Thank you, everyone.

I could honestly completely skip Thanksgiving tomorrow and be rather content. I have always enjoyed holidays, but this year I am really in a "meh" mood about the whole event. My sister is out of town with her family this year, as they have gone to her in law's house. Normally, the in laws travel here, but her FIL has some physical limitations at the moment due to a necessary surgery he keeps putting off.
I have worked through my issues with the day, after Xh chose one Thanksgiving before moving out to sit both kids down and attempted to say him moving out was what we both wanted. Ummmm, at that time - no. I made that clear without trying to blame. I simply said we saw things differently and Xh felt it was best he moved out. Either way, that was literally right before leaving for my family's house for dinner. I was numb. The kids were dumbstruck. Yet, Xh walked in and put on the happy facade and acted like nothing happened at all. For days afterwards. But, tomorrow has nothing to do with that.
It then lead to my M announcing she wasn't really in a mood to have a dinner either. I would normally have offered to host here, but my kitchen is small and the idea of hosting a large event amongst the ongoing construction is really not something I want to do. If it were summer, I would have gladly offered, as we could have eaten on the back deck. But, it is a bit too brisk for that, and I am not sure everyone else would embrace dinner around the fire pit.

We had sort of scrapped the whole event. That is until D came home and announced she was really disappointed. I then thought about it and knew that I had to find some enthusiasm for this holiday. Thanksgiving is a rough one for D. Thanksgiving was always a holiday that D loved. She liked spending time in the kitchen and baking with me. Then Black Friday, she and Xh always went out for the day. They would go after some of the madness died down and have a lunch date and go shopping. D and Xh were so very close. I have to remind myself of that with the current status of their relationship - or non-relationship as it is. Thanksgiving for her, needs to be as "normal" as possible. Not so that she can recreate what was, as she has accepted that, but to make new memories to fill the sadness that was there for so long.
I found myself finding some energy to embrace the impending holiday and called my parents. My M, who claimed she wasn't really wanting anything, is all excited. She and D have been planning the menu and we put her in charge of cooking some items, but we are taking care of the bulk of everything at my house and delivering it. It will be a small gathering and that is okay. I found out my M's resistance was there were several people, like Toxic Aunt that were hoping my M was going to host something and my M really was trying to avoid having so many people around. What she didn't express was that she was desiring to have her grandchildren around and spending time with her immediate family. My sister is feeling guilty, but I assured her she had no idea since my M said nothing.
D has been spending today prepping and is humming away in the kitchen. S was laughing, as I stripped away the fruit bowl and the coffee grinder, etc from the counters. I completely cleared off the counters and table so that she has room to spread out all of her ingredients and put out cooling racks for pies, and whatever else she is planning. I offered to help, but she only wants me to cook the turkey tomorrow. I am not offended in the least. I know she is wanting to attempt this meal on her own and would have done the turkey as well, but she has to make an appearance at her BF's family's house tomorrow before going to my parent's house.
I have been cooking meals more and more the past few days. S, his friend "C" and another friend were here the other night working late and I made a pot pie for them. "C" was bowled over. I laughed because that was a quick version, where I had taken some shortcuts due to timing and used frozen vegetables. S announced that it was really good, but they have no idea how good of a cook I am. I told him I have my moments, but I am not a master chef and I have made my share of mistakes along the way and still do. I have missed cooking.
But, this thing tomorrow - I think it is just because I am really worn out. With good reason. There has been a bit of stress. The gas range had acted up last week and I spent Monday chasing after a model number, because the plate that has that information was missing from the stove. I normally document all of those things on the manual, but for whatever reason, that is the one manual that didn't have it on the blasted thing. It does now. It would turn out that the electric company had been working on the lines and it messed up the digital panel on the gas range just needed a reset. That meant I had to pull the stove away from the wall. It is not a light item and it also lead to a bigger issue. I knew the tile didn't run all the way underneath, but what I didn't realize is the MLCer put a piece of wood down that sat lower. I also figured out why the warming drawer always would slide open and I had to put a wedge underneath. Of course, I am bull headed about these things. I ended up feeling the need to correct this. And, it was an MLC time frame when the range went in so, I should have known.
I should have anticipated that the wood panel was not just one piece of underlayment, but two. Both screwed in and with adhesive on both layers. Laying a single sheet of panel down wasn't going to correct it. In fact, it would have lead to other issues. And I also discovered a hole in the wall that explains why in the winter I have mice in the kitchen from time to time. I could have put out a welcome mat considering the hole in the wall leads to an outside wall. That was not going to fly in my book. So, I repaired the hole and had to cut and pry the small section of flooring up. It took my hours, but it both kids were shocked that the stove now sits level and I addressed some little things that have always bugged all of us.
Problem is that may have been a stupid thing to do on my own. Not sure if it was that great feat

or the puppy getting so excited the one morning that she came running and pounced on my stomach that lead to my current status. It was a couple of days later I noticed I was feeling rather uncomfortable around my mid-region. I hadn't really paid much attention, until I caught my reflection in the full length mirror as I got dressed one morning and say two huge bruises around my ovaries. It looked like I had been beaten. It certainly explained a lot.
After being scolded by a couple of friends, I called my GP who couldn't see me until the 10th. I sort of laughed. They wanted me to call the gynecologist, concerned since I had the hysterectomy and the placement of the bruises. I am not having any other problems, but the doctor gave me a stern talking to. I am to behave myself for a few days and no more being a stubborn and not waiting for help. Heat, ice and rest. UGH.
I know it is what needs to happen.
In the meantime, the washing machine decided to act up as well. I had planned on possibly going on a small vacation. Ha. I have had a couple of ideas in mind, but that is going to have to wait. My washer is not worth repairing at this point. It isn't that old, but the repair costs more than the value of the stupid thing. So, I will be shopping for a new washer instead of any vacation I dreamed of right now.
I found myself a bit aggravated, especially in light of Xh deciding to take S on this whim of a get away next weekend. I am mad at myself for enabling the MLCer's behavior and self sabotaging things to get me where I am at now. It is not an easy pill to swallow, knowing that emergencies happened in the past, but right now, I find myself having to sacrifice some of my own dreams, still to just get back on some sort of normal track. It is a battle to remind myself that I have crawled out a huge pit and I have a lot to be proud of. It is easy to find myself just wondering if I will ever get to a point where I can at least save money to do some of these things I want to do and not what I always have to do.
I don't care about money or having tons of money. I honestly don't miss that part of life in terms of how life was with Xh and needing somehow to keep up with others. It is not that.
Before I met Xh, I was making decent money, but I was really good at managing my finances. While my friends were buying things, I was saving and earmarking my finances. I had things I wanted to do. I would have fun, but I wasn't going out to dinner or dancing every weekend. I did my own manicures, etc. Within five years after college, I had paid off all of my college loans, had put down a huge amount on a new car and paid that off in that time frame. Travelled around Europe for a month. Spent time in the Caribbean. And, I had stowed away money for a house and built amazing credit. I made sacrifices in other areas.
The thing is, I can't even seem to find the footing right now to do that. And, I know that it is in part due to the circumstances that have gone on that no one could have seen coming that threw me off track from that path. I was in good shape prior to my surgery and Covid derailing life even more. The financial strain of getting the kids through college this last stretch on my own is not without stress.
It doesn't change my thoughts on Xh and taking him to court. I want nothing to do with going down that path.
It is funny. The graphic that UrsaMajor posted about balance was actually perfectly timed. Because that visual shows how it is not as simple as somehow finding one object that weighs the same to balance it all out. The many items that affect my life change no only in priority but sometimes move and create sometimes a seemingly off balance scenario. I am never going to find the perfect balance. I think that image solidified that for me. And, it is okay. Balance is maybe not even what I should consider it. Maybe it is more of just trying to find ways to fit in the things I want and need. To make room and prioritize more, and being okay with focusing sometimes on what I need. There are always going to be those days where my own needs are going to be pushed aside because of life's imbalances. It is something I need to really wrap my head around. I think I need to reconsider what balance really means to me. Hmmm.