[KellBell]

Make the best use of the time the divorce process gives you. For you and the children. H needs to learn to do things on his own. I remember the day after my H moved out- he texted me  a picture of a shirt and pants and asked me if they went together. I was like WTH? Are you serious? And even now- he tries to get me to do things for him. He needed help filing insurance stuff- I always used to do it. Nope. I'm sorry. But not my job anymore. And quite frankly too busy dealing with other things. Could I do it- yes. Would it be difficult- no. But it's a boundary. And it's confusing and silly and we still love them and want to be helpful. So it's just a mess. Just try to distance yourself. Because we can't 'nice' them back. And honestly they are just asking us to do it for them because they are being lazy. Not because they value us, our time or the way we do it.

gaslighting- yup! You will become an expert at recognizing it and it will be annoying and stupid. And sometimes you will question just how old they really are.

Remember it's still ok to cry and break down. It takes time...and it can sneak up on you. You will begin to notice that thoughts, sadness and emotional breaks start to space out. And hours of no contact become days and even weeks. In 25 years I've never gone a day without talking to my H and literally overnight he went to complete nothing. No response. Cold. And the silence is just gut wrenching. I did notice early on though that talking about us and our marriage and what he was doing would send him into radio silence. Talking about stupid stuff can get him on a 20 minute rant and then he texts regularly like old times. It's a weird dynamic. Anyway use this time to process your emotions. There is no doubt he's being stupid and selfish and a jerk. MLC or not. And YOU would be a good person even if you didn't progress, but you can grow and learn and come out an even better version of yourself and that's our upside. A chance to really focus on ourselves, what we want, need and hope to do and it's well deserved 'me time'.

[barbiedoll]

I remember the day after my H moved out- he texted me  a picture of a shirt and pants and asked me if they went together. I was like WTH? Are you serious?

.

It boggles the brain does it not ?   Who can possibly make any sense of that?  Mine was just as insane . The day after he moved out he text  at 7 am and said " do you still want me to bring your morning coffee?. "   

[Treasur]

In this stage he is not capable of giving you the responses and emotions you want, need or deserve. You will get no answers. You will get no apologies. You won't get common sense.

I would agree with this in my own experience too.
Tbh my xh got nastier and more ridiculous and irrational after he filed. For the divorce he apparently wanted so much. My best guess is that the process tends to demand some adulting and has some practical consequences they don’t much like.
Looking back it took me about a year to get in my bones that the above quote was reality and to refuse to interact with him directly bc it took a huge toll on my wellbeing. And it was futile tbh, absolutely futile. Nothing I did made any difference and he was so irrational and lied so much that even the simplest of arrangements or agreements became impossible. And he STILL dragged his feet legally, lying to his own lawyer, to mine, while complaining about how stressful it all was and as if the legal process came as a big shock to him. Ah, crazy days  But just to warn you that filing does not mean he will be much cop at following through or that you can trust anything much that he says. And of course often there is an ow in the mix with her own agenda who doesn’t care about what happens to you or your kids  It’s hard to change our expectations, I know, but wise to keep them very low.

I’d agree with others too about limiting contact. One of the practical implications of divorce that seems to come as a bit of a surprise to these folks is that they have fired you from your old job of paying much attention to their opinion of anything including you  And it’s a pretty normal boundary in life that if another adult won’t speak civilly to you as a bare minimum, you are under no obligation to speak to them at all.

So, do what is legally, financially and emotionally best for you and your children. No more, no less.

[forthetrees]

Harriet Lerner PhD wrote a book called The Dance of Anger and it would explain the dynamic of him getting pissy when you enforce a boundary or don´t do what you used to do for him.

[MomOfSteel]

Thank you for the book recommendation, I will look into it.  I got a message shortly after my last post angry his lawyer hadn’t gotten my response yet.  I’m working on controlling my own response.  I realize that he has expected me to regulate his emotions and I’ve felt responsible for his unhappiness for a long time.  Those codependent habits are really hard to break.  It makes me feel like I have done something wrong even though in my head I know I haven’t. 

I don’t think he will legally drag his feet.  I get the impression he thinks his guilt will go away after divorce and right now since I am obviously the cause of all his problems in life he can’t wait to be rid of me.  There is just so much anger there. 

[JohnnyBravo]

Hmm, I do think you are onto something with him trying to convince me that the divorce is best for both of us.

Even though my wife has been mild on the monster scale, she said something similar: "Once you get past the hurt, you'll realize that you don't like me very much." While we certainly had differences, that's a bunch of baloney; more likely her not liking herself very much.

[MomOfSteel]

Yeah, I’ve gotten the “in the end this will be better for everyone” and “you will eventually be happier” and “you could never forgive me”.   

The mental gymnastics the MLCer must perform is really quite the feat.  I honestly just don’t understand how they convince themselves all these lies are true.  I also find it funny someone who is so “happy” is not nicer and has to go around telling everyone how they are so happy.  The dead look in his eyes certainly doesn’t seem consistent with someone who is very happy. 

It also is so strange to me that someone who wants to be admired and respected can just make these decisions and not realize that the only one who doesn’t see through it is the OP.  Losing respect and in this case their relationships with their whole extended family, immediate family and lifelong friends is somehow worth this new image and happiness they seem to be chasing. 

If nothing else I am at least starting to realize that there were some unhealthy patterns we had fallen into.  Having distance has at least made me realize there are things that I should not tolerate in the future whether that is with H or someone else. 

I won’t get common sense, isn’t that the truth.  I feel like the contradictions, both in words and behavior as well as just some really stupid, rash out of character decisions is the new normal.  If I wasn’t living through the repercussions it would almost be amusing sometimes at how ridiculous some of it is.

[UrsaMajor]

I realize that he has expected me to regulate his emotions and I’ve felt responsible for his unhappiness for a long time.  Those codependent habits are really hard to break.  It makes me feel like I have done something wrong even though in my head I know I haven’t. 

If you were to look up the textbook definition in RCRs writings about "Riding/Getting off the Rollercoaster" and "What 'Detaching' REALLY means", this is it. Detaching means divesting yourself of the responsibility for the mental stability/well-being of another human being (which is, in and of itself, and exercise doomed to failure because one human can NEVER be responsible for maintaining the emotional state of another human). It is breaking the exact patterns/habits that you described above.

In my experience (as is often said here "a sample of one"), once xW1 began to comprehend that she was responsible for her own mental state and that I was no longer going to be available to do that job, her Monster ramped up to epic proportions.

JB also has a VERY good point and is spot on when he said

Even though my wife has been mild on the monster scale, she said something similar: "Once you get past the hurt, you'll realize that you don't like me very much." While we certainly had differences, that's a bunch of baloney; more likely her not liking herself very much.

The Mid-Lifer usually has a horribly low self-esteem so, for some, when they go into crisis, they flip to the complete opposite end of the spectrum and become so breathtakingly arrogant that hanging them by their toes from the ceiling fan and using them for a Piñata becomes a viable option. Others crawl into their depression-hole-in-the-ground-pity-party and wallow there for years, blaming everyone and everything for their circumstances (except, of course, themselves for their own choices.

My personal experience with xW2's D (Yeah, I hit the jackpot and found TWO MLC'ers in the making   ) was that, it took her 2 years to file and, once she did, I returned my paperwork to the courts within a week or two after they were requested. It took her 2 YEARS to finally deliver everything that the court had asked for and one time, the court even asked ME  for the documents. I politely responded that the specific documents requested were regarding the Plaintiff (I was the defendant) and were not in my possession nor could I acquire them... so, all in all, it took 4 years for her to finally do everything that needed to be done. However, xW2 is a low-energy Wallower extraordinaire and monster only appeared a couple of times... Once was when she asked me for some help regarding her dog and I said no because I already had plans. I was no longer at her beck and call and she did not like that one bit.... I had dropped the rope, cut the cord and that ship had left the harbour and she wasn't on it....

FWIW - the "Shark eyes" seems to also be a common physical trend for Mid-Lifers so just another one of those things that ticks a "Is this really an MLC? " box

UM

[Schratz66]

I would say welcome Left, but I know nobody wants to be part of this group and yet here we all are and joining us on this forum is the best decision you ever made. I would not have survived the first year without the kind, caring and wise people on here and as much as we think we had these unique wonderful spouses....somehow they read all the same book, say the same words and are such a cliche that it is sort of sad.

Neither you nor anybody else trying to talk sense into MLC made anything worse. At the beginning I thought I could change his mind somehow or he would see quickly what all he lost and turn around and come back. Almost 5 years out and all I can tell you is that they do what they do because they truly turn back into teenagers and are so self absorbed that it boggles the mind.

So glad you are in therapy....and so glad you are reading.....in my ever obsessive ways and because I knew I could 'fix' him I read I don't know how many books and consumed every ounce of knowledge on the subject.....the word on the forum that I hated the most was Time.....and yet, time is truly the only thing that will make things easier.  Write here often, ask every question that pops in your mind and in those moments where you feel you must contact him....write here instead......we have all been there and we have all survived and we are here to help you through

[MomOfSteel]

I will look up those posts- thanks for the heads up.  Detaching is hard when it’s decades of bad habits.  I do think I’m making progress though and can usually at least recognize that I’m taking responsibility and need to stop.  I am not caving to his tantrums and try to not let him know how much they still bother me.  Hopefully at some point it will become automatic and they won’t bother me.  Baby steps I suppose. 

Cliche is right.  When my neighbor found out the first words out of her mouth were what an $&#% cliche, especially considering his career. 

As I’ve thought about My H MLC I think depression started about 4-5 years ago, he would fit the arrogant description.  He’s depressed but not a wallower.  I think he finally recognizes his depression but I’m pretty sure he thinks that in getting away from me that will magically be cured.  Really though as I think about it, the cause is likely his own failing in one part of his career that happened a few years ago.  It’s like he’s living with imposter syndrome and trying to cure it by becoming an even bigger imposter.  He thinks the reason everyone in his family has tried to tell him he’s making a big mistake is that they are jealous of him and his success.  Most are extremely successful in their own right. 

It’s amazing how just reading other people’s stories of going through this is so helpful.  I don’t feel so alone.  Are there patterns of personality type and whether divorce happened or not that show reconciliation is more likely with certain types of MLCers?   Are there those of you who once you worked on yourself enough decided you’d plain had enough?  After being called pathetic and told I should have more self respect than to want my marriage to work (by H) it makes me question my own feelings.  Why don’t I have more self respect?  I guess I feel like when you make vows they mean something.  If we never reconcile or I end up giving up on that notion, I want to be able to walk away knowing I tried all I could and there wasn’t anything else I could do.  I suppose that will become clear with more time and distance.