[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor - Yes, snow is much easier to deal with than the mud. It's bad enough when they get it on their paws, but I know this morning this puppy was rolling in the snow and all I could think about was thank goodness it isn't mud. Of course, that will be later in the week, as the weather is warming back up yet again.

Last night, S left quite late to return to school. He tries to go back earlier on Mondays to settle in and get ready for the week, but he had an issue to deal with at the bank with the loan that he took ownership of recently and had me removed as a cosigner. He had received a paper from the bank that stated he needed a new title for the car, yet he had been told at the bank it wasn't an issue because it was an internal loan transfer. The letter, it turned out was computer generated and he was able to resolve it, but it meant running around and digging out the title just in case, etc. He then had homework that was due online by 5, so he remained home to submit that before driving the 3 hours to his college. I hate when he leaves in the dark this time of year, as the deer are very active at night.

I was alone for dinner and D called me from college. She was supposed to have an exam. She didn't tell me that her professor saw that she was under the weather and sent her home. She went to her BF's parent's house and went straight to bed. She has been staying there still since her BF and his B are both gone, so she has a whole floor to herself, with her own bathroom. LOL. I can't say as I blame her. She asked if I could pick up some medicine for her. It was nearly 8 pm and I said I would go run to the pharmacy so she had it for the morning. It was not something I wanted to do, as I was working on the bathroom and was almost done putting up new insulation on the one outside wall. The trip to the pharmacy was not something I was looking forward to, if for no other reason than it was dark out and it meant I had to put on my winter coat and the like to go out. I was happy in my nice warm house and all cozy. LOL

This morning, D came in the door and she was fine at first. Then she expressed her aggravation with a decision I had made about S's GF's rabbit. I had said it could come inside for a bit and dwell in the basement. S needs to work on the tractor and it is a job that requires ventilation with the different solvents. The rabbit's cage is not insulated and with the doors open to the outside and fans blowing when the solvents are used, it would freeze the rabbit. The rabbit is litter trained and not really a huge problem, as far as I am concerned. At least not in the short term and S's GF comes over every day from work to feed it and clean the cage. But, at one point I had told D that the rabbit was not going to be in the house. I wasn't lying when I first said that, but that was before the tractor needed repairs, etc. But, D was livid this morning and saying she couldn't trust me.

My question to her was when is something a lie and when is it perhaps circumstances change and sometimes we have to make different decisions? I found myself so upset. I realized in all of this D is reeling from the holiday and then Xh taking S on a trip this weekend. I am the whipping post.

It was not a pleasant morning. I found myself telling D that like it or not, she and S are essentially guests - yes they are family, but not to forget who pays the bills and owns said house. Their voice and opinions can be expressed and there are some voting privileges, but my vote has more pull. D wasn't too happy with that answer. She blurted out that she can't trust me and she has no support. I lost it. Gotta admit. I asked her if I didn't support her, then who was out late last night because she needed her medicine in the morning?

I am hurt and I am angry at the moment. I know some of this is stress D is feeling. Some of the things she ranted on about are not inaccuracies. Because like so often these moments that bubble up that the rabbit was really not the issue and there was a whole list of grievances.

D and I will work through this, but when she went stomping out the door, I could feel myself just bubbling over. I have guilt as it is about things not being how I ever envisioned my life with my kids. The stresses of this year have not been easy, but I have learned to roll with so much more since MLC hit. I always was able to monitor and adjust, but MLC made me learn that life can really shake things up no matter how well you plan. With the pandemic and the delays, I have learned to be much more patient again. I can't control when things are back in stock or going to arrive, so I make the best of it or laugh about it. But, it is not easy and when these moments hit with D having a need to release her grievances and emotions, I feel this weight of not being enough. I can't be both parents, but I have to be sometimes. I know I am not capable of being some superhero.

At the end of the day, I know D realizes how much I do without complaint most times.

It is hard not to have resentment for the MLCer in these moments. I know he may be struggling and the like, but the choices he made put way more pressure on me. Yes, I too could make the same choices and run away. I let him have access to the kids, so it isn't like I am keeping him from them or making it impossible. He just walked away from it all and I am too responsible to walk away in the first place, but part of me would like to sometimes not be a parent.

Bitterness and resentment won't serve me well, so I will work through it. For now, I am going to just enjoy the quiet of the day and try to finish some part of this ongoing renovation. Tomorrow, I am supposed to walk with my sister, as the weather is going to be warmer. I am going to try my damndest to stick to my plan. I so need the time to get out and walk off some of this negative energy building. UGH.

[UrsaMajor]

MD,

Consider this as a 2x4 in absentia for D -

Being an adult means learning that we do not always come first, that we do not always get our way, that we have to be able to have some flexibility as circumstances around us change. Welcome to real life. Being an adult means that we have to be able to cope with our stresses and deal with them appropriately rather than taking them out on all and sundry and whoever happens to be a convenient target in the vicinity. Being a HEALTHY adult means that we  deal with issues AS THEY ARISE and not in some sort of verbal diarrhea attack that tosses everything out, including the kitchen sink, just for the sake of scoring a point or two.

You have every right to be hurt and angry - let those who complain do it themselves next time if they can do it all better... You had to make a short-term adjustment because of the circumstances (wrt the rabbit) but, as you noted, that was just an excuse rather than the real reason behind the melt-down.... And, guess what, growing up doesn't mean that one has less stress.... (as if you didn't already know this) so one has to learn to deal with it appropriately...

Of course, one could always just save it all up and then have an MLC later in life instead 

[Treasur]

I agree on this with UM. Tbh I suspect it is part of the transition from parenting teenagers to young adults, and requires adjustment all round. Less protective excuses by the parent, less self-centredness by the young adult. What your D said was hurtful, particularly so given your MLC past probably, and you’re entitled to feel hurt and angry about it for a bit. And to say so. And your D needs to learn that, regardless of how one feels, being an adult means using your words with more care if you do not want to damage relationships. Lessons all round lol. There’s a lot of love in your family, MD, so I suspect it’s a lesson blip for both of you not more than that 

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor & Treasur - Thank you both.

It is not easy trying to navigate these moments. It is hard to know at times what stirs these emotions and outbursts. "Growing pains". Mother/daughter dynamics. Exhaustion from the end of the semester. Triggers from the MLC. It is often a combination of all of the above. This particular event has stirred up a lot of dust and D and I are still working through it and I am just worn out from it all.

D and I had a rough day yesterday, as we were both feeling very raw. It lead to a discussion in the evening and this morning things were better. I told D that she needs to learn to ask for help, and I completely understand how hard that is, since I too have a very difficult time doing that. It is something we both need to work on.

She left for her classes this morning and has a meeting with one of her professors. She has been blessed with her own "Three Drawers" type of professor this year, who had D as a student last year. This professor has a weekly time set aside on their schedule for "D" time, because they recognize D is a student who wants to ask questions beyond the class content. She has such a thirst for knowledge. But, this professor also recognized that D is similar to how this professor was and has been helping D learn how to dial down the immense pressure she puts on herself. They have been working on a system, a grid that this professor uses themselves to organize priorities and to understand that a person cannot operate at that level D strives for all the time. And, I tried to explain to D, I understand this better than she could possibly know - I was that student growing up and I have learned to adapt. It does creep in still and I know that this is why I struggle with that whole "balance" I constantly seek.

When D left for school, I thought about how I will never fully understand how Xh could just walk away from the kids. Walking away from the marriage, I can at least somehow wrap my head around. But, the kids? I don't think I will ever be able to fully accept the explanations of he is in crisis. It is the same feeling I have about people who keep a good parent away from the kids because the kids are used like a game piece. I have an abundance of compassion for a lot of things, but I know I am not capable of excusing any parent who abandons or uses their kids because it suits them. Those are choices they make in crisis or because it allows them to manipulate and use. I have no patience for manipulation and games when it comes to people's emotions.

I did take the time to meet my sister to walk. We had both committed to walking, even if the weather wasn't perfect, but the sun came out and the snow had all but melted by midmorning. It has been weeks since we have walked. We grabbed lunch and a coffee to go and managed to get 6 miles in. We both admitted we needed the exercise - mentally and physically. My sister's life has been so incredibly hectic as of late with the different sports schedules and events and my BIL has been traveling for work more than usual, so she is feeling the pressure of being the sole parent on call. She said she doesn't really know how I have managed on my own, since her H is there most of the time and is a phone call away.

Fortunately, like so many of our walks, we found things to laugh at and to let go of the stress.

This morning, after D left I decided to start a fire in the fire pit and to take time to relax by the fire with a cup of coffee. I had been up since 6 am, and could have accomplished a great deal, but this morning, I realized that like D, I sometimes need to be okay with taking time to just recalibrate. The couple of hours by the fire allowed me to relax and refocus - so much so that I double checked my math for the tile in the shower and laughed at myself. Yah, clearly I was not firing on all cylinders after that whole D meltdown. I thought the number seemed rather high. I forgot to eliminate the tub area and the window that don't need tiling. It made a rather significant difference.  The argument for allowing yourself to take time to relax. LOL

[UrsaMajor]

OOooommmmmmmmmm

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor - LOL. Exactly. 

I made two people cry today. 

The first event was at the gallery when I received a call from someone requesting a specific gift they wanted to purchase. I realized who the caller was and mentioned that her M had painted a beautiful painting not long ago and it to me has an energy that is very difficult to explain. The woman who painted it had lost her H nearly 3 years ago and has struggled through the grieving. It had been a huge shock and for the longest time it showed in her paintings - the sadness. But, this particular painting, I had watched her work on it for weeks, yet hadn't seen the finished product until several weeks ago. It is an amazingly beautiful piece and it is interesting how from then on, all of her work just seems to have a new life to it. I sent the image of the painting to this young woman and she mentioned how much it meant to her, and her M has mentioned me to her. I relayed that her M and I have shed many tears over the years and we have helped nudge each other along some rough patches.

I hadn't meant for the conversation to be packed with emotions. But, in the moment I felt the need to share this with the D. And, maybe it is because I know her D has been worried about her M. She lives far away from her M and her F and M were so incredibly close. Her M has been very "alone" and just existing up until recently.

The day went on and I came home to take care of the puppy and D had asked if I could drop her off at her BF's house. She didn't want to leave her car at his house because his B would be there this weekend and that means the car situation becomes a bit tricky. D had a huge project to finish up and opted out of the birthday dinner celebration with her BF's family and going with me to the local festival.

S was still driving when I spoke to him. Big surprise - S drove the entire distance while Xh slept most of the 12 hour drive.

Normally, we go as a family to a local festival every year for a tree lighting event. We have gone nearly every year since the kids were in grade school. There were some years that were really tough for the kids and I because of the MLCer and life being such a mess, but the kids would always beg to go. The only year in recent history when we haven't gone was when Covid brought everything to a grinding halt.

I came home from work and thought I would just forget going to the event. S is out of town and D is bogged down with homework, and I was feeling very tired. Yet, I realized part of my problem was that I was trying to find reasons not to go. I decided to force myself to go by myself and try to embrace the evening. I was ready to grab my good camera, but then had forgotten to charge the battery earlier and my phone doesn't hold a charge in cold weather. My thoughts of just going to shoot photos was out the door, so again, I nearly talked myself out of it. D's BF's family lives in this village, so I had to take D anyways and the festival was only a few blocks away. By the time I reached the outskirts of the village, I decided I had to do this for myself. I needed to tackle it on my own.

I parked in my, well what would be our usual spot and embraced the mild weather. The whole street was lit up with lights and various decorations. The local high school chorus was having their annual caroling event. I could hear the bells on the horse drawn carriage. It would have been perfect, had it been snowing lightly. As I walked past the small park, I could see Santa talking to a little girl, who had been waiting in line to see him. The festival is really one of my favorite events for this time of year. It is so incredibly simple. The Main Street is closed off for the night, and the local businesses supply free coffee and cocoa, and food. Local vendors sell things for the holidays. The small farm that produces maple syrup was there, as was the farmer who raises Alpaca and creates beautiful sweaters and scarves from the yarn from the Alpaca wool.

I picked up my coffee and walked throughout the shops. The bookstore and gift shops along the street. I kept seeing a little girl wearing a crown made from balloons and I told her how spectacular it was. She giggled and twirled around so I could see the whole creation. It was shortly after that when I came upon one of S's friend's mom. She waved and thanked me for putting up with him so often. I told her he has been a wonderful friend to S and he has been a huge help over the years to the kids and I. I know that the relationship between he and his F is strained right now and when she brought it up, I smiled and told her what I honestly believe. I said her S is getting older and it is time for him to move out and once he does, I believe in my heart of hearts that he and his F just need that space from each other. I see the S trying to grow up and the F is still treating him like a kid. She laughed and said that is it in a nutshell. I believe that once they live apart it will be easier for both of them. She used to work with my M and I told her that I have a similar dynamic with my M and it would be impossible for the two of us to live together, but I appreciate my M and love her to pieces. She started crying and thanked me. She said she needed to hear that because right now they are often at odds. I told her I didn't mean to make her cry and she assured me they were tears of joy.

When I started to walk away, I decided to walk towards the park in the center of the village. It was decorated with twinkle lights and people had started to pack up for the night. It had been a nice evening, but I suddenly felt this emptiness. I wasn't missing the kids as such. What I was honestly missing was sharing it with someone. Not the shopping or seeing people. The quiet moment in the park, where even though the snow had melted, the air was still cold enough to freeze the mist from the stream. The mist had coated the ornamental grasses and the soft tufts were glistening in the light. No words would have had to been spoken. It was just a moment that was so incredibly beautiful and meant to be shared. As I stared at the village ahead, I heard the horse drawn carriage coming around the corner. I hadn't seen the horses earlier. They were black Percherons this year. I considered going for a carriage ride, but I could feel my mood changing to melancholy. I didn't want to go alone on this ride, as I had on the hayride during the Halloween party. Yes, there were other people there, as there would be with this one, but it is amazing how you can be surrounded by other people and still feel this strange loneliness.

I am glad I went and I did embrace the beautiful evening, by taking a ride around the village before heading home. It is amazing that this year people seem to be really embracing putting up lights for the holidays.

I have decided over the next few weeks, I am going to push myself to go places, even if it means going alone. I can deal with solitude, but I so want to somehow embrace the holiday season again. It doesn't have to be the way it used to be, and I know it has changed from what had been years ago. But somehow I need to find some new things to embrace - simple moments. It may mean doing it on my own and I have to be okay with that for now. And, I am not about to just ask anyone to go along, to simply fill some empty seat in the car - it would have to be someone who can embrace simple moments. I know plenty of people to fill hours of the day, but it is not what I am really desiring.

[MourningDove]

I woke up to a very quiet house this morning. Even the puppy seemed to want to stay snuggled up, but that didn't last when she saw I was getting up to make coffee. I took her outside as I waited for my French press work it's magic and thought about what I was going to try and accomplish today.

It was quiet for about an hour before my phone rang. My M had called to ask what I had on the schedule. I had some ideas, but my M mentioned she had her annual Christmas party to go to. My M is not a social butterfly, but this is the one event she never misses.

When my sister and I were growing up, my M was essentially a stay at home M. She chipped away at a college degree and had worked in an office before I was born. By the time I was in high school, my M took a job, one day a week working for a specialist in a satellite office. She loved the job and when they initially asked her to take on more hours in the city, she jumped at the chance. My F was more than happy to support her choice as were my sister and I. We all pitched in and made dinners, etc. She worked there for several years and then decided to walk away from it after they closed the satellite completely and her commute was always into the city. That was easily 25 years ago.

Every year, that office had a holiday party. When my M left, they always invited her. My M was dearly loved in that office by the staff, the dentist and the patients. They have continued these get togethers every year, even after so many of them have retired. It is something my M looks forward to every year.

The funny thing is, my F, he is happy she has these times for herself and can find plenty to keep himself busy. Whether it is working in the studio. Or reading a book. Or whatever strikes his fancy. But, my M knew I was by myself and he was by himself, so she thought maybe we could go and pick up the sheet of insulation I still needed for the bathroom along with the lumber I wanted to pick out. I could have easily just borrowed my F's truck, but I sort of giggled to myself. I knew my F would be perfectly happy to tag along and "help" me. So, at 9:30 am he picked me up and off we went to check that off of our list. Thing is, my F and I don't often get a day where we don't have things going on or tasks that need addressed. Or people at home that might have ideas of how the day should go -  So, we meandered. Oh, sure I could have accomplished so much more had I just gone to the home improvement store on my own, but we had such a nice time together.

We stopped at an antique store on the way and then tackled the task at hand. It was nearly 11 am, and I knew both of us had been up quite early. I had eaten a banana for breakfast and my F had eaten at 6 am. I suggested we go pick up brunch and we decided on going to a little diner in the city. My F reminisced and asked if I remember him bringing me there when I was a kid. We talked about how the decor has changed so much and I was smiling as my F recounted how my sister and I always wanted to sit at the counter on the bar stools, thinking that was just such a treat. And, how he and I would go faithfully every year out shopping together. My sister never wanted to go along, nor did my M. She was always busy preparing for the festivities and was happy to let the two of us go out. I can remember so many times going into the stores with my F, who loves giving gifts. The music being played in the village would crackle over the speakers in the cold air and we would stop at the local diner and get hot chocolate ands something to eat. I loved those days.

We decided to go across the street and look in one of the shops. I hadn't realized my department coordinator had a stand set up in the shop for the weekend. She gave me a huge hug and told me she has me on the list for classes and will let me know what the numbers look like. I have my fingers crossed.

I saw my F had spotted a necklace. It was lovely and he had a grin on his face as he decided it was something my M should have. On the way home, he told me that he was going to give it to her today. I started laughing and said Christmas wasn't that far away. He explained he knew that, but for their anniversary my M had told him not to make a fuss and he had only gotten her roses, which she loves. He was almost giddy, having made the decision to give this necklace to her now.

I came home and decided not to try and make up for the time I "lost" being out and just embraced the pace the day had taken on.

I think that sometimes it is not time alone I need for balance in my life. What I sometimes need is this type of time with the people I care about or just a day that meanders along where I can embrace memories or happy moments. Simple things.

[UrsaMajor]

Having a day that is not "planned" from sun-up to sundown can be VERY beneficial for our mental health...

Even a few hours like that can be helpful... I had a bit of that yesterday after church where I got a few things done that I  have been needing to get done for a while... Nothing really SUPER important but things that were just hanging out there for a while...

Being able to do that with someone that you love is just another mark on the "win" side in my book...

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor - I am glad I took my time, because this morning I felt like I was navigating a field full of landmines. All I wanted to do today was try to make progress on the bathroom and finish up at least the construction part of the linen closet. Painting and finish work on anything is down the list.

I came downstairs around 6:15 am and put my coffee on. While I waited for the coffee to brew, I took the puppy out and played as the sun came up. I came in, hoping for a quiet start to my Monday and started coming up with a priority list and counts for what pieces of lumber needed cut, etc. And then it started - the mayhem. The phone rang and it was my M. She wanted to know if I had heard from S. I had.

S was on his way home last night. He had convinced Xh that it made sense to break up the trip back, when I pointed out that S would be in the car, without stops today for about 16 hours with his travel back to college. Of course when it was originally presented to him, S was told that Xh would do part of the driving. That didn't happen.  Why do I think that S is feeling the same jaded thing I am - which is Xh only invited S because he needed someone to drive while he worked on his computer and he needed someone to watch his crazy dog, since the kennel refuses to watch the dog. S's GF was with the dog for the time they were gone and today told me that the dog was a handful all weekend. So, according to S, he drove to Xh's, an hour south from our house and since logic doesn't exist in Xh's world, that also meant that because they were traveling north, our house is closer to their final destination. I told S that I would have dropped S off in the city nearby to meet Xh or to pick him up, had I known. But, either way, S was clearly frustrated last night.

No sooner had I talked to my M, did the phone just blow up. The dental office that we are transferring to and then another call from someone I have been waiting on. And, it is all well and good, but it started to feel like my day was quickly getting hijacked with crazy time-sucking calls and my plans completely derailed.

I was trying to explain to my sister that I don't mind projects, and I do enjoy them, but I so desperately want to get back to where these things are choices and not all necessary - that is residue from the disaster that my year started out on. I long for the project where it doesn't affect everyone in the house. The bathroom is something where I can see the finish line, but someone keeps moving the line further out.

I could feel my stress level rising when my sister called me back. She told me about her neighbor's D whose soon to be Xh has apparently hitched a ride on the MLC bus. My sister had spoken to the neighbor this morning and the M wanted to know if I would talk to her D, since I would understand. I could feel myself feeling bad on one hand, but then I could feel my body tense up. I told my sister that if she wants some resources, I would share them, but I can't do it - that is help this person. I don't have it in me. My sister understood, after I explained to her that I am just worn out and I don't have it in me to talk about my MLCer and my divorce at this point. I want to move away from it and right now, I am so consumed with trying to get my own life back on track.

It sounds so selfish, but I'm stretched at the moment.

D leaves for her college soon - so maybe, just maybe I can some time where I can just focus on my own needs for the day. 

[UrsaMajor]

Geee..... So S was the Chauffeur for the GWPWELFV again... Imagine my surprise...

That was to be expected .... and, of course, the dog too....
"Insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly but expecting a different result...." and with xH it is just wash, rinse, repeat, ad nauseum...

I have had similar instances where someone has asked for help while their partner/spouse was off to the MLC races and I honestly refer them here. I just can't personally shoulder the burden of someone but I am willing to provide support as part of a group/team.... Lead them to the resources and then they need to take action to use them or not...

And with the bathroom renovations - moving goal posts are no fun at all. At the same time, I can't help but recall what kicked the whole project off in the first place.... R has a friend that has decided to do similar renovations but on a free-will basis AND while there are 4 people living in the house... They have no shower and haven't had for several weeks but that is a free-will choice, not the result of 3 1/2" drywall screws through heating lines... WHY one would actually CHOOSE to do renovations like this, I have no idea... Friend and Friend's husband have been able to use the showers where they work but their 2 boys are having to go to the local swimming pool to shower when they have swimming training...