I’m going to tread gently here, Pac, bc I am very conscious that I am in the cheap idiot seat here. Not a parent, not a guy and no longer in the same stage post-BD that you are. And of course that all I know of you is a few words on a screen that you have shared. So, a million caveats flag being waved from here
and re Standing? I think we each figure out what that means to us as we go but meanwhile, we still need to figure out how to keep life’s noisy ducks in a row regardless.
I recall you saying on a couple of posts, in different ways, that anger has been a challenge for you at times in your life. Fwiw I think this kind of life experience tends to dig up some of the worse angels of our natures as LBS....for some, it’s anger. For others, fear or grief or low self-worth. We all have our gremlins, don’t we? Some of that emotion is normal and healthy and constructive in the situation we find ourselves in. Some of it is less so. Working out what to do with how we feel is, I think, a pretty common challenge for every LBS even if the detail of the challenge varies. So, the good news is that how you feel is normal and we get it. The bad news is that, regardless of what your w says or does or what happens in the future, your challenge remains the same.....to let yourself feel what you feel without those feelings dragging you around by your dangly bits or giving your power away inadvertently to other people by getting caught up in reacting rather than being in control of your own emotional rollercoaster. I can’t recall if you are seeing a therapist but, if you can find a decent one, you may find it helpful to get some objective support in working this kind of s$it out. Bc it’s hard work and often raises some unfinished business that has nothing much to do with our spouses even if events have given it a good poke.
I also think it’s normal to swing on the pendulum for a bit in how we see our former spouses. Most of us have done that; I certainly did. To go from ‘this person is fab’ to ‘this person is a monster’. Mixed in with a bit of flailing around and denial of the practical current realities in front of our noses tbh. With time, and effort, most of us settle somewhere in the middle as we teach ourselves to accept reality as we can see it based on what we know. What’s good about that is that it tends to make them smaller and less powerful in our own minds, which tends to then make us bigger and more in control in our own minds. We mind read less and slowly learn to adapt to what we see as reality more than what we think is true. So, as an example, I don’t know why your w told you about the friend’s stroke, just that she did. And of course, you have the right to respond or not to that information as you see fit in the circumstances bc a lot of damage gets caused to old relationships in these situations. But it is objectively less likely to be some grand Machiavellian plot by your wife warranting big anger and more likely that your wife simply thought you would want the information. When our pain is so big, Pac, we all get a bit self-centred, I know I was for ages
.....but truthfully not everything that goes on is about us or our spouses is it? Life happens to others even as we are embroiled in our own s$it......and sometimes it asks more of us than we have the bandwidth to deal with at the time.
Which brings me round to the issue of your son’s behaviour. First, let me remind you of my million caveats flag though lol. Not a guy, not a parent of young men, not a grandparent, not the patriarch or financial supporter of young adults living under my roof. So, safe to assume that I don’t know much at all
But it does give me an objective viewpoint from far away
There is a lot of young adult drama in your home and life at a time when you are probably exhausted by your own drama. Most LBS find themselves having to learn new Boundary 101 skills and these tend to be useful and necessary with a whole bunch of relationships, not just our nutso nasty spouses
What your adult son did was criminal damage. He was angry....for whatever reason....and did this. Part of growing up is learning that actions carry consequences. And that boundaries sometimes need to be acted on to send a clear message that some kinds of behaviour is not ok to us. There are a bunch of different ways that you might choose to send that message to your son, and your other son and their girlfriends (bc although you call them DIL and children are involved, I think that none are married? But it seems to me that you may need to reconsider your boundaries with these adult children, what is ok with you, what is not and what you do to take care of your own needs first. One can have compassion and understanding for the emotions behind how people act without saying their behaviour is ok. As a bare minimum, your son needs to meet the cost of repairing the damage and be able to persuade you that this will not happen again. If not, then it is reasonable for you to take other actions to safeguard yourself and your home including even filing a police report if you choose. As a parent who knows a bit about anger from your own life, I could argue that teaching your son that actions taken in anger have RL consequences is a pretty important life lesson. The world, and the women and children in it, does not need more angry men who don’t take responsibility for their own behaviour or justify the unacceptable, does it?
The same is true of your wife. She left in the way she did and that has some RL practical effects. How she feels about what she did and why she did it does not change the reality that once she did that a whole bunch of things changed from how they were before. You are angry at her BS and want her to make a ‘real’ decision....but whatever she says she feels, her leaving as she did I could argue WAS a real decision with real consequences for her, you and your family. Whatever happens in the future, whatever you decide to do next, does not change that. Acceptance sounds easy but I think it’s actually a really hard gritty process bc it means we have to accept the current reality of things we don’t like and don’t want. But as Marvin says, imho pushing ourselves to look at how it is can strangely be quite liberating in thinking about what we want to do on the other side. What Standing might mean to us or not, what divorce means to us or not, what matters and what does not, what we can control and what we can’t. These are tough messy things to figure out and probably need a bit of calm reflection away from the storm.....but important to remind yourself that you have choices, Pac, more choices than just waiting on your w’s choices or POV or feelings. Hard to make good wise choices when our own minds are in a whirl
I am so sorry that you are still riding your own emotional rollercoaster, dear Pac. We have all been there and it’s awful we know. And these additional family dramas must feel as welcome as a hole in the head. It probably sounds a bit frigging Pollyanna-ish to say that these are the worst times and that it does get better and easier, whatever happens with your marriage, bc we each learn through trial and error. Fall down, get up, try again, rinse and repeat. But it does. I hope that other guys here, a few years out from where you are, will swing by to share their own trial and error and successes with you. You seem like a good guy currently waving a machete in grass higher than your head....and when you’re in the long grass, it is hard as hell to see more than the grass....but it will not always be all you can see or all that is in front of you. You just need to keep going, bIt by bit, until you get out of the long grass. And we will be here with you as you do!
Maybe you need a Pac day on the river....?
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Time for a break