[Nas]

I deserve to stop worrying about his pain and start dealing with my own.

You’re absolutely right about this. And it’s not because of a lack of compassion. It’s because it will not change anything and it’ll go on and on and on.
I don’t want to take a lot of time on your thread talking about my own story, but I do want to share this one:
I have not seen or spoken to my former H in years. I don’t know his phone number or where he lives. In those years, I have dealt with some really heavy things. All while he is off somewhere worrying only about himself.

We had a longstanding in-joke about an orange balloon. In the early days after BD, when he was clearly struggling and using my love for him to his benefit and to manipulate me and buy time and cover up misdeeds (that’s what it was, I won’t sugarcoat it),
In those early days, he would repeatedly tell me that he “had” to leave even though he was afraid it would “put him in the ground.” He made a lot of comments suggesting that he didn’t think he was going to survive leaving.
I bought a big bag of orange balloons at the time and gave them to him and hold him every time he felt that life was getting too heavy he should blow up one of the orange balloons, breathe in all of his anxieties and fears, tie the balloon up and let it go.

I never knew what happened to that bag of balloons after he disappeared. And then this past spring, years later, I heard from his mother that he had called her, she felt that he was either drunk or in some kind of distress and she was very worried about him. And during that phone call, he made a comment to her that she should, “tell Nas I’ve used up all the balloons.”
I’m sure he hoped that would elicit some kind of response even though I have no way of getting in touch with him. As if I would resort to sending messages back-and-forth through a go-between. (Interesting also that she is willing to pass on messages like that but she absolutely will not give me any information on him and wouldn’t give me a phone number or address for my lawyer when I had one, because “that’s between the two of you.”)
I did not react to the balloon comment when his mother told me. I did not send a response back and honestly, after spending a day or two thinking about it, I honestly haven’t really thought about it again until recounting the story right now.
The point is, even with no contact, an entire new life and nothing left between us, he still seemingly made a manipulative attempt to play on my sympathies or get something for himself. It’s all 100% about him snd his needs. I have moved around 7 times in 5 years, been dealing with debt and deaths and poverty and cancer without him, but when he needs an ego stroke or a hit of the old wifey compassion, he still expects it to be there. It’s truly mind blowing.
Live your life and leave him to his.

[MadLuv]

Wow Nas- Thanks for sharing. That truly is craziness and obvious self serving message. I love you gave nothing back. Neither of them deserved it. These are the stories that help you to see that it may never end and we really truly need to start making ourself number one.

[MadLuv]

A little therapy talk. Today I went over my last convo and the first crazy monster I have ever had with my XH in the 31 years I have known him. I also discussed taking back the D14 necklace from XH. I told my IC that I felt bad taking it back as he has worn it now for years and I know it meant a lot, but ultimately it was a necklace purchased with D14 and I together and I gave it to him as a gesture of love and support, however it is a memory of D14 and I.

 The necklace is not just hers but part of me as well and if he was going to move in with OW he did not need to have a part of me in his new relationship. Honestly the thought of him hugging someone with our D14 necklace on made me a little sick. IC said that the reasoning and explanation made total sense and I feel a little better about it. It’s funny that I should feel bad about anything after what XH put me through. Including his monstering from me asking him some questions. He can cheat, lie and manipulate, but I can’t ask questions??? IC said you have been more than generous and you have given so much and you haven’t gotten anything in return. Stepping away from the situation is the best decision you can make. Turn your focus on you.

 IC said “ you will have a lot of extra time now with not focusing on him. What are you going to do”??? I have a long list from friend time, home remodel to change the looks of all the rooms, prepare for the holidays, hosting small thanksgiving with my 2 kids, grandson, new SIL and his parents. 2 more NFL games to go to. One I am taking 4 co-workers and one I am going with s28 and 3 of his friends. That one I may or may not survive!!!  Hahaha So many things to keep me busy!!!

[MadLuv]

And……. He didn’t pay the weekly alimony. It is always amazing to me how I pay when he doesn’t get his way for what he did to me. I am not reaching out. I will wait and see if he caves and pays. If he does not I will have an outside source message him. I am not cracking!!!!!!

[MadLuv]

I had my thyroid cancer check this week. I do not have a thyroid anymore as I opted with the cancer to have it completely removed to help avoid returning cancer after treatment. I have continued to have reoccurring thyroid cancer despite that. Luckily nothing that has had to be treated in the past few years.

However, my thyroid numbers are way off all of a sudden and we don’t know why, but I am extremely hypothyroid. So, NOW I am very proud of myself for how things have went personally. No wonder why I am so tired, a little down and have felt I went backwards. Besides the obvious additional bomb drops of reality my XH has continued to drop I have a bad imbalance going on. So, now I am going to give myself a serious slap on the back for handling things as well as I did.

Hopefully, I can get my body back in balance and now with no contact I can regain my peace and start to move on with my life.
Day 8 no contact is feeling pretty good already!!!

Oh, he paid the alimony also, so the attempt to poke me didn’t work and he gave in and paid. Things are looking up and the tide is changing in my favor!!! 

[MadLuv]

In such a strange head space this week. XH birthday is Friday and he is moving the OW in this weekend as well and it is the year to the date of the last weekend he spent in our house never to return. I am sad this is where we are and I have also been nauseous for a week and can’t seem to shake it. I am also not able to concentrate on work or anything. I’m just in a real weird head space and for the first time the realization this is over. There is just something really gut wrenching about a really solid marriage at one point ending in such a bizarre way.

I believe it is happening, but then can’t believe it is happening. I just can not imagine what could make anyone flip the switch that makes them leave their family. I dont think I will ever understand how it is the answer. Going into the holidays this year for some reason is harder than last. Last year I was in shock and figured it would not last. He would come to his senses. This year I think I realize he is never possibly coming to his senses. The man I loved and the father of my children is dead. There is nothing left of the man I knew and I don’t see him trying to find himself. It’s such a waste of a life. Family is everything and to them it is nothing. What a bad place to be. Rambling…..just so many mixed emotions this week

[barbiedoll]

I hear you Tornup , I really do.  I believe I can often re-visit times of emotional shock , that it still does not compute. I can actually experience physical waives of adrenaline in my stomach when I think that any of this actually happened. All these years later , I am still digesingt that he truly and actually had an affair and left are home. I don't know why my body can still react to just the "thought" of it. 

Recently I said this to my husband . The way we started out as a couple ..it was just so exciting ,so pure, so in love . It felt like it would never change and for many many years , we were happy . I always knew he was so in love with me ,so attached physically and just committed in everyday. I thought I was soo lucky. And now? Its all gone and in many ways he still can regard me as unsafe..maybe even the "emotional enemy". How did that even happen?  Its impossible. There is an article I once read that talked about the fact that we married just exactly the "right person"...the person that would break open our childhood wounds and create an opportunity to heal and grow. That person knows you the best, challenges your "stuff" and it is often rocky and painful...to break your hidden shadows and force you to face yourself. This works visa versa. The writer believes we always marry the exact right person to make this happen. I wish I could find it again ( I will look ). It was very interesting indeed and I believed much of it.

I asked my H . How did this happen? How did we start one way and be in this mess now ...how did it all change so much? Why? .  He does not fully know...but says things like " I never had the "right tools" to do things right, I mismanaged my mental and emotional health, I have NEVER been happy ( meaning since birth), I made the biggest mistakes a man can make, etc etc. ". There really is no simple answer.  Its OK to be in a weird place emotionally....how could we not be from time to time?  We just keep going...we have always been 100% successful at that . We just keep going...

[Treasur]

It’s a rough old stage, we know.
Tbh a lot of what you describe sounds like a normal trauma response.
A certain amount of denial initially is pretty normal too, and more and more I see that as a kind of autonomic survival mechanism....we avoid some of the reality until we are strong enough to process it, I think.
Bc it is a pretty horrible and pretty inconceivable reality, isn’t it?

What helped/helps me when I get those physical/brain trauma lurches is to drop back to as small and in the here and now life rhythm as I can. Maybe just for a little while. Bc that is what your system is telling you it needs....breathe, sleep, fresh air, comforting food, slow, steady, safe things. No big dramas, no big important decisions or plans, nothing overly complex when your bandwidth is reduced. Often I find that if I just do that for a few hours or a few days, my system resets itself.

In case it helps, Tornup, to remember what you did well and wisely....bc I know you know, but sometimes we all need a little reminder of our good choices when we feel swamped by the reality of other people’s crappy ones 
Imho sorting out the legalities and finances early means that you are not having to deal with that now while you feel as you do. That isn’t the case for most LBS here who find themselves in similar situations while also having to try to think clearly through a legal process with long term effects for them and their kids. Filling out forms while vomiting or realising through the legal process that your spouse has done even worse things than you thought or trying to keep your job to keep a roof over your kid’s heads when you can barely get out of bed. That is not chump change, Tornup, that you did that. It took pragmatism and clear-eyed courage. And it means, if you choose, that you can put your own healing front and centre and minimise any new shocking hand grenades being thrown over your walls.

As Barbie says, just keep going.
It will not always feel like it does now. You might not believe that, most of us didn’t, i didn’t, but we evolve past a lot of the shock with time. Not all of it perhaps, but a lot of it....or it becomes less sharp or less intrusive.
We’re thinking of you. X

[JohnnyBravo]

Hi, Tornup

It really is a hard thing to understand, how someone we were so close with can just disappear or transform. I think you're probably spot-on in your estimate of why this year's holidays will be harder than last year. Others here have had similar experiences with being in shock or some kind of denial/unacceptance that doesn't sink in until later. I'm concerned I'll be that way at the one-year mark. It's tough.

JB

[marvin4242]

TornUp, sorry to hear where you are right now. Its not a fun place to be that's for sure.

I have a slightly different take on where you than most. I would say unfortunately right now you are EXACTLY where you need to be. Not WANT to be, but need to be. You are suffering the aftermath of a person who is in ways disordered. The behaviour and the results DO NOT make sense. You are absolutely right to feel disoriented, it is normal because when things don't make sense we are disoriented. You are absolutely right to feel shock, because when things suddenly no longer are what they used to we are in shock. Maybe some of this is delayed acceptance, because all this happened a little while ago. But parts of you, maybe hope, maybe wishful thinking, maybe denial, kept your emotions in stasis. And now as you are starting to accept and move forward you are starting to go through the stages.

I used to think of it a little bit as when our hand gets very cold and we lose feeling. When it starts to warm up we start to feel, but the initial feelings are not pleasant, they are delay registering of what happened.

So be kind to yourself, talk about it, go to therapy, allow things to process and integrate. That doesn't mean they will "go away" but over time you will feel better, and all this will be more a part of the past than what is in the present.

Hi, Tornup

It really is a hard thing to understand, how someone we were so close with can just disappear or transform. I think you're probably spot-on in your estimate of why this year's holidays will be harder than last year. Others here have had similar experiences with being in shock or some kind of denial/unacceptance that doesn't sink in until later. I'm concerned I'll be that way at the one-year mark. It's tough.

JB

JB it takes time, it really does. Healthy functioning psyches don't turn on a dime, they don't discard and just move on. Its like turning around a large boat, you start doing it and then you have to wait. Acceptance is a key part of starting the process, and its really tough. All we can do is to just keep working at it.