Good questions but I am not sure there are any clear cut answers. There are patterns perhaps, but each MLC is different, each marriage and family is different. We often try and resolve life's challenges with communication, therapy, reading self help books. Trying to find ways to "fix it". And often that is effective. Not so with MLC.
I’m pretty sure I made things worse and wonder if he would at least still be in the house
Any reactions we had with bomb drop and beyond were normal for what was being thrown at us. You did not make things worse. He is having a crisis and you could not stop it, and I really believe that it would not have mattered the circumstances, who he was married to, he still would have had a crisis.
Some MLCer's do not leave home but that doesn't make things better. A member from many years ago who I am good friends with, her husband moved into their basement and lived several years there before he moved out. He would just come and go as he pleased and didn't really have any better relationship with his kids then he did once he moved away.
How do you deal with the anxiety and the constant thoughts of them?
Sometimes, it is necessary to take medication. Lots of exercise and activities that can take your mind off him and the situation. I have never been successful at controlling my thoughts about him. I think about him every day but those thoughts don't upset me the way they once did. I think facing the reality of what has happened and the thoughts are essential for our healing to occur. A therapist may be able to help you do this..but it will take time and there are always triggers. The way your body responds to these triggers will determine how well you feel.
Yoga and meditation can be helpful in calming the body's response to trauma.
For those of you who have gone throughout divorce what do you wish you knew at the beginning?
I wish I knew that he would not care about my well being. He was the one wanting out of the marriage. I mistakenly assumed that he would be willing to still make sure I was ok. That was not the case. I was so shocked by all this that I did not push harder for a settlement that I should have had, although I was fortunate to get what I did.
Sometimes people say let them own the divorce and don't do anything to "help"..I think this is a mistake. It is vital that we take responsibility to protect our families and our financial security. They are not going to "love us more" because we don't fight for what is necessary to live.
Do you tell you MLC if the kids want to talk to them because they miss him or do you just let it be?
It probably won't change anything but if you want to tell him this go ahead and do so. So often the LBSer feels that they must not do this or say that....afraid of making things worse.
The problem is, they are not just leaving us, they leave their children as well. Eventually, what I have seen is that even if they never return to us, often they will make attempts to be involved on some level with their children...but not all do. Some walk away and don't really take on responsibility for their kids.
Others will add some reflections. My daughter was an adult when this happened and was not living with us, so it is different then when you have younger kids.