[Reinventing]

I agree that people don't push the MLCer away or closer. The MLCer is on a very stubborn path. Some MLCers report that it is like they are watching themselves on a movie screen. Many say that they feel that they HAVE to do this. That they will die otherwise.

One thing that helped me was to limit conversations with the MLCer, and if needed, to converse about very practical things only because their excuses are really their rationalizations at that moment and can cause a lot of long-term pain for you. And they mean nothing. The MLCer will saying anything to rationalize what they are doing since what they are doing is not rational. If you can protect your psyche from that, it is better for you in the short and long run.

Their "new" life is a big source of dopamine and like a drug addiction they will do anything to keep it and defend it.

[MomOfSteel]

I really wish I would have found these forums and information right after the BD.  I’m pretty sure I made things worse and wonder if he would at least still be in the house.  How do you stop beating yourself up over mistakes you have made?  My H is the type that when he decides something he usually doesn’t turn back.  I wonder if that is how this will be as well.  How do you deal with the anxiety and the constant thoughts of them?  For those of you who have gone throughout divorce what do you wish you knew at the beginning?  Do you tell you MLC if the kids want to talk to them because they miss him or do you just let it be?  My H at least seems to want to maintain some relationship with the kids, even though it only amounts to a couple weekends a month and a phone call or two a week.  Do I encourage more interaction with them or just let him drive it?  My oldest two don’t particularly want to bother because they are hurt but the younger two are really don’t get it.

[xyzcf]

Good questions but I am not sure there are any clear cut answers. There are patterns perhaps, but each MLC is different, each marriage and family is different. We often try and resolve life's challenges with communication, therapy, reading self help books. Trying to find ways to "fix it". And often that is effective. Not so with MLC.

I’m pretty sure I made things worse and wonder if he would at least still be in the house

Any reactions we had with bomb drop and beyond were normal for what was being thrown at us. You did not make things worse. He is having a crisis and you could not stop it, and I really believe that it would not have mattered the circumstances, who he was married to, he still would have had a crisis.

Some  MLCer's do not leave home but that doesn't make things better. A member from many years ago who I am good friends with, her husband moved into their basement and lived several years there before he moved out. He would just come and go as he pleased and didn't really have any better relationship with his kids then he did once he moved away.

How do you deal with the anxiety and the constant thoughts of them?

Sometimes, it is necessary to take medication. Lots of exercise and activities that can take your mind off him and the situation. I have never been successful at controlling my thoughts about him. I think about him every day but those thoughts don't upset me the way they once did. I think facing the reality of what has happened and the thoughts are essential for our healing to occur. A therapist may be able to help you do this..but it will take time and there are always triggers. The way your body responds to these triggers will determine how well you feel.

Yoga and meditation can be helpful in calming the body's response to trauma.

For those of you who have gone throughout divorce what do you wish you knew at the beginning?

I wish I knew that he would not care about my well being. He was the one wanting out of the marriage. I mistakenly assumed that he would be willing to still make sure I was ok. That was not the case. I was so shocked by all this that I did not push harder for a settlement that I should have had, although I was fortunate to get what I did.

Sometimes people say let them own the divorce and don't do anything to "help"..I think this is a mistake. It is vital that we take responsibility to protect our families and our financial security. They are not going to "love us more" because we don't fight for what is necessary to live.

Do you tell you MLC if the kids want to talk to them because they miss him or do you just let it be? 

It probably won't change anything but if you want to tell him this go ahead and do so. So often the LBSer feels that they must not do this or say that....afraid of making things worse.

The problem is, they are not just leaving us, they leave their children as well. Eventually, what I have seen is that even if they never return to us, often they will make attempts to be involved on some level with their children...but not all do. Some walk away and don't really take on responsibility for their kids.

Others will add some reflections. My daughter was an adult when this happened and was not living with us, so it is different then when you have younger kids.

[Ready2Transform]

I’m pretty sure I made things worse and wonder if he would at least still be in the house.  How do you stop beating yourself up over mistakes you have made?

Acceptance comes, but know that you really didn't make any mistakes. You behaved as any normal person would given the situation! All of us have likely had that same exact thought at some point, but ultimately none of us were responsible for whether they decided to go or not. And having them in the house, in most cases, is years of crazy-making. You and your children are not in the position of having to constantly gauge his moods and respond accordingly, which would be far more detrimental than all of you being a support system for each other like you are now.

How do you deal with the anxiety and the constant thoughts of them?

It will not always be this way - know that. But it felt to me at the time that I had a "broken brain" when I could no longer think like myself because of the ruminating and burning feeling I constantly walked around with. It made me feel more weak and vulnerable. How could I have been an intelligent, strong woman one day, then bam! Within one BD conversation I end up co-dependent and tragic for years? Years later I found a piece on the concept of "Complicated Grief" (it's worth the google) and it made what happen make more sense. It shares a lot in common with C-PTSD. I back up everything xyz said on methods of getting through it. Make your self-care on this one of your biggest priorities, and you'll be able, as you get some coping mechanisms in place, to see the situation from a different perspective and make choices in line with that. It's a gradual improvement, and be kind to yourself throughout because this is no small thing you've been thrust into, but a hill that's definitely worth climbing.

For those of you who have gone throughout divorce what do you wish you knew at the beginning?

I also back xyz up on this one, especially this part:

Sometimes people say let them own the divorce and don't do anything to "help"..I think this is a mistake. It is vital that we take responsibility to protect our families and our financial security. They are not going to "love us more" because we don't fight for what is necessary to live.

If divorce is imminent, you put yourself at a disservice if you're not an active player in your family's future. I had a lazy lawyer, and reconciliation was more important to me than equity. I ended up saddled with all of the joint debt, went through bankruptcy and mortgage drama that I could never have imagined happening. Even if you're not the one to file (but if it makes more sense for you to do it, DO IT), make no assumptions that this is a team effort to make you and your kids whole. Surround yourself with friends and family who love you, and let them be your rock when your H is not. You have all been casualty enough to his crisis. Best case scenario for reconciliation - if he does cycle back and out of his crisis to return to the family, you have protected the assets and what you have built together to the best of your ability. I too think that's a better take on it than letting it be "their" divorce out of an emotional principle. It doesn't seem from what I've seen for the past ten years I've been on this forum that it makes a bit of difference in reconciliation to let them helm it.

Big hugs to you. You will be able to handle whatever comes at you throughout this, know that. But on days where it feels like you can't, lean on us here.

[5hilmerton]

Hey LeftandB,
pretty sure we all made mistakes trying to fix what we did not know was broken.  Being blindsided with the BD will send anyone spinning into uncharted territory.

What i have learned, from BD for the next undetermined amount of years,  we are not dealing with the man or woman we fell in love with.  That person has basically been banished and the new person is like an evil twin.  Even when we see what we hope is them coming out, it's like the evil twin pushes them back down into the dark tunnel.

You will hear and read so much wonderful information and a lot that will leave you scratching your head. Don't let all of the information drag you down into a sink hole.  You may use it and you may not.  Or you may just bank it for later.  There is no quick fix and what works for one may not work for you.  Don't doubt yourself, this is his journey to travel and your time to grow.

5hil

[MomOfSteel]

Thank you all for your insights and support.  I am in therapy which helps some.  I am not very patient.  Has anyone tried EMDR?  Someone suggested it might be helpful for the trauma of the betrayal.  I have yet to talk to anyone who has actually done it though. 

I saw on some midlife crisis website, I don’t even know where at this point that you shouldn’t talk to their family.  I’m super close to his family and am wondering why this would be a bad thing.  They also feel betrayed by his actions. 

[Reinventing]

Some have found that blood is thicker than water in the end. Even though the in-laws disagree with the MLCer's choices, they have to craft a relationship with him and eventually have OW as part of it, more often than not.

So eventually the LBS can feel that the in-laws have accepted OW as a replacement of themselves and have a lot of hurt feelings.

[UrsaMajor]

Good Morning L&B,

Welcome to the party to which no one EVER wanted an invitation. I am glad that you have found us but sorry that you needed to. What you describe in terms of your STBXW sounds like he has taken the script right out of "How to have a Mid-Life Crisis for Dummies" and is following it to the letter...

With respect to "making mistakes" and pushing him farther away, you could have set off a nuke in his underwear and it would not have made the slightest difference. No matter what you were to do or say, the Mid-Lifer is off on their own journey. It is NOT your crisis, it is NOT your fault and there is absolutely NOTHING that you could have done, can do or did that would have made any difference in the long term.... Therefore, the best advice that I can give is to do what you need to do for YOU and your kids. They are going to need you as you will be the "stable and consistent" person in their lives going forward. The Mid-Lifer MAY (or may not,  some do, some don't - particularly & unfortunately - the male MLC'ers) do the occasional "Daddy-Drive-By" but it is nothing that you can really count on... Actually, the one and ONLY thing that you can count on with a Mid-Lifer is that they can NOT be counted on for ANYTHING... The person formerly known as "Spouse" has been replaced with an alien that LOOKS like Spouse but has absolutely NOTHING in common with them...

Regarding STBXH's family, it is a hard call. We (the LBS) can be close to their family but, after the Mid-Lifer starts spinning their story, the family falls away and sides with the Mid-Lifer. By the same token, there are others here that are closer to the family of the Mid-Lifer than the Mid-Lifer themselves because the MLC'er has burned all those bridges.  It is really like dancing through a minefield

As far as EMDR goes, Treasur has had some significant experience with it as a way out of PSTD....

This is a community of people who have all, in some form or another, been through what you are going through. We will all have advice and some of it will be contradictory as we have all experienced the trip down MLC Lane differently so take what feels right and works for you and what doesn't you can leave at the door. In addition, we have members from all over the world (I am in Germany for example) so the odds are good that whenever you post, someone will be around and will answer relatively quickly.

UM

[Songanddance]

Thank you all for your insights and support.  I am in therapy which helps some.  I am not very patient.  Has anyone tried EMDR?  Someone suggested it might be helpful for the trauma of the betrayal.  I have yet to talk to anyone who has actually done it though. 

I saw on some midlife crisis website, I don’t even know where at this point that you shouldn’t talk to their family.  I’m super close to his family and am wondering why this would be a bad thing.  They also feel betrayed by his actions.

EMDR - yes me and it worked brilliantly. However it was for a long standing trauma.  EMDR really helps but it isn't a cure. It just helps you re-process and conceptualise what happened.  I think it is too soon for you to receive this as your BD and feelings of betrayal need to be processed and the tears need to fall and the pain and distress needs to be felt.

Let me explain why. Five months after BD I was an unmitigated mess. I found a therapist (she saved me). She helped me with lots of strategies and techniques.  She used EMDR on me when I was getting upset about how I lost my dad way back in 1997.  She helped me realise that his final actions of squeezing my hand minutes before he lost consciousness was his way of allowing me to say goodbye. Up until then I had always felt it was saying goodbye but I couldn't reconcile myself to it. I couldn't cope with the fact that I hadn't said goodbye to him either.  The EMDR re-processed that memory so that it still remained but the perception of how we said goodbye altered slightly.

I asked her to use EMDR on me for all the triggers I was having post BD and she refused because she believed I had to process my emotions and understanding of what happened to me first. It was not the right thing to try and change my perception of what H had done and it wouldn't take the pain or memory away.  However she gave me some amazing techniques to use to help deal with the triggers and the intensity of my emotion.

Talking with his family has to be a choice for you and not some generic decision. Some members of the family may be supportive but be careful how much you dump on them or discuss H and what he has done to the N'th degree. Some members of the family will block you or ignore you - leave them to it. You will not be able to change their minds.

My H's brother was supportive and trod a really good line being kind to H and friendly with him as he was with me but he never wanted to discuss what had happened in any detail. That was ok with me.

H's half sisters kept well out of it.  Although there was one occasion where I met the oldest one and she couldn't really look me in the eye and I felt like a pariah.  I later learned though that the middle sister tacitly supported me (and had berated H frequently)  but just kept out of it.

That's what you need, family that will support you, be kind and friendly but they will also help the situation by keeping a healthy distance so that H has little ammunition against you and your children will be able to still see those members of the family (if you want them to)

BTW - I'm nearly 9 years post BD and H and I haven't reconciled ; we have reconnected but H doesn't want to commit to the marriage and so we are mutually separating. H was a stay at home high replayer with OW for 3.5 years. It's a been a long road and you are in the right place for fantastic help.  My advice - become a student of MLC. Read and re-read as much as you can of the articles on here and others. All of us on here know exactly what you are going through and we are here to support you.

[MomOfSteel]

Thank you for the EMDR insights.  It makes sense that it probably isn’t something to use until further out in the process.  I feel desperate for relief from the emotions of all this.  Other than exercise, self care and therapy, are there techniques people have found helpful? 

It’s interesting with family.  My MLCer has effectively burned bridges with his whole family.  I should probably be more guarded but they all feel like he abandoned them as well. 

It really does feel like his body is being inhabited by an alien.  It’s hard when occasionally he uses a nickname or says something that it’s almost like the old him.  He really has just gone down the midlife crisis checklist though and done it all.  For someone so intelligent he seems…. Like a complete idiot.  It’s like he’s flying by the seat of his pants and making decision after decision with huge consequences on a whim without thinking of what the repercussions will be.  He also seems to have a therapist that helps him justify his actions. 

Other people I’ve talked to who have talked to him say he has enough self awareness to say he knows what he’s doing is wrong, he just doesn’t really care right now.  It seems like that would fit with someone who feels like they are watching themselves and almost an out of body experience. 

I can’t believe how long some of you have been dealing with the MLC.  I wish there was a more predictable timeline and outcome for all of this.  I hate feeling like I don’t know which way is up after all the gaslighting and garbage.