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Author Topic: My Story She's My Kind of Rain

M
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My Story She's My Kind of Rain
OP: January 27, 2022, 12:24:39 PM
Well, before I got called out at for going over my 150 posts - I guess I needed to make a decision. New thread or not? After yesterday's interaction with Xh, I am going to er on the side of "I may need this" as a place to shake out my possible thoughts. LOL.

The universe clearly has a theme for me today. I have been inundated with references to storms. "Thunderstruck" was the first song I heard this morning, followed by "Thunder Rolls", which was the All that Remains version. Sorry Garth Brooks - LOL. And then I changed the station to be greeted by "Thunder and Rain" by Kane Brown.

But it didn't stop there. On Facebook a random quote came over my screen. None of my friends posted it. Just one of those pop ups.
Fate whispered to the warrior,
"You cannot withstand the storm."
and the warrior whispered back,
"I am the storm."

Now I have heard the devil whispered version of this same quote, but this one sort of struck me. I had heard from a former colleague they ran into a former student of mine. He had been in the military and been discharged due to wounds he received, although I never asked exactly how. I just know it was a trauma he was working through. He would bring me his sketchbook after class to show me sketches of dreams he had. He was a bit older and didn't want to share them with the class due to some of their nature. He was concerned they wouldn't understand it was not like he was somehow obsessed with death in the sense that he was seeking revenge. He was struggling with images that played in his head sometimes. Things he had witnessed. They were often powerful sketches and he was working with a counseling service, etc. He was probably the kindest, most thoughtful student I had over the years. We got to know each other fairly well and he knew I was some days able to teach the class and would be in my office trying to regroup. He would pop his head in and ask how I was and I would laugh telling him the universe was giving me an a$$ kicking.

With those sketches we had some great philosophical discussions. Spiritual. This was before I even knew what HS was. He was auditing the class, so there was not any concern with somehow someone thinking I was giving him some extra attention for a grade. It was never anything like that. I think back at that time and he and I both just needed a friend who would look in on each other and say "you got this."

When he graduated he came to see me while I was at the college picnic. He thanked me and told me I should know that I was a strong woman - a warrior and not to forget that. I knew what he meant by that comment. We had discussions about certain cultures and the definition of a warrior and how it had a different sense of honor to it in many contexts. And, he was right in that I fought many battles over the years for what was right not because I had some deep seated desire to go fight. I hate conflict, but protective - yes. So coming from him, it was humbling. I knew he had seen horrible things.

I lost track of him and hearing what he was up to was a nice thing. Seeing that quote today made me smile.

I love the song "Every Storm Runs Out of Rain" that hasn't changed. But I was thinking that perhaps I need to change my own attitude. Maybe I am the storm or need to be my own storm. This particular storm has been smashing the edges of my boat and I can sit here and ride it out, or I can take some risks and charge forward. I don't know how yet, or if I am going to be able to maintain that mentality, but I know I need to change my attitude no matter what.

It was then probably one of my very favorite Tim McGraw songs came on. "She's My Kind of Rain". Under all of this sassiness - I really prefer to be that person who is just there helping someone by being a really good partner and letting them make their mistakes, just as I make mine.

So perhaps I need a balance - I don't want to be a huge storm rolling in. Maybe it can be a gentler version than certainly the past few weeks, where I feel like I am warding off everyone while wielding a sword because I am on "reactive" mode just putting out fires and fighting dragons. Maybe it is time the warrior in me puts the sword down and works on being someone's rain instead.

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11868.150
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« Last Edit: January 27, 2022, 01:16:08 PM by MourningDove »

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She's My Kind of Rain
#1: January 28, 2022, 01:48:21 AM


Yes, you did... this time ... <snort>

Attaching.....

Here's to rain....


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Me - 59, xW - 51
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 15, D - 12
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019
Moved on in life

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M
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Re: She's My Kind of Rain
#2: January 28, 2022, 11:08:54 AM
UrsaMajor - I think I shall dance in the rain  ;)

Last night - I did a thing. LOL. I went with my gut and jumped on board with a project. I had a note on Facebook from a friend who had messaged me a few days ago - a former coworker from the gallery. A young woman I really loved working with. We are trying to get together and have coffee and catch up. It has been probably 4 years or more since we have really spoken.

While I was on Facebook a post came up about a community project. They are looking for donations. The person spearheading this is an artist I have known for a long time and someone I admire. He is successful in his own right, but is very community minded. The project, is to help renovate a space that is a non-profit I know well. Many of my former high school students and some college students over the years have benefited from the existence of this safe place. One of the things they do is provide meals for kids. I immediately contacted this person and told him that I can't afford to lay out any cash right now, but I will gladly help him and his crew in any way. I had an immediate response and he will be sending me the schedule.

I have only told a couple of people. I know that if I say too much to anyone they will think I have lost my mind completely. The "can you really afford to do this financially" comments or "do you really want to do more construction work outside of the house". Truth is, I don't care what anyone else really thinks right now and am not going to go around opening up that discussion in my RL.

This morning, I almost talked myself out of it. But then I stepped back and realized there is a reason my gut says this is what I need to do. It doesn't mean giving all of myself and being reckless with my own responsibilities. It means me getting my head back in the game. I need to be involved in something right now that helps me get past my own BS.

I cannot see any bad things about this and that is where I landed. I realized on my way to work today that even if I look at it like I did when I was fresh out of college, this is how I built up my own business to begin with. I did lots of freebie work, where I didn't do it for that reason, that led to new networks. I was getting so much work from those connections. So, it may lead to that. It might not.

My own selfish reasons for doing this, is because I need to keep myself from spending too much more time in my own head. I keep replaying my mistake before the holidays and it is eating at me. That is not like me, but it clearly has upset me. I don't know what I can do to somehow fix it.

Add to it, I need to grab ahold of that "She's Like the Rain" mentality - that is who I am at my core. I know that. I need to take my sass and my patient side and channel them in positive ways.

In the meantime, I decided to not accept the hotel room offer from my former coworker. I fear it opens up misconstrued ideas and at the very least, I am not ready to move on from where my head and heart are at right now.

This morning, S and I both burst out laughing thinking about a conversation that had gone so off track. It was really funny in all honesty. It was something that his friends walked into a conversation that was starting and the look on their face was priceless. So much so, that S and I were dying yet this morning.

For awhile, when I would walk our dog, I had a stretch of encountering things on my walk that were just moments where I would come home and laugh. The walks were my time to just take in nature, but at one point the universe kept disrupting these things like finding a clearly empty box from a sex toy and about 25 yards farther down the road, the object itself. I had to reel the dog in very quickly.

Then several times I had come upon people in the country lane and they weren't just chatting. The one encounter the lane was muddy so they were practically on the roadway and there was no way not to see what was going on.

Then there was Mr. Smoochie and that kiss that will forever be a moment I would like to forget.

All of these moments my kids have heard simply because they would see me come back from what was supposed to be a relaxing walk and I would just shake my head and think the universe was really very amusing.

So, the conversation started last night with S saying "Hey M, guess what? I was on my way home for lunch yesterday and crossed the bridge over the stream and had a you moment - there were two people going at it".

The friends were suddenly silent. I started laughing and said perhaps we needed to explain, because clearly they are concerned that I have been out parking in cars. They relaxed as we recounted my walks and S very innocently said "Geez I hope my M is smarter than that - that is not to be parking right on the bridge by my work". I lost it and started laughing. I said he wasn't helping and I should hope I was smarter than that, but he can rest assured that is not something he has to worry about. Of course, the velociraptors were suddenly on the scene and I was at their mercy.

This morning, S and I said nothing at first, just laughed and I said "Thanks - now I can be "that mom"  ::)". Luckily those kids know better. But, I will admit, it felt good to laugh this morning.
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Re: She's My Kind of Rain
#3: January 28, 2022, 09:51:28 PM
I found myself making several decisions today that were reminiscent of when I worked with students. I am notorious for helping people and encouraging them. When it came to my students, I wanted them to find their inner strength and skills. It was never about fixing them. And when I first started teaching, it was so painful to watch students who you just couldn't nudge far enough along so that they could stand on their own. Some didn't have the inner strength and others, sadly just didn't want it or didn't care. It took me a long time to learn the art of "triage" when it came to students and people. The point where you realize you can't save them all and you focus on the ones that grab for that lifeline.

In all the years that I taught there were times I had to just let it go and hope those students I saw something in would come back or find a way to emerge from their death spiral. Today, I had to go to that triage thought process.

Ms Management's S was at the gallery before we opened. She had him doing inventory yet again. He was on his way out when he saw I had arrived before we opened officially and he was happy to see me. He said he left the alarm off and we chatted a bit. He mentioned he had done the inventories just as his M had instructed him. We said our goodbyes and I walked into the building. The alarm was off, but as I walked through the building, I realized the inner door was unlocked as was the front entry door, which is the one customer's use. Basically, he was going to lock the back door and the whole building was open. I shook my head and went to see what had been left for me. I looked at the printouts he had used and just like the other day - it looked like a scavenger hunt and the things he hadn't found were not noted in the computer. His M had told him to just leave out whatever he couldn't find in the new year inventory. I shook my head and called my coworker. We have both decided that we will just do our jobs and let this just slide - it will get ugly I am sure when the one artist in particular shows up.

It bothered me for the longest time today. I don't want control of things, but I really hate when things are not done properly and it involves things that matter. I could care less how say, the paints are organized in the cabinets, etc. Do I have my own preference - sure, but when it comes to things that are important, like inventory, I will admit it bugs me. But, I let it go. My coworker and I will still do it the way it is supposed to be done and chase after those pieces, because we find them in the building, like in the back stock area or maybe they sold and weren't noted, etc. We believe in accuracy. But, since Ms Management is on a mission, we decided to let her keep doing this. It will come back to bite her.

I feel bad about the kid, but he is either unable or afraid of his M. I haven't really decided if it is a nature or nurture or a combo pack in his case. I will continue to be nice to him and when he is around when I am there I will do my best to help him if need be, but I am not going to help a kid who either doesn't want it or can't see he needs help. It's not easy to let go, because he is really a good kid. But, this is self preservation time for myself. It is ridiculous to waste my energy on things that are not going to be changed by my or my coworkers actions.

Once I gave myself permission to just let go of that, I felt this weight lift. I focused on the things I could accomplish and spent time helping the students and customers who came in. Those who specifically come when I am there to get advice or help. I am changing my focus.

It is not an adversarial role nor is it some passive-aggressive move. This is just about accepting the stupidity swirling around me and it is not my circus.

I had made coffee at home to bring with me and grabbed a travel mug. The kids have both collected several Yeti travel cups that they had coupons for and the like. I will admit they keep coffee warm for a long time, but I haven't wanted to drop $50 on a travel mug without a coupon. Thing is, I am short and the mugs are on the top shelf - not sure why - hmmmm- need to reevaluate that one - and my coffee travel mug was way in the back. So, I grabbed one of the Yeti mugs. S doesn't care. He knows I bring them back, but D - OMG. And I know - they get stolen, etc. I get it. So, I brought it to work and washed it and on my way home realized I had left it in the gallery. I was on my way back to get it, but had to swing home first. D called on my way there. Wanted to know where her Yeti was. I swear she suddenly sounded like a two year old. I told her I was on my way home and I was going to go back and get it.

I walked through the door and was greeted by a group of twenty something year old butt heads. Yes, I admit it, my usually very good kids have their moments as do their friends. I had my hands completely full, was trying to open the door and the dog came to greet me. D saw I had mail in my one hand and ran to grab the package for her out of my hands, leading me to drop the mail on the floor. The dog was jumping on me. Meanwhile, S and crew were all sitting in the living room watching something on their phones. None of them got up. This is highly unusual, btw. Usually, when I drive in, S, D and their friends all go out to help me unload groceries or at least ask if I need help. I could feel myself just about ready to burst. I went into the library, put down my things and informed all of them that I would be going out. They were stunned and then came "what about dinner?"

Again, that is not normal. I looked at them and said they could eat peanut butter and jelly or they have bank accounts and phones, perhaps they could order pizza or take out, but I was not concerned they would starve. I said I was going to the gallery, then to the home improvement store, but I would not be back for some time because I needed space and they best leave me be. I promptly walked out the door and saw the shock on their faces.

I went out to dinner and ran some errands. I got over being mad. I just realized that perhaps I needed to do more of this. I have been so mindful of D's abandonment issues and the fact that Xh just disappeared every weekend. It affected all of us. But, I also know that I shouldn't feel guilty about sometimes telling people "no". While I was at dinner, my M texted. She asked me a question about D. I told her to ask D directly and to leave me out of it. She asked where I was and said out to dinner. She assumed I was with a friend. I didn't even correct her. I needed to be left alone in terms of the "buzz".

I need to take back parts of my life. I love my kids and when I came home, they didn't argue with me. I think they knew they had been pretty self absorbed. D had done the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. S was out in the garage and had installed the second new thermostat and told me he would do the other tomorrow. Neither asked about where I was or pushed my buttons. I know that they know I don't typically do that. I have been the parent that drops everything, even when I have had company to just make sure their needs are met. I am still going to be their support system, but I also know that I need some sanity and time to focus on me. It isn't selfishness I desire, but I do need to focus sometimes on my needs and desires.

I have plans to meet up with a friend of mine tomorrow at some point. I laughed when I told her what happened tonight. She has a S that is the same age as my kids. She laughed and said she loves her S, but he too has his moments where he suddenly behaves like some spoiled, entitled kid. She noted it had to be a shock for me, since most of the time my kids are really pretty well behaved. Yeah - they didn't win any points with me tonight, that is for sure.  It was one of those moments where I said anyone who says being a parent is the best job ever and a joy every day is a liar. LOL
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Re: She's My Kind of Rain
#4: January 29, 2022, 08:00:01 PM
I was out the door rather early today. I had promised my neighbors I would help them this morning take down their Christmas decorations. It shocked me that they wanted to keep them up this long, TBH, because in all the years prior the W has always been very specific and everything comes down on Epiphany. But, it was around that time she told me she felt the need to keep up the pretty decorations because they made her feel happier.

When I arrived the H, who is 90, greeted me at the door. He whispered he was glad I was the one coming to help. I giggled as I know why he has no desire to undertake this task. His W has gotten so she has to tell you about every ornament and decoration. Where they came from. And so on. I probably could recite the stories by now and probably get at least 98% of it right. But, I don't mind. I understand her need to share those things. They are important memories for her.

I spent several hours helping her wrap each piece and as always, the stories came out. Her H, he sat and folded laundry most of the time and would shoot me a knowing glance as she would turn and take another piece off of the hutch. We knew what was coming. But neither of us laughed as she fell right into the history of the piece in her hand.

She went to take care of some things as I started to take the boxes back up to the room where they store things in. Her H said he was glad to see me "back". I stopped and asked what he meant. He has noticed I haven't been really myself since probably Thanksgiving - that he realized I have had so many things going on that they were wearing on me. I asked if it was that noticeable and he said not to people who don't know me well. I usually have a smile on my face on the darkest of days, but for those who have known me close to my entire life, it was apparent. He said today I was back to being more like what he is used to. He said he has rarely seen me where I haven't lit up the room when I smile and start laughing. I thanked him and said I haven't been myself and it has bothered me.

He told me that in all of the years he has known me, I have been like a daughter to he and his W and he suspects he knows I trust him to be honest. I do and told him so. He said it was okay for me to mess up once in awhile and he knows I am probably really fretting over this whole thing. He knows me well enough to know I don't let other things rattle me too much and move on. He commented that the reason this is bothering me so much is because when I care about people around me, I feel way deeper than most people understand.

His W returned and the serious conversation stopped because, well we had more important things to attend to. We had the pinecones to take down from the shelves and she would ask her H where this one or that one came from. Didn't we get this one on our way back from…"yes, dear".  ::)

The thing is, I know that this couple has had their own trials and tribulations. They drive each other crazy, but they are a team and they love each other. They are one of the couples I admire on how they have managed to keep that love alive and to work through their rough patches over the years.

It is very much like my parents and both sets of my grandparents. They made it look so effortless sometimes, but I know that is not the case. My one grandmother used to joke that there were some days my grandfather would aggravate her so much that she would imagine hitting him over the head with a frying pan like in a cartoon. She never would have done that in reality, but she used to giggle at the thought. But no one would ever guess that they had days they drove each other nuts. They truly enjoyed each other's company.

I had plans to meet with my childhood friend this evening. She and her H have a very similar situation. They are going through tough times right now due to life circumstances. She said the unknowns they are facing are making them both edgy. But, there is no doubt that neither of them see it as a deal breaker. Her H called while we were out - said to tell me hello - and he was just checking in to double check on a their S's work schedule and what time he needed picked up. During dinner, my friend still gets that twinkle in her eye when she talks about her H, even when she wants to hang him by his toes. I told her that I am so grateful that she is happy. Truly. She is such a good person and her H is a great guy. It makes me smile knowing that even when things are difficult that she has her H in her life.

We had a really nice dinner and had considered going to a movie but somehow during dinner she mentioned she had been looking for warmer socks. Where she works is so cold in the office her feet have been freezing. She laughed when I said we could go look for socks. Of course, we both said it was very sad, as we were in the check out that our Saturday night out had come down to this - we used to go out dancing until the wee hours. Now we were standing in line buying socks to keep her feet warm.  ::)

When I arrived home, S was back home. He had gotten a call from Xh. It would seem S will be moving out this coming Friday and moving into XH's for 2 months minimum. S is okay with it for now. It will give him time to do renovations with his friend "C" on the house and slowly move out of here. S is not thrilled about the sudden schedule dropped on his lap and I am betting it will wear thin with having to run back to take care of that dog. But, I can't say a thing.

For me, it will mean I can focus on getting the bathroom done without having to worry about people around. I have to lay the tile on the floor and do the walls. It will mean having to pull the toilet and not being able to use the bathroom again for a brief time. I knew that would be difficult with everyone around here. I can move to my parent's for a couple of days while the tile cures, or at least stay overnight if I need to. I am trying to find the positives.

D will be at school most of the time and I can focus on some of what I want to do.

I have let go of being upset with Xh. It is not my problem to worry about.

I am working on forgiving myself and reminding myself that I cannot let the things around me hijack me like I allowed it to. I let life's circumstances get to me and the key was I didn't take the time to just take a walk or try to shake off or process all that was going on. Looking back and thinking about what my neighbor said about me, he is right. I was not myself. I was putting on a smile and not dealing with some of the emotions that were building up. The stress crept too far in.
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M
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Re: She's My Kind of Rain
#5: January 30, 2022, 05:36:02 PM
Ah, the Xh interaction - the gift that keeps giving.  >:(

When my day started the sun was streaming into my bedroom and I was incredibly relaxed. I stayed snuggled in bed for about half after waking up and thought about what I wanted to do today. I saw it was incredibly cold outside still and figured a day inside would be a good plan, other than doing things like taking the garbage out.

While I was making my coffee, I decided that I should tackle some sewing projects that needed done. Among them, my M had broken her sewing machine a couple of weeks ago and she asked me to hem a couple of pairs of pants for my F that he had purchased awhile back. Instead of working in my sewing room, which is lovely, I settled on setting up in the kitchen, as one project I had on my radar was dealing with the banquette upholstery project that has been sidetracked ever since the mess with the hot water heat pipes.

The whole day was lovely, as the sun streams into the kitchen all day long this time of year onto the kitchen table. It helped my mood immensely and I just pushed through some of those little projects that have piled up.

D was at her BF's tournament all day. S was in the garage with his friends, as they are working on solving an issue with C's truck. S's GF was asleep on and off and the puppy decided it was too cold out to hang outside too long, so she was snuggled up with GF.

I threw in laundry and then around dinner time, the electric went out. It was a mass outage which they originally figured would be several hours. It was strange since the weather, at least around my area was just cold - not stormy or even windy. I am not sure what the issue was, but as it got darker outside, I figured worst case scenario, I would just crawl in bed early and pull out some extra blankets as the time frame for repairs wasn't projected to be an extended problem into tomorrow. It wasn't very long until things all came back on.

D came through the door. She was tired. She has a huge exam tomorrow. She walked into the kitchen and saw my sewing machine set up and then started on how where was she going to eat breakfast in the morning? I bit my lip and let her get her rant out before calmly looking at her and telling her I wasn't planning on leaving everything set up. Then I calmly asked her what was really bugging her, because she was picking a fight with me, which usually means it is something else completely. She said somehow Xh found out when her graduation is. He also knew that only 4 people are allowed to go and mentioned it to S. S later informed me he had no idea how Xh had even gotten the information, considering it didn't come from me or anyone else. Even S didn't know about it. I have my suspicions as to where it came from, as Xh has friends "in the know"  ::). At any rate, he had pressed S about who was invited. D was on the verge of tears and she completely spilled her concerns.

She wanted to know why she should invite her F or even entertain the idea. She said he hasn't supported her in any way - financially is the obvious most people would go to, but she said she doesn't care about the financial in all honesty. She could get past that part if he had even remotely been supportive emotionally. She recalled how he behaved at her graduation from high school and noted how he left. Then he tried to derail every college she considered. He never went to a tour or anything else for that matter.

I just let it pour out of her. I thought as she was purging her feelings of how it is so incredibly sad considering I haven't pushed the financial issue and had left the door open for him to make it right. And it isn't about just college. He has never shown up to just take her to dinners or texted. She didn't originally shut him out. She is not the one that made that choice. And, I know kids can sometimes shut parents out, etc. Xh continually just uses S. S is learning, but it is still more than Xh even gives D.

D said she isn't inviting S. I was a little shocked, but didn't ask. She said it is not because she is mad at him. She doesn't want to put S in the middle of Xh's games and she said she knows S has no real desire to sit through several hours of a graduation ceremony. No, probably not. So, she told me she also was not asking her BF. I was a little surprised, but she went on to tell me that she didn't want S to think somehow she was choosing her BF over him because she wasn't. So, she has informed me that she wants me there and that was a no brainer. I wanted to laugh and say "sure that is today. Tomorrow I could be the evil M again." ::) I kept that thought to myself. LOL. She then said that my parents are the next two people and then she wants my sister there because she has been there ever since she and S were little and has never wavered from being a person who has been there for she and S. D said she wished she could invite more than just 4 people, but that is where we are at with the pandemic protocol.

What could I say?

She relaxed and George came into the kitchen. He had been napping, but has been a demon all day. He stayed inside with the cold and was full of energy. At one point it sounded like elephants running around upstairs. D scooped him up and he chirped as he does when he sees her. She entered her room and I heard her ask him what had he been up to all day, because her area rug was not only moved from it's spot but curled up. He had unmade her bed and the basket she keeps all of his toys in was emptied and everything scattered about. She laughed and said clearly he had extra energy.

I went upstairs and D was already snuggled up on her bed with George and was going to watch TV. I was a bit shocked to see that TV go on. Normally she would be in front of her computer studying. She smiled and said her professor, the one whose class she has an exam in tomorrow told her to not study tonight but to take some time off and just behave like a normal college student sometimes. LOL.

I knew that the interaction with Xh would create a ripple effect. It would have had I not spoken to him and I know it would have been far worse. It should have been expected at this rate because he likes to shake things up before he goes on these trips of his anyways. And, D already voiced what she sees happening. He will be seeing his siblings, including the BIL D is close to. Xh will behave like they are all hunky dory and he and D have patched things up or he will try to make it look like he is the one who is trying.

Either way - I am glad he will be gone for two months. I don't need him helping S move in and playing supportive parent at this point. I don't think I can handle another day of Xh playing the "charming X" role. Sheesh.

What will always bother me personally is that I don't get it. I gave him every opportunity to be a F. I wanted that for the kids and for him, TBH. No matter how mad I was at him, I stayed true to my core and protected the kids from being used as some way to win Xh back or to punish him somehow. I have twisted myself up in knots to try and keep Xh from driving a wedge between them, by biting my lip. I realized there was only so much I could control and frankly I don't like playing games or controlling people at all.

Xh has made choices. He continues to make those choices. He is going to suffer consequences that he may not recover from. I don't know how he will ever make it right with D. Supposedly he has this account with money in it for D. Whether that is true or not, IDK. What I do know is it won't matter if he writes her some huge check to pay off her loans. She doesn't want his money. She never did. That is neither D, nor S. They do not care about money in the grand scheme. Xh is not going to be able to buy himself out of this. Especially with D. She has never been a person that can be bought.
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She's My Kind of Rain
#6: January 30, 2022, 06:04:29 PM
My xh is the same with money regarding the kids. He buys them things or takes them out when he makes his rare appearances. And they would much rather have a dad that is there for them, that they can rely on or confide in. I honestly think it's just the easier route. I think for the MLCer it's a little of the self entitlement - expecting them to just love and respect them because they are the dad. But also actions require work, intention and time. And it seems to just be too much for them at this point. Which really can only solidify where they are mentally. Selfish and lazy. I also think that fixing the relationship will take some real, honest and difficult conversations...all of which the MLCer is trying to avoid. So they just keep whining about poor pitiful them- why don't my children love me? Good grief. 

My Xh is just really failing in the father department at the moment so I wanted you to know that I completely hear and feel your frustration!
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YOU keep interrupting his crisis. YOU keep him distracted with all your questions, statements and observations. YOU keep him from facing himself, from feeling the pain of missing his family (until he is ready to do something about it...or not ). YOU are keeping him from fully feeling and facing the man he is.  Leave him 100% to his own devices and crisis ...100% shut it all down.  Bow out...its not about you! I sometimes feel they have stranded themselves on some deserted island. They have done that to themselves as a result of their own actions, choices, behaviors. They need to figure out how to get off the island...the messy painful island they put themselves on. Stop taking him fresh water, food, homemade baking, clean clothes etc....why would he try to make himself better?

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She's My Kind of Rain
#7: January 30, 2022, 11:28:24 PM
Quote
What will always bother me personally is that I don't get it.

From the cheap seats? I think it’s pretty simple. (Not for normal healthy folks, but for a disordered person). Even when your daughter was younger, she sounds like a bit of a firecracker, like someone who would ask tough questions and say that the Emperor had no clothes on.  :) Which makes her tougher to deal with than your son if you are dug deep into avoidance, gaslighting and justification BS. She was always going to be a tougher audience than your son.....different characters, different approaches to conflict.....and MLCers avoid difficult things and people who expect the truth or personal accountability from them. And of course, as time went on, the hole between them got bigger bc of his choices and he probably found it easier to blame her (or you) for being ‘difficult’  ::) Jmo. Still nothing to do with you or her even....
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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She's My Kind of Rain
#8: January 31, 2022, 02:45:17 AM
GOOD call with respect to calling out D on picking a fight and asking what was REALLY going on. I expect that will possibly provide an opportunity for D to "think before reacting" and allow the R between you two to become maybe a bit easier - you horrible "Mother from Hades" you <snort!> until the next time when you are the greatest thing since sliced bread...

As far as xH and S and the "Love Nest" complete with Crazy Dog goes, well, like you said, it gets xH out of the picture for a while.... and no, D has ZERO obligation to invite him to anything except maybe to invite him to <Not Safe For HS > ... Let's say "to take a long walk off a short pier" or, as my mom used to say, "to go play on the double yellow line on the highway." Of course, that will just continue to justify his pity party and I REALLY hope that BIL can see through the BS to the reality of his actions....

I hope that your Snowmageddon is mild....
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Re: She's My Kind of Rain
#9: January 31, 2022, 07:34:07 AM
Kelly4510 - Thank you. Yes, it is frustrating, that is for sure.

My Xh pretty much ditched being a F right out the gate, after having been a very involved F. My frustration at this point, in all honesty is that he reappeared and shook up D's life. It has been over 6 years since he moved out and from that moment when it came to D in particular he just vanished. There were sporadic dinners and weird gifts, but he played games with the support monies and didn't show up when D was in the emergency room early on. So, for her in particular, she was accepting he was out of her life and she was in a decent place in terms of detachment and just living her life - focusing on the things she could control. D had come to accept Xh is not well, but it still really hurts her terribly. This game of his, or whatever anyone wants to call it disrupted her life when she is trying to focus on her studies. It throws her off and messes with her head.

With S, it has been a slower progression and Xh has disappeared slowly there too, but reaches out to S when he needs something. S is picking up on it and adjusting accordingly. We will see how this adventure pans out for S living at Xh's. Last time S stayed for any length of time when Xh travelled like this, Xh didn't have a full refrigerator and was living with a dorm fridge. I think this time, S said the stove doesn't work.

Treasur - D is a spitfire. We often joke about it. She is a redhead and a Leo - that is the first layer - LOL. But, when she was born the doctor laughed and said she clearly was calling the shots. I was 2 weeks overdue for her and they were going to induce me on a Tuesday. She wasn't having it and I went into labor the day before being induced.

When she was 4, she wrote up a contract for Xh to sign. At the time, she loved bacon and wanted it every Saturday. She wrote up a multiple page document and had a place for a signature and places to initial. I am not sure where she got that idea, but it made us laugh back then. That should have been our sign that she was a force to be reckoned with. LOL

I do believe you are right though. D would be too much for Xh to handle in terms of truth darts. She is very much like BIL that she is so close to and why Xh avoids him as well. And, both D and BIL are perhaps going to call a spade a spade, but they both have such huge, giving hearts.

And no, Xh's BS has nothing to do with D or myself. And both of us had to remind ourselves of that in our own ways.

UrsaMajor - First of all - I didn't encounter Snowmageddon. I was out of it's reach. We had some bitter cold, but no snow. Mainly sunny this weekend and a balmy 14º on Saturday. Yesterday, we warmed up and today it is back up to 30º already. By midweek the snow will be pretty much gone and then we are supposed to have a bit of snow by the weekend. It is actually stunning outside today with the sun on the snow. The trees are casting purple shadows onto the snow and because of the type of snowfall we did have, the drifts are smooth, so the shadows are uninterrupted and look like they have been printed on cloth.

As for D and picking a fight. Hmmm, that was what happened essentially with me before the holidays. I was agitated and I could be accused of picking a fight for the same reasons. It had nothing to do with the other person. And I am not normally one that does that, so it was shocking for me, but it also helped me this time. I recognized my own mistake and tried to apply it. I do try and not stick the fork back into the outlet or my forehead.

This morning the doggie alarm was clearly back in working mode. Right on the dot - she jumped on my bed at 7:30. I was awake, but she made sure I was up and out of bed. She was especially excited because S's GF was getting ready for work and D was up getting ready for school. She was not sure what to do with herself and was running around gathering up different toys to bring to me and then would disappear to check on her "herd". I keep hearing both girls tell the puppy to get out from underneath their feet, as she pushed their ankles to try and make sure they were being good "little sheep". When I came down the stairs, I knew I would be corralled as well and was prepared for the doggie being right there pushing me along. As we found ourselves in the kitchen the girls and I laughed and the puppy plopped down on the floor and seemed satisfied we were where we were supposed to be. LOL

She had been quiet most of the weekend. With the bitter cold she stayed inside most of the time or out in the garage with the guys as they worked on C's truck. They had put down a blanket on the floor and she was just happy to be with people.

I am paying for it today. My sister called and could hear noise in the background. She asked if S was watching a movie or something, as it sounded like a cattle stampede. I laughed and told her that no, the puppy was spring-loaded and zooming around the house and that was all 40 lbs of her making that noise. It meant I needed to take her outside and let her run off some of that pent up energy.

MISTAKE!!

I took the dog outside and just like my lab, this dog loves the snow and seems to take one whiff of the snow and it is like some doggie drug. She was running laps at warp speed and rolling around. Then she found a piece of ice that she felt I needed to throw for her. Unlike my lab though, she can't physically withstand the cold for that long, so I had to force her back inside but she wasn't done playing. For 15 minutes she ran around like a lunatic. Now she is crashing from that snow buzz. S came in to say how cute it was that the dog was being so quiet and protective of me - sleeping so peacefully under my chair. S wasn't home for the earlier antics. LOL

D is out of the house for most of the day. S has work, but can do most of it remotely today, so he will be here to help me with bringing in the small compressor so I can use the pneumatic nail gun on the bathroom walls that need shimmed out for the cement board.

I am hoping for a rather quiet, uneventful Monday.  ::)
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