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Author Topic: My Story Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 7

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My Story Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 7
#40: September 11, 2021, 11:21:55 AM
I have my fingers crossed right now. S's tuition bill came through yesterday with the remaining balance. S has taken out loans, and has paid some of the tuition over the past few years from his savings. Yet, there is the portion I said I would make sure was covered no matter what. Oh sure, Xh was supposed to pay for part of that as well, but I know that would require the fight he wants me to have. It is not worth my sanity. So, I opened the email statement sent out and was scratching my head. It was far less than it should be. I had a moment of thinking perhaps I had misjudged Xh and he was at least changing his mind. Yah - that was a short lived moment.  ::)

S came in from his errands. Among them, he had gone to the bank and successfully was able to convert his car loan I cosigned for. I have never worried about S and payments, as he has never missed a single payment on any bill, including his first truck loan back when he was 19. This transfer to being the sole signature on the loan now was suggested by the bank manager who said S has such good credit, he could now get an even better percentage rate due to a promotion the bank was having. It will be good for both S and I, in that he is building really good credit and it takes this loan off of my credit report completely.

When S came in, I asked him about the mysterious change in tuition. It would seem that amount is also wrong and S may be getting a refund. The summer internship required him to fill out a form for additional financial aid and there is residual left from that the financial aid office said could carry over onto the fall bill. Even if that is not the case, the new amount is a huge relief for me and for S. It no longer means coming up with a considerable chunk of money and is less than $500 after his scholarships kicked in. S sort of laughed and said I told him things would somehow work out or we would figure things out.

D was exhausted from the week and I had decided to take on the task of washing the dog's toys. D had me pack them away for the next dog, but I knew she is still really struggling some days with the dog being gone. I figured while she was at school, I would take them out of the bag and sort through them. I washed some and tossed others. I had most of them put away, but there were a couple still out on the back deck, drying in the sunshine. D took one look and burst into tears. She had a good cry and maybe it was what she needed. I am just grateful she doesn't keep it all bottled up like Xh. I felt so incredibly bad though.

Both kids ended up going out for the evening. I was left alone to work on the one thing I have avoided in D's room. That final task of rectifying the one tiny wall of the exterior of the closet that Xh had mucked up. I was able to pry the one edge of wallboard after finding all of the drywall screws and shimmed the wall out. I was quite pleased with myself and D was shocked this morning to see that the wall now is straight and there was very little damage to repair to the drywall itself.

After I made up my mind to deal with that wall, I took advantage of the solitude. I would have gone outside, but the mosquitos were making up for their absence the night before. So, I opted for curling up on the couch and reading a book while I enjoyed a small glass wine.

I have spent my day checking in on my M a couple of times and then made my way out to the studio, where my F has been working on his latest project. I had to laugh because my M commented she wished my F would have chosen to do a drawing instead of working out in the studio, because he seems so worn out. I told her he is tired, but I haven't seen him this fired up in quite some time. He is loving the challenge and frankly, yesterday, a couple of his former colleagues came to take him to lunch and I noticed that my F looks easily 20 years younger than his friends. The work keeps my F young. Oh, sure he spits and sputters sometimes when things don't go the way they should, but he sits and sketches and thinks it out. Besides, as I pointed out to my M, it has kept his mind off of his B, who is not in good health. That has been making my F very depressed to see his younger B suffering.

I hope to go tomorrow to pick up supplies to start on the walls of the bathroom this week. I am so anxious to get to a point where I can crawl into a warm bubble bath after working all day and relax instead of having to go to my parent's house to shower. With the kids back at school, at least I will have more time to work on that room without worrying about the traffic in and out of the house.

Little bits of progress keep me from going completely bonkers.  ::)
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 7
#41: September 12, 2021, 10:18:23 AM
A friend of mine was talking to me about this whole return of Steve from "Blue's Clues" and how he just reappeared after being gone for years. She said it was rubbing her the wrong way and she wasn't sure why. She too is a LBS although her H is a clinger - he hasn't totally disappeared, but he certainly hasn't been a spouse for years and she has moved on. I sort of chuckled and said well, the abrupt disappearance of the character of Steve is a bit like a MLCer, who simply came off as "hey, I am outa here and going out to discover life. See ya". And the return many years later - well, that is even more comical in the sense that MLCers might pop up years later and simply say - "hey, I am back. What did I miss"?

Now, don't get me wrong - it is a TV show and my kids were huge fans of "Blue's Clues". I have no beef with Steve or anyone else on that show. It just made me sort of laugh when my friend said she is really annoyed with the way this was handled. It has made me think about how at one point she and I both would have sold our souls for our MLCers to return and probably would have accepted a simple "hey, I am back" response. It would not have been a healthy or good thing if that had happened and that was the mindset. I know from experience that accepting the broken MLCer back after BD#1 and deluding myself during a time when I was very broken myself from the shock and pain of the MLCer's actions resulted in a more excruciating BD#2. I think it made me realize how important that mirror work is during all of this.

It is not about standing or not. It is about being able to be secure enough in your own skin to be able to make solid decisions that are done that are not reactive.

It took me a long time to accept certain things and to let go of some of the feelings I once had. For one, the OP may be conniving and have their sites set on a MLCer. My Xh's OW was very much a person that would fall into the category of she wanted something and would stop at nothing to get it. But, make no mistake - she did not feed Xh some magic potion or hypnotize him. I do not call her names, even if I have no desire to spend time with her or to somehow give her some blanket forgiveness. I simply accepted that Xh made choices as well. He chose OW. He chose to break vows and leave. That is on him. He played a part. It is not all the OP's fault.

I wanted to blame her at one point, because it was an easier pill to swallow. The truth is, once I accepted that it was a "it takes two" scenario and let go of blaming OW, I found more peace. I no longer feel the rage towards the OW. I don't really care whether or not Xh is with her or not. That is their choice. It has had consequences.

Xh, if he were to come back like Steve on "Blue's Clues" now - I think it would upset me. It would be dismissive of any MLCer to show up and pretend it could be swept under the rug. I don't want apologies or explanations. I don't want to punish Xh. I am at the point where I would like to be left alone and allowed to move on with someone else.

It took time and patience to get to this point. Now, I can laugh at so much more. Even the once painful stuff.
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 7
#42: September 13, 2021, 02:05:08 AM
GOOD news about Mom being given "permission" to do more things. That will help in several ways...
First, you won't have to ride herd on her the whole time, and second, she'll have less time to think of stuff that you need to do or to worry about your future...  ;) <snort!>

Also good news about S's Financial Aid. Every dime helps when you have 2 in college and having him get some extra financial aid, is a blessing.

There are lots of stories here about AD's, Toxic Friends, Enablers, etc. and many of them hold those people responsible for the actions of the Mid-Lifer but you rightly pointed out, it takes 2. NONE of those "external parties" were holding a gun to the head of the Mid-Lifer and telling them that they must now stick their heads up their collective ... fog... do run off helter-skelter into the tunnel. THAT is 100% the choice and decision and action of the Mid-Lifer... NO ONE ELSE bears that responsibility nor is anyone else responsible for the results/consequences.  The MLC'er CHOSE to do what they did. They are NOT criminally insane, the DO know "right" from "wrong." They just choose the "wrong" because they get a kick out of it, they get their shot of "happy," their endorphin rush and that rush was the most important thing in the world to them.

Finally (but not least), regarding that small glass of wine...

Cheers!
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Me - 59, xW - 51
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 15, D - 12
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 7
#43: September 13, 2021, 12:04:40 PM
UrsaMajor - LOL. I won't say there aren't some days that a glass of wine that big isn't tempting.  ;) I do have to say though, that if I need that big of a glass, then perhaps just a straw in the bottle would do the job. Or maybe boxed wine as an adult juice box.  ::)

I am still waiting on the final number from financial aid at this point. Even if it turns out that we still owe this residual it is a blessing compared to the original numbers. Having both in college at the same time and no help from Xh and having to reconfigure my budget was making me terribly stressed out.

Life is very funny though. I had told my M that I was trying to figure out my employment situation and to trust me. The reality is something I haven't really run by anyone. I have no problem working a job that just pays the bills. It isn't a matter of pride for me. But, I have been thinking about what I want. My coordinator believes the spring semester is going to see an even bigger increase in enrollment and things may start to level out. It is a gamble, I admit, but my position there has been a very good situation for me and I think it might be worth the risk to at least wait until things stabilize a bit. And, I have been really thinking about my current situation and what I want. I have spent so many years working around Xh's business and the kids, etc that I haven't really focused on some of my own dreams.

So where does that lead me?

I have a fortunate situation in that I own the house outright. Oh, sure - Xh obliterated our financials and left me in dire straits. I let him get away with that and I shall forgive myself because I was operating under a sense of shock and my judgement was certainly clouded at the time. And, I have to forgive myself. I spent too much time beating myself up over what I allowed happen. It hasn't been pretty rebuilding and getting out of debt. I am not where I would like to be and the pandemic, my surgery and the disaster at the house all derailed things again. Yet, I keep reminding myself that I have maintained things. I had savings to draw on. I will just have to keep working on rebuilding and reconfiguring.

The thing is, I realize that I also want other things. I know my personality. I don't care about money. I like it and it takes pressure off, but I no longer care about luxury cars and black tie events or fancy resorts. I never really did. I enjoyed them, but I don't crave them. I have my own things I am a bit of a snob about and won't sacrifice, but they are not outrageous items.

I also came to the realization that I really want to try and pursue my artwork again. Not necessarily heavily client based commissions, but they factor in there. I don't want to go full tilt freelance work. That has never been a good thing for me in that it creates a lumpy income, which I truly hated from the beginning. So, it made me think about my life pre-marriage and when I was "on my own". At that time, I was building a freelance base and showing at galleries, but I took on a part time job to cover my bills, and still stowed away plenty into my savings.

It sounds a bit ridiculous if I say it this way, but I am looking at things right now, at least in the short term as if I just graduated college in terms of what I want. That is, I am essentially kid-free, in that both kids are in the final leg of their bachelor's degrees. D will take time off and while they both may live at home for awhile after they graduate, they are not needing my constant help or attention. I will be a semi-empty nester at the very least.

I have a house that really doesn't cost me all that much - that is once I am over this renovating hump. My bills are less than rent would be, even with the yearly taxes. Owning has pitfalls, but it also has advantages right now. It makes no sense to up and move yet. It is not beyond the realm of possibility down the road, but I am not going to consider that at this point. I have it pretty good at the moment.

So, that has made me think some. What do I want and what are the realities I have facing me?

Like it or not, I am not going to love draining my savings and having nothing left. I like that security of a buffer if I can. It may not be possible, but I would like to avoid that completely. I need a job that can at least cover the expenses.

I want to work on my creative side and I do want to be able to get back to nurturing my soul. So, I don't want to go back to anywhere that sucks my soul dry. I had one of my former employers contact me about returning as my former boss retired. That job, I had when I was going through the divorce. It was a negative environment and I know from talking to my one friend who still works there and is essentially trapped there at the moment due to her circumstances. She told me that I would not be coming back to any new great changes. It was never my boss I had an issue with, but the toxic work environment set up by the owners. So, that is not even a consideration for me.

I know that one of the realities I am currently facing is that my parents are getting older. For now, unless something changes, they want to stay in their house and they are more than capable of that. As much as I grumble, I also remember being so grateful to have my grandparents nearby and caring for them with my parents over the years. It wasn't a burden and my parents aren't either. They are very self sufficient, but little things like yesterday, they needed the septic tank uncovered. My F was having a hard time shoveling and S ran up to help. I was there today helping my M for a little bit. It isn't usually a daily thing with my parents. My sister is often oblivious because she isn't nearby and my M babies her. I have decided that I just need to ask for my sister's help more and I am okay with being the primary person who looks in on them for now. I will just grumble from time to time. In general they do leave me to my own devices most times.

I know that I want to travel again. Short trips. Longer trips. IDK.

None of these thoughts are MLC-like in that I am not looking to up and just take off. I know I have responsibilities. But, I realized today that I need to go back to that after-college model of employment for at least a bit. That situation allowed me serious flexibility. I travelled a whole lot for about 3 years after college and still worked.

IDK - it seemed rather silly at first. Then the phone rang an hour ago. I laughed when I got off the phone. It was the local high school where my kids had attended. There is a new woman working in the administrative offices. She said my name came up in conversation in the office when one of the teachers mentioned they wondered if I was still subbing. I had covered for that particular teacher countless times over the years while my kids were in school and I had a rotation of teachers who would specifically request me. It isn't going to make me rich, that is for sure, but they are desperate for subs at the moment. And, it turned out that the person needing a sub next week happens to be the art teacher. So, I agreed to go back and take that on. I know with the new requirements with masks, etc it will be an adjustment, but I found myself mildly relieved. I have at least a little money coming in and I know that subbing can be an almost guaranteed daily thing with just this school. It is not perfect, but it is something to give me time to at least be able to finish up the construction on the bathroom and such with maybe some time for myself to really figure things out.

It has bothered me at times that somehow I should be able to just focus on rebuilding my career, but I have to remind myself that not only did Xh blow up life, that it is okay for me to feel like life has really kicked the crap out of me on several levels. I am doing the best that I can and it is okay if I allow myself this little bit of down time to really regroup. I know from an outside perspective because I haven't really worked a full time job in nearly a year and a half with all that has gone on, that I have been on some vacation. But, it hasn't been like that at all for me. And, I keep telling myself that it is okay for me to give myself time to just be for a bit and put more focus on my own needs. That is a hard thing for me to allow myself, especially since it is what the MLCer did. But, I keep reminding myself it isn't the same thing.
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 7
#44: September 14, 2021, 05:17:14 AM
It IS kind of ironic that things fall into place just at the right moment sometimes, isn't it?  The whole Substitute thing does seem like a blessing from the Universe that got dropped in your lap. I remember how enthusiastic you were with some of the classes you were teaching with the kids where you felt you were able to reach one or the other and really make a difference.... Good for you!

Did you mean like this with the wine?
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Me - 59, xW - 51
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 15, D - 12
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019
Moved on in life

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 7
#45: September 14, 2021, 10:35:50 AM
UrsaMajor - Ironic is a good word for it. Hopefully, it is a blessing from the universe and not the universe jerking me around - LOL

That is definitely an adult juice box. I see the flaw in her plan though - that straw will never reach all of the wine - LOL. And, if I am going that route, I am going all out and getting one of those swirly, silly straws my kids used to love - the ones that loop around and around before it ever reaches your mouth.  ::)
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 7
#46: September 15, 2021, 02:44:28 AM
UrsaMajor - Ironic is a good word for it. Hopefully, it is a blessing from the universe and not the universe jerking me around - LOL

That is definitely an adult juice box. I see the flaw in her plan though - that straw will never reach all of the wine - LOL. And, if I am going that route, I am going all out and getting one of those swirly, silly straws my kids used to love - the ones that loop around and around before it ever reaches your mouth.  ::)

Oh yeah... Crazy Straws....

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Me - 59, xW - 51
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 15, D - 12
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019
Moved on in life

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 7
#47: September 15, 2021, 08:36:33 AM
UrsaMajor - you know, I think a Crazy straw would work for wine or certain cocktails. I am not sure I could get myself to use it with say a glass of Grand Marnier. That just seems wrong. LOL

Yesterday had been one of those days where I just could not find the right rhythm. I had stayed up later than I planned the night before and it would have been okay, had I not been startled by a loud clap of thunder in the middle of the night. It was not a frightening storm, but simply that the initial boom of thunder woke me. The storm itself was not interesting enough to make me want to go to the library and watch the lightening or even to listen to the sound of the rain, which was inconsistent. It was not a soothing shower. Just sporadic thunder, lightening and a bit of rain. I found myself not listening to the rain hitting the roof, which often relaxes me, but instead being jarred. Strangely, the storm, it too seemed out of rhythm. Maybe it is what set the tone for that morning.

I walked around most of the day feeling as if I was walking in this field covered in a thick fog. I was functional, not quite zombie-like, but I couldn't see what was right in front of me half of the time. I decided after about an hour or so of attempting to do some more complex things around the house, to accept it was just one of those days. I wasn't tired and feared going back to bed or napping would throw my whole schedule off anyways and then find myself up all night again. If it were just me, I could adjust to being a night owl, but I know that is not possible and knew that most people operate on a more normal schedule and would assume I would be doing the same.

I opted to work on doing some demolition work that was not heavy duty but necessary to make progress. The bathroom was stripped bare from the disaster, but there were still some straggling pieces of lumber that remained, as the redesign hadn't been decided at the time of the tear-out and these sections are not structural, yet were in the way now of my new plans.

Midday, my M called. She had called the night before having been concerned about a notice on her computer. I knew better than to put it off any longer. Neither were difficult tasks, but time consuming. My M and F are both very good with the computer and I marvel at how well they navigate it all, considering my F refused to even touch a computer or cell phone until he was in his 70s. My M, she figured out how to send texts in invisible ink, which really confused the heck out of me one day. My M, she likes the tech challenge. But, there are some things, my sister and I have told them not to mess with, because the one thing they are not always up on are all the scams and phishing attempts.

I spent about an hour and a half updating all of the software on different devices, along with some other tech issue and then tackled some medical forms. We needed to reset the login information for my M and it would mean waiting for the practice to send out an updated activation code through the mail, as they do not email those things for security reasons. I am not convinced that is the best approach, but it is their normal way to function. However, I have friends - LOL. I rarely ask for favors, but I called this friend who works in that office. She said the letter would be going out, but she could read it off to me with my M's permission. Then I set up my F's activated my F's account and had a good laugh at some of the questions - standard questions that I joked I could really mess with if I wanted to. My M giggled saying I certainly wield a lot of power, knowing full well, that in fact, I was being very thorough and making sure every bit of information regarding family health history and the like were accurate.

D had driven up and offered to drive me home, but I said I was going to walk out to my F's studio and then take a slow walk home. It was far too nice out not to enjoy the weather.

My F, normally has music playing and the doors are often closed to the studio in the summer with the air conditioner going if it is hot out, but yesterday was that perfect time of year where there is a warmth in the air, low humidity and fall is trying to push in. There was a slight breeze and as I approached the studio, I could hear that instead of his regular music, my F was whistling away. I turned the corner to see the doors wide open on both ends of the building and my F was sitting there, working on his project as the breeze passed through the studio.  The lighting - the sun streaming through the windows - some of them stained glass panels and landing on my F and the piece he was so focused on. It made me smile, as I never have gotten tired of seeing him work away and how he just knows how to take a piece of straight metal rod and bend it in the right manner to create something magical. I know in reality it is because of years of practice, but he makes it seem to incredibly easy, but I know even now he has challenges. Some new, due to his body not always behaving the way it once did. Age and wear and tear will do that. But, he has adjusted somehow and may grumble but it doesn't stop him.

I was at the end of the driveway, ready to begin my walk home, when my sister called me. She was just leaving work and just wanted to check in with me. I said I had addressed all of the tech concerns for our parents and then I told her her portion of the tech support bill. It took her a second to realize I was joking. She asked if I wanted to walk this week and how about she buys coffee in exchange for all of my hard work. I laughed and told her I was a push over and it just had better be good coffee.

We are walking on Friday and changing it up this time. We have missed our walks and since she has an appointment in the afternoon in the same city where the gallery is, we decided to walk around the lake. As it turns out, it is also where the best coffee in that city is. ;)

When I finished my conversation with my sister, I began my walk home. I turned off the ringer on my phone and decided to just allow myself to enjoy the moment. The farmers had been harvesting the corn at the opposite end of the road. As I approached my property, I was nearing the orchard. I could hear the truck with the harvested corn coming over the hill and smiled. I love this time of year. I don't get tired of the sounds, sights and smells of when fall is upon us. I could smell the fallen apples in the orchard. The warm air made it smell like baked apples. As the truck drove by, the air carried the smell of the field corn. The corn in the warm sunshine had a distinct kettle corn like smell to it. I thought if I closed my it would be easy to believe I had stumbled into some carnival.

I know that today, those same apples will have a more boozy smell after today's rain. Yesterday though, the orchard was magical in the dappled sunlight. The little circle of mushrooms that springs up from time to time was visible. The lady who owned the house before us told me those circles of mushrooms were fairy rings. My kids loved thinking the fairies danced in the orchard when no one was looking.

D used to run through the orchard in a pink gown that I bought one year after Easter on clearance. It was too big for D when I first bought it, but I knew she would love it. She wore that darn dress everywhere and I let her play in it. I remember my MIL saying I should make D save it for best, but I didn't care if became tattered and torn. It was never meant for special occasions. She would twirl around for hours. To this day, she remembers that particular dress.

S, made a track around the orchard with ramps and jumps. It was where he later would break his leg. But, even after that incident, I accepted he was all boy and I couldn't protect him from bumps, bruises or breaks. Until recently, that track was there. Now, after S did some maintenance, the track is covered in new grass.

The dog, she loved this time of year. What more could she ask for. She would play fetch with pears and would go so far as to select her own from the pile. And of course there was always the alfalfa being harvested.

What struck me when I arrived home was how much I love simple pleasures.

It also dawned on me this morning, as I thought about yesterday, no where in those memories or thoughts did Xh enter my mind. It is not as if I have erased the happy memories or even some of the bad ones, it is more that they don't come to the forefront of my thoughts like they once did. What did come to mind was other memories. In fact, one September in particular that made me smile when the weather was very similar. The company I was keeping then, that popped into my head yesterday. Those memories seem to have pushed Xh way to the back of my mind.
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 7
#48: September 16, 2021, 02:11:54 AM
Sounds like a lovely day actually...

I too was awakened by rain this morning at about 05:15 because one of our bedroom windows (roof windows) was open a bit and if it rains hard, the water will come in. Since that window is over R's desk (read "computer and printer"), I got up to shut the window and then had the devil's own time falling back asleep... Pieces of a conversation I had with xW last night before bed about S14, his whack-job GF and her somewhat dysfunctional family ("somewhat dysfunctional" is like the Pope being "somewhat Roman Catholic") - dad is an alcoholic with anger issues and rich parents, mom is very passive-aggressive and controlling.... Long story short, I was awake until 06:30 when my alarm went off so today is my "fog" day.... 
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Me - 59, xW - 51
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 15, D - 12
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019
Moved on in life

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

M
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 7
#49: September 16, 2021, 11:56:21 AM
UrsaMajor - LOL. You know, I am having a hard time wrapping my head around a having a conversation about dysfunction with an MLCer who is still deep in crisis. That alone had to make for a need for a Crazy Straw and an adult juice box.

Okay, in all seriousness - I have been down that road with kids and the dating aspect. It was a delicate dance. When there is a crazy, whack job GF in the mix, it is often hard to know how to navigate. I tried very hard not to step in too deeply with my kids, and just prayed that their upbringing would somehow guide them. I knew watching other parents who tried to control the situation by saying the person wasn't good enough or crazy, etc, then the teenager often dug their heels in. It was not as if I didn't on occasion express concern or opinions, but I bit my tongue a whole lot. It has worked and S and D have both admitted dodging a couple of bullets over the years. I won't say it was easy sitting by and I too probably had some nights where I didn't sleep. But, to have that particular conversation with a MLCer - Wow.

It rained most of yesterday, so the farmers are at a standstill today. It is too wet to harvest the corn, so the road is very quiet today, unlike most warm days during the harvesting season.

D called me when she arrived at the college. She was not off to a good start. She couldn't find a parking spot and she had arrived half an hour early to make sure she had plenty of time. It would seem there are more commuters this year than in the past. She ended up skipping class, which is something she never does. Ever. But, I told her to take a deep breath and just go get coffee, as she was way late for class anyways and it is with a teacher who knows her well - so she will be able to go to a make up session.

On her way back to campus, she called again and was clearly in tears. Sigh. Now what? There was a light on the dashboard she had never seen. I told her to pull over and to explain it to me what it said. She did and I laughed telling her it was okay and to push this little button on her gear shift for the overdrive. The light went off and I explained to her that she must have accidentally hit the button. She felt foolish, but I told her it had happened to me a couple of times as well.

When I hung up the phone I realized why she is so wired and what today is for her. It is a massive trigger day for her and these little things just pushed her over the edge. It is not something that she won't get over and frankly, a good nap will help her out. She has been pushing herself all week and had a job interview yesterday, which she was offered, and accepted. She will be working in the financial aid office. It is a job similar to the one she had at her former college and she realizes that working in those administrative offices are often good ways to network and having those connections in the college were good for her before. It was how she was originally asked to be a college ambassador at the last college. I think she is excited about it, but she was clearly drained from the week already last night. But then, it is only her first full week and she is readjusting to the rigors of classes and homework.

I took a walk and tried to clear my head a little after the meltdown.

I made note of some of the things I need to list out. Yes, I know - I too have lists, like my M. The difference though is they are my lists meant for me - not to give to anyone else and try to choreograph anyone else's life. On my list at some point in the next couple of weeks, I am going to need to put the netting over the pond to catch the leaves that will fall. I failed to do it properly last year and I really don't like having to drain the pond and clean it out every spring. The waterfall will still work with the net over top and I should be able to enjoy the water lilies that keep blossoming as well.

On my walk, I thought about how much I enjoy my solitary walks, but I crave long walks and sitting on the back deck with someone. It seems like this impossible dream at times. 
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