[AlvinTheMaker]

Hi SS,

Ouch ...  This twist left me speechless  . You are a true saint by taking so many stabs without a kneejerk reaction

But true, you cannot argue emotions with reason. So trying to stand in her way would have simply turned into havoc, and you avoided the storm like a true champ.

Just remember to keep your finances protected, because if this becomes a habit it can create a very negative cumulative effect/distortion  to shared assets on the long run. Just like in normal marriage, some decisions are all about keeping "business" steady and fair to both parties.

Alvin

[HeavenlyFocus]

Of course a bunch of things went thru my head. Clamping down on myself, I thought about it quickly as I walked to the doorway, and realized that really there wasn't much to think about. She makes money, she can do whatever she wants. I'm not her enemy, and I'm not going to make myself into one by throwing a barrier into this. So I tell her "It's completely up to you"..... And with that, I release all the potentially bad feelings I have about it. Her choice, not mine. I don't expect to see the money ever come back, but I really don't care about that. Her eyes tear up and she very obviously becomes emotional. She starts giving a spiel about "he doesn't have anyone", "he doesn't have money", on and on..... and I stop her and say again "It's completely up to you" and leave it at that. I think she was surprised, but I can't be sure. I have no idea what she expected from me, it just isn't my bag of rocks, and I won't let it be my bag of rocks.

Hi SS,

This was an emotional post to read as it brought me back to similar situation with my W.  Your W seemed to tear up and become emotional because she knows the priority that she is putting on this relationship with the OM is not right and hurtful to you but but she can't stop pursuing the relationship.   She then starts to rationalize by saying that he doesn't haven anyone (blah, blah blah)

For a moment, there was a flash of emotion in me. Some outrage. I'm virtually certain this person is one of her OM's (I think the most significant one). Since she can become emotional for him, and no one else except her mom..... it just screams WRONG..... and to drain some of our resources to help HIM...... yes.... for a moment, I flashed hot (on the inside). I guess I had hoped that situation had burned out more than it has (not that I would know anyway). She'll be going down there again soon enough. Just a crappy thing, right?

It is wrong and she knows it.  I am inspired by your patience and love for your W.   Now that some kind of relationship is out in the open, you may want to figure out want boundaries you put in place regarding discussion about OM or contributing any more resources to the relationship.   This is something that I didn't directly do with my W and I emotionally finally blew up and pushed her away.  I don't regret my actions as I needed to stick up for myself , but I wish I had handled it better.

Hang in there and hope you have a great week.

HF

[JohnnyBravo]

Really sorry to hear about this, SS. You handled it like a saint. You're a huge inspiration.

JB

[5hilmerton]

Sorry SS for the dip in your path,
i read this update a little late.  After being so excited to visualize your strut in the mall, I actually had to quickly down shift my feelings and reactions to your update.  FWIW nice job of holding it all together with the money request and implications.  So glad you have the little guy, although mine are anything but little they are super important to me and this Journey i travel.

Take care,
5hil

[Standing Strong]

Writing early once again 

I had gotten used to less drama....... that comes in cycles too 

W had been away overnight for a business trip...... I got a lot of sleep last night (funny how that works).
Well, she got in later than she said but with all the airline stuff going on, no big surprise.
I make dinner and we finish the series we were watching. What a great show. As it finishes, I notice she's crying. You know one of the worst things about MLC is: Now I question, are those real tears? Or crocodile tears? How terrible. I really, really don't like that. I don't like that I have to ask myself it. I don't like that it has to occur to me that I'm being manipulated. I don't like that I have to protect myself. Most of all.... I don't like that someone, HER, could be false..... with ME.
Well, I just noticed the tears, so I don't know yet.... and I reach out.... "Are you crying?" -yes-, "Why? Was it the ending? It was a good ending"... -I don't know- (Ok, that is a good answer.)
After a moment she breaks the news "I want to go see mom"...... ahhhhhhhhh...... here we go. Then she goes into a spiel about how she's (MIL) having medical conditions, and she wants to be there for the appointments....... crying, tears, the whole sha-bang. Right. Crocodile tears. What a disappointment, but I let her run her course. "Ok, when are you planning on going?" -The appointments are next week-  Really? Holy crap. Not even going to make it to the holidays? Wow. Really? So I empathize, talk about how much she cares about her mom. Let her tell me all about mom's kidneys and liver. MIL didn't tell me anything about that while they were here, just the after effects of gall bladder removal. W talks all about losing her grandma to kidney failure..... and how she (w) can get seen faster in a different country for her own medical stuff. What rubbish.... justification.

So with all the sadness, the best counter is an injection of joy.... and the perfect dose should be the lightning fast, furry happiness.
W says -get him if you want him, I should sleep- well, I will get him, and out he comes. W gets perturbed almost instantly, and I find there a new poop I have to clean in his little barrier area (he hates it, and is rebelling by pooping on everything, and I don't blame him). So he runs around, W gets ticked off, and makes herself a victim over the dog's behavior..... she's acting like a spoiled child. I leave her to it. Deal with it. She doesn't, and throws herself on the floor.  Yells at the little dog, who proceeds to jump onto the bed..... and then pee on it. His rebellion knows no bounds, nor does his bladder. This snaps W out of her childlike stupor instantly, and becomes a new problem to be victimized by. 
I put the little dog away (I'm done cleaning by then), and W gets right to work changing the bed while I start washing the comforter and sheets. W is walking around and FAKE trips on a sheet that's on the floor. She does it right to the side of me, she looks to she if I see, if I react..... I see her turn her head just to see if I was watching!! Really? It would have been funny if it wasn't so  Larry, Curley and Moe would have asked her to be the fourth stooge...... but evidently she must think that honor is mine.

We change the sheets, she's ticked off the whole time. I start attending to other things (like writing this), and after a few min go and ask her if she needs anything. Hey, someone is in distress, you check on them...... right? Riiiiggggghhhhhttttttt.....
She's in bed (no surprise), on her phone (no surprise), no tears no distress no discomfort...... it's like she's had a normal pleasant night and asks for some juice.  No broken voice, and get this..... HAHAHA...... no puffy eyes. How about that? All those tears, and all that whining....... no puffy eyes. Crocodile tears.
If she is going sooner than later, does that mean she's staying longer than "normal"? She just sent a bunch of money down there. Coincidence? Yeah, I think you're thinking what I'm thinking.

Such a messed up person. Absolutely floors me. Love is a choice, the knowledge of love persists, sometimes it can be really difficult to "Feel" love. Sadness, compassion, empathy with the knowledge of what they're going thru.... oh yeah, no problem. When they lie and manipulate...... boy that makes love (the feeling) harder in the moment doesn't it?

Would appear there's going to be some nasty times ahead. Meh, it's overdue. Bring it.

One day at a time,

-SS 
   
 

[MadLuv]

Wow, SS !! They really are masters at working those emotions when needed aren’t they. I had an interaction with my XH a week ago when he picked up our dogs to keep then for a week. His tone changed to sad poor me with the shaking fake crying voice. For the first time it was so beyond evident it wasn’t real I said, stop that fake frying crap and HE DID. It was a AHA moment. Emotions on demand admitted, well that was a suprise….

[Curiosity]

SS, I’m so sorry you’re still having to navigate this roller coaster of hers… but you have become a master of navigating around it rather than being attached to it. Still, I hope for healing for her and peace for both of you.

[Kind18]

Based on post #14 and your wife’s behaviour within (such as pretending to trip, and also fake tears), in my most humble of opinions, she has very serious mental health issues.

This isn’t a woman in affair fog, or MLC. She has serious sociopathic tendencies.

I’ve been rooting for you since the start of your threads, and admire your unrelenting passivity and standing, but I can no longer support you standing for this.

People like this don’t just change, or snap out of it. There’s deep-seated behavioural issues here which you will bear the brunt of for years. How long is enough? Five years? Ten years?

Sorry if my post is a bit blunt. But you need to ask yourself how long you will keep doing this.

[AlvinTheMaker]

John Milton once said, “The mind is its own place, and in itself/Can make a heav'n of hell, a hell of heav'n”. She must be feeling plenty of guilt about being fake, wearing the masks, hiding behind the phone ...She is really creating a personal hell of hers (and allowing you to feel some if it as well). But IMHO that is just part of the course required before the mothership crash.

Take care,

Alvin.

[Standing Strong]

Journaling:

And she's off *POOF*...... just dropped her at the airport.
Incredible how fast it moves sometimes.

She was going to park at the airport (told me last night) and I said "I'll take you, if you'd like". She accepted. Since I had no idea how long she'd be gone, can easily rack up a large parking bill. Why do that?
Well, right before saying bye she says "I'll be back on the 8th". Hmmmmmm, that's only two weeks away. If true (not holding my breath), that would be the shortest trip down there ever. Why would she do such a short trip? Then the possibility comes into focus: To be with the "friend" after his dad passed away. So very typical of this type of MLC relationship. Drop everything, run to their side.
I'll ask how the funeral was after she gets back.  No mention of this to me of course. Intuition.
Well, enough about her. Too much watching this week, events merit observing but mean nothing important. Shrug shoulders and keep moving.
The other interesting thing would be, it means she'll be here for Christmas. Huh.... that would be weird.... Unless she runs away a second time. Totally possible. Not something is dwell on, just a realization. 

On to me!! Getting ready to drop another pant size. Hurray!! This was and is my target for pants, so that will be a wonderful milestone. Same waist size as when I was 20.  I hit it briefly a few months back but lost it.
So close!! Win the waist war and then chisel out the abs.

The little dog has been having a great time this week. Extra walks, more toys, and plenty of new things to chew on. He's gone from a rebellious little boy back to the sweet happy boy. 

One day at a time,

-SS