[MomOfSteel]

I feel like I’ve lost myself.  Anyone else?  How do you rediscover your own goals and ambitions when for so long you were helping them reach theirs?  I now realize how much I’ve given up over the years and now I feel like I don’t even know where to start.  I need something to occupy more time in a good way.  Ruminating on H’s midlife crisis needs to stop

[HeavenlyFocus]

I feel like I’ve lost myself.  Anyone else?  How do you rediscover your own goals and ambitions when for so long you were helping them reach theirs?  I now realize how much I’ve given up over the years and now I feel like I don’t even know where to start.  I need something to occupy more time in a good way.  Ruminating on H’s midlife crisis needs to stop

I too lost myself as much of my life was dealing with my XW's health issues and supporting the family.  Since BD, I have slowly starting to rediscover myself and have focused more on my life and less on my MLC XW.    It's actually fun to think about new possibilities in my life.    Moving forward and not looking back.

HF

[Ready2Transform]

Just keep reminding yourself, as you navigate through, that these are only feelings that are the result of the shock, trauma, anxiety, and grief this situation causes. *You* are still in there. Your neurotransmitters are racing to adjust to the new normal, and that causes physical changes, emotional changes, and thoughts that don't feel like us. It will get better, and you are doing everything in your own conscious power to help. Proud of you! You are doing all the right things. Big hugs!!

[Imgood]

I don’t know, I think everyone is different. I’ve been separated almost a year and a half and in the beginning, I couldn’t do anything accept think about H and everything that was happening with us. It’s only in the last few months I would say, that I’ve started to think about me and what interests me. I think you first have to get through the shock and then start dealing with the pain. I think when you’re a little further down the road and more detached from all of it, that is when you will just naturally start to think about reconnecting with yourself. In the meantime, be gentle with yourself. Rest when tired. I found it to be extremely, mentally exhausting for a significant period of time.

[UrsaMajor]

I feel like I’ve lost myself.  Anyone else?  How do you rediscover your own goals and ambitions when for so long you were helping them reach theirs?  I now realize how much I’ve given up over the years and now I feel like I don’t even know where to start.  I need something to occupy more time in a good way.  Ruminating on H’s midlife crisis needs to stop

I could write a book on this..... I started off by having to furnish my apartment after the house was sold for myself and my kids after actually FINDING an apartment.... That, in itself was a challenge because I had never lived 100% alone before. I had either been in the Navy so had quarters provided or shared a house with others so only had my own room to deal with. I had no idea what my own tastes in furniture ran to.... so that was a learning experience in itself - Pinterest was a good friend to me at that point to get ideas.

Other than that, there were some things that I had stopped doing to make the marriage work and those were things I took up again - singing in my church choir, actually GOING to church regularly, restarting my studies in Theology... Prior to getting married, I sold my motorcycle so after the ABD and separation, I bought a used one and started riding again (Wind Therapy is a real thing!)....

Basically, think about things that you used to do that have been set aside in your role as W and mom (if applicable) and see if there are any of them that still appeal to you... It may take a bit to get back into the swing of things but it is possible..... Want to start/complete a degree program? DO IT!  Learn a new skill, take up a hobby that has always fascinated you? Try it! You are only limited by your own imagination and your own life so you have the chance to really look at things, rebalance, recover, reform, and re-live!

[MomOfSteel]

I guess I should stop pressuring myself so much right now.  It’s helpful to have that perspective so thank you!  I will reinvest my time in things I used to like and see where that brings me. 

As I’ve been reading through old threads, especially the ones where a MLCer is sharing what they went through it is really helping.  I’m now wondering if when my H says something like, “why would I want to be with you you, bleh bleh bleh” then it’s usually followed up by something like, “and what, you would still want our marriage?” Is he anchor checking in a super mean way?  It’s like he will throw some question out like that every few weeks.  I don’t really know how to respond other than,”you know how I feel”. He usually then tells me I’m pathetic.  How should I respond? 

[MomOfSteel]

Also, since he’s filed already, do I drag things out in the hopes he wakes up or just try to move it along?  We have 4 kids if that matters. 

[barbiedoll]

Hello Left and a belated welcome to HS.  You have some great support and advise as you move forward in this horrible situation. I have read your story and I am indeed sorry that this has happened . I feel breathless when I read your story and can certainly understand how it feels like the air has been sucker-punched out of your life. I felt that way ...we all suffered profoundly . I guess what I mean is that you just need to take deep huge breathes and know that you do not have to decide 1 single thing at this moment. Not 1 . You have the absolute right to stay silent and not respond , to calm yourself and work on selfcare , things that you find pleasure in and ways to settle out of control emotions. A cacoon from crazy ..if you will. Nothing needs to be done at top speed or with any urgency . MLC takes an incredibly long long time . It/he will not go away anytime soon.

Your husband sure meets the criteria for MLC , no question. It will now be a very rough ride , perhaps for years . That time is a gift ( trust me) because living with a man that is in crisis is mentally and emotionally soul sucking . I found my life became just a tiny bit easier when he left...I felt like I was dying with him in the house. Use this time/gift to focus only on you and your children. That will take time to acheive this focus and it will be one of the hardest things to do. Let him blow in the wind and just stay out of his way. This crisis is his and HIS alone and has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with you, your marriage or your family. Something inside of him is broken and the path to "fixing himself" cannot be influenced or controlled by anything you say or do. Nothing. He is not hearing anything you are saying and even if he is , he is twisting it to accomadate his crazy crisis thinking right now.  Save your power and energy for your own life.

Divorce. He filed . Divorce will not change anything if there is a reconcilliation in the future. Some LBS do agree with a fast divorce as the desperation of the MLC'er seems to afford the LBS a far better financial "deal". They are so desperate to escape from their pain that they belive a divorce and getting rid of you ...will set them free and somehow resolve their pain. Of course this is untrue 100% ...but they seem to sign anything to get "unmarried". I know that Tornup divorced very quickly and it worked to her advantage incredibly. Others resfuse to agree to divorce, refuse to sign a thing and basically ignores all attempts of divorcing hoping the crisis ends somehow and a divorce does not happen. My opinion?   You have 4 kids?  Whatever gives you financial security, a child support order and pocession of your home etc etc... has to be # 1 priority . To severe financial responsibilities with him would be a priority because the money and debt they can accumulate is astronomical. You must make sure you can raise kids a keep a roof over their heads . So the decision is yours based on those suggestions. Others will be along with their views as well.

I do hope you have a good therapist trained in trauma . This is trauma Left and many of us ( including me ) have been diagnosed with PTSD. I also have had EMDR and it helped without question.  Take good care of YOU and find ways that you repeatedly respond to your H and his "monster" statements at you. " I am sorry you feel that way, I understand,Uh-huh, I see, " and other such statements. ASK HIM NOTHING . No question marks should be at the end of any sentence ( unless of course it is regarding children).  Nothing. To tell you, that you are pathetic is unacceptable and abusive.  I would not accept that at anytime. It may be as simple as a huge boundary ..." do NOT speak to me like that. That conversation is over until you can talk to me with respect". And end the conversation . Repeat. Repeat . That should not be tolerated . 

Keep posting ...so many good people here that do care very much for you.

[KellBell]

L and B- I've been following along with your story. You aren't far from BD as far as the MLC timeline goes. And honestly, I'm right there with you (only 7 months out). I have absolutely devoured every article I can find regarding MLC just so that I can attempt know what my H is going through.

My take on what your describing and these are just my opinions so do with that what you will:

1)  And if he's filed- I'm guessing he's on a mission. You can attempt to hold things up, but my guess is his mind is made up. You can take your time responding to legal matters, but I fear if you go out of your way to drag it out will only anger him more. How far in the process are you? If there is still time for negotiations- those could take time. And parenting agreements too.

2). I'm sorry he is mean. My H gets angry like a spoiled child but has never said anything mean to me. I can't imagine what you are going through and no one should have to put up with verbal abuse. I would limit contact with him until he can learn boundaries - first and foremost for your emotional well being and sanity. And secondly for your children. They do not need to see or hear their father talking to their mother that way. Boundaries are how you are going to navigate this. And the boundaries are for him; to protect you and the kids from him.

3). I'm not sure he's anchor checking as much as he is just being a spoiled selfish entitled man-child. They say and will continue to say confusing things. Hurtful, mean and confusing things. My H says things like "I'm such a loser - why would you even want to be married to me anyway?" Now there are different ways to look at this. Is he insecure and seeking validation? Possibly. Is he trying to convince himself that I to feel like divorce is the best option and we'd both be better off because why would I want to be with a loser? And thus relieving him of accountability for his actions--- most definitely! I hate that MLCers do it (well honestly there is alot to not like) but the gaslighting and trying to point out why you should see that this marriage was horrible and a dumpster fire too...is top notch crap. So just ignore it.

All of this is easier said than done. We all preach detach and GAL...but holy buckets- it's so so so hard and it takes TIME. I wish it was just a switch, but the heart doesn't work that way. If your H had died (which to some of us it feels like a death) no one would be expecting you to be past the grieving point yet. It's all so raw and real right now. And with kids- that hurt is multiplied and amplified because you can't fix their hurt. Moms an dads are supposed to make things all better for our kids...and in this instance we can't. So our heart breaks all over again for them.

My advice and again take it however you want. Would be to refrain from interactions with H as much as possible. Talk through your attorneys on legal matters. Which is hard because you miss them so much that any contact with them is something. But this will also buy you some time and give you two space. Attorneys have their own schedules. Only talk to him if you have to regarding the kids and visitation. In this stage he is not capable of giving you the responses and emotions you want, need or deserve. You will get no answers. You will get no apologies. You won't get common sense. And you won't get calm, cool and collected. Which isn't fair for us. But that's how it is at this moment and the foreseeable future. Open your mind to accepting those truths. It helps me to think of it as my H 'not being capable' of expressing those things as opposed to not wanting to. By doing that I keep from being overwhelmed with anger and judgement towards him. 

this is a long tough road. And even if we stick by them and stand...the end result that we want is not guaranteed. Trust your gut. First and foremost, put you and the kids first. Your health and happiness comes first. And we can't take care of our children if we neglect ourselves. So self help is a must. If you haven't found a IC or therapist, please do. And even a family counselor for the children. A safe place for them to express how they are feeling. My 10 yo D finds it hard to tell me things- not because she doesn't trust me but because she doesn't want to give me more to deal with and make me more sad. And sometimes they don't even know what they are feeling. Disappointment and grief are BIG emotions for little ones. Just my two cents on the importance of therapy.

if you ever need to talk- message me. I hope something in this mess of words helps.

[MomOfSteel]

Hmm, I do think you are onto something with him trying to convince me that the divorce is best for both of us.  We are just at the beginning of the process.  I haven’t even filed my response to his petition yet, that happens tomorrow then will file for temporary support.  Basically nothing has happened except for him filing.  In our situation I think it will likely take at least a year because of his income and other studies his lawyer is planning on doing that take time. 

I have tried to set boundaries somewhat and often just hang up when he starts being really mean.  I’m to the point I try to keep most communication through text or email.  He doesn’t seem to understand it isn’t my job to help him anymore either.  It’s like every time I set a new boundary or don’t do something he expects like I used to there is a tantrum. 

I am in therapy and looking for someone for the kids.  Hopefully this will help.  I think I may need to switch to someone specializing in trauma.