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Author Topic: My Story Searching for a reason to let go and the reason is in the search

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Reading Nahs book brought some answers for me on why I struggle with D30 in life. I truly was the sole disciplinarian in her life. Always the bad cop and he was always the good cop, so much more for her to hold over me in a way. It was like a light was turned on. THAT’S IT. I truly did most the parenting. I don’t know if she and I will ever get back to a good place.

Daughters. They are just a huge pile of work are they not?  I too was the absolute disciplinarian, rule maker and enforcer. I can honestly say that my H had a very hard time with disciplining his own daughters and there was more than 1 issue over it.  His face would actually pale if I told him that he better "lay down the law" with one of them. I had to tell him what to say ! And frequently said " use your big man voice".  Rarely, if ever, was he able to do that. Used to make me furious .  So yes, he was never really the "bad guy" and I had full responsibility of 5 of them. No easy task , I can assure you.  They do think differently about him than me, but the ones that have their own kids certainly understand me much better . And they sure respect me as I ran a very tight ship....if I lost control of one of them it would have been mutiny .

I am sorry , that on top of all of it , you have to deal with a daughter that is creating more issues. How needs more issues at this point?   I would just let her be . More detachment if you will . She is young and has no real life-clue...yet.  Back to focusing on only you .

If I may , the fact that you have cleaned out your phone of pictures , messages etc is a good step. However, that you sent him "pictures that would mean something to him" is STILL  a form of pursuing. You need to go totally 100% absolute zero contact . Nothing. Zip. Black.  Once he moved his OW in, the game changes .  I believe you contacted him last week ask him about where a picture was taken ? Your daughter could just as easily done that Torn. Are you trying to "remind " him of days gone by?.  It will not work all and it is a form of manipulation in truth.  Zero contact means exactly that . Just saying...

You do not need to put on a brave tough front here Torn. Troubles with your daughter is hurtful and concerning and I do not believe you when you say "shrug it off".  Thats not at all how you feel is it? You really do have a lot on your emotional plate ...its ok to just be hurt . I would be and as a mom, I know you are not just going to forget about it or her ..we are not wired at all like that.  Its OK to just be Torn.
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Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

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Thank you all- when I say brush it off I meant let the argument go. Not brush her off. It is how I have to deal with her as she does not ever see her fault. I did send her a message that I would not allow her to disrespect me. She speaks to me like a child that is being scolded. In therapy I am being told to start putting me first and not be a door mat.

My XH did ask for videos and pictures. I decided as a step to move forward I would delete all pictures and videos of him from my phone, so I sent them to him as asked. I dont feel I should be the keeper of all the memories. He has the right to have pictures if he asks. Manipulation? Is that? Maybe I dont know how. I hate to think I am manipulating anyone. Ouch

You are right on asking him where the picture was taken. Sometimes it is habit. Not any reminder of the past. The picture was found while pulling the printed photos he asked for, so I think that is why I asked him. The conversation was open on him asking for the photos. I am trying very hard to wrap things up, so I can move on. I do need to cut off all communications. S28 accident opened the door and that was a mistake. I think for me my kids are grown, but still OUR kids. It is very hard not to discuss them with him when things come up. WE are their parents. If they were small that would not be questioned, but for me kids are kids. I know I need to get past that. They are a shared thing that I cant disconnect.

I have stated many times I get up and then down. I never try to hide that. That is why I journal so much. As stated I get to a place where I think ok…I’m doing better and then whammmm. I don't try to put up a front. I do feel better and then I don't. I am fully aware of my roller coaster ride. If I was just dealing with him I would not feel so beaten up.

As far as the kids. Where I feel blame on him is he is not here. They are stressed and I am getting those ramifications. It is a ripple affect of the destruction left behind, so do I blame him? Yep!!!  Plain and simple. I do

I have taken big steps this week. Deleting photos, videos and just trying to cut all ties. I am struggling. He just moved in with OW. On anniversary of leaving and right before holidays. It’s been a lot. I can only do my best. I will say I am sleeping better and I don’t think about what he is doing with her. I do miss our friendship and I think that is where I struggle with the cut off as he is open to a friendship and I know that. I am the one saying we cant be friends and I know we arent. It is just hard as everyone knows

I am the sole parent that is there no matter what. Yet, he hears nothing from them on their distress and I think because he is not here they don't want to push him away. I think sometimes I just must be feeling sorry for myself. I have been through a lot in my life and this one person who knew all that is causing me more. Im trying desperately to find my way of disconnect. I wish he would change his number to make it easier on me. Believe me I have asked and he refused. He said I am not going to change my number or block you. It’s not his job to give me the will power and strength, but it would be easier for me. Not going to lie.

NAS-having lost both parents to cancer, my own daughter and I have reoccurring  thyroid cancer it does bring things into perspective. I can not imagine what you go through handling this on your own. Sometimes it is helpful to stop feeling sorry for ourselves and see things can be worse. That is how I got through my own D14 death. You are amazing for all you have been through.

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« Last Edit: November 18, 2021, 03:49:33 PM by Tornup »
H-54 W-58 at BD2 M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promo requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018-I force moved out
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA in 2017-H  agrees to therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by ow)
Sept ‘18  2nd Home in new state bought for job
Oct 2018 H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip H move to 2nd home.OW4
Dec 10 ‘20 div filed/H buy prom ring 12/12
Feb 10 ‘21  div final
March ‘21  H & OW on vaca get secretly engaged
July 2021  married OW(find out May‘22)
Oct 2021   XH moves in OW(already married,tells nobody)& SD1
Feb 2022  XH is fired -vanisher
Aug 2022. XH moves in 2nd SD2
Dec 2022. XH starts communication after 1Omths
Dec-current  frequent communication

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Me - 59, xW - 51
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 15, D - 12
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019
Moved on in life

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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The issue of photos is an interesting one.
I wrestled with it for quite a while bc my former h left with virtually nothing from his old life. And tbh that made me feel as if he had never valued a single moment of it which hurt too. But that was hard to believe bc it hadn’t felt like that at the time. And I resented having to be the tidy up person for everything bc my h just skipped off to his new life, or so it seemed.  ::) and I was grieving so it hurt to look at these mementoes, hurt to throw them away, hurt to live with them.
Tbh, everything just hurt.
I did not know what to do.
So I decided to do nothing until I felt that I could act ‘cleanly’, no agenda or emotional goal or assumptions.
Which surprisingly took about three years.  ::) and then, when I was in that mindset, I realised that it was no longer important enough to me that it was worth cranking the contact door open even a bit. It just mattered much less what I thought he might think or want or should think or want. It was easier to pick what I wanted to keep and throw the rest away. Never thought I would get there, but I did  :)

Plus if my xh did that, it is reasonable to assume that it was bc he wanted to....for whatever reason, it worked for him to leave it all self-evidently did not carry the value it did for me, if it had he would have chosen differently, right? And he had YEARS to do so lol.  It just wasn’t my job to mind read and seemed most sane to take the behaviour at face value. And it seemed rather arrogant to think I knew better than he did what he wanted or should feel. If that turned out to be a choice he later regretted, if he came to feel he had erased important bits of his own life history, that was his life lesson and consequence not mine. Not one I would have made, true, but it wasn’t my choice or responsibility. And perhaps there is something rather uncomfortable about keeping mementoes of a metaphorical house you burned to the ground lol.

Now I see these things as solely mine, as mementos of my own history, along with photos from my parents. His loss perhaps, idk, he’ll just have to live with the twenty year gap I guess  ::) no idea if he gives it a moments thought, of course. Still, not my circus.
But it took three years of choosing NOT to act on my own impulses....
Funny how informative NOT acting can’s just a quieter voice that you have to let come to you, that’s all. And you need to give yourself time, Tornup.
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« Last Edit: November 19, 2021, 02:00:12 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."


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