[MadLuv]

Wow S66- what a huge change on your binge eating. I quit smoking cold turkey and picked it back up for 2 weeks after I realized 10mth after my husband got married that he was married. I quit again cold turkey. Those enabling comforts are easy to fall back on. You have a new year to look forward to for change and I think TRUST in the process and in what is meant to be is not a bad way to start!

[Evermore]

Thank you XY and Mad for your support and understanding.
I am not one to make New Year's resolutions but I am picking a word for 2023 that I hope will become my mantra for the coming year.

"Trust"
Trust that what is meant to be will not pass me by.
Trust that the universe knows what is best for me.
Trust in being able to find the fun loving me back.
Trust in me to begin living again.

Trust (not just with MLC) has been my biggest challenge my entire life. There is maybe a handful of people that I fully trust - MLC was one of them and even though he betrayed that trust - I still trust him ...how absurd is that, but he has never been malicious and I understand the life crisis he was in, so I cannot blame him for trying to fix his unhappiness with the only way he knew how...a new shiny supply (even though it wasn't really new to him and no risks were involved).

Many years down the road, I still care about him but I have a life that is mine and that brings me happiness.

I hope to get there one day XYZ as I realize I must get there to not keep wasting my life away. What helped you to find a new purpose and mission in life ? Until now my family was my passion and purpose and with D living her own life and MLC being off to the side......I need something new in my life to fuel my light.

Today marks 93 days of no binge eating. I have had that eating disorder since my father left and while it simmered down during my marriage - it flared back up after BD as I just wanted to numb the pain. On my worst days I could consume 10,000 calories in one hour.
The day of my surgery I decided I want to heal my entire body - not just the old joints and so every time the urge hits....I just sit down and feel the feelings and let it pass. Has it been easy, definitely not and each day is a challenge, but I am hopeful to be able to manage it.

Thank you again XYZ and Mad and I wish you a wonderful New Year !!!

S66, I could have written this right down to the absurdity of still trusting him and the binge eating and the decision to heal myself. I agree with XY’s post below this one, you don’t sound stuck. You sound like you are slowly healing yourself.  Very deep gaping wounds need to heal from the inside out and take a very long time. If they just scab over, they fester under the scab. Slice wounds can be stitched back together and they heal more quickly. So different wounds take different time to heal. Maybe it’s that way for people in these circumstances as well? For some the slice is deep but clean and the wound can heal quicker. For others the wound is a gaping mushed up mess and it just takes a bit longer. But with good wound care, healing does eventually happen. Wishing you ‘good healing’ in 2023 xx

[Schratz66]

Thanks Mad, XY and Ever......you truly are the best !!!

My therapist suggested that my new purpose for now could be 'healing'. Healing not just from MLC chaos but mainly from childhood trauma that was ripped back open. I think I like that as a purpose for now.

Whatever else may come from here on out in my life - I will never be ready to handle it until I am healed in body and mind. I want to be one of those old ladies that is just happy with being alive and seeing another day and be amazed at all the beautiful things around me.

My therapist also asked me if I had any regrets in life and I thought about that for a moment and I actually do not have any regrets. The people I love have always known what they meant to me and to me that is what life is about. Some people may have wished they would have never met their MLC, but I am still glad we met and had so many great years and I do not have any ill feelings toward him. I have empathy and truly feel sorry that his internal chaos is so big and I wish he would realize that nothing external will help him feel better about himself, but that is a journey that is up to him.

So, all in all I am in a good place at the moment.......now that my change...lol......Jan 16th was supposed to be our date he wanted back last summer......I will not contact him so if he contacts me then I will meet him but I am also ok if he does not reach out. I am trusting in the infinite wisdom of the universe.

Still have not fallen off the wagon with my binging - Day 102 now and I have to say it feels great to not be a slave to an addiction. I realize and am prepared to maybe stumble along this road of recovery but I like how I feel.

Thank you again for all your support.....

[FaithWalker]

Gentle reminder that it's time for a new thread and to close out this one S66.

I like your word for 2023 and although I try not to make resolutions as I'm rubbish at them, I am trying to be better about my health as well.

[Evermore]

Thanks Mad, XY and Ever......you truly are the best !!!

My therapist suggested that my new purpose for now could be 'healing'. Healing not just from MLC chaos but mainly from childhood trauma that was ripped back open. I think I like that as a purpose for now.

Whatever else may come from here on out in my life - I will never be ready to handle it until I am healed in body and mind. I want to be one of those old ladies that is just happy with being alive and seeing another day and be amazed at all the beautiful things around me.

My therapist also asked me if I had any regrets in life and I thought about that for a moment and I actually do not have any regrets. The people I love have always known what they meant to me and to me that is what life is about. Some people may have wished they would have never met their MLC, but I am still glad we met and had so many great years and I do not have any ill feelings toward him. I have empathy and truly feel sorry that his internal chaos is so big and I wish he would realize that nothing external will help him feel better about himself, but that is a journey that is up to him.

So, all in all I am in a good place at the moment.......now that my change...lol......Jan 16th was supposed to be our date he wanted back last summer......I will not contact him so if he contacts me then I will meet him but I am also ok if he does not reach out. I am trusting in the infinite wisdom of the universe.

Still have not fallen off the wagon with my binging - Day 102 now and I have to say it feels great to not be a slave to an addiction. I realize and am prepared to maybe stumble along this road of recovery but I like how I feel.

Thank you again for all your support.....

I'm going to sneak in before your thread is closed S66 to say that I love your update (you sound fabulous!). As usual, I agree with your 'I have no regrets' feelings re your H and your many years together; and also re your empathy for his chaos. I'm so glad you're in a good place and feel great at the moment. I was just making myself a cup of tea at work and thinking exactly the same thing. The past month has been a real struggle, so it was really nice to think 'hmmm, I feel pretty good again today, it's all 'way over there' again, yay!'. See ya in your next thread! Xx

[UrsaMajor]

Schratz,

FaithWalker was nice about it but now.... The Bear is back from holiday.... 



You need a new thread please...

[Schratz66]

Thank you all for following and thank you Ursa and Faith for the reminder

Here is the link to my new thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=12026