[MadLuv]

You got to know when it’s time to turn the page. New thread to turn the page

Link to End of last thread
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11827.150

[Standing Strong]

Attaching, as always 

-SS

[JohnnyBravo]

Me too.

[Curiosity]

Staying with you on the next stage of this journey!

[MadLuv]

I am trying to head in a new direction. I read through my own journalling and also my thought process and reactions to see how much cycling I was doing myself. I am very cognitive that I would feel very solid and then not. I obviously have been looking for closure from H. The disrespect should be my closure. I wanted to be heard and that would somehow magically validate me. I realize now if he didn’t have the mental capacity when he left to acknowledge or validate my feelings, how in the heck can he do it now?? He is in worse shape now mentally.

 Stupidly, I wanted him to understand how much he put me through and appreciate the love,loyalty and effort I put in to not just walk away.  Somehow, that would shine some bright light in his darkness that would lead him back. In fact, I got more than most. He said hurting me kills him, he loves me and will always have love for me, but the damage he has done can not allow him to come back. Who am I kidding. No answer he gave short of changing his actions and coming back was going to be the answer I needed. I just wanted him to wake up and change his mind.

In the end if he did not have the emotional capacity to keep me and he doesn’t have the emotional capacity to let me go, then I have to be the one to let go. That is my answer. He doesn’t know what he wants. I now have to be strong enough to know that is not good enough. I have to move on. Live my life. Quit investing my heart and soul in someone that has neither to give. Not just to me, but even to himself.

 In reevaluating ALL my actions in ALL honestly I am making a fool out of myself and making my normal sane self totally unhinged due to someone else's unhinged mind. We hang on for those we love to honor our love and vows, but I have done that. I gave 200% but MLC is not able to be dealt with by sound minds. MLC can make a sound mind insane. I really do want to save my own mind. I love myself. I am not letting his MLC diminish my own love for myself any longer.

Watch out world I am on my way back. Slowly but surely. Starting with NC …none ….zip………I CAN DO THIS AND I WILL. I have no idea what the future holds, but I cant worry about that. I will worry about today. What is in front of me now. I will appreciate the good in my life and that will be enough to get me through.

[marvin4242]

TornUp we all come to these important moments of realization and decision. Its a very much part of the journey to regaining footing and healing and moving forward. Only thing I will say is that you were never stupid or acted stupidly. Don't judge yourself. You had/have real needs, real reactions and emotions. And if wasn't for your husbands state everything you did or tried makes PERFECT sense, to a rational coherent person.

Its just really hard to accept that these people we knew are no longer that. They don't make sense, they are not coherent, they are not who they were.

So just keep doing what you are doing, one step, one day, one hour at a time. If you stumble (its not uncommon) just get right back up and keep going without feeling bad or judging yourself. Trust me, you have a LOT of company here.

[xyzcf]

I was sitting here trying to form the right words of what I wanted to say, and marvin came along and said it perfectly.

Only thing I will say is that you were never stupid or acted stupidly. Don't judge yourself. You had/have real needs, real reactions and emotions. And if wasn't for your husbands state everything you did or tried makes PERFECT sense, to a rational coherent person.

Do not take the blame for his actions. Nor think in anyway that you have not done all you could.

Whatever has caused him to leave his family behind, whatever the cause is.....the reality is that this is not the way that people leave a relationship. All your efforts or all your self examination of where you went wrong really do not matter.

This cannot be resolved by us.

[Curiosity]

Tornup, I read your posts and nod in agreement and recognition the whole time… the hard moments are painfully familiar, but the moments of realization and the personal victories are wonderfully familiar.

I was having a discussion with W today; I’ll update my thread with my own pondering. But one of the messages was the idea that we are all doing the best we can at any given moment, given the resources we have available to us. I heard it on Dr. Lee Baucom’s podcasts, but w was familiar with some version of that saying. So… even the MLCer is doing the best that he or she can (in some cases of overt monster I struggle to believe this, but with the wallower types I definitely believe it). And more importantly, you and I and all of us here are doing the best we can, moment to moment. Doesn’t mean there will be no weak moments, doesn’t mean you will constantly be in a state of grace and strength and enlightenment. But it does allow room to, when you become aware and shore up your emotional strength or get a new source of support, try to do better in the moments that follow. So yes, absolutely, move forward with your plan - it sounds absolutely right for you! Keep journaling, keep processing… I journaled a LOT, and I spewed a lot of anger which I went back and re-read often, especially when I was feeling sad. Eventually I reached a place where I was done with the anger. I deleted those journal entries and moved on. You are finding your path forward and that’s a wonderful thing.

[Zion]

Torn,

You are doing great and like the others have stated please give yourself grace.  Like most LBS you were expected to be treated with respect, since you had been loved and respected for so long.  The MLC, depression, and/or affair flipped the script, and you now find ourselves in an upside-down world that you are unfamiliar with.  It is a slow slow slow realization that the space is unsafe and your spouse will not restore that safety.

I like to view my X and OW as snakes... with privative brains, lacking true empathy, lacking a frontal lobe to reason, and desperately trying to protect themselves.  When I feel sad that a snake bit me, I remind myself that it wasn't personal, it is an unfeeling and desperate snake that instinctively bit me when I came too close and disturbed its peace.  My job now is to build a boundary around my space to keep the snakes away and to work extra hard on modeling empathy and boundaries for my children.

I surround myself with others that show love, empathy, logical thinking, good choices, patience...the list goes on and on.  There are many many wonderful humans and I have a lot of them in my life.  I truly truly have a wonderful life.

I listened to this Dr Ramini vlog about it not being important to understand a narcissist (not saying any of us are dealing with a narcissist, but still applies)
https://youtu.be/9xYOTAb0dHE

[MadLuv]

Only thing I will say is that you were never stupid or acted stupidly. Don't judge yourself. You had/have real needs, real reactions and emotions. And if wasn't for your husbands state everything you did or tried makes PERFECT sense, to a rational coherent person

Marvin-I feel more stupid for not cutting contact earlier and pushing for answers he couldn’t give. seeming desperate when in person when he couldn’t get away quick enough. Something about his lack of empathy and him driving 6 hours and then going to her apt. and not seeing his kids etc. It made me unhinged a little in those moments. Just wanting to shake the sense into him. I regret those moments, but I am only human like you said. I just think like most know it just validated is escape needs.

This cannot be resolved by us

I realize this now. Wish my heart would have accepted it sooner. I think my mind always did.

But one of the messages was the idea that we are all doing the best we can at any given moment, given the resources we have available to us. I heard it on Dr. Lee Baucom’s podcasts

Curiosity- this is something that came up in our conversation when we were working on my D30 wedding speech. I said to him I will never understand how you just left without wanting to go to one therapy session. Not ever telling me there was a problem with us or our marriage was in danger. Do you feel you did everything you could to save you family? He said …I did everything I was able to do. I said,I guess in your own mind??? Pretty heartbreaking

I like to view my X and OW as snakes... with privative brains, lacking true empathy, lacking a frontal lobe to reason, and desperately trying to protect themselves.  When I feel sad that a snake bit me, I remind myself that it wasn't personal, it is an unfeeling and desperate snake that instinctively bit me when I came too close and disturbed its peace.  My job now is to build a boundary around my space to keep the snakes away and to work extra hard on modeling empathy and boundaries for my children

zion- What a great way to analyze and look at it. I will remember this!!!

You know when my D14 was alive we went to walmart and she had a dog tag necklace made with her full name. When she died I found it in her jewelry box. I remember when she made it she chose the actual dog bone shape and not the more “normal “ choice of the standard dog tag if a human was going to wear it. She also got it multi colored. When I realized my XH was struggling I gave it to him and he wore it everyday.

A couple months ago when he said he still couldn’t sleep I sent him one D14 bears. I placed a card in it telling him it was hers with a favorite poem as well. I told him to try and sleep with it and I hope it brought him comfort. When he told me he was having the OW move in he brought the bear back. It was a gut punch. I think my stomach dropped and heart skipped a beat. I thought, wow…. We are here because he was struggling with her death and now he is giving a part of her back???

He said, I didn’t  think you would want it in the same bed as the OW. I said, you know you’re right. I said you know what else I don’t want next to the OW? D14 necklace. He said, I was hoping you wouldn’t say that. I said , I am. He said, I take it off at night. I said, can you say you will never hug her with it on?? That was a memory
 of her with me. I was willing to give it to you because you were struggling, but it is a part of me. You don’t need to wear a part of me on you while with OW. He was gutted to take that necklace off. I felt guilty  taking it back, but he made choices and I decided I didn’t need to give something that had so much meaning to me to someone that was not showing my feelings matter. I needed to put me first.

Taking back the necklace was the first time I stuck to what I needed. I put the necklace on the bear today and I am going to start sleeping with it. It is now a part of her, part of me and yes, a part of him. What’s more important is that it is giving me the strength when I see it to know I am taking back some control. I am honoring my loss and what I need. It has been about him for so many years. I lost the same daughter. I deserve to stop worrying about his pain and start dealing with my own. My loss of my D14  and the loss of my marriage. It really is ME time now!