[JohnnyBravo]

On to me!! Getting ready to drop another pant size. Hurray!!

Let's hear it for SS dropping his pants! 

Wait...what???

Sorry to hear about the sudden adjustment in plans... Once again, I'm really happy that I don't have to see what's going on with my W. This is all craziness.

[Kind18]

How are you going SS?

I imagine there’s a certain peacefulness for you right now?

[Standing Strong]

Hi Kind,

I could use more peace, but I'm happy with the peace that exists 

Journaling:
Only a few days until W returns (if she's back on time). Lots to do. Clean clean clean (LOL!!) 

I was picking up the other night in the bedroom and found something..... a notebook. Hmmmmm, ok, what's in it?
A little sad.... inside was a huge handwritten trove of notes. All of it was Christian study notes. W had been searching, trying to be a good person, trying to find peace, trying to understand. It was a long, long slide for her. Years and years, I had no idea this notebook existed.
On one hand, it was nice to see that she was trying really hard to do something as she was slipping away.
On the other hand, she was looking in the wrong place. The problem was inside herself and she was looking outward, looking for someone to save her. How do you solve the problem without looking at it? God saves, but it's always with taking on the problem head on....... not "Save me, from whatever it is".
Well, it was nice and it was sad. No wonder she hasn't gone to church since BD. No wonder she didn't want to pray. 
Nice to know and understand more as time goes on, just sad to know that a whole lot of effort was expended...... when if it had been used correctly, things would have been different. All because they couldn't look, couldn't see, couldn't understand where the problem was and what it was. Helps me understand the true nature of MLC better: The discarding of any personal limit to be able to grab an external something to feel better even if it's only temporary. How..... utterly.... human.
This is an exciting time for me..... learning so much more all of a sudden. These growth spurts are always preceded with a difficult time. The last month was a difficult time...... so many questions swirling around, seeming like they would overwhelm...... knowing that something is around the corner...... then *POP* the winds stop and things become clear.... and it's worth it.

Today the little Dog and I were on a walk, and came across a BIG caterpillar walking across the sidewalk. "What are you doing here? Someone's going to step on you.... or they're going to eat you". Big caterpillar.... beautiful, and fat. Green with white stripes running down it's back. Beautiful. It took a few min, but I scooped him up and took him home. Placed him in the back yard with the pear trees, that should be a lot safer than were I found him. Maybe he'll find something good to eat too. Well, I hope he survives and turns into a butterfly. Seems very late in the year for a caterpillar to be cruising around. It's almost freezing at night. He started digging when he hit the mulch (caterpillars dig?).He didn't seem too smart (LOL). The little dog wasn't impressed and wanted to chase rabbits...... daddy stopping and messing with some green worm was messing up his adventure. 

Three days plus change until W is home, the countdown is very on. I think I will pick her brain and see if she's talkative when she gets back. See if the pot can be stirred, see if it's safe to. Curious what mood will be in effect. Curious if there is some obvious change or if she will return to status quo. Hopefully no disaster is in store...... Who knows but in any event, it'll be ok.

I'm almost to hitting 800 calories in spin on good nights..... hitting 700 every time that isn't a great night. That's fantastic. Only a matter of time before I can hit 900, and then 1000.

The little dog misses his momma. He's going to get a bath before she gets home so he doesn't smell like a little boy. LOL!!
It's been good for him to hang out with his dad. I play rough with him, and he loves it. Boys need to be boys. 

One day at a time,

-SS

[Thunder]

Standing you made me really smile.

That little pup is having fun with his dad.  You sound like you both are.
You're a good puppy dad Standing.

I would say, no more penning his off.  He needs to be part of the family.

[MadLuv]

SS- I would have saved the caterpillar as well. I hope it does become a beautiful butterfly. Wishing you great conversation with your W upon her return. And…props on all the cleaning

[Standing Strong]

Journaling:

Today was "early Thanksgiving" for my family. It was wonderful. I went berserk and cooked up a storm.  It was GREAT. A lot of the food I made, my family hadn't had before. I made Gumbo, Dirty Rice and King Cake..... it was marvelous. Outdid myself.

Of course some of the family asked about W..... all I could say was "She's in South America" which is like a broken record. A few winced, most were quiet..... the subject didn't come up again. I know most of them are thinking "what are you doing?"...... but I know what I'm doing is right. It can cut a little to see that others seemingly think less of you for doing the right thing, or that you're a fool to still love.
They don't understand, nor will they ever. That's ok, they just care about me. 

I had a very interesting talk with my 1st cousin. She is several months older than me, but essentially we are the same age. She's always been the closest of my small handful of cousins. What she told me was very sad. A little back ground: she was insanely beautiful in her youth. Drop dead gorgeous. I overheard her talking to my dad, and they were talking about aging. My dad HATES being in his 60's and is very frustrated and unhappy with this physical condition. My cousin was lamenting about being in her 40's and that she would do anything to be in the 20's or 30's again. LOL!!
Well...... we start talking later after pretty much everyone had left. She knows about my sitch with W, so she's been very open about herself (really awesome cousin)..... she tells me today that she had resigned herself to the fact that she will not marry again. More than that, she's had enough of men and doesn't want to be with one anymore and she's fine being alone. That was heartbreaking to me.  She's still attractive, a really good woman, hard working, very down to earth. I don't know what it's like to be a woman in your mid 40's and single, I'd imagine it's very hard. I just wanted her to have a good and happy life. I hope she does. I wonder..... her two girls are grown now and moving on with their lives (early 20's)...... does that (also) mean a man just isn't as important anymore? Or just that it's very hard to find "a good one"? She had many wild years, and even a cougar phase for a few years (that was interesting to see), now she seems...... burnt out. Just makes me concerned for her, and what her future looks like.

On to W....... I haven't heard a peep. No "I'm getting in at this time, could you pick me up?", no itinerary, just nothing.
I don't know if I'll get a last min text, or an "I'm here at the airport", or if she'll just show up after taking an Uber...... or if she just won't show up.
Extremely inconsiderate is an understatement. I can't remember her not giving any notice at all since shortly after BD (oh that was fun).
Well, if I hadn't taken her to the airport I wouldn't have even been given tomorrow as a date. Maybe that was just an estimate  .

On to the dog!! I took him to a place on the walk with a bunch of rocks..... he LOVED it!! He's like a little mountain goat, climbing, smelling and digging around. Looks like I have a new place for him to have a good time.
We had a not so great experience the other night where he was making weird back and forth rocking as we took a walk in the dark.
After a min, I could see a feline head in the weeds. One fear/concern I have is bobcats. They shouldn't be in the city, but a friend of mine had his dogs attacked (and one killed) in their backyard by a bobcat (also in the city). There are rabbits out here, and the little dog loves to chase them. Well, once I could see this head in the bushes, I figured it was a kitty cat but I wasn't taking any chances. I focused the flashlight into a tight beam to blind the animal and drug the little dog away..... keeping an eye on the cat. I figured it would run away as we pulled away..... but no, it moved forward towards us in that careful prey kinda way that cats do. I didn't like that at all and got us out of there. I can take a bobcat if I need to, but it would be bloody. I gotta keep my little guy safe.

What will tomorrow bring......

One day at a time,

-SS

   

[JohnnyBravo]

Good luck this week, SS.

Interesting and sad (at least, I understand that perspective) story about your cousin. After my mother left my stepfather (he went from cool/fun guy to train wreck), she eventually "switched teams." I never knew (or asked) if she felt that was "the real her" and she didn't realize it or kept it closeted for so much of her life, or if the lack of decent men in her area just made it more natural to connect with a good girlfriend. (She lived in an area where the choices were fishermen, drunks, drunk fishermen, or tourists.) Her partner was also previously hetero, and the only strange thing is that my mother had tried to set me up with this gal on one of my visits.  The other part I didn't really care for was that my mother's partner was basically the female version of my stepfather, kinda crass and obnoxious. But she took care of my mother, which enabled my mother to take art classes and work on her paintings and sculpture, so it worked out well for her.

I guess I never asked why because it just wasn't important, as long as my mother was happy. Circling back to your thread, hopefully your cousin will find happiness in her future. My W had supposedly resigned herself to living with her older sister as her assistant, and then met me. And is now back to being her sister's assistant, as far as I know. It sounds like your cousin has been taking care of herself (i.e. financially) for a while, so I assume that's not an issue. There's a wide open future out there for someone with a sound foundation.

JB

[HeavenlyFocus]

Of course some of the family asked about W..... all I could say was "She's in South America" which is like a broken record. A few winced, most were quiet..... the subject didn't come up again. I know most of them are thinking "what are you doing?"...... but I know what I'm doing is right. It can cut a little to see that others seemingly think less of you for doing the right thing, or that you're a fool to still love.
They don't understand, nor will they ever. That's ok, they just care about me. 

My family also feels the same way and doesn't understand my standing as I near the point of my D.   They don't get the see true inner turmoil which makes it hard to understand the struggles of the MLCer.  Glad that you had a great time with your family.

On to the dog!! I took him to a place on the walk with a bunch of rocks..... he LOVED it!! He's like a little mountain goat, climbing, smelling and digging around. Looks like I have a new place for him to have a good time.
We had a not so great experience the other night where he was making weird back and forth rocking as we took a walk in the dark.
After a min, I could see a feline head in the weeds. One fear/concern I have is bobcats. They shouldn't be in the city, but a friend of mine had his dogs attacked (and one killed) in their backyard by a bobcat (also in the city). There are rabbits out here, and the little dog loves to chase them. Well, once I could see this head in the bushes, I figured it was a kitty cat but I wasn't taking any chances. I focused the flashlight into a tight beam to blind the animal and drug the little dog away..... keeping an eye on the cat. I figured it would run away as we pulled away..... but no, it moved forward towards us in that careful prey kinda way that cats do. I didn't like that at all and got us out of there. I can take a bobcat if I need to, but it would be bloody. I gotta keep my little guy safe.

We have bobcats and coyotes in our suburb just outside of the city.  I always worried about my little dogs at night and would make sure to watch when I let them in the backyard.  Better to safe than sorry with our 4 legged friends.  Glad the little guy is getting his walks.

Hope you have a great week and that your W returns soon.

HF

[Standing Strong]

She must have known I was talking about her.....

"Ring Ring".... it's W...... after two texts (which I didn't read immediately). Funny how that works.... they text and if there's no reply instantly.... Ring Ring.  I wonder what that panic feels like.

So she's on her way back. That's good...... but you know....... things are never as they appear.
She was super happy, and SOOOOOO talkative. She seemed much like the W I knew, but you know they are like that when they want something, or are making up for something.
She dove right into all the things she did while there, almost like trying to prove that she was so busy and in the places she was meant to be. Yeah. Pretty obvious. You turn off your location when you're going to be in the places you are meant to. 

The thing is..... before....... I'd have swallowed that hook, line and sinker. What a shame that we go down this road.
She talked for a long time, I enjoyed it (for what it is), I mean, how often do you get to converse with an MLC'er and it's really nice? Take it for what it is SS...... no getting your hopes up or any expectations (and I haven't.... LOL!!)
She's coming at a bad time for me to pick her up, so I asked her to get an Uber home. 

She's going to call again before her flight (which is in a hour)....... right....... you want to talk to me soooooo bad, but I don't hear a peep for two and a half weeks. Right. 

Just such a shame...... before it would have made me so happy. How we have to temper ourselves, question everything, and know that smoke and mirrors are oh so real. I wonder though...... returning to SS, gotta smooth things over, gotta make sure everything is just the way you left it........ when the MLC'er is playing their MLC games, do they think we are idiots? I think they do.

One call at a time,

-SS

[JohnnyBravo]

When my W made her first trip back to her hometown (after BD and marriage therapy, but before she finished moving out), she seemed to rush through describing the trip. I'm not sure what else she would have had time for, but it seemed odd. (For all I know, she was just feeling guilty about not spending my birthday with me.)