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Author Topic: My Story Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 8

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My Story Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 8
#150: January 27, 2022, 11:23:51 AM
I remember people commenting that my hands shook. For about 2 years if I remember right, maybe a little more. I put it down to being cold bc I had lost so much weight and not sleeping. Now, I see both cold and the shakes as markers of my personal trauma response. Oh and feeling sick. Fun times  ::) But like you I am both a bit shocked by just how bad I was without really getting it at the time AND profoundly grateful to no longer be living that way. Actually, now I think about it, it is probably a marker too that a lot of what happened was far from a normal divorce and that my body knew that even when my head wasn’t it’s a kind of validation in a strange way.
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« Last Edit: January 27, 2022, 11:28:52 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 8
#151: January 27, 2022, 12:21:52 PM
Treasur - It is rather amazing when you can look back and see things that you just either dismissed or chalked up to "weight loss" and the like. I would feel weak, shaking and I was sick all the time. Xh used to comment on it as if I was some type of hypochondriac, yet it was literally at that point me not being able to eat at all some days. I had to force myself because I would get so sick. I know now from hearing my sister tell me how she used to try and reason with me and tell me at the time I just couldn't seem to accept that Xh had become this man none of us knew. He never hit me, but the mental and verbal abuse was bad at times.

I didn't endure it for many, many years, so I really give anyone a huge amount of credit who can pull away from years of abuse. I went through enough to know it was just horrible. I went from moments of wanting to desperately save what had been and was blind to what was. I thought the problems were with me and me alone. It was my fault he cheated. It was my fault we were in this mess, and on and on.

I wasn't blameless in some of our issues that arose, I won't ever say that. Because that would be completely wrong. We had for many years disagreed sometimes on politics or other issues, but we found a way to have a healthy discussion and sometimes agree to disagree. It was not the backbone of our relationship that ever was affected. We respected one another and had a similar moral compass, etc.

What has been sometimes the most difficult to work through for me personally is knowing I began to enable this behavior with Xh. I allowed him to berate me and let myself become victimized. I excused his behaviors and would accept that it was his FOO issues at play and on and on. That bothers me and I had never been one to enable or fix people. I don't want that job. My skill set always was one of helping people find their inner skill set and encouraging them, like my students. I didn't want to be Xh's replacement M or nagging W. I was just MD - his partner for so many years. Did I stumble - you bet. But, somehow even when we had a couple of hiccups, we pushed through them together, because we felt it was worth keeping our team intact.

I now know that if what I experienced yesterday was just a tidbit of what had gone on, I don't really know how I made it as far as, I have. Honestly.

It was also tough sometimes for other's to understand - that is why some of us quit standing. If my Xh had been a wallower, would I have hung on longer? IDK. I had the monster version for a very long time. And the monster came in many forms. It wasn't always screaming. It was a manipulative, always scheming monster for many months. While he was supposedly 'reconnecting' briefly with me, I ignored the clear signs he was still with OW and they were setting up the cottage. He was planning his exit just in case it didn't work out with me.

For me, even if he were to have come up to me yesterday and been his old self, I don't think I could look at him and have any desire to even contemplate a reconnection. That response alone was enough to know I don't trust him at all. And I am a woman that is loyal to a fault. I don't give up on people I love. I look at it now as I didn't give up on Xh. I chose instead not to give up on the kids and on myself and had to let Xh go to do that. After cutting him loose, I had to take my love back so that I could give my heart to someone else. His memories pre MLC are allowed to remain, but they inhabit a different space in my heart.
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« Last Edit: January 27, 2022, 12:25:27 PM by MourningDove »


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