[Ropeburn]

Following along

[Philadelphiagirl]

Hey T,

Following along. I don't often feel like I have much to add to any discussions these days as my H remains a vanisher but your last thread and this one got me thinking about what recovery means at this stage. I really like the analogy of the `dry stone wall' and thinking that there is an art in knowing which stone that you need next and being confident that it will strengthen your `wall'. I can really relate to that - coming from a flaming pile of rubble at BD to a small little wall of protection which is where myself and the children are now.

I am very very resistant to anyone/anything who/which tries to interfere with what I have built.

You are so right in saying that we take exhausting baby steps. Recovery to me now means peace, miles away from the chaos/cruelty and downright madness of my H. I am so happy to read that you are finding it with your new friends/allotment and Grace.

On the question of what was real - I agree with what the others have said. It was real to ME. Over the last few weeks I have been able to open boxes of old photos, look at old emails (haven't been able to do this since BD in 2016) and I am there smiling, we are there smiling, the emails read as though they are full of love and connection. It all made me so very sad that my H threw this away in such a brutal fashion and without any conversation. But I know that it was real for me T and maybe that is all that we can take from it.

Even though we had children I have also regretted marrying my H. I agree with Airmid re: immaturity. Was it real that my H loved our two children or cared about their welfare? I have no idea but he hasn't had any contact with them since 2017 so I think that immaturity won out in his role as a Father of any sort.

I agree so much with having to see that our mental health be treated as a medical emergency. I was lucky in that I did get suicidal counselling at BD and it was free but to be honest I'm not sure how much help it was. My second IC helped so much more. As Barbie said - a 4 car pile up - while we continue to work, parent, clean house. While I was trying to do this my H reported me for not being a good Mother.

PTSD will definitely have had a life altering effect on us Treasur. How could it not? What we have endured here was as you say a terrible act of abuse with longstanding consequences. It took me a long time to see and accept my H as being abusive, everything was so confusing for so long. I too often think of my old life as not having happened/being so far away now but I do think that getting to a level of acceptance and seeing the vile horror for what it is has really helped.

Keep collecting the bricks that fit into your wall. I really like reading your posts and insight, you have a lovely way with words. I just wanted to say that I have often felt as you have described. Once lockdown is lifted there I hope that your life opens up again in wonderful ways. Wishing you all of the good things, take care of yourself and Grace. PG xxx     

     

       

[Treasur]

Read this article this morning https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2021/mar/08/recovering-illness-home-well-unwell-cancer-covid

Seems to me that it reflects the reality of how recovery from something life-altering actually works, whether that is a serious illness, a close bereavement, someone else's MLC or indeed a global pandemic. 

And it is imho such a useful reminder that, in truth, we simply can't go back bc we are changed by the experience. But....much as we doubt it in the darkest days, and I know I did lol....there is something else worth having and building on the other side. And that as the article says 'Recovery is discovery'. Some of you reading this may think you won't get there, but you will. It just takes longer than we imagine or feel it 'should', right? But beating ourselves up about that rarely seems to make it go any quicker in my experience.....

And, in a piece of good news, I have an appointment for my first jab on Friday. My uncle and my mother should have their second jab in the next few weeks and I am positively giddy about the idea of being able, in some fashion, to see them both next month. My uncle has just sent me a gift (with a not so secret agenda ha ha) of new jam jars....bc he has eaten all the marmalade I made for him! So, I shall swing by the little greengrocers in the market place this afternoon to see what kinds of yummy citrus fruit they have in stock! Next month I hope to see my mother with a birthday cake and my uncle with a big basket of marmalade jars.....

[Nas]

So glad to hear you're getting your first dose this week, Treasur.

Thanks for sharing that article.  Very interesting to read and resonates deeply with me as I sit in a chair receiving an iron infusion.
"Surviving isn't living" - ain't that the truth. 

[Seahorse]

Treasur:

So excited for you that you are going to be able to see your mother and uncle, eventually.
It's the light at the end of the tunnel...

Your marmalade and cake sound like wonderful things to bring two people who you love and whose presence you have missed very much.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

I rarely post on your thread, but I do like to harvest the gems that you and others place on it.

You are so right in saying that we take exhausting baby steps. Recovery to me now means peace, miles away from the chaos/cruelty and downright madness of my H. I am so happy to read that you are finding it with your new friends/allotment and Grace.

Peace is good. We already deal with so much turmoil and loss. To find comfort and serenity again is important. Home should be our refuge from a chaotic world  not be more chaos  added.

On the question of what was real - I agree with what the others have said. It was real to ME. Over the last few weeks I have been able to open boxes of old photos, look at old emails (haven't been able to do this since BD in 2016) and I am there smiling, we are there smiling, the emails read as though they are full of love and connection.

Yes, I can now look at pictures and share memories of times past. For the longest time, I didn't want to cover any of it. The loss made me want to make it all go away. The good and the bad. Now I can share my memories of my life with my daughters again. We can laugh and cherish the good times. It brings back reality and yes, like your h, my ex threw it all away.

And, in a piece of good news, I have an appointment for my first jab on Friday.

I get mine tomorrow. It will be my first step toward reclaiming my life again. It will take some time, but at least I see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Even though we had children I have also regretted marrying my H. I agree with Airmid re: immaturity. Was it real that my H loved our two children or cared about their welfare? I have no idea but he hasn't had any contact with them since 2017 so I think that immaturity won out in his role as a Father of any sort.

There have been moments where I have had the same regrets, but this is my journey and I chose to marry my ex. I ignored the warning signs. We did have many good years together, but the issues from the past; and yes, maturity was an issue.  Not intelligence, my ex is still a very creating and bright person. However, to think that life is all romance and that I should have been able to read her mind either shows immaturity or a disconnect with reality of how people really are.

I know my ex loves her children. It just happened that her own emptiness and escape was more important. Now that she is on her own and living her life, she has to some extent reconnected with my daughters and in her own way, is back to being a mother. The only thing lacking is the trust. That takes time, lots of time.

Next month I hope to see my mother with a birthday cake and my uncle with a big basket of marmalade jars.....

Well, at the end of the month, I hope to see my parents. No cake or marmalade, but I will rent a truck and haul a lot of trash away and I guess that counts for something.

Have an amazing day,

((((Ready))))

[Curiosity]

Treasur, your thread is always an important part of my still-frequent visits to the site. So many differences in the specific details of all of our stories here, and yet there are so many lessons and pieces of wisdom that are common to us all. Peace, comfort, serenity... the refuge of a safe space - we all need this, even (and maybe especially) the MLCers out there. Some of that is found in the physical places we spend our time, the people and pets and things with which we surround ourselves. But the foundation of it all is found inside us - no person, place, or thing can provide peace or comfort or safety if we aren’t able to be open to that peace/comfort/safety within ourselves.

It’s really lovely to see so many people getting their vaccines and starting to think about life after lockdown. It won’t look exactly like it used to, but I like to think we will all have gained a renewed appreciation for human interaction and exploring new places that maybe we had in some ways taken for granted. I know I will, and now that my household meets the definition of “fully vaccinated,” I am starting to think about what that life looks like for me and those around me.

[Milly]

Treasur, thanks for posting that article. Good food for thought. It helps me.

I'm so pleased you're getting your first vaccine this week and your mother and uncle are close to their second jab. I so wish for you to be able to be with them again. Of course the vision in my head of you making your marmalade and cake in your fairly tale house by the sea, with its stove and cat with a personality, and glorious smells from whatever you are brewing, is so comforting. You are a Ladybird book.

It does appear that life is giving back to you lately. You so deserve it. x

[Treasur]

You are a Ladybird book.

That made me laugh, Milly 
Showing our age though lol. Did you know that they do funny spoof ones for grown ups now? Like the Ladybird book of the Hangover 

More little stones in my wall.
There is a BBC TV programme called 'Keeping Faith'. Great story, terrific actors and beautifully filmed in Wales so worth a watch anyway. I remember seeing the first series post BD and how much it rang true, a woman whose husband just disappears and how she and others reacted as things unfold. Lots of secrets and lies and WTF. At the time, I think it felt validating to see someone portray so well just how I felt. It has a second series now so they have re-aired the first and I watched a bit last night. What was interesting was to see how different my eye was now and that I took different things from it. The main one tbh was that the problem so obviously lay in her h, how fantastic she is, how corrosive secrets are and that all of her - and my - reactions were so incredibly normal for a situation when your life just gets suddenly turned upside down.

We can beat ourselves up so for not knowing x or not doing y, can't we? But there was nothing abnormal at all in my reactions, nothing to blame myself for, nothing I could have done once my h imploded that would have made any difference at all. It was just an abnormal situation to find myself in as my life relentlessly got more and more weird. So much going on that I didn't know about....and how both me and others expected me to know somehow when it was impossible that I could. And that feeling of being so frightened for him and then slowly becoming frightened of him, or more accurately what he might do next. But my reactions, all of them, were SO normal. And that helps a few more small stones drop into place in my wall bc there is a kind of peace to be found in that.

[Songanddance]

There is a BBC TV programme called 'Keeping Faith'. Great story, terrific actors and beautifully filmed in Wales so worth a watch anyway

I remember seeing that first time around.  It was good but I had slightly different feelings from you Treasur about Faith and her reactions.  I can't remember what they were now so perhaps the re-airing will be interesting to see if I still feel the same.

Nevertheless the subject matter was good and so was most of the acting.