[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor - Oh, Toxic Auntie made my F's list as well with that interrogation. LOL

I went to check on my F's progress on his project this morning and he was clearly frustrated. He had torn part of the body off of the horse, after realizing that the copper he was using was not going to work. The gauges of copper make such a difference and the metal sheets he normally were not available. He usually uses a much heavier sheet, but he had to settle. He selected a couple of different sheets and it is clear the thinnest he bought is just not going to behave the way he needs it to in order to hammer it. He is concerned he is pushing his deadline and tomorrow he has an eye injection which has to happen. That means tomorrow is a lost day. I said I could come and cut patterns later tonight if need be and S will be home. My F only has allowed S or I work on his projects. My F paused and said that maybe that would be a good solution - to have S weld the sections on. I contacted S and he was mildly concerned as he hasn't welded copper before, but my F was in the background, seeming to be excited about this idea.

I know it is difficult for my F to give over a project so personal. Yet, there is part of him that I know likes sharing his skills with people who appreciate it. S worked with my F from an early age, just like I had as a kid, but I never dabbled in welding. S - he blew his instructors away in his program with his knowledge, since he has never had "formal" training. And welding sculpture is not the same as industrial welding, but S somehow has a handle on both situations. When S was hired for the last commission by my F, I recall laughing. There were people lining up to have my F hire them to do the finish work, but the 15 year old grandson won out.

S mentioned he too was really upset D didn't know how to check her tire pressure. He right away said he couldn't believe he sent his little sister out unprepared. I laughed and said he was in good company. We both agreed that this weekend she is getting a crash course in checking various fluids, etc. It would seem we found out it was my sister that taught her how to put washer fluid in. Smack my head. LOL. My sister, of course thought this was really quite funny since I am usually so on top of these things. But, what I was happy to realize is D and S both really have a good support system and people they feel comfortable going to.

My F asked me to join him for a slice of pizza in town this afternoon. He was dropping my M off for a luncheon at her friend's house and someone else was bringing her home later. I decided I would indulge and we had a nice time talking. My F mentioned how angry he was about the whole exchange with Toxic Auntie. Out of his mouth came the same sentiment - he said if she and her friend don't like that I didn't put shrubs back on that corner and do some fancy landscaping maybe they would like to pay for a landscaping company to come or perhaps they could bring their shovels and get to work. I burst out laughing. I said there is no clearly no denying whose daughter I am. My F grumbled he has never understood how my Toxic Aunt is able to get my M to bite on these conversations. He recounted when my aunt was in her twenties and a story that simply underscored that this is just who my aunt is. My M likes to blame my aunt's medications and ailments. I have always maintained that I always remember her being this way. My F said my assessment is accurate. He tolerates her. And it would seem someone recently made the comment to him that they would have never guessed my M, who people really like was related to my Aunt. They joked with my F that he chose wisely. LOL

The weather is just perfect today. My F drove the backroads home and we took some time to look at the leaves that were changing.

When I came home, I decided to top off the pond. I still have one area at the top of the waterfall that is letting water seep through that I have to address, but it is not a huge undertaking. I noticed the waterlily is going to need cut back for the fall, but there are still blossoms that may open and one beautiful flower floating on the water. The sound of the water falling on the rocks and the warm weather made me rethink my plan for the afternoon. I realized that I can still stick to my project list and move things out onto the back deck. I am just going to ignore the weeds for the day and embrace the sunshine. The weeds should be scared though - I plan on attacking them soon. They will be the victims of my sass. 

[UrsaMajor]

The Weeds are running scared....


Interesting that F sees Toxic Auntie the way you do.... and Mom doesn't....

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor - LOL. Hmmm. I am not sure I am thinking about mowing the weeds down with a lawn mower. I have a real need to be a bit more physical. I am thinking hedge trimmers and shovels might be involved at the very least.

As for my M and Toxic Auntie - my M sees that my aunt has her good parts. Yes, they exist, but I am afraid my F and I have a more realistic view of my aunt and that is she thrives on drama and negativity. My F and I believe people can change and both had faith in students, etc over the years. The difference is we also believe that people are only able to change if they see that there might be a problem or want to change. My aunt never admits she is wrong or sees how she might approach life differently. My M - she sees the good in people to a fault sometimes. It is one of the things that makes her so wonderful on many levels, but it is not always to her benefit.

My sister and I were going to meet up to walk today, but life intervened. My niece came home with a migraine last night and it was hanging on first thing this morning. My sister ended up having to bring my niece to school a bit later than planned. So, we opted to meet for coffee instead. We both miss our walks and I am hoping we can figure out a new routine, since her work schedule changed, as has mine now. We may have to do a more week-to-week plan than a set day.

I had a gift I had picked up for my niece and originally had planned on giving it to her as part of her Christmas gift, but after hearing about her week this week, I decided she needed a smile. I handed it to my sister and she gave me a funny look. I hadn't wrapped it beyond the packing wrap. She pulled back the paper and started smiling. My niece has loved the character Stitch from "Lilo and Stitch" since she was a toddler. We always joke that she and D are like that character - cute until they are grouchy. Most things I have seen with that character on them are decidedly juvenile. And, I am not one to usually buy that type of thing, but this was an oversized mug - the type that can hold a huge amount of hot chocolate or a bowl of soup, etc. It is actually nicely designed and caught my eye. My sister said my niece has another large mug that she uses all the time, but this one will certainly put a huge smile on her face. I was glad I decided to give it to her now. I used to like getting things for people I care about just because I was thinking of them. It is something I guess I forgot how much I liked doing since MLC. It could be something as simple as seeing a cookie that I know S loves. Or a succulent for D - her new obsession.

I was telling my sister that last night D came into her room, which is done to see me pulling off a piece of moulding. She walked in as I had a small pry bar on an 8 inch section. She gave me a complete WTF look. I know that piece of moulding always bugged D and it drove me crazy. I know why Xh put it there and it is not the worst solution, but now it really has been driving me crazy. D wanted to know if I had a photo shoot for Architectural Digest I was planning for and had to make it all perfect. I laughed. No, this is just one of those thing that is going to be like having a pebble in my shoe. The moulding serves a purpose, and it is in the transition to the other section of the room. Oh sure, I could argue it a variety of ways, but I wasn't going to convince myself it made sense. Instead, I came up with a different solution that is more complex to execute, but from a design standpoint makes sense visually. D was cracking up. She wandered around the room and reminding me that there is one area that still needs addressed. She had her helper - George the cat - with her and it was like she has him trained. He was sitting looking at his cat tunnel through the wall. Xh had designed a cat door - archway that her cat uses. It originally had columns and an archway like a little architectural detail. It was destroyed when we had to gut that part of the room. The tunnel is still there and I have to do the finish work. Funny thing is, the cat can travel through the wall still using this small tunnel, but it just needs the detailing to finish it. He refuses to use it as is. This weekend I will work on cutting out a new archway, but instead of how it was constructed before, I have been researching bending wood into an arch. I am intrigued. I know - I need a social life - LOL.

I wondered if that moulding just bothered me because it was a reminder of the MLC version of Xh. It was sort of a slapped together solution and it probably wasn't an eyesore or even noticeable. I think this room of D's has been a huge cathartic event for me. The whole MLC funhouse construction project needed to be stripped away and that one piece of wood just needed to go. It is honestly probably the last piece of original moulding left.

It is funny because it is not like the other things Xh worked on before MLC bother me. I don't get all nostalgic about what was but I also don't want it gone just because his hands touched it. Somehow it is not something that haunts me the same way the other things have - the MLC projects that went wrong. Maybe because it is because he cared back then about the house and other things. It showed pride in what we had. We had done a great deal to the house and appreciated what we did have. Maybe for me it is that sense of pride overall and it doesn't matter that Xh was part of that. I don't stroke door casings and think about Xh. That is far from the reality, but I also don't feel the need to rip everything out of the house. It is now my house and I would like nothing better than to be able to enjoy it or even maybe someday share it. Or who knows - sell it. IDK. For now - I am able to see more clearly the possibilities than I was able to see before the disaster happened. I have a lot to do to catch up and get it where I want it to be, but I feel like somehow I have made it over one mountain. That last bit of moulding made me feel that way last night.

Of course, we will see what happens when the real construction begins again on the bathroom - I may be wanting to hide in a cave then. LOL.

[MourningDove]

D has not heard from Xh in months. Not even on her 21st birthday in August.

S - he saw Xh back in August, but the contact has been sporadic at best.

With support ending, I have had little, to no knowledge of what is going on with Xh.

The support ending was a strange transition for me. The monetary change certainly made an initial impact and I found myself aggravated with Xh's ability to just wash his hands of any help for the kids. It is not like I have somehow kept him away from them. It is not like both kids haven't taken out loans and gotten scholarships to help out. Xh deciding to cut the threads really has not set well with me.

I have been wrestling with Xh's ability to just walk away from the kids. It is not a new thing with D, but the change in Xh's decision to stop paying for S's tuition, while not a real shock, brought out some strange emotions for me. It bothers me immensely that he chooses not to be a F. It is not because I have made it difficult for him nor have the kids. He is just walking away from it all for whatever reason.

Today some things happened that have me feeling all sorts of emotions - none that are particularly positive at the moment. I have to shake them off and work through them.

S was outside working on the garden shed and the lean-to all day. He took on repairs that I have wanted to do, but they are just so far down my list right now. He didn't ask me about doing them, but decided he would help me out. When I had gone outside early on, I mentioned my M had made his favorite meal and was going to drop some off for dinner. He was elated. There was no mention of any plans.

I had been inside working on different household projects and feeling a bit better about how things are finally coming together, when S came in. He looked a bit frazzled. He sighed and said that he was going to Xh's for dinner. I paused and asked if S had forgotten or was this new. I told him I didn't care, but it was a bit of a shock. S, exasperated, said that Xh just invited him and GF down for dinner, because it would seem Xh is going away and needs a dog sitter. Xh wanted S's GF to come stay at his cottage for a few days while he travels. S said his GF was willing to do it, but he was mildly annoyed with the last minute request. At first S thought it was because Xh might be traveling to see his oldest B, whose health is far from good, which would explain why Xh waited so long.

S came home fairly late and clearly was not thrilled. Xh, it would seem is going on a pleasure trip. I felt my whole body tense. I didn't let on, but I was angry.

It seems stupid. Why was I so upset? My sister and I talked about it and she sort of laughed at me when I said I shouldn't feel this way. She knows I don't want to be bitter and I know Xh is a mess, but she said of course I am mad. I have been holding things together - basically like the sole parent while Xh is off flitting around. My responsible side doesn't allow me to just go running off. Part of me is mad at Xh and the other at myself. I am mad at myself for not sometimes just being a bit more reckless.

My sister said it has to be difficult when I have been focusing on getting the kids through college and I haven't been on a vacation in years, aside from a couple of weekends here or there where I have gone with my sister or parents. And here is Xh just going wherever he pleases because he has no responsibilities it would seem. And, no - I certainly don't want to live like Xh. It just rubbed me the wrong way.

Part of my anger is that Xh is making sure he is getting on S's GF's good side. He has made sure he puts on the charm when she is around. It is not lost on S or myself that Xh is "adopting" GF and replacing D.

After all of this hit, I went for a drive. I had to let go of the resentment starting to build in me. I had to remind myself that this is not a surprise or anything new. Xh has been so self centered for so many years it is just "normal". How many times did I stay home while he jetted off during MLC because he "needed" time away by himself. I enabled it because I knew something was off with Xh and I thought it would help him somehow. It made me think though about one of the trips I bowed out of. My parents wanted to take my sister and I to visit our great great aunt in Belgium. They offered to pay for the entire trip and in the past, prior to MLC, Xh would have told me to go and wouldn't have let me stay home. He was unable to go and the kids had school this particular trip. I was considering going and could have taken the three weeks easily from work. But, this was during MLC, so I found myself saying no and my sister travelled with my parents, while I remained stateside. Xh, on the other hand, took off for a trip for a couple of weeks instead.

So, tonight, maybe it is really about me being mad at myself right now. Upset with myself for enabling the madness. It was okay for me to be kind and try to help Xh, but my selflessness merely allowed him to be more selfish. He didn't care at that point about anyone but himself. Just like tonight was all about his needs.

And, the schmoozing of GF is troubling for me. I don't want to see some weird wedge being driven between the kids. D knew that S was invited to Xh's for dinner. She didn't know why and didn't seem terribly bothered.

I will push forward and let it go. I have too many other things to focus on in my life that matter. Xh's trip to who knows where - it ultimately doesn't affect me and I have to remind myself of that. And, I have decided it was okay for me to feel some anger and resentment for a little bit. The trick is not to hover in that realm too long.

[Trustandlove]

Hi, mourning dove,

I understand the feelings.  Very much so.  This is something I have been dealing with for years; to the point where that behaviour is "normal" for him; I, too, have been the responsible parent while he does what he wants.  What angers me is that he has tried to turn the blame on me, saying that he doesn't do things because "I" don't "let" him, or that "I" have somehow not behaved the way "one should in this situation". 

In my case this has got worse as the years have passed; possibly because his life hasn't turned out to be the brilliant success he thought it would be when he left. 

He now only sees one S; the other two don't have anything to do with him; like you, I worry a bit that he is trying to get that S "on side", but I have to let that go. 

I now haven't seen him for a number of years, but the last time we spoke about the children he accused me of not cutting apron strings -- so making it that my concern for/responsibility for our children was somehow "wrong", while he was in the right swanning around doing as he pleased.    We have special needs children as well, which he has conveniently sidestepped.  They are doing extremely well, by the way, but that is because I have been the responsible one, or rather perhaps because they have had a stable place to call home, not because they don't have those issues. 

It took me years and years to learn to calmly say "no, that isn't true" to his accusations.  Getting defensive obviously doesn't work, as we all know.   Calmly speaking helps, even if it doesn't change anything. 

My H has also occasionally done something nice, when he feels particularly guilty I think, and then uses that to say that well, he's been good, who why don't I (or the children) do as he wants. 

I think you have every right to be angry, and as your children get older and become young adults I also think it's OK for you to explain why.  Not to "bash" your H, but because you are a person too.  I'm not saying you "should", just that it is OK for you to do so IMO. 

When children become young adults they don't just magically not need us any more; the way they need us changes, but IMO we are still very much their parents, and they look to us for guidance.  It's hard for them to look at one parent and want very much to respect that parent, but when they see behaviour that doesn't fit with what they believe is "right" it's confusing and hurtful. 

I don't have any magical answers; I've been dealing with this for years and the main thing seems to be to keep up the communication with the now young adult children.    When they were younger it was vitally important for them to have the stable place to call home; I've found that in essence that hasn't changed, even as they are finding their own feet in the world. 

I think you are doing brilliantly from what I see written here and it absolutely makes sense that his behaviour rubs you the wrong way.

I think it's very hard to remember which way is up when we get hit with things like this, I think you are doing great, and I think the anger and resentment are real, to remind us that what they are doing isn't right, no matter how it's spun.   

[Treasur]

I wonder, Mourning, if some of your feeling is rather deeper than some kind of FOMO resentment? If the anger is when you see some of xh’s twisted dynamics still spilling over into your life and your kids’ lives long past the point when you chose to shut the door on it? A kind of life version of black mould that you think you have cleaned from the tiling grout and then spot a bit popping back up?

I suspect that, long after we have let go of them, we all have moments of emotion about the after effects when they pop up to impact any of our day to day lives now. As you say, best to feel it, give it a nod and then let it go. File in the appropriate drawer. And remind yourself that Then is Not Now. Including blaming yourself....imho the problem lay not with our generosity of spirit or kindness but someone else’s sense of entitlement and imbalance once they imploded in their own individual way. Still not about you, dear girl. Pearls before swine are still pearls 

I suspect your son may reach a point when he needs to say No to some things to protect himself, gf and the rest of you from the mould spores. And I guess he will see that when he is ready to see it and act on it.

[Trustandlove]

As ever, treasur says it so well! 

I feel exactly that -- that I, actually the children and I, have let go of him quite a while ago, but things still pop up to sully our lives.

Even now I still sometimes need the reminder that

he problem lay not with our generosity of spirit or kindness but someone else’s sense of entitlement and imbalance once they imploded in their own individual way.

[UrsaMajor]

I suspect your son may reach a point when he needs to say No to some things to protect himself, gf and the rest of you from the mould spores. And I guess he will see that when he is ready to see it and act on it.

I had the same thought... At some point, S is going to need to discover the use of the word "no."  He has nothing left to loose now. What is GWPWELFV going to do? Stop paying S's tuition? Oh! Too late...

imho the problem lay not with our generosity of spirit or kindness but someone else’s sense of entitlement and imbalance once they imploded in their own individual way. Still not about you, dear girl. Pearls before swine are still pearls

Exactly.... and conversely, no matter how much lipstick we put on the MLC pig, it is STILL a pig...

[MourningDove]

Trustandlove, Treasur & UrsaMajor - I had to reread all of your responses again this morning. They all helped immensely yesterday, but after this morning, I found myself feeling conflicted again. It all was because of a disagreement with my M over this whole situation.

I had neglected to post prior that I have a couple of other layers of emotions going on that maybe factored into the mix.

One is, when S said he was going to Xh's, I gave him a box of things that I had decided to give to Xh to deal with. I usually don't like using S as a delivery person and frankly, most of the things that Xh left behind I have dealt with. But there were a couple of binders with his family genealogy that FIL had printed up and bound for each of his kids. I have digital files of all of it, in case the kids ever want that information or for whatever reason might pop up. In addition to the binders, I had also come across a scarf that MIL had given Xh the winter before she died. It was not something she made. It was a simple fleece scarf, but she bought it because it was the color of Xh's eyes. He wore that scarf faithfully every winter right up until MLC. It was left behind and abandoned like every other thing that once meant something to him.

D wants nothing to do with it and S doesn't wear scarves because of the dangers they pose working - he wears neck gaitors in the winter instead. I was considering donating it. But, something in me felt odd about doing that. I had a complex relationship with my MIL out the gate, but over the years, she and I had become very close. She confided in me before anyone else that she was not well. She owned her mistakes from the past at that point and I respected her immensely. Her actions over the years were a clear indicator that she was genuine in her desire to make amends with her kids. So, I think part of me was feeling that I owed it to my MIL to make sure Xh had this, TBH.

And, the other layer is I have found myself, as I have been doing these ongoing renovations, wanting to get rid of more things that really have no place in my life anymore. Part of me is thinking about as I am moving on and wanting a relationship that there are some things that are too recent in my history that are connected to Xh that I need to really let go of.

One item in particular is a painting Xh bought a couple of years before MLC. It is an antique and it is a beautiful painting of a woman that I do really like, but he bought it because it reminded him of me. I have always liked the painting, but somehow knowing this little bit of information is starting to bother me a little, in that it has that personal connection that is not something like wedding photos that are maybe easier to put in the past. And, I had been pondering selling it. It turns out it may have gone up in value and I am having an art appraiser do some research.

So, when S came home and told me that Xh was literally gushing over the scarf and wanted to thank me, I was really on edge. I wasn't looking to hurt Xh and skewer him with that box of things. I just was trying to be true to my core. My initial feeling was literally "oh $h!te" I have done it now and he might think this is a peace offering and thinks we are now buddies. I can't even begin to voice how far from that I am. It is due to self preservation and not out of some need to be bitter.

But the resentment and bitterness did bubble up a bit. Luckily, those feelings never take hold for long. I was upset though that after having helped both kids yesterday financially a little and with some problems that arose, I was agitated that Xh is off on another pleasure trip. Yup - the green-eyed monster came out in me. Not proud of it. Not going to pretend it didn't though, because it would be a lie and lying to others is bad enough. Lying to myself is certainly never good.

Last night, I went to return the casserole pan my M had delivered S's meal in the night before. I was not in a good frame of mind. I tried to avoid the conversation, but my M was poking, knowing I was not myself. For one, I was tired from the day, but I was also wrestling with the storm brewing inside of me.

I explained the scenario and being aggravated that I am always responsible and Xh just blows in like he is going to a high school reunion when it comes to the kids. My M didn't quite understand the problem. She thought I was being overly dramatic and sensitive. I dropped it.

This morning, my M called and asked if I was still depressed. I snapped at her and said I wasn't depressed, I was upset and angry last night. Clearly that was still not going to fly with her. I told her I was better and trying to just get on with my day. Thing is, my M is one who feels the need to talk everything out. I don't. I feel. I might write it out. Sometimes I talk about it, but I don't hover over it most of the time. My M, she rarely stays mad about much at all, but she does hang on to things for days and analyzes. She doesn't understand me in that regard. I might get quiet and think, but if I am really upset and angry, I may need to vent or to get it out some way - but, I don't necessarily want to talk about it over and over. Especially if I have moved from it. That was this morning. I had moved on or at least was pushing forward. I didn't want to review and relive. As far as I was concerned, I was upset. It was okay I was upset and I spit and sputtered and now I have just accepted it is the way it is and there is not a thing I can do to change it, except to understand in part what made me so angry and what I can control and change for myself. It has nothing to do with Xh in the grand scheme.

My M and I did not exactly get off to a good start at all and when I tried to express something, poorly, I might add, I tried to use my sister as an example. That was not a good avenue to go down. I was trying to tell my M that part of my frustration is that I don't have the luxury of just doing these things when I feel like it and sometimes it weighs on me - those things I can't change that are dictating my life. My example was that this week my sister, who works, manages her house and runs the kids around is somehow able to still go away for a vacation coming up and this week was shopping with a friend and going to spend the day with another friend today. My M right away decided I was jealous of my sister. UGH. No. Not the point.

I called my sister and explained all of the mess to her. Now my sister and I are close and I trust her to tell me when I am being a knucklehead. I told her the example I used and before I was going to explain where I was going with the example she laughed. She said she totally gets what I was trying to tell my M - and it was not some jealous aspect. My sister said she knows I am not jealous of her in the least. I was trying to explain that I am trying so desperately to get some balance back in my life, yet again and everything is controlled by other factors. I can't seem to catch a break. And, I haven't been lingering in the victim arena, but I have to admit Xh's pleasure trip - that stung. It feels all so unfair.

The best part was my M telling me that I got to spend time with so and so for a weekend - that was like a vacation. When I told my sister, she burst out laughing. Yes, it was incredibly enjoyable, and I would give anything to have more times like that, but that was not where I was going at all with my complaint. My sister said that spending time and meeting someone every day over several days is not vacation per se. My sister asked me when the last true vacation I had was - as in getting away for several days with no concern with what was going on at home. I said I went away a couple of years ago with my parents for a weekend. Nice, but not a vacation as such. Hmmmm - I won't count the MLC BS trip we took. Or the wedding  we attended right before MLC either. Vacation - yah, well that would easily be 8 years ago. She sighed and said "yah, M doesn't get it".

What did not help AT ALL was the comment "well, you should be grateful you get the kids and get to see the kids". OMG - Yes, I know and I remind myself all the time. But, to me that is a whole lot of guilt and not a true understanding of it all.

So, that is why I had to reread the comments from all of you, because I had to talk myself off the ledge again. My M and I - I told her the conversation is over and I am not going to back track on it now. I may be wrong in some areas and for that I am sorry, but she doesn't understand the situation and I don't think she ever will. It is okay. Just accept that is the case and I have learned that I really can't talk to her about it and need to bite my tongue when it comes to those topics. It never ends well anyways.

[MadLuv]

Mourning Dove- I has a complicated relationship with my mother. She is no longer here, but when she was and she just didn’t get me I would tell her that I needed a break from her for a while. I would not talk to her for weeks and sometimes months and then I would reach out. I would never rehash the reason we stopped talking. I would just move forward. I always did it for my sanity.

Also, on your previous post. I totally get the frustration on being
left behind with the kids, dogs and life and they can just go wherever they want at anytime. My XH worked all weekends and never took vacations and now he does all that. That has been devastating. He does pay for things for the kids out of guilt. But has not spent time with them in a year. When you are the sane on their insanity can make you feel insane in moments