[Curiosity]

There’s a lot of wisdom in this discussion. I don’t claim to have anything new to add, but I will share my experience so far, which seems to go along with what others have said. I feel like the healing process happens in stages, and it’s not a smooth upward trend toward wholeness. Sometimes you will feel really detached, happy, content with your life… and then you’ll hit a patch of dwelling on what happened and why and trying to make sense of it all again. Sometimes that happens because of a trigger that you are aware of, sometimes it seems to just happen. And then you will perseverate on things that keep you stuck in the aftermath of his crisis… until you are able to right yourself, reach a new place of acceptance, and move forward again.

I like to think that most of the time, those patches of getting stuck are less severe and last a shorter amount of time as you get further past the original crisis. Probably not always true, but usually. For me at least, it’s that fixer and caretaker tendency that seems to drive it. I periodically fall into a place of wanting to make it all better… but the only person I can really do that for is myself. Everyone else involved in the crisis and its aftermath, especially W, has to make it all better for herself. In my case, so does A, so does C, so does MIL. For those who have young kids, the LBS may have a role in making things better (or at least stable) for the kids… but even then, they don’t have a role in the relationship between the child and the MLCer.

For LBS folks who truly, effectively get past their fixer tendencies and learn to focus on themselves; for those who truly learn to not personalize the actions of other people… maybe they are less prone to cycling back into that “stuck” place. Maybe for all of us, it just takes time. You have to process it and work through it yourself, but you aren’t alone in that you have a whole community to help support you while you do that work. And you’re doing great, really.

[KeepItTogether]

Hi Tornup. I get how you are feeling. B-Days always trigger me. My H's B-Day is 4 days after your Xhs.  And it sounds like your XH is smack in the middle of replay.  I remember feeling so devastated with H wanted nothing to do with me, which was/is often. But now I see what a blessing that alone time for me was, and continues to be.  I used to think that if he were coming around (which as a clinger was pretty regular), it was better than him being away. (Control/Fixer issues much?  LOL)  But when they are such a giant mess, coming around us is more damaging to us. It gives them that reassurance that we are still there. And off they run back into the wild, leaving us perplexed and sad. But we grow and become so much stronger from all that. Painful as it is,  it is so necessary for our growth and acceptance. And I think I may win the award for absolute slowest learner ever.

You are doing great. Being sad and feeling all the feels is really so  important for your process. The MLCers may never learn their lesson. And sadly there is nothing we can do for them if they are unwilling to look inward. But we do grow from it. Especially if we don't run from it. May not seem that way and many can be way too hard on ourselves for "not being over it" soon enough. We get there, eventually, each in our own perfect time.

Hugs friend.

[Thunder]

I so agree with Curiousity on this Tornup!

You are going to be just fine.  Him, I'm not so sure of.

I think the key is Accepting.  Accepting he has lost his marbles and you can do nothing to help, or change him.
He needs to walk this rocky road all by himself.

Best advice I ever got was...live 'as if" he is not coming back.  So many of them don't.
Don't waste years of your life hoping for something that may never happen.
Build a good life for yourself.

You have a great family and friends who loves you.  That is more than some LBS's have.

You will get through this next week Tornup, even though I do understand how very hard this must be....and I'm sorry for that.
You will not always feel like this.

{{Big Hug}}

[MadLuv]

Thank you all. Every post reply was so unbelievably helpful. I think everything happened in a whirlwind. Every time I get a grasp it seems a new bomb is dropped. It feels like sometimes you just cant catch your breath before the next bad crazy decision is made by XH. I have always been a brutally honest person, sometimes to my detriment. Living this past year of lies and craziness can make the most sane person feel like they are losing their mind.

I think the cruelty of me working from home due to covid and being isolated and left during isolation and then before holidays last year seemed beyond cruel. I hadn’t left the house in a year when he left. I put one tank of gas in my car in a year.  When XH keeps saying I don’t want to hurt you. I am making decisions to only hurt myself, but no matter what I do I hurt you and its killing me. Everything he does is for him and him alone? He has not once thought of anyone but him. So, that little declaration from him is just another slap in the face.

Finally, I am waking up to it all, but with that comes a huge reality check of pain. I will make it through the slump. Just hate that there are these moments of sliding backwards. I will say after a year of trying to help him and be his friend and showing love and empathy….. well, right now I want the karma bus to make a little visit to him. 

[MadLuv]

Need advice as I share a little more on my story or maybe more on my XH story on one of his EA. In March of 2018 I found an old phone which exposed 3 emotional affairs. 2 reciprocated and 1 not. The phone had a months worth of emails and chats with mostly the unreciprocated affair. Let me make this clear. She did not reciprocate. From what I could tell as the story and information unfolded it started in late 2015. They traveled together. He actually got her promoted.

When working together in person it was not discussed or acknowledged what was happening on text or email. 3 times however he did try to kiss her which she refused. She stated it was when she complimented him on work related ideas ( low self esteem and she stroked the wounded ego) He also drove by her house on the way home often and messaged her that he was. He referred to himself sometimes as her stalker. I also found an email that he sent her that was sexual in nature.

She had a daughter that was having issues and had 3 small children he offered to help in an way adopting or raising. She was married and again they were not in a relationship. She stated that at times she had come into his office to tell him to stop sending messages  and he would stop for a period and then Start back up.

She also stated he would line up knives behind him on a credenza as to let her know he was suicidal. I have remained to help him due to this and knowing he was not just in limerence or mlc alone, but very very ill. I know she did not turn him in because she had known him for decades and knew he was ill, but also was worried he would kill himself as well. I continue to feel my knowledge of this and not saying anything also could create a situation that he could continue to use these same horrible coping mechanisms in the future and I knew he had an issue.

Am I then responsible for not saying anything and putting others at risk? Is it each man for themselves including the OW who he is moving in that has no idea how sick he is? This continues to weigh very heavy on me in the ME TOO era. It also adds to my feeling of just pure insane feelings of how did he get so sick. I know he has to want to help himself, but he obviously isn’t and that puts others at risk. If something else happens am I legally responsible in any way? How do I carry this information and not worry that I am putting someone else at risk? 

[Ready2Transform]

You're not legally at risk of anything. Unless he is an actual threat to someone, there's nothing any authority could do. This woman he worked with could have likely gotten him fired, but if you tried to alert his work, you're just the "spurned ex-wife". Leave it alone. His actions are his own responsibility.

The language we use is important. Referring to him as being 'sick' is not helping you heal. What he did with you and this other woman is abusive. He was not going to kill himself, but he used the threat of violence (even if he focused upon himself, the visual of the knives was meant to induce fear) in order to control women in his life. This kept this other woman from turning him in, but also no doubt created a horribly frightening experience for her at home and at work. No one deserves that, but that's not your cross to bear.

I would focus on the acceptance part of this, that he uses limerence as a tool to control others who care about him, and that until he ever got any help for these problems, you have to watch how much energy you invest. Focus on you. Big hugs.

[MadLuv]

I am more torn on the ethical end. Sexual harassment is a threat to women. I have struggled with this for 3 years. He could be doing it still now? Me knowing and not saying anything and him not getting help. Is that leaving the possibility to have more women to have this happen? Due to his inability to have healthy coping mechanisms? Also, I worked for his boss for 25 years. I was a manager for him first. He knows I would not be the scorned wife. I went to him 3 years ago to tell him my XH was suffering from
Depression due to my daughters death. His boss and wife were friends of ours for years. We moved up the ladder together . I had hoped he would encourage him into therapy when he started falling apart at work.

[Ready2Transform]

You're not his mom. I say this lovingly. Let go. You're not responsible for nor going to be able to control whether or not he gets help. None of us are, for any of our spouses. Relieve yourself of that stress today and don't catastrophize about what he might do.

[Nas]

You're not his mom. I say this lovingly. Let go. You're not responsible for nor going to be able to control whether or not he gets help. None of us are, for any of our spouses. Relieve yourself of that stress today and don't catastrophize about what he might do.

Funny, I was just writing a post that also used the word catastrophize.

You have been aware of this information for over 3 1/2 years now. I would just offer that maybe the better use of your mental energy would be in doing an honest check in and trying to figure out what is different about today that is causing you to catastrophize and think that you need to do something about it.

[MadLuv]

Because I am in therapy. This is something I have had an issue with for 3 years. Now I am in therapy trying to work through the trauma of being married to someone who lied, cheated and manipulated me and others. Again, I have not held onto this for 3 years. Please look at it as it has been eating me away for 3 years. I got him into therapy 2 times due to this. Unfortunately all focus started on the death of our daughter, so he never was treated for his unethical coping mechanisms.

 I will continue to address in therapy. I have fought with myself on it for years. I am trying to relieve myself of the burden of knowing and not doing something. Ultimately he is responsible, but somehow I feel knowing and not saying anything it part of a problem that could continue. Trying to find a way to relieve myself of feeling this way. I obviously dont want to say anything. It would cause many issues for me. That is why nothing has been said. I did call the woman and have a conversation with her when I found out and told her that she should have went to HR. That has relieved me of some of this, but I dont know if there are others or will be.

He obviously is not thinking healthy and I struggle with being complicit in his behavior and someone else getting hurt. I feel I am working on a struggle ethically I have and not catastrophize anything. Saying it is catastophizing his behavior is saying he didnt do anything wrong and I am blowing it out of purportion. I have no hidden agenda. I have a heart that is struggling with this ethical issue

My focus is totally on ME. I am not trying to protect him, make excuses anymore for him. I’m trying to focus on why do I hurt, what do I need to do to heal and how to move on. This is the first time in 3 decades my focus is on what I need