[xyzcf]

I read somewhere that if you cannot let go it has to do less with that person but more with the fact that you are not living a happy life to focus on. And sadly that is the truth.

I find this statement to be "blaming" for not being able to find happiness because you cannot let go. Personally, I don't find that helpful.

We can "try" all we want but until the shift happens within, we may continue to be affected by the loss of someone we loved.

I read it often on HS as well as the length of time it takes to "recover".

No matter what I would have to focus on there is also the reality that I am now alone and that I miss the man I loved.

If you are finding that 100% of your time is focused on him, then there is a problem. But if you think about all the other moments in your day when you are engaged and focused on other things, I think you will find that the majority of the time you are not just focusing on him.

I don't know that we can "force" ourself to "let go". I do know that we can get to a place of peace and acceptance.

Contact or no contact doesn't mean much Schartz. Until he opens the door to truly talk with you without all the superficial crap...there is no relationship.

 

so I don't know why after 8 weeks I feel like he is done with me and with us.

We cannot lose what is already gone. They left the marriage long before we were made aware..they have been gone very long time.

Perhaps, and I don't know this to be true, but perhaps the fear is that you are giving up the idea that he would ever return?

This is something we hang onto and it's difficult to let go of this idea. We are made to be in an intimate companionship with another, most of us anyway prefer that to being alone (although there are some who feel comfortable alone, I don't)..so if we are not wired to be "happy" living alone, no matter if we fill our lives with "happy" things to focus on..the reality is that there isn't an intimate partner to share with.....

Don't beat yourself up for feeling the way you do. I don't think many here have totally forgotten their spouse...those memories are still there and if they were pleasant memories, we are going to miss the person who enjoyed life together with us.

[xyzcf]

I just watched a Netflix documentary called Take your pills: Xanax. It covers anxiety, fear and made me think about what I truly believe…that we must feel our thoughts and emotions and feelings, that they are real and that there are actual physiological responses to stress.
It covers the use of benzodiazepines and how addictive they can be. I think many of us have taken them at some point in our post BD journey.
You might find it helpful to watch as it emphasizes that 1/3 of people experience “anxiety” and that there are tools we can use to change the fight/ flight responses. It also talks about loneliness.

I find the more I understand the body’ responses, the more I can accept that there is nothing wrong with me concerning how I still experience sadness relating to the end of our marriage.  Just wanted to share, it’s late and hard to get the right words out.

[Schratz66]

Thank you so much XY for your thoughts and wisdom and you are right.
There is no relationship, and no, I do not think of him all the time so I guess my life is not focused on him......the more time lapses since contact the more peaceful I become once again.
Since I started back into therapy I am trying to feel more of my feelings whatever they may be and try not to judge myself for those feelings. Sometimes it is hard to just sit with all these emotions but they come and if you let them they will leave once you have sat with them.
This feeling things purposely is a new concept for me and I am hoping it will get easier with time and won't feel so foreign.

Still have not heard anything so I know nothing and that's ok.

I am finally back to my gym routine and it feels good to move again and be active.

D and her fiance are coming in for a few days with the grand cats and I am looking forward to good times and laughter.

Wishing everyone a peaceful week until Christmas and a wonderful Christmas.

[Schratz66]

Christmas is over and D and her cats left to go back home.....I miss them already, but I know they have their own lives and I am happy for them. MLC send a generic Merry Christmas and while I would have been happy with that before because at least he thought about me, these days it is rather disappointing after all the email exchanges this year and him admitting he still loves me......it's like going back 2 steps and it's hard.
6 1/2 years of hoping and wishing and never getting anywhere has worn me down and I don't know how much I have left in me to not just totally shut down and give up on him, on us, on hope....

[Evermore]

As usual S66 I have no good advice (because I’m in the same boat  ). But I can offer hugs and shared feelings and empathy. I’m very glad Christmas is over so it’ll all calm down again and many of the triggers of this time of year will be behind us. I hope that’s the case for you as well.

How’s your hip feeling? My girls got me a new Fitbit for Xmas and it feels motivating to start settings fitness goals again (I have allowed myself to get in a bit of a ‘I’ll walk tomorrow’ etc rut  ). Hope the weather there is ok enough for you to be getting out and about! It’s been the weirdest summer here with winter-like temps and rain for weeks and then a couple of really hot days… then back to ‘winter-weather’. Yesterday was 40 degrees (over 100) and today it’s trying to rain and back to 20! So odd.  But at least better for exercising! I’m gonna get out and really get my walk on again! It’s so good for my head. Hoping you can also find something that helps ‘put your head back on straight’. It’s bloody hard I know. Thinking of ya.

[Schratz66]

Thank you so much Evermore.....your hugs and empathy and knowing you know exactly how it feels made me tear up. I so appreciate you.
My hip is doing okay - but all the muscles and tendons are still recovering. I started going back to the gym a couple of weeks ago just to get out of the house and get in shape again......

I hope this down is simply the season and the weather and that I get over it soon.  This cannot be the rest of my life ....loving this man has really become such a difficult and complicated road and some days I wish I could just stop caring.

I do miss the old me that was full of life, laughter, joy and hope .....I know that woman is still in here somewhere bogged down by darkness and despair.

Thank you again for your support Ever - it means more than I can put into words. May you have a wonderful and happy New Year

[xyzcf]

I do miss the old me that was full of life, laughter, joy and hope .....I know that woman is still in here somewhere bogged down by darkness and despair.

I am not sure we can control how we feel about our spouses..often even in my sleep, I will dream about him....or thoughts of him come to me during the day.

It was at a time when I was feeling stuck that I found the therapist that did mind/body work, trauma work that allowed me to become unstuck.

I know that feeling of darkness and despair. It is draining and not conducive to feeling fully alive.

Many years down the road, I still care about him but I have a life that is mine and that brings me happiness. He is in that life, on the periphery but I don't think it would matter to me if he stayed in contact or didn't.

I recognize in him now, that the life I want and the life he wants are very different. I can only say that acceptance is probably the biggest thing that helped me to steer in a different direction, continuing to love him (I always will) but acknowledging that I cannot change things for us.

I hope that once the holidays are over, you will find some peace..it comes in tiny increments and it took me many many years to find.

MLC send a generic Merry Christmas and while I would have been happy with that before because at least he thought about me, these days it is rather disappointing after all the email exchanges this year and him admitting he still loves me

It's kind of like looking for signs that he still cares...these things they do, I am not quite sure what motivates them but some like to "stay in touch"....the thing is, unless there is some honest communication about what type of relationship they would like to have with us...it all remains very superficial...

So instead of trying to figure out what he means by these things, acceptance of this is all he has to give helps to lower your expectation of what could come next.

6 1/2 years of hoping and wishing and never getting anywhere has worn me down and I don't know how much I have left in me to not just totally shut down and give up on him, on us, on hope....

Giving up on him is perhaps different than finding your own journey without him...there will perhaps come a turning point where your inner self will break away from the hoping for the outcome that you want, and the realization that they are on a different path than ours.

It is a very hard time for us, very painful and confusing as to how to "let go". As you know, I don't have any expectations about "us"...he's welcome to be with us as it is better for our family to be together ...that is a conscious decision on my part...watching  our daughter cook with him after so many years where he paid little attention to her, watching her smiling and chatting with her dad is worth it to me and brings me joy....it might be difficult for me but still much better than not having any contact with him at all.

But, for some people, deciding to be "done" allows them greater freedom perhaps...we figure that out eventually, meeting what is important to us to become whole and healthy.

[MadLuv]

S66- you know all the reading and reading we do on this never answers all our questions, because every person and story is unique. The ILY and communication can sometimes also scare them back a little to process. You just don’t know. For me I would be glad to get that little merry Christmas again as it is better for my children ( adult or not) to know their parents still have some love for one another and so they still come from love. He thought of you. Not in the way you want, but what he is capable of. You chose if it is enough. Hugs to you

[Schratz66]

Thank you XY and Mad for your support and understanding.
I am not one to make New Year's resolutions but I am picking a word for 2023 that I hope will become my mantra for the coming year.

"Trust"
Trust that what is meant to be will not pass me by.
Trust that the universe knows what is best for me.
Trust in being able to find the fun loving me back.
Trust in me to begin living again.

Trust (not just with MLC) has been my biggest challenge my entire life. There is maybe a handful of people that I fully trust - MLC was one of them and even though he betrayed that trust - I still trust him ...how absurd is that, but he has never been malicious and I understand the life crisis he was in, so I cannot blame him for trying to fix his unhappiness with the only way he knew how...a new shiny supply (even though it wasn't really new to him and no risks were involved).

Many years down the road, I still care about him but I have a life that is mine and that brings me happiness.

I hope to get there one day XYZ as I realize I must get there to not keep wasting my life away. What helped you to find a new purpose and mission in life ? Until now my family was my passion and purpose and with D living her own life and MLC being off to the side......I need something new in my life to fuel my light.

Today marks 93 days of no binge eating. I have had that eating disorder since my father left and while it simmered down during my marriage - it flared back up after BD as I just wanted to numb the pain. On my worst days I could consume 10,000 calories in one hour.
The day of my surgery I decided I want to heal my entire body - not just the old joints and so every time the urge hits....I just sit down and feel the feelings and let it pass. Has it been easy, definitely not and each day is a challenge, but I am hopeful to be able to manage it.

Thank you again XYZ and Mad and I wish you a wonderful New Year !!!

[xyzcf]

You "sound" like you are moving along, making changes that will heal you in both mind, body and spirit. Keep working on the things that are damaging to your being!

What helped you to find a new purpose and mission in life ?

My faith in God's plan for me.  I have always had faith but his crisis pushed me into a deeper relationship with God. Interestingly "trust" is a really big and freeing part of my healing.

So much of my drawing closer to God has to do with believing and living His Divine Mercy..."Jesus I trust in you", prayer and asking for healing. "Be not afraid" , "love one another as I have loved you"...understanding that there is more than I can see going on.....that's my number one reason for being at peace now with all that happened.

My therapist shared my faith beliefs, so as well as being amazing in the type of mind/body work, she also was connected to my spiritual self which made things much easier.

You will get there Schratz...you recognize the "issues" and you are willing to do the work needed to become whole...the suffering we have gone through leave scars, but there are a lot of "healthy" parts still working....one thing to realize, and it's so very hard is that this takes so long to process and heal from all this..but look back to the first year or two after bomb drop and see how very far you have come.

Looking forward to hearing how the new year goes...each day is a "new day" and I focus on what each day brings and try not to think too far ahead (although the anxiety I have often messes with my head on that).