[UrsaMajor]

I know she is "demanding" to see them all and mutual friends are enabling it because she lives there. Putting on a meal for anyone that turns up. I don't care about that part BUT what do I do for me???

She can "demand" anything she wants... Your kids are all old enough to make their own choices. Whether you agree with them or not is not the point. They are adults and have to make up their own minds but...

If the DIL's choose to act like spoiled brats, that is on them, not you. That is their decision and they will have to deal with the consequences.

The real question is, in fact, what DO you do for you?

What will bring you joy? Do it.
What will allow you to take your focus off of her or whatever the Hades she is doing or not doing and your former friends and put it back on the person in the mirror when you look? Do it.
If you have never been a huge Christmas person, why are you changing this year? If you are doing it for you, then Do it.
If you are doing it from someone else, you need to ask if the cost is worth the effort.

[Pacman]

My plan was to do something with what is left of my family.
But I can't make them.
And I get that.....so suggestions???

My attitude changed on my birthday about appreciating family and doing things together.

I honestly believe that was my MLC wake up.
Not hers but mine.
She was in the middle of her affair. I knew it and it woke me up to the seriousness of my life.

And this is not about her. I don't care what she does on the day. I want to find something that makes me happy!


Son19 has just told me.
She asked if I was going to our nieces for Xmas day. He said no dad won't be going.
"Why not they  are still his family?".
Lol.
The mind boggles but I don't care. Im just trying to do something  for me.

S19 has said he and his in laws have nothing planned for lunch so that is booked in.😊

[Treasur]

I think we all have to learn to restructure our sense of family and build new traditions for traditional holidays, Pac. And tbh most of us, for a couple of years, limp through it until we find a new way of doing things.

I lost my family, in different ways, around BD. I have no kids, no siblings, not much wider family...so you are already one step up on me lol. It’s ok to not know quite how to do the ‘new normal’ for a while. And tbh covid helps bc everyone is struggling a bit right now. I ignored Christmas like a sobbing Grinch for two years, nibbled on it lightly for the next two with slightly gritted teeth.  And this year my Christmas plans, in so far as any of us can make firm plans right now, are low key and based on new friendships. A carol service with one chum. Wine and nibbles and Midnight Mass with another. A Christmas Day visit to a family who are having their first Christmas after the father/husband died when I will play games with the kids, let hamsters crawl over me and eat party snacks chosen by a ten year old while giving my friend the slack of not being the only adult in the house. Turkey sandwiches, gifted by another chum from their humongously large turkey her husband insists on buying every year, on Boxing Day curled up with the cat and a good book. A cinema visit with another chum. It isn’t how it was, that’s true, but it is enjoyable in a different way.

I’m sorry that this first Christmas might feel hard, but do what feels most comfortable for you and know that it will get better with time.

[OffRoad]

I can suggest the double meal shuffle or the sons and grandkids fly by.

For the double meal shuffle, you have one set for lunch and one for dinner. For the son and grandkids fly by, you set aside time, with or without food, for both sons and kids to come by, wives optional. If they can't be civil on Christmas, it's a them problem. But that is not the grandkids fault, and they should not suffer (in the long term as they grow) because of it.

Always ask for what you would like, be willing to compromise if it isn't detrimental to you, and gracefully accept a firm no.

Last year my kids had Christmas at their fathers, first time ever.  So we had early Christmas here. You find ways to make it work for you.

[HeavenlyFocus]

Hi Pac,

This is my first Christmas away from my W after last year's dysfunctional Christmas.  I am just trying to make it through the holiday and it has been tough.   Glad your focus is on you and it will get easier in time for all of us.

HF

[JohnnyBravo]

I guess that makes three of us on our first solo Christmas. At least I've got my train trip. Apparently they seat you with other people for meals in the dining car, so I'll meet some folks as well.

[Pacman]

Hi Pac,
This is my first Christmas away from my W after last year's dysfunctional Christmas.  I am just trying to make it through the holiday and it has been tough.   Glad your focus is on you and it will get easier in time for all of us.
HF

Yeah I hope it will be the start of new traditions. Not the kind I was hoping for at the start of this year but.......out of my control.

I guess that makes three of us on our first solo Christmas. At least I've got my train trip. Apparently they seat you with other people for meals in the dining car, so I'll meet some folks as well.

I will be thinking of you all and hope the day/holiday season passes without too much trama.

I can suggest the double meal shuffle or the sons and grandkids fly by.

For the double meal shuffle, you have one set for lunch and one for dinner. For the son and grandkids fly by, you set aside time, with or without food, for both sons and kids to come by, wives optional. If they can't be civil on Christmas, it's a them problem. But that is not the grandkids fault, and they should not suffer (in the long term as they grow) because of it.

Always ask for what you would like, be willing to compromise if it isn't detrimental to you, and gracefully accept a firm no.

Last year my kids had Christmas at their fathers, first time ever.  So we had early Christmas here. You find ways to make it work for you.

I will do whatever I have to. I'm the one who is "stable" hahaha.

I think we all have to learn to restructure our sense of family and build new traditions for traditional holidays, Pac. And tbh most of us, for a couple of years, limp through it until we find a new way of doing things.

Again not what I had in mind for my future but have to step up for the boys and the grandchildren.

She can "demand" anything she wants... Your kids are all old enough to make their own choices. Whether you agree with them or not is not the point. They are adults and have to make up their own minds but...

If the DIL's choose to act like spoiled brats, that is on them, not you. That is their decision and they will have to deal with the consequences.

The real question is, in fact, what DO you do for you?

What will bring you joy? Do it.
What will allow you to take your focus off of her or whatever the Hades she is doing or not doing and your former friends and put it back on the person in the mirror when you look? Do it.
If you have never been a huge Christmas person, why are you changing this year? If you are doing it for you, then Do it.
If you are doing it from someone else, you need to ask if the cost is worth the effort.

I get that. The girls are being vindictive towards each other and that will be their battle . NOT mine. I will be the solid one and stay out of the cesspit.
As I said I don't care what she does or who she does it with.
I wanted to do this from the beginning of the year so my plan doesn't change. It's just not in the way I wanted it to be so I will have to adapt.

It may not be everyone's cup of tea but I always wanted a tattoo but was petrified of needles.
Again on my birthday in Feb I built up the courage to get a small one.

It is a Greek phrase "oti sou then skotoni se cani pio thinato".
"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger".

So for Christmas this year I plan on getting another one in memory of my departed grandparents.
A spartan warrior holding a shield (both grandparents were from Sparta) and with the words Molon Labe (Come and take them) said by King Leonidas before the Battle of Thermopylae when Xerxes said "hand over your weapons". My sons names will be incorporated in it as well along with the family name.

[5hilmerton]

Pacman,
sounds like you are truly doing something for yourself.  Although, that is a lot of TAT for someone who does not like needles.  Carpe Diem, enjoy yourself and the Holidays.

5hil

[Pacman]

Pacman,
sounds like you are truly doing something for yourself.  Although, that is a lot of TAT for someone who does not like needles.  Carpe Diem, enjoy yourself and the Holidays.

5hil

Taking myself out of my safe zone.
My whole mindset changed earlier this year to face my fears and come out of my shell.

Little did I know I would get coward punched by the one person I trusted.

And even smaller did I realise the tattoo I got in Feb would be where I'm standing now.

I'm not dead but don't feel like I'm getting stronger??

[Standing Strong]

I'm not dead but don't feel like I'm getting stronger??

I see a big difference in you over the last week or so Pac 

Sometimes (often) the hardest person to see is ourselves.

Keep going Pac 

-SS