[MourningDove]

I was talking to a friend of mine and saying if it weren't for the MLCer showing up for the dog the other day, things might have been quiet for awhile. I have moved so much farther away from the nonsense that any interaction with the MLCer disturbs the peace. Even when life has been chaotic, etc - it is not the same as MLC chaos.

Xh's appearance doesn't rattle me in the same manner it once did. Problem is, it does rattle D and now S. I am witnessing them go through some of the same steps I had gone through. The processing and trying to learn to know what healthy boundaries are for each of them. I can't really help them, only be supportive and understanding, as they are adults. But it is difficult to witness.

I am looking forward to the end of child support, TBH. Xh can slide on his responsibilities to D's college and medical expenses. I just don't care anymore.

And, maybe more so now, I am really of the mind that I just don't want to battle him for the money. It is not worth my energy. I know that seems to some like I am afraid of him or being a doormat. That is fine for other's to have those opinions. This is my reality and I know myself. I just don't care about it and it sucks valuable energy from my own life and moving forward. It just keeps me tethered to the MLCer and at what cost?

After dealing with Xh on Friday, I know he is stuck in his weird world of MLC.

Now, is it fair or just that he is somehow getting away with not paying for D? Yes. But, I know what battles to fight. I would rather battle something that makes sense and pour my energy into more positive things. Xh, just based on Friday's interaction would mean more of the same that I had before when we were in court. He seems to want the drama and the need to be a victim. I am not giving him what he wants. I am done playing his games and I know it will cost money either way. I can pay my attorney to chase after him and to try and recoup money. I won't end up that much ahead if he were to cough up the money, but I am keenly aware he is also avoiding the IRS at this point. They will no doubt take their cut before I ever were to see any money and even if I did, it is going to just be time and energy wasted at this point. And from a mental standpoint, I want nothing to do with him.

I have said it a million times, I know - but I believe in regards to Xh - "what is the price of my peace". I know it is not how other people would approach it. I know this is what is right for me.

When I had that moment painting a couple of weeks back, I know that I would lose that if I go back into this mess with Xh. I cannot say I will never sacrifice passion again, because I don't know what life has in store for me. I do know, I will never sacrifice it for Xh again, nor will he benefit from it either. That is for me and anyone who chooses to decide I am worth being with.

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11717.150

[UrsaMajor]

Is it fair or just that he skates off? Not really BUT if the consequence is your own peace of mind and the ROI (Return On Investment) is basically nil, then it can still be the right decision. In this case, not only does it grant YOU  a bit of peace, it denies the GPWELF of something he is SO desperate to have and that is the

Xh's appearance doesn't rattle me in the same manner it once did.

Although, I have to say, an ex looking like Lord Farquaad would normally rattle most people (his "appearance" - get it? <snort>)

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor - I actually at one point ran my synopsis by my BIL, who is a CFO for a corporation. He said my calculations make sense and cutting my losses is probably wise. Who knows maybe the MLCer will leave D money in that mysterious account. IDK. I am not holding my breath and if D benefits somehow, good for her. That is the thing that makes me laugh the hardest about all of this.

Xh is about control and he hated the fact that the money that was supposed to come my way for D in particular was not something he got to dictate where it went. I get it - it has to be hard to be on the other end of things if you have an Xspouse that doesn't put the money where it is supposed to go. Like using CS to go on shopping sprees or whatever and not for the kids, but I was never that way. And, Xh is rewriting all of the divorce decree in his head or putting a spin on it. His interpretations of what he thinks should happen ultimately punish me and they punish D. On the flip side, really at the end of the day, he is only hurting himself. D has said she won't be bought and if the money does come her way, she won't turn it down, but she won't fawn all over Xh either like that just clears the tally board and wipes out some tab he has run up.

I am doing what I said I would do. I am making sure the kids have a stable home environment so they can focus on starting their own lives. Had I not had kids, I might not have stayed in the house. I might have fought Xh more - IDK. I just know that I can sleep at night knowing I am sticking to my promise to myself to keep things afloat.

It is not always pretty. I find myself embarrassed at times, considering prior to MLC, when Xh and I worked together, we had things pretty well under control and took expensive vacations and had all sorts of material things. It isn't the material things or lavish vacations I miss at all. It is the security I miss. I have never been materialistic or motivated by money. I enjoyed the wealth, I am not going to lie, but I don't miss it per se, except when the emergencies roll in and I have to dive into my savings or figure a way out of the situation. And, I can't just go out and buy things I need when I feel like it. I have had to go back to budgeting like I did when I was first married.

When I find that I am beating myself up, I stop and remind myself what I have accomplished.

In part, the whole mess with the screw in the heat line and the damage that occurred, followed by the surgery, followed but the septic, etc have been a lot to navigate. I am not entirely sure how I have managed beyond a whole lot of laughing and acceptance. I suppose it is why the toilet being back in working order is such a big deal for me right now. It sounds so incredibly basic and who should be excited about that, but I really think it is why the battle with Xh is not worth it to me. I would rather pour my energy into my own life than to put anymore of that energy towards him in any way.

And, I remind myself that any energy I throw Xh's way, takes away from my kids or anyone else I care about. And, I am not about to trade that for chasing after money I may never see anyways.

Of course, I am not getting rid of my evidence box. Xh may piss me off enough for me to strike back or maybe OW - IDK. It is there for my protection only. Beyond that, it can collect dust in the back of the closet for all I care. I have no desire to open it and use it. I will simply think of it as if it is a grenade I can always pull the pin on if necessary. 

As for the Lord Farquaad look - it might not be as bad if he wasn't trying to cover up that his hair is thinning and he is going gray. And, if he wants to color his hair - fine. It is the highlights that throw me way off, considering his hair is almost black, and the highlights are bright golden blonde. It is not somehow blending away grays. His stylist needs to be slapped - LOL. I am sorry, but a man that is trying to rock a comb-over type of style is not sexy. Nope. Cannot convince me of that at all. I have no opposition to long hair, short hair or bald. Comb-over, I draw the line there.

I sound so shallow - LOL. Maybe I would have grown to love it if the Xh weren't deep in MLC and still a monster. 

[UrsaMajor]

I sound so shallow - LOL. Maybe I would have grown to love it if the Xh weren't deep in MLC and still a monster. 

^

If GPWELF didn't have his head shoved so far up his .... fog... he wouldn't HAVE the "Lord Farquaad with highlights" haircut in the first place!

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor - you make a valid point. LOL

It was incredibly hot today and I was so grateful to be working at the gallery during the hottest point of the day. I spent hours focused on fine-tuning the new inventory system. While I am not a fan of paperwork, I do like solving problems and making things work properly.

D was off with her BF for the afternoon, as he had gone through his graduation ceremony and then had a game to coach. D gladly went along to keep the books again and the head coach commented how grateful he was that she was there. She has caught on quickly and is very good noting plays. The other day he was especially glad she was there when their scoreboard went down and things needed to be tabulated manually.

Next week, D is off to a tournament all weekend with BF and his family. I am not sure what S is going to be doing, but I am going to try and at least sneak away for some day trips. I need the break from it all.

They had called to let me know that the dog's ashes are ready to be picked up. I have been missing the sound of her barking and hearing her nails on the floors in the morning. It is very odd not to have her here now.

When I came home, S was all smiles. He had met the head technician. Everyone had warned him that the man is a harda$$. He is known as the "old guy" in the shop. I happen to know who it is, but didn't let on as S relayed that he broke the ice rather unintentionally and asked the guy about a picture of an antique tractor. They had quite the conversation it would seem and S was asked to assist on a project with the tech. The younger techs joked with S, but in typical form, S rolled with it. He has learned that usually the "old guys" are just not there to fool around. S said the tech started quizzing him about the machine they were working on and S answered every question accurately and it made the tech stop and ask S about his family. He wanted to know if S's parents were mechanics, etc. S laughed and said that no, but we never discouraged his interests. As the conversation progressed, the tech asked S a question which opened up that it would seem the tech remembered my sister and he admitted he had a huge crush on her when they were in high school. It was then I told S that this guy was my cousin's best friend growing up and yes, he is a hard-working guy who takes pride in his work. S smiled and started laughing when I said that "old guy" is younger than I am. LOL. S was quick to backpedal and explain that this is coming from the newly minted 20 year olds.

S's GF was showing me the baby bunny that she has had for a week. The mother and siblings had been killed last week and she rescued this one and has been caring for it. She has been able to get it to eat from a bottle and had researched with the help of the vet, how to care for a wild bunny. It is not an easy task. She was so proud of herself and I know that she is now on the right career path.

This opened a discussion about GF's career path and her long term goals. She mentioned she was discouraged because she had made some decisions a few years ago that have created a financial mess of sorts. She wants to get on the right track and S piped up that Xh had offered to help her out. I was ready to ask WTF that meant and then S said Xh thinks she should claim bankruptcy, and blah, blah, blah. I was glad I had my back to them at the time as I was washing some dishes, because my facial expression would have given me away. I wanted to laugh at first, but I was careful.

I know S and his GF are talking about a future together. His GF is a couple of years older and they aren't in a rush, but it is pretty apparent that they are in it for the long haul. S has learned from his financial hiccups from when he was younger and he knows that his GF has to get a handle on her side of things and they need to work together. So, it would seem Xh has offered to help GF figure out where her money goes.

Now so much of this is beyond amusing at the moment. I am sorry - this is coming from the MLCer version of Xh who not only ripped through money and nearly left us destitute, but is still not operating in a responsible manner from what I can tell.

Not only that, I know Xh in MLC land. He is not kind nor is he easy to work with in any financial conversation. He would be judgmental and share with others what GF spends on. She is a kind young woman and does not deserve that type of "help". And I didn't offer to help her either, as that might seem like I was trying to win a battle.

I laughed because it would be a good project for my M, as she is really good with finances and has managed my F's business, as well as other accounts for different organizations over the years. My M loves a financial challenge. But, I thought better of that as well.

I chose my words carefully. I told S and GF that I felt it was a bad idea for her to work with Xh or even myself. I suggested that she work with a counseling service for credit and I could call my BIL, the CFO or my accountant and get a reputable company to help her out. S asked why and I said that makes it much more neutral and won't cause issues. I also pointed out that bankruptcy should not be a go to considering if they are looking at getting married some day, starting out with that against her makes it potentially more complex. S agreed and said that she should at least get professional advice and maybe she could get some help first.

S and GF went out for ice cream and I called my sister. BIL was in the background. I ran the scenario and my BIL, who is not one to voice an opinion without careful thought, was very quick to react with a "oh, hell no" when he heard Xh offered his financial advice.

When S came home I mentioned I had spoken with BIL about a credit counseling service recommendation and said BIL told me that was the best approach for GF. S, knowing my BIL is no slouch with finances and that is his area of expertise, said he thinks GF should go that route.

I shouldn't be somehow shocked that the MLCer thinks he is the person who should be giving financial advice. I sort of laughed recalling how much money he wasted during the divorce alone and how he tried to hide money. The crazy schemes to hide money or convince himself that he was investing when he was spending all of our savings. Of course, I was stupid and just convinced myself he needed it and I was so distraught and trying to save the marriage that I let it happen- I was not blameless in that respect.

The MLCer giving financial advice. LOL. Maybe in a scenario of "this is what not to do". LOL

[Treasur]

The MLCer giving financial advice. LOL. Maybe in a scenario of "this is what not to do". LO

Dear god....what next? Setting up as a marriage therapist? Or a hair style advisor? 

[MourningDove]

Treasur -

Dear god....what next? Setting up as a marriage therapist? Or a hair style advisor? 

The sad thing is, I think the MLCer would actually believe that about himself as well in his current "warped state". If for no other reason I can see the MLCer doing just that because FIL believed he was the epitome of wise advice for marriage. It used to upset my Xh when FIL would give marital advice because it was never how maybe FIL took any blame for the downfall of his first and second marriages, it was always about how he did things right. Xh used to tell me later that my parents and grandparents were who he looked to for how to make marriages work, not FIL.

The kids and I laugh all the time whenever I make cornbread. FIL one time was sitting at the kitchen bar as I was baking and he stopped me and asked if I was putting sugar in the cornbread. I follow different recipes, and I can't really recall which one I was using that time because it was FIL's next comment that I clearly remember and the kids were sitting at the kitchen table during the interaction. FIL told me he could never "train" his second W to make it without sugar, because that is the way he liked it. The kids now recall my reaction and always laugh. I had said to FIL that maybe he should have realized his error in trying to "train" his W like a dog or perhaps learned how to make cornbread himself.

To this day, the kids will laugh and say how many times I walked away and bit my tongue when it came to FIL. It was usually because I just knew that was him and I wasn't going to ruin my day with his BS. But he really must have really gotten me aggravated by then. So, of course anytime I make cornbread now, the kids will change their voices and go into how they need to train me to make cornbread the way they like it. Funny now, not so funny back then.

And, I hate to say it, but Xh has in fact taken over parts of his F's personality and I don' think this is just a case of him becoming like his F in the sense that society likes to label it. This goes beyond that because it was such a radical change in him and counter to who he was. Xh was more like the BIL who I still speak to and they are very similar. BIL sees it too with the MLCer and it is as if Xh is trying to somehow work through some weird FOO issue regarding his F by becoming like him. It is so incredibly bizarre.

Last week, there were little bits of Xh that emerged that seemed like who he was before all of this. Luckily, it is not as confusing to me or at least didn't lasso me back in to somehow think he is making some miraculous turnaround. Maybe I am just too far away from it now and too much has happened, IDK, but I do know that it was like watching him suppress those parts of him and he would fall into the other persona that was more reminiscent of FIL.

I used to wonder when all of this MLC garbage really took hold what if Xh had gotten help? What if these people who Xh needed to work things out with hadn't died and things could have been mended? I sometimes might have a fleeting thought about that, but it is no longer obsessive like it was around BD. Now, those thoughts only occur when I encounter Xh and see how incredibly screwed up he still is. Otherwise, I really don't think about it much at all. For one, what if's that are based in what has already happened and can't be undone really don't help in any way that I can see. Now, I just watch as my Xh is on a mission to recreate his own relationship with his F through the kids. I can't change that either, but I can continue to try to be true to my own character. I can also use my MIL, before she got her act together and started to make amends, as an example of what not to do in this dynamic.

My sister mentioned that what would be my anniversary is coming up and if I am okay. I laughed and said TBH, I only realized that because there is an annual event that always coincided with our anniversary that Xh went to with my blessing. It was a once a year event that he used to attend with my F - an antique car show. I just saw a sign for it yesterday and how they are having it this year.

I think I shocked XH on our first anniversary when I told him to go and enjoy himself and we could make plans another night if need be to celebrate. If I recall though, I made a romantic dinner for Xh when he got home. It was never a case of dismissing our anniversary, because it was a special date at the time, but I have never felt the need to put pressure on things having to fit a specific day. He had acknowledged our anniversary for years as did I, we just realized that trying to for instance go out on a date night once we had kids might take a bit more navigating with babysitters and the like on the actual date.

Some people thought that was such an odd thing and I know it shocked some, but it worked for us for many years. Once FIL moved in the anniversaries came with little more than a card or my favorite phrase - not - "wow, you made it another year". And that was from Xh. He was well on his way into the crisis by then.

Strangely, he could go the other extreme and I still don't know entirely if it was genuine, guilt or some combination of things once the crisis crept in. Xh would take me out to dinner and wine and dine me. He would take me on a weekend away and it was like we were completely back on track. This was just as the EA was starting is my best estimate. Pre MLC Xh was notorious for buying me custom made, handmade pieces of jewelry on a whim or when we were on vacation he would find something he wanted me to have. I laughed not too long ago when I realized the last trip we took together he wanted to buy me a necklace at an art gallery. He had already bought one for me when we had gone to a wedding out of town that I simply said was pretty. I had no intention of buying it. He went out and brought it back for me. That was a pre MLC Xh move, so when we were on this other trip, I told him it was not necessary. Now I am sort of regretting it, only in that I know what it cost and I should have let him get it for me considering it would be later that I found the receipts for al of the hotels and dinners for OW.  But, I am not that person - I am not that materialistic.

Just now, I realized something and maybe this is coincidence, but IDK. MIL gave me a ring when I got married that was given to her for her 25th wedding anniversary from FIL. It would be a month later that he ran off with OW1 and started the divorce. She told me at the time that she wanted me to have it as a wedding gift. I always felt odd about it. The strange thing is, right before BD #1 and having been together about 25 years at that time, Xh had a custom made necklace designed by a jeweler he met through a client. Her work was in several art magazines and he took me to her studio as a surprise. X-BIL happened to be visiting and went with us and I thought we were just on a tour, when X-BIL informed me that Xh had been working on this for months. It was a lovely piece and I do still wear it and not because of some connection to Xh. It is just a beautiful piece of jewelry.

It would be a month later that BD#1 came. 

Oh well - LOL. Doesn't change what happened. Certainly, doesn't change my feelings now. Just one of those "huh" moments.

[MourningDove]

I have had a couple of nights of dreams with Xh starring in them and they are just annoying. They are not memorable dreams nor are they troublesome or at all titillating. It is like being asleep and hearing a mosquito buzz by your ear type of dream. I know why he is in my dreams right now and it is because he disrupted my routine. And, it is the recent request via S that got my dander up.

In reality, it is the fact that S was told by Xh that he would like some of the dog's ashes. D is not happy about this at all for a variety of reasons. I told both kids I was not going to have the discussion right now, as I haven't even picked up the box yet. I am not sure what I am going to do, TBH.

I spent the weekend working on the house and was invited by D's BF to go to dinner with his family to celebrate the end of the school year. I was really not wanting to go at all, as I had a good rhythm going with the projects. BF had brought me flowers earlier in the day and thanked me for being in his corner, so then I felt I should accept the dinner invite when it was presented. I knew it was important to D and her BF that I was there. It was a nice evening, and it felt to be out.

When I came home, S was home and his friends had come over to help plant the garden that they had mapped out. All 5 of them worked together and then spent the remainder of the evening having a cookout and sitting around the fire pit.  I was mildly annoyed I couldn't just go out and sit on the back deck to relax in peace and quiet. Don't get me wrong, they were very well behaved and having a good time. They invited me to join them, but I have to admit, I didn't really want to be around a bunch of 20 somethings all evening. I know I should be grateful they are a good crew. I think part of it was I was a 5th wheel at dinner and came home and felt mildly out of place even though I get along with all of S's friends. I just didn't want to be a "mom" in that moment.

I talked to a friend of mine who was telling me about her weekend. We got on a conversation about relationships after being a LBS. It started because she mentioned one of her friends is happily single now and doesn't want any relationship at all with another man. She said she no longer has to be physical with a man and that makes her happy.

My friend and I said if that works for her, great, but that is neither of us.

Of course we have friends that are stuck and fear relationships all together, yet they are not comfortable being single. Or the friend of mine who has been in two relationships but purposely blew both of them up right when she was really happy and things seemed good. I am convinced it is out of a fear that she breaks up with these men before they do because she fears they might leave her.

On my side of things, I have a friend who is happy being single, but prefers casual companionship with no real commitment. She says it works for her. IDK.

The friend I was having the conversation with dated for awhile and was content with that at first. Then she met a man that I now like to kid her about. I could see it unfolding and kept telling her she was falling in love and the man was just head over heels for her. They had some hiccups along the way, but it's been 2 years now and it's a solid thing.

We laughed about all of the tears along the way and not because it was funny. She was joking that she would call me and I would talk her off the ledge, but I never blew sunshine up her backside. She knows I am not that friend. I just could see that this man was a good man and knew he had stumbled upon a woman that is worth cherishing. It has blossomed so much that she admitted the idea of him moving in some day didn't scare her, which made me laugh a little considering months ago had I suggested that is where things were headed she would have been angry with me or thought I was kidding her.

I am happy for her, but it lead to her asking me what I want. I told her that I am not sure about the marriage or moving in part, because I am not in that headspace. I am not in some rush with an end goal in mind. I told her I like feeling love and being in love. I like monogamy, that I know. I like the sense of security and commitment. And the more I hear from my friend how things are going with her BF I realize that I want someone to love me back in the same manner.

All of the other scenarios could easily be me. I could jump into relationships and ditch them before it gets too serious, but that is not my nature. I could become stuck and decide I don't want to even attempt it. I am a physical person and while I am not one to run around just hooking up with anyone, I am not sure I could go without human contact in the long term. Companionship with "benefits" is an option and I know that is available, but I know the fact that it is not the love I crave, even if this person loves me on some level, it is not the same.

This whole conversation was going on as my S and his friends were sitting outside around the fire pit. S and his GF have been discussing their future together. They have been talking to me about buying houses and so on. They are in no rush, but they are asking responsible adult questions that certainly point to a future together.

At dinner the other night, D's BF's brother and his GF were there and they are getting engaged. D got all excited and mentioned to the GF about my wedding, as it is what she wants to do. She asked me a ton of questions about how I planned and about designing my own invites, etc. And, I was glad to help.

D and her BF have been discussing their long term future. They are planning on getting through school, but it's pretty clear they too seem to be headed towards getting engaged down the line.

IDK - it made me very happy for both kids, but incredibly alone at that moment. And, I miss being missed by someone, which seems really very silly when I say it.

S picked up on my very thinky mood this afternoon. It might have been that I was pulling out a support beam from the bathroom that is not structural, but was left behind from the wall that separated the bathtub and the linen closet. It wasn't really in the way, but I am of the mind that the bathroom, being gutted as it is needs to be like a clean slate and that beam no longer made sense and I figured it could not only be reused somewhere else, it was just adding weight. Truth is, I needed to just do something that required no real thoughts and only physical energy.

This weekend D had joked with S that I needed to find a man that has a boat. I shot her a look of "huh"? Then the velociraptors started a lists of what they think I need. It was funny - I admit, but part of me just sighed and wanted the conversation to end.

S and I, when we were talking today, he said that he knows he just wants someone who treats me well. I did laugh when he mentioned someone in particular and told me that he would not allow someone that was "too vanilla" though because I need a little bit of flavor in my life. I knew who he was referring to and said that was not a worry and never was an option.  And then out of S's mouth came something I have never shared with him and it made me laugh. He informs me I am an enigma and some lucky guy is going to see that I am not nearly as complicated or as confusing as some might think. As S left the room, he turned around and told I deserve better than the MLC Xh. S said he loves his F for who he was, but he is a foolish, broken man now.

[Treasur]

Someone else said on a post that, with hindsight, they realised that they went through a series of mental shifts as they recovered but sometimes they were almost unnoticeable at the time. I wonder if your reflections are part of that kind of process perhaps....a desire perhaps for life more than survival, idk.

I don’t know what you want to do about your lovely girl’s ashes. Or indeed what the kids want to do.
Maybe it’s just me but my first reaction was hell no. Your dog was part of your family, the family he left in painful chaos and uncertainty....he has no right to pick and mix through the literal ashes of what he tried to burn to the ground so long ago. Or for anyone to care much if he wants to be sentimental about what he abandoned. Adult consequences and all that.  Grrrr. But that is maybe me being rather projectingly petty  and of course, the ashes are not her.....in my head, she is in a field of alfalfa someplace else, collecting toys for repair, sneaking onto sofas and with an endless plate full of cheese and melon 

[UrsaMajor]

The MLCer giving financial advice. LOL. Maybe in a scenario of "this is what not to do". LOL

Uhmmmmmmm ... Wait a second... is this not the same GPWELF that is getting love notes from the IRS? Is THAT what he feels qualifies him to give financial advice? That, so far, he has managed to avoid the tax man? 

In what universe does THAT make any sense? 

Oh! Right!  The universe of Schmoopieland where there are unicorns that fart clouds of rainbow glitter and lots of pink cotton candy fluffy things floating around....



And Treasur already said what had come to my mind about the dog's ashes.... He has MORE than enough ashes of his own to sift through with everything that he's managed to burn to the ground without having literal ashes.. Maybe he might want to consider the ashes of his R with his daughter before he worries about the ashes of the dog... that he left too when he ran off into the tunnel