[Reinventing]

MD, I am trying to remember, does S graduate in December? And D next May (2023)? I'm just trying to remember where they are in the timeline to graduation.

Did you file a financial exigency form with financial aid to give them additional info on the change in your finances? That can help financial aid give additional funds. Also ask if there are forms for students to fill out regarding COVID unexpected financial changes. There may be some federal funding that can be added to S's and D's accounts due to your changes in finances.

I know you have it under control, don't get me wrong. If there are ways to reduce the bill and increase aid, they usually don't then decrease that in the next year, which would help with D beyond this year. She is nursing, right? Look at the DHHS HRSA web page for grant funds directly to and for nursing students.

[MourningDove]

Reinventing - S will graduate in December, as long as things go as planned. D will finish this coming May and then she is planning on working a year before going on for her Masters degree. She is going for Physical Therapy. So, both kids will essentially be done this year, just at two different times. Although, I am betting graduation will occur at the same time.

I did file a financial exigency form with both colleges. It has helped some.

I appreciate any ideas and have knowledge of some scholarships, etc, but particularly nursing and in the medical fields, I am at a loss.

Last night, S and his GF went to the bank to look into getting a credit card for S. I am not at all concerned with his desire to do so. Xh has had his account hacked 3 times on his debit card when he travels and S decided that maybe a credit card would be safer for travel, like when he was at the trade show. S pays his bills on time and has spotless credit. He came home and said the lady at the bank was stunned. She said she has never in all of her years seen a student be able to get a card that easily nor with such a high limit. In fact it is higher than most people get in general. It was because S has had loans in his name since he was 19, a loan Xh screamed at me for allowing, which was terribly amusing, since I had nothing to do with it. The only loan I have ever cosigned on is for S's current vehicle and that was only to get him a lower percentage rate. He is refinancing that as well without me on the loan and it will drop it more with a deal from the bank.

Then S embarrassed his GF. He pushed her while they were there to ask about what I had suggested weeks ago. GF still hasn't been able to get a new vehicle. She feels bad, but I have been taking her to and from work right now. I know she has had medical expenses hanging over her head and I am able to help her out. It is not a big deal. But, I know she wants to get her own car. Her truck is beyond the point of making sense to repair. Her parents, divorced refuse to help her cosign on a loan, which is within their right. She was told at one point her credit score was too low by someone and she was embarrassed. She had done some stupid youthful things at one point, and has grown up, but she was sure that was still the case. I had suggested she ask about what the same bank did for me after the divorce screwed up my credit scores and had them all over the map. The bank gave me a low interest loan if I agreed to have the money automatically withdrawn every month. So, S said she was sheepish and figured they would just tell her no. Turns out, her credit has not only recovered, but she wouldn't need a cosigner at all for a car, even a new one. And, if she does and automatic payment, the rate will be really decent. She was so giddy when she came back. And I am happy for her. She works so hard and in all honesty it wasn't even the approval of the loan, it was more that she needed the boost in her self confidence - to show that she has learned from her mistakes.

My M invited me up to have lunch today. I arrived at the usual time, to find my F was nowhere to be found. I asked what that was about and my M laughed. He had eaten lunch earlier than normal so that he could take a nap and then return to his studio. I had told my M once he found a subject that inspired him he would get over this funk he has been in. She laughed and said he has been going full tilt on this new project. I went out to check on him and he was whistling away and was excited to share his plans for this piece. It will be a welded horse with hammered copper and steel. He hasn't done a horse like that in ages.

I went back inside and was telling my M that I had an opportunity to participate in a 4 day Plein Air event, but I opted out because it is the same week as her surgery. She is so funny and said she would be fine. I laughed and reminded her that no, she will not be left alone and the last time she was supposed to be flat for 5 days we caught her up and sweeping the floor. I won't be on for the full time, but I am not going to commit to the four days to paint when I know I have to step in some of the time. And it is okay. With the weird weather, I am not really thrilled about the idea of painting after it has rained. The mosquitoes would be horrendous.

It was then my M handed me a list. She had apparently planned my itinerary for tomorrow. I didn't give her a hard time. I know she is excited about my sister and I going. She had maps out on how to get there. I reminded her I didn't need a map, as I traveled there for work for several years for work conferences. There are only a couple of ways you can get there. She then proceeded to tell me all the places I needed to go. I thanked her and then came home and called my sister. I listed all the places on the list. She burst out laughing. I said we are going to have 5 minutes at each place to fit it all in, so she had best put on her best running sneakers. And, I informed her there would be no stopping along the way because apparently the rest stops are closed or in sad shape at the moment, per my M, who showed me online to prove the point. My sister said she will make sure she brings a cup with her for any emergencies. I told her I would be nice and stop along side the road if need be. We both were cracking up and agreed that we will take these things into consideration, but we are okay if we don't do everything on this extensive list.

I have to remind myself sometimes that my M means well. She is so used to managing things and her love language is acts of service. She likes helping people. Sometimes she oversteps, but she never does it to be controlling and it feels that way once in awhile. It is rarely the case. And right now, I know she is having a really hard time because of her eye sight. She actually tried to wiggle out of the surgery again yesterday, but D laid it out for her what delaying it will mean. My M conceded that this has to happen now. With the poor eyesight, she is limited in what she can do and so she is looking for things that make her feel useful. It isn't easy to stop and remind myself of that when she tries to help me or solve things for me.

I was nice. I took the maps and the list with me and thanked her. I am still laughing though at some of the things. I am supposed to stop at a particular bakery and have a donut and a coffee. I know that I will have to do that, as that is my parent's favorite place to go when they vacation and it means bringing back a donuts for them. LOL.

[MourningDove]

My sister and I left bright and early yesterday for our "Girls' Getaway". My sister laughed when she said her H was shocked that she and I were going on this trek, since he knows I am not afraid to go it alone. And, my BIL was happy we were going together, but he is an only child, so sometimes this bond my sister and I have perplexes him just a tad. But, he is a really good sport and didn't complain. He knows my sister and I missed our opportunity to spend time traveling together before Covid hit.

My BIL is a good man, but I also know he was not sure what to do with his teenagers all by himself. He has always been good about spending time with them, but he hasn't had much time alone with them this summer with his work schedule and my sister has been around them all summer. He was funny, almost behaving at first like he had been left behind with two infants with absolutely no instructions or experience with them. My sister told him what would probably occur. My nephew would ask to ride his bike to his friend's house and they would want to go to the country club to swim. It isn't far and my sister reminded my BIL what they have my nephew do - check in when he gets to the friend's house and then again when he arrives at the pool, etc.

My niece, she is at a more difficult age, only in that it depends on her "high school" mood. She would sleep really late, no doubt and since she has a busy week coming up with sports practices coming up, twice a day, she would be a lazy bum most likely. My sister simply told him to just make her roll out of bed by noon, even if she didn't get dressed all day and to make sure she took care of a couple of routine things. Beyond that, she said the only thing she could see my niece doing is wanting to perhaps bake. That is her usual Sunday routine.

When my sister hung up, she sort of laughed. She said she was betting the day would play out almost exactly like that and my BIL would decide he doesn't want to bother cooking and they would go out to dinner. She had it pegged right down to where they went for dinner, which made us both laugh. BIL only checked in twice. Once when he was concerned that my sister hadn't told him we had arrived, which made us both giggle, since she had literally hung up the phone with my niece, who picked up when BIL was outside and didn't bother to tell him that we had arrived. My sister rolled her eyes and commented that is typical teenager. Forgot to share that little bit of news.

The weather turned in our favor on the way up. There had been rain in the forecast, but that changed in the early morning and the drive was fantastic. We stopped once on the way up, which made us both laugh as I had threatened to not stop the car the night before. Yah, I am not like that.

The traffic was a bit heavy the first hour, but once we got past that point, the highway was really very quiet. We arrived in time to stop and get coffee and pick up the donuts my sister and I had promised to bring back for my parents.

There was no push to go anywhere and the day just rolled along. We knew we wanted to go to the exhibit, but we had all day to see that, and so we simply meandered and did whatever we felt like doing. We hit the exhibit around lunch time and we were the only one's in the gallery at that moment. The woman said that it would be very busy after lunch, on a Sunday, so we had picked the right time. It was stunning, but it was too nice to spend too much time inside, so we walked around the little village shops and then had a late lunch.

We drove around and were both disappointed neither of us had thought to pack proper shoes for hiking. With the earlier weather forecast didn't cross our mind and I had just cleaned out my car the day before because I had D drop off some donations and didn't want my good sneakers to disappear accidentally into the mix.

On the way back, we decided to forego the toll road and go the back way home. My sister was hesitant at first, as she thought it might take way longer, but I have gone that way before and it is not a heavily travelled road, the only drawback is the speed limit is not the same as the toll road, but I reminded her that we would hit the traffic at the large event going on about midway anyways and that is miserable.

We stopped at a gas station that is near a casino and we both burst out laughing a couple of times because the clientele were definitely dressed for the casino and we had just left an area where the standard dress code was beaches and mountains, so very casual wear. We weren't quite prepared to see the extreme change in clothing. There seemed to be an overabundance of gold and leopard skin tops at this particular gas station.

My sister got out of the car and I had to answer a text from D. All of a sudden the back door of my car opened, but I didn't see anyone at first, until a little figure peered into the back seat. I was already feeling uneasy, having the back door open and wondering what was going on. This little 4 year old started to crawl into my car. I was telling him no, he was in the wrong car and his grandparents were giving me this look as if I somehow had something to do with it. I had visions of OMG, I am going to be on the news for attempting to take some kid. I laughed when they finally realized he thought it was their car, which was parked next to mine and was a similar model and color. When I told my sister, she was laughing saying that would be unnerving, but she can assure these grandparents that no, I was actually already attempting to get away from my own kids for a day, there is no way I wanted more kids in that moment.

We had a good laugh about it and I told her that the thing was, my first fear was not that, TBH. I was more worried that the kid would run out into the parking lot, which was so incredibly busy. The M part of me was kicking in.

The rest of the drive was perfect. We drove past the house my sister and BIL lived before they had kids and moved to where they live now. It was in the completely opposite direction and farther away than they are now. My sister and I got all nostalgic about her time there. We drove past the Dunkin Donuts where she got coffee every morning. She actually sold her little sporty car to the kid who worked there, when he just happened to ask her if she would consider selling her car, because he loved it. What made us laugh was the timing of it all, as the day he asked was about a week after she called to tell me she was pregnant and would have to get a bigger car so she needed to sell that car, and hated doing so, as she loved it.

My M and kids left me alone for the most part. They checked in a couple of times, but it helped that they realized where I was, there is horrible cell service, so they didn't really attempt it. I was grateful for the break.

I wasn't home for 5 minutes when reality struck. My M bombarded me the minute I came through the door. D fired off a couple of texts about my plans for today. S, he just checked in to let me know he had laundry in the washing machine and he would switch it over when he came home.

I got up this morning and it was like I hadn't gone away at all. I was feeling a little bit of resentment towards Xh, TBH. I was angry that I don't even get to take a day away without coming back and being the one having to deal with all of it on my own. I felt like I didn't really have a choice in any of this. Which is not entirely true. We all have choices. Xh simply chose to not be a F or H anymore and left me holding the bag. I too could have walked away from it. Instead, I picked up his load and my own, because the kids are the ones that really didn't get a true say in it.

It is hard not to feel that bitterness and resentment bubble up at times. I just refuse to let it take over. I changed my thought process a little this morning and realized that the kids are going back to school and that is going to really ease the pressure day to day. There will be other stresses, but it will level out some.

The reality also is, I am very fortunate. I live in an area that allows me to do a lot. Financially, it is affordable and I can go places that are completely different pretty quickly. Yesterday, we were in the middle of the mountains within 3 hours and it was an easy trip up and back. It can be done in a day or overnight and my car gets really good gas mileage, so it wasn't outrageously expensive to take those types of trips.

We noticed the leaves were already starting to change some in that region, so a return trip seems like a good plan.

It made me think in the grand scheme though. I just need to reset my own brain again. I shouldn't feel bad about taking a day for myself like yesterday. I started to feel a little of that resentment this morning when it was the line of questioning coming at me. It was in part my own feelings of guilt that really came from Xh in MLC initially. Those words that I didn't deserve to go away or I shouldn't do this or that until I had done something. I was treated like a little kid who needed to finish their chores first in MLC by Xh. Looking back it was his way of controlling things and keeping me from doing things on my own or with him, because he was sneaking off with Schmoopie. I have to continually remind myself of that little bit. I work my a$$ off and okay, sometimes, I need to stay home and finish this or that. But, it is equally important for me to give myself time to do things that fill my soul. I need play time too. I shouldn't feel guilty about that.

[MourningDove]

Tuesday was a busy day for me. I drove S's GF to work and then came home and dove into working on the house. And, I had a bit of a change of heart by then and was actually enjoying myself. Maybe the time away on Sunday helped, but in part, I also changed my whole attitude for the day.

I moved the mitre saw outside under the back deck awning, where it is cool and realized quickly that for now, I can leave it set up with a tarp over it and it is protected from any rain, so it can remain there for a bit while I work. It is not my dream to have the saw become a permanent furnishing on my back deck, but it made life that much easier. And, frankly that part of the back deck remains shaded most of the day, so in this extreme heat, it made for a rather enjoyable experience being outside.

By late afternoon, I had to stop and pick up my framing that I had done. It had been completed the week before, but with all of the rain storms we had been having the frame shop asked if I wanted to wait to pick things up, which made more sense. When I arrived at the shop, the owner laughed and said my two pieces got a lot of attention. One gentleman saw the one print and wanted to know if I wanted to part with it. He left his business card. The other one, the bull fighting poster - well that was a whole other story in and of itself.

She said one of her regular customers came in and saw the poster, which looks stunning all framed. He is an older gentleman and a bit eccentric she informs me. She said he immediately got an edge on him and asked where she got that particular piece. She said it belonged to a customer. She said he got this look on his face and said it was his. She knows me pretty well and said he had to be mistaken. She was laughing telling me about this story because she wondered how she was going to get this man to realize that this was not his poster. He went on to say he had that poster and loaned it to someone years ago and they never gave it back. As luck would have it, another customer had come in who knew the gentleman and told him he was mistaken. He remembered the poster in question and it was not as large as that one and the stance was different, etc. It had hung at a local bar for many years and when it closed no one knows what happened to the contents, but he knew the owner and perhaps they could reach out to him and track his.

I had no reason to feel uncomfortable about this, but I did. It is the reason I would never make a good criminal - LOL. I laughed and said I was going to run to my car and drive home with this as quickly as possible before more trouble erupts with this poster. She laughed.

I thought on the way home how I had the kid nearly get in my car and now this. What is going on? The universe is testing me. LOL

The poster though, OMG. I am so incredibly happy with it. I had to put it in a safe place, because the space I want to hang it is in the line of traffic with my reconstruction and I don't want to damage it. My F has not seen it yet, but he is going to just love it.

When I came home my phone rang. It was my coordinator at the college. I had two classes lined up for Fall. Things seemed to be going in the right direction. Hah. Nope. The college decided to cut classes where the numbers were not quite at the level they wanted. It is still early in the final push for class registration, and my coordinator is livid. There are students needing classes and she wants me back on campus, but without these classes - I am SOL. She has my back though and I respect her for being honest with me, unlike the other situation. She said she is still going to push to put them back on the books because there are students who need these classes for their degree to be complete. I could feel myself just feeling sick and defeated. WTF is going on.

This isn't new. The waiting game is something I have been used to with registration and enrollment. The problem is, I always had other things going on to supplement and to ride it out. Surgery and the pandemic really derailed things. And, yes, I know there are lots of jobs out there. I am not afraid to work. I have no problem taking a job just to pay the bills if I need to, but right now, I need that mental stimulation that teaching provided. And, frankly, it is working on my insecurities at the moment. It is making me feel like I am back at the point where I was when BD hit, where life suddenly felt upended. It is not a good feeling.

I woke up yesterday and tried to remind myself that I have things that have to happen right now that I can't change. I need some flexibility right now and so that means I will have to figure out some solution that can work. I fought my emotions yesterday morning. I knew a walk would not calm me down, as I was in the type of headspace that a walk would in fact make it worse. So, I threw myself into working on the house and doing something physical where I needed to concentrate. It took me way longer than it should have, because I had to fight to keep myself from thinking and needed to focus on my measurements and the like. By the end of the day, I didn't have any answers. I simply felt better.

I won't lie. The first thoughts I had yesterday morning were how much I resented Xh in that moment. He has so cavalierly walked away from this in his MLC. All the responsibility and I was angry that I am in this position, largely because of this crisis BS. I had paid S's tuition that he needed help with. The portion that Xh was supposed to pay. I had to deal with D and what she needed help with. The ongoing repairs that were MLC induced. And on and on. I was angry at Xh and I felt like a failure across the board.

But those were simply my emotions running amok. In reality, I cannot blame Xh for all that is wrong with the scenario. It was easy to put the blame there. His MLC has created some of these issues, but it doesn't matter. The real truth is, blaming him for any of it is far from helpful for me. It might be part of the reality, but it doesn't solve anything. I am someone who likes to find solutions. I was wasting too much energy starting to fall into that victim, trapped mode. Self pity was not going to change a dang thing.

This morning, I felt better. I am not blissfully unaware of the fears I have at the moment. They are there, but I know in my heart that I will find some solution, even temporary if need be to get over this hurdle. My sister shocked me when her suggestion was she thinks this is a sign that I need to focus on my painting and being creative. I laughed and asked her if she had been drinking Mimosas this morning.  She laughed and said that no, but with the day she had ahead of her she might need one by of the day.

Right in this moment, all I can do is focus on my immediate short term goals. I need to get past this week before I focus on solving my problems. The primary focus for this week is to get through Friday night and make sure S is ready with his college gear. This weekend, I plan on just shutting down my brain and regroup. I am not going to solve anything if I can't quiet my brain with jumbled fears.

[MourningDove]

Anyone who truly knows me well, knows that I never resented stepping back from my career and being a M. It was never expected of me. That is, it was a mutual decision made when after S was born and I went back to work full time. Xh was building his business and it was taking off and S was being watched at SIL's house by her nanny, while I was at work. S was in good hands, but it made little sense. After nearly a year Xh and I sat down and looked at the finances and laughed. By the time we factored in travel and paying for a nanny, etc, I was clearing only a small amount of money that made no real financial impact on our life and dropping S off at 7 am so I could be to work and then by the time we were home, it was already 6 pm. It was then when Xh and I said something had to change. With Xh's business, he had some flexibility, but not enough to make it work, so we decided I would stay home.

Of course in MLC, that was thrown in my face. Apparently, I was the one who decided that all on my own.  In MLC it was twisted that I was so fortunate to have all the time with the kids and blah, blah, blah. A whole new spin from the man who made time for us to spend time together during his day and would tell everyone how fortunate he was. That I was a great mom and on and on. He was very proud of what we were doing as a family. And, he had plenty of freedom. So much so, that many of his married friends would say they were jealous. But, we were a team. When I took on teaching night classes at the college, Xh was the first to step up and make it work. He gave me time to paint. When the kids started school, I would volunteer at the school from time to time and then started helping Xh with his business, doing illustrations for his projects. It wasn't perfect, but it worked for the most part for both of us.

I am grateful I had that ability to have my primary job be a M. I don't regret it and most days loved being able to be a parent. But, I am not going to go around and say that every day was a joy and perfect. It wasn't. There were days I just wondered what life would have been like if I had kept up my career path. Usually it was on those days when life just went into overdrive and I needed a break from the 24/7 M role.

I never understood those people who would tell me they could not wait until their kids were 18 so they could push them out the door. I still don't. I love my kids, but I am ready for them to leave the nest. I miss them when they aren't around, that is not it.

I was trying to explain it to a friend of mine. I have been a single mom now for a long time. When FIL moved in, my Xh became less of a partner for me. He was involved with the kids, that isn't it. There was a shift though in the mentality and FIL is the changing factor. FIL's influence changed the dynamic. If FIL had his way I would have quit driving and been barefoot and pregnant for years is my guess. He liked independent women on the one hand, but that was only when it came to women who weren't his W. Xh was never like that prior to all of this, but it changed over time and then MLC kicked in. Suddenly, my job teaching, because it was a couple of classes was frivolous. My painting, suddenly was not viewed as a money maker, but as a hobby. Funny, considering at that time that was expressed, I had just completed a series of paintings for labels for one of Xh's clients that showed up in a magazine article.

I chalked it up to he was "going through something" and was jealous of the attention. Stupidly, as MLC rolled in, I gave up my painting for a time. I found myself trying to become the version of June Cleaver Xh suddenly wanted. Something he would have never wanted before. It's easy to look back and shake my head at how incredibly crazy it all was.

Xh pretty much became a bachelor in MLC leaving me to not only for a long time deal with his F, but also the kids. My sister said it the other day, I have been playing single parent for a long time now.

Trying to explain to my friend that it is not like her situation. She is not looking forward to the kids moving out at all. But, it is different. She has an X that is involved in her kids' lives and hasn't had to suddenly do it on her own. Something she recognizes. She has had more freedom than I have had when it comes to her kids. She has had breaks and still help on some level. I am frankly, just exhausted.

Yes, my kids are young adults. They do an awful lot to pitch in and they are pretty self sufficient. I was an empty nester all at once the one year when both kids decided to go away for college. It was an adjustment, but I found that the time alone helped me grow more. It gave me freedom I hadn't had in such a long time.

This is not about being completely independent. It is not about me not wanting my kids around at all.

Part of it is me being happy that they are growing and getting on track with some sense of normal in their lives. Between Xh blowing up their world and then the pandemic, life is returning to semi-normal for them. I want them to become productive adults. I will admit though, that this morning as S drove off, I will miss him, but I felt relief.

Now, what confuses people is, today, I have S's friends who are probably showing up to work on a truck that I gave them permission to temporarily store on my property. Temporarily - LOL. I love having kids around. I just think what I need a break from is the houseful of 20 something year olds that have been here since the pandemic hit. I am tired of being M right now in the sense that I am it.

I try very hard to make the kids work things out, but D came in and started venting about something in regards to S. She had a valid complaint and I was probably going to have to referee this one, as it impacted me. But, I found myself wanting to tell both kids they needed to find an apartment and move out. I was over it last night. And, the thing is, I have had it pretty easy. I just wanted to come home from a long day yesterday and sit on my back deck and decompress.

I will look forward to having some sense of space. D will be coming and going and S will be here on the weekends. Maybe that is really what this is about. I have been holed up with these kids and being the sole parent for such a long stretch that I am just wanting to be a bit selfish. I shouldn't feel guilty about that, but I do right now.

I will ponder that as I drink my cup of coffee this morning in silence on my back deck.

[FaithWalker]

Our backgrounds are similar with being at home M, and feeling like a single M for a long time.  I feel ya.

[MourningDove]

FaithWalker - 

It has been such an odd experience, being shoved into the single parent role, with not only a former spouse who doesn't want to co-parent, but he has done a remarkable job trying to derail my attempts with his antics that it is mind-blowing.

I worked on D's room yesterday for the bulk of the day working on those final little time consuming details. It has been such a long process with these renovations. The delays in finding materials has been a hurdle and there were so many hiccups with that particular room. It is not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I have learned a great deal and am pretty proud of what I have figured out on my own. Yesterday's great accomplishment was repairing the window in D's room.

The windows in the house are all new, having been replaced over the years we have lived here. The ones in the front of the house though, had one area that has rotted out in the corner. I was grumbling about it, but my sister, who lives in a newer home and built by a very good contractor informed me that she has had to have a contractor out several times to repair a wooden door with the same issue. So, I felt better. I pondered what to do with this corner on the window. It is not terribly large, but the wood was definitely soft and needed to be addressed. It is a perfectly good window otherwise, so replacing it completely seemed silly. So, I did some research.

My solution, I laughed when my sister informed me it was the same one the contractor used for her door finally and there haven't been any problems for several years now, was to fill it with fiberglass and paint the outside. Heck, I have used fiberglass many times and although I am a bit of a purist, the windows are painted on the outside anyways. So, I spent a good part of yesterday, building up and sanding the small 1/2" by 2 " area. D was shocked and sent S a picture. Both laughed at me. I would have painted it today, but the thunderstorms rolled in.

While I was waiting on D's window to dry in between layers, I would work on the trim and touch ups. I usually plan these things out, but I realized very quickly that I had literally painted myself into a corner. I was alone, so I sat and laughed at my stupidity. I decided to take the opportunity to just sit and think about my next plan of attack and enjoy the silence. I would have sat for a very long time, except I had made the mistake of drinking several glasses of water and of course that meant having to figure out a way to make it out of my corner without disrupting the fresh paint. I am grateful neither kid was there to not only witness it, but to document the absurdity of it all. 

When I went up to my parent's house to shower for the second time yesterday, my M was waiting. They had been very busy the past couple of days and my contact with them had been pretty minimal. I was ready to run back out the door. My M was in overdrive. She had a huge list of things to cover with me, and none were pressing matters. I was under siege though. I was getting aggravated and it is pushing me to really go into lockdown and get the bathroom finished next. It dawned on me on the walk back to the house that this whole attack mode my mom was in made sense. Her surgery is Tuesday and she is nerved up and worried about being laid up for 5 days. She hates being in a situation where she is unable to do anything at all. And the other thing was, S had left for school. My M loves all of her grandchildren, but we all admit, she has a very special bond with S and that is because when he was first born he was colicky. He had his days and nights flipped and in order for me to get some rest so I could go to work, she was there to give me time to sleep when Xh was at meetings. She spent hours with S and he was such an easy baby otherwise.

One of the things that got my dander up was my M babying my sister and saying she didn't have to drive down to help out this coming week. Oh, hell no. I told her that I was not going to be the only one pitching in. I have my own things that have to be addressed and I am happy to help out, but there was no reason my sister cannot come to help. I didn't want to hear how busy she is, or how it is too far for her to drive. My sister was not the one saying these things, it was my M. I told my M that my sister goes out to lunch with her friends at least once a week and goes to her one friend's house which is nearly 2 hours away at least once a month. I didn't want to hear it was too far or too much for her. I called my sister when I came home, who laughed. She is busy this week with her D's practices, but she knows my F is going to need time away as am I.

My M had gone so far as to suggest she could manage on her own. That made my sister and I laugh. Um, no. The last time she was dizzy with her changing eyesight the first couple of days. Then there was the incident where we caught her sweeping the kitchen floor when she was supposed to be resting. Her excuse was she was bored. So, my sister will come down over the weekend and help out. It will give me an opportunity to go hiking at a nature center and check out an art exhibit at the nature center that a friend of mine is participating in.

I slept incredibly well last night. The house was quiet with everyone gone. I miss having someone around, I won't lie, but the break from the kids was a nice change. I was able to get up this morning and not worry about who was downstairs and I could walk around half dressed if I wanted to. By the time I was dressed, D came through the door. She has changed her mind about the bed that I set up. I agree with her, the bed overpowers her room. Of course, she was also trying to figure out how it got up there in the first place since S was not home. Yah, I misbehaved a tiny bit and figured out how to slide the headboard and footboard up the stairs without damaging the furniture or myself. It was rather stupid - I admit it, but I was frustrated and want my house back. It was one of my very stubborn moments. I will fully own it. After all of that, we are going back to the idea of a platform bed for her and put this one in storage, as it is a really high quality frame and she said she would like to keep it for any future apartment or house for herself.

D asked if I wanted to with her to a farmer's market that is held every Sunday. I have never been to this particular one and I didn't tell D why I haven't gone. She thought I didn't know about it or where it was. I most certainly did, but I didn't tell her why I have essentially avoided it for years. In fact, I have avoided that particular road it is on for years now. At first, I purposely avoided it and after awhile, I just found other ways to go places if I was near there. It wasn't something I thought about anymore.

D gave me directions on how to get there, but I already knew the route all too well. I had travelled it for years because a friend of Xh's and mine lived on that stretch of road. Later that friend moved away and I would only take that road on occasion. It would be when Xh went into MLC when this road would make me physically ill to go on. The public market is held right across the street from the mediator Xh hired for our initial split. I sat in that office staring at the parking lot across the way where that market is held and would just cringe. Today, I wasn't apprehensive. In fact, I saw the sign for the office for the mediator and just shook my head thinking how grateful I actually was for that mediator, who kept throwing me hints to get an attorney. They were professional, but when Xh tried to pull things and I was just shell shocked, the mediator said several times that they would suggest we both have our attorneys review the documents before signing anything. And when I was leaving one afternoon, Xh had already gone to his car, the mediator told me that they had been through a similar situation as mine and were happily remarried and life would get better. Looking back, I know they realized I was dealing with something other than an unhappy spouse.

Today, none of that really filtered in. I noted how life has gotten so much better in many ways. I would have been so incredibly unhappy living with this version of my Xh. It has been difficult and sad at times, but I am in a much better place in so many ways, even though I am facing challenges.

The market was really lovely and D and I took our time driving home. I passed by a couple of places that made me smile, as I thought about the last time I was there.

I was cleaning off my desk in the library and there sat the last envelope from Xh's last support payment. It had gotten stuck to a notebook I had been using for notes for the house construction. I paused before shredding the envelope. The extra bit of money is certainly going to be missed in the sense that the timing sucks. But, that is not a huge concern. I have a sense of relief, TBH that I no longer have to deal with Xh in that regard. It is another thread cut away where he can't jerk me around.

Part of me laughed though, as I watched it go through the shredder. I am going to miss making the ladies at the bank laugh. Laughing through the whose name would be on the check was about the only way I survived the insanity of that experience.

I am no longer going to avoid that road, BTW. I think it is time to rediscover that route. I need to take back those remaining areas that were once off limits. There aren't many, as I have conquered most of them, but a handful remain. There is only one place I will probably always avoid, and that is the restaurant/hotel where Xh and OW would meet up. I don't think I can stomach that place. And not because of OW or Xh, as much as I don't want remember the hurt. But, then who knows? Life is unpredictable.

[stillbaffled]

I was cleaning off my desk in the library and there sat the last envelope from Xh's last support payment. It had gotten stuck to a notebook I had been using for notes for the house construction. I paused before shredding the envelope. The extra bit of money is certainly going to be missed in the sense that the timing sucks. But, that is not a huge concern. I have a sense of relief, TBH that I no longer have to deal with Xh in that regard. It is another thread cut away where he can't jerk me around.

Part of me laughed though, as I watched it go through the shredder. I am going to miss making the ladies at the bank laugh. Laughing through the whose name would be on the check was about the only way I survived the insanity of that experience.

MD - I'm also going to miss reading about those checks and what name would be on them.  But, hey.....another hurdle cleared and you're still rolling forward. 

[UrsaMajor]

Oh! What a pity! No more "Name du jour" for us to laugh about....

But somehow I can imagine how satisfying seeing that envelope being shredded was, especially if there was no check inside...

[MourningDove]

stillbaffled & UrsaMajor - The "name du jour" was fun to laugh at and the only way I knew how to cope with the insanity. I know some would say it is somehow cruel or it means I don't have any compassion. It is difficult to somehow make sense of the whole thing. So many emotions were wrapped up in that support check over the years.

The end of support came on D's 21st birthday. Technically, there should have been a support check for August, but I am not going to somehow pursue that. It isn't worth the heartache that would come with it, TBH. D had said to me recently that she is sad and glad about the support ending. Sad, because it was the only thing that was her "contact" with Xh now. Yet, she is glad that the control part is gone. He cut all the other ties by himself. This is the only control he had left.

My M had her surgery and I spent the entire day with my parents. My F and I found a place nearby and had coffee while the surgery being performed. We had a nice visit and my F said he was nervous, but the surgery needed to happen. He indicated that my M has been keeping from all of us how bad her vision had become. It was making her very depressed. I told him I knew that she has not been herself at all.

Later, we checked in and my M had gone into recovery, so we went back out, as it was already way past lunch time. My F usually takes a nap after lunch before returning to his studio. He looked exhausted. I was shocked he suggested McDonald's as he was thinking about a vanilla shake. It is not his usual fare. But, I soon realized it was because that was closest to the surgical center and he didn't want to go too far away.

The young woman that waited on us was very pleasant. My F went to sit down as I waited for our order and she asked me if that was my F. I responded it was and she got tears in her eyes. She said she is used to seeing little kids come in with parents, but it was so rare to see an adult come in with their parent and it made her miss her dad. I had to smile and think about how lucky I am.

I convinced my F to let me drive home so he could rest. He didn't argue with me and he was grateful I drove as there was a huge traffic jam and I knew a couple of alternate routes that got us out of long wait.

When we arrived at their home, I was scolding my M, not in a nasty manner, but being tough with her. She was wandering about when she needed to be lying down. She told me I could go home, but I said I was staying so my F could go rest. It was a good thing I stayed. My M ended up getting sick from the anesthesia and complained about a headache. I figured it was from being dehydrated, but called the doctor much to my M's chagrin. The doctor was concerned about the headache as well and had us meet her at the office late in the evening. When all was said and done and we were back home, my M thanked me for taking her because if nothing else, it reassured her and the doctor gave her some different instructions to help her relax. The doctor called later that evening to check on her. The doctor told my M that she was glad that we had come in, because she would have felt horrible if my M had been sick all night long and not bothered to call her.

It would be the next morning when my F and I were sitting at the kitchen table. He paused a conversation we were having, about nothing important and told me he is amazed by me. I had to laugh. I wondered where this was going. He said that he knows my M and I butt heads, but he watched me take care of her. Yes, there were moments I was tough, but he said he saw me help her walk, realizing she was incredibly shaky. He saw me wipe her face when she was so weak that she spilled her drink on herself. He said I never complained and in those moments I didn't somehow make her feel embarrassed. It is clear how deeply I love people who I let into my life. He then laughed and asked if he has recently noted what a fool Xh is and the next man in my life will be a very lucky one.

And, I know I can be tough or blunt. But, yes, I am a big softie underneath it all. Xh, when we had been together for several years told me he had never met anyone with as big of a heart as mine. It would be the same type of sentiment that would come back and bite me in MLC. In MLC, I cared too much about others. LOL.

I spent the following day mowing just wiped out. My sister and D took turns caring for my M and took her to her follow up appointment. Afterwards they "Nana-sat" and spent the day with her. It gave my F time to work in his studio and for me to get some things done at home.

I spent the entire day mowing the lawn. We have had such a consistent pattern of rain and sunshine that the grass has been too wet to mow and the grass was so thick and lush that I had to cut it twice. It took several hours. By midday, the Fed X driver stopped. I know him by name, as he is in the neighborhood a great deal. He knew from the package that it was an order for S, so he was walking towards the garage to put it inside the door. I was walking back to the house and he was shocked I was mowing the lawn. I laughed. I asked him who should be doing it. He said my S. I cracked up. No - it is my house and if no one is there to help me, I am it.

I wasn't offended. It made me wonder though why it is so shocking to see a woman mowing the lawn. Is it glamorous? No. But, then I have never been one to shy away from getting things done. Yup, I might break a nail or two. Some days my nails are long and polished and then others not so much. I am not exactly losing sleep over it.

I mentioned it to a friend of mine. We both miss having a man around. She admitted she now owns a step ladder and jar opener. I laughed. I told her I have the same issue. But we both said it is how we survive and our reasons for missing a man being around really have nothing to do with chores. We both miss the companionship and having a partner.

I don't mind mowing the lawn. I never have. I used to do it before the kids were born. Xh took over when the kids were little. It was never and "assigned" task somehow. I had at times mowed the lawn and he made dinner.

Frankly, I was rather enjoying it the other day. I left my cell phone in the house and checked it once in awhile, but the rest of the time, I put on S's headphones and just listened to music as I tackled that task. It was a nice escape. Oh sure, I forgot about the one garden hose that was hooked up to the irrigation system for the garden and ran over it. Never liked that hose anyways. 

The house is overwhelming at times. But, I accept that I wanted the house because I was trying to keep part of my life. With that has come all the responsibilities that owning a home has. I have been fortunate in that I have people who have helped me out. Yet, I realize that I have had to fight through some things on my own. I have had to learn new things. It has helped me grow and survive.

Part of the reason these thoughts are rolling through my head is because I have been fighting a huge trigger, TBH. I don't really think too much about BD 1 or 2. I don't know the exact dates, but Xh was consistent and chose both times to be the first day of school which was always around Labor Day. He made it hard to truly forget. And, I don't usually get too upset anymore. But, between my M's surgery and knowing someone wasin the flood zone the other night has made for some sleepless nights. I am tired. Which is a big ingredient for a trigger.

What almost pushed it over the edge was a Facebook post. A friend of mine and Xh's posted an anniversary wish to his W. It was the last event Xh and I attended together. And, I have seen this friend's posts before. I recall the event pretty vividly and it doesn't upset me normally. But, in this post, were pictures from his wedding and there in the background were Xh and I. Seeing Xh didn't upset me.

I have been fighting my insecurities a bit. It is normal. I had to dress to adjust my attitude a little today. D was not impressed by my music selection this morning, which was a lot of songs that make me feel like I can fight the day. I guess battle cries of sorts.

What I have come to realize over the past few days in particular is that I spent so much time of the MLC worried about Xh and his feelings. I realize how much now that I neglected myself. That is, I felt feelings, but I didn't really focus on why I was feeling the way I was. I too quickly, was worried solely about Xh. How he was falling apart.

When I saw that picture on Facebook it was hard to see my own image. We had fun that weekend, but I knew something was terribly wrong but I had no clue what would follow. Within a couple of days I would know. I can recall the moment Xh came out as I was eating breakfast out on the back deck. Both kids had left for school and I was thinking about my classes that were to begin that morning.

I am allowing myself to feel whatever I need to. I am fighting the insecurities and being told by the MLC monster how undesirable I would be to another man. I am laughing. Well, I guess whatever man comes along had best be okay with me mowing the lawn and a woman who like her friend, has a jar opener and a step ladder on hand as well.