HeavenlyFocus - Your concern is valid and I needed the gentle reminder. I know that the general rule of thumb for healing is 8-10 weeks, but this doctor had told me that any major surgery along these lines should really come with a warning that it takes your body nearly a year to be able to get back to full healing. He had reminded me the last time I saw him. And, I have tried to be mindful of that, except I realize part of my problem is not even stubbornness to ask for help, but truly a zone I get in - that is, I am so used to having to do things for myself the past few years, that I don't always think. I need to slow down and stop. I have no desire to be a superhero, nor is the idea of having some other surgery - especially because of my stupidity at all appealing.
UrsMajor - Hmmm- the wedge of pie from the middle. I mean, there is a certain logic to it, I suppose - if one doesn't like the ratio of crust to filling.
Had I wanted to mess with FIL, that would have pushed him over the edge. Before MLC, Xh would have seen the humor in that.
I spent a good portion of today working at the gallery. It had been a good day, with several interesting visitors with one being an artist who came to paint in the gallery. Sometimes, artists will stop by and use the space to work and it allows customers to see a work in progress. This artist is an older woman in her eighties and I absolutely love spending time with her. She is a spitfire - a kindred spirit and today we were alone for a very long time. It allowed us to talk about things that we have never really touched on.
We began discussing our different heritages and it is clear we both enjoy learning about different cultures and about history. We had a delightful couple of hours where she painted and I was keeping busy moving some things about the gallery, as some pieces had sold from the current exhibit and I needed to fill the empty spaces with pieces that made sense with the current theme. It is not an easy task, if done properly. I put a great deal of thought into what went on those walls just as my coworker who worked with me has. We have both been so mindful of respecting the job we initially did and are trying to maintain that tone that was set. It was the type of task that didn't require a lot of concentration, so having a conversation was a nice addition to the day. She is one of those people that truly inspires me and embraces all of life's challenges with a certain gusto.
I left work and had to put air in my tires on the way home. The weather was getting nasty and D had called to tell me she had stopped at home, but she was going to go to her BF's as they both had exams to study for. S then called and said that Xh invited he and his GF down to the cottage for the evening. It was a last minute invite.
I had really not considered it was Black Friday today. The gallery is immune to that particular event and I have only ever gone out once to shop on that day and vowed to never go again. It was far from enjoyable for me. I prefer a pace along the lines of strolling down a village street and going into shops. I am not a fan of the mall nor fighting crowds in general, and especially for the holidays. I believe it is in part due to the memories I have of shopping with my F before Christmas and going from store to store in the village where I grew up.
Because I was going to be alone, I decided to take advantage of the solitude and go look at washing machines. I didn't want input from the kids, TBH or my parents. I had no intention of buying anything tonight. I was trying to wrap my head around all of it. And, I am usually one to research things before a big purchase. The very first washing machine I ever bought when we were in the house took me 9 months to decide on. I knew we would need a new machine eventually and it wasn't a necessity in the moment. I approached every big ticket item that way, as did Xh. We were well informed. That went out the door with the MLCer. And, I myself, have made some rather abrupt decisions since the divorce, although I don't regret them. My car was certainly something that I went in and just committed to, but as my F had pointed out, Xh and I had owned several cars from that manufacturer over the years, and the model I bought was just like the very first car I bought when I was out of college. I knew what I was getting into and I have purchased every car I have owned from that dealership.
The refrigerator was the next situation along those lines, but again, that was largely in part due to knowing I needed to order one ASAP and with the Covid delays, as the timing was just as everything was shutting down, I was on borrowed time. As it was, it took 3 months for the refrigerator to arrive.
But this? Even though it is something I need fairly soon, if I want to avoid going to the laundromat or doing my laundry at my parent's for any length of time, yet, I had plans to research it over the weekend. Instead, I found myself driving towards the home improvement store near the mall. As I drove, it still didn't click with me that it was Black Friday. It took someone else reminding me to make it click. It made me laugh a bit, but then I realized the sudden invite from Xh for S to come down was really awful. It made me pause and really wonder WTF? He couldn't invite S for Thanksgiving dinner nor of course D, but he is choosing to have S there tonight. It made no sense, TBH. And my only concern was how D might feel once she got wind of it. It is not something I can fix, and it is not my issue to be concerned about, except I would be the one reaping the "benefits" potentially in the form of D perhaps having a bit of a trigger.
I wandered about the appliance section and narrowed down some ideas. I couldn't find a single person to help me in that area, and walked around the corner to find a young man standing in the aisle. I recognized the name, as it is not a common name and he had helped my parents with a plumbing problem some time ago and they continually gush over how helpful he was. Right away he offered to help me. I know better than to assume a young man my S's age is not on top of things and no matter what the age, I sometimes ask something I know the answer to in order to assess whether I have someone who really knows what they are talking about or to see if they are going to try and dazzle me with some BS. This young man not only knew his stuff, when he didn't know something he not only admitted it, but found someone who would know the answer. He would apologize if he didn't have the answer right away and I laughed telling him I honestly respected that. I realized that frankly with the delays in deliveries and the fact that I have a card with them that would give me 0% financing for 24 months - that I really wasn't going to do much better. I can pay that off quickly, but it will take the pressure off a little having that buffer of time. It was all done in an hour and I drove home. I was in a bit of shock. It is not like me at all.
When I came home, I had told someone jokingly I thought I was going to cry. Thing is, I realized it wasn't really a joke. I make light of things like getting bruises and hurting myself, or stressful things like this major purchase, but it is to sometimes help me get through the shock and process. I was okay until I came into the kitchen and saw that my kids had behaved like teenagers today and neither had bothered to do their dishes or empty the dishwasher. I am not used to this behavior and I had spent yesterday working my butt off to not only clean the kitchen ahead of the cooking but stayed up to make sure the kitchen was clean this morning. To come home and see this was infuriating and defeating. And, neither kid was here for me to address it with. I considered leaving it until morning and going to bed, but I couldn't stand the idea of getting up and having to face the mess. I begrudgingly took care of it, full well ready to read them both the riot act later.
S came through the door a short time later. I didn't lose my temper, but told him I was incredibly upset and he apologized. I asked what the big event was at Xh's and he said it was odd. Xh just wanted to see him. S shrugged and said it was rather strange. We left it at that. Then out of S's mouth came a question that I know from the phrasing was from Xh. I could feel myself bristle. It was a question about what had happened with the job at the university. I bit my tongue and wanted to call Xh and rip his head off. He is poking and wants to rile me up - I know this side of him too well. I told S that I will gladly share with him, but it is not to be something I want to share with Xh, as there are more than enough rumors that have circulated around about me over the years thanks to Xh and company. S understood what I was getting at.
But, it was in this moment that the tears just came tumbling out. S was visibly upset - thinking it was his fault somehow. But it wasn't . I just told him I am tired. I am tired of being alone and making decisions about everything on my own. I am tired of being strong and independent when sometimes I don't want to be. I don't want to have a pity party and have anyone think I am a victim, but I am truly just wishing for a time when maybe, just maybe I can quit having to hold it all together and somehow not have to have this weight on me. S gave me a hug and said he never really realized how much I have had to carry on my shoulders since Xh left. I laughed and said that it isn't that I wasn't capable of buying a washing machine, and it honestly isn't about the washing machine so much as I am just tired of feeling like I am in attack mode and have to put out this or that fire. This whole year has been especially hard that way and I haven't been able to really just stop and catch my breath.
S was getting ready for bed and I said he was not to worry, as I told him I will figure it out, as I somehow always do. He smiled and said that was very true and he said it is something he truly admires about me - my resilience.
I am not feeling at all resilient right now.
Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 8
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