[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor - LOL. Yes, Ghost of Christmas Past, indeed. Fortunately, he won't continue to haunt me.

As for my sass returning. Hmmm. It did for a bit, but I must admit I have been out of commission today.

Yesterday, while I was out I decided to get my shingles shot. I have been avoiding it and twice last week I heard from friends of mine who came down with it and said they were both in excruciating pain. I have had enough fun with pain and the like prior to my surgery, so while I was out I swung by the pharmacy. The pharmacist said the vaccination can make some people very fatigued, achy and sometimes a fever comes with it. My sister confirmed she had that experience. Last night, I took some ibuprofen and put ice on the area. I felt fine. And, first thing this morning, I was feeling okay.

I was up early and walking around the kitchen at 7:30 am when suddenly I felt as if my legs were weighed down by cement and could have curled up on the floor like the cat in the sunshine and just napped. I was overcome by fatigue and a headache that came on. I drank lots of fluids and tried to ignore how I was feeling. After about an hour, I gave in and realized that I should just listen to my body.

I slept for hours. D came home from her classes and she was concerned. I hadn't told her about having gotten the shot, so she was worried I had caught her cold. She was feeling much better and took to taking care of me, even though I told her I was fine. She went to the store and picked up makings for a pot pie for dinner. That is her go-to fall/winter comfort food.

I was going stir crazy just lying around, yet I had no energy. I gathered up some files out of the file cabinet and purged the paperwork that no longer is necessary. Warranties that no longer apply, etc. I needed to accomplish something.

My M called a short time ago. She was telling me about a friend of ours whose W fits the MLC script to a T. It has been quite a long time since the W up and left. It would seem that the Xh has finally decided to move on. My M is upset that the Xh has a GF now and I asked why it was so upsetting, because the man waited for his Xw and wanted to work things out. He just decided he wanted to move on. My M's response was "but I so liked his W". I told her I did too, but that was a different person and it's okay to feel bad about the situation but she shouldn't be upset the man is moving on with his life nor should this GF be somehow disliked. The GF, it turns out is a friend this man has known for years. She didn't break up the marriage. She is widowed and was a good friend to him.

The question I had for my M was did this scenario apply to me as well? Because I haven't had any notion of reconciling with my Xh for a very long time. It is not in the cards. She paused and thought about it. I asked her if it bothered her that I want to move on. Strangely, it didn't bother her in the same manner and it shocked me after her earlier response, since she and Xh were so very close. She said that no, she has seen what Xh has done to me and to the kids, so she can understand why I would want to move past that. And, she would have no problem with anyone I get involved, even if they have been in my life before all of this, because she realizes it was not a factor in the demise of my marriage.

I hadn't mentioned seeing that former BF last night to her, but it would seem she found out. I know how. My cousin still sees this guy regularly. I anticipated it would come back that we had run into each other. Seems my cousin had lunch with this friend today and then my cousin mentioned it to my aunt. I sort of laughed to myself. It wasn't some big event or newsworthy. My M had all sorts of questions. I knew she was potentially concerned. She knew I was smitten with him back then, but she also knows his more recent history. It is no secret that he and his W have both kicked over the traces several times. I assured my M that I was not all doe-eyed and it was not going to go anywhere beyond a moment of reminiscing so she need not worry herself, even if the man is still very easy on the eyes after all of these years.

I didn't give him a whole lot of thought after journaling about it. I went on to other thoughts last night and for me it was more of a moment of just thinking about where life has lead me. He is part of my past and helped lead me to who I am now.

I know I am not built to just run off and flit around. I feel too deeply for that, even though I miss the physical contact with someone immensely. I also know that I need that in a relationship and I need that physical chemistry as part of that overall connection. I have experienced it and yet, it somehow that next progression seems to elude me. Just when I think I should throw my hands up and settle for companionship and less, something stops me.

Even if that former BF were available and didn't have the history of bedding other women down during his marriage, I don't think I would have been tempted. He was someone I knew when I was all of 16 or 17 and I am not that young teenage girl at all anymore. It is not like we were a couple for months on end and had some deep connection. He was probably just what I would categorize at that point as a crush.

If anything, it was nice to perhaps be recognized and have the trip down memory lane. Beyond that - he is just someone I used to know.

[UrsaMajor]

The question I had for my M was did this scenario apply to me as well? Because I haven't had any notion of reconciling with my Xh for a very long time. It is not in the cards. She paused and thought about it. I asked her if it bothered her that I want to move on. Strangely, it didn't bother her in the same manner and it shocked me after her earlier response, since she and Xh were so very close. She said that no, she has seen what Xh has done to me and to the kids, so she can understand why I would want to move past that. And, she would have no problem with anyone I get involved, even if they have been in my life before all of this, because she realizes it was not a factor in the demise of my marriage.

I guess the obvious question then is what is different about his situation as compared to yours? I mean, at some point, one can either decide to get on with their lives or one waits but either way, that is not going to bring the Mid-Lifer back any sooner if at all.... and that is one of the consequences the mid-lifer has to accept... that the LBS may not be there waiting for them, sitting on the porch in a pile of used Kleenexes and crocheting lace doilies waiting for them to get their head out of their .... fog...

As far as the Ghost of Christmas Past goes, news sure travels fast, doesn't it? I guess that means that you do NOT want to be dancing around the apple orchard in the moonlight in your birthday suit or mom will hear about it... <snort>  and someone with a history of .... well, let's just call it "serial indescretions" is probably NOT someone that is going to be of much interest....

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor - do not give me any ideas about running around the orchard sans clothing. It would have to be at night considering the bees are way too active right now. I am sure the deer that show up at night would not be terribly happy with me though.

As for my M knowing about something along those lines, it is actually funny. Because she checks in with me, and finds some things out, the proximity of our houses isn't the reason for that. She knows far less than she realizes and frankly, she doesn't really get involved in every facet of my life. The news about my former BF I knew would get back to her rapidly. I just didn't think it would be that fast. Had my cousin not had lunch with him yesterday, it would not have gotten back as quickly. My cousin, who is nothing like his M, is the son of Toxic Aunt. If you have ever seen the show "Bewitched" from many years ago my Toxic Aunt is a whole lot like the character Mrs. Kravitz - the nosy neighbor. My M seems to know this, but then because it is her only sibling she sometimes fails to see my aunt's desire to stir the pot.

My M has this seemingly endless supply of wanting to believe everyone can change and sees the potential for goodness almost to a fault. I often wish I wasn't nearly as suspicious of some people. But, I will also argue that for me, cutting toxic and negative people from my life has been a good thing.

If I were to run about my orchard in my birthday suit, my M would not be upset with my actions per se. She would be more concerned about how my neighbors would react than with me running about nude.

As for the friend and this reaction from my M - I am really not sure why she reacted that way. I suspect in some ways it is because she doesn't know as much as I do about the situation with this couple. I don't know all of the details but I have a better understanding of why the man decided he wasn't waiting around. It is not like he didn't give himself time to make that decision. This woman he is dating was a friend he has known for a long time. She didn't swoop in and have any intention of luring him away. And I also understand it from her perspective. I have found myself in the same situation. I feel bad for the XW if she decides she screwed up and would want him back, but that is on her. Her now XH shouldn't be criticized for moving on. Only he knows how much he could take.

I finally feel better after my vaccination. The fatigue lingered as did the mild headache into the evening. I went to bed early and this morning I felt considerably better. I was making coffee and D wanted to talk. I listened, but in all honesty, I really wanted a quiet morning so I could somehow think about my plan of attack for the day, since yesterday was lost.

D, she is loving being back in on campus classes. The problem is she is having some issues that are all too familiar. D is an extremely driven student. I was the same way - self imposed expectations. I understand that part well. And I was a good student. D though she has been a mature and brilliant student since grade school. Her teachers all have said from day one that she is extremely smart. It has been a blessing and a curse on several levels. She doesn't always know how to allow for failures. And others try to take advantage of her because she is the smart one in class. It makes it hard for her to know who really wants to be a friend or who wants to get to know her because she takes amazing notes. Or the ones who resent her because she truly understands the content. She is frustrated. She wants to help others and she doesn't brag about her work. And, to be clear - she works her butt off. She puts in countless hours studying on campus in the lab. She thrives in that academic environment. It is nothing new.

It started when her lab partner, who D likes suddenly is asking D for her notes because the lab partner doesn't understand the content. D would tutor her and help her, but D said it is starting to feel like she wants D to do the work for her. It would seem that in Anatomy, the others are struggling and barely passed the last test. D, she got a perfect score. And, to add to the mix, D looks like several professors favorite, because she has a good rapport with them, but she makes efforts to go in to their offices during the day to ask questions about content, etc. She is a sponge.

I was grateful that she said her one professor talked to her about all of this yesterday. He reminds me of the professor I had who told me about the concept of the "three drawers". He told her that she is in a tough spot, but she will find friends who don't see her as a threat or a free ride. He said she is a tough nut in that others see her as incredibly intimidating due to her knowledge. He said he too was much like she was at that age and it can be isolating.

She left for classes and she seems okay. I told her that I could only give her so much advice, but it dawned on me that the one she should talk to is probably BIL. I can relate in some ways, but I was in such a different field of study that it was harder for others to use me - my art projects couldn't be shared like notes. BIL, I am sure could help her. D has mentioned going to visit he and my SIL over break and I think I am going to encourage that.

She has a busy weekend and is going with her BF to a college football game. His college and her college are playing each other, so that should be fun. D needs something social to do.

I am going to take advantage of my weekend and find something fun to do - that is if I can make up for losing yesterday and knock off some more things from my list. 

[MourningDove]

I believe Treasur calls them Post-it Notes from God…

It is no secret I have been struggling on and off with where I am at in my career and what I am supposed to be doing. It has made me question at times if I somehow was not good at my job in the past, which is silly, but sometimes those monkeys come along and play games with your own mind.

I had answered a message on Facebook earlier when one of my former students reached out. He has been a bright spot quite often. I had given him my FIL's antique camera when he was a student. He had so very little and asked for nothing. When I found out he loved old cameras and was taking photos with film, I knew that camera needed to go to him.

He had taken a trip earlier this summer across country and had taken some photos with that camera. He is never going to be another Ansel Adams, but it doesn't matter to me. He truly loves that camera and it is a great hobby for him. He had told me about the trip earlier this summer. Today, he wanted to share some of the photos and to catch me up on how he is doing at college. He said I was one of the people who pushed him and he is so grateful. It was then he mentioned one other student that I have often thought about - his very best friend and a young woman that I will never forget.

She had come into my class that very first day I was teaching at the high school. Man she had a hard outside shell. She informed me she hated art and failed at her other school. She was tough and determined to give me a hard time. My gut told me she was hiding something behind that hard exterior. Thing was, I knew the other art teacher quite well. I frankly believe that teacher should never have gone into teaching at all. She was rigid in her approach and pretty much hated any kid that might be a challenge. She didn't understand that some kids come in with baggage even most of us adults don't carry around. This young woman, she had every reason to hate the world for her circumstances. She was raising herself for the most part.

M lived across the street with a BF who was abusive. M left the young woman to fend for herself, often without food in the house. The young woman was not even 16. She babysat and saved up money. She shopped at second hand stores and had a good sense of fashion. One day though she showed up in her sister's maternity clothes. It concerned me, but I didn't ask. She offered up that her M had come and stolen her clothes from her. It was confirmed it was the case.

Of course, people would ask why CPS hand't been contacted. They had. There was little they could do. She had a roof over her head and she was almost 16 and the laws were murky.

Over the course of several months she would begin to drop the attitude with me. In part it was because I discovered she was incredibly talented and art was actually her escape at home. I found out what she liked doing and I tried to incorporate it into her assignments. I also realized she didn't always like producing in class in front of others. I knew she had very little access to materials, so I would give her my own supplies from home to borrow. I knew she would have been offended if I had given them to her. I didn't want her to ever feel like a charity case. I knew she needed that confidence. MLC taught me that I too needed that personal success sometimes to grab that self confidence.

It would come out in a very odd place - one of my college students happened to know her and told me a story that made me want to take that kid in and keep her safe. I was so angry. The young woman had been raped a few years before. This student only told me because she cared about her friend. It was in fact something I went to the school counselor about. The story was known and it was true. The mother had found out but refused to take the young woman for medical care and  my student refused to press charges out of fear. The friend who told me had been the one who rescued her from the situation in the first place. I remember, as a M thinking I could not fathom not getting my D help. It made me sick.

But, I knew I couldn't treat her differently as a student. I didn't baby her. I didn't tell her I knew her secret. I pushed her like every student I believed in, but there has always been a special place in my heart for her. It does happen. And maybe part of that is she always had a sassy spark. One I recognize. The difference was aside from MLC dropping on my doorstep, I had a pretty idyllic life. I made it my mission to help her harness that spark and work on getting her to realize that not everyone was out to get her, even those teachers who challenged her - to look at it from a different perspective.

She would go on to take my class two more times, just because it was a time when she could be creative. Some times she would show up during my other class and just hang out doing homework.

After the Covid shutdown, I lost track of her. Today, I had a message from this young woman after I asked her friend, my other former student to tell her hello. She and I messaged back and forth for a bit and then she said she wanted to thank me. She mentioned she knew she was really tough to deal with at times and she knew I cared about her like I did most of my students. She then said she wanted me to know that it was because of my kindness and treating her like she mattered, even sometimes challenging her attitude and not letting her get away with $h!te, that she sometimes came into my classes extra times. She wanted to thank me for letting her just be in a safe environment and it was then she sought out help from the counselor and now a therapist. She said she didn't want to be angry anymore.

She found her own apartment with a boyfriend, who I know. He is a good kid. She is working but wants to save up and go to college. She said she saved up to buy a car to get to work. She is still doing artwork and wants to show me some of them sometimes. It turns out she now lives not terribly far from one of my places I like to go driving. I told her to let me know her work schedule and I will make time to stop and see her. It was funny because she couldn't believe I would do that for her.

I wanted to cry. I assured her I not only would be honored to do that, but she had given me something today too - she returned the favor and let me know in her kindness that I mattered.

It doesn't answer my question of "what now". It does help me move past my wondering if I wasted my time doing what I had done - particularly at the high school.

Sometimes we need to be reminded that we do matter. It is not a quest for constant validation, but like it or not those reminders do help. For me it reminds me that my own actions also affect others and makes me want to continue to be a better version of myself.

[UrsaMajor]

I'm not cryin' YOU'RE Cryin'!

seriously, that kind of feedback makes up for a whole lot of sometimes....

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor - You don't know how glad I am that you chose an emoji over a GIF this time.  LOL

[MadLuv]

Wow, what a gift that was shared with you. You truly never know the impact you make everyday. I can’t imagine how emotional and gratifying to hear that. Thank you for sharing. It made my heart smile reading it.

[UrsaMajor]

UrsaMajor - You don't know how glad I am that you chose an emoji over a GIF this time.  LOL

Aw come on, you mean you didn't want a real picture of a steaming pile of ... Nahhhhh.. don't want to go there...

[MourningDove]

Thank you Tornup & UrsaMajor.  I will admit - I did cry and smile. I used to have more of those moments and reminders when I was in the classroom. I was grateful for the nudges those moments provided to remind me of things that were positive and good in life. The past year and a half have been much more isolating between Covid and the other hurdles. I needed that reminder yesterday.

My sister called a short time ago and is semi-laughing and yet annoyed with a situation that came up. She started her conversation with she now understands how I felt a bit when rumors would pop up about me after Xh left. She said she can see how stories get started very quickly.

Two people had come into her place of work from her neighborhood. They are usually very friendly, but they were a little standoffish today, not knowing how to quite act around my sister. Then one of them finally told my sister how she was so sorry and if there was anything she could do just ask - it is hard when a spouse leaves. My sister paused and thought a minute. She was nice and didn't laugh at the poor woman, but explained the situation. My BIL is not moving out.

They are having work done on their garage and everything has to come out of the garage and must be out of there for several days while the work is done and they had nowhere to put some of these things easily. So, the opted to rent a UHaul truck to store things in. The smaller truck would have fit everything inside, but it didn't come with a ramp and the company offered to give them a price break to rent the larger truck. My BIL said it made life easier to roll some of the items up the ramp and he could do the work himself that way.

I had joked that with so much left over room, they should decorate and make it a staycation and have a quiet adult evening.

My sister drove into her driveway and saw the giant U-Haul and started laughing as her H was loading up things. Yup, she could see how they got that idea. She asked me though why some of these people, who she knows didn't just come and ask. IDK. People don't want to appear nosy perhaps. The funny part about that to me is instead they will come up with a random story in their head and then spread a rumor instead. I am not terribly sure which is worse in some instances.

I know for me, I had to start laughing at some of the rumors. Some hurt. Most of those were because I was pretty sure who the sources were - OW and/or XH. Those stung the most.

Now the rumors make me laugh a little. Most of them are really comical. Because I have 4 twenty somethings living with me at various times, there are extra vehicles here. It is no secret to those who know the situation that S's friends in particular come here to work on vehicles. There are 3 in particular that do not have parents around to whip them into shape and I have become a surrogate mom to them. They are often here and ask advice or decide to help out just because.  They know my rules and respect them.

The neighbors next door often laugh because even when there is a bonfire with several kids, they have always been respectful of my neighbors and my conditions. When a new friend has shown up the regular kids will recite what those rules are and make sure everyone adheres to them. There are some who they still hang out with but have quit inviting because they don't respect my house or rules. The rules are pretty simple. No underage drinking. I don't want to have any visits from any first responders for any reason. Don't tick off my neighbors - I actually like them. If anyone gets intoxicated, they are to stay over night.

I have rarely had any issues with anyone. In fact, the one neighbor laughed and said they don't even hear the music being played. The drinking - it doesn't get out of control.

I get tired of having so many kids around sometimes, but I know where they are and they are safe.

S's friends have been known to check on me when he is away at school. There have been people who have seen young men or vehicles that aren't S's at the house. They have seen it when there are several cars here all at once. I might be outside with the kids when they pass by.

The rumors - oh my.  If I were to believe the rumors, I have been a very busy divorcée with lots of young male suitors. Or I am partying it up with the younger crowd. And on and on. It really bothered me at first and on occasion still does.

The reality is far from the rumors. S's friends are often stopping in when S is at school because S asked them to check on me and help out from time to time. If there has been a big snow storm, they sometimes come and borrow my tractor and plow out the driveway. They stop to borrow tools from S or to work in the garage. When I had surgery, they would come walk the dog for me knowing I couldn't.

As for hanging out with them. Sometimes, I have grabbed a chair by the fire and have indulged in some time with them. Yes, I behave relaxed around them, and we joke. I genuinely like the crew of friends S and D have. But, I don't want to date any of them or anything else along those lines. Besides, my kids would crucify me - they are way below the age limit according to my S and D's age threshold. It was made very clear that I am not to drop below 20 years younger than my own age at any time, because that would put someone else way too close to their age.  They know in reality - I am not interested in that age group in that manner.

So, my sister - I laughed and told her to shake it off. She asked how I survived the rumors. I told her it really came down to realizing the people who usually gossiped and made assumptions really are people who don't truly know me. It doesn't matter to me what they ultimately think. Doesn't mean that it doesn't upset me at times, but I try and laugh it off. Sure - my house is the party house on the corner. Not. You can find MD with a glass of wine in the back yard sitting by the fire pit, hiding from the band of 20 something year olds discussing trucks and girls in the garage nearby. That is usually the reality.

[UrsaMajor]

Yeah yeah... We know....



LOL

THAT'S how rumours get started <snort>