[Treasur]

Sometimes we just have to recognise how far we've come, Rope, as opposed to how much longer we have to go. You can see that, I think, and that's good.

Tbh, we all cycle. I'm not at all in the same awful place that i was but I dip now and then. I feel sadness more than deep gut-wrenching sorrow, that's true, and it hurts rather than stops my breath, it feels shocking still but doesn't leave me gasping like a bewildered beached whale.

Grief and adjustment just takes as long as it takes. I honestly think the best person to gauge your progress is you, and you will know too if you get stuck for too long in a dip and need to do something to jolt yourself out if it. And, at a simple level, it hurts bc you lost things and people you loved and valued. It hurts bc it mattered. I think we just find a way to live round the sore spots with time, sometimes one day after another, so please keep faith that you will do so too.

[Tyks]

Treasur is spot on.

I was just saying to my daughter last night about how different this year is.  It is the third Christmas and I am way farther than I was even just last year. Last year I moved house on Dec 21 and spent Christmas day alone in my new home. I was in a funk for days. This year I have many plans with many people.

You are doing really well, rope. I don't think we ever fully heal. I think there will always be a part of us that thinks about how much we've been hurt but eventually we can think about it for a fleeting minute rather than a days on end cycle.

Feel what you are feeling and move on. It is the only way through it.

[Ropeburn]

Treasur
   Thank you so much . I was feeling like I was the only person here not being where I should be. To hear others say it helps .

Tyks
   Yes she is . I guess I just needed validation that it was ok to feel the pain.
   I'm in a different world than last Christmas. I am standing on my own 2 feet ,I'm making  a new life,one I'm comfortable with.  Like I said ,I think I just needed to know it's ok ty feel the ain't and hurt I still feel . Treasur was right it's not as raw ,nt as crippling.

[Ropeburn]

My son came down last night e told me he had to ask his dad about  marraige . I asked if he was happy my son said he didn't want to talk about it?? He then continued to say his dad said he had texted them both about it but they didn't text back so he figured they was mad at him?? WTF

 My kids aren't gullible and 10 they are 26 and 30 yr old adults,they both said mom we know he didn't text us we aren't crazy what is wrong with him..
  I will never trunk my kids no matter how old against their dad,but I did give them a few sites and pages to read . My son is so badly hurt from this and daughter blamed me in a way but now they Hinkley something snapped  in their dad.
 
 So that's where my family is at this point. Lost in all this but thank goodness we have each other again 

[Believer]

Hi Ropeburn,

I think you’re doing fine. I can honestly share that after 9 years at this, I still have tough moments.
I stopped worrying about whether I had them and instead focused  how quickly I got myself out of it.  That I felt was a better indicator of how I was doing.

As for contact with MIL, I struggled at the start wih MIL given she was a enabler for him  in ways. However eventually I felt sadness for MIL as she had “ lost” her son to the crazy antics of MLC. In fact just today she shared that her son had drastically changed and not for the better.  I decided she shouldn’t lose me as well as her son. I go over to help her around the house at least  1-2x’s a week as well as take her doctor appts. It’s working well, she’s very appreciative as am I.

Just my little bit of wisdom to share.
Believer
It took time however it also took efffort to rebuild a relationship with

[Ropeburn]

Well I got through Christmas  :)it was a sad sight around here til about 600pm . My son and his gf showed up and we had a great visit ,they stayed for 6 hrs was lovely.
   My daughter and grandson never made it  that was depressing but I'm ok now.
 
 I haven't been on in  while because I went through a bad spell . It was not as bad or as long as before. I can't wait til the triggers come and go just like a bump in the road.

   I swear as I'm sitting here putting down my thoughts ,suprise,suprise who goes up the driveway to his mom's house? Lmao really thinking fate has it in for me. I have been sneaking looks out the window ,like a spy, lol.
  I am thinking how dare he firetruck ing come around,just like all is well? But to him in his world all is well,he is newlywed,living in a make belief world. It's me he shat on ,lied to,keep my hopes up .
 
  I am struggling today as you can tell . But I'm sitting up on my couch typing here ,not lying in a puddle on the floor,crying my heart out. It's still hard for me to wrap my head around and probably always will be. I did the picking apart my marraige thing we do,was it my fault? What did I do wrong? Could I have shown more love?appreciated him more? No i know it's not my fault and I could not have done anything differently or better.
  It was bound to happen, it happened to his sister  .. she walked out of a marraige and away from 3 children,cheated and lied . His brother left his wife ,who is riddled with cancer and struggling bad. So maybe it was a family thing?

 I swear if you could see me creeping around trying to sneak a peak at him and not be seen through the window...lol. I want him to look awful,be miserable,not have a friend in the world. I know I'm not spose to be like that but hey I have been through hell and back and back repeat ...so why not wish him some misery? I'm human

  Thank you all for being here for letting me vent ,I need to be able to do that somewhere ,,,thank you for reading my pity party

[Treasur]

All I can do is send you a hug x
Read busybees thread. It was never you, my friend. Your h broke but it was never about you. Or your kids. Still hurts, I know, still shocking...but it was never about you. X

[Ropeburn]

Treasur
   Thank you a hug is good,I know it wasn't me ,sometimes it's jus so darn hard

[Milly]

Rope, I'm sorry you're in a down cycle but as you say, you were not a puddle on the floor this time. I've been in my own funk this Christmas and reading about you acknowledging that you are none the less in a better place than before, was helpful to me, too.

Of course you'll be feeling the sting of him being newlywed. How could you not be? He doesn't tell his kids? Can't be very excited then. Your MIL saying he's changed for the worse? So it's not just you thinking there's something wrong with him. He can't be happy is all I can think. He's still running and looking for distractions.

I'm going to focus on us not being puddles on the floor any more. It's slow. but we're getting better.

[Shelly7435]

[quote author=Ropeburn link=topic=10538.msg703874#msg703874 date=   I swear if you could see me creeping around trying to sneak a peak at him and not be seen through the window...lol. I want him to look awful,be miserable,not have a friend in the world. I know I'm not spose to be like that but hey I have been through hell and back and back repeat ...so why not wish him some misery? I'm human
[/quote]

I know I have felt this way. My mother had a saying that has stuck in my head. She would say you don’t have to do anything. God usually gets those suckers.   
Hang in there!!!