[OffRoad]

Maybe you could reframe it as they are supplying you with options that you are not obligated to take? I don't understand why people cant just ask if you'd like to connect up with, say, Prom Boy.  I definitely would be upset with people giving out my contact info without my permission. That is just not ok.

It's strange, but what you describe about the gifts didn't strike me as "buying affection." It struck me as showing he was interested with gifts. Maybe his love language was gifts? That could be what he saw in his parents relationship. Was it really excessive? (edit here: I mean that as "really excessive" , not as in "really" excessive. I have no frame of reference for overly excessive.)

I'm sorry someone gave away your contact info without asking, forcing you into having to turn someone down. Just another thing you didn't ask for to have to deal with.

[Dumbfounded]

Now I have to get up on my soap box.

I am so sick to death of people that decide that I am unhappy or incomplete or pathetic or lonely because I am divorced/single. What is that?  Am I telling you I am sad or lonely or unhappy? No. Then your judgment of me in that light is totally disrespectful of me and my life choices.  It tells me that you don't really like me as the person I am.  Or it tells me that your efforts to make me just like you (which is usually the case) make you feel better about yourself and your life choices.  Stop trying to fix me.  My mother is famous for this.

My last therapist told me I had to stop hanging out with my married friends and to go sit by myself at a bar to meet new people. I don't really drink. I am introverted.  Why in God's name would I want to go sit at a bar and meet new people who drink and hang out a noisy bars?  I like my married friends who have the same values as me and like to Netflix and chill and play board games with their kids.

And excessive gift giving and the flashy life style ... oh heck no to that.  These are not your people MD.     
           

[OffRoad]

My last therapist told me I had to stop hanging out with my married friends and to go sit by myself at a bar to meet new people.

There is nothing to say to such crazy.

[MourningDove]

OffRoad, the biggest issue was that this woman doesn't really know me and to overstep that personal information was not okay. The only reason she had it was because many years ago she had set up a surprise for my friend and used that email.

There is gift giving that one could classify as someone's love language. I have no problem with that. I had a boyfriend many years ago that it was clear was his love language. He bought me a necklace that was not my aesthetic as such, but I know he must have saved up for it and I wore it daily when we were dating, because I knew it was a big deal. The situation with this other guy was never that.

There is a difference when phrases were attached to let you know where it came from, etc. It was no secret that his family modeled the sort of behavior I am talking about. The one son was not good enough to make the team, then suddenly he was on a sports team and there was a new scoreboard that had been purchased. And they bragged about how they just had to throw money at things to get what they wanted. That is how every gift I received was presented. I should want to go out with him because, well I would be lavished with gifts if I did. The thing is, I found myself liking him less and less even as a friend. It destroyed the parts of him that I did care for in that those other behaviors eclipsed the good parts of him. The fraternity house, that was just one of many times that this family paid their way to popularity. I didn't want to be part of that. I know all too well what the dynamic was in that family.

Dumbfounded - I am right there with you. I will tell you though, be careful, as I discovered that "chill and Netflix" among the younger crowd definitely does mean something completely different than most of us think. I made that mistake early on with my former coworker when he asked if I wanted to go to the movies and "hang out". Back when I was in my 30's that meant "hey let's go to the movies and a cup of coffee and talk afterwards". Um, no. That is code for after the movie there will be different action going on.  I laughed and asked him if this was standard operating procedures. At then 30, he looked at me like I had an extra eyeball in the middle of my forehead. I have since learned to be mindful of how I answer things - LOL. Fortunately, he had a good sense of humor about it and didn't make me feel ancient. LOL.

But, that nugget aside. I am perfectly content, like you to do other things with people I like whether they are married or single. I did my stint at a bar with a friend of mine for months. It got really old, very quickly. I like my inner circle method of choosing who I hang out with. I am not going to go and hang out at a bar by myself. I have gone to the movies or out to dinner, or gone places on my own, but a bar. IDK - that seems like looking for a hookup more than anything else, so I am with you. LOL

I had to work today and it was a hectic day. I arrived at work to a ton of messages and things I had on my list that I wanted to get done. I was in the middle of my list when the phone rang and it was the owner. She was not feeling well and asked me to cover her class. It was decided to close the gallery for a few hours so that I didn't have to run back and forth and try to manage both the front end of things and the class. I was grateful for that option, as it has been busy as of late.

I was getting ready to go teach, laughing as I had worn a skirt and heels today. I was grateful I had chosen to not wear my white dress pants instead. That would have been a disaster with oil paint. As I was preparing, one of the students came into the office and brought me a bouquet of flowers from her garden. She wanted to thank me for helping her last week with something. They were absolutely stunning.

Class went incredibly well and a couple of students told me that they would love to have me teach a class of my own. It felt good to be appreciated and frankly, I miss teaching. It gets me excited to see people improve with their techniques and sharing what I have learned over the years. It is not some ego trip for me. It is all about that sharing of knowledge and other people getting excited as well. It is what draws me to people who find the same things interesting and exciting. Or the same sense of humor.

I really am a nerd at heart. I accept and own that. 

[MourningDove]

I have been thinking about guilt this afternoon that comes with this whole MLC process. And it is not the same guilt that creeps in now, but like it or not there were some moments of guilt that hung on me throughout this ordeal.

I remember feeling guilty initially because I so wanted to help Xh somehow. And, the guilt came mainly with the gaslighting. I realize that now, but at the time, Xh's complaints fed that guilt making me feel like somehow I was to blame for all that was wrong. Once I realized it was gaslighting the guilt didn't just lift. It took time to work through it.

There was guilt when I decided I could no longer stand. My own feelings that were rooted in my strong belief in vows and commitment. The feeling as if I had failed at marriage. Failed Xh. Failed myself. And failed my kids and family. Those feelings were often fueled when other people sometimes felt it was necessary to stoke that fire and make comments. More often than not, those were people who didn't really have a clue as to what I was dealing with nor did they really, in the grand scheme, have an opinion that should somehow have affected me. They are now people I realize didn't understand me or know me well enough. And it is not as if outside advice isn't helpful sometimes, but that is not what these were. They were unsolicited opinions that merely fed my guilt.

I realize that some of those feelings of guilt made me not do things to rectify the situation for myself. I let myself stay in limbo longer than I should have when it came to Xh. I let him drag me farther down, financially and otherwise. And this is not about blaming Xh - that decision to hold on is on me. I have to own that. His crisis and crazy - that is a different story. 

I had someone who kept telling me, when I finally started to push forward to protect myself and the kids. That was all I could do and should do. And it was what had to happen, in spite of my guilt. It was something that became a bit of a mantra and the guilt that sometimes came with that decision to protect myself and the kids was a tough one to accept. The reality is that some of the steps that had to be taken were the best for all of us and were going to temporarily hurt.

I still am protective of my kids to a degree. I no longer carry the same guilt I did early on. I have forgiven myself, but there are moments that I feel that guilt bubbling up. When D has a meltdown that is a direct result of the pain she has experienced from Xh's antics. Guilt for taking part in the MLC nonsense and creating this truly F'ed up financial situation that has put stress where there never was stress with college and the like.

When those feelings creep in I remind myself I did what I did to protect the kids and I and things would be much worse if I had not made those decisions. These are the consequences of some of those decisions. But, in those decisions and moments I realize that there are positives. It also makes me really think about some things that have crossed my mind.

I realize that life is full of hiccups and due to a conversation with S last night, I realize that in my quest to protect the kids, I have sometimes had to expose them to changes that may have stressed them out to a degree, but they have watched as I have modeled the values I have always stuck to. That is, I am staying true to who I am. I am modeling behaviors. S had a situation where he works and he has watched me work through some tough moments which he said helped him yesterday.

There have been times I have been afraid to make changes or do things for fear the kids might get mad at me. Even having the dog put down was so incredibly difficult. And, that event is stressful to begin with, but for me, it was so even harder considering the dog was there for us when life fell apart. I wrestled with knowing it had to happen and I didn't want the dog to suffer, but I was wrought with this guilt of the kids not being able to deal with it and being angry with me. Most of the thoughts that came with the guilt were really unfounded. But they existed.

It was tough, but the kids and I pulled together.

I realize after talking to another friend of mine that some changes are important and part of life. There are things I want in my own life that may impact the kids. The adjustments might make them angry at first, but I also want to model healthy behaviors for them. I want them to see that it is not selfish to want happiness, but it is equally important to not be self-absorbed. I want them to see healthy friendships and relationships and that might mean introducing them to new people that enter my own life. And, I don't mean like my one friend who has had a revolving door of friends and boyfriends coming in and out of her life.

Protecting my kids is not about sheltering them from all of the evils in life. Nor is it about somehow keeping them from hurting or wrapping them in bubble wrap. I know that Xh may even rattle his cage if for instance I were to decide to sell some things that were "ours". I have been contemplating letting go of a piece of artwork he bought - a portrait of a woman that I love. He originally bought it on a trip because it reminded him of me. Of course, he left that here - LOL. It is of significant value and I am not sure I need to hold onto it now. I am torn. But, if he gets wind of me thinking about letting it go, it will twist him in knots because it has increased significantly in value and he will want his cut.

There are all sorts of scenarios where Xh could create unrest when it comes to changes in my life. He doesn't like knowing I have been out with another man. He knows enough from S to know that nothing about it makes Xh particularly happy. So what. S has learned to handle Xh's little outbursts in that department. S has made it clear that he doesn't want me ever getting back together with Xh. He has stated that our last few months together were toxic and that is not me. He wants me to be happy and for someone to value me for me.

D, she is more complex, but I am realizing in her case, I cannot stop doing things so she doesn't get upset. In fact, "protecting her" comes in the form of actually sometimes challenging her or pushing back. Her abandonment issues are there and there are other issues that arise, but if I tip toe around it all the time, I will not really being protecting her. In fact, I am enabling her and not showing her how to work through these things. Protecting her may mean sometimes having to work through some hurt and confusion on her end, but necessary for her to grow.

I am not running around feeling guilty today. Back in the MLC era, had what happened this morning gone on I would have run right away to fix it for D because I could hear her panic. I am not a fixer by nature, but in the MLC time period, I was guilty of that.

D has been dog sitting and staying at the house with the dog. This morning, she woke up and the kitchen was flooded. Now, don't get me wrong, had it really been an emergency, I would have run there to help her. But this was a time for her to deal with this on her own and my job was to help her figure it out on her own. I stayed on the phone with her as she went through where the water had come from and I worked her through how to check for shutoffs. She found them and then proceeded to mop up the water. It was not fun for her, but she was pretty proud of herself for fixing it herself.

Had it been MLC, the feeling of guilt of not going over to the house right away would have weighed on me. Protecting her would have meant that I take care of it for her. Sometimes it is okay to let the kids struggle on their own. There is no guilt hanging on me today for making that decision. Feel bad for D, as it was a mess, but I am proud of her. 

[MourningDove]

I am looking at the calendar and just wondering where summer has gone. I have been wanting to grab a day or two to myself for some time away and it seems impossible. It is not that I don't have time or can't make time for myself, but where I wanted to go is not going to be able to happen at this rate. I just don't know how. I had so wanted to drive about 12 hours away for a vacation and it is just not feasible at the moment.

S starts school the week after next, which means he moves in in Saturday. He cannot bring anyone with him, but I will be busy helping him pack his car. I may still go that direction and stay over night somewhere just to take a break. IDK.

I have my M's surgery coming up at the end of the month, which means I will be sharing time with my sister over 5 days to navigate those days where my M has to lie flat. It won't anchor me completely, but I already know due to my sister's work schedule that I won't be able to take a block of time away overnight, at least too far away.

So, I am adjusting my thoughts and trying to figure out where I can go for a day trip here and there. Even if it means going to somewhere nearby and just shutting myself off from the daily grind of things. And, maybe it is as simple as telling everyone to leave me alone so I can just work in my backyard gardens and prepare for spending more time out there for the fall. There are certainly things I want to do.

I am looking into going back to figure drawing sessions and finding other things to do besides the continual projects. D's room, I should be able to finish today or early tomorrow. I was so close but then the supplies I needed were back ordered, so it just added more time to actually being able to move all of her things back in her room so that I can reclaim other parts of the house. Between her possessions and S's college boxes mixed with the other ongoing bathroom project, I am ready to have my downstairs back to being a usable, livable space where I can curl up and relax. Once D's things are out of the hallway closet, I can put the bathroom back together and use the hallway closet as a linen closet.

I keep saying equating my unplanned projects as if they were a sliding tile puzzle, where in order to solve it, you have to slide the tiles around. D's room is really the first part of solving that whole puzzle. Once she is settled in, as she needs her space back, the other things, at least on the first floor can go back into some semblance of how I would really like things. The only big project that would remain is the basement repairs, mainly the laundry room, which is functional now, but I do miss the tile flooring and all of the cabinetry that was destroyed in the disaster earlier this year.

My sister said to me today, she doesn't know how I have kept my sanity. I told her I have had lots of practice dealing with crazy - although it was in the form of the MLCer. In truth, I don't hold it together all the time. I have moments where I just want to burn the place down and run away. Of course, that is never something that takes hold and I realize it is just a feeling that is not anchored in any reality. It wouldn't solve the problem, for one. The other is, at the end of the day, I am pretty happy where I live for now. I don't know down the line what I will decide to do, but I have a pretty good situation here.

The other thing that struck me was I am not alone in some of the crazy things life has put in my path. The pandemic has made it much harder to get supplies or contractors, etc. It is not like this is just happening to me. I can't get mad at the contractor for not being able to suddenly drop everything to finish up some of my work. And when it comes to supplies, I can be patient or possibly change my plans, but I am still not going to make things appear magically that are just nowhere to be found at the moment. It is not optimal, but it is the reality. Losing my patience over it isn't going to solve it any quicker.

I know that is going to have to apply to my desire to get away as well. I am going to have to be patient and I will just have to adapt my plans or dreams of where I want to go. It is okay. Maybe there is some reason I am not meant to go there right now.

The one positive I see is I have several days during the midweek that might be time to sneak off when the rest of the world is working. I have an art exhibit I am wanting to go to and it would mean about a 3 hour drive, but I could do that in a day without any problem. I have done crazier things than that before.

Today, I am going to focus on working on D's room and then perhaps reward myself with a drive this afternoon to get out of the house.

[MourningDove]

Yesterday was one of those days. Just a mood that hung over me and I guess I didn't even realize it until I answered a question that was posed to me.

I had run into someone I haven't seen in years. It is the type of person where I feel comfortable sharing certain things but not quite at the level of details, etc. I trust them not to judge or to share secrets, etc and they have a funny sense of humor. When they asked me how my "H" was I made light of it, but it is in how I phrased it that I realized I pinpointed my own mood. I was feeling less than yesterday.

I normally would have joked in this case, not that it is funny in the grand sense, because that time in my life was incredibly painful and sad. The undercurrent nearly dragged me under and Xh seemed determined to attach any weight to my feet to insure that I couldn't swim to the surface. That type of destruction is not funny in reality. But, I sometimes find that humor now helps to diffuse potentially uncomfortable situations like this one for the person who is asking.

Normally, I might have said something like "he traded me in for a different model". Instead, my phrasing was very telling and the other person didn't catch it per se, but I did. And it is how I was feeling and not so much about Xh, but it was my mindset. I phrased it as Xh felt he deserved something better than me.

I said the kids and I are doing well and we talked about both kids starting back at college and about their kids. It wasn't awkward. Yet, when I walked away there they were -my own words biting me.

I was feeling that way yesterday. I was overwhelmed with all that is weighing on me right now. The projects that are being held up by materials and supplies that are backordered, which hamper my ability to actually have a fully functioning house at the moment. I am fortunate to be able to go to my parent's house, but let's face it - it is getting really old and I am not asking for a whole lot.

S's tuition is due and there were questions with that yesterday, but I couldn't get through, nor could he. Answers that today make things easier to digest and get a handle on. He moves in on Saturday and that brings other stresses, even though my formerly unorganized kid is really very organized now with college bins he kept packed and will just have to put them in his car along with any clothing and the like he will need. But, there are still things that need to happen, like making sure he has the paperwork filed to take the health insurance fee off, because he has his own health insurance. And, little time-sucking aspects.

D's room - we at least moved her new bed frame to the house from her BF's house. They picked it out and had it delivered there. Now it will be set up at home, but it is in my living room at the moment and it is stressing me out.

I found myself just feeling so incredibly unattractive yesterday. So much so that when my sister called, I bubbled up and said I needed to get away for a day or two. Trouble is, I had mentioned it to my parents that I had wanted to go to an exhibit that is several hours away. My parents have already been, but my M didn't want me going alone because of the drive. My sister paused and said that was it. She and I were going on a road trip this weekend. She knew full well that now that my M mentioned it, there is no way I would be able to sneak off on my own. She would take it personally and she would worry about me. My sister giggled and said we should make it a girls' adventure. That made my M happy, hearing my sister would be going with me. And frankly, she and I will have a ton of fun. As long as my BIL agrees to take care of the kids for the day, my sister and I will take off on Sunday early and won't plan on getting home until late in the evening.

I couldn't concentrate and didn't want to ponder this whole mood I was in. It was not time to go into that thinking mode and dissecting my thoughts. I am pretty sure my mood was just exhaustion setting in and not making any headway yesterday. I accepted that my day had honestly not gotten off on the right foot anyways. It wasn't bad, just off. Maybe it was the universe forcing a time-out from working on projects.

I went to another home improvement store in the opposite direction of the one I had gone to earlier in the day. I accepted it was possible they too would not have what I needed, but it was okay. I was going to just go and look and not worry whether or not they had a thing. I borrowed my F's truck and meandered. I ended up stopping at another store just before and found a patio table on sale. I hesitated, as I felt like I should not spend on myself at all. I turned back around and decided to not be that way this time. I had the cash on me and I reminded myself I haven't gone on a vacation in forever. We had put the old patio dining table in the bonfire this past spring and it needed to go. I could have repaired it, but the truth is, there were too many bad memories that outweighed the good with that table as that was purchased just before MLC rolled in and it hadn't been properly cared for during the MLC era, so it really was going to be a big project.

I had the salespeople help me load the table, which weighed quite a bit. When I got home, I was going to wait to take it off the truck and then thought out a plan that would make it work so I could assemble it. I knew better than to tempt fate and have to visit the doctor, so, I backed up to the back deck and slid the box onto the deck. It took some doing, but I had it assembled and was able to tip it up carefully, without stressing my body. It was all about the leverage.  Oh, sure now I need chairs, as I forgot those too went away, but I have this new table that made me smile. Both kids came home and laughed.

As I was working away, I had considered not going to my painting group. That mood, in spite of the new table just was hanging there. It was until one of my painting buddies texted me and asked if I was going to be there. It is not like her to do that. It dawned on me, that the anniversary of her H's death is right around now and she and I have this habit of kicking each other when we need it. I had pushed her to get back into painting a few months after her H died and I offered to go with her to a workshop to be her support system. I realized she needed me there last night and frankly, I needed it too.

I showed up with some photos that I had printed out to paint from. It was too hot to paint outside last night and I wasn't in the mood to try and finish a painting that I had going. I wasn't in the right mindset for that piece. If it had been client work, I would have figured out a way to struggle through it, but this was for me. So, I picked a foggy, misty morning photo bordering on gloomy. The thing is, I found myself lost in painting last night, and again, I threw a couple of people who had seen the blank canvas at the start of it all and I had it completed last night in a couple of hours. Not every painting comes together that way, but I have had years of training with client work, which has to have a quick turn around, so working at a pace isn't foreign to me. But, the bigger part for me was, I had no expectations. I was simply determined to enjoy the process of pushing paint around and if it was a mess in the end, I could just scape it all off or put in drawer number 3.

It is not what people are used to from me. D told me it was a moody painting. Hmmm, wonder how that happened.  LOL. D said she quite liked the painting.

This morning, I had a call that made me laugh a little. It is really very stupid, that is why it makes me happy. My propane tank is peeling and I hadn't gotten around to calling about what can be done about it. It is really an eyesore. The company that maintains it called and they wanted to know when they can deliver a new tank, as the service tech noticed when he was delivering propane last week that it is really not how they want their tanks to look, even though it was safe. I giggled when I told the woman on the phone that it has come to that - a new propane tank makes me happy. LOL.

Frankly, it is not the propane tank, as much as I was honestly grateful that I didn't have to chase after that and the company was being proactive.

I was able to get answers from S's college regarding the tuition bill and that eased some stress. His tuition will be manageable for both of us after his loans kick in and Xh can suck it. I will make this happen in spite of his attempts to derail things. It is not worth the fight with him.

I think what bothers me more than my initial response yesterday was Xh felt like he deserved better. Thing is, he didn't just think he deserved better than me. He felt that way about his kids too. I have to remind myself of that when it still affects me. He didn't just leave me. He left two really good kids and he had access to them. I never kept him away from them - ever. He chose that.

My mood is better today. Rest helps. Pushing through helped. Having friends that look out for you helps. And, the promise of a day away is helping me as well. I need something to look forward to this week that isn't all about responsibility and being the only adult in the mix.

[MourningDove]

D has enough of Xh in her to sometimes push my buttons and trigger me. It is something I have to work on, TBH.

Xh had a way of phrasing things and approaching certain topics. It is not a bad thing, so much as I have become hypersensitive to it when it comes to D. D phrases things in the same manner and I can feel myself just bristling. And, it is not something she has to change about herself. For one, I can't make someone else change and it isn't that she is wrong in her methods. It is my own reaction that I can control.

In part it is because D is a morning person. And, I don't mean she is just up early, she is on full tilt in the morning. Ever since she was little, she wakes up and within a short time her brain is usually going full tilt. My M is the same way. And, I admire it on many levels.

I am not that way. I have always been one who can get up and focus on my day ahead and if I am working, I am usually thinking about work and the immediate things in front of me. I am not focusing on all of my list for the next few days. I like doing this, when time allows, by sort of easing in to my day, fixing my cup of coffee and being relaxed, not buzzing around like a hummingbird. D is a hummingbird. Once I get going, I can work non-stop, but I need that little bit of time in the morning to just truly wake up. And, I know that it has become more important for me ever since BD.

I was used to having to run around and get the house moving before BD. The kids off to school. Helping Xh get to whatever he had on his list. My schedule depended on what was going on for work, as I often had more flexibility and it was a good thing. It worked for a very long time.

By the time BD hit, I was running around trying to adapt to the constant changing landscape of MLC. Xh barked orders all the time. Nothing I did was right. And, his former normal approach started to then wear on me. The rattling off of questions, by then were accusatory or demanding. Yet, he didn't necessarily change his tone or approach early on, it was simply the line of questions changed. Slowly, the tone changed and it wore me down.

The problem being, D is not being accusatory or anything like that. She is operating the way Xh's brain used to prior to MLC. I have no reason to necessarily be triggered by it, except I feel myself tense up waiting for it to go into that next level of behavior.

I have explained to both kids that I no longer can handle the onslaught of lists first thing in the morning. At least not right away. The year they were both away at college, I found I worked through a great deal by being able to calm my brain in the morning and just have my coffee if time allowed. And, once they moved back, we had an adjustment period, but it wasn't bad.

The problem this morning, I realize is there is full on chaos this week. D has needs and questions about college. Things that she needs help with from me. S is in need of my help with tuition questions and the like. He is moving out this weekend. D mentioned my M's surgery and trying to figure out that schedule, as D has classes. I have to work as does my sister and D wants a full schedule, so she knows where she has to be and what she is doing to help out. All good things to be on top of, but when she came at me this morning with the list, I felt myself just want to scream at her and tell her to stop. I didn't.

All of those things need attacked. Problem is, I am not in an attack mode yet. The weather is making me sleepy and I hadn't even looked at the calendar this morning to see what is looming today. Forget what is going on a day or a week from now.

I realize it is that time of the summer. The normal chaos that kicks in before colleges start back up and everything piles up. I have my own list written out that I was pouring over as I made my coffee. D came in and just started with questions and I just wanted my coffee and 15 minutes to sit at my kitchen table and stare out into space.

What some people don't understand is I am not grumpy in the morning. It is not like you have to avoid me. I am also able to get up and say, like this Sunday, get out the door early and be happy about it. I don't need to sleep late, etc. It is just that I have found I need to sometimes have a breather before the day goes into overload, as it has been the past couple of days with all of the moving parts. If I say anything, I am accused of being grouchy. Nope, I realize it is a bit of a trigger for me. I can't handle that approach and I need to learn how to work with that and accept that D is okay the way she is and not going to turn into the monster Xh was.

[OffRoad]

As a suggestion of what works for me with my D, I will look up at her (with usually a blank or empty stare) and say "I really want to help you with this, but my brain is not functioning on all cylinders right now (or I am not capable of processing this right now). I really want to give you what you need so I'll get back to you when everything is engaged." I can now say this without even thinking about it when I am not functioning enough or don't want to function enough at that moment.  Then, of course, I make sure I follow through and come back to her when brain is engaged so she knows I'm not just blowing smoke.

Being a person who always did multiple things at 100 mph and they all came together at once, and no longer being able to do this after BD, it took me a while to accept that this is just as it is going to be for as long as it takes, and in fact may never get back to old levels. Most people don't function where I used to be, and that is OK. I lay my cards on the table now. "I'd like to but can't right now." "I will get back to you when I can process." "I'm not ignoring you, I simply have no bandwidth at the moment."  It's hard for the other person who really wants to make their own plans RIGHT NOW, but since it was usually that my D had plenty of time to ask about it, but waiting until her own last minute to ask me, that isn't on me that I don't have bandwidth when she wants it. I used to get cranky in my responses, but a desire on her part is not an emergency on my part.

We all need a breather now and then, even if it isn't convenient for someone else. 

[MourningDove]

OffRoad - I employ that same strategy with my D and others. It usually works. The reality is right now there are so many things firing from all directions and I am exhausted and that is when I am open to being triggered.

It is actually very odd, TBH. I have had a great deal of solitude and life isn't necessarily busy in the moment to moment. It is the so many unknowns and things flying around that are making it harder to manage. I am used to this time of year being chaotic in terms of both kids preparing for college and all the hiccups that arise each semester. Those occur no matter how well we have prepared. It is a given.

Normally I am really good at navigating the unknowns, but right now, there are too many, even for me. And I am having other hurdles thrown in the mix. My M's surgery is hitting right as school will be starting up. IDK what my semester looks like at all or even if it exists. A huge unknown, so when my sister is calling to ask me what days I am covering my M's recuperation, I have limited answers. D is part of this coordination effort. Everyone is pitching in, but now in the mix, is my F's eye shot, which is a monthly event. It is falling on one of the days during my M's recovery, which means we have to split duties.

My M and D are wanting firm answers I just don't have. I know it will be figured out, but in the mix are just all of these crazy things hitting at once and I am the one taking on the bulk of the problem solving and responsibilities. Xh is completely MIA now that he has decided to no longer pay for S's college. Big surprise. And, it is not that Xh was a help in terms of support beyond financial for S, but now that is falling on me.

Support for D is done. Of course, that makes me laugh a little, as technically he should have paid this month, but whatever.

I am honestly grateful that those strings are gone, but it is still a huge adjustment to my own finances. Like it or not, that money coming in was at least a buffer. Thing is, unlike Xh, I am not cutting support to the kids while they are in college. I had always promised per the MSA to cover their cellphones, health insurance and to carry life insurance on myself for them, among other expenses. S pays for his car and car insurance. D's car insurance is minimal. They both help out at home with things like laundry, the lawn and dinners. And they don't ask me for money most of the time. But, my commitment to them was to get them through school and cover those expenses that help them succeed. They both understand that once school ends, I am not covering the cell phones, etc. and neither have a problem with it.

I am not feeling like a victim. I know I could go take Xh back to court and know how that would end - probably with me just spending time and money that won't really make any real difference in the long run. It is really not so much about Xh and his inability to adhere to the MSA and it isn't fair to the kids or to me for that matter. I don't care about the injustice. But, the reality of it is right now it is putting a whole lot of pressure on me that I knew was coming, and prepared for it, but no matter how well I prepared, I am feeling the initial gravity of what that means. I will manage, but right now, I am not feeling terribly confident and am scared. How the eff is this going to play out? And, I know I will figure it out. I always do.

D's car needs some repairs. Nothing major, but it just piles on. She paid all of her tuition, so I will help her with repairs.

I know that the biggest issue in my exhaustion right now is that I am so tired of being the responsible parent. And, the projects to get our lives back in line are wearing me down. And, people don't get it. My M brought on more stress yesterday when she lovingly suggested she and my F could pay for a contractor to come in and finish the bathroom. Nice of her. I am not being ungrateful. What she didn't quite grasp is the issue is not finding a contractor or paying a contractor. I tried gently to explain to her that the reputable ones are all booked way out. She was so trying to be helpful so she went ahead and called a bunch of them. Surprise - she called me to say they are all booked until after the new year. And, I will readily admit, that pissed me off. Again, I know she was trying to help, but it made my blood boil. I have already accepted this reality and to have it be stirred up again and questioned, even though she was genuinely trying to help me was truly aggravating.

It is exactly why I need this escape on Sunday. I was even on the fence about that at one point, thinking I don't deserve to go or I shouldn't take the time because I have too much to do. Then my sister called and said both of her kids had expressed wanting to go along. D heard and she thought maybe she might like to go. I put my foot down and said no, I really needed this to not be a family outing. I felt so selfish stating it at the time. My sister knows that is not like me, and she agreed, that this was a time for just the two of us and we can plan a family trip another weekend.

I woke up this morning and wondered if this is my life now. I feel like there are these odd gaps in my life. I crave more than what I have right now. I realize that there are some holes in my life. Things I want long term and I have to figure out how to fill those vacancies. My soul needs recharged and I am tired of being alone. I can be alone, I just don't want to feel so alone anymore.