[5hilmerton]

Wow, i skip one day and need to catch up!

Still following,
5hil

[Pacman]

There are plenty of things that I and others could suggest that would help you to prioritise your level of stress and wellbeing right now. If that’s helpful, we’ll be happy to share our experience of what worked and what didn’t for us.
More importantly though, what do you think you need to do? What do you need to do more of and less of, do you think?

This is why I'm here. To try and make my life easier, vent, learn and be the best I can be.
I need to focus more on myself and try to let go of 23 years.. because it's obvious that is what she is doing.

Pacman- I had a little mini breakdown this weekend after S28 accident. It was actually a life changer. I just let everything out. All the sadz and madz that were built up and then was like WTF to be honest. This is what this is doing to me??? Nooooo, I have to get my $hitzzzzz together. I am better than this.

Sometimes a mini breakdown and release can be a recharge. A eye opener to the changes needed. For me a mini WAKE CALL that I don’t want to lose myself. This is such a crazy thing and who wouldn’t feel a little off the rails dealing with the insanity of it all.
Then you remember—— it’s them no me. It’s them not me!!!

This is the part that I need to keep reinforcing to myself. I may have not been the best husband/person but I was loyal and should stop punishing/questioning myself for her choice.

[Treasur]

This is why I'm here. To try and make my life easier, vent, learn and be the best I can be.
I need to focus more on myself and try to let go of 23 years.. because it's obvious that is what she is doing.

And that is why imho aiming for Acceptance matters. Less about giving up, more about surrendering to the current reality as you see it.
Accepting the current factual stuff that has happened/is happening.
That doesn’t mean you have to entirely write off those 23 years, Pac. But it does mean accepting that life is now different. And that some of the future is now unknown. And that you need to adapt to that and have faith that you will figure it out as you go along.

So, what will make your life easier now?
What are you doing to learn, focus on yourself and be your best? IC? GAL stuff? Basic self care?

[UrsaMajor]

I need to focus more on myself

yes, you do.

and try to let go of 23 years..

What does "letting go" look like for you? Rewriting history that it was all horrible or didn't happen is what the Mid-Lifer is doing. Recalling that there were good times as well as not-so-good times is reality. This is NOT a "Men In Black" episode where you get to look at the flashy thing and have your memory erased. "Letting Go" needs to be in a healthy manner - maybe more like "acceptance" that things are the way they are now, that the person that you knew as Spouse has been invaded by a Body Snatcher and is no longer internally the person that you married. That doesn't mean that your history is/was invalid or not real

because it's obvious that is what she is doing.

And right here is exactly the kind of "Stinkin' Thinkin' " (to rip off a phrase from Zig Zigler) that needs to be chopped off at the root.... This snarky add-on (yeah, we have all done it, all been there) does nothing to help YOU heal... THAT is what this is all about. Your Mid-Lifer is on her own path and there is NOTHING THAT YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT so this kind of thinking is like purposefully and repeatedly sticking a needle dipped in a mixture of rubbing alcohol, salt water, and juice from a Carolina Reaper Chili Pepper under your skin. You are focusing your attention on her and therefore feeding your own anger, wich then, in turn, feeds your own pain.

What does that do for you? What are you getting out of it by doing so? What need is being met?

Maybe it is time (maybe not - maybe it is still to fresh - only you and time can tell) to start to change the above sentence.... migrate to something more along the lines of

I need to focus more on myself, on my healing, on my emotional health and give MLCW and her issues to the Universe/God to handle. I can only control my own happiness and well-being. MLCW is on her own journey, her own path that only she can control so I will let her do that and no longer allow her emotional Rollercoaster to drag me along with it.

[Kind18]

I seriously just want to pack my $h!te and move away from everything...sons and grandbabies included.

This is a concerning statement.

I really think you need to get into individual counselling. Not “I went a couple of times, it helped for a day or two”… but “I’ve committed to ongoing IC to unpack all that has happened to me and learn long term strategies to help me cope.”

You’ve admitted you’re struggling with anger and resentment and that you are at your limit. You really need a professional to get involved and help give you the tools you need so this becomes manageable.

[Pacman]

I am at the point that I want to confront the prick. He blocked me as soon as I knew about the affair.
Which in itself says he knew it was crap but still kept doing it.

I won't though as it proves I am less than both of them.

Have spent today making a bedroom in the shed for my granddaughter so her parents have their own space. Invited DIL father to help so that he feels part of the transition. That was good because normally I would just do stuff by myself and refuse help.

So also cooking a family  pork roast for us to sit down and have  dinner together.

Another day forward in this piece of crap that life dealt me.

[Pacman]

Got a message from her this morning asking if it was OK for her to come and visit boys (19 and 22) and grandchildren?
She saw pics of the room I'm building for granddaughter and responded with a heart emoji.

Not sure how I feel about this.

Might be cake eating??

[JohnnyBravo]

Pacman,

I think she'd be looking for more from you for true cake eating, but it may be too soon to tell what's going on with her. Could have had a bad day with the OM, could have a moment of clarity that will vanish before she remembers to come over, or she gets some other personal gain from it. Only allow what you are comfortable with.

JB

[Pacman]

Pacman,

I think she'd be looking for more from you for true cake eating, but it may be too soon to tell what's going on with her. Could have had a bad day with the OM, could have a moment of clarity that will vanish before she remembers to come over, or she gets some other personal gain from it. Only allow what you are comfortable with.

JB

It's a hard one. I know I'm "trying to taste green with my elbow" in trying to understand her motives....but maybe it's just straight forward and she wants to see the grandchildren...................which is interesting as she only lives 10 minutes away and they can visit her anytime.

I could accept it on face value and "if" she turns up while I'm there I can display some of the changes I've made, not that she will believe them anyway.
OR she will arrange to turn up when I'm at work.......not sure if I'm comfortable with that.

[Treasur]

Right now, Pac, i’d suggest that her motives - cake or not - don’t matter so much.
What matters is you - and your sons and their partners too - only doing what feels appropriate and ok for you right now. Have you asked your sons if they have discussed her visiting with her? And what their preferences are? Bc tbh they are adults and entitled to see her (or not) where or when they wish to do so. So it is probably worth asking them for their preferences?

And you can, based on that, choose what you are ok with. And a reminder....it isn’t all about her, you know, or if she ‘pops by’. You - and your sons for that matter - can say no, not here, not yet. And you can tell her a time rather than leaving it all up to her and arrange to be busy somewhere else doing something else if you don’t feel ready to calmly do a quasi family visit just yet.

We hear you, that you are struggling right now. And your mental wellbeing is a good enough reason for saying no, not yet, not here or yes with conditions. Or indeed to take yourself out of the equation altogether and agree with your adult sons that they should make their own arrangements directly with her if they want to see her, ideally someplace other than your home. What you do is unlikely to have any big effect on her current chosen path right now, either good or bad, but it may have a significant effect on how you navigate your unchosen one. Jmo.