Reinventing - That was certainly my experience and it is something that seemed to come out of nowhere. I had a really balanced diet, even in college. When they finally decided 6 months or so in to add that to the many blood panels I had taken, it was a shock. That test was literally one the doctor figured while they were at it, to just throw it in because everything was coming back completely normal. I recall the doctor being shocked that my number was in the 20's when normal ranges run about 200-900. Fortunately, for years I have been able to regulate it orally and haven't had to rely on injections. Once it leveled out, it was amazing how much it had been affecting me. Things I hadn't realized, like my hair had become brittle, joint pain, etc. Those things that we chalked up to stress. I now can tell when my levels might be off ever so slightly if I have gotten relaxed about taking my B12. And, I have it as a necessary routine check in my files.
Logically, I think my M knows my depression was rooted in the B12 deficiency and really more of a physical response, than MLC BD type of depression, but it is hard to sometimes separate those things out when you worry. And my M is a worrier as it is. I suppose it is a bit of PTSD on her part. And, I am not going to change her perspective or get her to relax about it. She is going to be 80 next month and I think it is probably easier for me to adapt my approach to this situation. It isn't that I can't talk to her about things, but I think I need to be more mindful of when I have those moments and not necessarily share some of those things with her.
Last night I attended the first college art show there has been in over 18 months. It seemed so weird. By the time I had gotten there the event had cleared out except for a handful of students and my one colleague. In the past we would have all gone out to dinner afterwards, but everyone was busy. Frankly, I was grateful to be in and out of there for the night. I was distracted anyways by someone else. And, in all honesty it was nice. I was having fun and would have chosen that fun over going out last night.
What did happen though at the art opening was something that really took me by surprise. I walked in to see a young woman who looked familiar but I couldn't place her. For one, the mask threw me, but it was more than that. She was one of my former students from about a year before Covid struck. She was talented, and quirky, but extremely meek and timid on many levels. She truly was very naive and behaved in some ways socially as if she were in early middle school. And, I remember she wore pajamas to class most days. No make up and her hair was just pulled back. She wasn't depressed, but looking back now, I think she was just afraid to be noticed. Yet it was funny, because in many ways she was noticed more for her dress in her "comfy clothes" than she would have been if she had even come in costume. And, she wasn't the only kid who showed up in PJs or sweats. It was just that was her "uniform".
Not last night. There she stood with a new hairstyle. She had dyed it to a lovely color and pulled back. Full make-up and dressed up in a manner that was really very age appropriate for a 20 something year old, yet, she had her own style - it was not a trendy mall look. She looked fantastic and then when she spoke she was outgoing and social. She was giving people tours of the work and explaining things. I looked at my colleague and he saw the shock. He asked me if I knew her. I laughed and said yes, but I would have never ever guessed she would have blossomed like this.
My colleague went off for a bit to answer some questions, but he wanted to catch up and I had a package for him from my F, so he asked me to wait for him. I sat outside and the student came out. I told her how impressed I was with her and she was so excited to tell me something. She started out with something along the lines of "do you remember a conversation you had with the students about when you were in college and forcing yourself to get up every morning and making yourself put on makeup and dress clothes, even if you had been up all night"? I had to laugh to myself. First of all, I can say that during that whole B12 episode that was part of what had me reeling - when I did get out of bed for classes, it was something that tipped off the one professor who saw me falling apart - it was that I was showing up to classes in sweats and no make up. It was a shocking change.
I don't recall the exact conversation I had with that student or others. I am an open book with most of my students in terms of not being afraid to share with them things I have learned. The dressing up part was no doubt a discussion about treating my school like a job and it was in part a mindset for myself. I felt better when I put the effort in. And I found my professors took me more seriously when I presented myself differently than the average college student rolling in after an all nighter. But it was more than that for me. I found that sometimes dressing up, and I still do, can alter my mood and sometimes allow me to look confident and fool even myself sometimes, when I am not feeling terribly confident.
And, I am sure part of the conversation I probably had with these students, because after this student mentioned it, I recall the makeup of that class and one student in particular would always very sincerely ask me about my clothes choices. She was always commenting on how put together I was. That always made me laugh because that class timing was an early morning after teaching a night class, so those mornings were often rushed and my choices were often on the fly. Along the lines of "yup, those shoes will work" today, as I ran out the door.
What came after the initial question from this student was her telling me that there were many times she took my advice to heart. Artistically, as well as those seemingly just extraneous conversations that I often don't think are terribly important in the grand scheme of teaching my students. But, it would seem this made some impact on her I never could have predicted.
She had once told me that she was afraid that dressing up in any manner would call unwanted attention to her from men. She liked men, but she was afraid of them. I never pushed her as to why. I am not sure if there is some very deep reason or if it was my gut telling me that based on what I did know, was that her M was very protective of her and kept her very sheltered for whatever reason. Apparently, that topic had been covered after class one day in a conversation which I vaguely recalled and it was after I had a problem with a drunken idiot at Walmart, who was being rather fresh in line and getting too close. I stepped back and put my weight down on his instep with my stiletto and told him if he came any closer that my aim would be somewhere else. His friend had apologized, etc. My response to these young women who had hung after class was something along the lines of there are always going to be idiots - male or female and not to forget that there are as many if probably not more really good people out there who would never behave that way.
This student informed me that during Covid and the shutdown she really started to think about being isolated because of the pandemic and for her it really wasn't a huge change. I wasn't sure what she was getting at and then she said it dawned on her she didn't really care for being alone and isolated in that manner, but it was no different than the isolation she created by hiding in PJs and in her own shell. She said it was then she decided to go out of her comfort zone and she is loving this new version of herself. She is still shy and yet, she exudes this confidence now that is just amazing. I told her as much.
It is one of those moments that made me perhaps push myself out of my own comfort zone and be more forward. I know - people often think I can be very blunt and straight forward, but there are parts of me that are still incredibly shy and fearful. I have been afraid to maybe know the answers to things. That fear of rejection bubbles up more than I care to admit. Funny thing is, I am now mad at myself for not trusting my gut and allowing those monkeys to play with my thoughts the past few months.
I came home to find S's current roommate and his former roommate standing in the driveway with S. The current roommate, I had not met, but had been assured by S's former roommate and S, whose opinions on people carry a great deal of weight, was a really good guy. The amusing thing to me is that these roommates of S's didn't know each other before college, yet grew up a couple of towns away from one another. Now the one lives near us and this one is looking to relocate here.
S had to work this morning, and his GF was off to get a manicure. I came downstairs and the roommate who I have only briefly met the night before was here by himself. I asked him if he wanted coffee and he lit up. We sat in the kitchen and had a nice talk and I can see why S and his former roommate like this guy. I warned him that D is the velociraptor to watch out for. She had gone to her BF's last night, so she didn't encounter him. S's former roommate was coming through the door as we were discussing D and he laughed. D likes this young man and he is like a second B to her. He laughed and said that if D likes someone she is sweet as can be but will also mercilessly joke with you sometimes. It was about an hour later D showed up with her BF and she clearly was doing a quick assessment and made her decision. It turns out that this young man also wrestled in high school and D's BF did as well. They hit it off immediately. The whole scenario just made me smile. This house used to be filled with laughter prior to MLC where both kids had friends that they both got along with.
Next weekend, S will be traveling with both of the "roommates" back to their home state. I asked what was going on and they are picking up more things for the one young man who moved here, but they have a plan to visit some creamery that is supposed to be fantastic.
I am glad for the group today, but I am liking this idea of having a weekend where the kids are off doing other things. LOL
Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 7
Author
Topic: