[Standing Strong]

Part 12!!
link to previous https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11770.0

Journaling (Monday):
We got thru the party on Saturday, W was able to do it without collapsing afterward: her best showing yet. I was impressed, and it was very good for her to interact with her family. Social interaction, so needed, so healthy.
I noticed the use of my name a lot more this weekend...... it's nice having a name. Strange how that comes and goes (just like everything else).
MIL her BF took us to dinner last night..... it was really good. Very nice time. At one point, I did something that used to be very normal (for me) and as I made a joke in the restaurant booth, I laughed and leaned over to bump W with my shoulder. This has not happened in years(?)...... W was shocked and froze...... I was shocked and froze. HAHAHAHAHA!! It was natural, just happened (good). An odd feeling to have something so normal happen once again, and reassuring that it's still in there. 

Tomorrow I say bye to MIL and her BF. It was a good visit. I'm sure they are long since homesick (I would be)..... and it'll be just W and myself once again. That will be strange for a few days, but it won't be long until she runs away for the holidays, so I guess it won't be strange for long 

(Friday)
What a week!! I had to go on the road for a few days for work...... it went great. MIL and BF departed while I was away...... but I had a really nice thing happen on the road: I like to visit malls when I'm on the road. Nice to walk around, nice to see something that reminds me of youth and better times, nice to see how stores are faring (usually not too well, sometimes the malls are half shut down and empty). Anyway, I visited a bookstore and got something I really wanted to read, and then went walking. Not a big mall, and on the way back I could see a woman walking in my direction (and looking at me)..... I like to people watch, so I looked at her then scanned the rest of the area, bringing my eyes back to her. She was still looking at me and getting closer..... even with the covid mask on, I could tell she was smiling, she had that squint in the eyes that you only get from a genuine smile. She was extremely attractive, and young. Very obviously a collage student, mid 20's, dressed very nice...... and I was still in a suit from work. As she passes she says "You look really nice"..... oh wow. HA HA!! Well that was a really good feeling. I have to admit, I was having a great time at the mall, dressed really nice, and it showed. My bag from Barnes and Noble was twirling in my hand, not a care in the world, loving life...... if music could be playing, it would have been "Staying Alive" because I wasn't walking, I was strutting (if anyone get's that John Travolta reference). 

It's nice to have the house without visitors. W has been working late every night, and I'm back to my workout routine. Life is "normal" for what this normal is. I bought candy for the trick or treat'ers, we didn't hardly get any last year, I'm hoping for a better turnout this time. I feel for all the cooped up kids, what a ripoff Covid has been for them. I always buy good candy in the hopes that it will make some child happy. 
Always something to look forward to next, always something in the queue. 
With the holidays getting close and knowing that I will be alone once again, it's time to fill up the calendar with things to do. It so strange that since MLC began, I've been busier than ever doing fun things. Before I'd have been so concerned with work and missed these bits of life. Another reason to be thankful for MLC. Oh that reminds me to find a spook house. 

One day at a time,

-SS

 

[Standing Strong]

Hey Offroad,

I promised to answer on the new thread.... (I don't know if this quote is going to work or not)

I also have a question.
Quote from: Standing Strong on October 07, 2021, 07:58:04 AM
I find that as LBS progresses the need, desire or acceptance of outside affirmation continues to wane. I wonder if there comes a point where outside influence is completely irrelevant. That is a sad thought. On one hand, it would imply strength...... but really it just says you are not vulnerable, and emotionally closed.

Why would a person feeling outside influence is irrelevant mean (to you, anyway) that they are not vulnerable or emotionally closed? I can see where that COULD occur, but not where if A, the B MUST follow. Do you not think you can you can think outside influence from someone could be irrelevant to whatever situation you are dealing with, yet still recognize that their attempt at influence is important to them and act accordingly? Kind of like when someone tries to give advice before they know the whole picture. They have no influence because you know they don't know the whole picture, but you know they are just trying to help. I don't think that makes a person emotionally closed off, just discerning on what is important. But perhaps I am not understadning your meaning?

What I was meaning is that it's very easy to become sealed off when you are protecting yourself.... and easy when getting stronger to discount things from others as you learn to rely on yourself. This is understandable since we can learn that one of the only people that doesn't let us down, is us. Given long enough, can someone end up in a place when they discount everything external as everything external is a potential threat? I know a lot of people who think they listen, but hear nothing. That would be easy to do. That is what I mean about being on guard for. I want to be open, to be vulnerable....... because even though being vulnerable leaves you open to pain, pain is ok. Just a fact of life..... and for me, pain is a reminder that I am alive, that I still care, that I'm still human and not a robot.  HA!!
The insulating stasis of limbo is devoid of feeling except for pains of the past. I'm eager for new pain, not for the sake of pain but what comes with it. Joy has elements of pain because highs can't wax eternal, and lows just mean a better time is coming. New emotions mean moving into and thru the present, and that is a great feeling because it isn't the past.
So while you could discount an external influence for various reasons rationally, even discounted things should come with feeling because all things all interactions with people should have an empathetic resonance to some degree. If that is missing, if that is shielded, then do we hear? We can listen, but that could only be words: Like the Charlie Brown teacher "Waa Waa Wa-Wa Waah"..... in one ear and out the other..... are we reached, do we consider, do we feel the intention of the outside input? Can we appreciate, or consider in depth? It would be so easy to lose this. That's what I mean. 

-SS

[JohnnyBravo]

In the words of Bart Simpson, There's only one thing to do at a moment like this: Strut. (I tried to post the gif, but couldn't figure it out after my limit of 37 seconds. Ursa, help me out here!)

I'm glad the big weekend went well, and it's funny how gestures (like bumping shoulders) can stick with you. I'm an early riser, and sometimes when I'd go to wake up W on the weekends, she would reach towards me and make a grabbing motion with her hand, as a signal to come snuggle with her. That was a cute one.

Thoughts are with you for the solo holidays, but at least it's something you've made it through before.

JB

[AlvinTheMaker]

Klaatu Barada Nikto!!!  Indeed (and LOL).

But yes.... You are doing well IMHO. I think it is kind of interesting that though our marriages took a very different route, the paths of inner (and external) growth both of us undergo and experience have been very similar.

Alvin

[OffRoad]

Ah, thank you, SS. If I understand correctly, you were equating "completely irrelevant" with no emotional attachment  and maybe not caring about what someone else says or does ever and  I equated "completely irrelevant" as being inapplicable for any given situation, which in my mind has no bearing on vulnerability or emotional connection and is situational not a lifestyle choice . Much appreciated.

Glad to hear your party went well, and truly, there is nothing as attractive as a confident, loving life person. You keep doing you.

[barbiedoll]

.. if music could be playing, it would have been "Staying Alive" because I wasn't walking, I was strutting (if anyone get's that John Travolta reference). 

.

I just got the best laugh from this . I just love it and can visualize it in my head!  I think your sense of humour has saved you time and time again...how wonderful! I seem to have lost mine along the way but do need to search it out. Your positive vibes make you a rather unique LBS . I truly admire that about you. I also acknowledge a deep wisdom in you , I can feel it time and time again. Bravo to you!

[xyzcf]

Your positive vibes make you a rather unique LBS . I truly admire that about you. I also acknowledge a deep wisdom in you , I can feel it time and time again. Bravo to you!

I totally agree with what Barbie wrote. Thank you for sharing your journey...shows that life doesn't end with MLC

[HeavenlyFocus]

Hi SS,
 I agree with others on your positivity and I also appreciate your descriptions of interactions with your W.  I only get short interactions with my W since she moved out but I do see similarities in their struggles.  It has helped me to better understand this journey.

HF

[Curiosity]

Joining you for this leg of the journey, SS, and also acknowledging your wisdom and positivity. You have been such a source of inspiration on this winding path.

[Standing Strong]

Ugghh, I had a potentially triggering day...... but it turned out alright.
Was not planning on Journaling again so soon..... such is life.

I get up very early..... three hours before spin class. Normally I'd just stay up and read..... but W had one of those nights where she gets a little closer than normal. Not touching mind you, but almost. I think touch is one of the hardest things to do without. A couple years have ticked by now, no touch. So on nights/mornings like this, I enjoy something that is closer, maybe resembles a better time. I like to imagine that in her sleep, she's still able to try and seek me out..... which could be nonsense, but it suits me.  So I climbed back into bed, smiled, and fell fast asleep..... missing my class (but it was worth it).
Later after getting up for real  I start to read. W has been awake for hours on her phone while in bed (as usual).
She shows up in my doorway and says "we need to talk". Oh..... wow..... this hasn't happened in a long time. Ok. Good or Bad (normally bad, LOL!!). She says her "friend" down near her mom's..... his father just passed away. Ok. That's too bad, and difficult for anyone.... unconfirmed OM or not. She wants to "lend" him the money for the funeral. Several thousand dollars.    

Of course a bunch of things went thru my head. Clamping down on myself, I thought about it quickly as I walked to the doorway, and realized that really there wasn't much to think about. She makes money, she can do whatever she wants. I'm not her enemy, and I'm not going to make myself into one by throwing a barrier into this. So I tell her "It's completely up to you"..... And with that, I release all the potentially bad feelings I have about it. Her choice, not mine. I don't expect to see the money ever come back, but I really don't care about that. Her eyes tear up and she very obviously becomes emotional. She starts giving a spiel about "he doesn't have anyone", "he doesn't have money", on and on..... and I stop her and say again "It's completely up to you" and leave it at that. I think she was surprised, but I can't be sure. I have no idea what she expected from me, it just isn't my bag of rocks, and I won't let it be my bag of rocks.

For a moment, there was a flash of emotion in me. Some outrage. I'm virtually certain this person is one of her OM's (I think the most significant one). Since she can become emotional for him, and no one else except her mom..... it just screams WRONG..... and to drain some of our resources to help HIM...... yes.... for a moment, I flashed hot (on the inside). I guess I had hoped that situation had burned out more than it has (not that I would know anyway). She'll be going down there again soon enough. Just a crappy thing, right?

So I went about my day..... went grocery shopping. By the time I got back, she was off wiring money to him. The speed in which she moves for him..... another sign (to me) of being the main OM. The amount also..... she balks at helping her immediate family for much less. Seems clear as day to me, but unconfirmed. I will not accuse without total proof.  One day there will be a reckoning, but not today.
She was nice the rest of the day...... obviously. That is the way she is. When she wants something, or gets something big: extra nice, extra talkative..... for a short while.
It's so easy to forget it's not about us (LBS), and it's not. I doubt he has any way to pay her back, who knows if that matters or not, or even if there's any intention to do so. Perhaps he will burn her on the money and she'll care, or perhaps not. She'll have another thing to look back on later and (hopefully) reflect "what was I thinking?". All par for the course. It's too bad we get curves in the road like this. They stink.

On the plus side..... to improve the day I went shopping for pet toys (the little animals are innocent, and they deserve a good life), the little dog got a cow hoof. He's never had one before. HE LOVES IT!! As part of the "nice time", I took advantage to let him out for hours and hours as W and I watched some new show she found on Netflix (Maid, which is a GREAT show). He had a wonderful time, Such a joy to see the little creature be so happy. His life is so simple. He is so easy to be the happiest little boy on earth. So much can be learned from a little dog. 

One day at a time,

-SS
   

[AlvinTheMaker]

Hi SS,

Ouch ...  This twist left me speechless  . You are a true saint by taking so many stabs without a kneejerk reaction

But true, you cannot argue emotions with reason. So trying to stand in her way would have simply turned into havoc, and you avoided the storm like a true champ.

Just remember to keep your finances protected, because if this becomes a habit it can create a very negative cumulative effect/distortion  to shared assets on the long run. Just like in normal marriage, some decisions are all about keeping "business" steady and fair to both parties.

Alvin

[HeavenlyFocus]

Of course a bunch of things went thru my head. Clamping down on myself, I thought about it quickly as I walked to the doorway, and realized that really there wasn't much to think about. She makes money, she can do whatever she wants. I'm not her enemy, and I'm not going to make myself into one by throwing a barrier into this. So I tell her "It's completely up to you"..... And with that, I release all the potentially bad feelings I have about it. Her choice, not mine. I don't expect to see the money ever come back, but I really don't care about that. Her eyes tear up and she very obviously becomes emotional. She starts giving a spiel about "he doesn't have anyone", "he doesn't have money", on and on..... and I stop her and say again "It's completely up to you" and leave it at that. I think she was surprised, but I can't be sure. I have no idea what she expected from me, it just isn't my bag of rocks, and I won't let it be my bag of rocks.

Hi SS,

This was an emotional post to read as it brought me back to similar situation with my W.  Your W seemed to tear up and become emotional because she knows the priority that she is putting on this relationship with the OM is not right and hurtful to you but but she can't stop pursuing the relationship.   She then starts to rationalize by saying that he doesn't haven anyone (blah, blah blah)

For a moment, there was a flash of emotion in me. Some outrage. I'm virtually certain this person is one of her OM's (I think the most significant one). Since she can become emotional for him, and no one else except her mom..... it just screams WRONG..... and to drain some of our resources to help HIM...... yes.... for a moment, I flashed hot (on the inside). I guess I had hoped that situation had burned out more than it has (not that I would know anyway). She'll be going down there again soon enough. Just a crappy thing, right?

It is wrong and she knows it.  I am inspired by your patience and love for your W.   Now that some kind of relationship is out in the open, you may want to figure out want boundaries you put in place regarding discussion about OM or contributing any more resources to the relationship.   This is something that I didn't directly do with my W and I emotionally finally blew up and pushed her away.  I don't regret my actions as I needed to stick up for myself , but I wish I had handled it better.

Hang in there and hope you have a great week.

HF

[JohnnyBravo]

Really sorry to hear about this, SS. You handled it like a saint. You're a huge inspiration.

JB

[5hilmerton]

Sorry SS for the dip in your path,
i read this update a little late.  After being so excited to visualize your strut in the mall, I actually had to quickly down shift my feelings and reactions to your update.  FWIW nice job of holding it all together with the money request and implications.  So glad you have the little guy, although mine are anything but little they are super important to me and this Journey i travel.

Take care,
5hil

[Standing Strong]

Writing early once again 

I had gotten used to less drama....... that comes in cycles too 

W had been away overnight for a business trip...... I got a lot of sleep last night (funny how that works).
Well, she got in later than she said but with all the airline stuff going on, no big surprise.
I make dinner and we finish the series we were watching. What a great show. As it finishes, I notice she's crying. You know one of the worst things about MLC is: Now I question, are those real tears? Or crocodile tears? How terrible. I really, really don't like that. I don't like that I have to ask myself it. I don't like that it has to occur to me that I'm being manipulated. I don't like that I have to protect myself. Most of all.... I don't like that someone, HER, could be false..... with ME.
Well, I just noticed the tears, so I don't know yet.... and I reach out.... "Are you crying?" -yes-, "Why? Was it the ending? It was a good ending"... -I don't know- (Ok, that is a good answer.)
After a moment she breaks the news "I want to go see mom"...... ahhhhhhhhh...... here we go. Then she goes into a spiel about how she's (MIL) having medical conditions, and she wants to be there for the appointments....... crying, tears, the whole sha-bang. Right. Crocodile tears. What a disappointment, but I let her run her course. "Ok, when are you planning on going?" -The appointments are next week-  Really? Holy crap. Not even going to make it to the holidays? Wow. Really? So I empathize, talk about how much she cares about her mom. Let her tell me all about mom's kidneys and liver. MIL didn't tell me anything about that while they were here, just the after effects of gall bladder removal. W talks all about losing her grandma to kidney failure..... and how she (w) can get seen faster in a different country for her own medical stuff. What rubbish.... justification.

So with all the sadness, the best counter is an injection of joy.... and the perfect dose should be the lightning fast, furry happiness.
W says -get him if you want him, I should sleep- well, I will get him, and out he comes. W gets perturbed almost instantly, and I find there a new poop I have to clean in his little barrier area (he hates it, and is rebelling by pooping on everything, and I don't blame him). So he runs around, W gets ticked off, and makes herself a victim over the dog's behavior..... she's acting like a spoiled child. I leave her to it. Deal with it. She doesn't, and throws herself on the floor.  Yells at the little dog, who proceeds to jump onto the bed..... and then pee on it. His rebellion knows no bounds, nor does his bladder. This snaps W out of her childlike stupor instantly, and becomes a new problem to be victimized by. 
I put the little dog away (I'm done cleaning by then), and W gets right to work changing the bed while I start washing the comforter and sheets. W is walking around and FAKE trips on a sheet that's on the floor. She does it right to the side of me, she looks to she if I see, if I react..... I see her turn her head just to see if I was watching!! Really? It would have been funny if it wasn't so  Larry, Curley and Moe would have asked her to be the fourth stooge...... but evidently she must think that honor is mine.

We change the sheets, she's ticked off the whole time. I start attending to other things (like writing this), and after a few min go and ask her if she needs anything. Hey, someone is in distress, you check on them...... right? Riiiiggggghhhhhttttttt.....
She's in bed (no surprise), on her phone (no surprise), no tears no distress no discomfort...... it's like she's had a normal pleasant night and asks for some juice.  No broken voice, and get this..... HAHAHA...... no puffy eyes. How about that? All those tears, and all that whining....... no puffy eyes. Crocodile tears.
If she is going sooner than later, does that mean she's staying longer than "normal"? She just sent a bunch of money down there. Coincidence? Yeah, I think you're thinking what I'm thinking.

Such a messed up person. Absolutely floors me. Love is a choice, the knowledge of love persists, sometimes it can be really difficult to "Feel" love. Sadness, compassion, empathy with the knowledge of what they're going thru.... oh yeah, no problem. When they lie and manipulate...... boy that makes love (the feeling) harder in the moment doesn't it?

Would appear there's going to be some nasty times ahead. Meh, it's overdue. Bring it.

One day at a time,

-SS 
   
 

[MadLuv]

Wow, SS !! They really are masters at working those emotions when needed aren’t they. I had an interaction with my XH a week ago when he picked up our dogs to keep then for a week. His tone changed to sad poor me with the shaking fake crying voice. For the first time it was so beyond evident it wasn’t real I said, stop that fake frying crap and HE DID. It was a AHA moment. Emotions on demand admitted, well that was a suprise….

[Curiosity]

SS, I’m so sorry you’re still having to navigate this roller coaster of hers… but you have become a master of navigating around it rather than being attached to it. Still, I hope for healing for her and peace for both of you.

[Kind18]

Based on post #14 and your wife’s behaviour within (such as pretending to trip, and also fake tears), in my most humble of opinions, she has very serious mental health issues.

This isn’t a woman in affair fog, or MLC. She has serious sociopathic tendencies.

I’ve been rooting for you since the start of your threads, and admire your unrelenting passivity and standing, but I can no longer support you standing for this.

People like this don’t just change, or snap out of it. There’s deep-seated behavioural issues here which you will bear the brunt of for years. How long is enough? Five years? Ten years?

Sorry if my post is a bit blunt. But you need to ask yourself how long you will keep doing this.

[AlvinTheMaker]

John Milton once said, “The mind is its own place, and in itself/Can make a heav'n of hell, a hell of heav'n”. She must be feeling plenty of guilt about being fake, wearing the masks, hiding behind the phone ...She is really creating a personal hell of hers (and allowing you to feel some if it as well). But IMHO that is just part of the course required before the mothership crash.

Take care,

Alvin.

[Standing Strong]

Journaling:

And she's off *POOF*...... just dropped her at the airport.
Incredible how fast it moves sometimes.

She was going to park at the airport (told me last night) and I said "I'll take you, if you'd like". She accepted. Since I had no idea how long she'd be gone, can easily rack up a large parking bill. Why do that?
Well, right before saying bye she says "I'll be back on the 8th". Hmmmmmm, that's only two weeks away. If true (not holding my breath), that would be the shortest trip down there ever. Why would she do such a short trip? Then the possibility comes into focus: To be with the "friend" after his dad passed away. So very typical of this type of MLC relationship. Drop everything, run to their side.
I'll ask how the funeral was after she gets back.  No mention of this to me of course. Intuition.
Well, enough about her. Too much watching this week, events merit observing but mean nothing important. Shrug shoulders and keep moving.
The other interesting thing would be, it means she'll be here for Christmas. Huh.... that would be weird.... Unless she runs away a second time. Totally possible. Not something is dwell on, just a realization. 

On to me!! Getting ready to drop another pant size. Hurray!! This was and is my target for pants, so that will be a wonderful milestone. Same waist size as when I was 20.  I hit it briefly a few months back but lost it.
So close!! Win the waist war and then chisel out the abs.

The little dog has been having a great time this week. Extra walks, more toys, and plenty of new things to chew on. He's gone from a rebellious little boy back to the sweet happy boy. 

One day at a time,

-SS

[JohnnyBravo]

On to me!! Getting ready to drop another pant size. Hurray!!

Let's hear it for SS dropping his pants! 

Wait...what???

Sorry to hear about the sudden adjustment in plans... Once again, I'm really happy that I don't have to see what's going on with my W. This is all craziness.

[Kind18]

How are you going SS?

I imagine there’s a certain peacefulness for you right now?

[Standing Strong]

Hi Kind,

I could use more peace, but I'm happy with the peace that exists 

Journaling:
Only a few days until W returns (if she's back on time). Lots to do. Clean clean clean (LOL!!) 

I was picking up the other night in the bedroom and found something..... a notebook. Hmmmmm, ok, what's in it?
A little sad.... inside was a huge handwritten trove of notes. All of it was Christian study notes. W had been searching, trying to be a good person, trying to find peace, trying to understand. It was a long, long slide for her. Years and years, I had no idea this notebook existed.
On one hand, it was nice to see that she was trying really hard to do something as she was slipping away.
On the other hand, she was looking in the wrong place. The problem was inside herself and she was looking outward, looking for someone to save her. How do you solve the problem without looking at it? God saves, but it's always with taking on the problem head on....... not "Save me, from whatever it is".
Well, it was nice and it was sad. No wonder she hasn't gone to church since BD. No wonder she didn't want to pray. 
Nice to know and understand more as time goes on, just sad to know that a whole lot of effort was expended...... when if it had been used correctly, things would have been different. All because they couldn't look, couldn't see, couldn't understand where the problem was and what it was. Helps me understand the true nature of MLC better: The discarding of any personal limit to be able to grab an external something to feel better even if it's only temporary. How..... utterly.... human.
This is an exciting time for me..... learning so much more all of a sudden. These growth spurts are always preceded with a difficult time. The last month was a difficult time...... so many questions swirling around, seeming like they would overwhelm...... knowing that something is around the corner...... then *POP* the winds stop and things become clear.... and it's worth it.

Today the little Dog and I were on a walk, and came across a BIG caterpillar walking across the sidewalk. "What are you doing here? Someone's going to step on you.... or they're going to eat you". Big caterpillar.... beautiful, and fat. Green with white stripes running down it's back. Beautiful. It took a few min, but I scooped him up and took him home. Placed him in the back yard with the pear trees, that should be a lot safer than were I found him. Maybe he'll find something good to eat too. Well, I hope he survives and turns into a butterfly. Seems very late in the year for a caterpillar to be cruising around. It's almost freezing at night. He started digging when he hit the mulch (caterpillars dig?).He didn't seem too smart (LOL). The little dog wasn't impressed and wanted to chase rabbits...... daddy stopping and messing with some green worm was messing up his adventure. 

Three days plus change until W is home, the countdown is very on. I think I will pick her brain and see if she's talkative when she gets back. See if the pot can be stirred, see if it's safe to. Curious what mood will be in effect. Curious if there is some obvious change or if she will return to status quo. Hopefully no disaster is in store...... Who knows but in any event, it'll be ok.

I'm almost to hitting 800 calories in spin on good nights..... hitting 700 every time that isn't a great night. That's fantastic. Only a matter of time before I can hit 900, and then 1000.

The little dog misses his momma. He's going to get a bath before she gets home so he doesn't smell like a little boy. LOL!!
It's been good for him to hang out with his dad. I play rough with him, and he loves it. Boys need to be boys. 

One day at a time,

-SS

[Thunder]

Standing you made me really smile.

That little pup is having fun with his dad.  You sound like you both are.
You're a good puppy dad Standing.

I would say, no more penning his off.  He needs to be part of the family.

[MadLuv]

SS- I would have saved the caterpillar as well. I hope it does become a beautiful butterfly. Wishing you great conversation with your W upon her return. And…props on all the cleaning

[Standing Strong]

Journaling:

Today was "early Thanksgiving" for my family. It was wonderful. I went berserk and cooked up a storm.  It was GREAT. A lot of the food I made, my family hadn't had before. I made Gumbo, Dirty Rice and King Cake..... it was marvelous. Outdid myself.

Of course some of the family asked about W..... all I could say was "She's in South America" which is like a broken record. A few winced, most were quiet..... the subject didn't come up again. I know most of them are thinking "what are you doing?"...... but I know what I'm doing is right. It can cut a little to see that others seemingly think less of you for doing the right thing, or that you're a fool to still love.
They don't understand, nor will they ever. That's ok, they just care about me. 

I had a very interesting talk with my 1st cousin. She is several months older than me, but essentially we are the same age. She's always been the closest of my small handful of cousins. What she told me was very sad. A little back ground: she was insanely beautiful in her youth. Drop dead gorgeous. I overheard her talking to my dad, and they were talking about aging. My dad HATES being in his 60's and is very frustrated and unhappy with this physical condition. My cousin was lamenting about being in her 40's and that she would do anything to be in the 20's or 30's again. LOL!!
Well...... we start talking later after pretty much everyone had left. She knows about my sitch with W, so she's been very open about herself (really awesome cousin)..... she tells me today that she had resigned herself to the fact that she will not marry again. More than that, she's had enough of men and doesn't want to be with one anymore and she's fine being alone. That was heartbreaking to me.  She's still attractive, a really good woman, hard working, very down to earth. I don't know what it's like to be a woman in your mid 40's and single, I'd imagine it's very hard. I just wanted her to have a good and happy life. I hope she does. I wonder..... her two girls are grown now and moving on with their lives (early 20's)...... does that (also) mean a man just isn't as important anymore? Or just that it's very hard to find "a good one"? She had many wild years, and even a cougar phase for a few years (that was interesting to see), now she seems...... burnt out. Just makes me concerned for her, and what her future looks like.

On to W....... I haven't heard a peep. No "I'm getting in at this time, could you pick me up?", no itinerary, just nothing.
I don't know if I'll get a last min text, or an "I'm here at the airport", or if she'll just show up after taking an Uber...... or if she just won't show up.
Extremely inconsiderate is an understatement. I can't remember her not giving any notice at all since shortly after BD (oh that was fun).
Well, if I hadn't taken her to the airport I wouldn't have even been given tomorrow as a date. Maybe that was just an estimate  .

On to the dog!! I took him to a place on the walk with a bunch of rocks..... he LOVED it!! He's like a little mountain goat, climbing, smelling and digging around. Looks like I have a new place for him to have a good time.
We had a not so great experience the other night where he was making weird back and forth rocking as we took a walk in the dark.
After a min, I could see a feline head in the weeds. One fear/concern I have is bobcats. They shouldn't be in the city, but a friend of mine had his dogs attacked (and one killed) in their backyard by a bobcat (also in the city). There are rabbits out here, and the little dog loves to chase them. Well, once I could see this head in the bushes, I figured it was a kitty cat but I wasn't taking any chances. I focused the flashlight into a tight beam to blind the animal and drug the little dog away..... keeping an eye on the cat. I figured it would run away as we pulled away..... but no, it moved forward towards us in that careful prey kinda way that cats do. I didn't like that at all and got us out of there. I can take a bobcat if I need to, but it would be bloody. I gotta keep my little guy safe.

What will tomorrow bring......

One day at a time,

-SS

   

[JohnnyBravo]

Good luck this week, SS.

Interesting and sad (at least, I understand that perspective) story about your cousin. After my mother left my stepfather (he went from cool/fun guy to train wreck), she eventually "switched teams." I never knew (or asked) if she felt that was "the real her" and she didn't realize it or kept it closeted for so much of her life, or if the lack of decent men in her area just made it more natural to connect with a good girlfriend. (She lived in an area where the choices were fishermen, drunks, drunk fishermen, or tourists.) Her partner was also previously hetero, and the only strange thing is that my mother had tried to set me up with this gal on one of my visits.  The other part I didn't really care for was that my mother's partner was basically the female version of my stepfather, kinda crass and obnoxious. But she took care of my mother, which enabled my mother to take art classes and work on her paintings and sculpture, so it worked out well for her.

I guess I never asked why because it just wasn't important, as long as my mother was happy. Circling back to your thread, hopefully your cousin will find happiness in her future. My W had supposedly resigned herself to living with her older sister as her assistant, and then met me. And is now back to being her sister's assistant, as far as I know. It sounds like your cousin has been taking care of herself (i.e. financially) for a while, so I assume that's not an issue. There's a wide open future out there for someone with a sound foundation.

JB

[HeavenlyFocus]

Of course some of the family asked about W..... all I could say was "She's in South America" which is like a broken record. A few winced, most were quiet..... the subject didn't come up again. I know most of them are thinking "what are you doing?"...... but I know what I'm doing is right. It can cut a little to see that others seemingly think less of you for doing the right thing, or that you're a fool to still love.
They don't understand, nor will they ever. That's ok, they just care about me. 

My family also feels the same way and doesn't understand my standing as I near the point of my D.   They don't get the see true inner turmoil which makes it hard to understand the struggles of the MLCer.  Glad that you had a great time with your family.

On to the dog!! I took him to a place on the walk with a bunch of rocks..... he LOVED it!! He's like a little mountain goat, climbing, smelling and digging around. Looks like I have a new place for him to have a good time.
We had a not so great experience the other night where he was making weird back and forth rocking as we took a walk in the dark.
After a min, I could see a feline head in the weeds. One fear/concern I have is bobcats. They shouldn't be in the city, but a friend of mine had his dogs attacked (and one killed) in their backyard by a bobcat (also in the city). There are rabbits out here, and the little dog loves to chase them. Well, once I could see this head in the bushes, I figured it was a kitty cat but I wasn't taking any chances. I focused the flashlight into a tight beam to blind the animal and drug the little dog away..... keeping an eye on the cat. I figured it would run away as we pulled away..... but no, it moved forward towards us in that careful prey kinda way that cats do. I didn't like that at all and got us out of there. I can take a bobcat if I need to, but it would be bloody. I gotta keep my little guy safe.

We have bobcats and coyotes in our suburb just outside of the city.  I always worried about my little dogs at night and would make sure to watch when I let them in the backyard.  Better to safe than sorry with our 4 legged friends.  Glad the little guy is getting his walks.

Hope you have a great week and that your W returns soon.

HF

[Standing Strong]

She must have known I was talking about her.....

"Ring Ring".... it's W...... after two texts (which I didn't read immediately). Funny how that works.... they text and if there's no reply instantly.... Ring Ring.  I wonder what that panic feels like.

So she's on her way back. That's good...... but you know....... things are never as they appear.
She was super happy, and SOOOOOO talkative. She seemed much like the W I knew, but you know they are like that when they want something, or are making up for something.
She dove right into all the things she did while there, almost like trying to prove that she was so busy and in the places she was meant to be. Yeah. Pretty obvious. You turn off your location when you're going to be in the places you are meant to. 

The thing is..... before....... I'd have swallowed that hook, line and sinker. What a shame that we go down this road.
She talked for a long time, I enjoyed it (for what it is), I mean, how often do you get to converse with an MLC'er and it's really nice? Take it for what it is SS...... no getting your hopes up or any expectations (and I haven't.... LOL!!)
She's coming at a bad time for me to pick her up, so I asked her to get an Uber home. 

She's going to call again before her flight (which is in a hour)....... right....... you want to talk to me soooooo bad, but I don't hear a peep for two and a half weeks. Right. 

Just such a shame...... before it would have made me so happy. How we have to temper ourselves, question everything, and know that smoke and mirrors are oh so real. I wonder though...... returning to SS, gotta smooth things over, gotta make sure everything is just the way you left it........ when the MLC'er is playing their MLC games, do they think we are idiots? I think they do.

One call at a time,

-SS

[JohnnyBravo]

When my W made her first trip back to her hometown (after BD and marriage therapy, but before she finished moving out), she seemed to rush through describing the trip. I'm not sure what else she would have had time for, but it seemed odd. (For all I know, she was just feeling guilty about not spending my birthday with me.)

[HeavenlyFocus]

My W lied about a trip over a year ago and I eventually found out about the trip by looking at our phone records. (I know that I wasn't supposed to snoop but something was off and I was trying to figure out what was going on.)  I still didn't know about OM as she was supposedly visiting a GF.   When we were out on a date later that week, I asked her to tell me about her trip and I immediately saw hurt come over her face.   She didn't want to elaborate and I knew then something was up.   It was the last time I saw any remorse from her.

I do not feel that they think we are idiots.  I think they are so focused on themselves that they just don't care and even consider our feelings.   It's all about them.  I would never have imagined that my W would turn into this lying person who would destroy her relationships with her husband, kids, and close friends.   I may have been in denial but I was no idiot which is why she had to lie and still hasn't faced the truth today.   MLCers must have an awful burden to bear living with the lies and deceit.

HF

[Kind18]

That’s just the thing though… trying to understand what an MLCer is feeling/thinking is a one way ticket to crazy town.

Just accept that you can’t predict or understand any of their behaviour. Was she talkative because she’s being nice, or because she’s feeling guilt, or because she wants something …. The answer to that question is …. What does it matter?

MLCers must have an awful burden to bear living with the lies and deceit.

Um, no - quite the opposite. You think they’d carry a burden of lies and guilt because externally, that would be a normal, rational response.

A sensible, rational approach is the last thing an MLC would do. In their mind, their lies/deceit and the family train wreck is completely normal, and justified - and all of it is someone else’s fault.

[Ready2Transform]

That’s just the thing though… trying to understand what an MLCer is feeling/thinking is a one way ticket to crazy town.

Just accept that you can’t predict or understand any of their behaviour. Was she talkative because she’s being nice, or because she’s feeling guilt, or because she wants something …. The answer to that question is …. What does it matter?

MLCers must have an awful burden to bear living with the lies and deceit.

Um, no - quite the opposite. You think they’d carry a burden of lies and guilt because externally, that would be a normal, rational response.

A sensible, rational approach is the last thing an MLC would do. In their mind, their lies/deceit and the family train wreck is completely normal, and justified - and all of it is someone else’s fault.

Spot on! That's the point of replay - to not feel any of those things.

My xH, in the early days, would tell me he was living with guilt and it made him sad, but it was another way of trying to control me. If he felt bad, I shouldn't bring anything up to make him feel worse. The minute I did, good ol' monster would pop out and remind me that it was all my fault.

[AlvinTheMaker]

She's coming at a bad time for me to pick her up, so I asked her to get an Uber home. 

Wicked you, LOL....


Alvin

[MadLuv]

My xH, in the early days, would tell me he was living with guilt and it made him sad, but it was another way of trying to control me. If he felt bad, I shouldn't bring anything up to make him feel worse. The minute I did, good ol' monster would pop out and remind me that it was all my fault

Truer words have never been spoken!!!!   

[Standing Strong]

Journaling:

Well W did come home today. That's nice.
I heard the car door of the Uber outside, so I got the little dog and opened the door for her.
The little dog was sooooooo excited!! Momma's home!!!
W was very happy to see the dog. Seemed about the only one she was really happy to see (she ignored the birds entirely..... poor babies).
She played with the dog for a few min and then grew tired of that..... making herself a bowl of cereal before saying she wanted to lay down (I'm sure she's tired). I grabbed her and gave her a hug....... and what a weird hug it was!! A one armed hug from her  (other arm reaching out into the air  )
So weird. Maybe it was just strange for her, it was a strange reaction to me, but hey... I was going to lead. LOL!! At least I didn't try to plant one on her!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Now THAT would have been strange, I can't imagine the reaction. HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA.

Off she goes to lay down, and before running off to spin class, I check on her....... as expected, on the phone. LOL!!
I ordered pizza after class, and found her asleep (good). Fed her, and started a show, she passed out again before it was over (also good).

Well enough about her.
I was buying tickets like crazy today. There was an advanced showing of the new Ghostbusters, and I got two tickets. I've never been to an advanced screening before, I'm looking forward to it. Got two tickets and will drag W to it unless she fights it..... but I'm going. Going to have a great time.
Also bought tickets to a holiday show. This is something I really like doing, it is my own ritual. Been two years now going alone, which is always bittersweet. This time I bought two tickets for two days. One in early Dec to really kick off the holiday feeling, and another the day before Christmas Eve: that way it can REALLY feel like Christmas (my favorite time of year). I figure, if she's here or not, she should be here for one of those days..... and if not, I'm going two days no matter what. Life goes on, and it's on my terms. Going to be a wonderful Dec.

One day at a time,

-SS

[Thunder]

Oh Standing...this is none of my business but may I ask why on earth you went to hug her?
Knowing what she has probably been up to.
It's kind of like showing her no matter what she does you are right where she left you and you are ok with it.

I'm sorry Standing, but I seriously think it may be better to let her come to you when she is ready.  They seem to just recoil by any physical touch by us during their crisis..as they seem to feel pressure from this and I believe it is a turn off to them.

I seriously think it would be better to just do your own thing and just let her wonder what you have been doing while she was gone.  Maybe show her you are GAL while she has been gone, while no contact from her.
No games, but just maybe let her worry a bit about what you have been up to when she leaves you alone.

Well I just care....

Btw, what kind of birds do you have?  Are they parrots?

[UrsaMajor]

Oh Standing...this is none of my business but may I ask why on earth you went to hug her?
Knowing what she has probably been up to.
It's kind of like showing her no matter what she does you are right where she left you and you are ok with it.

I'm sorry Standing, but I seriously think it may be better to let her come to you when she is ready.  They seem to just recoil by any physical touch by us during their crisis..as they seem to feel pressure from this and I believe it is a turn off to them.

I seriously think it would be better to just do your own thing and just let her wonder what you have been doing while she was gone.  Maybe show her you are GAL while she has been gone, while no contact from her.
No games, but just maybe let her worry a bit about what you have been up to when she leaves you alone.

Couldn't have said it better myself....

[Standing Strong]

It's a gauge Thunder 
See what is happening in there. See if there's conflict.

I haven't kissed W in a long long time (maybe two years?), and THAT is too intimate and too close..... but still.... showing you have no fear (from time to time) is a smart thing (IMO). I think it's also important to show small things to keep open a "door". After all, let's say there's zero touch at all: how much justification can there be in that? Reverse it to a male in MLC, I'm pretty confident that could be spun heavily.
Since she thinks she has the wool pulled over my eyes, yes, a hug is a very small gauge with no real threat...... and now I have that answer. Really it's not a bad place for me: It could result in refusal/rejection (no damage to me) or have to play along and accept with some accompanying neurons firing up top. Since there has been no admitting, I have the advantage of knowing without her knowing that I know. HA!! That makes me think of Zoolander..... LOL!! The idea is create some doubt from time to time even if it's very small. If I'm pidgin holed into a role of "no touch", then break that mold ever so slightly. 

It's also a comparison to previous behavior, and that serves a purpose as well. There was a six month long period (last year) where hugs were wanted (never initiated by her) and she would hang on hard (sometimes cry).
Anyways, all an experiment. 

Yes the birds are parrots. The extra large one is very intelligent and affectionate. Her feelings were hurt by being ignored (poor baby), so I gave her extra attention and played with her before getting put to bed last night. Not the same as getting attention from her mom (which is what she wanted). [shakes head] 

-SS

[MadLuv]

I haven't kissed W in a long long time (maybe two years?), and THAT is too intimate and too close..... but still.... showing you have no fear (from time to time) is a smart thing (IMO). I think it's also important to show small things to keep open a "door". After all, let's say there's zero touch at all: how much justification can there be in that?

I can understand that! If your standing and wanting to keep that door open. Makes sense. I think if it is awkward then maybe next time skip the hug. Dont always give it??? IMO. Test the waters, but maybe not always throw out the life vest of security?? 

[Standing Strong]

I haven't kissed W in a long long time (maybe two years?), and THAT is too intimate and too close..... but still.... showing you have no fear (from time to time) is a smart thing (IMO). I think it's also important to show small things to keep open a "door". After all, let's say there's zero touch at all: how much justification can there be in that?

I can understand that! If your standing and wanting to keep that door open. Makes sense. I think if it is awkward then maybe next time skip the hug. Dont always give it??? IMO. Test the waters, but maybe not always throw out the life vest of security??

Yup, just an occasional thing. Letting know "this is ok", and maybe at some point she will do it. Or not.
In either way, humans can't go on without touch. I know (as a man) I will not live like this indefinitely..... but I will not hold the blame of not reaching out..... and I will not be afraid of touch. No more eggshells. 
Smart about it yes, fear about it no.

-SS

[xyzcf]

She is back home.

I was thinking how strange it is that they tell us very little of their lives. Lies, deception, having to monitor each word that comes from their mouths. I don't know the right words to explain this, for even with a casual friend, if I have been away or done something exciting, it becomes part of the conversation. They are always hiding aren't they?

Your plans for the holidays sound lovely! As well as the Ghostbuster's movie.

My thoughts about the hug....our relationships with our MLCer are unique to each of our situations. She arrived home after being away..and as we always say...it doesn't matter really if we hug them or not ( or so we are always saying). She isn't pushing you away when you touch her so really it is no big deal.

I often hug him when he arrives and we always kiss goodbye. I don't find it unusual at all. It would be more unusual to me not to greet him or say goodbye to him in what has always been "normal" for us. Very often he shows up with a gift for me, from his travels, again, this is "normal" for us.

I look forward to hearing more about how she is now that she is back. It is hard to stand by and see them this way. Continue to take good care of you (as you are doing).

[MadLuv]

My thoughts about the hug....our relationships with our MLCer are unique to each of our situations. She arrived home after being away..and as we always say...it doesn't matter really if we hug them or not ( or so we are always saying). She isn't pushing you away when you touch her so really it is no big deal

Agreed. My last in person interaction with my XH after he lost it and monstered and was holding his head bobbing asking for the voices in his head to stop. I rubbed his leg, hugged him and kissed him on the cheek. He did not flinch or push away. If that is the last interaction I have with him then I showed empathy. Did he deserve it? Probably not, but saw someone I loved for decades in distress and I had to comfort and show some love. I can live with that. He obviously is struggling to live with himself. When he looks back maybe he will remember that compassion. Maybe it doesn’t matter, but it mattered to me. It was a natural reflex for me. We are caring living souls. We do what comes from out heart and what is natural, because we are not the one in crisis. We are in trauma, but not in crisis. IMO

[Thunder]

Aw sorry about the bird, Standing.  I'm glad you tried to make it up to her.
They sadly even seem to turn away from their animals who love them.

Those Parrots live pretty long, don't they?

[Standing Strong]

Aw sorry about the bird, Standing.  I'm glad you tried to make it up to her.
They sadly even seem to turn away from their animals who love them.

Those Parrots live pretty long, don't they?

Oh yes.... the bigger one will live 40-60 years, and she is so well taken care of...... maybe longer (LOL!!). She has the intelligence of a 3 year old human, so it's really like a little child. They need lots of love or they can become depressed.

I had to take my car in for service this morning, so I had gotten up 1st (5am) and started my day. Opportunity to see how she is going to act. It would appear she has back slid some (also not a surprise). For a little while I could hear her moving around while I was in the bathroom, no "good morning"..... and I left without saying good morning (by then she was showering and getting herself ready. So I left, knowing that I would be back soon (she didn't) and I was curious if she would take care of the birds (whomever leaves last uncovers them)....... I return, and nope. They are covered and in the dark. Probably didn't even occur to her. How sad. Only takes a moment to uncover them, feed them, open their door. If I hadn't returned, they'd have been in there all day. Just so sad to see and know the MLC'ers are so withdrawn and stunted. The last year she had gotten back to the place where she would (sorta) help take care of them.
*POOF* HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!! The MLC'er two-step.... one step forward, two back, two steps forward one back..... rinse and repeat.

Looking forward to spin class tonight. Gotta work off that pizza (it was sooooooo good). 

-SS

[HeavenlyFocus]

Glad that you are doing well SS dealing with the up and downs with your W.   Glad the pizza was delicious and have a great spin class.

HF

[Thunder]

Yes it is sad, but not too surprising.  I saw a big change in my H when he was in crisis.  He adored our dogs and took them everywhere.
Well I saw him get annoyed and impatient over the least little things they did, and snap at them, where he would have laughed over those things before.  It confused the dogs...where had their loving daddy gone?

That was one of the first thing that came back when he worked his way out of his MLC, his love, kindness and patience with the dogs.

This may also be a gauge for you to watch for. 

I had no idea Parrots lives THAT long, or were that intelligent.  Thanks for the info.

[MadLuv]

Second that on Thundar. When my XH took the dogs for a week a few weeks ago he was distressed the older dog was struggling with arthritis and the younger dog he said was annoying him. I told him I was sorry he felt that way. They are literally my life line and reason to get up each day. IMO just a reminder to them that they needed to escape responsibility and also a reality check they dont want

[Standing Strong]

Oh yes T, they live a long, long time. The larger the parrot, the longer it lives.

If you see one of those solid blue McCaw's (royal blue with yellow ring around the eyes), they don't even know for sure how long they live. They are documented to last 120 years for sure, but records just haven't caught up to what their actual maximum lifespan is.
That literally is a pet for life (just like a big tortoise would be).

I've used the birds to gauge where W is for more than 2 years now. It just sad how they make improvement (like the last year) and it can evaporate in an instant. Not surprising, but still unfortunate. You always hope (or at least I do) that when something positive happens and is maintained for months that it's going to "Stick". Very easy to re-derail them, and no one knows where the bottom actually is (or can you even "See" it). 

-SS   

[HeavenlyFocus]

We lost two dogs last year during the BD year.  One in the summer that was old and needed to be put down.  The other was a rescue that we didn't know her age but developed chronic kidney disease.   It's sad as I think the BD and my W's spiral really impacted our dog.

We have one dog left and my W actually takes care of the dog.   She had the dog listed as emotional support dog and takes out in public all the time.   It's interesting as I think the dog gets a lot of attention but I wouldn't know now as I don't live with her anymore.

HF

[MadLuv]

HF- I agree on the animals being affected. My lab has gotten progressively worse and for months he would watch at the door for XH to come home. He is very sensitive. They impact so much with their exists. It’s very sad.

[JohnnyBravo]

SS,

I'm sorry, but I feel I must comment on a serious lapse in your judgement.

THERE IS ONLY ONE GHOSTBUSTERS MOVIE.     

(Also, Han fired first.)

JB

[Standing Strong]

Kinda an exciting update:

Journaling.....

Since BD, I have researched and learned all I could about MLC, and one of the areas that has fascinated me are the underlying physical things going on. We know there is psychological things happening, no doubt..... but what about the pathways, the hormones, all the physical things which our MLC'ers aren't going to show/share or face?
I had a lot of suspicions but no way to test my theories..... W was totally closed off, and not open to any suggestion (actually coming from me it would not only be discounted but actively opposed). So I put away my learning for another day when something could be possible.
Last night the window of opportunity opened. 

On her latest visit to South America, she went to the doctor down there and had some tests ran. I was very exited to hear this, especially since they were testing her thyroid (which is what I had been studying earlier). So I asked to see those tests last night, and while being a little put-out, she produced them for me.  Sure enough, something wasn't right with the levels. It didn't have all the information I was looking for, but she was going to make an appointment here for getting it further checked out. Perfect time to me to insert myself. I talked with her about some of the stuff I know, and what the symptoms of the problem are...... she was like anxiety "yes", insomnia "yes", heart palpitations "yes"..... on and on..... a whole list of "yes". I've known this the whole time but finally she is at a place to deal with this (and is open to me being part of it). All good.
A cure for MLC..... No.
A cure for additional complications that have made MLC worse? Maybe.
Does it undo the damage done during MLC? No.
Still have all that damage to process and repair (hopefully she has been working on that, maybe not)..... but if something can be done to repair something major that is happening in addition to MLC..... that would be a win. At least her quality of life would be better, and hopefully the odds would improve, but really, just wanting her life to be better no matter what.

I already know the clinic to take her to on the other side of the country (not trusting her to the butchers here).
It does make me angry at the medical system though. It hasn't been the 1st time I've had to step in and "know" what was wrong and push the docs to do what she needed. They never do the right tests, they never do the right treatments. When they are FORCED to do a test they don't want to, and the info comes back they are like "Oh, look at that.... you were right" and when this happens they are both shocked and "oh well" at the same time (this has happened multiple times during our M).

Anyway, I have some renewed hope that the right thing can be done. Something that needed to be done years ago and maybe that was always there. This would have been impossible earlier, she had to come to want to look at this possibility before I could be part of it. In that way, patience does open doors and time is our friend.

How do you process MLC if there is something big sitting on top of it? I think the answer is: you can't.
Well, hoping for the best and maybe turn a page in W's MLC saga (sample of one).

Edit:
Oh I forgot.... just an interesting side note:
She shared some of her writings with me last night. Two poems. One was whimsical, one was deep.
The 1st was all about not being what everyone else wants you to be, and that being yourself is what's important (a good message in some ways, but it was a little off IMO). I shutter when anything goes into "my truth", no, there is "The truth" not a twisted parody of it. "My truth" can mean anything you want it to be. Real truth can always be measured against standards of morality, goodness and love, not tied to something that is adjustable. HA!! Maybe that's "My truth". LOL!!

The 2nd was deep and was all about saying bye to the past. It was about what was missed, what mistakes, regrets and "what if's" there are in life. It questioned a life past but concluded that the past is the past, that we only have today and a hope for something good we make out of tomorrow. I think it was the expressing of grief for time lost and decisions made.
Interesting the things she's wrestling with. Big questions, big thoughts. Also interesting how all the themes are the same that LBS's grapple with.
Still, it was a marvel to get a glimpse inside, and for that I'm grateful. 

One day at a time,

-SS 

[Thunder]

"I talked with her about some of the stuff I know, and what the symptoms of the problem are...... she was like anxiety "yes", insomnia "yes", heart palpitations "yes"..... on and on..... a whole list of "yes".

I understand Standing but please know these are also symptoms of a midlife crisis when their hormones are all out of whack.  My H had all of these happen.
Even hot flashes.

But after about 3 years they were gone.

I think you just can't rush their process.

[Standing Strong]

Hi T

Oh it's not about rushing it, just about fixing something that is in addition to MLC.
I have a friend who was totally MLC'ed out..... he had a thyroid issue, and they finally cut part of it out...... *POOF* (sorta)...... the thyroid fog went away, and then he was able to work on his inner issues. He told me when he came off the table, it was like for the 1st time in years his mind wasn't racing and his "fog" was gone. It did take him a couple years afterward to put his life back together and accept all the terrible things he had done and how he treated people during his five year episode. He had childhood abuse issues and faced them after coming off the table.

So if someone has two different fogs going on, getting rid of one is a good step. Doesn't solve everything, but lets them "only" have one.    If that makes any sense.
I do think that hormones are a big part of MLC.... and they are absolutely thrown out of wack. I'd think this part is just in the brain, not manifesting in other organs. But if other organs are having troubles, they can add to the hormone issues already at work in the brain.
Just a thought and a guess.

Another (Ex)MLC'er that I personally know..... her MLC ended when she had part of her thyroid removed. She had a TON of abuse from her childhood that she began working on after part of her thyroid was removed. Not saying (at all) that this is a commonality, just a possibility (for some). I don't think a thyroid would just go back to normal when MLC is over, it would be a physical problem that is permanent. W has thyroid issues in her family, mostly manifesting as hypo and lots of weight gain (in her aunts and now her sister too)... this has not happened to her (yet), I've thought all along she has hyper and it would just be a matter of time until it burned out.

Which actually brings up a really interesting question: For those who do have this problem...... is it burning out at the same time as MLC (coincidence)? Or does something that is going on in the brain overwork it and cause it to fail (and contribute further to MLC symptoms..... reinforcing it)? I know a person can go into hyper for a bit and then bomb out into hypo as the organ burns out and fades. I know this is permanent: there is no growing or repairing a thyroid.   

It is an interesting topic isn't it?

-SS

[JohnnyBravo]

Really interesting update, SS. Thanks!

Edit to add that I hear you about the "frontier medicine" here. When W seemed to not take well to her first hormone prescriptions for perimenopause, a friend of mine at work said her first doctor misread her blood test and didn't set the levels right. She found another doctor who straightened it all out. (I tried to suggest that to W, but she was convinced that all doctors are the same.)

[AlvinTheMaker]

I have had thyroid issues a good while because of  the other meds I have to take. For me it really just manifests itself as "heat control issue" (cannot do well in hot weather, cannot do well in cold weather). All in all it is highly personal how people respond into thyroid issues. But definitely, if one has other health issues, it does add the discomfort.

Alvin

[Standing Strong]

Journaling:

It's been an interesting week...... W has returned to MLC'ing in various ways (as expected), but at least she is more talkative than normal. I figure any openness is an improvement. 

Tonight we are going to a movie, I'm looking forward to that. Something a bit more normal and hopefully fun. I've gotten so used to going alone, it will be strange having her with me. Funny how right after BD, it felt so strange to go alone and now it'll be the opposite. HA!! I plan on asking if she will be going away for Christmas instead of just waiting to find out. That'll be interesting.
Her birthday will be here in a couple days. Now she will be into her 40's. I've had several women tell me that turning 41 was harder than 40...... I can see why. Now that I think about it, that may have been the case for me as well. Fascinating.

She is back on a super exercise binge..... it's been a year or two since that was in the mix...... I'm not expecting it to last, but for the moment she is Gung-Ho about it. Maybe that will help her relieve some stress with something positive. Well, you can hope.
It is interesting how they can (appear) to try, but they are still totally dead and disconnected emotionally....... like that part is just absent. I wonder what that is like from their perspective. What is it like to have a giant gaping hole where a big part of you should be? Hmmmmmm.... maybe it's like what happens to us right after BD? Well, just like how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop: The world will never know. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!

She did open up last week as I asked her questions about work. That was  . I know people are different at work, but normally I'd think it's still you just with different responsibilities. Well, she was talking with relish about her "enemy" at work and how she was sabotaging her...... it was like conversing with a different person. Face expression different, demeanor different, tone different, heck I was ever questioning if her hair was different (HA!!).
So interesting..... This was different to the post BD "alien", altogether something different. Here was a person that I never see. Can't say I was impressed either. This was a mean person. I know in the corporate world a lot of people are very cutthroat, that's what this was. Yeah, didn't care for it. She is a success, but meh...... I wouldn't want to be that way. I'm very much me at work, me with a lot of responsibilities  I like me. 
Personally, I like the kind and loving W prior to her career. Can both co-exist? Something I don't have an answer for.

On to me!! The joints have taken a pounding and needed to heal...... several days away from spin  but you've gotta listen to the body and take care of it. You only get one.
Been shopping for Christmas, I hope to be done this month, but it's a lot.
Getting ready to cut the cord to Satellite. I didn't want to do the whole streaming TV thing, but sheesh, traditional TV has gotten soooooo expensive and we don't even use it that much. May as well save some money..... maybe streaming will be better anyway. Just like getting rid of a landline so long ago..... times change I guess. 

On to the dog!!
I had a dream last night he was pooping on everything and I couldn't get him to stop. HAHAHAHAHAHA!! It was quite comical because by the end, he had popped several times over his own body size. In my dream fog, I couldn't understand how this was happening, just that it was happening. LOL!!
He is a happy boy, and W has given him some time (Which is good for both). The bad (yet understandable) thing is: He's become "my" dog. Uh oh. W was calling him, and he was ignoring her and looking at me last night. Oh boy. I'm sure that made W really happy, HAHAHAHHA!! But when you go away a bunch, and don't walk him..... what do you expect? The little dog sees me so much more than her...... but he's "her" dog. 
Well, as long as he's happy and healthy. That's all that matters. 

Bring on the holidays!!

One day at a time,

-SS

[HeavenlyFocus]

She did open up last week as I asked her questions about work. That was  . I know people are different at work, but normally I'd think it's still you just with different responsibilities. Well, she was talking with relish about her "enemy" at work and how she was sabotaging her...... it was like conversing with a different person. Face expression different, demeanor different, tone different, heck I was ever questioning if her hair was different (HA!!).
So interesting..... This was different to the post BD "alien", altogether something different. Here was a person that I never see. Can't say I was impressed either. This was a mean person. I know in the corporate world a lot of people are very cutthroat, that's what this was. Yeah, didn't care for it. She is a success, but meh...... I wouldn't want to be that way. I'm very much me at work, me with a lot of responsibilities  I like me. 
Personally, I like the kind and loving W prior to her career. Can both co-exist? Something I don't have an answer for.

Interesting about your W and how different she is when talking about her career versus how she is at home.   During my W's MLC, she has talked about how she sacrificed and missed out on her career when she stayed home.   My W has seemed more career focused since BD rather than being a parent first.   I was supportive of her career but I always tried to balance out work and family life.   Seems it's tough for my W to find balance in her life as she works her way through her crises.

I switched over to streaming a year and half ago and will never go back.   Love all the options out there for streaming live TV and shows.    Enjoy the movie and keep loving on your little dog.

HF

[OffRoad]

Anecdote: As my XH ramped up to BD, he would come home and rail against the people at work who were all out to get him. I later found out they saw him spinning out of control long before I realized it, so limited his face time with any clients, which of course looked like they were cutting him out of things (they were, but only because he was going off the rails first).

To further clarify, XH always presented himself as a different personality to people who didn't know him. They normally never saw any anger, he never acknowledged his Dyslexia and tried to hide it or pretend when it affected what he had done it was someone else's fault. This again makes me wonder if the mask they wear at work (assuming some do, I know mine did) finally just slips and they cannot hide it any longer. Then they become paranoid because people can see what they thought they were hiding. "Successful" at work is kind of a relative term.

[JohnnyBravo]

This was a mean person. I know in the corporate world a lot of people are very cutthroat, that's what this was. Yeah, didn't care for it. She is a success, but meh...... I wouldn't want to be that way. I'm very much me at work, me with a lot of responsibilities  I like me. 

SS, you're a movie guy. Great quote from Harvey:
 

Years ago my mother used to say to me, she'd say, "In this world, Elwood, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant." Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant. You may quote me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUOxEwCuEgQ

Unfortunately, I get paid to be "oh so smart." But I look forward to just being "oh so pleasant" some day.

JB

[MadLuv]

I think in MLC the work aspect takes a toll on them. I think the need to keep that mask on is hard and takes enormous energy. My XH subordinates definitely started seeing the mask drop. After decades in the same company and me leaving so many reached out to ask if he was ok. Walking around with his head down. Looking like he was going to cry. He cycles even at work. Gets snappy. It’s something else.

Sounds like you have a new pal in your furry friend. Whether W or yours they know where the love is and they truly are man/womans best friend. Mine are a definite life line for me. Not sure what I would do with out my furry kids!

[Standing Strong]

Journaling:

I had to go out of town for an overnight...... W has been an irritable stable but kinda all over the place too.... a one night break was a welcome distraction 
I received an angry text from her thanking me for leaving her closet door open..... the little dog went absolutely berserk and destroyed her underwear, peed on her dirty clothes, and pooped in her closet. HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!
I felt a little bad, but was giggling on the inside..... my little boy had his revenge for her leaving all the time. 
Just a little mistake, that's life. 

I asked her point blank is she going away for Christmas, the answer was yes. Not a surprise, and it doesn't tear me up or anything like that. I already knew since I've been seeing her working on her Spanish over and over again. This will make three Christmas and New Years in a row. Well, so much for a sign of a turn this time around.
We're going to another movie in a little bit..... working on getting her doing "normal" things once again. It's having some effect (I think), every part is just so slow (as expected). Tomorrow is her birthday, I need to wrap her two gifts. Maybe she deserves them, maybe not.... but this part too isn't about her (not really), making someone feel special on their birthday is the right thing to do.
 
Looks like I'll have a nice long break once again before long (and I don't mind that.... actually have looked forward to it, how sad is that?).

Well, I'll be taking care of myself for the holidays once again, and that's not so bad. I've got the routine down pat. I'll be attending the twinkle parade for the 1st time, and that is very exiting  Been on my list for a long time.

Had one of those  moments today though..... I got home early (on purpose). Had told her what time I'd be back, showed up an hour early. When I got home, I heard a commotion upstairs. Put my stuff down and headed to the bedroom. As I was about to open the door I heard the bathroom door close (she had ran in there). So I open the door to say "hi" and the little dog is there to greet me, no W (closet and toilet doors closed), I call out "I'm home".... no answer. I call out "are you in here?".... no answer. I call out one more time..... no answer. Ok, whatever. I get the little dog and play with him for about 10 min before she comes out.... W says "Oh you're home.... you're home early......" like nothing happened, like I hadn't said anything  . Nice as nice can be...... she's talkative (and how I got her Christmas plans out of her). Nonsense prevails..... but it has no hold on me.

On to the little dog!! Daddy's boy!! I'm going to call him the "closet bandit". HA!! He took out his little dog rage on momma's clothes. What a good little boy. I bet it felt good. HA!!

On to me!! After a week of no spin, I'll be back at the grind tomorrow. Really looking forward to it. Not looking forward to seeing lower calorie burn numbers, but I'll get it back to where it should be soon enough.

One day at a time,

-SS   

[AlvinTheMaker]

.
This will make three Christmas and New Years in a row. Well, so much for a sign of a turn this time around.

Kind of amazing it's been so long already....

Take good care of yourself,

Alvin

[xyzcf]

Hi StandingStrong,

I really wonder how they interact with us on one hand and have a "private" and "secret" life on the other.

I am sorry she is leaving again for the holidays.

I will be with Mr. xyzcf but in a way, it matters not. He stays away most of the time but wants to be with us at this time of year....

Doggie makes you smile..that is good!

[JohnnyBravo]

the little dog went absolutely berserk and destroyed her underwear, peed on her dirty clothes, and pooped in her closet.

Yeah, my W didn't much appreciate the time I did that, either. HAHAHA!

(Just kidding, of course.)

[Standing Strong]

Journaling:

Life is a tale of two W's at the moment.
Haven't seen such flipping in quite a while. Angry, normal, angry, normal. At least it's not directed at me (I'm safe). The "normal" has had more kindness in it too, which is nice to see...... of course you always have to question niceness (is it real) but I just take it for what it is.

W had her B-day, and she really liked what I got her. Hopefully she had a nice day, I did all I could to make it so.
The periods where they almost.... almost..... open up, and then hold themselves back....... is it energy expenditure? Fear? Who knows what holds them back, but back they are held. LOL!!
Sometimes I see little bits of understanding and with it, verbal appreciation... but they are always fleeting.
Just glad I'm not in that boat. 

On to the little dog!!
He's such a hoot. He is so happy when he gets to lick a plate "clean". HA!! He turns one in a few days. Maybe I'll throw him a party (take him to the park). I got an answer to my bobcat concern from a couple weeks ago: I was talking him for a walk about 9 last night. Something was telling me "there's something up there".... but the little dog wanted to go real bad.... so up we went, onto the dirt path near the house. Dark as can be. Anyway, I'm looking all over the place, extra attentive. After a bit, I'm sweeping the light, and BOOM, there's that big grey head..... right on the path, five feet away from the dog!! He didn't even know it was there...... it was a cat, just a cat..... but a BIG cat. Totally still as can be, the path must be it's hunting ground. It was good to know there isn't a bobcat, and now we know where this cat likes to hang out in the middle of the night. The little dog was surprised, but it all went well. Cat didn't move, and I dragged the little dog away.

On to me!! Back to the gym, back to a more restrictive diet, and present shopping is half done. Progress all around. Happy to be closing out the year. Looking forward to a break too. 

One day at a time,

-SS

[Standing Strong]

Journaling:

It feels like a week has gone by..... but it hasn't..... HAHAHAHAHAH!!

W is acting really good (once again). It's nice to see her be more of "herself", not that it will last. 
The jacket I bought her for the B-day.... she's been wearing it every day (that's nice). In times past it wouldn't have been touched.
All little things, but things add up and compound. I'm so curious about when she will run away again....... not even a hint, but it can't be that far off.

I've been dieting and working out again, getting ready for the next big push. The body has had more than enough rest, but most of my classes are canceled for the holidays  not that I blame them.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving so we're going to SIL's house and be there all day. That will be fun and interesting. W can weather a full day now instead of the mask slipping and her collapsing. Improvement I guess. HA!! Tonight we make chocolate chip cookies for tomorrow. I know we'll start together, hopefully we'll finish it together instead of just me (that energy thing is so random). 

The little dog will be going with us...... when the day is over, he will collapse!! LOL!!! I guess that runs in the family. 

This holiday shopping season is really fun, different, but fun. I've bought too much already. HA!!
Depending on when W goes, there will be a tree or not. Normally if she's not here: No tree. It's a lot of work, and I don't want memories of putting it up alone. Maybe that's a little silly, but it's just something I haven't been able to bring myself to do yet. Maybe next year. 

Life seems so full, and there's much to do (too much sometimes). I like that unlike before, I have my list and that's it. I know she is watching, but it matters not. She can watch, she can join, but the list continues. HA!!

One day at a time,

-SS

[HeavenlyFocus]

Hi SS,

Glad to hear your W has been good again and that she is enjoying her birthday gift.   Hope you get the put up the tree and that your W gets to have fun putting it up today.

HF

[JohnnyBravo]

Depending on when W goes, there will be a tree or not. Normally if she's not here: No tree. It's a lot of work, and I don't want memories of putting it up alone. Maybe that's a little silly, but it's just something I haven't been able to bring myself to do yet. Maybe next year. 

Not silly to me...  I won't be doing much indoor decorating this year because that was W's domain. I did the outside, and have already started putting up the lights. I've always done a tree when I was solo in the past, so I might start doing that again at some point. Will be difficult with my half of our shared ornaments, though. (No tree this year since I'll be traveling, and JB doesn't abide fake trees.)

JB

[Standing Strong]

and JB doesn't abide fake trees.)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! That's awesome. LOL!!

I was the same way, until I didn't have a car that could haul a big tree (which has been so many years).

Hey HF 
Yeah, the cookie making didn't go according to plan..... she bombed out and procrastinated all night until finally opting out of helping make cookies. 
Just too much energy, too much emotion (I guess) and too many memories.
I made all the dough myself (four batches of toll house cookies) and set it to chill overnight. Guess who's going to be baking them in the morning....... not me. That's going to be fun.  She's going to love that. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!

One batch at a time...

-SS
 

[Standing Strong]

Journaling: Another week in the can..... and a full week it was (on all fronts) 

Thursday Night:
Thanksgiving is in the bag..... what a nice time too. A lot of little things (it's always little) that illuminate..... bits. 

W got up early, early this morning (3am or shortly after), I woke up but didn't know what time it was. I mentioned the cookie dough was ready for her.... HAHAHAHAHAH!! Now I didn't mean to spring this on her at 3am, but what do I know, I was half asleep. She responded with an angry "it's 3am!!"..... oh.... LOL!!
Well, as luck would have it..... when she got up for real five hours later..... she got to baking (I had gotten up later and set the oven to pre-heat for her though).
That's nice, she's doing some work. That's good. We packed up the little dog and off we went with him crying and whining all the way.

It was an enjoyable day, and the little dog had a BLAST. Ran around with other dogs, no accidents, the food was good, the company was good. A good day.
Interestingly enough, W butted in on a few conversations about "who made what", and to her credit, she said "SS made the cookies". Wow. The last couple years, I never received direct credit for anything, if there was something good, then it would always be "WE" did such and such....... and of course that would always be with her doing nothing. In this case, she listed every part and every step that I had did, and wanted to make sure I received credit for it (and the cookies were a big hit). It's just nice that she noticed. It's so easy to be taken for granted completely, and you get used to it. Just nice, and a change (a small one).

W made it thru a seven hours of the visit, and made ornaments with the kids (something she, and they, love doing each year). Great to see her connect and really find some of that joy which always seems to miss her.

When we got home, then she needed to collapse (and did), and so did the little dog.... HAHAHAHAH!! She found him sprawled out and deep asleep shortly after getting home. What a nice way to end the day for him. 

A little happiness, a little joking and kidding around, and a little recognition. I'd say this was a fine day.

Friday:
The good times keep rolling: W went on a walk with the dog and me (a rarity), and even bought me a smoothie while out shopping with her sister. It's nice to be thought of....... of course it could have just been because SIL asked if I'd like one or something like that, but I'll take it for what it is: It was delicious!! HA!! 

Weekend:
Back to the gym in full force!!! Two days in a row of burning 4K calories a day. YES!! Feels good to be really hitting it hard once again.
I'm starting a new full body workout routine starting Wednesday, looking forward to that... it's a shredding program, lifting heavy and eating very lean for a month. Very exciting!! I joined an online program to track and schedule all these exercises. Going to be pushing myself very hard this month.   
W has been all over the place..... and she was open enough for me to see her flipping up and down, back and forth.
Very interesting....... She made very direct statements of "I'm old"...... not I'm getting old, not I'm feeling old.....  just "I'm old". 
Then she decided to look at her family history by looking at tombstones online of everyone she's related to.  Reflecting on each..... noting how old each one was when they passed. How morbid!!
She shared more of her writings and poems with me, evidently she's writing up a storm, almost every night. It all has to do with letting go and being enough with who you are and not chasing things that are unreachable. This are some good outlooks, maybe some growing up is happening (maybe), certainly she is trying to tackle issues within herself. It is messy.
Tons of flipping, stating she wants to do something in particular and then being too tired or paralyzed to actually do it.
Tonight however, she cooked dinner (which only happens a couple times a year at most. That was really nice.

I've been think about all the "stages" that I have seen since everything started...... she has.....Hmmmmmm..... come a long way? I can count on two hands different distinct "phases" that she has passed thru. They are all quiet different from one another, but difficult to classify. The affair phase has had lots of different stages. Where she is in that is really hard to understand (lack of info), but I have seen elation, crashing/sorrow, blame, anger, running...... I've seen an alcohol phase, and the desire to have friends phase, the workaholic phase several times, the want to abandon and start over phase, the need for forgiveness phase, and now this deeper questioning/reflection phase. I'm sure it'll make more sense further on down the road...... I certainly couldn't see as much as I can now earlier. So interesting.
I remember in the beginning the desire to know what "stage" the MLC'er is in was so interesting and paramount..... now it's like "eh..... whatever stage is whatever stage....... she's not done yet"........ HA!!  Or as Elvira says on my favorite pinball game "Wake me up when you're done"..... HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!

Well, Christmas is almost here, my present shopping is almost done and still no work about when she's going. I have to believe that's still going to happen, but what if this is the year the chain of being gone is broken? That'll be an interesting bridge to cross when it finally comes. LOL!!  No expectations, I expect less than nothing. HA!!

One day at a time,

-SS

[MadLuv]

Ss- Great update!!! Sounds like a really good “normal type” holiday. Who would of thunk it?? 

[JohnnyBravo]

Great update, SS. I'm hopeful for you that W's acceptance of who she is is a step forward for your relationship. Sending positive vibes to you guys.

You also point out the benefit of a move-out MLCer: The only stage I'm aware of (for now) is "not here."

JB

[xyzcf]

Nice SS...your writings about the little dog always make me smile as well.

The benefit of seeing the MLCer from time to time is that it allows us insight into them.....they are still "in there". We see glimpses of it and it's hard not to hope that they will someday come through all this, and for those of us who want it, that they will someday be able to enter into a relationship with us again.

Have a great and blessed holiday season!

[Standing Strong]

Journaling:

Last night was an event we used to go to for years.... a big Christmas light display. I really love stuff like this, makes me happy, puts me in the Christmas mood 

Well, since BD...... I have gone alone...... Covid or no Covid (LOL). This year I bought two tickets on two different nights. I don't mind going twice (at all) and figured I may be able to get her to go for one of them..... well last night I did 

Very interesting to watch her reactions.
She almost skipped out, and watching her attempt to wiggle out of it..... I would let her out of it if she asked, but I wasn't going to just let her out of it too easily. As the time approached to go (entry is at a specific time due to Covid), she began to complain about being tired, and about it being cold. The SS of before would have asked if she didn't want to go..... and in years earlier (after BD) it still probably would have been appropriate, but not now....... so I packed her up and into my car we went (I drove since she was tired). As we drove, she started complaining about feeling sick. Now isn't that interesting? I am under the belief that is was psychological, the stress of doing something with a lot of memories attached. This "feeling" on her part increased right to the point of arriving and walking to the entrance.  After going inside *POOF* she wasn't feeling sick anymore. Funny how that works. She later explained that the walking must have helped. No, that wasn't it at all. It was facing a stressor head on.

The event was really nice, I absolutely love things like this. At one point there was a young couple with a little kid, trying to take a photo.... so I offered to take a picture of all three of them...... W jumps in to take the photo and afterward they offer to return the favor. W looks resistant and a little panicked....  so I answer "yes"  HA!! We get our photo taken on my phone, the 1st of us together in a very long time. Right after this, *POOF*, W is running away, fast. Not a word. 
She comes back saying she dropped her glove, maybe, I think the whole thing was a bit too much (in the moment).
By the end of the event, she had loosened up a bit. That was very nice, and she was totally drained and wanted to sleep (which later she was unable to sleep, poor thing).
 
Just interesting to see how they deal with a little push, even if it's an enjoyable one. What was normal and fun, can be so nerve wracking and they want to avoid it. I hope that once they face it, move thru it, they'll find something on the other side. In this case, I think that did happen. It wasn't too much, wasn't too little, it was just right. 

One day at a time,

-SS

[JohnnyBravo]

Sounds like a good night, SS.

I guess it makes sense that just like the LBS needs (or may need) some prodding to get a life and get themselves on the path to recovery, the MLC needs it even more so. With much more damage, they need much smaller steps and a much longer time.

[Standing Strong]

Journaling:

Had an interesting thing happen today (it was one on those "doh!!" moments  ).
I was talking to a female co-worker, I hadn't seen her in a long time (many months).
Anyway, she is very well "put together", and since she was there, I popped in and said hi (as I do with everyone).
Since it's the holidays, I asked if she was taking time off (we all need to) and I know she has at least one young one at home and of course her H.
Well.... I've known this person for...... 16, 17 years, something like that...... and the subject always turns to family since it's the holidays.
I love the holidays, and I love family and happy for people who have families.
At one point the conversation got to when she got married (I was fuzzy when it was, just knowing it had been awhile). And the answer was 15 years ago....... Wow time flies, I remember when that happened and mentioned remembering it and how at the time she had said she'd never planned on getting married. So I congratulated her and said something like "see!! And 15 years later in a blink, here you are"  Happy as can be...... and then she tells me "We aren't together anymore. It's ok, you wouldn't know"..... I apologized (shocked).... and she mentioned them still being great friends and that she got her kids out of the whole thing.

This is very strange to me, and I hear it A LOT. I work almost exclusively with professional women, and a whole lot of them (hundreds). Many of them I have really good friendships with. I have seen this trend more and more with relationships breaking down in this age group and when there's kids, the whole "we're still friends" and "I got to have my kids" kinda stuff. What is that?
I've seen it with my cousin also, where the desire to be "free" is very evident, but also the desire to get kids out the way is also quite strong. I've actually had many co-workers tell me they were glad to have their kids but didn't really want the fathers (or at least until after they had the children). This is confusing, and seems quite counter productive. Wouldn't you want your partner MORE when the weight of being a parent is there? If I was a father, I would. It is just a little confusing to me.

In this case, I had to put my foot in my mouth..... I think it was not common knowledge, and that's when I noticed her wedding ring was gone. Oops.  It wasn't long after that, that she got really open with me, and was being playful in a way I have never seen from her before (it was pretty light, but it was there). Woah..... ok. So what is this? I got the impression from her that she got rid of him, and that could be for any number of reasons, but how sad!! She's a few years older than me, the weird thing is, I see this a LOT at work. The behavior, the age....... I'm NOT saying MLC or anything like that....... if I overlay W with these ladies....... right around 40 (just before, or just after) *BOOM* they are on the hunt. Marriages, long term relationships..... *POOF*..... and they are VERY open to "something else". I've seen this more than several dozen times.
What is this? (Do the men do this too? I couldn't tell ya, I know far more women than men. There are FAR more women than men in my professional environment and that disparity continues to increase every year).

It's just very sad to me. People hit 40 and go on the prowl? I sure didn't go thru anything like that. How terrible.

One day at a time,

-SS

[marvin4242]

SS there is probably no single explanation. But one reason may be women as they mature and become more comfortable with themselves decide it’s not worth “settling” for a less then satisfying relationship. That any marriage is not better than being alone.

Relationships need to evolve and grow or they die out.

[JohnnyBravo]

Relationships do seem to be much more "disposable" these days, just like many other formerly durable goods, I suppose. It's all over TV, etc. The only close female friend I can think of who divorced did it because her husband developed extreme hoarding tendencies and wouldn't stop. So, I think she divorced to protect herself and the kids.

I can only think of two other couples I've known long-term, and they're still together. One with kids, one without.

The trend is a bit disheartening... I think that's one of the reasons I thought my wife and I would endure, as we just got started at that age, so I thought all of that was behind us.

JB

[UrsaMajor]

2 things:

1) Welcome to the "disposable society" where everything and everyone is simply something to be used and then, if and when it is no longer useful, can be discarded. People and relationships take on the status of a car - run it until the maintenance costs exceed the perceived value and then get rid of it...

2) Men do this too - maybe not so much the "kids" part - that is where the male stereotype of the "player" comes from ... now there is equal opportunity...

[Pacman]

1) Welcome to the "disposable society" where everything and everyone is simply something to be used and then, if and when it is no longer useful, can be discarded. People and relationships take on the status of a car - run it until the maintenance costs exceed the perceived value and then get rid of it...

This is life in a crap cake. That plus social media and mainstream movies make everything look "perfect" where as real life takes work......WORK? What's that...oh sounds to hard. I will just give up instead. This apple looks better than the pear I last ate. Oh I hate apples but I am gunna eat it anyway.

[xyzcf]

I have heard this comment, that because we live much longer than in past times, that we were never made to stay with the same person for 30, 40 or 50 years.

I read an email after BD from our best man from our wedding telling my husband "I can understand why you would want to fall in love again at this age"...we were 55 years old...I didn't know that he was not in love with me. This guy continues to be my husband's best friend.

When I questioned what his co-workers and bosses would think ( they had known me for 35 years) his response was they wouldn't care, they were all on their second and third marriages themselves.

However, I care. I did not marry for just a certain period of time. Before we married, he was the one who told me we didn't need to get a "marriage contract" the equivalent to a pre-nup where we lived because we would never divorce. Was I wrong to believe him?

I mistakenly thought that couples who divorced had not been compatible for a long time, they both wanted out...I had never heard or seen a couple where one person made all the decisions to end the marriage.

But like many things in life, you accept and deal with the fallout, for yourself, for your kids, for other family members who loved and miss him as well.

[HeavenlyFocus]

However, I care. I did not marry for just a certain period of time. Before we married, he was the one who told me we didn't need to get a "marriage contract" the equivalent to a pre-nup where we lived because we would never divorce. Was I wrong to believe him?

I mistakenly thought that couples who divorced had not been compatible for a long time, they both wanted out...I had never heard or seen a couple where one person made all the decisions to end the marriage.

But like many things in life, you accept and deal with the fallout, for yourself, for your kids, for other family members who loved and miss him as well.

I 100% agree with XY's thought process on marriage.   My W and I had a tough couple of years and difficulties dealing with a near-death experience and extended hospital stay for my W.   There is no doubt that what she and I went through during her long recovery impacted our marriage.   And at the same time, I was still willing to work through the hard times and rebuild on marriage.

I am now at the stage of accepting and dealing with the fall out but it's hard to watch my W struggle.   Focused on my kids and letting my W be is all I can do now.

HF

[Standing Strong]

How the world turns.......

Journaling:

As W's trip approached, she was nicer and nicer (HA!!).... and I was looking forward to my time off (LOL!!).
Then I got sick, and a day later so did W...... and before she would be allowed to get on a plane had to get a Covid test, which came back positive.  Of course.

This totally wrecked her for the afternoon: crying and thinking everything is a conspiracy against her. 
In her anguish she did tell me something that was interesting though....... she knows I don't get sick (I don't) and so I was enjoying the experience: the chills, the fever, the weird dreams, disorientation..... all fun to me. Well, she asked me if I still thought it was just the Flu and I said yes (and I still think it's just the Flu) and that I was enjoying it. She replied "Of course you do....... you're so well protected..... nothing bad ever happens to you".  I think that was a very interesting statement...... It makes no sense at all, but somehow it does make sense to me. 
Once she got over it, she seemed to be at peace and her fit only lasted for six hours or so. I think that's a marked improvement over previous fits. Much shorter duration. 

My plans for the week are shot now.... HA!! And if my test also comes back positive, then no seeing family on Christmas. That stinks!! Oh well, not the end of the world, just terrible timing!!

I am going to really miss watching the Matrix on opening night though. 
The flip to that is that W wants/likes to watch a movie with me at night now. That's also an improvement. So slow, but the movement is there. Being sick together is a good excuse to talking and opening a window for caring.
This is my fifth day being sick, and she hadn't done anything to look after me until last night when she seemingly "Remembered" how to check someone's temp. Out came a laser thermometer and she was zapping me left and right. HA!!
I think they forget what to do, and wonder how much they should do. Gotta poke and lead and support. So much support. Maybe like teaching a stoke person how to operate once again (maybe not).
Setbacks are opportunities. I'm enjoying being sick together and hoping for some healthy leaning on one another.

One day at a time,

-SS

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Sorry to hear about the illness.

she knows I don't get sick (I don't) and so I was enjoying the experience: the chills, the fever, the weird dreams, disorientation..... all fun to me. Well, she asked me if I still thought it was just the Flu and I said yes (and I still think it's just the Flu) and that I was enjoying it. She replied "Of course you do....... you're so well protected..... nothing bad ever happens to you".

There are so many people who rarely get ill look forward to being sick. Hah! I too rarely get sick , but when I do, I don't enjoy any part of the process. Now, I have not had the flu or covid, but from what I hear, neither is a pleasant event.

if I overlay W with these ladies....... right around 40 (just before, or just after) *BOOM* they are on the hunt. Marriages, long term relationships..... *POOF*..... and they are VERY open to "something else". I've seen this more than several dozen times.

I agree with UM and Xyzcf that this notion of long-term commitment is falling out of fashion. YOLO is the new term that seems to be the excuse for bad behavior. Of course when we live in an age where no one keeps their word, in fact just tell people what they want to hear so you can get what you want.

I don't know if you can put a number on it, but there seems people reach a point where they want to rewrite their lives. To pursue something new, something different, maybe even revisit life choices. Past relationships that fizzled decades ago now seem to be their "soulmates". It happens to both men and women. For both, it is all about being able to attract the attention of someone new; feeling sexy again, emotions and excitement about the new thing.

Before you know it, you've thrown everything away. Spouse, kids, probably friends and family, career, and most of all- respect for yourself. In fact my ex , who in the beginning of the crisis considered my parents as equally deserving of contempt, now calls them Mom and Dad, and even went to visit them when she was last in California. I have not spoke to her for a while, but it seems she has started to try and recover some things she has lost along the way. However, it is a difficult process and in my case, that is a bridge that has been burnt to a crisp.

In your wife's case, how does she know your level of discomfort or pain? Of course she wants you to be better as it follows her victim mindset and she is the only true one that suffers.

Well, I hope you feel better and the focus is on finding your bliss and maintaining your sense of self during this part of your journey through life.

((((Ready))))

[5hilmerton]

Hey SS,
so sorry you are dealing with what you have, Flu or Covid.  I am glad you can always find the positive in a tough situation.  Don't under estimate Covid and the variants.  My daughter and family live in Italy and hunkered down in quarantine for more than three months.  There was death all around them, so much that the crematorium closest to them broke down.  When there was a death in their family the family members had to pick up the body and would take the body to the other side of the island for creamation.  I get that was pretty graphic but i have seen many die around me, all of them were non believers and did not get vaccinated.

I always appreciate how Ready can give another perspective in which we can process and interpret our MLC experience and reality.

Wishing you a quick and complete recovery.

5hil

[HeavenlyFocus]

As W's trip approached, she was nicer and nicer (HA!!).... and I was looking forward to my time off (LOL!!).
Then I got sick, and a day later so did W...... and before she would be allowed to get on a plane had to get a Covid test, which came back positive.  Of course.

This totally wrecked her for the afternoon: crying and thinking everything is a conspiracy against her. 
In her anguish she did tell me something that was interesting though....... she knows I don't get sick (I don't) and so I was enjoying the experience: the chills, the fever, the weird dreams, disorientation..... all fun to me. Well, she asked me if I still thought it was just the Flu and I said yes (and I still think it's just the Flu) and that I was enjoying it. She replied "Of course you do....... you're so well protected..... nothing bad ever happens to you".  I think that was a very interesting statement...... It makes no sense at all, but somehow it does make sense to me. 
Once she got over it, she seemed to be at peace and her fit only lasted for six hours or so. I think that's a marked improvement over previous fits. Much shorter duration. 

So finally a Christmas together forced by sickness.   Sorry to hear that you and your W are not feeling well but maybe an opportunity. (With no expectations of course.) 

I am going to really miss watching the Matrix on opening night though. 
The flip to that is that W wants/likes to watch a movie with me at night now. That's also an improvement. So slow, but the movement is there. Being sick together is a good excuse to talking and opening a window for caring.

Matrix will be also available on HBO Max if you still want to watch opening night at home and have  option to stream HBO Max.  The Matrix may be a movie worth waiting for in the theater but you could watch it at home.  I can't wait to see Matrix Resurrections!

HF

[JohnnyBravo]

There are so many people who rarely get ill look forward to being sick. Hah!

I can actually relate to SS's enjoyment in some sense... I live in a place where it's often sunny, and I have a compulsion whereby if it's nice out, I have to be doing something. It doesn't even have to be outside work, but if it's sunny out, I can't just sit on the sofa and watch TV. If it's crappy out, or I'm sick, I can.

[Standing Strong]

That's exactly right.... a Christmas together (forced). Sure it's not the way I had dreamed of the "*POOF* Streak" to end (or maybe just disrupted), but I'll take it for what it is... an opportunity. Probably nothing big will happen, but it will show what time together is like.
On Christmas, I'm going to pull out some board games, make some Swiss Miss, and have a good time. No expectations.

Sickness has (re)revealed what I have missed most during MLC...... having someone who cares.... while also being able to show a little more compassion because there is a genuine need. I've been able to see some of that mirrored and parroted back. Is it genuine, is it real? Who knows, but someone has to go thru the motions before the machinery can spin up again. Gotta lube those cogs, turn them manually just a little. 

I'm not sure Ready if the the need for victimhood is as strong as I would have thought. Which is puzzling, I really don't know what will happen..... when her test shows clear she will go? The trip is just scrapped? She's already jumped right back into work, only doing it from home. She seems rather happy doing work.... it's very odd...... but her interaction has increased dramatically, wanting to zap me for my temp, making sure I eat (And her too - SUPER rare), and talking about her symptoms which is a nice openness that promotes discussion. A lot to be happy about, even if small and temporary.

-SS

[FaithWalker]

I hope you are on the other side of the sickness now SS. 

[Standing Strong]

Hi FW, 

Yes, doing better now.... I was hospitalized for a week........ really got nailed hard by Covid. Still recovering, still on oxygen. Not what I was expecting or planning for the holidays...... but that's life and time moves on. Actually I learned a whole lot that's really important, and I'm very thankful for all that. Can't complain, and learning how crummy it is to be in a hospital...... well, now I can understand and empathize with others in a way I couldn't before..... and that's something good........ always some silver lining in all things. 

W received an emotional shock with me getting knocked out, I hope that's a good experience for her, but I think she will retreat to how she was just before the Covid shock. In that way, I'll probably be the only one to truly gain from it. Well..... I figure if someone is going to gain, then it may as well be me. 
She has already made plans to re-do her vacation here in a couple weeks..... just long enough to make sure I'm ok, and then she can *POOF*. Guessing she will be gone three weeks as planned, but it's possible it could be longer as this stress was unexpected for her.

Well, nice to be writing again, nice to be breathing halfway decent again, nice to have energy again, nice to be home again.

I hope this is going to be a great year for all the LBS's here, I think it's going to be a wonderful year...... that's what I choose anyway. 

-SS

[Thunder]

Standing I'm so glad you are better, sounds like you dodged a bullet.

I hope you keep mending.

 

[FaithWalker]

I'm so glad that you are home again! 

I just shake my head at these disordered MLCers.  Seems to show that nothing can shake them and wake them up from their crisis.

[Curiosity]

Wow, SS, I’m so sorry you had a rough course with the illness. I am happy to hear you are on the mend… and completely unsurprised that you managed to find the lessons and the positives in even this difficult situation. I hope you continue to recover well. Happy new year to you!

[marvin4242]

SS so sorry to hear you ended up in the hospital, but I am glad that no matter how bad you are now out and recovering. Covid is no joke and no one is immune, sounds like you were more likely to have been hit with Delta. I wish you a quick and full recovery. Had you already gotten your booster shot before you got sick?

Take it easy and take care of yourself. It is sad that nothing really can cut through the pain and confusion that MLCers are in. I hope she did manage to some empathy and care while you were in the hospital. Do you have people who can help you while you are recovering with various tasks?

[Treasur]

I’m sorry too, SS, that you were poorly enough to end up in hospital but very glad you are here to tell the tale. Don’t be surprised if, as you are recovering, you need a bit of support or find yourself feeling a bit emotional....your body has been through a rough ride and it’s normal to feel like that as you recover. And of course it may provoke some feelings about how much or how little you are getting from the current relationship with your wife as it is now, what the balance is between giving and receiving, bc of course it is easier to be generous towards others when we feel strong and not so easy when we feel vulnerable or depleted.

[MadLuv]

SS- I’m so sorry to hear, but so glad you are headed to recovery and healing.These are reality check moments. Where we are and where those who care about us are. Take care of your physical and emotional health, as these moments stir up so much more sometimes than we could have imagined. Well, for me they do.

[Nas]

So sorry to hear you ended up in hospital but glad you’re doing better.
Do you have people around to help you until you’re back to feeling much better - and also importantly, to walk the dog for you? I haven’t had covid but have certainly picked up a few hacks over the past few years. You’ve probably got a system going for yourself but I’ll share some things that I wouldn’t normally have ever thought of that have helped me when I’m sick and alone - these help especially at night:
Keep way more fluids than you even think you’ll need near you when you’re sleeping. (Nothing worse than waking up disoriented and dehydrated). I keep a 12 pack of Gatorade and a 32 Oz water bottle next to me - this was hard learned after many nights of being unable to move and not having anything to drink. Don’t underestimate the agony of extreme thirst lol.
Don’t laugh - keep a walking aid of some kind near the bed (sounds absolutely crazy and you may never use it, but dizziness can hit at the worst moment and better safe than sorry.)
For me, miso soup is a cure all. If you have no appetite, it’s easy to get down and provides some sustenance. If you’re hungry but not feeling great, it’s easy to get down and makes you feel better. I’ve lived on it for weeks at a time. 😉
And keep your phone on you literally at all times in case of emergency.
Take good care, SS.

[Standing Strong]

I just shake my head at these disordered MLCers.  Seems to show that nothing can shake them and wake them up from their crisis.

You know, I was hoping to see something in there....... a glimmer of....... something....... a minor "ah-ha" moment in the middle of being seriously sick, and some real danger of something really terrible happening (to me and how would that be handled)........
It's been said that MLC'ers can kick out of it in a life or death situation for a little while.
For me, this was a life or death situation..... never been in a position of not being able to breath before....... it was very scary for me at moments. I could over-react.... absolutely possible..... it was scary...... the very real experience of running out of air, I never want to do that again, and for a solid week breathing was very much in question..... , the thought of expiring did pass my head more than a few times because what else are you going to think about when you can't breath?.... and I did wonder what W's reaction would be as I struggled....... genuine concern? Love? Fear? It was a real question..... and the answer wasn't a real surprise (unfortunately). She snapped into action to make sure nothing happened to me. I don't think it was any kind of deep love or emotion...... it was "expected" to make sure I survived, and that the danger needed to pass so that "her normal" could resume.... and so that is happening. She is helping, there is some basic concern, but this isn't a "Deep" rooted emotional connection or anything like that........ which of course is what I want, just like any LBS. Getting cared for is nice, it makes me remember something from years and years ago when caring wasn't a question, was never a doubt, when love just was. Well, it's nice to be cared for a little even if it isn't the kind of caring you hope for, dream about, or assume will be restored once again someday.

Well, it was interesting to watch and observe. She's already largely back to being in her own world, and planning for her trip. The concern required is rapidly being replaced with her normal behavior and indifference....... and soon those little bits will be gone also.
Back to normal, it was interesting to see while it lasted and watch the contrast.   

-SS

[marvin4242]

SS it just sounds awful, I am so sorry you went through that. Can't even imagine what it would feel like. I am not even going to say anything about your Ws reaction at that time.

Just focus on yourself right now, keep healing physically and getting better and I am glad you are on the mend side of this awful experience. Hope you have all the help you need whether your W is willing/able to be there for you or not.

[5hilmerton]

Hey SS i am so sorry you are going through the battle with Covid.  As always i am riding your shirt tail.  My entire family was just diagnosed with Covid.  Feeling pretty sick, tomorrow i need to make an appointment with my Dr. due to my compromised immune system.  Wishing you a complete recovery very soon.

5hil

[Pacman]

SS I'm am sorry to hear what you are going through. I certainly hope you are on the mend physically.

Touch wood I haven't known anyone with Covid but it's not far as it has infiltrated my work environment.

Stay safe and look after you.

[HeavenlyFocus]

Hi SS,

I am glad that you are starting to feel better and I can imagine impact of being a hospital for a week and confronting the reality that we all face that our time her on earth is not forever.  When my W was in the hospital for 3 months, it definitely changed both her and my views on life.   As for your W, she isn't in the state where she can take care of herself let along her husband.   Good luck with your recovery, and I hope have a blessed new year.

HF

[Standing Strong]

Thank you everyone for the well wishes    It does mean a lot.

I'm recovering really well, really fast....... faster than I expected (but none too soon). Looking forward to getting back to diet and exercise (still way too early, but ya gotta have goals). Maybe three weeks, maybe sooner..... but I'm looking forward to it. At least I can breath 

W has already retreated completely into her world once again. *POOF* That didn't take long...... HA!! I don't know how taxing it was for her to pop her head out partially, but I suspect it was very draining. Not that she was open except for a few very special moments, but it is pretty astonishing how fast they can shift gears back to where they were..... and how priorities can turn on a dime. Now when she asks how I'm doing, it's just checking the box..... "he's ok", there's no concern of any type....... and I see annoyance creeping back in..... that part is really sad to see, but not unexpected. It would have been nice to have some little foothold to hold on to, but I don't see it.... maybe something will reveal itself later as a common element..... it's just so fast..... and the discarding of effort and responsibility is in full swing with W......although I'm so thankful to have seen some caring and compassion there for a little while...... to feel something's forgotten and to stop for a moment and take stock of what has been gone, feel the hurt of it's missing, observe it's pale temporary substitute, and then watch it slip away again........ bittersweet but glad for all of it. I think it's so easy to forget...... I don't want to ever lose that, no matter how much it can hurt to be reminded.

Well, it sure is nice to feel a little better every day. So much to be thankful for.   

-SS
   
 
     

[Standing Strong]

Journaling:

I've had a few days to rest, heal a bit more, and to put some pieces together from my adventure in health (HA!!).

Noticed a few things...... curious (not unexpected), just don't "see" them until you "see" them. 
It finally connected for me that during my Covid event.... there wasn't any touch with W. How interesting is that?
I reached out a lot. I'm sure for some reassurance, some affection, some.... something....... but I realized, there wasn't one hug. No pats on the arm. Not the holding of a hand once. Oh she steadied me for walking a few times, but that isn't the same at all.... it's utilitarian. Zero emotion. Anyway...... it was a realization, and a little bit of a sad one. I had thought there was some connection or compassion and I guess there was in her own limited way (more than normal), but no touch. How interesting.

She's leaving on her trip come Wednesday next week, and then I will be alone for three weeks. Looks like I get my break after all. I just hope I can be back to the gym soon, but I have a feeling I won't be good enough for that yet for weeks to come..... and that's ok. A rest isn't a bad thing. 

I got one of those Tolava ovens, and delivered food is going to start appearing today. How exciting!! Pop the box into the unit, and it spits out food. Closer and closer to the Jetsons. HA!! I just hope it's healthy, it should be. Help with dieting: more real food, less protein shakes. 

Update: I'm walking the little dog once again..... he's a very happy boy now. Getting two walks a day from me. The Covid healing continues apace. Hoping to get him back to three walks within a week.  He's jumps so high in the air when he sees his collar and leash come out. Poor little guy and his three weeks without walks, I was so sad for him every day. Life returns to normal, and none too soon. 

One day at a time,

-SS

[AlvinTheMaker]

Oh my oh,

you did have a rough Christmas.  But good to see you getting back up.  Just remember to take good care of yourself, and remember that recovery takes time.  One of the local LBS I know went through long-covid;it took closer to 6 months for her to regain full strength.

Curious ... Do you feel the experience changed your perspective to life,  MLC or anything in any way?  All in all I do feel sorry that you did not get any more support from your spouse.  But such is life.

Alvin

[xyzcf]

It is hard when we are used to feeling well and healthy to be struck by illness. COVID is unpredictable in it's timeframes...some barely affected and others who exhibit fatique and symptoms for a much longer period of time.

I have always though, rightly or wrongly, that when our bodies are trying to fight off an infection, it is good to give it as much rest and good nutrition as we can, and lots of TLC. I often have seen friends come to the gym, quite sick with a cold or flu but determined to get their workout in(not to say how much this spreads their illnesses to others) but I truly think the body knows when it needs to rest.

I pray that you are soon feeling back to your normal self. I know, I have not been to the gym since August because the COVID numbers are too high and I miss it so much....I cannot seem to motivate myself other than walking to do much other exercise, even though I have the equipment and there are many videos available if I so choose. At least up until Dec I could golf (and hopefully will be able to do so over the next few months on those balmy days).

. but I realized, there wasn't one hug. No pats on the arm. Not the holding of a hand once. Oh she steadied me for walking a few times, but that isn't the same at all.... it's utilitarian. Zero emotion. Anyway...... it was a realization, and a little bit of a sad one. I had thought there was some connection or compassion and I guess there was in her own limited way (more than normal), but no touch. How interesting.

This is true in my situation as well. It is so bizarre because my desire to touch him is still there but it is very clear to me that this is not possible. I miss that touch so much 

Feel better. Glad you have your little dog. They give us unconditional love and affection so enjoy this special guy.

[Standing Strong]

Thanks Alvin and xyzcf   

I'm feeling much better, getting a lot stronger. Today I took the little hound for three full walks: the best and most active day yet. Very happy about that.

This week I'm going to try doing some work from home, try to get back into the flow of job and be a little productive. That sounds really nice. I hate not helping my co-workers, don't want to let them down.

W takes her Covid test tomorrow to clear her for the trip. Not sure how that will go or what is involved, but I'm looking forward to some time alone. It'll be nice. 
Speaking of nice..... wow, W has been real nice this weekend. Wanting to do things together, asking about things, talking...... of course she is close to running away so being nice is fairly normal right before but she was being downright ugly before the trip was postponed before Christmas. Strange how things change for no reason...... since this is better, I'll take it.  Funny thing is, I kinda pushed her away the last couple days. I wanted to mostly be alone, so I was. Put myself 1st and I think there was a little chase in there (from her). Instead of me being neutral (no chasing on my part) I was lightly pushing her away.... and it was nice. HA!!  Sometimes you just get tired of the nonsense...... get away!! 

The little dog is back to his walks, and he never wants them to stop ever again. The energy he's built up is amazing, hopefully I can get him worn out soon. He jumps in the air and kicks his feet when I pull out the leash. What a happy little creature.

One day at a time,

-SS

[5hilmerton]

Hey SS,
great to hear you can work from home and ease back into work life.  I am glad the little guy does make u smile.

Take care of yourself,
5hil

[FaithWalker]

I can just picture the happy little dog about his walks.

I had to google the Tolava oven as I hadn't heard of it.

We did Hello Fresh meals for a little while.  My D liked them.  My S, not so much.  I saved my favorite recipes so that I could make them again with ingredients from the store, but I did like how the ingredients were just the perfect amount and I didn't need to get a big jar of this and that and have leftover stuff I didn't need any more.

[Standing Strong]

Hey FW and 5hil 

Journaling:

An anniversary of sorts...... yesterday was 10 years (to the day) of the fuse being lit and W descending into MLC. The event which kicked it off: a death (which was FAR more important than I could ever have imagined at the time). Such a shame too, our M was at the highest point it had ever been at that moment in time. Such happiness and joy...... *POOF*.
Looking back and reflecting, what a terrible decade for me (I'm sure it was far worse for her). There really was nothing that could have been done to stop it once the fuse was lit...... I know because I was fighting it the whole way (LOL!!). Move faster, work harder, be more understanding, help her, on and on and on...... effort, time, money..... spare no expense of any kind. *POOF* 
I just hope someday, she grows up/wakes up/faces herself. It's a lot to ask for.

On to me!! Healing and healing and healing. The lungs are making good strides, and I can smell and taste once again!!! WOOOOO HOOOOO!! That's such a relief and makes life so much better.
W had gone off on her trip and I've had a couple days to myself. As usual, sleep drastically improves, BPM goes down, just an overall calm and restful time. Just under three weeks to go, I'm going to enjoy them all. 
I'm handing over the Christmas presents to be delivered this afternoon. It'll be nice to know everyone will get them soon. Christmas comes late this year. 

The little dog is getting 3-4 walks a day now that the lungs can take it. Yesterday he got a giant T-Bone (bone). He ate in less than 2 hours...... how does he do it? What a chewing machine. His desire to play and get into everything are limitless. A long walk to him is a warm up to play when he gets home. 

One day at a time,

-SS
 

[HeavenlyFocus]

Hi SS,

Glad you are doing well and enjoying the quite time with your W gone.   Good luck with your healing as your restore your body and get back to living life.

HF

[PJ Ames]

Catching up. Sorry to hear you were ill. I had my date with COVID last week. I had a mild case of Omicron(pretty much just a nasty cold), but my brother was hospitalized. We were both vaxxed.

I have the same question as Alvin. Did the near-death experience change your perspective at all? Of course it's OK if it didn't, but I'm wondering if the experience gave you more of a sense of urgency or made you more impatient. I've had a couple of close calls that made me feel more strongly about the carpe diem thing. Glad you're up and on the mend. Enjoy those walks. It's freezing where I'm at and I'm going a little stir crazy.

To life!

[Standing Strong]

Hi PJ and HF 

It's been so nice, and so much time free with W away..... I've been living it up. 

Last night I received word (from W) that a best friend of mine from way back in Elementary school and Junior High had passed away. This person was the only kid on my street and we had been very close until High School. Such a shock. He's a year younger than I am, and we had talked in Nov as he had moved back to our home state. We were going to get together and catch-up and just hadn't yet. He was even at the same hospital as I was a week after I was released. He passed away from Covid (he had some other health issues which seems to be the magic bullet when it comes to Covid). Just terrible.

W has been talkative the last two days (text) after two weeks of relative silence. Clearing the path for her return home I imagine (typical). I hope this trip has been good for her, but who knows.

Thanks for reminding me PJ of Alvin's question: Nope, the danger of death hasn't made me impatient at all. Quite the opposite. I feel like I have more patience than before, although I do feel like my sense of purpose has been enhanced. Unchanged (goals) but more resolute in getting them done (if that makes any sense). Focused, and refocused, but unchanged. There is no hurry or panic to get my list done, just a desire to stalk down those goals and knock them out. Kinda like the tortoise and the hare. 
That Omnicron is spreading like crazy PJ. Sorry to hear you got it. Seems like the shots don't stop that version at all. My sister and all her kids came down with it, but it was mild. Both parents were totally vaxxed and they both got it. At work people are getting it left and right, and these are all people with the shots too.

On to me!! I went a movie (finally) a few nights ago. That was so nice. Doing something "normal" once again. Last showing of the day (I like going to the theater late at night). Back to work full time (great), and the lungs continue to heal and hold more air (great). I hope to return to the gym within a month but we'll see. The recovery is going so well, and faster (I think) than expected.

The little dog continues to grow up.... not in size but in personality. Now he is happiest if he sees dogs on his walks, and growls and barks at them. This seems to be very important to him, and his tails wags the hardest and fastest as he growls/barks. So much fun to the little guy. He has been spoiled relentlessly with W away, getting a new hew toy to eat/destroy every day. He continues to eat giant T-bone (bones) within a couple hours of getting one. Simply incredible, his chewing power.

I only have a week before W returns, gotta make the most of it. 

One day at a time,

-SS 

[Hoosier Daddy]

Sorry to hear about your friend SS.  I too lost a childhood friend recently.  Makes us realize or mortality which is a good thing if it doesn’t send one into a MLC. 

Liked your discussion on having a purpose.  I often think that my STBXW doesn’t really have one currently unless seeking happiness is one.

Hope the recovery continues steadily and doesn’t test your patience.

HD

[Standing Strong]

Liked your discussion on having a purpose.  I often think that my STBXW doesn’t really have one currently unless seeking happiness is one.

Hey HD 

I think no goals, no purpose is one of the big pitfalls that are so easy to get into...... to be listless, and directionless..... to mark time.
What do I do with myself now? A terrible question. There is so much to be done!
Finding happiness, LOL.... those poor MLC'ers. There is no finding happiness, it's not out there to be found. HAHAHAHAHAH!! Like a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow!! 
I wish they'd discover happiness is build and chosen. I guess that's a very difficult lesson to learn. Maybe the "magic bullet" that got JFK will wake up and fly thru the air to slay the depression dragon........ probably not 

Sorry to hear about your friend HD. Did they have that co-morbidly thing going on too? Now that they've figured out if you have some other health condition you'd think they shoot them up with everything in the arsenal and save them. Such a terrible thing.
 
-SS

[5hilmerton]

SS, sorry to hear about your friend.  It's tough when you start losing your childhood friends.  It's like none of our friends should leave before us. Your post is filled with so much positive joy.  It's almost like i can read the smile on your face! 😊😊 Take care of that cute little fur baby.  Their unconditional love really does put a spring in our step and a smile on our face.

5hil

[Standing Strong]

Thanks 5hil,

It is an odd thing, watching people you grew up with (your own age) blink out. Happening more as time goes on, and I know that will only increase. Just life I know, but... odd.

Journaling:
W has started texting..... which is normal before she returns. It's a weird thing, because she can be similar to what she was before MLC (which is really nice, and I like seeing it) but I wonder...... when this happens, is she accessing that part of her brain genuinely or is it a series of emulated responses (she knows how to respond and she's motivated by a desire for something - in this case paving her own way home without pressure/stress/etc.). It's an interesting pondering. Of course there is no answer: can't open up the flip-top head and take a look inside (I bet UM has a picture for that... LOL!!  ). I heavily lean emulated responses 

Less than a week to go, I better get cleaning...... you know how us guys are 

One day at a time,

-SS

[Standing Strong]

Journaling:

Had a call from W tonight..... well, I missed a call from W tonight, I was at a movie (gotta take care of ourselves, right? HA!!).
I called her back, and we talked for an hour. Very interesting...... her frustration level is still way up there..... all directed at work (and she has valid complaints but some are your standard long term MLC'er self induced problems (probably most of them). On a positive note, she is more and more being self reflective, writing about life's lessons and what is important (as learned by her). This deep contemplation is good, I don't know how far it's going or what's "sticking" but she's still searching.... and that is good. She's writing down all her thoughts, and that will be an interesting read years from now. Some she shares with me, and some..... not. HA!!

The little hound broke into the trash can a made a HUGE mess for me to clean. He gave me the "what? It wasn't me" look. A good little dog and like all children, has their moments that test you. HA!! Who broke in and made this mess? Ninja's? A bear? Maybe the wind got inside and blew it around? 

As for me, the healing continues and I'm back to work full time. That's nice, and so much work the do the weeks fly by. W will be back on Monday, so I have a few days to clean and fix things around the house. I've liked my time off, I hope she will return with a little progress but I'm not fooling myself either, that is remote. Expecting nothing.   

Life is good, and I'm charging ahead into it. Each day is a new adventure and exciting.
If I was a train, I'd be the engine and W would be a caboose (for those that remember what a caboose is). 

One day at a time,

-SS

[Standing Strong]

Journaling:

W has returned, and for the moment appears to be in a good place. Standard fare for coming off a long vacation. How long it lasts is another question. HA!! I give it a month or so before the stress and pressure start to visibly build once again and another vacation begins to be planned.
I did a lot of work while she was gone..... fixing things that were overdue for repair. Five things, all very noticeable and easy to spot, plus all the cleaning I did. Anyway, I feel good about it (just for me) and curious if she would notice...... so far.... NOPE!! HA!! Not a surprise. There has been times when she is totally oblivious (the usual) and the rare times when she is partially able to notice. This time, she used three of the fixed/repairs so far and didn't realize at all. Simply incredible. It does make me laugh, doesn't hurt my feelings or anything. I have to do it for me because there isn't anyone else to pat you on the back. Such a strong contrast to before MLC..... getting validation from your partner, wanting them to be happy, working for their benefit to get a nice word in return. *POOF* all gone. HA!! Now if there is a kind word, that's just a bonus not the primary objective. 

The little dog was beyond ecstatic to see his mom. I don't think I've ever seen him so happy. He was flying thru the air, out of control, as he jumped with joy. Little tail wagging like crazy. Nice to see. Like all things, it holds interest for her until the "newness" wears off. Last night it was a big thing for her, this morning it had already gotten a bit stale. Poor little dog, I'll have to take him for a walk so he's a happy boy.

On to me: The presence of the MLC'er has reduced my sleep already (HA!!) and BPM has clicked up slightly. The stress she introduces just by being present is minor but something I just can't seem to turn off entirely no matter how I try. This in a way is baffling to me. Good detachment, not much of anything taken personally, and yet, there is a minor uptick in hard data logged by my Fitbit even if I can't really "feel" it consciously. So interesting. I suppose there will always be an effect of proximity to some degree, but I had really hoped that at some point there would essentially be no difference between the two. That would be perfection, it would appear I have yet to reach it. 
I think I'm two weeks away from being able to hit the gym again. The lungs are doing great, but still have a little way to go. Breathing seems almost completely normal, until a mask is put on..... then things go south very rapidly.  Oh well, that's how it goes. Com'on two weeks..... that exercise bike is calling me.

It's time to diet like it's two thousand... and nineteen... (ninety nine) 

One day at a time,

-SS     

[JohnnyBravo]

Glad things are "so far, so good," SS! I'm not sure my wife noticed too many small fixes around the house, but i'm not sure how observant she really was in general.

Glad to hear your COVID recover is finally getting there, too!

JB

[Standing Strong]

Thanks JB, 

Minor Journaling:

Today was day 2 after her return...... back to running tests!!!  HA!!

So tonight I took her to see Jackass Forever. This is something we'd never watch "before" and she was surprised that I wanted to take her to it....... the funny thing is, she assumed I wanted to see it (not really, but I'll take it for what it is and have fun)..... no this was to see how SHE would respond. I've seen all the weird teen/tween behavior from her, and her sense of humor has been largely juvenile since she broke. So what better than to take her to the most juvenile movie there is? 
Well, she put on her serious face and tried acting mature (this is interesting all on it's own)..... the movie started and after a rough opening, she was laughing the whole time (and I was too). Nice to see her enjoy herself and to "let go" without any judgment. Afterward, she put on the serious mask once again and claimed it was silly and dumb. I have eyes and ears, she was into it. Too bad she has to put on a role or a mask...... like that's going to impress me or something. I just want her to be open and have fun. Maybe someday she'll be comfortable in her own skin and can just relax..... no expectations.

Still, I'd call the experiment a success: revealed part of her true current sense of humor, associate some fun with me, surprise her with the unexpected and spot the mask that she wears around me.
A long ways to go.

One day at a time,

-SS 

[Zion]

I too noticed an immature Juvenile sense of humor. It was always a little there but it really amplified.  He also started to reminiscing about pranks he pulled as a tween/teen that were actually cruel. This would have been around the time his parents divorced.

[MadLuv]

SS- do you think any of that shift is just fighting normalcy? I have seen glimmers of my old XH in moments, but if I say anything or acknowledge it …well it all shuts down. I have said, well look at you laughing. Good to see you peaking through. Immediately he will change back to sadzzzzz man. It is like he is fighting happiness or does wants me to feel bad for him. Maybe a protective thing, because they don’t trust their own selves?? IDK just an observation that your post brought to my mind

[Standing Strong]

Hi Torn 

I'm not sure.... I wonder if people get stuck in roles inside relationships, stuck in what they believe the other expects or wants. To deviate from that and they leave the bounds of what they believe or have established as comfortable.
I've found that I used to be guilty of that to some extent, but I've broken free of that. I was testing W to see if I could shake her out of it and if so how long for her to revert?
I have seen something similar to what you said about pointing out them laughing and then watching them snap back into their established role. I used to think it was playful to jab them while they were out from behind their mask, thinking that would show them "hey it's ok".... but no. They don't seem to get it do they? I'm guessing the best thing when they are out from behind the mask is to help them stay that way as long as possible without pointing it out. Maybe the length of exposure to being free will be more helpful in getting them to stay out. Living behind that mask can't be fun, and I feel sad for anyone trapped behind something like that. Easy for us to live there too isn't it?

-SS

[HeavenlyFocus]

I'm not sure.... I wonder if people get stuck in roles inside relationships, stuck in what they believe the other expects or wants. To deviate from that and they leave the bounds of what they believe or have established as comfortable.

Hi SS,

This comment really struck me as I remember having conversations with my XW regarding the expected role that she was to have as a W, Mother, and  working professional.   She clearly needed a change in her life but she couldn't see how she and I could change and evolve as a couple together.    I look at it now and I think we could have worked through changes.   She just closed herself off and now is trying to figure it out on her own.   And I'm letting her be.   

Appreciate how you handle and describe the interactions with your W.   It helps me as I learn to manage things with my XW as I see many similarities.

HF

[Standing Strong]

Minor Journaling:

Funny how journaling comes in dry patches were you can go a week, or weeks with nothing to really add.... and then you get spurts where there's so much to write in so little time. 

W has been nice and fairly open since returning from her vacation. Standard stuff. Last night she wanted to share some of her writings, reading three articles and a poem she had wrote. More of the same from before: It was learning about people, life, death, hurting people, maturity and change.
Sounds good to me, it shows there is a lot going on up top. It also shows she has not resolved these things, but at least she's trying to work on them. One article was about hurting other people and to be careful/gentle with them: Once you hurt someone the damage is permanent. HA!! Since the article revolved around hurting "minor" relationships.... obvious I'm not on the radar yet. 
There was one thing which really caught my attention that I was going to share: At one point in her writing she started talking about "Having to accept, live with, and forgive self, for decisions made". Hmmmm, that is interesting. It was fast, it was cryptic, there was no further explanation.... but I have a good guess as to what she was referencing. I didn't say anything about it (or any of it beyond saying her writing was good). It does make me wonder HOW do people resolve things which were previously unthinkable? How exactly is that done? I feel very solid as to who I am, what I could do and what I couldn't ever do. Probably most people are the same. If that was shattered, I wonder how I would deal with that. Could I deal with that? Certainly it'd be a huge stumbling block, and what would the future look like as a person knowing you aren't who you say or believed you are/were? It would also bring into question: who were you all along? Ewww yuck. I'm so glad I don't have that problem, but I guess we could all potentially have that problem? Hard to believe. I certainly believe I have enough control over myself to never allow myself to be in that situation (but the opportunity has existed, and I've chosen well up to now).
I wonder too, for people who do make terrible decisions, I'm sure it's hell to get thru what they have chosen if they're actually sorry...... what do they expect afterward? Dealing with self is one thing, but what do they expect to come afterward from others? Do they not even see it until they are there? Or is it another stumbling block to not get to the end because the consequences of their actions are waiting there (perceived or real).

Anyway, just musings and questions. 
It is interesting. 

One day at a time,

-SS     

[MomOfSteel]

I don’t have any answers but it seems like your W is at least going in the right direction.  I’ve also had the same thought about how I would ever live with myself if I had betrayed not only those closest to me but also myself and everything I believed in.  I have no idea how you would recover from that.  Of course, I don’t understand how they do it in the first place. 

[Pacman]

WOW SS, I just went back and started reading your story.
So much strength and resilience by you.
I need to finish reading the rest of it as so much of it resonates with me.

[MadLuv]

Certainly it'd be a huge stumbling block, and what would the future look like as a person knowing you aren't who you say or believed you are/were? It would also bring into question: who were you all along?

you know I have often wondered that also. More from an aspect of. They already were insecure and struggling with an identity crisis or they wouldn’t be where they are. So, they are/were trying to figure out that and now they threw this all in the mix. No wonder they spin in the wind and run. I think that is exactly why it is such a long process through the proverbial tunnel

[Standing Strong]

Journaling:

Another week has gone by already? Incredible.
Nothing really on W...... she continues to be nice, almost like an attempt at being "as before"...... but she also has started taking professional Spanish Classes multiple times a week (virtual). That raised my eyebrows. She says by the end of the year she'll be "business fluent".

On to me!! HA!!
I'm back on the super diet, and I can feel the weight reducing, the calories burning. When you're hungry all the time, then you know it's working!! HA!! I had my 1st spin class in 8 weeks today (mask on). I was expecting a disaster, but wouldn't you know it..... I did great!!  Sure it wasn't anywhere close to where I was before, but it was higher than 50% of the calories I was doing at my peak. Hoping to get it all back soon, and with the diet in place: You're as good as mine 6/8-pack!! 
I'm going to an amusement park in Sept, and that includes a water park. The goal is to be completely shredded and buff by then.  They have this unlimited photo pass thingy, and I'm going to get it and have all kinds of pictures with the abs showing off. Just a little fun for me. 

On to the dog!! The little spitfire now wants to poop in people's yards  .... I have to keep him close until he gets to his designated pooping grounds. I guess it's funny to him or something. He also evidently doesn't like the new dog food and has pee'ed on the bag twice. 

Life is good.

One day at a time,

-SS

[5hilmerton]

Hey SS,
I speak fluent Spanish and i still don't think by the end of the year i could speak "Business Fluent" cultural adaptation keeps one grasping for the correct word, phrase or inflection.

So glad you are feeling better and can exercise body and lungs.  I went out yesterday and tore out dead foliage in my front yard.  Only made it a couple of hours before calling it quits.  It started pouring rain about an hour later. So i guess GOD and my body kept me dry.

I despise when one of my dogs ventures into a neighbor's yard.  Not a fan of cleaning up the gift they leave for the neighbor.  Wishing you your continued well being in body and soul.

5hil
 

[MadLuv]

I gained a few when I broke some toes. Now that I can walk again I also need to finish the last of my weight loss. I was only 10 lbs off and now back to 20 needed, dang it!!! Ready for nice weather and lots of activities!!!

[Standing Strong]

Minor Journaling:

16 more to go before polishing off this thread 

Very little about W..... she was hiding her phone the other night while we watched shows  that hasn't been so obvious in a long time.
Not that I wasn't expecting it, things still point to something big late this year (IMO). The "honeymoon" phase that comes after one of her trips is slowly evaporating (as expected).

On to me!! I've had spinclass multiple times this week, trying to stress the lungs and get them back in tip-top shape...... and it worked!!
This morning I did my 1st ever 90 min spin class..... 918 calories burned!! WoooHOOO!! All time record for me in a single session. Yesterday was a 60min and that was 600 calories, just under 100 from my peak. Getting close!! This is the strictest and best diet I've ever done, lost 5lbs this week and gained 3lbs of muscle. About 20 more to lose, and 20 more to gain!! 

The masks were rescinded in my state on Thursday, and it's SOOOOOO nice not wearing them at the gym (which is now quite full). I really hope their business picks up and they can go back to 24hour operation. Lifting weights in the dead of night is awesome. Someday 

Question for the ladies: On my bucket list, is a pinball machine. I LOVE pinball, never had a machine. There's this one that I'm really enamored with, really considering getting one. It won't be ready until the end of the year, and if I want one I have to put a deposit on it. They are expensive, but I can do it. My question is: How ugly is something like that to a woman? If your H (when he wasn't nuts) came home with a big pinball machine.... what would you think? W has most of the house (the master bedroom, her art room, and the spare bedroom - all hers    - but that's "normal" right? Women love having lots of space for all their purposes), I don't have a "man cave" beyond my small office (which is crammed with books & music gear). Can't put a pin in the garage, the cold will destroy it...... the living room is the most unused space in the home. Pins are beautiful, as a man you can look at that and smile..... but for a woman..... is it detestable? HA!! We could have some fun together, but I'm realistic: it'd just be me. LOL!!

One day at a time,

-SS

[Ready2Transform]

SS - buy the pinball machine. 

When we first moved to the house that's now mine alone, it was in the good days of our marriage. It's a 3 bedroom, so we had the master for our bedroom of course, then turned bedroom #2 into his hobby room/our sewing room (but he would be using it far more than me), and bedroom #3 into my atelier/room for our cats (where they were fed, goodies were stored, we could stash them when workers were in the house, etc.). Garage was mainly his because he had power tools and hobby things, and basement was mainly mine because it's my office/studio where I run my biz (though he had a desk there for a long time, too). Fairly even trade, but most spaces were still shared spaces.

As he went into crisis, more of his things were bleeding throughout every room. Sewing room became a place he didn't want me to go, and he moved his desk there and shut the door during most days. Cats long took over the 'cat room' so my art things kind of got stashed here and there. The garage was packed to the gills with every new hobby he was taking up as he switched identities: 20 bikes and parts when he was suddenly going to be one of those fixed-gear "bike pirate" types (in his 30s); flintlock gun and boat building; other things I'm forgetting. lol

Did I mind any of it? It was inconvenient at times. His hobby stuff hanging on the living room walls weren't my aesthetic, but eh. If it made him happy. That's the thing - we compromise to make his and her space "our" space. But it's easy to leave ourselves out of that equation. Your W may be 'claiming' a majority of the space in the house, but if she's anything like my xH, she'll eventually say none of it makes her feel like it's "home". She's probably not even aware of the disproportion of distribution, honestly. She may not even notice the pinball machine! I think my xH was like that to an extent forever. When he was very young (early 20s) he'd go for annual military training and I would turn his ratty, stinky apartment into a shiny new space as a surprise. Did this more than once (which is on me! lol). The difference was night and day. He'd walk in and it wouldn't even register with him that anything was different, let alone spotless. But if he ever vacuumed the steps at our house, you bet I'd better notice it or I'd hear about it!

They live in their own heads, so you might as well have fun and treat yourself. Depending on the "theme" of it, you could get some matching posters to have nicely framed around it with some coordinating-colored curtains and throw pillows. Man cave that place up, but add in a future female (and pup) friendly creature comforts. .

[MadLuv]

SS- I turned my living room into a game room for my XH. Pool table, slot machines, arcade stand up and sit down. The pinball was the next thing. Get it!!! You deserve to have your own space. There are some really cool ones that are wall ones that dont take as much space.

[JohnnyBravo]

boy, I don't think I could sit there doing one thing for 90 minutes... Especially if I have to pedal without getting anywhere. Good for you!

And yeah, get the pinball machine. Mechanisms are way cooler than video games.

R2T said:

with some coordinating-colored curtains and throw pillows.

I can't believe Marty Feldman's line in Young Frankenstein about "a little paint, a few flowers, a couple of throw pillows..." doesn't seem to exist on YouTube or in any meme...

[Ready2Transform]

I can't believe Marty Feldman's line in Young Frankenstein about "a little paint, a few flowers, a couple of throw pillows..." doesn't seem to exist on YouTube or in any meme...

 Where's Ursa?! I couldn't get this to work, but I bet he can!

https://images.app.goo.gl/GudXg8up8HkFDboF7

By request from R2T it's HER fault 

[Standing Strong]

Hey R2T, Torn and JB 

"Get the pinball machine"..... HAHAHAHAH!! I'm trying to get my deposit in on it. It'll be something to really look forward to.

Just a small and funny (to me) thing happened last night. I've been in the gym again for almost a week. Going very well, surprised W quite a bit when she found out (and there's been 5:30am classes I've attended which also throw her for a loop)..... anyway....... in the back of my mind was the question of "how long until she starts going again?". Well, last night she mentions to me that when she's back from her latest business trip, she's going to return to the gym. LOL!!! It's healthy for her, I'm glad..... but I also know that seeing me do it makes her feel left out (or something), and she can't have that. So copying, parroting, mirroring, whatever it is: She's grabbed on. I think she waiting just long enough to see if I was serious about going again. Uh, yup!! I was biting at the bit the whole covid time!!
HA!!

One day at a time,

-SS

[Standing Strong]

Minor Journaling:

W came home from her latest business trip a day early. At least she told me before coming home...... HA!!! It was curious to see her want to be home. It was her choice to come home. Normally she's happy as can be to be gone. Not anything to read into, just one of those little things that you notice when something is out of place or different.
After she was home, she wanted to spend time together, watch a show... and then instead of watching a show.... she talked talked talked. Unloading her day and trip, it come pouring out, and she shared more of her writing (which was all about the pain of "letting go" and "moving forward into the unknown"). I don't know what to think about that topic of writing. As an LBS you instantly assume it's a bad message, but I don't think it was directed at me. What could it directed at? No idea. She's still totally focused on herself, can you let go of yourself? A mystery that I won't be able to solve, maybe she can.   
To see her be more like herself was like more out of place. It was interesting to experience something that used to happen daily: It used to be she would come home from work and then tell me everything that happened in her day..... that's normal and healthy, and hasn't been present in a long, long time. I'm not even sure how many years. It's so hard to count.
Maybe it was a one-off, time will tell. It sure "felt" different........ something about it screamed "notice this" and I'm not sure why. I've seen shards of her emerge at times the past couple years and they come/go, not a big deal. Maybe because for a night it was like "old W" had stepped thru a time warp or something..... acted like she used to, was way more open and transparent...... actually seemed to want to be here instead of just a hollow body taking up space and checking boxes. It does make me wonder...... when they do things like this (behave a lot more "normal") are they conscious of it? I don't think mine is. Almost like how you hit pause on the DVR and then play again later. It's actually a little unnerving to see it. How odd that the  would come from me..... "where's my alien?". HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA.
I did notice that my distance and distancing was absolutely there last night. I'm a guarded person now. Realized that at some point (not today, and not tomorrow) the gap in-between will have to be bridged. She can't and won't travel the whole distance on her own. That gap of space is NOT going to be fun to wade into, but I know for there to be success I will have to go there. How... uncomfortable. 

Well, just had to record the experience.

One day at a time,

-SS

[MadLuv]

I think her wanting to share her life by talking is all good. It can be frustrating not to be asked about ours, but I still think it’s better than them shut off and not talking at all. 🙂

[Zion]

Minor Journaling:

she talked talked talked. Unloading her day and trip, it come pouring out, and she shared more of her writing (which was all about the pain of "letting go" and "moving forward into the unknown"). I don't know what to think about that topic of writing. As an LBS you instantly assume it's a bad message, but I don't think it was directed at me. What could it directed at? No idea.

I think over time we LBSs stop asking direct questions from the MLCer due to so many past  moments.  What if you challenged yourself to ask clarifying questions? Just for practice. 

[5hilmerton]

Hey SS,
how was/is your wife the next day???  Still chatting and wanting to be with you?  I ask for obvious reasons but i am also wondering if any part of your pre-BD W ever stays?

5hil

[Standing Strong]

Hey SS,
how was/is your wife the next day???  Still chatting and wanting to be with you?  I ask for obvious reasons but i am also wondering if any part of your pre-BD W ever stays?

5hil

Hi 5hil, 
Yes..... she was in the same frame of mind the following day (and this morning also).
Right now she's fighting with her rival at work, and she's having extreme emotional swings as a byproduct of it. Good for me, I'm not in the firing line (and haven't been for a long time). So much anger and frustration. I'd like to think this is will force some "growing up", but each time I think maybe she's matured a little.... *BAM* right back in it. HA!! Such a slow process..... but is she making progress with me? I think so. Have to give it time because I never know if it's a cycle in a moment.... but I do see that as she swings back and forth..... she lands a little bit closer some of the time, and sometimes she lands somewhere else and needs time alone to work on whatever she's processing.
I can say the desire to run is still present, and I don't believe it focuses on me now. She wants to escape her life, her stress, responsibility, pressure..... the want to escape and have none of that stuff is very strong still. I wonder how long this aspect lasts? I guess when that's over, the MLC is over.... HA!!!

-SS

[Standing Strong]

Minor Journaling:

she talked talked talked. Unloading her day and trip, it come pouring out, and she shared more of her writing (which was all about the pain of "letting go" and "moving forward into the unknown"). I don't know what to think about that topic of writing. As an LBS you instantly assume it's a bad message, but I don't think it was directed at me. What could it directed at? No idea.

I think over time we LBSs stop asking direct questions from the MLCer due to so many past  moments.  What if you challenged yourself to ask clarifying questions? Just for practice.

Hey Z 
Always..... always questions to get those neurons pumping. As time has gone on, this part has become better. The 1st couple years she could struggle to answer...... anything. The answers she'd come up with were disjointed, unrealistic, confused, just all over the place...... and often she's get hung up and couldn't finish a thought. The stalling out in the middle of a thought, or the inaccessibility of memory... such a strange thing to observe. It couldn't have been fun for her either to just get lost and have nowhere to go. That doesn't happen anymore. 

-SS

[5hilmerton]

Thank you SS,
I heard from H in January/22 via text when the family and i were all sick with Covid.  Still very non engaging, just a quick note to make sure the grands received medical assistance as needed.  No how is everyone, how are you, etc.  He did say Happy New Year. 😲 Anyway the quick messages are my only connection to his progress if any or state of being.  The last text was 6 months before that. Not really any anger but nothing else either.

Take care and thanks for sharing,
5hil

[Standing Strong]

Hi 5hil,

That sounds right to me........ so little contact. I think had mine left the home, I would have only heard from her once or twice a year (maybe).
As much as people say "it must be so hard to live with them", I think (for me) it would be harder without.

When they get to the bottom area, they're stuck there a long, long time.

Hard to see them like that, even harder to guess when they can drag themselves up out of it..... but it can happen.  He's lucky you're still being an anchor, and hopefully he will re-tether himself once again. 

-SS

[Standing Strong]

Looking forward to closing out this thread 

Minor Journaling:

W has began a campaign to rid herself of reoccurring monthly bills. Interesting. Why? I like fiscal responsibility, but she's never batted an eye about getting stuff for herself (especially things she likes). Weird.

I got my pinball machine on deposit now! WOOOOHOOOO!! It'll be the end of the year before they build the thing, but now I'm locked in. Happy day!! Workouts are going SOOOOOOO good!! I'm burning more now, than before COVID. Awesome. I read somewhere about the guy who played Thor in those Disney movies..... he worked out every day and didn't have any carbs for 6 months to get that body...... he said by the end of it he hated life.  I believe it. Hungry all the time..... won't be long before I'm dreaming about Ice Cream...... 

The little dog..... poor little guy....... he love his walks, and he loves them most when he gets to bark at other dogs..... acts like a fearless big dog in a small dog body.... HA!!! Well tonight, I was walking him and it was dark. All of a sudden, I hear someone calling a name, and here comes a little dog running across the street..... oh no. It's a little Pomeranian mix looking dog. It comes right up to my dog and stops. Mine is barking and acting tough until it gets that close. Then he gets scared..... HAHAHAHAHA!! He's only a little over a year old. Well, this dog goes nose to nose and wags it's tail, then I understand it's going to be ok and allow it. In a moment they are sniffing each other and are friends..... it's a girl dog, so he really likes her. HA!! The owner finally shows up, and she says this is the 1st boy dog she hasn't attacked  and "she must like him..... maybe it's true love". 
HAHAHAHAHA. So she scoops up her dog, and mine wants to stay and play. He whines and cries the whole way home, turning around and wanting to go back. When we get home, I put him away, and he starts howling..... he's never done that before. So sad 
It's hard being a little boy. HAHAHAAHHAHA!!

Two more posts to go and I can get part 13 going...... 13? Oh no!! 

One day at a time,

-SS

[Thunder]

Standing what do you mean you "put him away?" 

I think it's great that dogs have friends to play with.  They need that socialization.
I'm glad he found a girlfriend doggie friend.

Is he able to roam the house as a family member?

He sounds friendly, maybe a dog park would be good for him to meet other dogs to play with and rump around with. 

[Standing Strong]

He sleeps in the bathroom Thunder..... after he's walked he gets hours out and about, but when it's time for bed: into the bathroom he goes. He has a nice setup in there. Big open crate to sleep in, blankets, pillows, tons of toys, food and water. He's a very spoiled little boy.

I think you're right, a dog park would be nice. As it is, he gets 3-4 walks a day now.... just isn't easy since I'm doing all the walking, but W has gotten good about spending time with him after walks. Normal for him to be with us 3 hours at night on weekdays, and a lot more on weekends.

At some point, he won't make messes and can roam free (I'm sooooo looking forward to that). Right now if he hasn't walked, he's libel to go pee on something he finds interesting  Or get too close to the parrots (who DON'T like him).

Hey, that's 150!! Time to close the thread 

On to Part 13!!!..... nobody call Jason or Freddy, they aren't invited.

-SS

[Thunder]

Standing as an animal lover, I am happy you give him plenty of walks, but having dogs my whole life, I know dogs are happiest being with their humans.

I am not saying you are being a bad doggie dad.  Maybe just think about a trainer showing you how to train him not pee in the house and get used to the birds.  They'll learn.

Remarkably animals all learn to live together.  We tend to give them less credit then they deserve.  I've seen dogs and cats end up best friends.     It just takes time and patience.

[UrsaMajor]

Hey, that's 150!! Time to close the thread 

On to Part 13!!!..... nobody call Jason or Freddy, they aren't invited.

-SS

Too late.....



New thread time!

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11906.0