[FearNot]

I'm so sorry that you are suffering. I know this is painful and seemingly never ending, but it is a step in the right direction of your journey. It does have to happen and it's not a bad thing, just a really difficult thing to work through, but you will. You will get through this and heal. It might be baby steps, but they are moving forward. Go at your own pace S66. God does have a plan, we don't always know the in and outs of it, or why it doesn't align with what we want for that matter, but He has a plan for you and He's got you covered!!  Big Hugs!!

Hugs N Prayers,
FN

[xyzcf]

For some of us, time doesn't seem to make a difference in how we feel, how much we miss them and how we are still attracted to them.

Acceptance that I feel this way and that there is NOTHING wrong in feeling this way is how I live now. He is still very much a part of my thoughts and I see him as well......so what is there to do but accept that I do not know what is going to happen in the future and try and live each day in a place of contentment.

I have tried many many things to block him out of my thoughts, it is just not going to happen for me.

Seems a bit cruel that we cannot just shut the door and walk away, heal and resolve whatever feelings we once had...but MLC is such a bizarre situation to be in...especially when they pop up in your life...and you can feel that connection even for a moment again and you know, they feel it too!

Holiday time makes it all more acute.

[Maleficent]

Schratz, continuing to walk this long and lonely painful road with you.  It does feel raw and cold, but I look at those who traveled before us, and they are at a better place in the journey than we are now.  Both of us need to peek at the sun a little more and look for those rainbows.  Hugs.

[Milly]

Schratz, I was thinking about the title of your thread, and I'm going to agree that acceptance feels like death. Reaching the acceptance place is needed, though. I'm kind of there at the moment, and am relieved to be here, but it is a sad place too, because it's a place with very little or no hope. It's a place of having to let go of the dream of our Hs coming home. And it has nothing to do with whether our Hs wake up or not, it's to do with us, we reach a place where it's all over. There will be mourning at this point. I'm at this place now, too. I'm grateful to be at this point, I'm hoping if I get through this mourning stage, I will be freed up of my love/waiting for H. I'm hoping this will be where my co-dependency might end.

I have no magic solutions to feel better, just wanted to share my thoughts. xxx

[stillbaffled]

Continuing on your journey with you, S66.  I'm sending support and encouragement.  The way through is tough and sometimes I wonder if there is an end to it.  I just keep moving forward and living one day at a time.  Maybe that's how it will always be.  I don't know and I try to just stay present in each day and live it to the fullest. 

[FamilyIsMyGoal]

Hi Schratz,

I've been away for awhile but am so glad to be here now and read how you are doing.  I think you are so incredibly strong.  Good for you to get to this stage.  I can imagine it's tough (I'm not quite there yet) but so brave of you.  I like what Milly said, that "it has more to do with us, we reach a place where it's all over."  You are amazing and strong!  Just keep doing the next right thing for yourself.  xoxoxo

[Schratz66]

Thank you everybody for still coming along with me - I cannot say how much your words of support and wisdom mean to me.
I think these MLC know when we are getting to a better place where we try to heal.
They must smell it in the air....

Had another friendly chit chat visitor at my desk again this morning - no reason...just stopping by.....he still cannot look me in the eyes, but it's no longer the dead shark eyes it was before so I guess his guilt is wearing off. Still as clueless as ever on how these stop-ins affect me but today's wasn't as bad as others.
I haven't fled to the bathroom yet and hopefully i wont as I have a job interview this afternoon and I don't need to show up as the red eyed Goobly Gook.

Still no clue why he feels the need to stop by - other than to see I am still where he left me or to prove to himself what a great guy he is since he can be amicable with me, but in the end I will never know nor does it really matter.

D came home for Semester break and we decorated our Christmas tree and have been making homemade gifts and it has been nice to have company.

I hope everyone here is able to get some joy out of the Christmas season no matter how small - my daily joy is to look at my daughter and be grateful she is alive and well and that we have a roof over our head, food in the fridge and money in the bank.

[barbiedoll]

Be proud Schratz of who you are and who you are becoming . You are indeed as strong as women come and I admire how you have walked this incredibly painful path. And still you are on your feet and doing what mom's do. I know you have suffered and I am so very sorry. Christmas will have some hard moments but there is a new year on the horizon and great things come to women just like you .

Yes, stops to chat could be for many reasons as you stated . I also would find that incredibly painful but your actions prove you are getting stronger and stronger . We have many similarities . I remember being at work at getting an email from him to my work computer. The truth is ..I made my co-worker ( a great friend) open it and read it . My hands just shook and indeed end up in the bathroom just a mess. I went zero contact ..never ever called him, saw him, answered him or responded . I just could not have anything to do with him , the shock was that deep. So, you can tolerate visits to your desk ...I am in awe of how you manage it . YOU have come a long long way my friend.

[Seahorse]

Acceptance - yes, what a strong word.
So powerful and so necessary.
Attaching S66.
Sending Hugs

Sea

[Schratz66]

Last Day of work until New Years and we have Ugly Christmas Sweater Day and a gift exchange and I was all Ms Positive Pants and was going to have a great day as MLC normally skips Fridays at work. Should have known....first thing I see when pulling in is his truck which means he is heading to OW for Christmas straight after work.
Why that still hits me like boulder smashing me to the ground - I don't know. But it does and I blame the holiday hormones or something as I am sitting in the bathroom at 8.04 am with my Christmas Sweater crying bitter tears of loss and love and grief.

I just want to go home or run away or crawl in that cave