ages!)

I think deciding on MLC does two things: it allows you to trust that your past reality was real and you are not insane, and it helps you accept that it isn't about you and time will tell if anything changes so you can stop watching.

Tbh, with a vanisher or when they have made big irreversible choices like getting married, there is also a point when YOUR reality is no different from here on whether it was MLC, an alien virus or an allergy to cheese. Probably only matters in the future if your xh ever reaches back to try to explain, show remorse or try to reconnect in some way.

The quacks like a duck principle works well for me most of the time 

[Ropeburn]

  The quack like a duck has my xh name all over it lol. I'm surprised he isn't covered in feathers by now. I think from now on I will refer to him as quacker 😂😂

[UrsaMajor]

It's the Bug in the Edgar Suit!

[Ropeburn]

UM
  Lol thank you for making me laugh . Still doing good been reading posts and shaking head.

[Ropeburn]

  Got to admit a few things
 1 I thought xh would come back
 2 I never really believed he would cheat
 3 Now I have to face the fact that this affair started in late 2015
 4 Not sure how to deal with all the thoughts causing headaches
 5 Donthe think i can ever forgive him for his betrayal

   I have been talking to someone who has helped me a lot.  I can't do anything about what he has done,but I can forgive myself for the blind trust I had in him.
   If  he would have told me the sky was falling I would have believed him. I mean don't you want to believe and trust the one you love?
  I told her that I didn't think I would ever forgive him for what he has done . She said RB it's a long hard road and you have to walk on it, you can't drive over it or go around you have to walk  it to get through this.
   She is a much older person and only sees a few clients now ,I knew I made the right decision when on our first talk she said ...oh he had a MLC it hurts you need to grieve for your marraige ,then get up and start living again.
   I thought I had forgave myself let things go but I realized I have a few more hills to climb. At least I'm climbing and not rolling down hill 
I'm doing wonderful compared to even just a few months ago. I'm very thankful for this person talking to me not talking at me.  She seems to get me nd understands some people take longer than others to heal. Big plus she does not think I'm crazy 
 
  Thank you all my friends this is why I have been absent here for a bit . I have been reading but not posting.

[Treasur]

Rope...I think I would have had a very similar list.
I'm so glad you have someone to talk with in RL who 'gets' it.
And she is quite right. What has happened has actually happened. Where you are is where you are. And the only thing to do is move through it and forward. Let yourself grieve and let him go. Having very little contact with him, or none if possible, will help you do that, trust me. It allows your brain to behave as if they died, I think, and protects you from their mood swings or seeing things that hurt you.

If it helps, please remember that the worst IS behind you now. Where you are might not feel great or where you want to be, but you have survived the worst. And it will get easier and calmer and better, step by step.

[Ropeburn]

Treasur
   Thank you for stopping by . The little grimlins was about to get me lol. I'm bouncing back way faster than I did

[Ropeburn]

   Hi everyone
  Was not posting because ex is remarried so it's over and I been trying to get on with living .
  My BD was Sept 2015 so its going to be 4 yrs soon . I was reading threads and all say the 4 ,4.5 year mark is a turning point.  What no one talks about is if they are remarried ?
  Does this light still go off? Would really be interested if anyone remarried has came through and at least talked to old friends ,family members?

  I screwed up. I got myself into a relationship I wasn't ready for and I hurt the guy ,something I swore I wouldn't do . I was lonely and vulnerable not an excuse I know but at least I had the decency to tell him how I was feeling instead of just using him. He still wants to be friends and believe me I was very honest with him about how the ex had hurt and damaged me . That it was going to take a lot to trust again.
  I can't believe it's been 4yrs ,and I can't believe it's only been 4 yrs at the same time
  Son told me his dad came to see him and brought her with him ...son said mom it was very weird she is not like any of us she is snotty and very proper. Mom you know what I think your right dad went through some sort of breakdown  ...
   
 On a better note my health is improved greatly ,I no longer get sugar readings so high it does not register . My A1C  is down from 12 to a healthy 7.8 I am down to 1shot and 1 pill a day ( was 3 or 4 shots and 4 pills) And my mental health is better .

 I loved my ex,I love my ex and I always will  ;)but now I know I'm ok I will survive , I really really can't thank the ones here who helped me through this and I say a thank you everyday,because without you I would still be  lost

       All for now sorry I rambled some but needed to say a few things

[UrsaMajor]

Hi Rope,

Glad to see your post!

The old saw about MLC trumping divorce?  Who knows about having it trump remarriage.... Only (yes, I am going to say the bad four letter word) time will tell.....

Interesting about the observation from your son.... Snotty and proper, eh?  Sounds a bit ... I don't know... controlling? to me...

I am REALLY glad that your health is better and that the (I'm guessing you are Type 1 diabetic?) blood sugar issues are stabilising..> the constant influx of adrenaline and cortisol (the aftershock product) will play havoc with the system over time....

Your BD was Sept 2015. and my BD1 was August that same year.... The 4 year awakening is something I don't know if we can put a lot of stock in... Maybe some anecdotal evidence but, to be honest, if he's remarried, even if he HAS a light bulb moment, will he do or be ABLE/ allowed to do anything about it?

The dating thing... I posted on Acorn's thread that dating is a trial-and-error process that tends to the side of error.... It is like swimming in a nuclear waste holding tank... LOTS of toxic sludge but a few diamonds formed by the heat and pressure..... The odds of finding one when you first jump in are pretty slim..... It is in these times that we gain experience to understand our own lives and selves more than we did... You have learned a few things (I am willing to bet) about yourself in this time so the question becomes "How do you use it to heal?" Relationships, regardless of what kind, if they are deep or intimate, require vulnerability and that means risk of being hurt.  I mean, it is not like you went into it looking at it as a booty call and it does seem that the guy is understanding so forgive yourself, learn from the experience and grow on.....

{{{{HUG}}}}
UM

[Ropeburn]

UM
  Ty and i am type 2 d is type 1
 Ughh dating ..not for the faint hearted..and yes he is very understanding and still want to my friendship, so I count that as a win

[sachat3]

My general stance on things is what’s meant to be will be. If he’s meant to return, he will. I genuinely believe that 100%. As awkward as it can be for him to end a marriage and move forward it’s not impossible.

[em5731]

I am on the same time line as you. Also married the same year. My ex seems to be more depressed now. He sees my daughter once a week for about 30 minutes. Shocking how they just forget about the life they once had.

[Ropeburn]

Sachet3
  That's my belief too . I'm not sitting waiting on him that's for sure,I wasted enough time,tears on him.

 Reb2817
  Sorry to hear that.
My ex does not have anything to do with his kids,friends,family he has really  (so he thinks) started a new life .

[KeepItTogether]

Thanks for the update Rope. You sound good.

My ex does not have anything to do with his kids,friends,family he has really  (so he thinks) started a new life .

My H too--doesn't speak to his mother, father, brothers sisters...has all new "friends". Although he tells me he has NO friends. They are OWs fake work friends that they do everything with now. And little to nonexistent R with our S. It is really sad what they do.

But wow--you sound so much better than even a year ago. We do get better. Eventually.  I still struggle a little--my 3 year BD is in May. I agree, it is hard to believe that it has been 3 years, and yet, it also seems to have flown by. Strange indeed. Hugs friend--happy to hear about keeping your diabetes in check. That is a scary disease so I am very relieved to hear your levels are good.   

[Ropeburn]

Kit
  Thanks for stopping by ,and you too sound much better . Time lol if one more person had said to me take time,give him time,time is your friend I think I would have imploded. Suprise they were all right lol.

  I quit coming because I felt my story was over because he is remarried,but it's not  this still appended   to me and I still need advice and maybe I can help someone.

 One thing I have quit denying I love him and probably always will 

[Tyks]

Hi rope.
I think you should still come here because your story is not over until you say it is or you no longer need support.

I too was in a relationship for about a year and the first six months were great and then I started to see the red flags and I realized that he didn't respect me as a woman or as a mother. I finally ended it as I realized that bd had to teach me some things and this relationship taught me some things. We have been through too much to settle for less than!!

Keep doing what you are doing because you are sounding stronger every day !

[Ropeburn]

Tykes
  Thank you and your right I am stronger . Every day a little bit more so . And the most important thing is I'm doing it for me.

[Ropeburn]

  So I have a question or a statement..
When I went on first date I felt like I was cheating on the ex.,I know some of you are rolling your eyes ,shaking your head , but after 31 or 1 year of being loyal ,true and faithful do you get over this?
   Don't take this as my still pining for the ex because I'm not. I'm really rather happy alone. I have never lived alone and it's so freeing . My kids are grown now so I don't have children to care for ,just me and my dog.
 
  I asked myself time and time again was it MLC? It really doesn't matter he is still gone ,living in newly we'd bliss 😲. I know it's not rainbow s and skittles farts, but I would like to be a fly on the wall sometimes  . He has asked his brother to take over mowing his mom's yard ( i used to)it think it's because he doesn't want to face me. He feels to guilty . Or he will.

  I'm just rambling about anything right now lol.
  Oh his last little fit ...I text him to ask him if he wanted to go back to court. He said huh (lol) i said house payment is 2 months behind? ( he agreed to pay off house I had a good lawyer lol) . He then text and said may I call you? Ughhh . I said yes . So he tries to tell me everything he is spending money on, his truck,his lawn mower.... I stopped him right there and said EX I really don't give a firetruck you did this to yourself ,besides with the way you lie I don't belive a word out of your mouth so whatever you do or not do you best catch it up or my lawyer will have your ummmmmm  in a vice again lol. Omg it felt good that's the first time I blew up on him and it was a long time coming . Needless to say bills are being paid (I wonder how new wifey feels about that ?)

  So I do still have some spunk left in me ..I'm almost back to my old self . I still have moments but honestly they are so few now it's good to heal.
 
I don't know what happens to their minds ,but I do know I'm glad I don't have to face all the people he will have to some day.

  Yes it sucked it hurt but we have survived ,and are stronger for it. We didn't hurt anyone or turn our backs on people we have known and loved forever ..so yeah I think we just might be the lucky ones.

[UrsaMajor]

  So I have a question or a statement..
When I went on first date I felt like I was cheating on the ex.,I know some of you are rolling your eyes ,shaking your head , but after 31 or 1 year of being loyal ,true and faithful do you get over this?

It takes..... yeah, I am going to say that 4-letter word again... Time just like everything else in our lives... Unless one is in an MLC themselves, one doesn't just toss <xy> number of years away without some residual emotional fallout

 
  I asked myself time and time again was it MLC? It really doesn't matter he is still gone ,living in newly we'd bliss 😲. I know it's not rainbow s and skittles farts, but I would like to be a fly on the wall sometimes  . He has asked his brother to take over mowing his mom's yard ( i used to)it think it's because he doesn't want to face me. He feels to guilty . Or he will.

Ah yes, the Good Old "Was it MLC or was it Me?" questions... right on schedule... The answer, however, is 100% correct - it no longer matters.... and yes, hhe would feel TONS of crushing guilt because he will not want to face you after his $#!tshow...

  Oh his last little fit ...I text him to ask him if he wanted to go back to court. He said huh (lol) i said house payment is 2 months behind? ( he agreed to pay off house I had a good lawyer lol) . He then text and said may I call you? Ughhh . I said yes . So he tries to tell me everything he is spending money on, his truck,his lawn mower.... I stopped him right there and said EX I really don't give a firetruck you did this to yourself ,besides with the way you lie I don't belive a word out of your mouth so whatever you do or not do you best catch it up or my lawyer will have your ummmmmm  in a vice again lol. Omg it felt good that's the first time I blew up on him and it was a long time coming . Needless to say bills are being paid (I wonder how new wifey feels about that ?)

  So I do still have some spunk left in me ..I'm almost back to my old self . I still have moments but honestly they are so few now it's good to heal.

Perfect!  Gee, those HORRIBLE consequences.... Holding him accountable for his actions.... Mean old Mr. Reality is SUCH a buzzkill...

[UrsaMajor]

Moved back to active threads by request

[Ropeburn]

Hi
  Not sure who will remember me but I feel like I need to talk to you all again .
    I thought I was doing ,no I know ,I was doing so much better.  But I'm spinning again ,so I thought I would come talk to you guys again . Cheaper than therapy and you all have been there done that.
   Divorce final 1 yr after my dad passed away, Ex was remarried 90 days after divorce final . I feel like I'm still in denial ,I honestly thought he would come back ,and friends and family also said this because of the way we were together . Always so loving and caring for each other ,but come to find out i was the only faithful,honest person in our marriage. That still hurts  more than it should
       Its been almost 5 years to the date of fiinal bd maybe thats why I'm feeling so bad lately ? All I know is I'm still mad as he77 at him and I can't get through the hate. I know I have to stop this in order to get on with my life.
     I read on here about the 5yr turn  , and it kinda happened but he was still married to someone else and still lying . He was asking his mom and my kids about me and even friends that I still have that really have nothing to do with him much.
   The few times I have had to text him ,he sounds like a different person . We are from the country ,hunting,fishing,4 wheeling in the mud , just good fun and talk as country as we are. But he has even git an accent now? He has not left the country still lives abot 30 min from me ,its just all hard to wrap my head around . Like I said maybe because its almost bd time?
   I know I ramble on and don't have the best writing structure,so if you have read this ty for taking the time and any advice would help

  Thank you Urssa for finding my old thread

[Treasur]

HI Rope - where better to come than here, we get it 

It's tempting to judge the 'spinning' as bad bc it feels so uncomfortable and can feel like a step backwards, can't it?
But maybe it isn't, maybe it is like the last bit of a rinse cycle in a washing machine lol. Or polishing rather than cleaning up lol.

In my experience, I found that things popped up to be dealt with (sometimes things I thought I HAD dealt with) bc I was ready to deal with them in a way I just couldn't earlier. So it felt like a step back but was really a step forward if that makes sense? (I'm a similar timeline to you and my xh remarried in about the same timeframe after divorce was final)

Do you know what triggered the new spin, if anything?
And what are the specific thoughts spinning around right now? How are these spin thoughts affecting your day to day life?
And, just as importantly, how is the rest of your life going right now in these strange times? And how are your kids doing?

[5hilmerton]

Hi there Rope,
I am a newbie to the MLC PHENOMENON BD May 19. My H is an infrequent contactor, maybe once a month, usually when he needs something. I have read back through your threads, thank you for your updates.

After i read through your threads all i could say is  "WOW".  I read how you dealt with your life changing issues, while dealing with the MLC.  You raise the bar of emotional strength and stamina. 

We all learn so much from each other. I am learning how when i think i got this bull by the horns H will text me and i turn into a quivering bowl of jello, I did not realize the LBS cycles too.  But it is for sure most days i am great and then BAM i get knocked out of the Marathon and need a couple of days to recover.

Just want to let you know i view you has a strong warrior riding in the frontline of the MLC battleground. 

5hil

[Ropeburn]

Treasur
   Thank you I just felt the need to talk to someone who understands ,I know this is he place to be .
   I thought I ad dealt with all these ups downs repeat , but this spin really knocked me around . Its just my heart is still so 💔 I don't think it will ever fully mend,lord knows I have faked it enough . I go around with a fake smile most days, friends and family just don't understand , hell I don't understand lol.
    The trigger : I'm lucky enough to live right in front of my mother in law and he wanted to make sure I knew he would be coming over today . Messed with me bad,not sure why .
    Kids: My son left his crazy ( ty lord ) but he is living with me ,lost his job due to covid mess , hasn't found new one yet . Daughter left her mental abuser lived with me for a while ,her and grandson,they have a new place now.
   Crazy times: Oh how I am thankful for my small country life.

    My health is probably one reason this spun me round , new diabetics meds,and new nerve calming meds.  But on the bright side foot doing lots better , ulcer almost healed after 6 yrs  so doing good physically  👏 its the good ole mental thats kicking my but .
       Again ty for replying ,how are you?

[Ropeburn]

5hil
   Thank you for your kind words . Yes life hit hard for a while . Wow ty for reading through the crazy ,lol, for the most part I doing good . When I post this going to hunt your story and read up. Yes mlc is a life killer,changer,maddening crazy thing I would not wish on anybody.
   Again ty going to read now

[KeepItTogether]

Hey Rope. So happy to hear from you, although NOT happy about your pain. But I understand. I've been at this 4.5 years and it still kicks me in the a$$.  Chalk it up to the fact that we are loyal to a fault and we loved hard. That doesn't just go away. And I am thankful it doesn't bc I wouldn't want to be the kind of person who can just walk away from one life and start a new one....especially when there are actual humans involved.  Thing is, I am not so sure our MLCers can either. I think so many of them struggle a great deal. Yes, they have distractions--OP, drinking, gambling, and the like. But once the well of distractions has dried up, what then?

My H disappears until he thinks I've moved on. Then he pops in for a brief T&G, and vanishes again.  And it still gets me, although I am a bit better than before.  So I completely understand what you are going through.

I agree with 5hil--you are an amazing warrior who has been an inspiration to me. So so happy your foot is doing better. You deserve some peace in your wonderful small country life!

[in it]

Hey Rope

Tie a knot in that rope and hang on. The worst thing about this you still have contact. He's still asking about you and going through third parties to find out, again that's not helping.  Must be I missed your post where you tore him a new one. Good job! (bless his heart  )

Ok so I'm 10 years divorced on Sept 11 of this year and as much as I wanted to celebrate the date is kind of tough to have a party on. (and aside from being  stupid enough to go back)  I was 1 year on my own then 1 year and 8 months foolishly thinking and trying  wreckencilation- (that word was an understatement)
Then another 4 years on my own after that to actively work on healing.

 I am 7 years clear of the mess. Zero contact. I've got a clear conscience and I know I've made the right decision to move on and I do not even wish things were different.I have some peace in my life and although it feels a bit strange compared to constantly dealing with some drama, chaos, or crisis of the exs in my old life, I'm getting used to it.

I still have triggers and setbacks and scratch my head over some things , but not about the dead marriage.I still deal with some trauma.  As for your anger, I still get it, use it as fuel for determination to move on passed this. Sometimes anger is a messenger that some thing is wrong. If you want to rant and vent PM me..Lord knows I've done a lot of it. How is your relationship with your kids? Is it stressing you out with all this other stuff going on? I remember your S wasn't being very respectful at one point. Is he any better?

I'm glad your health is better and things have healed. Go easy on yourself with the new meds. It will take time to to adjust to.

The regulations (or whatever you want to call them) have done and are doing a number on every one with this virus. I'm sorry you are struggling.  Could be the 5 year turn. More than likely a combination of all of everything is overwhelming. Besides being penned in somewhat for months. Be kind to you.Get a big fuzzy blanket out and curl up in that.

(((HUGS)))

In it
 

[xyzcf]

I read a quote yesterday that sums up why we continue to have that pain and emptiness, even several years later.

"As far as I can see, grief will never truly end. It may become softer over time, more gentle, and some days will feel sharp. But grief will last as long as love does-- forever. It's simply the way the absence of our loved ones manifests in your heart. A deep longing, accompanied by the deepest love. Some days, the heavy fog may return, and the next day, it may recede once again. It's all an ebb and flow, a constant dance of sorrow and joy, pain and love." -Scribbles and Crumbs - @lexibehrndt "

Some people seem to be able to put this behind them but many have not. I am in contact with HS members who don't post anymore and there are times we call one another  because we understand that this doesn't "go away".

I have a hard time allowing myself to think about the memories of our 35 years together. I have to stop them. I know there were lovely times together but I cannot go there. I also do not go places where we had those lovely times.

Yet, things are calm and peaceful now where once I was a terrible mess. COVID is affecting me deeply because I cannot go home and visit my family.....

You are allowed to feel what you feel. That your BD date is approaching...that always causes me several days, usually before the actual date of sadness. I accept that is how things are and am glad when those dates are past.

Take good care of yourself. Glad that ulcer is better on your foot.

[Ropeburn]

Kit
  I try to go on living as best I can ,I know we all got tired of TIME but it is true.  Yes I was loyal and faithful to a fault ( I should have seen signs?) I know I couldn't have stopped it though . I am at peace at how I handled it all though ,I let him know we could try ,I let him know I would always love him(but now I think its more like I will always care) I let him know he had a soft place to land ...I didn't quit until I saw he had gotten a marriage license in the local paper .
     What was the first thing I did ..FB lol . Yep went snopping, he does not ,or tells  our kids he doesn't  have an account and he didn't here. I wanted to see her . Well I saw her for about 5 seconds I kid you not she took it down blocked me and my friends list whatever . Lmao she is afraid of me? Ummm she was married also she was accountant at his place of work so she knew all his finances.  But she didn't know what a good lawyer I had  he has to pay for home  ;Dcar ;Dand alimony for life or until remarried  so yeah she got him and his empty wallet.
   
 Init
   Oh how I wish I had tore him a new one way before and after . How the he'll do they think its anywhere near ok to start a new life? Oh well their loss I see my grandson,daughter,son and mother in law daily my mom every other day so yeah he is missing out on lots .
  My daughter actually asked me after going to his house for Christmas who is that and what happened to my dad? I told her he just had some kind of breakdown maybe he would be back ....My son doing much better since he left his crazy ..he was addicted to xanax and I found out the hard way . He was always ok except the time he wasn't I tell you I'm not proud but I told him to pack his stuff and get out . It got a little violent after that, embarrassed to say, but he knows I mean what I say now ,I think I scared him lol.
 I just came back from foot Dr and it looks good I go back once a month for a while now  ;Dwas going every week. Covid is grrrr I know that is some of my depression and the fact that the last 8weeks was mostly bed ridden, but I already feel better talking to you guys
   Hugs

 Xyzcf
   Yes I don't think this feeling of abandonment, being tossed aside will ever g away . I get so angry at times if he was here I would wring his cheating,lying,neck. But I would never ever go back no matter how much I still care . How could I ever trust him? No its over  and I know this but he does like to try to be nosey. I told my kids and my mother in law to not say anything else about me around him ,or to me about him.
   No doubt it is Bd anger right now and what I didn't say before ..He actually asked a gf if I was dating ,I hit the roof . What firetrucking  does it matter to him but she got him ( she told him I was dating someone he knew about from before we was married ) so yeah thats what started him asking about stuff ughhh never have his cake ,fork,knife,bib again lol

 Hugs

[sachat3]

So lovely to hear your update. I don’t have much to offer other than a virtual hug

[in it]

Well Rope don't be too hard on yourself. Sometimes you take quite a bit of the nonsense then you gotta scare the crap out of them. Enough is enough.You mean business when you speak. Maybe he'll respect you now.
You are using your head  not ever entertaining taking the ex back. And no, you cannot trust him.

[Ropeburn]

Sac3
    Thank you for the hug I always need those. And I'm sending one back because if your here you need it too

  Init
  Yeah I know everything he left or was late I would wonder and thats no way to live.

I'm very independent and not being able to clean house or  even get myself ice really just had me depressed. I got out a little to day and cleaned living room ( kitchen is next  ) tnank goodness son does laundry ,except folding and thats fine with me. Need to rest a bit for now

   Hugs and skittles farts

[Ropeburn]

Hi
   So glad I came back hee just having a place to chat is great and its really helping with my depression.  I got a little eager yesterday and moved everything off  my porch hosed it and cleaned it real good ,did a little yard work . This place just about got away from me looked like I had someone living on my porch lol.  And the polk weeds and oh lordy anyway got all that mess cleaned up and hauled away . I kinda over did it foot angry with me but it will be OK

 Ex came back Tuesday wtf? But I stuck to my promise to me ,I stayed in back of house cleaning ,organizing got a lot done,  I really didn't know how much depression I was in but now with a big thanks to you guys I'm coming out .
 
  Hugs stay safe

[UrsaMajor]

That's what we're here for.... to smooth out the wobbles.....

[sachat3]

I think we’ve all been there. Hell I know I have, especially with the garden. One minute it’s “meh not too bad” next it’s “oh holy hell. It’s awful”.

Your doing fantastic!

[Ropeburn]

Sac3

    Thanks for dropping by ... ugh I now that .. why do we do this to our selves

[sachat3]

My theory is, when we put a job off it multiples at an obsessive rate. I left a small bit of my garden. Just last week as it started raining and the bit I already did is already growing pretty quick 😩

[Ropeburn]

Sac
  Your theory is spot on. Sorry been so long in replying ,life happens, nothing bad thank goodness just day to day life .

  Spirit is coming back up ,I have cut myself a break . I was married to ex for over half my life,so what if I have a bad day here and there. I am allowed and I always come through it ,faster and better as time goes by .

 Hoping all who reads is healthy and safe ..hugs

[sachat3]

Tbh I think it would actually be stranger if you didn’t have down days after a marriage that long!

[Ropeburn]

Sac
   Me to and God love us we are all stronger than we think 🙂🙂

[sachat3]

I think it’s a strange old world because every so often I see silver linings to the cloud and it really does help.

[Ropeburn]

Hi guys
  Still doing good here treading water not fighting the current.  I now think it was the 5 yr mark thing that spun me round and round . Maybe its just the finalism of it all? Not sure but definitely trying to look up now . I have to loose some of this bored emotional weight now . I just had about 8 inches of hair cut off ,,,I love it... it was really getting stringy looking and not healthy at all.
  I kept it longer for years because he liked it  and it stayed that way so he would still see me as attractive?  Lord where was my head and backbone? Anyways it to my collar now and feels great 👍, so I'm really starting to change my self again . Its really about time and it feels wonderful 👏 😌.   Please keep good thoughts coming ,time to get MY life back again ...

Hugs

[sachat3]

I yhink we’ve all been there. Doing things for them. But it’s also freeing to do what we choose for ourselves. I bet your hair looks lovely!

[Ropeburn]

  One of those triger things just came in the mail ,a quit claim deed .( for home) I know I'm happy its mine ,but its also another final part of our life together,I knew you all would understand my feelings on here.
   Its not as bad as some before ,hopefully that means I'm getting on with life?
   Thinking about joining a dating site ,would like to hear feedback on that...good ,bad,ugly...experiences or just thoughts .

  Wow didn't even cry proud of me ,might tear it up later but as of now just a sad ,another part of our life is over,feeling .

 Hugs stay safe

[sachat3]

I don’t want to put you off dating sites haha and maybe it’s just people my age, but, I’ve found the people on their are after one thing. Don’t get me wrong, that’s fine if you are too. But from what me and my friends have noticed apps like tinder etc are full of F boys.

However, if it’s rating your after. I’d do things the old fashioned way. Maybe ask friends if they can set you up, go out etc.

In my experience the people I spoke to online ended up ghosting me, being D Heads, being married etc. But the people I met in a pub when out with friends were much better.

[Ropeburn]

 No you didn't put me off ,still undecided . And I asked for opinions so not sure what I will do . I'm ok for now still learning to love and put me first ,dang who knew that would be so hard ? Lol
 I'm 55 not 90 so there is time .

   I'm really thinking of selling my place and getting a tiny home ,not a teny tiny ,I'm a crafter,  so lots of storage for that ,would like a small maybe 2 bed bath and a half ,or 1 bed just 650 or so sq feet . So yeah been looking ,would have to get enough from my place to pay cash ,water,septic.electricity ,I know mine would bring it but maybe giving up the devil I know to the unknown ? I would be moving behind my mom ,its mine deed in my name, its 10 acres of river access property very desirable. But really in no hurry to do anything ,just learning to live again ..

[sachat3]

Learning to live again is what makes it all worth while

[Ropeburn]

I agree and I'm finally really able to start . With out country( usa) in so much turmoil right now  its a hard time to see the light at any end .

[Ropeburn]

Hi guys
   Just wanted to drop by and catch up on some threads . I hope all this craziness in the world has left you all untouched for the most part and I hope you all are healing and getting along great


Hugs

[Ropeburn]

Hi guys
 I was reading through and found an update by someone whom I thought had a marriage much like my own. So when I read the complete update I realized ( like a proverbial light bulb) I in a way am still waiting for my ex to reach out to me to say I'm sorry ,I treated you like shyt nd you didn't never deserve that.
    As you can tell if you read between the lines I have very low self esteem ,its getting better, I placed my whole happiness in his hands . No one should ever be in charge of our happiness, part of It yes,but never in charge ,no one human should be allowed to have that much power over you . Its only took me since  BD to realize  this ,but the point is I have . And its so ,so nice to get this off my shoulders and mind.
  His MLC put me in a tail spin ,still spn some, I blamed it all on me cause he was just the best person in the world ,duh. Then came the thinking she has to be so much better than me because he chose her,lol,now that is funny .
   I am a good person I love with my whole being I trust unconditionally and I will be damned if I give up who I am because he flew over the coocoo nest .
   I'm in therapy finally and I'm hoping it shows ,I will not settle for less than I deserve just because he left ,it was not my fault ! And I do not have to apologize to anybody for nothing. 
   It being close to BD sent me for a spin but thank goodness it did ,because I finally sought out help in RL . There is no shame I have never had great coping skills and thank goodness I realized I needed help .

  ITS OK NOT TO BE OK

 Hugs and best wishes

[sachat3]

I hope therapy works for you. I can’t see why it won’t. But these MLC change us. I guess that’s the crisis.

[Ropeburn]

Sac
 I think it is the right move for me . I need to let go of the anger and the guilt, I still sometimes think what if I had done this or that.
  I know I could have done nothing ,and mostly I know I did nothing wrong .

[Ropeburn]

  The holidays can be so stressful.  I love this time of year ,Thanksgiving,getting together with the family, this year going to be a little different. Thank you covid.
 We usually have 15 to 20 of us and we go to a wonderful restaurant so fun . But with this covid doubt the restaurant will even be open and even if it is its not safe . So we have a family get together planed. Me ,kids mom and grandson ,we all been around each other anyways .

 The ex, or the body double lol, he wants kids to come over Thanksgiving.  He knows we have it with mom,especially sinceee dad passed,he never even liked it before, usually went hunting.

 I'm trying to be the better person ,so hard ,and not say anything ,my son told him no he wants to be with us. Daughter not made up mind yet . I really hope she stays here with us and I get to be with grandson. I think she will because she has seen the different person he has become,and she doesn't like it.

  I guess he and she are in heavenly married bliss.  My son said she calls him by his first name ,which  he hated? He has changed so much I dont even know him now . But that just makes it easier .

  I hope each one of you has the  bestest holidays ,we deserve it after the shyt storm we been through .

 Hugs

[Ropeburn]

  Well my sis can't come in for holiday, her state pretty bad.

  But I will have my kids and grandson ,yippee.  My daughter decided not to go to her dads . She said she don't feel comfortable or welcome there. I'm glad to have them here but that is  sad that he can totally flip and change who he is. Family his kids were important to him. So sad

Hugs

[sachat3]

I know that feeling. It’s the same with clington. Last year I had the kids all over Christmas. And I get them again this year. I’m not complaining like, but it must be crap for him.

[OffRoad]

You sound good, Ropeburn. Putting your self esteem back together can be a long haul project after all this.

I'm glad your children are with you. Much as we want the kids to have their own relationship with the MLC spouse, that means we often lose out on Holidays. It's sad to end up in a place we didn't expect where we sometimes end up without the kids on special days. This year's my adult kids will be going to their father's for Christmas. So we will have our own Christmas in mid December.

Make your own new traditions if you need to. Thanksgiving on November 12th. Christmas on December 18th. New years on Jan 5th. It's your life!

I hope you enjoy your holiday!

[Ropeburn]

Sac ,
    Well come to find out he is having step son over , I mean really  . Even though son wasn't going it peed him off he said hmm new wife now new kid new life. I'm afraid he has lost his son makes me so sad


  Off road
    Hey good to hear from you 😊  Ain't it the truth that we been put through the ringer.
Sorry if I sound bitter I guess I always will be where he is concerned. 

   My kids are grown too 27 31 son lives with me right now he lost his job to covid. But you know I love it I see my kids and grandson every day.
    Oh yeah we are making new memories

Hugs

[OffRoad]

It's weird to me that hurt and sad is often equated to bitter, and even that bitter has such a negative connotation. I am resentful when the state sends me a letter stating I owe them money when I do not, then I have to spend my time giving them all the paperwork they already have and show that I don't owe them money. It doesn't make me bitter, just resentful that I have to use my time doing this.

In any case, you didn't sound bitter to me, just sad that you have to deal with this. And that's ok. It is sad to have to deal with this.

Hope you have a great holiday!

[Ropeburn]

Off Road
   I hope you have good holiday too ,but yes your right I'm angry as he77 that he took that part of my life and threw it away like nothing.
  I'm pissed that step kids are more important than his own

I'm trying to get over being mad but then he does something else . Ugh he left remarried he is her problem now ,he just needs to see how hurt his adult kids are and care


Hugs

[Ropeburn]

   Nothing much new . The ex seems to be blowing up relationships fast and quick ,we were best friends with another couple,  now he is fighting with them over trivial shyt. Gf started to talk to me about it and I told her I hated it ,something changed in him ,and I really don't loose any sleep over him anymore.
     It feels good to truly be at that point ,where I'm not sad on a daily basis, and I hardly ever cry anymore. I don't post on most peoples threads because I truly do not want to say the wrong things or to hurt someone. This mess has taught me some dear lessons ,who my real friends are,that the only person you can change is you . You can't change the situation s of everyday life ,but you can change how you react to them . I went through a phase where I bit everyone's head off ,I was miserable and trying to make everyone miserable too. That has quit . Now I can talk to others and not get mad if something is said in the wrong way or if someone disagree with me. I'm getting back to being the happy old me again .
   
     This experience broke me for awhile  but only because I let it . Now I know it was not my fault and nothing I could have said or did would have stopped it . I loved my life while I was married and never thought I would ever be me again ,but I finally am. I have finally put my rings and a piece of my heart in a box and filed it under life.

  Do I still get mad ...yes I get angry as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs, but I handle it differently now . I made changes in the way I let things affect me and the way I react to them so I am a much calmer ,friendlier person than I was even 6 months ago.

   It was told to me that the ex said he misses me and doing things with me .  Well he has waited to late now ,the water done went under the bridge. He said he ran into this relationship with out thinking . Well at least he sees that now .

  Someday I may want to try a relationship again but not until I fully am me again. I don't think I will ever trust anyone ever again ,and that makes me sad. I am working on it and making good progress . Well I have rambled on about nothing enough thank you for reading . This place gets us and how we feel ,because we are of a kindred soul.


  Merry Christmas  hugs to all

[UrsaMajor]

yes I get angry as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs,

Don't hate on me but that is the funniest description of it that I have heard in forever... That could be a UM'ism.....

[sachat3]

I’m not sure you’ll ever be “you” again. I know I won’t ever be me before Bd ever again either. But you know what, I’m okay with that.

[5hilmerton]

Thank you Ropeburn for keeping it real.  I believe we all change every time we dodge a bullet in life.  I appreciate your updates as you move on.

5hil

[KeepItTogether]

yes I get angry as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs,

Don't hate on me but that is the funniest description of it that I have heard in forever... That could be a UM'ism.....

Me too--Rope you have a way with words! Love it.

And you sound so great.  You've grown and healed in ways that so many wouldn't or couldn't. Good for you! Hugs.

[Ropeburn]

Ursa,
 Of course you did not make me mad ,actually pictured you spiting coffee lol.

  Kit
   Thank you for the compliment s ,honestly I had no choice but to continue down the dark and lonely road I was on ,or to come to grips with this complete mess he made. I don't know if that is the right phrase . I have really did a 180 maybe closer to a 360 interms of how I think and react.

 5hil
   Thank you for stopping by my thread. And for the compliment, I try to keep it real in dread that the woman that believed he was my soul mate, he would never cheat ,tries to come back . She was way to weepy and poor poor pitiful me.

 Sac
  No I will never be the care free person I was before . But the happy person yes I do believe we can all be happy again. What they did ,how they did it hurt deep and bad ,but I have quit feeling like I'm the only person that has ever been hurt ,or lied to by the spouse they love . Feeling like that was truly making me a whimpering ,whiney, please don't get mad at me person in the corner. I did not like or respect that person at all.
 
   All we can do is be the best person we can be . That's what I'm doing . Now that I look back at that time over 5 yrs ago . I wonder what ever happened to the woman I was ,strong,reliable, and friendly . I lost her now that I have even a fraction of her in me again she is here to stay .
   That don't mean I'm not going to be hurt ,or disappointed, its life I know I will be. But I know how to really act differently to situations. And keep my respect for myself .
   All this does not mean I did not love him with my whole heart and soul ,because I did . The person he was not that A hole that took his place. I am ready to let go and grow as much as I can ,lord knows we had the lessons of a lifetime that we call MLC .

  Now I know it was his crisis ,and his divorce. He chose the path he took . I let him know he could come back and we could work on everything. But now I truly thank God that he did not .

   So in all . I think I have grown as an individual and adult. And I like who I am ,I wish this for all of us because we have truly been through enough.


Merry Christmas  and Hugs my friends

[Ropeburn]

Hi guys

   I made it through another one of his Bdays, no heartache at all . This is the first year since BD that I haven't reminded son to text him Happy Birthday, yep he forgot ,just wasn't feeling the need to spare ex any sadness . It is what it is.

   I'm looking forward to Christmas, I going to mil to see grandson open gifts  . Was sad when ex said they were coming here but all of a sudden they need t go where she is from for the holidays . Yay. I can go now myself without any dread he may show up ( they will be 7 hrs away) . Thank you Santa 🎅 lol

   I love ,love Christmas I love giving gifts ,enjoying family,games just a great time to feel love. I will miss my sis  though ,thanks covid , her state is in shut down mode again , but I will have her video chat with us,not the same but better than nothing.

  I wish for all of us to have a fun,loving,stress free day . Hugs to all

 

[sachat3]

I’m lucky. In the UK we can mix with up to 3 households at Christmas. So Christmas at my mums is still on the go for us.

I do think that, for me personally next year I may not be here for Christmas. If again I’m aloud Christmas with the girls and clington doesn’t fight me. I will be aiming to take them to Disney land Paris. It would be so magical.

This Christmas may not be the Christmas you planned but it’ll give you so much more to appreciate and celebrate next year.

[Ropeburn]

Hi guys
  So Christmas was great spent day with mil ,Christmas eve with my mom . My daughter and grandson are living with mil at the time ,so this means I was with son ,daughter,grandson,and a nephew thats like a son.
  Was a great day no mention of ...... lol so was perfect.

  Day after Christmas was a different story ugh. One of those what can go wrong will go wrong days . First... heat pump decided to quit running . First thing son wanted to do was call his dad ...um no sir. But he went to his room and called him anyway 🙄.  Well of course his wonderful dad said what she want me to do about it. Son said we dad im living here too ...crickets.  So me and my unfiltered mouth said I told you .
    So we proceed to go borrow electric Heaters from mom ( until I can afford repair) plugged them in got house warm fast ,then boom lights go out . Ugh fuse blowed I swear can't win for loosing sometimes .
   Son apologized for calling his dad and I told him no he shouldn't have to thats his dad . If he had taught him anything in the first place he would know how to fix stuff,no I didn't say that but I thought it real hard . So have asked best friends husband to come check fuses out tomorrow.

   I handled it better than would have before I decided to let it go and live for me. But ding dang it sometimes I would still take great pleasure in knocking the poop out of him just once ,but then I wouldn't want to hurt my hand so anybody got a spare 2x4?

  I needed this little vent so ty for being here to let me vent ,all will be well in my world again, no hurries to fix heat pump ,and fuses can't be that hard or expensive right?  Son going to help with higher electric bill and he said he will never ask his dad about anything to do with house or me again . Yay wouldn't want to upset the honeymooners perfect life lol. See already feel better 😌

 Hugs

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

First of all, glad you had an awesome Christmas and sorry for your house issues. However, reading your post demonstrates how you have learned to live and love life without him. Out of the depths of despair emerged a strong, resilient, and vibrant woman.

Fuses are easy to replace so no worries there. Electric heaters just draw a lot of amps and it may be best to have a few to gather around. Of course, this is coming from a Southern California boy that has lost all of his Colorado cold blood.

Heat pump is an expense. So sorry. I hope that it does get fixed soon though.

Son going to help with higher electric bill and he said he will never ask his dad about anything to do with house or me again .

Yes, because even your son realizes it was a fruitless endeavor. I actually really feel sorry for your son as he really hoped dad would be there for him as well.  Once again your H let your son down.  That's really sad. Be good to your son today and let him know that you will always be there for him.

Keep moving forward,

((((Ready)))))

[Seahorse]

Ropeburn -
Sorry that Boxing Day was not a perfect day, but know that you should be so proud of yourself for dealing with it and fixing the problem by getting space heaters to keep you and S warm.

MLC sometimes forces us to be independent and you should be proud of your ability to deal with the problem.
AND - your S sees a little more into his father, and also knows that you're there for him.

Hope that you're able to get your heat pump fixed soon.

[Ropeburn]

Readytofixmyselffirst, Seahorse

    Yes being able to solve my own problems feels great. I have a wonderful family that is always asking if I need anything ..
   Yes son thought his dad would at least tell him if breaker to heat pump should be turned off 🙄 ummm son I don't know. So I told s that its ok he is not doing it towards you its me,even though he is 27 it hurts.

    I really think heat pump is just compasatator( I know I butchered the spelling ) but it will wait till April or May . I'm using 2 of the fake fireplace Heaters right now.

  As for breaker box or circuit  ....yay u tube watched like 5 videos ,went and tried to reset notta,then did next 2 steps nothing. Uncle came over with his voltage checker . Said this one is the problem.  He started to take screws out and I asked him to let me do it and guide me ....yay yay lol taking out screws was awesome lmao . Took old one to lowes went up to 20 instead of the 15 im pleased as punch with myself lol 😆.  U tube is my hero lol

 Thank you ready and seahorse for dropping by

Hugs

[UrsaMajor]

I don't want to rain on your parade but please be VERY careful about increasing the amperage of the fuses. Fuses/Circuit breakers are designed to melt/trip if the current load is too high. High current generates heat and, if the wires in the walls are not sufficiently sized or are older, the insulation can melt and/or catch fire. Likewise, the wires themselves can melt and start a fire if the current load is too high.  An example is the electric oven coil.... The electrical running through it is what causes it to get hot.

As long as the load is spread over several circuits (like each room has a separate fuse/breaker, the danger is decreased / limited to the mains coming into the house...

The things one learns in technical school for electricity and electronics that stay with us for nearly 38 years...... 

[sachat3]

I’ve had a fair few of those days where if it can go wrong it will. It’s good you handled it well. Also glad that you had a lovely Christmas.

[Ropeburn]

Um
 
  Of course you are not raining on my parade ,advice always appreciated  .  My uncle was an electrician for a bit and said since it was spread out enough to warrant going up to 20 from 15 ,so my hairdryer should not trip it again . And yes each room has its own circuit breaker and the heat pump has 4 .Feel free to give advice anytime 😊

  Sac
   Yes it was a nice Christmas and I hope your holidays are also. Its so good just to handle little things and not panic,or if I do panic to just breathe,then as dad said ..pull my boot straps up and get on with it 🤪

[OffRoad]

There is great satisfaction in fixing something yourself. I've always been a fixit myself person, but after BD it became a necessity, what with being left with a sink with no plumbing and fluorescent lights with bad ballasts, and holes in the wall and such.

Congratulations to you for learning new skills!! Although I'm sorry the heat pump decided to go belly up for the cold season. 

[KeepItTogether]

I love it Rope--you are one strong woman indeed. I do love the feeling of doing things on my own too. I was so overwhelmed at BD--thought there was no was I could survive without H. Maybe that was our lesson we needed to learn. That we are strong capable women.

  Its so good just to handle little things and not panic,or if I do panic to just breathe,then as dad said ..pull my boot straps up and get on with it 🤪

I think I would like your Dad very much.

I am sorry though that H was such an inconsiderate jerk to S. Of course they ONLY think of themselves, and not how their actions or words might affect the kids. I suppose if they did think of anyone else, they might actually be decent humans, and maybe no longer in crisis.

Happy you had a good Christmas.

[UrsaMajor]

OK. At least there will not be any of this going on at your house...

[Milly]

Rope, your Christmas Day sounded lovely but sorry for Boxing Day and it's black cloud. I've had days/weeks like that so I know what you mean. But well done for calling your uncle in and learning from him. It is empowering.

Sad that your S had to learn this lesson about his dad. These MLCers think they are hurting just us. Not fair for our kids.

[Ropeburn]

Hey
    Been a minute since I posted . Truth is the holidays kinda got me ,didn't want to admit it. Because I was doing so good ,but truth is I kinda got depressed,  wasn't just ex . My sweet Daddy loved Christmas, he loved the family coming together,giving gifts,getting gifts,really just a big kid .
   My dad went into nursing home with alzhimers , my ex left right when I needed him most , my sister acted like she was on another planet, mom was destroyed, so I had to be strong.
   My ex left right about the time dad got bad. Really he left about the exact same time I made the decision to have dad put somewhere he would not hurt himself or us. People say this disease is hard ,this disease is awful.
    My dad was the sweetest, kindest,most giving,fun loving ,Christian man you could ever meet.He became so violent,hitting,cussing,kicking,biting,just mean,and dead eyes ,dad had left the shell that was his body.

 Mom could not make the decision she was so hurt and lost. Sis buried her head in the sand ,ex ran ,but something had to be done . He was going to kill mom or me . Have not told a lot of people how bad it got ,because  not everyone would understand that was no longer dad. I can laugh about some things now ,cry about others,but in all I'm at peace with how I did things. Sorry I rambled on a bit but needed to talk about it today.
   
   Used to think if it was MLC or just tired of being married,I know it was MLC. So much happened in just a short 3 yr period,he lost his uncle whom he loved ,our daughter became pregnant, my dad became sick, it just was to much on him ,his mind broke I know this now. It still hurts ,this is the only place I can talk about this. So bear with me.
  I realize this was a hard holiday season because it was the BD 5 yr mark., and Dad passed away 5 yrs ago, 1 day after my anniversary .
 

  But the dark cloud is lifting ,I forgive myself for having to put Dad in home,I forgive myself for my part if any in ex leaving,I forgive myself for every thing.
 
    Corona has us living differently ,I miss the occasional drink at the bar,going to friends,just getting out. I hope and pray that it dissappear s but I have my own conspiracy theory on that 🤔.

I'm so thankful for this place and you all words can't express. Therapy was a bust ,helped for a while though, but I'm good again . We must all learn to forgive and get on with living, that's when we really heal.

 Sorry for the long poorly written letter,I just needed to talk . Ty all for being here 💓 💕

 Hugs

[Treasur]

Dear, dear Rope...just wanted to say I hear you. And send a hug.
Multiple losses are hard, really hard. And losing someone to dementia is just as hard as losing someone to MLC craziness. And living in these virus days makes loss and every bit of GAL and positivity hard too, doesn't it? There's just no normal to be found easily is there?
You're not alone....but yes, it is hard some days. So, another hug from here x

[Ropeburn]

Treasur
 
   Well said my friend. What is normal now? Thank you for the hug and the reassurance im not alone.
   Driving my dad to the hospital and him thinking he was just having blood pressure checked broke my heart ,but I'm ok with it because I know that was no longer my dad and he is at peace now .

  Again ty for the hug

[FaithWalker]

Sending you a big hug here in the beginning of 2021 Rope.  I can't imagine how hard it must've been to have to deal with the loss of your Dad on top of MLC. 

I am so glad that we have this forum to come together and give each other support.  Because I know when I am feeling weak and exhausted, someone else has enough strength and comfort to share.

Thank God for Hero's Spouse.

[sachat3]

Late to the party and also sending you a hug.

The holiday season makes many people depressed sk don’t beat yourself up about it. We’re humans not robots and I find it’s a better out than in vibe.

I can’t offer much practical advice, I find myself saying that a lot these days haha. But everything passes. One say, you will be in a bar again and this last year will be a distant memory.

[Ropeburn]

Faith...sac
   Thank you both for the hug ,lord sometimes I miss being able to hug and be hugged ...just physical contact period.

   I too am so thankful  for this site too,and yes the holidays with out my dad is depressing,

   Sac oh lord I will toast you in a thought with my first shot. Lolo)ol

[Ropeburn]

  I don't know how some of you all get along so well and not have set backs?
 
   I'm really happy that you can and that you have started new lives , I get started then boom im knocked back 39 steps . I start feeling good,about being in my skin then I let something knock me back . I am honestly trying not to be affected by anything the ex does or does not do . But truthfully I sometimes think I'm a weak person,and I get so mad at myself for still caring...ugh

  The latest thing ...my s birthday was forgotten 😢 yes he is an adult ,but how do you forget your s birthday? Of course s said mom its fine im old enough it doesn't bother me ,yeah ok. Well yesterday he brings him a b day present and tells him since he is giving me so much of his money that its hard to be able to do anything. WHATEVER I KNEW IT WOULD BE MY FAULT still yet to this day he blames me for everything. I honestly thought I was ok over it but damn ,and yes the fact it bothers me makes me mad as h 🤬, so please don't think I'm a nut case im really not ..lol I just need to quit caring.

   I was so tempted to move to a place where I didn't see anything or anyone that reminded me of ex ,but isn't that the same thing he did? If you want to pm me feel free . If you have any suggestions please relay them im open for anything ,well almost,. Im just so dang tired of falling backwards


 Hugs

[OffRoad]

Hugs to you. I'm not one who expects everyone (or anyone for that matter) to just wander on their merry way and never be affected by what was. We will often be reminded or triggered by something, and when we share children with the MLCer, there will always be something.

Your xh is NOT giving you his money.  If he pays you spousal support, he is contributing back to all the years you supported him, without asking for compensation for all you did. The sweat of your brow in the house is not without cost. That he has to twist it all to make you the bad guy is his issue. You might want to consider working on whether or not taking what your MLCer says as being of any importance, of course. But you can't change what he thinks or says, even if it's trying to level you because he forgot his own son's birthday. A call costs nothing. A visit costs nothing, except gasoline or bus fare.

Try reframing interactions like this. He's a messed up individual. What he says is not about you, but about him trying to cover his own mess ups. It's hard to feel pity for someone with so much anger, but really, it was pitiable.

[UrsaMajor]

This is blame-shifting and nothing more. He screwed up and doesn't want to accept responsibility so he finds ways to make everything your fault (nothing new there, eh? Same old Stuff)

OR has it right that he is simply trying to cover his own a$$

He deserves nothing more than

[Treasur]

I'm not sure that any of us entirely stop caring, Rope. This was our family, our life, our marriage, our own history....and it got blown up into a million incomprehensible pieces by someone who acted like an angry stranger but wore the face of someonevwe had loved and trusted. I just think we stop expecting anything better or different from these strangers we used to love....and so we get hurt less bc we are not disappointed when they behave like mean, crappy, irrational, toxic folks.

Which is sad and sensible at the same time. Please don't let yourself believe that any vet here, no matter how much good stuff is in their new life or how strong they seem, does not have those occasional moments of residual shock or hurt or sadness. Or that you are 'failing' if you do. Actually, you are just being normal after the WTF ending to a long marriage and a previous family life. It isn't normal to discard your family as if they are nothing and to still behave with anger and blame about a situation you created for yourself and others. And sounds as if your xh has not in fact found his 'magic happy', doesn't it? Still angry, still blaming, still lying and still not holding himself accountable for his own actions. Bc of course it makes no sense at all to blame someone who is no longer even in your life....but these unhappy dysfunctional folks seem to do so for years which tbh is probably how their karma unfolds. And gosh, he must be tons of fun to live with  ....which is probably owife's karma showing up lol.

Let the feelings wash through, Rope. It's normal but it will pass.

[Ropeburn]

Um and Treasur,Off Road, and all that read

Thank you for stopping by and the support.  Um. He is brilliant when it comes to shifting blame or covering his butt.
  Off Road.
  Darn tootin right its my well earned paycheck, even though he says because I draw disability,and he had to pay off car ...and house 🏠  ( I had a good lawyer that despised cheaters) so he had to pay .. Ever heard would have been cheaper to keep her? Lol
 Treasur
 Thank you for saying everyone no matter probably still has bad days ,cause I feel so dumb for it still hurting and surprising me ,how he acts now🙄. But when he hurts My Kids ,no matter how old they are ,I will not keep my big mouth shut . When my adult son got tears in his eyes and said mm ,dad forgot my birthday again.  Let me tell you I see firtrucking red.
   If my daughter had not told him ,he would have not remembered until daughters Bday.
  I know its not all sunshine and roses in their new marraige. Knew it for a fact when he told friends he misses me and maybe he acted to quickly ...hmmm YOU THINK  . When it started with them she was also married ,go figure . I have done a lot of ,we will call it research , lol . He moved her up here to his new little home the weekend he left me. He paid the bill for moving ,name escapes me,company,with a check big dumb azz. The lawyer had requested his bank info I didn't look at it til recently 😳 hurt to much ,but when I saw that shyt plus where he had stayed at a motel when he was supposed to be fishing,not once but 3 frigging times,yeah fishing alright with the worm God gave him lmao. Needless to say my heart bout burst then came the fury,not anger im talking red faced veins bulging fury.
   I felt betrayed and dumb all over again . I had been doing very well since then ,oh and the std test ,I had Dr run thank goodness it was fine ,I think I would have slashed his tires put sugar in his tank or something ,I would have done something dumb like that .Oh BTW I now know where stupid lives lol 😆 🤣  Its on the checks he sends when he has to have her help 😂 love it 😀 His checking account shows a p.o.box so I know when she has to help ,the pleasure I get from that is evil I guess 👿👹 but I laugh all the way to the bank.

  Anyways sorry for the long winded rant ,but felt good . I'm so glad I have somewhere to come and spew like that,when needed. And don't get me wrong when friends told me he missed me I laughed and still do . My heart broke when he left I hope his does too. I am mean lol I'm human and very blunt if I think it or feel it I say it ,thats just me .

 I was told once to be careful and not let my Alligator mouth over run my Mickey mouse ass  lol So I looked at them and said have u seen my ass? I think I got this lol


Hugs to all and ty for being here


 

[Milly]

Rope, I got a laugh from your last paragraph!  I agree with Treasur, no matter how many years since BD or how well we are doing in our new lives, we can still get minor set backs. Luckily our new found skills allow us to cycle back up quickly. I will still get very angry when my H behaves unfairly to one of my kids. That brings out my anger instinctively. Luckily, it's usually one massive swear word done in the bathroom. 

[Ropeburn]

Milly
 
   Oh my I may have been drinking a little 😳 😅.  Thank you for stopping by and reading my rant ,and letting me know the set backs are somewhat normal,
  My kids are grown but they are still his and my children and I'm 55 and still need my mom . Not like I did but so grateful I still have her . So yeah you want to see the red neck ,vein popping mad woman hurt my kids .
  I can't help to laugh when he gets a taste of karma ,just hope karma stays away from me  lol.

 Hugs

[UrsaMajor]

I was told once to be careful and not let my Alligator mouth over run my Mickey mouse ass  lol So I looked at them and said have u seen my ass? I think I got this lol

[Ropeburn]

Um
 Lol thanks that was super funny needed the laugh (glad mouth was empty)

[UrsaMajor]

Um
 Lol thanks that was super funny needed the laugh (glad mouth was empty)

Glad to be of service! 

Better to laugh than the alternative

[sachat3]

Catching up

I can categorically say, even tho I’m not sad about the breakup anymore. I do a fairly good job of moving on and living my best life. Certain things still semi trigger me. I’m always says “makes me laugh how he does x”. It’s not a laugh like haha that’s so funny. But we’re human. We have emotions. That’s why we feel things.

[Ropeburn]

Sachat3

  Thank you ,. I haven't been doing well health wise and I think a lot of it is due to stress . I'm good now emotionally, I wish to all thats holy that I didn't live right in front of his mom. I'm going to get everything fixed up here and put it up for sale. I think that will help so much ,my mom owns 9 acres and I'm going to put a tiny home or small doublewide or fabricated home ,,,I hope that's the right word lol
  I'm mostly bed,couch with foot up right now . Its swollen and very painful ,,took blood to see if its gout,arthritis, or the worst infection around the bone,lord I hope not .

   I'm doing better emotionally though its hard sometimes,,,then I watch TV, he controlled that,or I take a long bath ,,,was a waste ,  or I buy butter pecan icecream,,nothing could have nuts,,lol its freeing . Ok I rambled on enough hugs


Hugs

[in it]

That sounds like a really good idea Rope. Those tiny houses or any kind of fabricated homes are really nice. I think it would be a huge help if you change the "view" .
Hugs

[KeepItTogether]

Mmmmmm butter pecan ice cream. Self care at its best.

I like the idea of putting a house on your moms land. I think it will be liberating for you too.

Hope the foot heals quickly!

[Ropeburn]

  I have cone to a safe place to talk about something only me,mom and ex knows .
   We had been married only 3 wks  when he got a job out of town. I was used to him doing this while we dated so I was fin e with it . He stayed at the job site 2 wks came home and acted like  he could not get enough of me . He stayed 3 days then went back to job site.
   I noticed I was itching in the nether region s I figured it was an allergic reaction to something . I had body lice ,crabs, went to Dr got meds for us both took care of me and left him a note on his . I went to my moms she said dont tell your dad ,he doesn't need to know ,so we told dad I didn't want to stay alone anymore so I was going to stay there till ex got back.
    He came back and it didn't take him a hot minute to get to moms. I told him not there we would talk ,fight,later. We went to house him talking the whole time me saying nothing,I walk in start getting my clothes and he pushed the button one to many times . Not proud of the things I said but I don't think I have ever been as mad before or since.
    I'm so much a fool he told me he got them from a port o potty , I believed him and stayed  . I know now how dumb I sound ,I truly believed him . Please don't pass judgement ,I needed a safe place to tell my story of this.
    I was so happy ,for such a short period of time . I realize my marriage was really over that day. I never 100 percent trusted him around females again ,how many times have I wondered what life would have been like if I had just left.
     I'm glad I stayed because of having my kids ,and we kid a good marriage, I put it all out of my mind ,but lately it has really been bothering me and I needed to talk about it, I'm to ashamed to talk to my girlfriends,am ashamed right now at how niave I was.
  More later I need to quit for a bit

[KeepItTogether]

Rope you have nothing to be ashamed of. The only person who should be ashamed is 100% him. You chose to forgive and move on. And you had your beautiful children and now grandchildren. Nothing to be sorry for at all. You are a loving kind hearted sole and your  ex is just lost. Seems he’s been lost for a while.

Thank you for sharing. It was very brave of you.

[FaithWalker]

Very brave to share RB.  NO shame girl.  Sending you (((HUGS))) and lots of them.

[Ropeburn]

Kit and faith
  Ty brave? Coward for not letting myself think about it for 30 yrs yes . But I have moved on ,yes he is lost and remarried now ...her problem with all his lies..

[Treasur]

Rope....well, i wouldn’t call it cowardice tbh and I hope you can see that young self through our kind eyes. You were young and you had just been married for a couple of weeks ffs; it must have been unimaginable that your new h would cheat. And it wasn’t right in front of your nose in a way you could not deny.

Now, sure, you have had more life experience and you see it differently.....and it does take courage to look at our own mistakes honestly let alone share them....but I often think one of the most insidious bits of damage from betrayal is to blame ourselves for all our good normal human stuff. For being trusting, loving, generous, kind....nope, those are good qualities in humans, things that make a huge difference to the quality of life with other humans and they are not diminished by someone else’s abuse of them. We just learn to choose more wisely where we share them.  And you are quite right....your xh is not miraculously better just bc he has changed the face on the other side of the dining table....I suspect that is the reality of how karma actually shows up in the lives of disordered folks tbh.....they reap exactly what they sow.....

[Ropeburn]

Treasur
  Ty  i needed to hear that im not dumb ..yes I was young and very much in love.
  I feel bad because I have not faced this until now ,but I kew I could come here and have no judgement passed.
  No he realizes ,by hear say,that he acted to fast and he should have talked to me .
 
  I'm healing though because I can see him now and not fall apart, and I don't wish him harm. I'm not niave enough to think we could be friends ,nope,he was my best friend .

  I still will have bad days I know and I do but they are short and farther between now . And I think getting this off my chest will help even more.

Hugs

[UrsaMajor]

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