[MadLuv]

New beginnings and time to put in play all the good advise
Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows!!  Have come to the conclusion that if those closest to me can treat me so poorly they have to live with that. I have nothing eating at my soul.

Let’s so this damn thing!! No contact is my goal. Thank you to everyone who keeps trying to get me to see the light and encouraging me to be accountable for my own movement towards healing.

Link to old thread
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11846.0

[Treasur]

Yes it does, Tornup ((hug))

[barbiedoll]

I do apologize if I ouched-you Tornup , NEVER would that be intentional. I think that many LBS ( including myself ) do try to deliver "truth-darts " or "reminder-darts" hoping it somehow jolts them into change or back into reality. Sending pictures or memories seems to be an action with that intent. To remind him of you or your family to see if it creates change . If they were sent at his request perhaps I am wrong about that and I apologize of course. I curious why he would ask you for them... maybe he is trying to give you mixed messages, a very common tactic. 

I am trying very hard to wrap things up, so I can move on.

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I know you are , but I suspect it will takes years . Many years . And it will be internal emotional changes , awakenings and such ( so I have been told) and unlikely to come as a result of physical actions. I feel like I will never fully recover no matter how long I live.

I think for me my kids are grown, but still OUR kids. It is very hard not to discuss them with him when things come up. WE are their parents. If they were small that would not be questioned, but for me kids are kids. I know I need to get past that. They are a shared thing that I cant disconnect.

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I respect that you feel this way and it makes sense , it does. I experienced it 100% the opposite . I am always amazed at how different everyone is and how our reactions are sometimes opposite. No right or wrong ..just different.  I felt like they were MY girls. Mine alone and that he had walked away from his family...I did not want to include him in any "family" discussions or happenings. And I did not.  My mind was not  functioning on full throttle at the time... and if he "wanted to get out of his marriage " , I made sure he stayed out. I cannot describe the anxiety or trauma to me if I had to see him. I felt like I was going to die.  My girls were adults , the youngest ( at home) was 23. If they needed him for any reason at all they could contact him directly and not even tell me about it. I am not part of that relationship and I did not want to be. I do not believe any of them contacted him, but I am not certain.  I would not have contacted him for ANY reason on the planet. The pain of doing so would have been profoundly harmful to me.

I have stated many times I get up and then down. I never try to hide that. That is why I journal so much. As stated I get to a place where I think ok…I’m doing better and then whammmm. I don't try to put up a front. I do feel better and then I don't. I am fully aware of my roller coaster ride. If I was just dealing with him I would not feel so beaten up.

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This is me to an absolute T.  I still is at times and that is the truth . And I have been at this for years.  I am sometimes shocked at the intensity of emotion when I am circling the rabbit hole. Still.  It still hurts like nothing I have ever experienced...and then I feel "better" and then back into anger and hurt.  Less often , but it is still there . I get it.

As far as the kids. Where I feel blame on him is he is not here. They are stressed and I am getting those ramifications. It is a ripple affect of the destruction left behind, so do I blame him? Yep!!!  Plain and simple. I do

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I understand this feeling completely . The ripple effect is beyond anything anyone can imagine..until you live it. I still feel the effects and see it in my daughters. I was once told that any decisions I make about my marriage will affect 7 generations.  I experienced pure black hatred for my husband on more than 1 occasion.  The emotional reactions seem to be endless .

I am struggling. He just moved in with OW. On anniversary of leaving and right before holidays. It’s been a lot. I can only do my best. I will say I am sleeping better and I don’t think about what he is doing with her. I do miss our friendship and I think that is where I struggle with the cut off as he is open to a friendship and I know that. I am the one saying we cant be friends and I know we arent. It is just hard as everyone knows

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I believe that few people in the real world understand the suffering of the LBS. Enough suffering to change every aspect of who we are, to be diagnosed with PTSD and all that is involved with that, to suffer such stripping of your self-esteem and your basic belief and trust in others ...all gone. To feel the loss of someone that you slept skin to skin with for sometimes decades...it is utterly shattering.  It is just so very hard . Being his friend?  Absolutely not . Does he think you would go for coffee as if none of this happened ?  Coffee behind the OW's back?   NO.  He needs to feel some loss as well..

I wish he would change his number to make it easier on me. Believe me I have asked and he refused. He said I am not going to change my number or block you. It’s not his job to give me the will power and strength, but it would be easier for me. Not going to lie.

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Oh my !  It is not his job for sure. Its for you to gift yourself with healing time, to allow him to feel the consequences of his decisions long term and to move forward and out of the drama. You can and will do it ..takes time and practise in a way .  It does become easier it just takes sooo long.  Keep going Torn !

[MadLuv]

Barbie-
I appreciate and and all truth darts, always. Sometimes in my journalling I forget to put it all out there. In our discussions he had asked for videos, pictures, etc. i just didn’t feel like he deserved to have any of those since he walked away. Then I rethought it. Nope, he can have them. Does he give me mixed messages? Beyond belief he does. His answers on everything change like wind and he does not want to totally let go.

On the kids. I often refer to then as my kids. I am trying always to be the bigger person and get out of that mind set. Not for him,  but for them. I have my own residuals from my parents divorce. I can totally see the 7 years ramifications.

You know he talked a few weeks back on his birthday how he slept through it. She bought a small cake and a new briefcase and then felt the need to explain why he needed a new one. As I had bought him a very expensive one. He said it had started getting holes. In that conversation I said I thought you needed a new ipod. I assume d she would get you one? He said no. I don have access to our shared music. I wont give him the sign on. Why? Because with apple music if he has the sign on he can also see my text messages and read them.

So, I bought him a new ipod and put all the music on it. Sent it to him. He paid for his music and it is important to him. He has playlists that he listens to in different modes of his depression. He over paid his alimony to me and I thought ok. I will use that and get him his music back. I told him now to create his own account going forward and anything he buys can be added going forward. It is my last gift to him.

I’m ready to move on. He said he will message me and let me know when he gets it. I will not respond when he does. I’m really ready to cut the cord on this attachment. I made a list of the unforgivable things he has done vs how he could have done it that would have been more respectful to me. It is now my reminder that he had choices and I want no part of a person that would treat me with so little respect.

I cant get back the last year of trying to be there for him. Where has he been? No where for me??? I am finally grasping that. He made choices. He is with someone that is just as damaged and so below him. Who they are with?? Gross. Honestly. I am a great gal. Attractive, intelligent, well liked. He knows my worth. I am not an enabler, but she is. He can sink in the pool he is swimming in. For me I think it would be very hard to ever take him back. I just dont see him in the high regard that he was. He is no longer the sweet and loving man I married and who he chooses to be with is not something I want to move past.

I was talking with some gf’s and told them the OW kind of reminds me of the gf that cheated on him in college and told her bf that my XH was bad in bed. He found letters. It really messed him up. I think he is trying to recapture and fix that old aspect of his life ( in all honesty) I think he is dealing with old wounds in the most unhealthy way. It’s not working.

He does need to live with his decisions. I am going to leave him to it. I am too good for all of this. I dont want drama and I dont want disrespect from th one person that I deserve nothing but respect from. Nah’s book truly was a live changer. I saw him, my kids and myself in a new light. He is now not a person that is worthy of anything from me. I dont know if he wiil feel my loss. He is so far down the rabbit hole and so weak. One thing I know is that I have done everything I can. It is all on him to deal with his past hurts. I am going to hold my head up high and move on for me. Frankly I no longer care if he sees the light. His light for me has dimmed beyond repair.

I guess we will see where his story goes. I will no longer have much insight into that. His choice and my decisions now. I am taking control of me. I am truly at a place of meh. I dont hate him, but I also dont feel love for him anymore. That is hard to say. It took my sons accident and a mini break down o get here, but as my therapist said “ you give so much and you aren’t getting anything back. He doesnt love himself. He is incapable of loving anyone else” I see that now.

I will leave him to his life and his choices. As he has said “ I appreciate everything, I just dont feel I deserve any of it. I’m not worthy of you” he is right. Where he is…he does not deserve me. I am way to good for him. He has lost so much more than me and where he sits right now is a little pathetic I’m just to strong of a person to be with someone so weak and damages. He has to find his own way and I am no longer going to stand in his way. I need to get back to ME!!

I am Flying out today with my son and friends to the chiefs game. I will have a blast. I am going to come home and start making a list and plan for my future. I may be ready to sell the house I love. Not because of him, but because frankly I dont know if I want to be where he left me. I think it is an anchor for him. I need to not be his anchor.

Thank you Barbie. I appreciate all advise and insight. You have No idea. I dont know where I would be without it. I think you are going to see a whole new Torn. I think I found my worth again and I am ready to start living and see where my story goes…he has said “ he cant go back to the way it was” he wants his old life back, but he knows it is gone. He doesn’t seem to see a new life with me or our family. He is living in what was and wallowing in it. He is right on one thing. There is no going back to what was.

[xyzcf]

Have fun at the football game with your friends.

My comment after reading your latest post is that of course we are "good enough", more than good enough.....which always brings me back to MLC 101.....this is not about me, this is not about our marriage.

It's not about the OW either.

Something is broken inside them , and for what ever reason ( I have yet to see any pattern of those who make it through) many never resolve their crisis.

I still would accept my husband back into my life but that is a personal choice. Not as he is.....but what he could be. After so many years and COVID, the loneliness I feel is taking its toil.

Each of us makes that decision for ourselves. Some go on to find another....I just am happy to be at peace with the life I have (which is very good in many ways).

We really have no idea what the future holds do we? So we focus on the here and now, without too much projection for  tomorrow.

At least that is what works for me.

Have a good weekend!

[MadLuv]

Chiefs won! Yay. Had a good time with my son and his 2 friends this weekend, however a few drinks in on tailgating my son told me his sister said that she did not think she would be allowed to let her son around me anymore. She was not comfortable as I had started smoking.  So, I quit smoking 16 years ago. I did just start smoking a little in last 2 weeks, but only do it on back porch and of course would not smoke with my grandson.

My son ( god bless him) told his sister that their father chews so much tobacco that he shouldn't have jaws and he is sure I will not stick with smoking and she was ridiculous. It is getting a little unsettling that their father is a serial cheater and a sexual harrasser, but because I have had a few cigarettes I am a problem.

Breathe in Breath out…. You can not make this up!!!

[MadLuv]

I am doing so much processing lately. Reading others stories and waking up in my own right and getting out of my own fog. I am going to continue to read all your stories and try to live and learn through all of you. What a crazy ride this is.

I myself have a lot of hope that I am headed into a much better place of my own clarity. Thank you all for continuing to share your lives. It really does allow us all to not feel alone and bring some sanity in this insane situation.

As Pink says… No one's handing you the keys or a book with all the rules
The little that I know I'll tell to you
When they dress you up in lies and you're left naked with the truth
… You throw your head back, and you spit in the wind
Let the walls crack, 'cause it lets the light in
Let 'em drag you through hell
They can't tell you to change who you are
That's all I know so far
And when the storm's out, you run in the rain
Put your sword down, dive right into the pain
Stay unfiltered and loud, you'll be proud of that skin full of scars
That's all I know so far
That's all I know so far

[MadLuv]

Journalling

Spent Thanksgiving just reading and relaxing. S28 was home, but has a limited food list of things he will eat ( due to a childhood illness, long story) so there was no food cooked. D30 did not reach out and I am not contacting her as she has asked for her space.

XH spent Thanksgiving with OW and her 2 daughters at what used to be our condo. I wonder why this family doesn’t wonder why this man is not with his own children? So many red flags, but goes to show you the damaged OW and family he is attaching to. I can not imagine how strange it would be to spend a traditional holiday with 3 people that were strangers not to long ago.

Maybe it is not strange at all. Maybe that is the escape and avoidance they want. Im not going to lie. It makes me a little nauseous thinking about it. Thinking he could have been with his own kids. It really does bring to reality just how messed up his mind is and there is no real light showing through yet. 

Good news is I made it through. Quit my smoking of 2 weeks and now trying to hope that Christmas will be better. I have always been a huge decorator and planner. These holidays are just a reminder of how much these MLC’ers let go of and the impact. I am hoping for better days ahead with D30. I am grateful for S28. He is working through his own depression on this situation and also has so much clarity on the what is happening.

I know bottom line I have been a good mom. I know my D30 is taking her Dads absence out on me. I am trying to hope for the best, but I can not be the recipient of her anger for him. I am trying to find a way to reach her and also not be a punching bag. She as I have said has never been an easy gal to reason with. I wont give up on trying a way to mend what he has broken. Hoping with time things will all start to fall in the place.

[barbiedoll]

I can not imagine how strange it would be to spend a traditional holiday with 3 people that were strangers not to long ago.

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I cannot either. Not in a million years will we ever understand how this happens. Even if we live to be a thousand . It is a mental place that seems to feel no conscience or sense of wrong doing ...if they think it is "wrong" at all. Thats assuming they are even "thinking" period. I have to say that this was one of the hurdles that bothered me for a very very long time and still there is no way that it sits right.

My H left town during the time he was out of our home. He had quit his job ( along with quitting his marriage) and he moved about 4 hours north to his brothers town. But he came back to our town most weekends. So when he drives into our city he does not come "home" , he goes to the OW's home and stays there most of the weekends. She lives maybe 10 minutes from my house.

He walks into an apartment  instead of his 3000 square foot Victorian home where he owns not one thing, has no belongings there, sleeps in a room that would be completely foreign, follows another families ( she had an adult son there) way of doing things and is with a "women" that is a drunk , on probation and is the giddiest nul brain I have ever met. 

Even to get in a shower that was not mine feels very weird to me ...so waking up with a new person in a new home and trying to belong ...? Just beyond crazy . Was it that easy to just switch your life completely and utterly around ...new people, new home, new routines?  He made it look very very easy.  How does one actually get that sick?   Or is it us that believe it is unimaginable?

I asked him this question when he first returned. I likely asked 100 times . He told me he simply did not give one solid firetruck where he slept...he would not have noticed any of what I question. He simply cared about nothing . Period. He could not have thought himself out of a wet paper bag ...he could not make 1 single decision. Even at his job...he quit because he could not make decisions, he could not remember anything that he had known for years.

He said "she" was better than being alone. He was 100%  positive that I no longer loved him and did not want him...even though I NEVER ever said that . She made him feel a whole list of stuff about himself. He never felt anything for her .  He also had rented a room ( I know factually that he did as I could see him paying rent on the 1st of each month as I could get into his bank account ) , so he sometimes stayed in this room. I doubt that because he simply could not stand being alone. 

No explanation will ever make me understand it and I no longer think about other than when others talk about it.  I can still get a shot of adrenaline when I remember .  Hopefully we never experience such a mental collapse and scary scary trance like emotionally dead place. 

[MadLuv]

Barbie- so much similarities except my XH has been pretty upfront as it has progressed. He is confusing. It is like he know what is happening and its not right, but he doesn’t see any other way but to see it through. 

and he moved about 4 hours north to his brothers town. But he came back to our town most weekends. So when he drives into our city he does not come "home" , he goes to the OW's home and stays there most of the weekends. She lives maybe 10 minutes from my house. He walks into an apartment  instead of his 3000 square foot Victorian home where he owns not one thing, has no belongings there, sleeps in a room that would be completely foreign, follows another families ( she had an adult son there) way of doing things

Xh moved to our condo 5 hours away and drover home every other weekend and stayed with OW in her apartment. I asked if he felt excited to drive down to see her, No. He said he drove as it was a time he could concentrate on directions and get out of his head. Once he was down her apartment was like a hotel room and he was used to that from . travel. They constantly did things so they didn't have to talk. Now that she moved in with him he is working 5am to 8pm. Already in avoidance. Not sure how the Turkey day went??? Haha

He said "she" was better than being alone. He was 100%  positive that I no longer loved him and did not want him...even though I NEVER ever said that . She made him feel a whole list of stuff about himself. He never felt anything for her

sounds like my XH. He said that she just lets him be, so better than being alone. He said when he is alone is when he thinks of ending his life. I think he has her manipulated to not ask questions and frankly as long as he is paying for expensive meals and clothes she seems willing to put up with it. There is no love there. They are both using each other.

I just will never be able to understand it. They just pile on more things to destroy themselves.