[MourningDove]

After my last thread, I decided to take a break from the forum and from my computer in general. I checked my emails and answered a few messages on Facebook, but for the most part the past few days, I have had to actually search for my laptop. I normally have it in my work bag or in the library, but I haven't been as regimented about that either. And I must admit, at first it was not easy to break free. I am so used to checking emails for work and the like. I just felt this odd need to take a break.

I was actually surprised by what I came to realize for myself. I know how important the forum was for me for so long. It was my life line when I felt like no one understood what I was dealing with. I made friends and had people who have become way more than just a name on a screen. Those people that came into my life in a different way - RL friends and confidants that I am so grateful for. For someone who was never comfortable with the idea of an online group of any kind knowing facets to find safety and people who would have my back was shocking.

And for me the journaling had become less and less about the MLCer. I have no illusions of a reconciliation, nor do I desire one with my Xh. I haven't for a long time. It changed. Standing was not a waste of time for me. It gave me something to hold on to for awhile. A dream, perhaps in my case. It was time that I used to get my $h!te together. To focus on my kids. To take that advice about GAL and sometimes some very needed truth darts or 2x4's. There were times when the advice didn't apply. But, even then, it helped me understand myself and what I needed most.

I began to wonder these past few days what was the reason I was still posting at all. For me, it has been a way to shake out things in my head or to document the bumps and sometimes amusing things along the way. The life of a now divorced woman with 2 young adult kids who have a phantom F who appears from time to time in one form or another. My journaling became a way for me to sometimes release feelings that I needed to let go of or try to make sense of and I didn't always have someone to share them with who would understand.

Yet, in the past few days, I have also discovered that I am finding myself feeling very odd. The distance from journaling woke up part of me that is feeling very different. I wondered if sometimes I was beginning to fill a void. I so crave wanting to share my day to day thoughts with someone and not necessarily laying it all out there for the world. I am not always so willing to share as much as I do online with people. I find myself now in this strange place.

I realized that the journaling has been important for me. But, I thought about maybe I need to find some balance - that word that seems to just keep appearing in my life. I may have to get it tattooed on my body somewhere, because it is always what I seem to be seeking. But this is a different type of balance I need. I am not sure it is a complete distancing from sharing - because I have some big events where the MLCer may make an appearance and I am not sure how I am going to cope. Just next week he is supposedly taking S on an impromptu trip - we will see. But, S is graduating in a couple of weeks. The ceremony won't occur until May and D is graduating as well. I know there is a possibility that Xh will somehow shake things up. Especially since his parents didn't go to any of his graduation ceremonies. My family attended his 4 year college graduation. Not of his family members showed up. So, I am prepared for something to stir in Xh. S will roll with it, but D - that is a whole other dynamic. So, I realize there may be times where I may still find myself really needing somewhere to let go of these MLC BS moments.

As for the other journaling - IDK. I am not going to make some grand declaration that I am done. I know that doesn't often pan out. But, I told a friend of mine that this "vacation" has made me realize some important things. One - that I need to journal still, but maybe it needs a different form. Maybe it needs to migrate back in some ways to my artwork, like it once did before MLC arrived on my doorstep. Two - that I need to fill those moments other ways. Three - I so crave to share my life with someone.

It is the third one that is impacting me the most the past few days. I don't think people understand me at all. I am a person that likes commitment, yet, I can accept challenges in ways others can't. I spent months away from Xh when we were dating. In spite of having a jealous moment some time back, it is not how I typically operate. I trust people I let into my world.

I have had the opportunity to find myself falling in love with someone. It was not what I planned - at all. The time spent together was always easy in terms of there is a strange comfort. But, what has struck me hard the past few days is it often little things that stay with me. Someone being far away and just letting you know they arrived somewhere safely means so much. It is those moments I honestly miss. I miss being able to just tell someone the stupid things I have done this week.

I am not really sure where this journaling goes. We will see.

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11813.150

[Thunder]

I'm following along... as always, Mourning.   

Welcome to your new thread.

[Curiosity]

Following along, Mourning. I think that of all the things that come out of this process, the ability to really search inside our own souls, to figure out what is truly important to us, is perhaps the most valuable. For me, journaling has been a big part of that (partly the journaling I have done here, but often the things I write privately).

Thank you for sharing your thoughts here. I don’t often comment, but I always read along. I hope your continued search for balance bears fruit - or should I say, I hope it continues to bear fruit, because you are already well on your way.

[stillbaffled]

I don't often comment, MD, but I do follow your journey. 

[UrsaMajor]

So easy to say, so hard to find.....

Following along....

[MadLuv]

Mourning-

I often wonder how quick the table would turn if the right person walked into our lives. How much of the healing is a struggle on missing that “person” in our lives. We have so much healing to do before that can happen however, right? Being able to focus on us and let the moments happen is I think such an important place to be. What’s the old phrase…when you least expect it??

[Reinventing]

MD, good to hear from you. I think that the tentacles of MLC on our lives are long and entangled, and especially for those with children. We are here for whatever communication you choose.

[Treasur]

But, what has struck me hard the past few days is it often little things that stay with me. Someone being far away and just letting you know they arrived somewhere safely means so much. It is those moments I honestly miss. I miss being able to just tell someone the stupid things I have done this week.

Your musings made a lot of sense to me, MD. Tbh I think our relationship with the HS ‘family’ evolves as we evolve. Which seems healthy to me. There was definitely a time when HS was a port in an insane storm for me. And then a time when, bc I felt so incredibly alone in the absence of my family as well as my then h, I think I just needed somewhere to share those small things, a feeling perhaps that it mattered to someone if I had a great walk or a lousy moment that I had survived.

Like you, I remember the loss of those small things as being crushing; they left me feeling rather unmoored, I think. I still miss some of them bc some are not replaceable but as I came out of my metaphorical cave I started to make connections in RL that allow me to share and receive some of those things again. It’s not the same....but it is not nothing. For me actually my capacity to be engaged in other people’s small things, to care if someone’s dog was sick or if they had got a new job they wanted, was a marker of my recovery. But it was soul crushingly lonely a feeling to have no one who needed to know I was safe home after a trip.....I remember that. I think, looking back, caring about what happened to specific individuals here, both empathy for their sorrows and delight in their successes, kept me ‘doing human’ for a while when I couldn’t in RL  I am very grateful for that connection here that sustained me through months and years of being rather adrift. 

[MourningDove]

Thank you, everyone. 

I could honestly completely skip Thanksgiving tomorrow and be rather content. I have always enjoyed holidays, but this year I am really in a "meh" mood about the whole event. My sister is out of town with her family this year, as they have gone to her in law's house. Normally, the in laws travel here, but her FIL has some physical limitations at the moment due to a necessary surgery he keeps putting off.

I have worked through my issues with the day, after Xh chose one Thanksgiving before moving out to sit both kids down and attempted to say him moving out was what we both wanted. Ummmm, at that time - no. I made that clear without trying to blame. I simply said we saw things differently and Xh felt it was best he moved out. Either way, that was literally right before leaving for my family's house for dinner. I was numb. The kids were dumbstruck. Yet, Xh walked in and put on the happy facade and acted like nothing happened at all. For days afterwards. But, tomorrow has nothing to do with that.

It then lead to my M announcing she wasn't really in a mood to have a dinner either. I would normally have offered to host here, but my kitchen is small and the idea of hosting a large event amongst the ongoing construction is really not something I want to do. If it were summer, I would have gladly offered, as we could have eaten on the back deck. But, it is a bit too brisk for that, and I am not sure everyone else would embrace dinner around the fire pit. 

We had sort of scrapped the whole event. That is until D came home and announced she was really disappointed. I then thought about it and knew that I had to find some enthusiasm for this holiday. Thanksgiving is a rough one for D. Thanksgiving was always a holiday that D loved. She liked spending time in the kitchen and baking with me. Then Black Friday, she and Xh always went out for the day. They would go after some of the madness died down and have a lunch date and go shopping. D and Xh were so very close. I have to remind myself of that with the current status of their relationship - or non-relationship as it is. Thanksgiving for her, needs to be as "normal" as possible. Not so that she can recreate what was, as she has accepted that, but to make new memories to fill the sadness that was there for so long.

I found myself finding some energy to embrace the impending holiday and called my parents. My M, who claimed she wasn't really wanting anything, is all excited. She and D have been planning the menu and we put her in charge of cooking some items, but we are taking care of the bulk of everything at my house and delivering it. It will be a small gathering and that is okay. I found out my M's resistance was there were several people, like Toxic Aunt that were hoping my M was going to host something and my M really was trying to avoid having so many people around. What she didn't express was that she was desiring to have her grandchildren around and spending time with her immediate family. My sister is feeling guilty, but I assured her she had no idea since my M said nothing.

D has been spending today prepping and is humming away in the kitchen.  S was laughing, as I stripped away the fruit bowl and the coffee grinder, etc from the counters. I completely cleared off the counters and table so that she has room to spread out all of her ingredients and put out cooling racks for pies, and whatever else she is planning. I offered to help, but she only wants me to cook the turkey tomorrow. I am not offended in the least. I know she is wanting to attempt this meal on her own and would have done the turkey as well, but she has to make an appearance at her BF's family's house tomorrow before going to my parent's house.

I have been cooking meals more and more the past few days. S, his friend "C" and another friend were here the other night working late and I made a pot pie for them. "C" was bowled over. I laughed because that was a quick version, where I had taken some shortcuts due to timing and used frozen vegetables. S announced that it was really good, but they have no idea how good of a cook I am. I told him I have my moments, but I am not a master chef and I have made my share of mistakes along the way and still do. I have missed cooking.

But, this thing tomorrow - I think it is just because I am really worn out. With good reason. There has been a bit of stress. The gas range had acted up last week and I spent Monday chasing after a model number, because the plate that has that information was missing from the stove. I normally document all of those things on the manual, but for whatever reason, that is the one manual that didn't have it on the blasted thing. It does now. It would turn out that the electric company had been working on the lines and it messed up the digital panel on the gas range just needed a reset. That meant I had to pull the stove away from the wall. It is not a light item and it also lead to a bigger issue. I knew the tile didn't run all the way underneath, but what I didn't realize is the MLCer put a piece of wood down that sat lower. I also figured out why the warming drawer always would slide open and I had to put a wedge underneath. Of course, I am bull headed about these things. I ended up feeling the need to correct this. And, it was an MLC time frame when the range went in so, I should have known.

I should have anticipated that the wood panel was not just one piece of underlayment, but two. Both screwed in and with adhesive on both layers. Laying a single sheet of panel down wasn't going to correct it. In fact, it would have lead to other issues. And I also discovered a hole in the wall that explains why in the winter I have mice in the kitchen from time to time. I could have put out a welcome mat considering the hole in the wall leads to an outside wall. That was not going to fly in my book. So, I repaired the hole and had to cut and pry the small section of flooring up. It took my hours, but it both kids were shocked that the stove now sits level and I addressed some little things that have always bugged all of us.

Problem is that may have been a stupid thing to do on my own. Not sure if it was that great feat  or the puppy getting so excited the one morning that she came running and pounced on my stomach that lead to my current status. It was a couple of days later I noticed I was feeling rather uncomfortable around my mid-region. I hadn't really paid much attention, until I caught my reflection in the full length mirror as I got dressed one morning and say two huge bruises around my ovaries. It looked like I had been beaten. It certainly explained a lot.

After being scolded by a couple of friends, I called my GP who couldn't see me until the 10th. I sort of laughed. They wanted me to call the gynecologist, concerned since I had the hysterectomy and the placement of the bruises. I am not having any other problems, but the doctor gave me a stern talking to. I am to behave myself for a few days and no more being a stubborn and not waiting for help. Heat, ice and rest. UGH.

I know it is what needs to happen.

In the meantime, the washing machine decided to act up as well. I had planned on possibly going on a small vacation. Ha. I have had a couple of ideas in mind, but that is going to have to wait. My washer is not worth repairing at this point. It isn't that old, but the repair costs more than the value of the stupid thing. So, I will be shopping for a new washer instead of any vacation I dreamed of right now.

I found myself a bit aggravated, especially in light of Xh deciding to take S on this whim of a get away next weekend. I am mad at myself for enabling the MLCer's behavior and self sabotaging things to get me where I am at now. It is not an easy pill to swallow, knowing that emergencies happened in the past, but right now, I find myself having to sacrifice some of my own dreams, still to just get back on some sort of normal track. It is a battle to remind myself that I have crawled out a huge pit and I have a lot to be proud of. It is easy to find myself just wondering if I will ever get to a point where I can at least save money to do some of these things I want to do and not what I always have to do.

I don't care about money or having tons of money. I honestly don't miss that part of life in terms of how life was with Xh and needing somehow to keep up with others. It is not that.

Before I met Xh, I was making decent money, but I was really good at managing my finances. While my friends were buying things, I was saving and earmarking my finances. I had things I wanted to do. I would have fun, but I wasn't going out to dinner or dancing every weekend. I did my own manicures, etc. Within five years after college, I had paid off all of my college loans, had put down a huge amount on a new car and paid that off in that time frame. Travelled around Europe for a month. Spent time in the Caribbean. And, I had stowed away money for a house and built amazing credit. I made sacrifices in other areas.

The thing is, I can't even seem to find the footing right now to do that. And, I know that it is in part due to the circumstances that have gone on that no one could have seen coming that threw me off track from that path. I was in good shape prior to my surgery and Covid derailing life even more. The financial strain of getting the kids through college this last stretch on my own is not without stress.

It doesn't change my thoughts on Xh and taking him to court. I want nothing to do with going down that path.

It is funny. The graphic that UrsaMajor posted about balance was actually perfectly timed. Because that visual shows how it is not as simple as somehow finding one object that weighs the same to balance it all out. The many items that affect my life change no only in priority but sometimes move and create sometimes a seemingly off balance scenario. I am never going to find the perfect balance. I think that image solidified that for me. And, it is okay. Balance is maybe not even what I should consider it. Maybe it is more of just trying to find ways to fit in the things I want and need. To make room and prioritize more, and being okay with focusing sometimes on what I need. There are always going to be those days where my own needs are going to be pushed aside because of life's imbalances. It is something I need to really wrap my head around. I think I need to reconsider what balance really means to me. Hmmm.

[UrsaMajor]

Problem is that may have been a stupid thing to do on my own. Not sure if it was that great feat  or the puppy getting so excited the one morning that she came running and pounced on my stomach that lead to my current status. It was a couple of days later I noticed I was feeling rather uncomfortable around my mid-region. I hadn't really paid much attention, until I caught my reflection in the full length mirror as I got dressed one morning and say two huge bruises around my ovaries. It looked like I had been beaten. It certainly explained a lot.

After being scolded by a couple of friends, I called my GP who couldn't see me until the 10th. I sort of laughed. They wanted me to call the gynecologist, concerned since I had the hysterectomy and the placement of the bruises. I am not having any other problems, but the doctor gave me a stern talking to. I am to behave myself for a few days and no more being a stubborn and not waiting for help. Heat, ice and rest. UGH.

20 lashes with a wet noodle for you!



I don't think moving excessively heavy objects alone was what was meant by finding a good "balance."