[MomOfSteel]

Hi all.  I could use insight and support.  My H has been pulling away for about a year.  Bought 2 new cars, lost weight, exercises like a mad man, changing appearance.  This past summer he seems to be resentful and pulls away more.  Right before Labor Day he drops the bomb of EA.  I think we are trying to work on things for about a month.  He keeps going back to AP who he works with and is his soulmate and I get the I don’t love you anymore, I haven’t for a long time, I felt like I had to marry you.  (After 17 years and 4 kids, who are still fairly small). He continues to say and do horrible things until he moves out in November while I visit his family with the kids.  His whole family is appalled and tries to talk him out of it.  His and our mutual friends and his best friend since age 15 try to talk him out of it.  He won’t listen to anyone.  He’s just trying to find happiness and isn’t happy so of course everything is all my fault.  His whole personality has changed overnight.  He’s turning his back on his faith he has held dear his whole life.   I realize now those well meaning people probably just pushed him away even more.  He now has no relationship with his family or me or my family.  I believe he moved on from an EA to FA as soon as he moved out.  Filed for divorce early December and now we are in the process of dissolving our marriage.  I’m heartbroken, he’s been so cruel.  I’m having a hard time detaching.  I want to reconcile, he says he just doesn’t want to and I could never forgive him then tells me how pathetic I am. I’ve basically stopped communication except when it’s about the kids and he only communicates when he wants something.  If we end up on the phone, he will talk a long time and often seems to want to complain about his mom or wants to know what is happening with his family and wants my insights on things.  It only happens maybe once a month.  I am not sure what to really do at this point.  Where do I go from here? 

[xyzcf]

Welcome to Hero's Spouse' I am sorry you are having to go through this

His whole personality has changed overnight. 
He’s turning his back on his faith he has held dear his whole life.   
I realize now those well meaning people probably just pushed him away even more.
I’m heartbroken, he’s been so cruel.

Going through a divorce when none of this is in your control is very painful.  Making sure that you are financially protected is essential though. Sometimes we have to separate the business from the emotional part of this.

You have been though a huge shock and it will take some time to get through this. It sounds like you have some family support. You may also want to see a therapist.

Concrete things that help are exercising, especially outdoors, journalling, reading RCR's articles which help to explain what is happening..those who love us often don't get that something changed our spouses. Getting enough sleep, eating well and perhaps finding something that you enjoy doing will all help you.

I don't think that well meaning people have pushed him further away. This is what he feels he needs to do and it won't matter a bit what family and freinds say...he will do what he feels he must do.

If you too find your faith helpful there are a couple of good resources:

Brokenheart on Hold by Linda Rooks
Lysa Terkeurst's devotionals and book "It's not supposed to be this way"
Rejoice Ministries Charlyene Cares daily devotionals.

This is his crisis and really has to do with something internal in him...it isn't about you or your marriage but it does affect you.

Detaching is not easy and you have children involved.  It sounds like he contacts you...we label these as "clinging boomerangers" and it's ok to have contact with him as long as you can deal with it. It can also give you some insight into what is going on in him. But it  isn't easy so some people feel it best to cut all contact with them. That is totally your decision and can change from one day to the next.

Ask questions and others will be by to give you some support.

Where do I go from here?

You start a journey of your own, finding who you are without him and who you wish to be. It isn't easy and you need a great deal of patience with yourself but you will get there.

[Nas]

I’m sorry to hear your story, LandB. It all resonates (except I don’t have kids, but the rest was so similar).
I don’t know where you live or if a legal separation agreement is possible there, but among other things, this is something you might want to look into and consider. Protect yourself financially as best you can, both in terms of current assets and any possible future debt he may accrue. I know it’s hard to even think about this right now, but protecting yourself and your kids is priority number one.

The affair is a huge and painful part of this and understandably it’s the thing we tend to focus the most on. We think if the affair would just end, they might start to behave somewhat normally again and be responsible and care about consequences. Please know that the affair isnt your fault, but there’s nothing you can do to end it. I had something similar where a lot of people in my life tried to talk some sense into him. They don’t listen. He’s already proven he’s not willing to listen to anyone, so any attempts are likely only going to agitate him. Right now, you are best served to try to figure out what you need for your kids and make sure first and foremost that you all are OK.

You’ll find support here. No one can change the circumstances you find yourself in or take away the pain, but we all do you know what you’re going through and sometimes that alone is a small comfort during this really hard time. I’m sorry you’ve found yourself here.

[MomOfSteel]

Thank you both.  Knowing someone else has or is going through it and understands is helpful.  Financially I think we are going to be okay as H is a fairly high income earner.  Right now he’s giving me an allowance that at least pays the bills.  Once I get some paperwork in, we can file for temporary support for the duration of the divorce and I should get more which should make it more comfortable.  Luckily for me, I’m the one that knows how to access all the joint accounts, not him and I have put some money into accounts he can’t access at all just in case. 

I am heavily leaning on my faith right now as it feels like the only thing other than my kids to ground me and give me hope. 

I very much wish his affair would end.  I’m sure it will at some point, this person has already had multiple failed marriages/ engagements and how either could really trust the other I have no idea.  He has expressed that he wishes he had done more sexually before marriage and I guess he’s trying to live out that fantasy now. 

Is it really clinging/boomerang if he only talks to me about divorce paperwork and the kids?  With the kids, it’s minimal contact and when he calls to talk to them I usually hand the phone directly to them.  He’s blocked me on social media and doesn’t follow me anymore either.

He tells me how happy he is and despite his mom telling him he feels guilty that he feels no guilt at all.  Can this really be true?  It seems that someone who is really happy wouldn’t be cruel and wouldn’t need to tell everyone how happy they are.  He also has a therapist who is justifying what he is doing. 

How long do they typically get stuck in the replay stage?  It seems where he is right now trying to find himself and finally figuring out who he is and not just do what he’s supposed to. 

How do these people justify turning their back on their kids?  Kids I know he deeply loves.  How do I help my kids through this?  I don’t want to alienate them from their dad, but realize I can’t just cover up all his sins or lie to them.  They are smart and even the 8 yo told his younger sister she shouldn’t believe the garbage that dad tells her. 

[xyzcf]

Is it really clinging/boomerang if he only talks to me about divorce paperwork and the kids?

He may or may not be. Time will tell. Some MLCers completely vanish and you never hear from them. It doesn't matter really although sometimes having a clinger makes it very confusing.

He tells me how happy he is and despite his mom telling him he feels guilty that he feels no guilt at all.  Can this really be true?

Yes. We think they should feel tremendous guilt for what they are doing but somehow they do not seem to feel "guilt"..then again they don't feel much of anything.

How long do they typically get stuck in the replay stage?

There really is no answer to this. Although there are "stages" I would suggest not to get hung up on them or any specific time frames because it is very different for each case.

How do these people justify turning their back on their kids?  Kids I know he deeply loves.  How do I help my kids through this?  I don’t want to alienate them from their dad, but realize I can’t just cover up all his sins or lie to them.

Some have said that they revert to a time in their lives before they were married and had children...so may not even "accept" that they have kids. This is what differentiates MLC to me. In some marriages that end, both parents make a real effort to have regular visitation with the children and remain committed to their lives. MLCer turn away and may not see their children often or care much about them.

You help your kids by becoming whole and healthy. That's hard because you are hurting so much and your energy levels are low. They are helped to know that you are going to be with them, and that you are still a family. They may also benefit from therapy at some point.

They don't need to know all the details about what is happening with their father and that is a fine line between being honest but not always sharing things that might not be age appropriate for them.
 

I am heavily leaning on my faith right now as it feels like the only thing other than my kids to ground me and give me hope.

I know that I listen to God's voice. I take comfort in His care and love for me and I try very hard to trust in His plan for my life. I live very much by scripture  "love one another as I have loved you"..Christ tells us to love those who hurt us, those who are our enemies. I have found this to be the best way for me to deal with this.

I know that something is very wrong with my husband and the only thing I can continue to do is to love him unconditionally and with agape love. This is not the "world's way" but my faith has lead me to do this...and in the midst of my deepest pain, Our Lord has shown me that he is with me and sees every tear.

Rejoice Ministries helped me a great deal to love this way...and I am grateful on many levels, to be at peace as much as possible with what has happened.

[JohnnyBravo]

Hi, L&B

Sorry to see you here, but you're in the right place. I'm a newbie (this all started for me last April), but there is a lot of support here. A moderator named OldPilot will be along soon to post a list of articles to get you started, but reading the articles does seem to help. The site owner, RollerCoasterRider, is starting her "Detach and Thrive" class again soon, which I found helpful. It includes live Zoom group sessions, so you can talk with others who are going through this.

Hang in there,

JB

[Pacman]

LB sorry to see you her, I too, like JB am a newbie. BD June 2021.
There are a lot of "veterans" here who will give you some great advice.

One thing that is constantly reinforced is take some time for yourself and look after you.

[5hilmerton]

Following your journey,
5hil

[Standing Strong]

Hi LB,

So sorry you're going thru this.

Going to be a lot of dark times, but it will get better. Lots of great insight from others already.
Something that helps is to journal all the time.

Hold on, you're going to be ok. 

-SS

[Imgood]

Hi LB, I’m a newbie here. I haven’t posted much but I’m always on here reading the articles and threads of others. My advice is to let the tears fall, you have to go through it. You have to let yourself feel your pain. For me, so far, that was the worst part and I experienced that for a couple of months after bomb drop but then day by day, I detached and got stronger and stronger and you will too. I am at the point now and have been, where I know that either way, I’m going to be alright and for me, that was a huge relief. In the beginning, I wanted nothing more than to reconcile and have him move back home. That is no longer how I feel. If he were to come to me tomorrow and want to move back home, the answer would be no. I would never let him just move, right back in. I’m open to reconciling but I’m in no rush and it’s a great place to be! I’m sorry you find yourself here but hang in there! On this site, you will receive love, support, guidance, advice and when needed 2x4’s! This is an amazing community of people!