[MourningDove]

Well, if anyone needs an example of a MLCer cycling and spinning still after all of these years, look no further. I have quite the tale to tell from not even a full 24 hours.

I came home last night after working a bit later than normal. S had just gotten home and we were catching up in the driveway. I mentioned I was going to my parent's for dinner with my sister, and we were going to order take out, so if he was hungry to let me know what to order. He paused and said he had dinner with Xh. The pause was a strange reaction. S knows I have never kept either of the kids from seeing Xh and I don't make any big deal out of S's now sporadic contact with Xh - as it is their relationship, not mine. I won't say I don't get annoyed at times, but I keep those thoughts to myself when it comes to the kids, unless they want to talk about it and even then, I don't go to happily bash Xh. I try to be mindful.

The pause, it was because of what had been shared at dinner.

The timing, is significant. It is not lost on me. I have seen Xh cycle this time of year since BD. Every year before school has started for the kids there has been something, for whatever reason. I knew it had been too quiet - I am sadly jaded in that regard - I know, but maybe it is a way to prepare myself for what always seems to come and makes it easier to navigate.

So, Xh called on a whim. He has taken time off from his one client, as he has, according to him, vacation time he has acquired. Now, that seems to me in his wording that it means that it isn't a client, but an employer and the details in this case do matter.

S went on to tell me that Xh had decided to drive around the neighborhood for the day. He went so far as to stop at an art antique dealership and saw one of my F's pieces for sale and asked S to tell my F, in case my F wanted to buy it back. My F doesn't, as he told me the pricing on it and he said it is more than he wants to pay for his own work. He had a good sense of humor about it. But, S thought it was a bit odd that Xh was so concerned. I just shrugged.

S then relayed that it would seem Xh is either going to be fired or will quit - Xh's words - from this particular company. Xh wants to start another company and it is in direct competition with this company. Thing is, he signed a no compete clause. I don't know the details in his contract, but I do know that company. Pre MLC Xh would have not only thought out that contract and signing it, but would know you adhere to the parameters and maybe find a way around it, but you don't go challenging it. There usually is an expiration date on those contracts - but not always.

Now, to be fair. Xh had a really good business sense and was incredibly talented. I can't speak for his business sense now, but if it's still in MLC land with the rest of him - heaven help him. I watched him over 20 years build up his company and start a second one that was taking off. He had a knack for coming up with ideas and implementing them. His last company was a cutting edge concept that took off. Problem is, he hit MLC and FIL became his sounding board. I had been the person he came to for input for years. But FIL figuratively and in reality replaced me even before OW showed up in the picture.

The second company, Xh in MLC suddenly decided he was working too hard and had many offers to buy the company and the name. The offers would have made him a great deal of money and in his MLC mind he simply said he was not selling his idea to anyone else and instead of rethinking it - as there were some options, he shut it down almost over night. Classic MLC thought process and maneuver. It would be a few short months later he would go on to fire all but one of his long term clients and told me he was done with it all.

This "new" company idea is very telling. And, I won't say he isn't very capable of making it happen. He has the know how and the talent. It does however explain his decision to completely drop paying S's tuition and D's support, etc. He needs cash flow.

My sister noted that it is interesting that he chose to drive around this area on his "vacation". Hmmm. Yah.  She said she figures it is because he knows the truth underneath it all. That first jump into a similar venture was in part successful because I was involved not only artistically, but I was always honest with him and pragmatic when he was in overdrive. I was the one that helped hold it together, etc. He no longer has that, by his own doing. And the particular company is very telling, as it is part of the great downfall that led to MLC. That project was always a hard thing for him to forgive himself for. I never gave him grief over it, as we got screwed by a client and it nearly decimated his company. That is a long story and not worth recounting, but suffice it to say, this is him trying to no doubt somehow fix that mess - a do over.

The issue for me is it makes me have some sympathy for him, but the bigger issue is more selfish. This means that Xh is burning bridges in the very close knit network of artists and that reaches farther than just locally. My married name is not a common one in the area and I already have had situations where people ask if I am related to Xh. I can usually navigate it, but now, if I am going to go about reigniting my own professional career, I am going to have to really rethink using my married name professionally. I kept it for the kid's sake and because it is what I used for years professionally. It doesn't bother me and set me apart, but now, I have to think of myself because I cannot be somehow going into places and having Xh blow up that part of my life for me just because of a last name.

I was not upset, nor am I now, but it is just more of an annoyance TBH. I thought I was done with Xh when support ended, but I had to remind myself that it was not going to magically end with that last check. I should have known that Xh was not going to adjust well to this current change. He was going to have to figure out a way, maybe subconsciously, to keep keep that one remaining bit of attachment because he cannot stand I am not just sitting in a corner rocking back and forth and waiting for him.

Last night, I just sighed and told my sister that I am not interested in reconnecting or staying attached to him in any way. It is too much work and I don't love him anymore. I have grieved, and I wish he would let me go so I could put all of my energy where I really want to and continue to build my new life.

But the weird couldn't end there. Oh no. See, because it was this afternoon, when D went up to her room to measure the area for her dresser, when she came back down the stairs partway and called out to me. Her tone, was similar to S's last night - a pause and not sure what to think tone. She asked if I knew anything about a pillow. Hmmm. No. I walked upstairs and just stood in silence.

Now the thought any other time might be sweet. The sentiment behind it might have been well received if Xh really knew D anymore. But, it was a powder keg about to explode. Xh has not seen D in months, and the texts ended months ago as well. No call for her birthday. Support ended. And years ago, when MLC hit, Xh bought D a pillow for her birthday the year he moved out. It was a white, fake fur pillow, but it was decidedly juvenile, as in it was the type of furry pillow a 6 year old would like, not a more refined version teenagers would like. D and S nicknamed calling it sometimes "Bumble" after the abominable snowman in Rudolph or "Yeti" which is the name that stuck in the long run. D kept that pillow, but it was always hidden behind all the others. Now, a new pillow for her bed was there. And D's response was confusion.

She didn't know S had seen Xh yesterday. I had no clue there was a pillow or any gift. There was no note or text. It is a pillow with our former dogs' full body on it. Bigger than life-sized and D laughed and said it looks like something you would get at a carnival. She was laughing about it, but I know all too well, she has been struggling to grieve the dog still. We haven't pushed her and she is working through her grief slowly. But, this - even if he meant well was not the way to go. D right away laughed and said "way to read the room, dad". Yah. I said nothing other than I had no idea it was there. She mentioned that she is ticked that this is his way of suddenly trying to make peace, when it happens to just miraculously fall right after the mandated support ended. It makes her angry that there wasn't even a note or an attempt to communicate and while she understands he is struggling, he can't buy his way back in. She is ticked and hurt, but she is also just shaking it off. I didn't push to make her decide what to do. I stood there and let her process.

In the end, I don't know if she will acknowledge it. What can she possibly say to him? Thanks? IDK but it is not my decision to make and I will not criticize her approach nor will I somehow coach her. She decided to put it in storage and see how she feels down the road, although right now she said she would like to burn it like the hand sculpture Xh gave her years ago. I told her that was up to her, as it is hers to do with what she will.

I am not suffering from any triggers after this. I certainly haven't been keeping tabs on Xh and his antics on purpose. I really would rather he ride away in the sunset and leave us be. His swirling head is not fun to be part of. I like amusement park rides, but I dare say I no longer find this particular one enjoyable.

[OffRoad]

So wait, did your S put it there with no warning? That is beyond odd and not something I would have thought he would do. It's not mindful of your DS sadness about the dog, or lack of relationship with her father. (Maybe he thought it would be funny, in that crazy kind of way?)

Or did he let his father in the house while you were not home at some point? Or does your X still have a key? (which would creep me out )

[MourningDove]

OffRoad - S put it there this morning. He had left it in the back of his car yesterday and forgot about it. He assumed that Xh had texted or put a note on it. S had an early morning appointment and with my M's surgery there has been a lot going on that has really put many conversations on hold. It was an oversight. And S doesn't truly understand the dynamic with Xh and D. We don't discuss it simply because in the past Xh has twisted in knots and created discourse with D and S. D is of the mind that S will see it on his own and that seems to be the case, as is what is happening.

Xh gave the pillow to S while they were at dinner. S knows from one of the past times that I don't want Xh here in the house unless I invite him in past the driveway. As for a key, I changed all of the locks and the spare key is in a locked container with a combination that Xh would never, ever guess. I made sure of that.

I would not feel comfortable with Xh in my house now. The last time he was physically in the house, I had no idea he had come in the door and I was getting ready to go out and was half dressed. It was so odd as I felt so exposed and uncomfortable and the man had seen me that way countless times in years past, but it now felt like I should be running to cover up and it was not for his eyes at all. I am not a prude, and pretty comfortable in my own skin, but it shocked me how much it bothered me, but I suppose by then my emotions had shifted somewhere else anyways and it felt wrong to be exposing myself to some other man, even if it was my Xh. When I told a friend about it, she too is a LBS and she said she had a similar experience and now is never comfortable with her H around her at all. She said the intimacy is gone between them beyond even physical and it feels like she is with a stranger or a long lost relative.

The pillow - well that it seems D asked S if he would like it for college. S was happy to take it and D simply said that it didn't go with her decor in her room. S accepted this answer, as D is in the process of really making her room like something out of a design magazine and it doesn't fit into her scheme. He didn't ask about whether or not she responded to Xh and they went about the day. The cat, she has clearly taken a liking to having this replication of her former snuggle buddy, as she quickly curled up next to it, as she would have if it was the dog. I have no idea if she recognizes the image or it is just a new place to curl up against.

What I do know is S jokes with D, but even he has his limits as far as he will push the envelope. He would never knowingly play a joke on D if it was about the dog in particular. For one, I would not be chill, calm mom at all and he hates when D hurts. And, D is at least old enough to understand where the blame lies in the end - it is square on Xh's shoulders - he can't fix it in this manner. He has done too much damage to fix it with a pillow or even begin to make an inroad with D if this his approach. I can't and won't help him fix it. Not at this point. He lost that offer many months ago.

[UrsaMajor]

There is not a whole lot more to say about the whole "pillow incident."  GWPWELFV really IS a couple of cans short of a 6-pack, isn't he?



As for mowing the lawn...
done to the tune of "Whoops! There's the Hose! Whoops! There's the Hose...." 

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor - Where do you find these clips? LOL

S had his second dose of the vaccine and it hit him pretty hard yesterday. He commented a few moments ago, after finally waking up that he felt much better, but he cannot imagine what Covid must feel like if this was just a sample. He slept all of yesterday on and off and was officially in for the night at 7 pm last night. He looked awful yesterday, and was frustrated at first, but knew he needed to just rest and take it easy. This morning he is still a little achy and tired, but is more himself.

So in essence, it was almost as if S wasn't even here yesterday. Aside from a couple of his friends coming to check on him, the usual garage activity was non-existent and things were pretty quiet.

D, on the other hand, she was miserable on and off. It was expected after "pillow gate". She tried to shake it off and focus on college. She has plenty to prepare for with her first day back on campus tomorrow. Unfortunately, she and I just seemed to rub each other the wrong way all day long.

I had to bite my lip a couple of times so that it would not escalate. And, I won't say that some of her complaints aren't valid or at least I understood how she could feel that way. However, she and I operate very differently and I am not one to hang onto things for long. That is, I don't see the point in talking it over all the time. Express your complaint. Hopefully we can find a solution or at least vent our feelings, but then I want to move on - that is usually my approach, especially after the MLC time period. It is not to say I don't hang onto being upset or might not return to a topic, that would be a lie. But, D is very much one who wants to talk about it over and over. It is not the wrong approach, simply one that doesn't work for me most times. I had to tell her that I was not going to spend the entire day in a loop, since I was trying to actually finish a project that impacts her and would solve some of the complaints she had. I wanted at one point to snap and tell her I heard her the first 10 times she said it. I am glad I didn't voice my frustrations.

After a very long day, I walked up to my parent's house. It was nearly dark, but I needed the walk and decided to shower while I was there, even though I had one earlier in the day. I had paint all over my arms because one brand of paint has changed their formulation and this is the second container I have had that is not nearly as thick as I would like.

It would seem my M and D were on the same wavelength. My M is feeling better, but lying around has her thinking - way too much. My F rolled his eyes when she didn't greet me with a hello, but had a whole list of things she was wondering if I had done yet. I lost it. I admit it. I told her that she needed to stop with this approach. I told her I realized her intentions were genuine and she isn't trying to control me, but frankly it makes me feel as if she feels I am not capable and in fact makes me react a couple of ways, that are really not good. And, I will admit, most of this is from MLC - that is it stirs up emotions in me and insecurities.

I know that my life is a chaotic mess with all of the renovations that I hadn't planned on. I know that there are things that I have to deal with - like what is my next move for work now that the classes are not going for the college. It is a huge concern. I have money yet to keep going for awhile, but I really don't want to find myself in a financial bind. I have the gardens that I want to work on and things I need to address. I know what has to happen. It is not like I am avoiding it. In fact, I am in the process of addressing a whole lot that I just don't share with my M in particular, because she doesn't like unknowns and I have no concrete answers yet.

I explained to my M that her line of questioning in fact makes me dig my heels in and not want to do it at all. And, I know that is stupid and juvenile. I always walk back on my own stubbornness, but when I have been beat over the head with the same concerns over and over, it makes me react. I have that trait to begin with but have always kept it in check. With Xh in MLC, I did everything he asked and it was never good enough, so I know that part of this is my own subconscious fighting against that now. I recognize that it is a trigger for me. It is not something that happens every time, just when there is a repeat of the same thing over and over as if I somehow am failing.

I also know that my M has no clue what it is like. If I express it, I sound like a victim. I don't feel like a victim, but when I tell her that she has no idea what it is like to try and do it all on my own, it is frustrating. I am it. I am doing my best to keep things going and it isn't always how I want it to be. For instance, if someone were to comment on the driveway needing to be sealed this year, I know all about it. It is on my list. I don't like the way it looks, but it is far down on my list of things to address.

I explained to my M that her "help" is actually making me feel as if I am somehow a disappointment. It makes me have to work harder to remind myself what I have accomplished. Her words are not somehow saying she thinks I have failed or disappointed her, but her "reminders" make me see what I haven't accomplished and it is overwhelming.

Then out of her mouth, she shocked my F and I by saying mentioning how she didn't think I had it in me and was surprised by something else. A situation had arisen over the weekend with a document that came in the mail regarding their house and some work they had done. It requires a visit to the zoning officer. My sister had opened the mail for them and was all wound up. When she called me I quickly came up with a game plan and solution where I said I would go into the office and talk to the one officer, who I know very well and resolve it with my F in tow. I attacked the problem. That is what my M was surprised about. My F said he didn't know why that shocks her, since he is the same way. I may seem like I just float through life at times, but I don't. Those lists, they exist for me, I just move the items that need attacked based on what needs priority.

Today, my focus is on D's window seat and the cat door that goes into her room. It is not a traditional cat door. Xh installed a miniature door for the cat she had years ago and D wants it back in. It is a very elaborate archway and tunnel through the wall. It was the one thing that he did spend time on and was not crooked or crazy, but it needs some repairs since the rest of the room had to be rebuilt. Aside from upholstering the window seat, and hanging her closet doors, I am hoping this is it for that room. I am ready to just move on to other things.

[MourningDove]

I find myself in this very odd place right now. Feeling strangely guilty and as if I have done something wrong, when in reality there is nothing I have done wrong at all, or at least not anything to warrant this overwhelming feeling of shame.

I went through the day on a bit of autopilot. Not all day, but there were certainly moments. Some that made S pause and tell me he thought I should just find projects that were productive, but not involving the table saw or other potentially dangerous power tools. I conceded he was in fact right. I was making silly mistakes and my focus just wasn't there at all.

Yet, taking time to relax was not possible, as I knew sitting around was going to result in me thinking too much.

I am rather shocked at how I am feeling, TBH. BD #1 & 2, haven't gotten to me in a very long time, but tonight I found myself feeling this complete sense of being alone and defeated. It is not the affects of BD in terms of I am not somehow reliving those moments in my brain. It is that the timing of those BDs were always the first day of school.

Even the first BD, I remember clearly in that I somehow found a way to go and focus on my classes. The second BD, it was the same thing. I pushed through and had that to keep me going. And I had both kids to help with the distraction. S was signing up for a couple of college classes and D was finishing up high school. Then came full time college for both of them, so this time of year has always been hectic and chaotic. I had my own prep to do. Somehow it all fell together eventually. Covid certainly changed things and then last year I was in many ways grateful the classes didn't go, as I was not feeling well and everything seemed just out of whack. I was looking forward to getting back to normal this year. But it is far from it.

Today, as both kids were getting ready for their classes this week, I felt lost. I have been pulled in all sorts of directions this past week with my M's surgery and other responsibilities, that I have had little time for myself. I wasn't terribly upset about it, as it almost felt like a normal before the semester begins type of chaos. But once the house was empty, I found myself just feeling numb. There are no classes starting for me. I suddenly felt this complete feeling of loss.

The BD aspect just filtered in, because it is the same feeling of suddenly feeling terribly alone. There is no one to hold me and tell me it is going to be okay. The dog is gone. The kids are gone. It is just such an odd feeling at the moment.

I will somehow figure out how to push through this murky territory I am in. It is not about having an empty nest. I need the kids to move on with their lives and to grow. I don't want to keep them tethered somehow to me. I like some of my independence and the relationships with the kids are in some ways closer than we ever were. I don't need them here all the time. We spend quality time together and make efforts, so I don't fear them being gone. I just am noticing the loneliness of it all tonight.

The guilt and shame is a byproduct of the mind firetrucking that has begun. I have no reason to feel that way, but somehow I am carrying it around at this crazy hour. I am feeling like I have somehow done something to have earned this situation, and in reality it is just the world we are in at the moment and has nothing to do with anything I have somehow mucked up. It is circumstances. And like MLC and BD, maybe that is what I am feeling a little of - the same feeling of things are out of my control and seem to be spiraling and I have to step back and figure out a new plan. Neither BD was anything I could have seen or prevented, anymore than I could have somehow prevented a pandemic and enrollment not bouncing back.

I am not liking how it feels, that I know.

[UrsaMajor]

Sounds like a "perfect storm" of many things coming all together at the same time...

It also sounds a bit like a kidney stone.... It is painful but they do pass in the end...

Of course, you could always approach Mom like Santa Claus... "Making a list and checking it twice, gonna find out who's working or not.... MD's mom is coming .. to town... " <grin>

[Treasur]

Mourning, I am going to suggest that you respect how the effects of trauma work.....which is probably a reminder of what you already know but maybe we all need a reminder sometimes. As Bessel van def Kolk says, it lives in our body, under the skin until it is triggered. And when we are triggered, it feels as if the then is now even though our rational brain knows it isn’t.
Why the reminder? Bc it has absolutely nothing to do with who you are, your character or how you go about your life. Nothing. Your unconscious and your autonomic nervous system doesn’t know these things; it just feels the trauma echo. Hence the logic gap bc it isn’t about logic and tbh it’s not even about the trigger really.
Which is also why calming your system and body in the here and now is more useful as a way past it than problem solving in a different way or criticising your character.  Jmo fwiw.

[MourningDove]

Thank you, UrsaMajor and Treasur. 

I am marginally better today. Not being able to get to sleep before 2:30 am did not help me in the least.

Today, I am being kind to myself and try and find things to keep busy, but nothing that is going to require a lot of thought. I know that I am just in a fog today. I allowed myself to take a long nap this afternoon, after going with my F to resolve the zoning issue, which was an easy fix. My F is more than capable of taking care of these things but he said he was grateful I went along with him, as I asked questions he hadn't thought of asking. I have had a lot of dealings with zoning over the years with all of Xh's projects.

Yes, logic left me for a time yesterday. It was a PTSD type response that occurred. Because so many things were coming at me at once, I felt very much like BD, where life felt like it was spinning out of control. I logically knew that yesterday, but it really was the perfect storm brewing.

I am not a puddle on the floor today, nor was I last night - not like BD. It is a different feeling in that regard. I am tired though. I am worn out and feel very much like I am recovering after having been sick - that point where your body is weak and telling you to rest still, even though you feel better. Drained of energy.

I communicated with a couple of friends - fellow LBS - last night and that helped immensely. The one's BD was a similar time period as mine. Both friends assured me that they too experience this odd funk that sometimes sets in. It helped knowing that I am not the only one that has these moments, even though I have come so far from that initial BD. I haven't had an actual BD reminder that has rattled me nearly as much as this one.

I realize that Xh's behaviors recently have not helped. This pillow appearing and his timing. His travels in the area. Maybe it was all just too much right now. The weather was also eerily similar yesterday to BD, with a cool breeze and the sun streaming all day long. It simply triggered feelings that I haven't felt in some time.

I had to pause and think about when my divorce was finalized. It was 4 years ago and the copies of my documents showed up the first day of my classes at the college that year. I had laughed about it with my friend saying at least Xh was consistent. Even on that day, I didn't feel the way I did last night.

I have had a few triggers that have crept in. They have lessened and I just think because of the timing of this particular one it jarred me more. I was angry with myself for it appearing this time of year, and somehow reminding me of BD, when I have worked so hard to move past it. But, the mind and body are funny things.

Calming my system has been the order of business today. And you are right Treasur - it is a way more useful way past it, as opposed to beating myself up or trying to solve it. I have allowed myself to feel and just let it go, accepting it is just a trauma response as opposed to some misdeed that brought on these feelings.

[MourningDove]

Last night I had gone out to dinner with a friend of mine. She is always so incredibly upbeat and relaxed about life. She doesn't seem to let anything get to her at all. Even when life is rough, she accepts the kick to the gut and then picks herself up. It is not that she doesn't allow herself to feel. Yesterday, she shocked me when she said she had a day this week where she stayed inside all day and just binge watched Netflix. It is rare that she does it, but I laughed and told her I was glad to hear that she wasn't some superhuman who is able to be so positive. She has however, almost perfected how to process and how to move forward. And, she had some difficult patches in her teen years and twenties. She has dealt with them through going to an IC early on and finding healthy ways of coping. Spending time with her is always helpful in terms of she is easy to be around.

I needed that type of interaction yesterday. The week had been wearing me down with all of the responsibilities that kept creeping in. I have been pulled in a thousand different directions and at least this morning, my sister voiced it. She sees that her not being available had put more on my shoulders. It wasn't about making her feel guilty, but I will admit at least the acknowledgment was nice. I needed to not feel like I was just somehow in a loop of self-pity and oversensitive. My sister talking to me made me realize I had a valid reason to feel worn out and it was okay to be a bit cranky about not being able to do anything in my own house to move forward. I was frustrated, yet, I also was trying to balance being patient and knew I was needed.

Yesterday, my M was given the okay to do more, so that helped immensely. I only had to go and check on her at midday today, when my F had an appointment.

I did laugh when a conversation my friend and I had last night sort of came full circle. It was about how one can plan all we want but sometimes the universe has other plans. The plumber came today to look at the heat run I want moved. It is not going to be cheap, but it will be less than what the heating company will charge me. My friend's H, who was going to help S has just been too busy and I can't put this on his shoulders right now. His business picked back up and he is working non-stop. I know he would help me out, but I am not about to put that type of pressure on him. I have accepted that this will cost money and it isn't an inexpensive endeavor. Fortunately, I know where I can make up the difference in my own renovation budget to make it feasible. When he said he couldn't do it for awhile, I said it was fine, as I know that is how things are.

I think what I found a bit amusing was I have waited months for this all to come about and then it is now just going to come at me a little quicker than I was originally planning. He had figured it would be at least a month before he would be able to fit the job in. When he came back with the estimate in hand, he said there had been a cancellation while he was on the phone with the office to schedule my original time and was I interested in moving it up. I now have 10 days to get the bathroom prepped for that move. S is back at school, so that is where I will have to think out my plan of attack. I need S around for some basic electrical and to help me hang the wallboard. The rest, I can do without his help. I will also have to find out about what window will be going in and get that at least ordered. I could have pushed it out to the original date, but laughed saying to myself - "you are clearly insane". Then again, what else do I really have to do  Oh wait, I know - plenty of other things. LOL.

Maybe this is what I need. I work well under pressure and maybe it will honestly re-ignite that spark in me to figure the other things out that need to happen.

My friend did make me promise though to make time to do something for myself each day. That is a walk or paint or something to decompress. I have not been doing my "homework" regularly and taking that time - or at least not the proper type of decompression time. I have found myself in front of the TV at night, which is so unusual for me. It is okay from time to time, but I know for myself, it isn't good for me in the long run.

Tonight, I will take time to just sit out on the back deck. Last night when I came home, I noticed the sky was incredibly clear and the night sky was this beautiful shade of dark violet blue with twinkling stars. There was enough of a breeze and a chill that the mosquitoes were not out. I should have grabbed a blanket and stretched out on the hammock or lit a fire in the fire pit. Instead, I came inside and did nothing. Maybe I will luck out tonight and the evening will be just as pleasant so that I get a do-over.