[Schratz66]

4 1/2 years into it and still the wonderful people in this Forum are the only ones I confide in and there is no support quite like it.

It's been a while that I had to start a new thread and who knows if I am doing it right....but the previous thread: 

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11286.160

So, just a brief recap.....MLC left after 20 years together via text message and refused to talk to me but we still worked in the same office for 4 more years....over these years he wasn't really a Clinger but every 2-3 months he would email and I would always respond briefly. I finally was able to leave the work place in September and am completely out of his sight now. His emails got more frequent when his mother got ill and she did pass away New Years eve. Since we left, his entire family had shunned my D and I and yet last week he emailed that I should come see him as D should get his mothers extensive Christmas Village.....

So, I learned that even 4 1/2 years later we can change and move along on our way. I had always responded to any email he had sent because I wanted him to know I am open to talk to if he ever chose to. Guess what - I have not responded to the last one. I know - no big deal, but to me it is. And it's not that I did not respond due to anger or wanting to be mean ....I did not respond because I had no words. I did not want to explain why my daughter doesn't want the village and I did not want to get into why I did not want to come see him at his mothers house. So I said nothing. Zero. And the first few days I felt unsure about it but then a calm came over me. Then I remembered how cowardly he left and how little contact and care he had for us or how we were surviving and then guess what.....for the first time in 4 1/2 years I felt anger towards him.

In the early stages I always wanted to feel anger as I thought it would make it easier and never could get mad.....a few days ago I was angry...angry that he couldn't be a real man - angry that his family treated us like we never existed and angry at him non chalantly wanting to see me as if nothing ever happened. Like we were bestest of friends...

Thankfully the anger did not last but it felt good for that little while but the feeling remained that I deserved better than that.

Anyhow....like I said...even years in we discover new things and positions change and emotions turn... and I had to share it.

Getting ready to be hit by another Snowmaggedon here.....12-14 inches expected and freezing rain....I just hope we keep the power on.

Hope everyone is staying safe out there and thank you again for all your support over the years.

[Seahorse]

Schratz - Attaching and read the end of your last thread.
Quite a difficult decision on how to approach the rare contact, especially when it involves your child(ren).
I have the same issue this morning after receiving a text, so have appreciated everyone's input.

You sound like you're in about the same place as me - quite detached but still missing the man that I married.
And yes, the anger is normal but thankfully fleeing and the best part is realizing that you deserve better...
I suspect that your lack of response to his email will trigger further contact as it is probably difficult for him to be ignored by you since that's not something you typically do... 

Your job sounds like a great thing, and so happy that you were able to get away from the eyes of your husband, yet keep your state pension.

Keep us apprised of how you're doing.  It's always great to hear stories of growth and healing.

[rosetintedglasses]

Schratzz

Just attaching, I am around a year ahead of you so it’s interesting to catch up on how you are.

You have a great energy around your writing.

Hope you keep the power on too, sounds cold!
Rose 🌹

[FaithWalker]

Good for you not responding.  Sometimes we reach the end of words.  I know I am there and only respond if I have to regarding the kids we share.  That is becoming fewer and fewer as they age.

[UrsaMajor]

Schratz,

1) Yes, you did it right (the new Thread)

2) No, I am not always right by any means ... <snort!>

and

3) Anger is not misplaced as long as we don't stew in it and become bitter. Anger can be a motivator to move forward in our lives and is often a sign when we have come to the conclusion or point that, no, we do NOT deserve to be treated the way that the Mid-Lifer is treating us.

His message was of the "3 months if ever" variety (the Rule of 3 - blood and death, 3 minutes, important stuff about kids/business, 3 days, etc.) and, as I said in the last thread, your D is an adult. She can choose to respond if she wishes and MLCH shoudl be talking directly to her. You are not the go-between....

[Schratz66]

Thank you Sea, Faith and Rose for attaching to my continued story. I appreciate it. Ursa.....I am straining my brain to find an occasion where you were not right....lol.....and I am happy that the anger came and went and I am back in worrying about what's going on in my life.

Sea - you are correct...my non response for the first time in almost 5 years must have disturbed him a wee bit. Yesterday he wrote the longest email about taking care of his mothers estate...blablabla.....about keeping parts of the property to live in (now mind you OW is 4 hours away and not moving) .....and then (also very rare) two sentences inquiring about my health (balablabla..he worries...blablabla.....sure didn't worry for 4 years) and griping about his work.....
And while I am a super empathetic person and losing your mother is truly one of the tougher times in ones life.....I can honestly say I do not feel any type of pity or sorrow for him.

It is almost like reading a stranger's email about what is happening in their life......there was only one wee tug when he talked about selling teh old farm house because we were going to restore it ...but that passed and the rest I took more as BlaBlaBla.....

And I am proud to say I responded in a very casual way as I would to an acquaintance........very non personal - no mention of me or my health or my life (he does not deserve to know about any of that) ...very general......

Ursa would be proud (and I am extremely proud of myself) on how far I have come in my communications with him ......being able to not ask any questions - make no comments about OW or his life ....I keep hearing Ursa and the rest of this wonderful forum in the back of my mind.......what purpose or hidden agenda is in that question......be neutral.....

We just weathered another ice / snow storm and luckily no power was lost so all is good.

Currently focusing on only eating real food.....as living alone one is so prone to just grab some fast food or a bag of popcorn for dinner because it's easy.....3 weeks in and so far I am doing good.....my end goal is to be able to get back out on the bike and the kayak this spring once the hip joints are fixed.

Long Term plan is to minimize my possessions as much as I can so I can move near D in a year or two once she has decided where she will teach permanently. And while it may not seem like much....I am not even considering him in any of this...no more....what if he changes his mind....what if he won't know where you moved to, what if you will never see him again.......me being able to not go there is big as I always held on to hope........oddly now...I am at the stage that I love him and maybe always will, but there is nothing I can do about it so I cannot worry about it. Maybe one does get wiser with age....lmao.....

Hoping everyone is safe and staying that way. Life is short .....let's enjoy every single day....




 

[UrsaMajor]

[Treasur]

Gosh you sound good, 66 
Nothing you can do about it so choosing not to worry about it sounds like a pretty good place to be. 

Forgive me bc I can’t recall if you are now divorced/financially separated, so if any of his buy/sell muttering have any effect on your finances?

[Sam I Am]

66 - So happy to read this post.  You have grown so much and sound like you are in such an awesome place.

Time really is our friend and it has done wonders for you!

Looking forward to hear more about your outdoor adventures once you are able to get back at it.

Love the goals you are setting for yourself!  Keep doing YOU!

[stillbaffled]

Attaching and catching up, S66. 

Sounds like you are in a good place.  Sending good wishes for healing so you can be ready for spring and hobbies you enjoy. 

Currently, I would say your D can pick just about any place to teach and be able to secure employment.  We can't get subs and we're even having problems filling some positions in my district.  I hope she'll get to be choosy!