[Schratz66]

Thank you Ready and Mad......

It's been almost 3 weeks since the last contact and I am doing much better.
Funny how we know not hearing from them brings so much more peace and calm into our lives and yet it seems like once again we are forgotten. But I know that he will not forget......
Going back to the office was great - I have such a fun group of coworkers and it was truly good to see them in person again and we had many laughs.

I am much calmer again and had it not for finally succumbing to CoVid I would consider myself bounced back.....the Rona hit me hard....despite being vaccinated and extremely careful in social interactions......it knocked me off my feet for almost a week......

I also had my first therapy appointment and will go for a second to see if I like her.....I want somebody that will listen and help and make me think......not sure yet if she is just a listener...so I will give it a couple more rounds........we went into my childhood and time was over before we even got to MLC...lol....which is a huge improvement because last time I saw a therapist it was forefront and all about MLC and how will I survive......

Time flies and it is almost Thanksgiving.....crazy.....I will spend a few days with my daughter helping her cook and clean for her new in laws to come visit and share the holiday and hope that nobody talks politics or religion as his family and I are on different sides....

Tomorrow my 6 week surgery check up and I feel almost back to normal as far as movement and hope to get cleared for the gym again. I do miss working out and hopefully it will help with the post op insomnia that is still plaguing me .....

All in all - much better place that I am in and thank you again for everyone that send encouragement and wisdom....could not do it with you all and for that I feel immensly grateful and blessed

[MadLuv]

A little on your therapy. I did most the talking for a while ( still do most ) but I wanted someone to unleash my head and it not be friends and family anymore. If I needed her input I asked, but I do think they need to let you talk for a bit to get a feel for you and your situation and how you process and cope.

[UrsaMajor]

Religion and politics are NOT topics that are conducive to good digestion, especially when coming from the opposite side of the fence...

[xyzcf]

All in all - much better place that I am in

I was thinking, it's like the ocean...the "storm" creeps up on us, contact with them, anniversary dates, feelings, deep emotions, wounding, pain, despair and crashes us about, breaking apart shorelines and beaches, tearing apart houses and then it subsides and calm returns.

Watching the news last night with the destruction in Florida, an official suggested that they keep doing the same thing over and over again...replacing sand and building back up again and that something different has to be done. It's too costly to continue this way.

Each time I get "hit" by the storm, it allows me to assess the damage and then move forward once again...enjoying the peace and calm after the storm.

So glad you are feeling better!

[Schratz66]

Each time I get "hit" by the storm, it allows me to assess the damage and then move forward once again

And I do hope that with each storm we learn a little bit more about ourselves and how to handle the next storm....

Ursa - I promised my daughter I shall behave and not bring up either...lol...she said they would probably give me a pass anyway since I am European....lol....

I do have a question for opinions.....how do we know if we have intuition or a refusal to believe the truth ?

From the first moment my gut told me that we were not over, but at what point do you keep faith in your gut when you keep wondering if it is just a refusal to see reality ?
Am I blinded by hope or delusional ?

MadLuv .....thank you for your input ....she is in for a fun session since last time we did not even get started on MLC.....we just talked childhood and my first marriage which was abusive...

[xyzcf]

I do have a question for opinions.....how do we know if we have intuition or a refusal to believe the truth ?

From the first moment my gut told me that we were not over, but at what point do you keep faith in your gut when you keep wondering if it is just a refusal to see reality ?
Am I blinded by hope or delusional ?

When I read this, I have always had what we once referred to as an "inner knowing", the sensation that this was not over and I also questioned if I was believing in something in some sort of unhealthy psychological state...every time I assess this, I come up with the same conclusion. I am not delusional in any other area of my life, I don't have any other psychological issues, my therapist never felt that I was unhinged....

I do not know the answer to your question. What is the truth? That he is never coming back? Nobody knows that for sure.

What has helped me is looking at my present day reality. He doesn't want me in his life. He has a life of his own which he seems happy with. Contact with him does not mean that he wants "us" again..and thus, there are no expectations or questions about why he contacts or brings me gifts..it's just the way he is.

I think the question is, is this feeling stopping you from living your life? If it is, then is it really a problem. If not, it may just be something in our brains that remain stuck on the idea of what once was.....it may not be possible to erase those feelings or the hope that we have.

What I am thinking here is that the present reality is that he is not my partner. I don't ask or expect anything from him. That's my reality.

Some of the posters here have written about reconnection which is not to be confused with reconciliation. And maybe that inner knowing is more a continuation of the bond between you that might always exist but doesn't mean he is coming back.

It's really totally out of our control. Any relationship going forward with him  has to be initiated by him and it has to be real...not sending a joke in a text message.

I really would not worry unless these feelings are stopping you from exploring and living your life to it's fullest. Perhaps it was Heartblessing that used to say, the LBSer grows and builds their own life and if the MLCer ever comes through their tunnel, they would be the ones that have to catch up to the LBSer..which may of course be too late anyway for we too have been on our own journey.

[Schratz66]

Thank you (again) XY....I am not delusional about any other aspect of my life and I usually have great intuition and never question it.
Why am I questioning it with MLC ?

Maybe I fear that I will be like my mother who literally died of a broken heart 40 years after BD....does it keep me from living my life ? In the grand scheme, no it does not....but what it does do is keep me from fully accepting that he may never come back. It keeps me off balance and it keeps me having expectations which I really don't want to have. So, why don't I try to change my believes and believe that he might not ever return.....I have tried to convince myself that he might be forever stuck in the "I am not sure" - which really and truly keeps me focused on him and I don't want to focus on him.

I know a lot of people start focusing on a new partner, but honestly that has never even crossed my mind. It sure might make things easier but it just isn't me. And I do not appreciate my own self for even still entertaining the fact that I want him back - where is my self respect and my dignity of knowing that I deserve better. I guess that is the eternal struggle between heart and head.

Letting go of hope seems too dark, letting go of expectations is essential and I have to find a way to do it. 
My two quotes each day are that "I cannot control his feelings" and "I don't know what will happen in 5 minutes, 5 hours, 5 days, 5 weeks" .....
Enough ruminating for today.

Monday I am driving up to my daughters to help her prep and cook for her future in-laws who are coming up. Looking forward to just hugs, laughter and brightness. We have such great times when we spent time together and it will be such a blessing.

[MadLuv]

I know a lot of people start focusing on a new partner, but honestly that has never even crossed my mind. It sure might make things easier but it just isn't me. And I do not appreciate my own self for even still entertaining the fact that I want him back - where is my self respect and my dignity of knowing that I deserve better. I guess that is the eternal struggle between heart and head

I could have written this myself 6 months ago. I think feeling every feeling and not denying it made me finally open my eyes to it all and it happens on it’s own. You just get tired of giving someone so much space in your heart and mind that has no space for you right now. I decided to look at him as someone that very well be suffering now from a permanent PD and is doing nothing about it and with that how would anything change? I was loving someone who was inflicting pain on me. Intentionally or not. I like you have no will or desire to date. First, my kids haven't come to terms with their new step mother, so I am not adding more to the mix.

 I think just spending more time with my kids and having a good time like you makes all the difference . He honestly never comes up now. Sad to say for him. It gets better. You enjoy your time alone and your time with friends or family and that is enough for now. Don’t look to far ahead. Thats when you can freak yourself out. Just let life unfold as long as your progressing to stability and happier moments that is good enough. That’s what has worked for me. Sorry if I rambled 😂🤣

[Schratz66]

Just journaling and trying to document my feelings to get them out of my head.
Thanksgiving was a wonderful week spent with D and her fiance and coming back home was a little sad but it is what it is.
Had my second session with the new therapist and we are working about revisiting childhood trauma and trying to work through it with the inner child approach and I think I like her and can work with her.
Have not heard from MLC since we spoke on the phone and he said he'd be in touch. It has almost been 8 weeks and that is the longest since BD that he had not reached out so I have no idea what is going on. While on one hand I am back into my routine of just living my life, it also has me somewhat in a panic that I have not experience since early on after BD. It makes no sense and not logical whatsoever but I keep panicking now what if he forgot about me - what if all over sudden he is done.....it took him 5 years until he apologized and tell me he still loved me so I don't know why after 8 weeks I feel like he is done with me and with us.
I have not reached out to him and I won't but he is way too much on my mind for my own comfort.
I read somewhere that if you cannot let go it has to do less with that person but more with the fact that you are not living a happy life to focus on. And sadly that is the truth. I am so lost with what to do with my life. I want to find a purpose, a fullfillment of sort that would make me excited each day t get up. Don't get me wrong - I have a good life with friends and work and such, but I do not feel fulfilled or that I have a purpose. Maybe I expect too much of life - I don't know.

[Music45]

Hey Schratz
I think I could have written that last post and your feelings about why your inner voice is saying to ride this out. I can't explain why I feel that same either - when I'm fairly pragmatic etc in other areas of life and while getting on with things in other areas.
I too feel I need a change of some sort. Some new challenge.
If you get any answers...shout! I'd love to know
Glad you had a good time with your D. Those relationships with our adult kids are so important.
Hugs.