[barbiedoll]

There's broken people everywhere, and people will put up with an awful lot to get a desired benefit, be it a sugar daddy or just a warm body next to them at night.

.

Absolutely 100% true. They will always find someone ( with a different lens) who thinks they are gold.

[MadLuv]

On the subject of his baggage and finding someone else, this may surprise you, but this thought may have already crossed his mind - I was really extremely puzzled by the fact that for at least a year before BD, my former H kept saying how lucky he was that I "put up with him." Not saying it to me - sweeping statements on social media about his amazing wife who "puts up with me." The last birthday card he gave me literally said, "I love that thing you do, you know the one...keep doing it" and then on the inside it said, "Putting up with me."

I have that same card from my XH and he in fact found a OW that put up with more. One that lost both her parents at a young age and wanted to just live a better life style and is putting up with and frankly enabling him. Allowing him not to address his issues and grow. Exactly where an avoidant wants to be….for now!

[KellBell]

Thanks for your responses. I should clarify that I'm not filing for divorce to teach him a lesson. I'm doing it for me and for my children. We are first and foremost right now. Our security and our lives. I think one day he will realize he messed up and left something great. Do I care if he ever realizes that? No. But thinking it helps me cope just a little bit.

I also realize now that I took care of him and 'put up' with him because I am a care taker. And i don't like tension or fighting. It was always easier to just do it or take care of it rather than ruffle his feathers. And also because I loved him. We were childhood sweethearts and I fell in love with that immature kid...he just never grew out of it. And not all because of me and my catering. I also know that I like to be depended on - it gives me a sense of self worth. Which is something I'm definitely going to have to work on.

I am well aware of my flaws and parts of me I need to work on.

I also know that he could very well find someone else. And I am ok with that. It will hurt but we can't be together the way we are right now. Or maybe ever again. So I'm accepting of that as a possibility. And that's another reason for the divorce. It's a way of protecting me. If we were still married- I would personally feel obligated as his wife to help him, give him another chance, try to work on things. The divorce will give me a clear tangible legal separation from him. IT's something I need to process all of this.

My husband is emotionally immature and entitled. Part of his upbringing I suppose. He never had to earn anything. OR work for anything. Money was handed to him. A career path was handed to him even after he dropped out of college. His parents consistently bailed him out of any negative situation And he went from them and their house to me. And I somehow filled that role. Giving him my love without him having to earn it or work for it. A home and a family without him having to work for it. A marriage that he didn't have to work at. Believe me- I totally see my flaws and mistakes in this. I can't believe I did that. Or that I put up with that. But like I said - love blinds a lot. He was my first real relationship, my first of a lot of things and I honestly didn't know how off things were. By researching things and talking to people, I'm seeing that I was not in a healthy relationship.

My husband and I separated when were 21 and 23 and the twins were just 3. He didn't want to be a dad and do the family thing. We were separated 5 months before he came back. Saying he realized what he was throwing away and that he missed his family. Looking back- I honestly think he just couldn't hack it on his own. And his parents- for once- called him out on his crap and refused to help him. So it was easier to come back to the girls and I.

My H doesn't have any friends. None. One high school buddy that he calls every once in a blue moon. But no friends. I honestly don't think he is capable of a healthy relationship- not even a friendship. He doesn't like to be disagreed with. He doesn't try to see other points of view and he can't accept responsibility for anything negative. He's very negative and bitter- partly because of his self esteem issues. If he tears people down and points out their flaws then they come down to his level and he feels more like equals. And I think I was his rock because there was literally no one else. No one else to talk to or go to or confide in. By default. I know wives are supposed to be there for their husbands...but I was all he had. Like I said- definitely some baggage.

All this being said- I do want him to be well. I do want what is best for him. And right now, I think letting him figure stuff out on his own is the best course of action. No one can tell you need to change. You need to decide for yourself you need to change. Or at least self reflect. I know this is going to be a really difficult time for him. He is coping and numbing with alcohol and weed. Staying busy with work so he doesn't have to process. I want him to make friends and have support out there. It worries me the most that he is going through this with no one. He is overweight with no hobbies. Literally a workaholic. He has placed all his eggs in the work basket. He is dead set on using this chance to prove himself to his brother. To prove his worth. In reality he doesn't have to. He is an equal partner. It was handed to him with him not having to work for it...so maybe knowing that lowered his self esteem even more. I don't know. But i do know he is shooting for the moon with this plan. He setting an unattainable goal and that coupled with no friends, no family, depression, low self esteem, emotional immaturity and everything else...it all just boggles the mind.

It will definitely be a learning curve for him.

[Zion]

Um WOW!!!! You are lightyears ahead of most LBSs even a few years out.  Maybe because you have been his Mother and you were 100% aware and are now ready to leave that roll behind.  Take care of yourself and find a few path and maybe a true partner.

You are on the right path with your intensions!

The below shouldn't be your focus, though it shows your heart, as well as your tendency for saving him.  Taking are of himself, so he can show up for his family is HIS responsibility.  Taking care of yourself and doing some work around why you put up with his behavior and lack of partnership should be your goal. 

Kelly sounds really really BADASS!!!!

All this being said- I do want him to be well. I do want what is best for him. And right now, I think letting him figure stuff out on his own is the best course of action. No one can tell you need to change. You need to decide for yourself you need to change. Or at least self reflect. I know this is going to be a really difficult time for him. He is coping and numbing with alcohol and weed. Staying busy with work so he doesn't have to process. I want him to make friends and have support out there. It worries me the most that he is going through this with no one. He is overweight with no hobbies. Literally a workaholic. He has placed all his eggs in the work basket. He is dead set on using this chance to prove himself to his brother. To prove his worth. In reality he doesn't have to. He is an equal partner. It was handed to him with him not having to work for it...so maybe knowing that lowered his self esteem even more. I don't know. But i do know he is shooting for the moon with this plan. He setting an unattainable goal and that coupled with no friends, no family, depression, low self esteem, emotional immaturity and everything else...it all just boggles the mind.

It will definitely be a learning curve for him.

[Curiosity]

Kelly, I’m so impressed with how you’re navigating this. I see a lot of familiar things - not just in my own story but in several stories here… an MLCer who never fully grew up, who seeks validation yet always on some level feel like life owes them more than they have; an LBS who avoids conflict, who is a fixer and a caretaker and who happily takes on the role of the grown up. Sometimes we think they’re a little immature when they’re young, but they’ll grow out of it - and of course a lot of people do. And of course every story is unique in many ways, but the common elements are pretty remarkable.

The single most important thing I have done in this process was to turn my lens inward; to look not at how I contributed to the crisis, but at how our marriage really was and at how I really was. The second most important thing was to realize that my frailties didn’t make me a bad person but they did represent things I would be happier and more fulfilled if I changed… and then to actually make those changes.

No advice to add - you’re doing all the right things as best I can tell!

[UrsaMajor]

Na ja Kelly,

It will happen sooner or later to him.....



Better to happen when you are NOT acting as either parachute or cushion...

[KellBell]

Something interesting....

I talked to my therapist today who mentioned Grass is Always Green syndrome. And after looking into it a bit...I can safely say my H definitely possesses a lot of those characteristics.

We have upgraded houses about every 5 years in our marriage. This last time (5 years ago) we built a beautiful 6,000sqf 'forever dream home'.

My H always took us on bigger and better vacations, newer and better cars, toys etc. It seemed like a routine cycle. In looking at that - I think it was 1) because of his entitlement issues 2) because he was always in search of something better...and by searching for something better it was a project that for him to dive into and research. Partly because it gives him a mission or something to control...I don't know. Hard to explain.

So is probably shouldn't be all that surprising that low and behold right on schedule...year 5 in this house and he decides it's time for something better. Only where do you go when you have financial security, a beautiful home, and wife and kids that love you? Well...you see if starting a new life could be better. A life that is more focused on 'me' rather than 'us'. He is definitely in the research/project phase of the move. He has a fully furnished rental house for year. Looking at real estate and planning to buy a house when the lease is up. He's busy getting his car registered there and getting a new state license. All the normal relocation stuff. So definitely in the 'project' phase of finding something better. I just wonder how it will be when all the relocation stuff is done and it's time to 'set up a life'. Make friends, date, find happiness... Right now he is a workaholic and drinking a lot to cope. But eventually he is going to have to 'set up life' there or he's going to fail. And since he's a habitual quitter when things get tough...that kind of worries me. Mostly because I care about him but also because he is the father of my children and they deserve a dad that can figure his sh@t out. Guess we'll see.

Anyway... I thought that was really interesting. Especially since the kids and I have recently talked about how it felt like he was always searching for better with all the moves. I will say this is where the midlife crisis comes in. Because a rational and logical person would not think that starting over by yourself, cutting out your family and kids and leaving your life behind sounds like fun or something better.

Anyone's husbands have GIAG syndrome or glimpses of it in their marriages?

[KellBell]

I have a question regarding minor kids. I get that this is his thing to figure out and I'm giving him space to do that via a divorce (lots of reasons precipitated that). I don't talk to him unless it's about scheduling a visit. I have full custody at his request.

So my question is...do I send him photos and videos of the kids OR no? Like we went to the pumpkin patch...or halloween is coming up or she's in a volleyball tournament this weekend.

Not sure...like I want to because these were annual things that he took part in, but also I don't want him to feel anymore shame or regret.

thoughts?

[Rollercoasterider]

Yes, send him photos and /or videos of the kids.
He should feel shame and regret when it's self-created. You sending pictures doesn't mean you're creating the shame and regret. Yes, it can be overwhelming, but it's of his doing. Don't shelter him from his self-created shame.

[UrsaMajor]

I still send xW pictures of things that the kids and I are doing (I take the pics so am not in them) and I am nearly ABD + 5 years and have moved forward with my life. I do it to show that the kids are not simply sitting behind their screens (computer or phone) when they are with me as she has often hinted at, that they are taken care of just as well, if not better with me than when they are sitting at her house watching TV or playing on their PCs....

Maybe it is the wrong thing to do - some might consider it passive-aggressive - but for me it is a way to keep xW informed about what is happening with the kids when they are with me. What she feels as a result is outside my realm of control.... Not my circus, not my monkeys...