[MourningDove]

Well, before I got called out at for going over my 150 posts - I guess I needed to make a decision. New thread or not? After yesterday's interaction with Xh, I am going to er on the side of "I may need this" as a place to shake out my possible thoughts. LOL.

The universe clearly has a theme for me today. I have been inundated with references to storms. "Thunderstruck" was the first song I heard this morning, followed by "Thunder Rolls", which was the All that Remains version. Sorry Garth Brooks - LOL. And then I changed the station to be greeted by "Thunder and Rain" by Kane Brown.

But it didn't stop there. On Facebook a random quote came over my screen. None of my friends posted it. Just one of those pop ups.
Fate whispered to the warrior,
"You cannot withstand the storm."
and the warrior whispered back,
"I am the storm."

Now I have heard the devil whispered version of this same quote, but this one sort of struck me. I had heard from a former colleague they ran into a former student of mine. He had been in the military and been discharged due to wounds he received, although I never asked exactly how. I just know it was a trauma he was working through. He would bring me his sketchbook after class to show me sketches of dreams he had. He was a bit older and didn't want to share them with the class due to some of their nature. He was concerned they wouldn't understand it was not like he was somehow obsessed with death in the sense that he was seeking revenge. He was struggling with images that played in his head sometimes. Things he had witnessed. They were often powerful sketches and he was working with a counseling service, etc. He was probably the kindest, most thoughtful student I had over the years. We got to know each other fairly well and he knew I was some days able to teach the class and would be in my office trying to regroup. He would pop his head in and ask how I was and I would laugh telling him the universe was giving me an a$$ kicking.

With those sketches we had some great philosophical discussions. Spiritual. This was before I even knew what HS was. He was auditing the class, so there was not any concern with somehow someone thinking I was giving him some extra attention for a grade. It was never anything like that. I think back at that time and he and I both just needed a friend who would look in on each other and say "you got this."

When he graduated he came to see me while I was at the college picnic. He thanked me and told me I should know that I was a strong woman - a warrior and not to forget that. I knew what he meant by that comment. We had discussions about certain cultures and the definition of a warrior and how it had a different sense of honor to it in many contexts. And, he was right in that I fought many battles over the years for what was right not because I had some deep seated desire to go fight. I hate conflict, but protective - yes. So coming from him, it was humbling. I knew he had seen horrible things.

I lost track of him and hearing what he was up to was a nice thing. Seeing that quote today made me smile.

I love the song "Every Storm Runs Out of Rain" that hasn't changed. But I was thinking that perhaps I need to change my own attitude. Maybe I am the storm or need to be my own storm. This particular storm has been smashing the edges of my boat and I can sit here and ride it out, or I can take some risks and charge forward. I don't know how yet, or if I am going to be able to maintain that mentality, but I know I need to change my attitude no matter what.

It was then probably one of my very favorite Tim McGraw songs came on. "She's My Kind of Rain". Under all of this sassiness - I really prefer to be that person who is just there helping someone by being a really good partner and letting them make their mistakes, just as I make mine.

So perhaps I need a balance - I don't want to be a huge storm rolling in. Maybe it can be a gentler version than certainly the past few weeks, where I feel like I am warding off everyone while wielding a sword because I am on "reactive" mode just putting out fires and fighting dragons. Maybe it is time the warrior in me puts the sword down and works on being someone's rain instead.

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11868.150

[UrsaMajor]

Yes, you did... this time ... <snort>

Attaching.....

Here's to rain....

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor - I think I shall dance in the rain 

Last night - I did a thing. LOL. I went with my gut and jumped on board with a project. I had a note on Facebook from a friend who had messaged me a few days ago - a former coworker from the gallery. A young woman I really loved working with. We are trying to get together and have coffee and catch up. It has been probably 4 years or more since we have really spoken.

While I was on Facebook a post came up about a community project. They are looking for donations. The person spearheading this is an artist I have known for a long time and someone I admire. He is successful in his own right, but is very community minded. The project, is to help renovate a space that is a non-profit I know well. Many of my former high school students and some college students over the years have benefited from the existence of this safe place. One of the things they do is provide meals for kids. I immediately contacted this person and told him that I can't afford to lay out any cash right now, but I will gladly help him and his crew in any way. I had an immediate response and he will be sending me the schedule.

I have only told a couple of people. I know that if I say too much to anyone they will think I have lost my mind completely. The "can you really afford to do this financially" comments or "do you really want to do more construction work outside of the house". Truth is, I don't care what anyone else really thinks right now and am not going to go around opening up that discussion in my RL.

This morning, I almost talked myself out of it. But then I stepped back and realized there is a reason my gut says this is what I need to do. It doesn't mean giving all of myself and being reckless with my own responsibilities. It means me getting my head back in the game. I need to be involved in something right now that helps me get past my own BS.

I cannot see any bad things about this and that is where I landed. I realized on my way to work today that even if I look at it like I did when I was fresh out of college, this is how I built up my own business to begin with. I did lots of freebie work, where I didn't do it for that reason, that led to new networks. I was getting so much work from those connections. So, it may lead to that. It might not.

My own selfish reasons for doing this, is because I need to keep myself from spending too much more time in my own head. I keep replaying my mistake before the holidays and it is eating at me. That is not like me, but it clearly has upset me. I don't know what I can do to somehow fix it.

Add to it, I need to grab ahold of that "She's Like the Rain" mentality - that is who I am at my core. I know that. I need to take my sass and my patient side and channel them in positive ways.

In the meantime, I decided to not accept the hotel room offer from my former coworker. I fear it opens up misconstrued ideas and at the very least, I am not ready to move on from where my head and heart are at right now.

This morning, S and I both burst out laughing thinking about a conversation that had gone so off track. It was really funny in all honesty. It was something that his friends walked into a conversation that was starting and the look on their face was priceless. So much so, that S and I were dying yet this morning.

For awhile, when I would walk our dog, I had a stretch of encountering things on my walk that were just moments where I would come home and laugh. The walks were my time to just take in nature, but at one point the universe kept disrupting these things like finding a clearly empty box from a sex toy and about 25 yards farther down the road, the object itself. I had to reel the dog in very quickly.

Then several times I had come upon people in the country lane and they weren't just chatting. The one encounter the lane was muddy so they were practically on the roadway and there was no way not to see what was going on.

Then there was Mr. Smoochie and that kiss that will forever be a moment I would like to forget.

All of these moments my kids have heard simply because they would see me come back from what was supposed to be a relaxing walk and I would just shake my head and think the universe was really very amusing.

So, the conversation started last night with S saying "Hey M, guess what? I was on my way home for lunch yesterday and crossed the bridge over the stream and had a you moment - there were two people going at it".

The friends were suddenly silent. I started laughing and said perhaps we needed to explain, because clearly they are concerned that I have been out parking in cars. They relaxed as we recounted my walks and S very innocently said "Geez I hope my M is smarter than that - that is not to be parking right on the bridge by my work". I lost it and started laughing. I said he wasn't helping and I should hope I was smarter than that, but he can rest assured that is not something he has to worry about. Of course, the velociraptors were suddenly on the scene and I was at their mercy.

This morning, S and I said nothing at first, just laughed and I said "Thanks - now I can be "that mom"  ". Luckily those kids know better. But, I will admit, it felt good to laugh this morning.

[MourningDove]

I found myself making several decisions today that were reminiscent of when I worked with students. I am notorious for helping people and encouraging them. When it came to my students, I wanted them to find their inner strength and skills. It was never about fixing them. And when I first started teaching, it was so painful to watch students who you just couldn't nudge far enough along so that they could stand on their own. Some didn't have the inner strength and others, sadly just didn't want it or didn't care. It took me a long time to learn the art of "triage" when it came to students and people. The point where you realize you can't save them all and you focus on the ones that grab for that lifeline.

In all the years that I taught there were times I had to just let it go and hope those students I saw something in would come back or find a way to emerge from their death spiral. Today, I had to go to that triage thought process.

Ms Management's S was at the gallery before we opened. She had him doing inventory yet again. He was on his way out when he saw I had arrived before we opened officially and he was happy to see me. He said he left the alarm off and we chatted a bit. He mentioned he had done the inventories just as his M had instructed him. We said our goodbyes and I walked into the building. The alarm was off, but as I walked through the building, I realized the inner door was unlocked as was the front entry door, which is the one customer's use. Basically, he was going to lock the back door and the whole building was open. I shook my head and went to see what had been left for me. I looked at the printouts he had used and just like the other day - it looked like a scavenger hunt and the things he hadn't found were not noted in the computer. His M had told him to just leave out whatever he couldn't find in the new year inventory. I shook my head and called my coworker. We have both decided that we will just do our jobs and let this just slide - it will get ugly I am sure when the one artist in particular shows up.

It bothered me for the longest time today. I don't want control of things, but I really hate when things are not done properly and it involves things that matter. I could care less how say, the paints are organized in the cabinets, etc. Do I have my own preference - sure, but when it comes to things that are important, like inventory, I will admit it bugs me. But, I let it go. My coworker and I will still do it the way it is supposed to be done and chase after those pieces, because we find them in the building, like in the back stock area or maybe they sold and weren't noted, etc. We believe in accuracy. But, since Ms Management is on a mission, we decided to let her keep doing this. It will come back to bite her.

I feel bad about the kid, but he is either unable or afraid of his M. I haven't really decided if it is a nature or nurture or a combo pack in his case. I will continue to be nice to him and when he is around when I am there I will do my best to help him if need be, but I am not going to help a kid who either doesn't want it or can't see he needs help. It's not easy to let go, because he is really a good kid. But, this is self preservation time for myself. It is ridiculous to waste my energy on things that are not going to be changed by my or my coworkers actions.

Once I gave myself permission to just let go of that, I felt this weight lift. I focused on the things I could accomplish and spent time helping the students and customers who came in. Those who specifically come when I am there to get advice or help. I am changing my focus.

It is not an adversarial role nor is it some passive-aggressive move. This is just about accepting the stupidity swirling around me and it is not my circus.

I had made coffee at home to bring with me and grabbed a travel mug. The kids have both collected several Yeti travel cups that they had coupons for and the like. I will admit they keep coffee warm for a long time, but I haven't wanted to drop $50 on a travel mug without a coupon. Thing is, I am short and the mugs are on the top shelf - not sure why - hmmmm- need to reevaluate that one - and my coffee travel mug was way in the back. So, I grabbed one of the Yeti mugs. S doesn't care. He knows I bring them back, but D - OMG. And I know - they get stolen, etc. I get it. So, I brought it to work and washed it and on my way home realized I had left it in the gallery. I was on my way back to get it, but had to swing home first. D called on my way there. Wanted to know where her Yeti was. I swear she suddenly sounded like a two year old. I told her I was on my way home and I was going to go back and get it.

I walked through the door and was greeted by a group of twenty something year old butt heads. Yes, I admit it, my usually very good kids have their moments as do their friends. I had my hands completely full, was trying to open the door and the dog came to greet me. D saw I had mail in my one hand and ran to grab the package for her out of my hands, leading me to drop the mail on the floor. The dog was jumping on me. Meanwhile, S and crew were all sitting in the living room watching something on their phones. None of them got up. This is highly unusual, btw. Usually, when I drive in, S, D and their friends all go out to help me unload groceries or at least ask if I need help. I could feel myself just about ready to burst. I went into the library, put down my things and informed all of them that I would be going out. They were stunned and then came "what about dinner?"

Again, that is not normal. I looked at them and said they could eat peanut butter and jelly or they have bank accounts and phones, perhaps they could order pizza or take out, but I was not concerned they would starve. I said I was going to the gallery, then to the home improvement store, but I would not be back for some time because I needed space and they best leave me be. I promptly walked out the door and saw the shock on their faces.

I went out to dinner and ran some errands. I got over being mad. I just realized that perhaps I needed to do more of this. I have been so mindful of D's abandonment issues and the fact that Xh just disappeared every weekend. It affected all of us. But, I also know that I shouldn't feel guilty about sometimes telling people "no". While I was at dinner, my M texted. She asked me a question about D. I told her to ask D directly and to leave me out of it. She asked where I was and said out to dinner. She assumed I was with a friend. I didn't even correct her. I needed to be left alone in terms of the "buzz".

I need to take back parts of my life. I love my kids and when I came home, they didn't argue with me. I think they knew they had been pretty self absorbed. D had done the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. S was out in the garage and had installed the second new thermostat and told me he would do the other tomorrow. Neither asked about where I was or pushed my buttons. I know that they know I don't typically do that. I have been the parent that drops everything, even when I have had company to just make sure their needs are met. I am still going to be their support system, but I also know that I need some sanity and time to focus on me. It isn't selfishness I desire, but I do need to focus sometimes on my needs and desires.

I have plans to meet up with a friend of mine tomorrow at some point. I laughed when I told her what happened tonight. She has a S that is the same age as my kids. She laughed and said she loves her S, but he too has his moments where he suddenly behaves like some spoiled, entitled kid. She noted it had to be a shock for me, since most of the time my kids are really pretty well behaved. Yeah - they didn't win any points with me tonight, that is for sure.  It was one of those moments where I said anyone who says being a parent is the best job ever and a joy every day is a liar. LOL

[MourningDove]

I was out the door rather early today. I had promised my neighbors I would help them this morning take down their Christmas decorations. It shocked me that they wanted to keep them up this long, TBH, because in all the years prior the W has always been very specific and everything comes down on Epiphany. But, it was around that time she told me she felt the need to keep up the pretty decorations because they made her feel happier.

When I arrived the H, who is 90, greeted me at the door. He whispered he was glad I was the one coming to help. I giggled as I know why he has no desire to undertake this task. His W has gotten so she has to tell you about every ornament and decoration. Where they came from. And so on. I probably could recite the stories by now and probably get at least 98% of it right. But, I don't mind. I understand her need to share those things. They are important memories for her.

I spent several hours helping her wrap each piece and as always, the stories came out. Her H, he sat and folded laundry most of the time and would shoot me a knowing glance as she would turn and take another piece off of the hutch. We knew what was coming. But neither of us laughed as she fell right into the history of the piece in her hand.

She went to take care of some things as I started to take the boxes back up to the room where they store things in. Her H said he was glad to see me "back". I stopped and asked what he meant. He has noticed I haven't been really myself since probably Thanksgiving - that he realized I have had so many things going on that they were wearing on me. I asked if it was that noticeable and he said not to people who don't know me well. I usually have a smile on my face on the darkest of days, but for those who have known me close to my entire life, it was apparent. He said today I was back to being more like what he is used to. He said he has rarely seen me where I haven't lit up the room when I smile and start laughing. I thanked him and said I haven't been myself and it has bothered me.

He told me that in all of the years he has known me, I have been like a daughter to he and his W and he suspects he knows I trust him to be honest. I do and told him so. He said it was okay for me to mess up once in awhile and he knows I am probably really fretting over this whole thing. He knows me well enough to know I don't let other things rattle me too much and move on. He commented that the reason this is bothering me so much is because when I care about people around me, I feel way deeper than most people understand.

His W returned and the serious conversation stopped because, well we had more important things to attend to. We had the pinecones to take down from the shelves and she would ask her H where this one or that one came from. Didn't we get this one on our way back from…"yes, dear". 

The thing is, I know that this couple has had their own trials and tribulations. They drive each other crazy, but they are a team and they love each other. They are one of the couples I admire on how they have managed to keep that love alive and to work through their rough patches over the years.

It is very much like my parents and both sets of my grandparents. They made it look so effortless sometimes, but I know that is not the case. My one grandmother used to joke that there were some days my grandfather would aggravate her so much that she would imagine hitting him over the head with a frying pan like in a cartoon. She never would have done that in reality, but she used to giggle at the thought. But no one would ever guess that they had days they drove each other nuts. They truly enjoyed each other's company.

I had plans to meet with my childhood friend this evening. She and her H have a very similar situation. They are going through tough times right now due to life circumstances. She said the unknowns they are facing are making them both edgy. But, there is no doubt that neither of them see it as a deal breaker. Her H called while we were out - said to tell me hello - and he was just checking in to double check on a their S's work schedule and what time he needed picked up. During dinner, my friend still gets that twinkle in her eye when she talks about her H, even when she wants to hang him by his toes. I told her that I am so grateful that she is happy. Truly. She is such a good person and her H is a great guy. It makes me smile knowing that even when things are difficult that she has her H in her life.

We had a really nice dinner and had considered going to a movie but somehow during dinner she mentioned she had been looking for warmer socks. Where she works is so cold in the office her feet have been freezing. She laughed when I said we could go look for socks. Of course, we both said it was very sad, as we were in the check out that our Saturday night out had come down to this - we used to go out dancing until the wee hours. Now we were standing in line buying socks to keep her feet warm. 

When I arrived home, S was back home. He had gotten a call from Xh. It would seem S will be moving out this coming Friday and moving into XH's for 2 months minimum. S is okay with it for now. It will give him time to do renovations with his friend "C" on the house and slowly move out of here. S is not thrilled about the sudden schedule dropped on his lap and I am betting it will wear thin with having to run back to take care of that dog. But, I can't say a thing.

For me, it will mean I can focus on getting the bathroom done without having to worry about people around. I have to lay the tile on the floor and do the walls. It will mean having to pull the toilet and not being able to use the bathroom again for a brief time. I knew that would be difficult with everyone around here. I can move to my parent's for a couple of days while the tile cures, or at least stay overnight if I need to. I am trying to find the positives.

D will be at school most of the time and I can focus on some of what I want to do.

I have let go of being upset with Xh. It is not my problem to worry about.

I am working on forgiving myself and reminding myself that I cannot let the things around me hijack me like I allowed it to. I let life's circumstances get to me and the key was I didn't take the time to just take a walk or try to shake off or process all that was going on. Looking back and thinking about what my neighbor said about me, he is right. I was not myself. I was putting on a smile and not dealing with some of the emotions that were building up. The stress crept too far in.

[MourningDove]

Ah, the Xh interaction - the gift that keeps giving. 

When my day started the sun was streaming into my bedroom and I was incredibly relaxed. I stayed snuggled in bed for about half after waking up and thought about what I wanted to do today. I saw it was incredibly cold outside still and figured a day inside would be a good plan, other than doing things like taking the garbage out.

While I was making my coffee, I decided that I should tackle some sewing projects that needed done. Among them, my M had broken her sewing machine a couple of weeks ago and she asked me to hem a couple of pairs of pants for my F that he had purchased awhile back. Instead of working in my sewing room, which is lovely, I settled on setting up in the kitchen, as one project I had on my radar was dealing with the banquette upholstery project that has been sidetracked ever since the mess with the hot water heat pipes.

The whole day was lovely, as the sun streams into the kitchen all day long this time of year onto the kitchen table. It helped my mood immensely and I just pushed through some of those little projects that have piled up.

D was at her BF's tournament all day. S was in the garage with his friends, as they are working on solving an issue with C's truck. S's GF was asleep on and off and the puppy decided it was too cold out to hang outside too long, so she was snuggled up with GF.

I threw in laundry and then around dinner time, the electric went out. It was a mass outage which they originally figured would be several hours. It was strange since the weather, at least around my area was just cold - not stormy or even windy. I am not sure what the issue was, but as it got darker outside, I figured worst case scenario, I would just crawl in bed early and pull out some extra blankets as the time frame for repairs wasn't projected to be an extended problem into tomorrow. It wasn't very long until things all came back on.

D came through the door. She was tired. She has a huge exam tomorrow. She walked into the kitchen and saw my sewing machine set up and then started on how where was she going to eat breakfast in the morning? I bit my lip and let her get her rant out before calmly looking at her and telling her I wasn't planning on leaving everything set up. Then I calmly asked her what was really bugging her, because she was picking a fight with me, which usually means it is something else completely. She said somehow Xh found out when her graduation is. He also knew that only 4 people are allowed to go and mentioned it to S. S later informed me he had no idea how Xh had even gotten the information, considering it didn't come from me or anyone else. Even S didn't know about it. I have my suspicions as to where it came from, as Xh has friends "in the know"  . At any rate, he had pressed S about who was invited. D was on the verge of tears and she completely spilled her concerns.

She wanted to know why she should invite her F or even entertain the idea. She said he hasn't supported her in any way - financially is the obvious most people would go to, but she said she doesn't care about the financial in all honesty. She could get past that part if he had even remotely been supportive emotionally. She recalled how he behaved at her graduation from high school and noted how he left. Then he tried to derail every college she considered. He never went to a tour or anything else for that matter.

I just let it pour out of her. I thought as she was purging her feelings of how it is so incredibly sad considering I haven't pushed the financial issue and had left the door open for him to make it right. And it isn't about just college. He has never shown up to just take her to dinners or texted. She didn't originally shut him out. She is not the one that made that choice. And, I know kids can sometimes shut parents out, etc. Xh continually just uses S. S is learning, but it is still more than Xh even gives D.

D said she isn't inviting S. I was a little shocked, but didn't ask. She said it is not because she is mad at him. She doesn't want to put S in the middle of Xh's games and she said she knows S has no real desire to sit through several hours of a graduation ceremony. No, probably not. So, she told me she also was not asking her BF. I was a little surprised, but she went on to tell me that she didn't want S to think somehow she was choosing her BF over him because she wasn't. So, she has informed me that she wants me there and that was a no brainer. I wanted to laugh and say "sure that is today. Tomorrow I could be the evil M again." I kept that thought to myself. LOL. She then said that my parents are the next two people and then she wants my sister there because she has been there ever since she and S were little and has never wavered from being a person who has been there for she and S. D said she wished she could invite more than just 4 people, but that is where we are at with the pandemic protocol.

What could I say?

She relaxed and George came into the kitchen. He had been napping, but has been a demon all day. He stayed inside with the cold and was full of energy. At one point it sounded like elephants running around upstairs. D scooped him up and he chirped as he does when he sees her. She entered her room and I heard her ask him what had he been up to all day, because her area rug was not only moved from it's spot but curled up. He had unmade her bed and the basket she keeps all of his toys in was emptied and everything scattered about. She laughed and said clearly he had extra energy.

I went upstairs and D was already snuggled up on her bed with George and was going to watch TV. I was a bit shocked to see that TV go on. Normally she would be in front of her computer studying. She smiled and said her professor, the one whose class she has an exam in tomorrow told her to not study tonight but to take some time off and just behave like a normal college student sometimes. LOL.

I knew that the interaction with Xh would create a ripple effect. It would have had I not spoken to him and I know it would have been far worse. It should have been expected at this rate because he likes to shake things up before he goes on these trips of his anyways. And, D already voiced what she sees happening. He will be seeing his siblings, including the BIL D is close to. Xh will behave like they are all hunky dory and he and D have patched things up or he will try to make it look like he is the one who is trying.

Either way - I am glad he will be gone for two months. I don't need him helping S move in and playing supportive parent at this point. I don't think I can handle another day of Xh playing the "charming X" role. Sheesh.

What will always bother me personally is that I don't get it. I gave him every opportunity to be a F. I wanted that for the kids and for him, TBH. No matter how mad I was at him, I stayed true to my core and protected the kids from being used as some way to win Xh back or to punish him somehow. I have twisted myself up in knots to try and keep Xh from driving a wedge between them, by biting my lip. I realized there was only so much I could control and frankly I don't like playing games or controlling people at all.

Xh has made choices. He continues to make those choices. He is going to suffer consequences that he may not recover from. I don't know how he will ever make it right with D. Supposedly he has this account with money in it for D. Whether that is true or not, IDK. What I do know is it won't matter if he writes her some huge check to pay off her loans. She doesn't want his money. She never did. That is neither D, nor S. They do not care about money in the grand scheme. Xh is not going to be able to buy himself out of this. Especially with D. She has never been a person that can be bought.

[KellBell]

My xh is the same with money regarding the kids. He buys them things or takes them out when he makes his rare appearances. And they would much rather have a dad that is there for them, that they can rely on or confide in. I honestly think it's just the easier route. I think for the MLCer it's a little of the self entitlement - expecting them to just love and respect them because they are the dad. But also actions require work, intention and time. And it seems to just be too much for them at this point. Which really can only solidify where they are mentally. Selfish and lazy. I also think that fixing the relationship will take some real, honest and difficult conversations...all of which the MLCer is trying to avoid. So they just keep whining about poor pitiful them- why don't my children love me? Good grief. 

My Xh is just really failing in the father department at the moment so I wanted you to know that I completely hear and feel your frustration!

[Treasur]

What will always bother me personally is that I don't get it.

From the cheap seats? I think it’s pretty simple. (Not for normal healthy folks, but for a disordered person). Even when your daughter was younger, she sounds like a bit of a firecracker, like someone who would ask tough questions and say that the Emperor had no clothes on.  Which makes her tougher to deal with than your son if you are dug deep into avoidance, gaslighting and justification BS. She was always going to be a tougher audience than your son.....different characters, different approaches to conflict.....and MLCers avoid difficult things and people who expect the truth or personal accountability from them. And of course, as time went on, the hole between them got bigger bc of his choices and he probably found it easier to blame her (or you) for being ‘difficult’  Jmo. Still nothing to do with you or her even....

[UrsaMajor]

GOOD call with respect to calling out D on picking a fight and asking what was REALLY going on. I expect that will possibly provide an opportunity for D to "think before reacting" and allow the R between you two to become maybe a bit easier - you horrible "Mother from Hades" you <snort!> until the next time when you are the greatest thing since sliced bread...

As far as xH and S and the "Love Nest" complete with Crazy Dog goes, well, like you said, it gets xH out of the picture for a while.... and no, D has ZERO obligation to invite him to anything except maybe to invite him to <Not Safe For HS > ... Let's say "to take a long walk off a short pier" or, as my mom used to say, "to go play on the double yellow line on the highway." Of course, that will just continue to justify his pity party and I REALLY hope that BIL can see through the BS to the reality of his actions....

I hope that your Snowmageddon is mild....

[MourningDove]

Kelly4510 - Thank you. Yes, it is frustrating, that is for sure.

My Xh pretty much ditched being a F right out the gate, after having been a very involved F. My frustration at this point, in all honesty is that he reappeared and shook up D's life. It has been over 6 years since he moved out and from that moment when it came to D in particular he just vanished. There were sporadic dinners and weird gifts, but he played games with the support monies and didn't show up when D was in the emergency room early on. So, for her in particular, she was accepting he was out of her life and she was in a decent place in terms of detachment and just living her life - focusing on the things she could control. D had come to accept Xh is not well, but it still really hurts her terribly. This game of his, or whatever anyone wants to call it disrupted her life when she is trying to focus on her studies. It throws her off and messes with her head.

With S, it has been a slower progression and Xh has disappeared slowly there too, but reaches out to S when he needs something. S is picking up on it and adjusting accordingly. We will see how this adventure pans out for S living at Xh's. Last time S stayed for any length of time when Xh travelled like this, Xh didn't have a full refrigerator and was living with a dorm fridge. I think this time, S said the stove doesn't work.

Treasur - D is a spitfire. We often joke about it. She is a redhead and a Leo - that is the first layer - LOL. But, when she was born the doctor laughed and said she clearly was calling the shots. I was 2 weeks overdue for her and they were going to induce me on a Tuesday. She wasn't having it and I went into labor the day before being induced.

When she was 4, she wrote up a contract for Xh to sign. At the time, she loved bacon and wanted it every Saturday. She wrote up a multiple page document and had a place for a signature and places to initial. I am not sure where she got that idea, but it made us laugh back then. That should have been our sign that she was a force to be reckoned with. LOL

I do believe you are right though. D would be too much for Xh to handle in terms of truth darts. She is very much like BIL that she is so close to and why Xh avoids him as well. And, both D and BIL are perhaps going to call a spade a spade, but they both have such huge, giving hearts.

And no, Xh's BS has nothing to do with D or myself. And both of us had to remind ourselves of that in our own ways.

UrsaMajor - First of all - I didn't encounter Snowmageddon. I was out of it's reach. We had some bitter cold, but no snow. Mainly sunny this weekend and a balmy 14º on Saturday. Yesterday, we warmed up and today it is back up to 30º already. By midweek the snow will be pretty much gone and then we are supposed to have a bit of snow by the weekend. It is actually stunning outside today with the sun on the snow. The trees are casting purple shadows onto the snow and because of the type of snowfall we did have, the drifts are smooth, so the shadows are uninterrupted and look like they have been printed on cloth.

As for D and picking a fight. Hmmm, that was what happened essentially with me before the holidays. I was agitated and I could be accused of picking a fight for the same reasons. It had nothing to do with the other person. And I am not normally one that does that, so it was shocking for me, but it also helped me this time. I recognized my own mistake and tried to apply it. I do try and not stick the fork back into the outlet or my forehead.

This morning the doggie alarm was clearly back in working mode. Right on the dot - she jumped on my bed at 7:30. I was awake, but she made sure I was up and out of bed. She was especially excited because S's GF was getting ready for work and D was up getting ready for school. She was not sure what to do with herself and was running around gathering up different toys to bring to me and then would disappear to check on her "herd". I keep hearing both girls tell the puppy to get out from underneath their feet, as she pushed their ankles to try and make sure they were being good "little sheep". When I came down the stairs, I knew I would be corralled as well and was prepared for the doggie being right there pushing me along. As we found ourselves in the kitchen the girls and I laughed and the puppy plopped down on the floor and seemed satisfied we were where we were supposed to be. LOL

She had been quiet most of the weekend. With the bitter cold she stayed inside most of the time or out in the garage with the guys as they worked on C's truck. They had put down a blanket on the floor and she was just happy to be with people.

I am paying for it today. My sister called and could hear noise in the background. She asked if S was watching a movie or something, as it sounded like a cattle stampede. I laughed and told her that no, the puppy was spring-loaded and zooming around the house and that was all 40 lbs of her making that noise. It meant I needed to take her outside and let her run off some of that pent up energy.

MISTAKE!!

I took the dog outside and just like my lab, this dog loves the snow and seems to take one whiff of the snow and it is like some doggie drug. She was running laps at warp speed and rolling around. Then she found a piece of ice that she felt I needed to throw for her. Unlike my lab though, she can't physically withstand the cold for that long, so I had to force her back inside but she wasn't done playing. For 15 minutes she ran around like a lunatic. Now she is crashing from that snow buzz. S came in to say how cute it was that the dog was being so quiet and protective of me - sleeping so peacefully under my chair. S wasn't home for the earlier antics. LOL

D is out of the house for most of the day. S has work, but can do most of it remotely today, so he will be here to help me with bringing in the small compressor so I can use the pneumatic nail gun on the bathroom walls that need shimmed out for the cement board.

I am hoping for a rather quiet, uneventful Monday. 

[UrsaMajor]

Quiet and uneventful Monday goes perfectly together with "pneumatic nail gun." 

Like "Screen Door" and "Submarine...."

[MourningDove]

Quiet and uneventful Monday goes perfectly together with "pneumatic nail gun." 

Like "Screen Door" and "Submarine...."

Hehehe - IDK what you are talking about. For the record, I take safety very seriously with these types of play things. Safety glasses and the like.

Now, if Xh shows up - I can't vouch for my aim.  Just saying. 

You know - it is a good thing these thoughts only go on in my head and I don't act on them. But, I do get a bit of a laugh out of the notion. Thanks for that UrsaMajor. By the way - are you still holding that seat for me on that express bus to Hades?

[KellBell]

Seriously though- power tools can be therapeutic! I love using my hands to create and accomplish things -And a nail gun makes the project go faster so there is that instant gratification part of it too!

Self sufficient ladies are the best!

[UrsaMajor]

Quiet and uneventful Monday goes perfectly together with "pneumatic nail gun." 

Like "Screen Door" and "Submarine...."

Hehehe - IDK what you are talking about. For the record, I take safety very seriously with these types of play things. Safety glasses and the like.

Now, if Xh shows up - I can't vouch for my aim.  Just saying. 

You know - it is a good thing these thoughts only go on in my head and I don't act on them. But, I do get a bit of a laugh out of the notion. Thanks for that UrsaMajor. By the way - are you still holding that seat for me on that express bus to Hades?

[MourningDove]

Kelly4510 - I have never been one to be "helpless" which scares some people. They mistake it for some need to be completely independent. And that is not it. I like having a partner to help me with things. But, the reality is often I don't have that option and the only way to get it done is to do it myself and figure out how to make it happen. It can be very satisfying but I will admit there are days I find myself longing for someone to do some of these things with. Not in terms of the labor aspect as much as being able to share in the experience of being able to accomplish something together. But, it is what it is.

UrsaMajor - I can't recall - are you driving or am I? Or are we back to being passengers? Do you prefer the window or the aisle seat?

The morning started with D grumbling about the puppy who was so very happy to try and help D get ready for school. Apparently, D doesn't need help by being herded along.

I was not ready to get up quite yet. I had a dream that woke me out of a deep sleep at 2:30 am. It took me awhile to shake off whatever I dreamt of - I really can't recall the content. Just know it jarred me enough to make me wake up and stare at the ceiling for another 45 or so minutes.

D felt I should get up and help her with the puppy. The puppy clearly thought that was a good idea. I just wanted to pull the covers over my head and hide from the world for a bit longer. That didn't happen. I was up and realized I needed to fit bloodwork in for the doctor visit I have tomorrow. I am not looking forward to that event. I am sure my B12 is off again among other things. The holiday stress and my lack of paying attention to my diet at all is going to get me a stern talking to I am sure even though I haven't put on weight. I just know I have not been as mindful of being healthy with having S and his friends around. There have been too many days where meals have been low on my priority list and grabbing food without much thought is happening. I know from experience that this drives some numbers up that I don't need happening.

So, part of my focus going into February is getting back to walking more and eating better. At least sitting down and having a healthy meal.

I also have a calendar going with some new exhibits I plan on trying to get into. I need to push myself in a direction.

Toxic aunt sent my M a job listing for me. She thinks she understands what I do and my M was quick to show me my aunt cares. I didn't snap and took a deep breath. The job - not at all in my skill set for one - at least the local one. Then my M pointed to the other with the same company. I laughed and asked my M if she was trying to get me to move out of state - as in across country. She paused and clearly that was not going to make her happy. She balled up the paper and threw it out. I said to her that perhaps it is best we leave the job searches to me and not to people who think they are helping. She agreed.

The sun is out and the weather is spectacular. Hopefully I can find time to walk tomorrow. 

[JohnnyBravo]

I said to her that perhaps it is best we leave the job searches to me and not to people who think they are helping. She agreed.

Jobs, significant others... Best found on one's own.

[UrsaMajor]

I said to her that perhaps it is best we leave the job searches to me and not to people who think they are helping. She agreed.

Jobs, significant others... Best found on one's own.

And no, Mortesbride is STILL driving the bus. She got the honorary License when she got her real one..... But, since I am tall, I'll take an Aisle as long as you don't mind me leaning over you occasionally to look out the window....

[Treasur]

Can i be in a window seat reading a good book? 

[JohnnyBravo]

Speaking of the bus to Hades, as the self-appointed HS Cultural Director, I recommend The Ballad of Buster Scruggs.

(Might be one of the last movies STBXW and I watched together, come to think of it.)

[MourningDove]

JohnnyBravo & UrsaMajor - yes, that is the truth. Especially when the people who seem to want to give advice are like my toxic aunt, whose selections have often been less than stellar. LOL. I am still not sure how she landed my uncle. 

UrsaMajor - I forgot about Mortesbride having that license. LOL. Okay. Aisle seat and yes, you may look out the window. Treasur - LOL - sure, bring a book.

And, it seems we have an HS Cultural Director now - Hahaha. JohnnyBravo, do you require a seat on this bus as well? Or as the Cultural Director will you also be acting as tour guide? So far, I will admit your selections have been rather amusing. LOL.

I forced myself to get myself out of bed and out the door at an early hour. The weather was already sunny and warm, well, winter warm and it is sounding like the calm before the storm. They keep changing the forecast. S is on call for plowing again although they don't anticipate the snow being the type that can't be kept up with and the snowfall for my area is not outrageous. They are more concerned about ice. So, with that in mind, I decided I should take my sister up on her offer to walk and then I would follow her to the mall, yet again to help her with her final area rug selection. I told her on the phone this morning, I was prepared today for any Xh sightings, just in case.

We walked 3.5 miles on the one path, which was incredibly icy this morning, as it was thawing. But, it was still lovely. I had opted to answer the doctor's office and do a telephone visit today since we were just going over numbers. I laughed when the phone rang and the nurse was on the line. She makes me laugh every time I encounter her. She is no nonsense and has a funny sense of humor. She said "girl, what in the he!! is going on with you"? Yah, I know. We had a good chat and I was on the phone with the PA shortly after that. This PA, I have been seeing for the past few years in that office, which I have been going to since I was in college. The PA is the reason I finally got to the bottom of all the pain I was in and I like her. She is a spitfire and I don't mind when she even is direct with me. She is not unkind and will laugh at things like saying she has a terrible time with sweets. She doesn't try to make you feel bad about being human. So, I was waiting to hear her response to those dreaded numbers.

She had my charts from the other doctors I have seen this past month - follow ups and routine checks, so she saw my BP is good and I haven't somehow gained tons of weight, etc. My B12 is where it needs to be finally and leveled back out. But the other numbers shocked her. Her first question was "what has changed the past 6 months, because this makes no sense to see such a spike in your lipids, etc". When I said I was not being mindful of my diet and exercise, she asked specifically what I meant. She paused and asked me something else that I hadn't considered, but should know. She asked if my stress level has been way above normal. Gee, perhaps? 

The more we talked, the more upset I was with myself. If I wanted to see where this lack of self-care has gotten me it was in my bloodwork. She said she suspects, knowing me, I have not been ignoring my diet and getting some exercise, but it is probably that I have been ignoring that need to take time for me and doing what I had done in the past. She commented the only time that my numbers were like this were back when I was going through the divorce. It was this hiccup in my charts. And she is right.

It scared me, TBH to have her put it that way. The last time I really took time for myself was this summer on any regular basis. There have been no morning stretches. No walks - at least like the one's I so craved. I haven't been driving on backroads much. The last real relaxing moment I had was back in July when I had company. I have been on this whirlwind tour of trying to juggle it all and make sure everyone's needs are met. I forgot one ball in the mix - the one that is my part of the equation.

So after the first leg of our walk, I went with my sister to meet up with my parents. She was supposed to have coffee with them this morning and drop something off to them. I tagged along. My M was shocked I was there, as I hadn't mentioned it to her. My sister right away said "I didn't know MD had to clear her schedule with everyone". I don't think my M liked that very well. My sister wasn't mean about it, but she told me later that she sees now that she needs to pick up the slack a bit and help out more.

After having coffee we went for a second walk, down the same trail, but the opposite direction. We have never been down that part of the trail. It was so lovely and quieter on that part of the path. We finished with having walked nearly 7 miles total. I followed her to the mall and we had a quick lunch. I mentioned to her that I was sort of laughing at my PA as she had made a suggestion to me which sort of made me laugh. She wants me to drink a small glass of red wine a couple of times a week and to do so with strict instructions. I am to tell my family to leave me alone for at least half an hour and to just shut the world out and to enjoy that glass of wine. I knew what she was getting at and she is right.

So, the deal is, I am to have bloodwork done in 6 months and make changes - mainly go back to taking better care of myself. If I notice any concerning changes, then to call her, but until then, I can avoid medications.

Now if only, I could get some other people to get on board with this and let me actually have time to myself. Not to be pulling at me and not hearing me express what I need. Sigh.

[UrsaMajor]

<....snip....>

Yeah, Mort hasn't been around in while.

@JohnnyBravo - don't forget, as Cultural Director, you are in charge of snacks and drinks too  <snort!>

The walk sounds nice (except for that "very icy" part)  I have pulled my bike out of the shed a couple of times (my bicycle, not my motorcycle) and ridden into work because I had some stuff I just could not do in Home Office... so that has been a blessing in disguise... getting out and about, although I am the only person on the entire floor of the building where I am working... At least there is no danger for getting the 'rona...

So, it is a good thing that you were at the doc... At least, like the last time, you know what the story is and how to potentially deal with it BEFORE it blows up and makes a big mess...
 

So after the first leg of our walk, I went with my sister to meet up with my parents. She was supposed to have coffee with them this morning and drop something off to them. I tagged along. My M was shocked I was there, as I hadn't mentioned it to her. My sister right away said "I didn't know MD had to clear her schedule with everyone". I don't think my M liked that very well.

Oooooo....Ouchie!

I mentioned to her that I was sort of laughing at my PA as she had made a suggestion to me which sort of made me laugh. She wants me to drink a small glass of red wine a couple of times a week and to do so with strict instructions. I am to tell my family to leave me alone for at least half an hour and to just shut the world out and to enjoy that glass of wine. I knew what she was getting at and she is right.

So, the deal is, I am to have bloodwork done in 6 months and make changes - mainly go back to taking better care of myself. If I notice any concerning changes, then to call her, but until then, I can avoid medications.

Well, THAT part (avoiding medication) is good....

Now if only, I could get some other people to get on board with this and let me actually have time to myself. Not to be pulling at me and not hearing me express what I need. Sigh.

You just need a sign....


and if THAT doesn't work, there is always....

or


Those might help....

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor - Yes, I am glad I actually had the bloodwork done and spoke to the doctor's office. I needed a slap of reality beyond what I have been realizing about the past few months. Those numbers were so out of whack and it is not like I went in and hadn't fasted, etc.

I woke up this morning after nearly 10 hours of sleep. I would blame it on the walk yesterday, but I know better. I decided not to beat myself up about it. I didn't have to go anywhere today, so I gave myself permission to just accept I needed sleep. But, I was still a bit groggy when I came downstairs. The puppy was sleeping and hadn't come in to wake me like she usually does. D was in the kitchen and she mentioned the puppy seems to be lazy today. When that happens and that usually means we are going to be dealing with demon dog the following day, because she will have saved up some energy.

I looked outside and saw the snow was gently falling and figured I would take her for a walk. The temperature was milder and the wind wasn't blowing, so she would be able to handle the cold a bit longer.

Out the door we went and I was still a bit tired and didn't think right away about the fresh fallen snow. The puppy loves when the flakes are huge and drifting downward. She tries to catch them on her tongue, just like a little kid. She jerked forward and I misstepped. My knee didn't particularly care for that maneuver and I knew the minute it happened this is one of those moments where a walk is not going to happen. Ice and rest. UGH. It means that the walk will have to wait and hopefully in a day or two I can get back to walking.

When I came back in, D was on her way out the door. Most of the schools around the area were closed or closing early due to the impending storm. D's college, because it is primarily a campus where students live on campus, rarely closes. She opted for the Zoom version of lecture this morning, but was going in for lab. She has classes tomorrow as well, and opted to stay at my sister's tonight since it is somewhat closer to the campus. Frankly, either way, it is a relief for me to have her there tonight. It gives us both a break and I know she is safe there.

S is on call again for plowing. I haven't told my parents. My M would be pacing and calling me non stop. It isn't that I don't worry some with him being out in the bad weather, but he and I have always had a system. When he was younger and went out on his 4-wheeler in the woods by himself, I made him take his cell phone and check in every few minutes or so. I knew where he was and at first he squawked about it, until my cousin, who raced cars and the like told him he had been out by himself and his 4-wheeler flipped over on him. He was pinned underneath and didn't have his cell phone. Fortunately, his B knew where he was and thought it was odd he wasn't home yet. My S respects my cousin immensely and realized I wasn't trying to control him or prevent him from having fun - I just knew things happen. It was a few weeks later, S had the stupid thing flip over on him in our yard and fortunately it happened on a hillside, so he had room to crawl out from under that. Since those situations, S checked in faithfully, and still does when he is plowing or doing something that is more dangerous or where he is alone. So, I don't worry nearly as much and I know where he is in case of an emergency.

It means it will be just me, the puppy and S's GF tonight at this rate. C will come by after work and deal with the puppy for awhile.

So, this morning that meant, once D left, and S was still sleeping. As I hobbled around, I was trying to think of something that I could accomplish today. I stopped myself and realized I have yet to take a bath in my tub. Everyone else here have taken baths and soaked. The whole point of me not going with just a shower was that I knew I would miss being able to just sometimes relax in a hot bathtub. I have been on this mission to just finish things, that I haven't stopped to actually relax. My pace for the past few months has really been a seemingly non-stop "knock something off the list - or make progress" mindset. That is what has gotten me into some trouble. I hesitated and then kicked myself. This is what got me those crazy numbers in the bloodwork and I need to reset my brain and quit telling myself that I am not allowed to be selfish or sometimes say "F" it.

I found myself lying in the tub and finding some contentment. My decision to move the tub under the window was the right one for me. It was worth the waiting and the grief others gave me. I can see where this summer, when I get the screen replacement I will be able to just look over the orchard and enjoy the warm air rushing in and the night sky. I liked the bright light coming through the window today.

While I relaxed, I was able to really think about what has been holding me up on the finish work. The solutions came so much easier in part because I was relaxed and perhaps because I was actually in the space and could envision it more clearly.

I didn't spend my whole time thinking about projects. I allowed my mind to wander a bit and just be. It has been ages since I have really let go and not cared about the day. I gave myself permission to just blow off today.

I got out and actually put a proper coat of nail polish on my toes. I am not high maintenance but I am not one of those women who stops shaving my legs or just keeping up a routine. I know for me it is not about having a perfect manicure, it is more of a mindset. I am not vain, it is more of a need to keep my own confidence from taking a hit. I realized I hadn't actually put on a coat of nail polish in weeks. The remnants of a color I had put on remained and I realized this is not the path I want to go down.

I haven't been myself. I know that. I have been edgy. I have been stretched to extremes. I knew it as it was happening, but I hadn't allowed myself to step back and say it was okay to be selfish.

Part of it is reminding myself that last year was a nightmare in terms of projects and my unexpected surgery. There are aspects that were blessings. The job thing was a gut punch. The kids and all of the changes going on. It has been a lot. I have been on this mission to somehow put things back together by myself and not given myself some permission to accept that I am but one person. I have not looked out for myself nearly enough. Which is not an easy thing to say, since it sounds so much like the MLCer thought process.

I am going to accept certain things in my life are the way they are. It doesn't mean I am just rolling over and crying "uncle". It simply means, I am going to get myself back to realizing that things like my job situation were not because of something I somehow fouled up. It is circumstantial and I have to figure out something else. It is not fun, but maybe it is what needs to happen. I am going to remind myself that I have done my job with the kids and it is okay for me to say no or to ask, for instance my sister for more help with my parents. I am going to give myself permission to take care of myself more and am going to get back to walking regularly. I need that whole spiritual side to fuel my soul, which seems so very empty at the moment.

I don't want to be this woman on edge again. That is how I felt with BD and this crazy MLC induced, unexpected home repair has probably brought out some of that residual anger at Xh at times. It is that anger with him that has lead to me perhaps projecting at times and I am not happy with myself about it at all. I can only apologize and recognize it as what it was and forgive myself for being human. I just know it has caused damage and it is something I have to just move past at this point.

I know that I am not that person who has been edgy. That is not me at my core nor is it how I have behaved up until now. I really believe the weeks prior to the holidays and with both kids coming up on the end of the semester really just pushed me to that point of just not giving myself time to process properly. I kept pushing myself without a break physically or mentally. That didn't work out well. 

I have spent part of my day looking at some things that I am going to put on my own calendar. Some are things going on in the coming weeks and some are further out. I don't care if I do them alone at this point. I am just not going to keep doing things the way I have been the past few months. I have to find my inner peace again and not let it get hijacked by anyone, including myself.

[UrsaMajor]

I've noticed something in the past .... oh... say .... month in your threads so .....

You have referred to :

t is that anger with him that has lead to me perhaps projecting at times and I am not happy with myself about it at all. I can only apologize and recognize it as what it was and forgive myself for being human. I just know it has caused damage and it is something I have to just move past at this point.

or something similar very often....

I just want to say that, you have apparently apologized to the person in question. Now they get to choose to accept that apology or not. If they do, great, you can move forward together in whatever context you both wish. If they choose NOT to accept it, then there is nothing you can do about it. It is their choice and their consequences.

We can try to make amends and admit to our own shortcomings but we can not force the "offended" party to accept our offering. If they don't, then maybe it is the point to grow forward in different paths and look back on the times together with fond memories but also with the understanding that the future was not to be?

It is also a reflection on the part of the "offended one" to not accept - actually a bit like the LBS not wishing to have the Mid-Lifer back in the end although nowhere near on the same level of destruction caused. There are light-years of difference between the nuclear Holocaust of the MLC vs. the occasional sharp word spoken between people.......

Therefore, you do not get a patented Velvet 2x4 but rather a penguin... <snort>

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor - Okay, I will accept the penguin slap over a velvet 2x4. LOL

But, my thoughts yesterday were not really about that other incident, TBH.

Yes, in regards to apologies, we can't expect anyone to just forgive us. That incident that so upset me - I will give that person whatever time and space they need. Yes, they may walk away or have made a decision. I know my feelings have not changed and I only want them to be happy. That was always my wish for them. I won't manipulate someone I care about, especially someone I let into my innermost circle in order to make myself somehow feel better.

While it has been a recurring "theme" I have been looking at it way beyond that particular incident. That just happened to be something that really jarred me as to how edgy I have been - with people I care about.

D and I have been at each other the past few weeks. I have been at odds with my M more than normal. I have been short a couple of times with S and his friends. And, in part it is because I have been less sassy and more snappy. I have been low on tolerance and patience. And, while sometimes I have reasons to be annoyed or short, I was not myself and it has in fact caused some distress. It is not insurmountable, but I think I just realized with more clarity yesterday that I was not angry so much with all of them, or at least that my responses to them were really more about my underlying anger than about them.

I was trying to express yesterday that I realized I have been angry at Xh and by not allowing myself to actually feel those feelings, it filtered in other places. I so feared that being angry would equate with becoming bitter and resentful that I didn't allow myself to be okay with being a bit pissed off with the situations I have been faced with because of the MLCer's BS fixes. I thought the projects and the physical activity alone would clear my head and get rid of the aggravation. And it didn't fully. I deluded myself the past couple months into believing I was okay when I wasn't really over the frustration and feelings I was having.

This morning, strangely - or perhaps not a coincidence - IDK - I had an article pop up that I read. The article itself wasn't so much memorable or pertinent for me but the author was talking about something in her past that was painful. I couldn't entirely relate to it, but there were a couple of paragraphs that struck me.

"I had been forcing myself to “get over it” and “not think about it,” instead of just feeling it and letting it run its course. I had also quite stupidly assigned a deadline to it.“Well, it’s been five months now, so I should be firetrucking over it.”

"I’m not, and that’s okay. It still hurts, it still stings, it still makes me sad, and I’ll just keep riding that feeling to the healed part, no deadline, just as much firetrucking time as is needed. And I comfort myself with the fact that even if it takes a long time, the day will come when it won’t hurt anymore."

That is really what has been bothering me underneath it all. It has been over 6 years since my divorce. Shouldn't I somehow be past this? I know people in my RL sometimes have assigned some expiration date on the pain and frustration.

Most of the time, I realize, I don't think about Xh nor do I feel the pain, etc, but I failed to recognize that these continual projects and the stress of being the only parent who is available whenever the kids need me has worn on me. The exhaustion played on my emotions. And I know some of it was my own expiration date I have somehow assigned - I shouldn't be feeling this way after this long.

My anger is, or at least was with myself underneath it all for letting it get to this point. For it boiling over into this point where I was looking at numbers on my bloodwork that make it all too real and hard to even argue that yes, I allowed the stress to take over.

It is embarrassing for me to admit it, because I have worked so damn hard to put myself back together and be true to who I am. To find myself angry at Xh was hard. To push the feelings aside upsets me. I had learned to allow myself to feel as needed, and I convinced myself I didn't have time for real tears. I have shed some here and there, but I didn't allow those feelings to run their course. I didn't somehow stop myself and go for a walk or take time to really let go. That is where the anger really is coming from and the part I have to move past.

Unfortunately, I hurt some people along the way. I certainly didn't mean to do that. I never go out looking to hurt anyone, especially those I care about.

It is a sucky lesson to learn, TBH. I can only hope that something positive comes from it in my own growth. I stumbled and I am going to pick myself up again.

This morning when I wanted to be a bit short with my M, I took a deep breath and reminded myself that she was probably texting me at 5:30 am because she was worried about S. I needed to take into consideration that she would be at it all day until her grandson is home safe and I can't really be angry about her caring about his safety. I need to be patient. S had left  at 3 pm yesterday in order to plow. He was on call again for the big storm that rolled in. It was not so much about the accumulation, but the drifting that was problematic. I literally just spoke to him finally at 10:30 am and he had been able to take a break for a couple of hours, but will be back at it until at least midday. I was at least able to tell my M that I had spoken to him and he was warm and had eaten, etc.

D, she is at my sister's at the moment. She too was a bit wound up but I took another deep breath and answered her. I know in the back of her mind she knows Xh is leaving today for his extended trip. Turns out he is driving. Leaving in a storm is just like him  I reminded myself that D's mood might be a big touchy at least initially. It doesn't mean I have to put up with being the whipping post, but I tried to be mindful of my own reactions and not in a tip toe around it manner - simply mindful of how I responded.

I am the one that needs to adjust a bit. I need to do it for my own benefit. I know I need to take time for myself and find that calm inside of me. That is really what I was trying to get across more than anything else. Just recognizing I have not been in sync with my own inner self.

I realize now that it is okay if these emotions arise regarding Xh. I am not sliding backwards if I have these feelings that come creeping in. I need to feel them and release them. The trick is to not let them hijack me again and recognize the need to acknowledge them before they migrate into areas of my life where they have no place.

[MourningDove]

S was home nearly 24 hours after leaving yesterday. He had taken a 3 hour nap at one point, but clocked 20 hours behind the pay loader plowing during the snow storm. His boss was shocked because all the other drivers gave up after 10 hours and some were refusing to go back out to clear their different designated areas. S is stubborn and a hard worker. He told his boss that it was storming through the night and it was easier to keep up with it, instead of traveling home in the conditions and come back. He basically waited the storm out for the ride home. S told me the snow accumulation wasn't the issue at all. It was the wind that made it drift and the ice underneath. He noted several times he felt like he was operating a zamboni across the parking lot and couldn't count on the brakes, so he would slow up and drift. He said the worst part was when his headphones quit working and it meant there was no music to listen to.

S threw some laundry in and then packed up to go start his stay at Xh's. He really wasn't looking forward to going, and I think is having second thoughts about his choice to watch the cottage and the psycho dog. He gave me a hug before he left and called me when he arrived safely. He was going to go crawl into bed and try to sleep for a few hours. I don't anticipate seeing him until Monday morning when he returns to get a few more things that he needs to stay there for the nearly two months.

D came home from my sister's house. The time apart did us both some good. D and my sister get along incredibly well and D has become closer to my niece, now that my niece is past that annoying middle schooler age. She is going to be 16 in a couple of months and is incredibly mature for her age. When D came through the door she shared she was able to work with 2 of her 3 students that were on her schedule today for tutoring by using Zoom, so that worked out well. The other, she suspected blew off today completely.

D wasn't home very long and was going to her BF's family's house for the evening. Her BF has a tournament tomorrow, weather permitting so she might be here part of the day, but she wasn't sure.

D asked me about a text I sent her and she started laughing at me. I admitted I had woken up during the early hours, concerned about S and found myself searching for dogs to adopt. She gave me this knowing look. Yah- okay. I admit it. I know that the puppy is going to be moving out next week. When I was walking with my sister the other day there were people out with their dogs. I miss walking with the dog. It calmed me. As much as, I don't want the responsibility, I also think I like the idea of having a walking companion. The cats won't put up with a leash and walks - LOL. I found a puppy, which shocked me because I was really not thinking puppy. Heck, I really wasn't thinking dog. 

The puppy, she is a rescue and who knows what will happen with the application at this point or if she is even still available. She is another lab, but a mix. The bigger shock was D's response. She was telling me she wanted to be part of the process if we were ready. She had very specific ideas. This little fur ball must have given her the same feeling. But - again - we will see if it is meant to be.

With both kids gone tonight it seems strange. Not bad. Just a different calm, TBH.

I am going to focus on some things around the house this weekend, with the quiet. I have been boxing up things for C for his house. He is nervous but also excited about having a place of his own. My parents, they look forward to having their own space back on the one hand, but I also know they have been so grateful to have him there. This morning, he was up at 4 am and had plowed the driveway for them and shoveled the sidewalk before coming to my house and doing the same thing. My M likes having someone to take care of and I think in many ways, my parents have begun to think of C like an additional grandchild of sorts. In many ways, my sister noted, he actually reminds her of my F's best friend who died nearly 3 years ago - the man that left my sister and I his estate. Her observation was an interesting one - and C has been a blessing in many ways to all of us. For me, he has reminded me that I am very fortunate to have what I do have. I shouldn't take it for granted. And, I have become accustomed to him coming through the door and calling me his nickname for me. I don't replace his M, but I am as close to one as he has.

If the weather behaves, I will get out and take a walk with the puppy. She can handle half way up the road if it is a bit warmer and we put her sweater on her. I know she won't protest. I had to practically drag her back inside this morning. A walk would do us both a world of good, I suspect. 

[xyzcf]

There must be something in the air for I too had a strong urge to get another dog this week. I lost my girl last April. I want the freedom to go more places but with COVID that continues to be quite restrictive.

When I got Kaci 11 years ago, I had no plans to move but 11 years older and I am not sure how long I'll stay in this house with the back yard..and I like labs so that could be a problem if I downsized.

But she was always by my side and I am finding it really really hard ....I always knew in the past when it was time to get a dog and I will know this time when it's the right time.

What color is the puppy?

[forthetrees]

Beware- once you start looking at the pup/dog adoption pages you are just a hair´s breadth away from a pooch in your abode. I got my current one a month after losing my longtime pooch and it was Jan. of 2020. He´s been an amazing buddy but I do now wonder how we´ll/I´ll get in lots of traveling once covid subsides.

[MourningDove]

xyzcf & forthetrees -

We had to put our chocolate lab down in May. She had been with us for 13 years and got all of us through some tough moments.

I think it has been a combination of thoughts for me that has prompted this idea of maybe getting another dog. I don't miss the hair and mud that the lab dragged in. I haven't missed the responsibility - well I didn't while I had the house full of extra kids during the initial pandemic shutdown.

But, I miss having a dog to walk with. Immensely. I think seeing all of the dogs out on the trail the other day solidified that. Having the puppy here has also given me some sense of looking forward to seeing a face at the window to greet me when I come home. This puppy I am watching is not the breed for me. She is too much energy and made my very energetic lab look like a couch potato. So, a dog with an Australian Cattle dog lineage is not in my future. I have agreed to watch her from time to time while they renovate C's house, but I am ready for break from her. LOL

I have gone back and forth, because the concerns I have are not being able to just go places. But, I have 2 cats right now, so no matter what I would have to arrange for someone to care for them. It is certainly a thought that popped in my head as well.

I think with S now officially moving out and D at college most of the time I can see that my load of responsibilities is easing up. And I know my F would love another dog but there is no way that is happening. My M dotes on this puppy now. Having seen people out walking their dogs along the trail made me long for that. For one, in the past the dog gave me a sense of security. I am resistant to walk even along our road by myself now. The trails I like going on away from home are perfect for a canine companion.

I honestly wasn't really looking yet. Pondering and wondering what was out there. And I wasn't thinking puppy at all. But, the one's available around my area either didn't get along with kids or with cats. My neighbors have grandchildren who loved coming to play with the lab. I can't risk having a dog that doesn't respond well to kids. And, well the cats - they loved the lab. They are not sure about this puppy, but that is because she is an older puppy and when they have encountered a smaller puppy, they have put it in it's place quickly and they have bonded with them. That has carried over when they come back and visit as adult dogs. This puppy is just too wound up, although George batted her in the face one day without his claws, so she leaves him alone most of the time.

So, up popped up this little golden lab mix and something just made me think more seriously about it.

IDK. If she isn't available, then I am not going on a hot pursuit. I know it is a long term commitment, that is for sure. I don't ditch things that I commit to. But, I am going to find the dog that makes sense for me or I connect with.

This morning, I woke up and realized that I was truly alone. D will be here during the day today and next week, but her weekends she is usually at her BF's family's house. She opted not to go and sit at the day long tournament. She sometimes goes to keep the score book records, but they had enough help. She is actually relieved to not have an activity scheduled and called to tell me she was going to go to the city nearby to look for something she needs for work. S is at Xh's and I talked to his GF. She said he is completely wiped out and still sleeping.

My parents wanted me to go with them for their morning ritual of going and getting coffee this morning, but I begged off. I am taking advantage of being alone and actually tackling things that can get done without interruption from someone coming through the door. I said to my sister last night that it has been so long since I have been able to actually accomplish a full project on the house without interruption. Little things like cleaning the fridge out and washing it down seems almost impossible at times because people are always coming in and needing things.

The winds picked up and it is very cold at the moment. The sun is hiding behind the clouds at the moment, but keeps peeking out. The forecast says by mid afternoon it will be out full force. If it warms up enough, I will take puppy out for a walk. Tomorrow is supposed to be considerably warmer and sunny as well. Maybe I will be able to get myself back into walking more regularly. Last time I got so addicted to walking, I walked during blizzard type weather, but I know better than doing that with this dog. She is not built for that type of adventure. LOL

[xyzcf]

I know it is a long term commitment, that is for sure. I don't ditch things that I commit to.

Made me smile.

My Kaci was 2 1/2 years when I got her so I did not have to go through any of the puppy stuff which was nice. I would do that again.

I too see so many dogs when I am out walking. I have had sitters stay in my home as Kaci was blind and then had dementia but that ended up being a disaster at time. Last weekend I spoke to a couple out walking their boy and they recommended a kennel out in the country that has tons of outdoor space and if your dog is accepted, they can be outside roaming around safely.

Because my daughter lives in another country, I am always away at Christmas and it has been hard to find pet siting at that time.

FTT:

but I do now wonder how we´ll/I´ll get in lots of traveling once covid subsides.

Unlike 95 % of the people in my state, I have spent much of COVID times alone. Various reasons, my infectious disease background, my connection to Canada which has been much much stricter regarding staying away from others.... I feel myself slipping..hard to explain but I was feeling much better and more alive 2 years ago. Presently I have been in self imposed lockdown since mid Dec.

As much as I would love an animal I seem rather unable to figure out what I want really except some human companionship and some of the activities I enjoyed pre-COVID to be back.

Mainly, as I said before, I have a big yard and should I move, it will be to a place that is much less work and I don't know when that will be if ever for I find it difficult to make changes in my life..it is like COVID has me stuck in quicksand and I can barely move forward.

Interestingly, I have taken care of my therapist's dog for her. He's a puppy and high high energy but he does make me smile.

FTT:

Beware- once you start looking at the pup/dog adoption pages you are just a hair´s breadth away from a pooch in your abode

I hear you but I am drawn to the Lab Rescue organization that I got Miss Kaci from and "fear" that if I see the one I am think I would like, it will be a done deal. Fortunately I have to first be interviewed and have a home inspection done before I can get "approved" to adopt so until I take that step, I am "safe".

[MourningDove]

xyzcf - I am glad I made you smile. 

I will see where the application process takes me. I am not holding my breath at this point. We will see. If it happens or it is the right dog or time, I will know.

I have not been terribly productive the past couple of days. I have gotten things done, but I won't say that I accomplished what I really wanted to get done. But, I am okay with it. I spent last night relaxing in the kitchen for quite a long time, with a glass of wine and a homemade Chinese vegetable soup I had prepared. I quite enjoyed slicing the vegetables and just listening to music. It was nice to have the kitchen not full of additional activity with the kids, who usually take over the kitchen, as it is the place everyone seems to gather in the house.

This morning, I spent the morning talking to C, who had surprised me late last night. He meant to send a text, but had forgotten to hit send and after midnight was at the door. He had forgotten his key to my parent's house and his plans to say at a friend's last night changed. He made the right decision based on what he told me and he apologized for scaring me at first. He slept on the couch and this morning, we had a nice discussion. He told me more about his mom when he saw I was not using half and half in my coffee this morning and had my milk frother going. He was intrigued as to what it was. I told him I had been doing that all spring and summer instead of half and half and I am trying to make some little changes in my life again along with reducing some stress.

C, as he told me about his M said he was glad I was taking care of myself because he couldn't handle another person who is like a M to him have a stroke or heart attack at a young age. He had never told me before the details about her death beyond that she had fallen and then went into a coma. After hearing his story, he paused and asked me since he doesn't have an emergency contact in the area, would I at least consider being that person for him. He said he knew it was a big request.

I didn't hesitate and told him I know how jarring it is to suddenly find yourself having to fill out paperwork and realize things like you aren't sure who to put in those documents. I explained that after my divorce, I had to think about my parents and their age and the kids at the time were both in college, so it was a bit sobering at times to think about the "heaven forbid" scenarios.

He and the other friend were going to go visit S today. He told me before he left that he really was very curious about something. He asked if Xh had always been so manipulative. I must have looked shocked and asked what he meant. C said that every time he has seen Xh there always seems to be this "angle" that benefits him that he said always feels like there is a condition or something else at play. I sighed and said it wasn't always that way, but I have the same feeling about this whole trip that Xh is taking and having S stay at the cottage. I told him it continues to perplex me, as that was not the F the kids knew or the man I was married to.

He started to go out the door and then paused. He smiled and asked if I would watch the "grand puppy" today. I told him that we would be outside playing in the snow drifts later. Which we did. Had it not been so cold today, I honestly was really considering building a giant snowman. The snow was perfect for that type of activity. I am sure that would have had people talking. "What is that crazy divorced artist doing now?". LOL

[UrsaMajor]

"What is that crazy divorced artist doing now?". LOL

Aside from whacking bears with a penguin flipper?

Seriously though...



All that background "stuff" that goes on, especially when the MLC'er is in the background tossing poo-grenades over the wall at us, even indirectly, can certainly be a valid reason to be a little short-fused.... even when we don't want to be, even when it really isn't in our basic nature... add to it that we are unable to target the object of our discontent directly and it does tend to eat at us a bit over time...

This then manifests itself in ways that we are not so happy to experience... but at least a bit of thoughtful reflection can help us to isolate the causes and pin them down so we can work through it and not go around indiscriminately whacking people with penguin flippers... or 2x4s.....

Interesting that C sees the manipulation so clearly... and no wonder GWPWELFV thinks that S moving in with C is a bad idea... MLC'ers don't much cotton to people who can see through their BS... I just hope that for S, the move gives him a different perspective without it causing issues for them/him later... S does seem to be seeing the manipulation for himself though - it just seems that he is more reticent to call a spade a spade..

As for the GWPWELFV driving off in a storm...

Why am I not surprised? Is he expecting people to check up on him to make sure he is OK? If so, who?

[Treasur]

Your collective kindness to C has turned out to be a real blessing, hasn’t it? Funny how often that turns out to be so. (Well for non-MLCers lol).

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor & Treasur - C has been a blessing for all of us, TBH. It is humbling at times to see all that the kids and I do have. And he is really such a good kid. He works hard and has such a pure heart.

For me, it has provided some good conversations that sometimes help me to really think about my own role and that I have had the opportunity to protect my kids. Not everyone gets that. Maybe I need to be reminded in my moments of being so frustrated. And for this kid to ask me to be his emergency contact is not some imposition. I wouldn't do it for just anyone and I know how much trust he must have in me to even request that.

S actually laughed at me this afternoon. He had come to check on me and he saw one of my French presses in the box for the house. S doesn't drink coffee nor does his GF.  I have 3, only because back when FIL lived with us, he drank tons of coffee and my F would stop by for decaf in the afternoon. I had all 3 pots going most days. S also knows those particular stainless French press pots were hard to come by. But, one morning C asked me with great interest how I made my coffee. He had never seen a French press and since then he has made it regularly on the mornings he and S have cooked breakfast. On Sunday, he had prepared the coffee as I made breakfast and said he really liked the whole process and can see why I find it relaxing every morning. So, I explained to S that I figured I didn't need 3 of them anymore and C, seeing as how he appreciates coffee and the whole zen process I have going on deserves his own process in the morning too. Now, he just needs the tea kettle for boiling water, the grinder, and a milk frother 

The reason S stopped to check on me was because I did a thing - as in something so incredibly stupid late yesterday afternoon. I was upstairs bringing some laundry downstairs and was on my way to move things around in the dining nook. I had decided to move all of S's things out into the living room and to move the other things and organize them in the dining nook for now so that it made some sense. It also was going to allow me to open that dining nook up to be able to access those things I would need as I reassemble the bathroom. I had a plan. On my way by my closet I spotted a pair of flip flops that I had thought I had gotten rid of. I slid them on with every intention of throwing them out because they always caught on the rug or other things. I found myself so busy, I hadn't taken them off. I was moving the sinks I have for the bathroom. I still haven't settled on which one will stay and which one S and C can have for the house. I was walking towards the heavier one, tripped and fell into the sink. I caught myself on the book shelf so I didn't fall down all the way, but I slammed my shin into the sink. It immediately had a goose egg that was the size of a golf ball. I iced it immediately and it was the size of a lime by the late evening. Urgent care was closed. I decided not to go to the emergency room and soaked in a tub with Epsom salts and then iced it again. This morning, it was rather sore, but I was able to walk on it and go to my mammogram.

After I left that appointment I felt pain in the back of my leg as well. So, I called my GP who wanted to send me for X-rays. She was worried I have a hairline fracture or something going on. It could be nothing, but she didn't want me walking around on it for days without an X-ray. I was waiting on that when they called back to say the insurance wouldn't cover it unless I come in for an office visit. That means tomorrow morning. Sigh. So, I have been behaving myself all day and grumbling to myself under my breath at how stupid I feel. S saw the bump and shook his head. He didn't go back to work and called to tell his boss he was going to babysit me and do some research for some parts instead that he was going to do tomorrow.

After S did his work, he and I talked about my bed frame that I had offered to give him. He asked me again if I was sure. I had been so proud of that bed when I bought it for myself. It was after Xh. I found this beautiful Mission style sleigh bed made of solid oak. It is insanely heavy and I brought it home and put it all together by myself. I remember S laughing at me when he and D came home and saw I had managed to figure out a way to assemble this queen sized frame by myself. And I do love that bed. But, S wanted a bed with a headboard. He likes to watch TV or read and have something to lean against. When I bought my bed frame, I hadn't considered the alcove I like to put the bed under and I was continually regretting having a footboard to maneuver around as the alcove has the slanted ceilings.

I told him today that I was certain that he should have the bed. He said he would take apart the bed frame for me today and swap out that frame with his. His is just a simple queen sized metal frame and I can either get a headboard or buy a new bed at some point, but it will give me an opportunity to think about the bedroom and that space. I was sorry to see my bed go. I hand't really thought about what it had meant to me, purchasing that on my own. It had been a big step in my healing process and ridding my bedroom of the things Xh left behind.

He slid the metal frame under my bed and it made me feel a little melancholy at first, and yet there was something rather exciting about it TBH. Maybe it is time for a new bed frame and that was my transitional piece. It sort of feels as if now maybe I can truly no longer associate that bed with MLC at all, even though Xh never laid eyes on it.

And, in some ways, I am looking towards some of the changes going on with a different thought process too. I am trying to adjust my perspective and push myself out of this languishing and bit of limbo.

As I gathered up the sheets to put on the bed, S plopped down in the chair in my room and started telling me about his first weekend at Xh's. Hmmmm

The other day, S had made a comment that made me bite back a bit. He had said he wanted to live a simpler life like Xh. I asked what he meant. He went on to explain that Xh has fewer possessions and just it seems simpler. It hit me the wrong way. Rightfully so based on the direction of the conversation. I explained that it is all well and good, except I wanted to point out to S that Xh left me with a lot of things he left behind in his quest for "simplicity" and I am still cleaning out things that are not mine and never were. I was left with Xh's things, including some of his crazy repairs to make right. I still have Xh's artwork that I have for the kids to look through. I have gotten rid of most of FIL's things and I have things left from MIL that both kids have yet to decide if they want. I reminded S that we were left with Xh's clothes and things in the garage and on and on. S laughed and said "and he left the pets and his family". Yah, and there is that mess - LOL.

Today, S was frustrated. He said he was too quick to judge Xh's simple life and think it was the way to go. His list of complaints had me laughing. If I thought Xh had a grand life, I am wrong. He is living like a college student. Maybe that works for him - IDK. I don't need a lot, but little things are making S very grateful. He informed me today that he realizes now how damn hard I have worked to make life more comfortable. Hmmmm. He said that the appliances I bought are certainly better than what Xh has decided are sufficient. A stove where one burner only really works. He did fix the hot water and cold water mix up in the shower, so that is good. S said that Xh only has 2 forks, 2 knives and 2 spoons. He asked me why not at least 4 of each? He said but that wasn't what bugged him. He went to wash the dishes because well when you only have that many utensils you have to wash them and there was no dish soap or sponge or cloth to wash them. S said he spoke to Xh and asked what was up with that. Xh said he uses hand soap and his hands to wash the dishes. S was mortified. Xh used to be such a neat freak. That would have never flown.

I got up right away as S said he was going to stop and buy things. I shook my head and told him that wasn't necessary. I opened up one of the boxes I had already packed this weekend for the move. I had gone through and gleaned down my hand towels and wash cloths. I had sponges and extra dish soap set aside for their big move. S smiled and gave me a big hug.

When he left, I sat and thought about how I need to keep working on my reset. I really got off track for a bit with my mood. It doesn't matter what Xh is doing or what he is up to. He is clearly not the man I knew and maybe he is happy. It doesn't matter in regards to my own path. Yup. I had to fight for what I have now. I may have to fight along the way, but I don't have to fight him anymore. That is the part that I think has been hard to wrap my head around. I logically know the support ending in August cut that tie, but I have become so used to having to deal with Xh, that I don't think it really set in.

I thought about it today. I need to remind myself that even with the MLCer repairs, that I need to tell myself that they are like repairs left by the previous owner.

I came across my little note card that reads "the problem is not the problem; the problem is your attitude about the problem". I had been thinking about my grandmother earlier today. I found that card near her gravesite and always wondered why it was there. Maybe it falling about of my book by my bed today was her reminding me and kicking me in the butt again. I need to change my attitude about some of the things that I have been stumbling over. Sort of like my pesky flip flops - some of these things, like attitudes maybe need tossed. 

[UrsaMajor]

S said that Xh only has 2 forks, 2 knives and 2 spoons. He asked me why not at least 4 of each? He said but that wasn't what bugged him. He went to wash the dishes because well when you only have that many utensils you have to wash them and there was no dish soap or sponge or cloth to wash them. S said he spoke to Xh and asked what was up with that. Xh said he uses hand soap and his hands to wash the dishes.

Sorry (and yes, Hades Bus, here I come) but this reminded me of a joke.....


The young man from the city went to visit his Grandfather in his Grandfathers mountain cabin
The cabin was a bit run-down, had no electricity, water came in from a nearby stream, one might call it "rustic," especially in comparison to what the young man was used to but it was quiet and peaceful in the mountains and the young man was really quite keen on the idea as he walked up to the door.
That evening, the young man's Grandfather made them both dinner and, as he was setting the table, the young man noted that the dishes and glasses were somewhat... well..... his idea of "clean" was different. He remarked to his Grandfather than the dishes needed a good washing.
Grandfather replied, "Son, we're a ways in up in the mountains, ain't got no electric or gas up here and the woods for heating the cabin and the occasional bath so them dishes is as clean as Cold Water can get 'em."
The young man nodded and said "OK." He could understand that such "amenities" were in short supply this far away from the city....
Grandfather told the young man that he'd do the washing up and that the young man should go get his bed situated and his clothes hung up so the young man went and did what his Grandfather recommended. That night the young man slept soundly with the fresh, clean mountain air coming in the window.
The next morning, at breakfast, the young man again noted that the dishes were kind of yucky and there were definitely dried remainders of food stuck to them. He pointed this out to his Grandfather who again told him that they were far away from civilization and that the dishes were as clean as cold water could get them.
That morning, Grandfather sent the young man out with his old truck, a saw and an axe to get some firewood because he knew that they'd be needing it before too long so the young man took off for the forest and began to saw and chop.  That afternoon, the young man, tired form getting all the firewood but proud of the hard day's work he had put in, drove back to the cabin. As he was getting out of the truck, he was suddenly startled by the site of a HUGE black dog running at him, growling and barking.
The young man starts yelling and his grandfather comes around the corner of the cabin, takes one look at the situation and yells, "Hey, Coldwater! You leave that boy alone! He's family!"

Meet Coldwater

[MourningDove]

Oh, UrsaMajor - I read that whole joke. And how...how...how, did I not see that punchline coming? LOL. Funny thing - I have to constantly check for the puppy when I have the dishwasher door open to check for a puppy who thinks the prewash cycle is her job. Worse is when she sneaks in and I find her trying out the freshly cleaned dishes. And for the record - if that little puppy tongue touches any of the dishes, I am running the whole load again. Sorry, but you will not see me sharing an ice cream cone with any of my pets or anything else, at least while I am still eating it.

I think what I found most fascinating and made me shake my head a bit was the fact that when Xh left the house, he sorted through the cookbooks and took all of the ones that were specifically for entertaining. He explicitly told me during one of his rants that he would be hosting all sorts of soirees with important friends and I would never be invited. At the time, it was not the part that he would host a party without me that hurt so much. I don't really like big parties anyways and names and titles don't impress me all that much. I am much more impressed by a person for their character, etc. But, at the time the hardest part to absorb was the hurt he inflicted by essentially going on to tell me I didn't deserve to be invited and I wasn't as good as his friends, etc. I was less than.

I am now thinking how those words cut and yet, I never was impressed by those "friends" to begin with. It was simply the overall cruel manner in which Xh made sure I knew I was not going to be part of his life. Then he would turn and be nice for a bit. All the while, I would fall into that momentary trap of thinking he was backing off of his venomous spew. My "hypnosis" would only last long enough for him to take more things and then I would realize he had taken some of the serving dishes and the better wine glasses, etc. All for the sake of entertaining.

It never was the material things that upset me. Now, there is a certain irony in the speeches Xh gave and it would seem those big events have not occurred at all. Just fantasies of a life he, at the time wanted. But then, he also at one point dreamt of taking the kids, homeschooling them and sailing around the world. Great romantic notion, except, IDK - my sailing abilities were limited to a lake and in a considerably smaller boat. His experience was less than that. So, I am not entirely sure of how realistic that fantasy was. 

Then there was the desire to sell everything and build housing in 3rd world countries. Noble idea. But then it would be about 2 weeks later he showed up in the luxury convertible he had purchased and was planning a trip to Bali with friends.

It boils down to looking back now, at the time I was caught up in all of his continual changing thoughts just trying to either be logical and rational with him sometimes. Or spinning myself just trying to keep up.

I don't miss that at all.

This new revelation that Xh is living the way he is maybe more of a confirmation that he isn't exactly living the way he thought he was. It is not about me looking over and getting any pleasure out of it, TBH. It is maybe realizing that S is getting a really good dose of reality and that is a bit hard to witness. But, I am not the one presenting the hard truth. If Xh is happy. Great. For myself, I don't crave a lot of material things, but I also am not wanting to go to those extremes. S called today again and I can hear that this house sitting venture is already wearing on him.

I was at the doctor's office this morning. I saw someone new in the practice, as my regular PA was booked. He was pleasant and I think because I didn't come in all sad and showing how much pain I was in may have thrown him. The nurse that I have seen for years peeked in and laughed saying to the doctor that I was one of the favorite patients over the years because I am so pleasant and to not let my demeanor fool him. She noted if I was in that office beyond my usual routine visits, I was either really sick or was having some type of pain. He seemed to take her words to heart. He took one look at the mark on my shin and said that it was definitely very swollen. I had told him that last night it was incredibly painful to put the weight of the blankets on my leg and it was very sore overall. He pressed on some areas on my leg that made me sort of wince. I was sent for an X-ray. So far I haven't heard any differently, but he is pretty sure I bruised a bone, which I hadn't considered. I am not happy about it, that is for sure. He informed me it will most likely take several weeks to heal and I am to mind my activity. As in, walking is fine, as long as I don't over do it. Rest and icing, etc. UGH.

I left there and picked up the prescription he sent for stronger ibuprofen for bedtime. Again. UGH. I hate taking anything, but I know I need to be able to sleep.

I felt so stupid for tripping and with the flip flops I knew needed to go out. LOL

I went to order coffee at the grocery store and saw my F was sitting in the cafe area. He was visiting with some of his usual crew, but there was a woman there I have seen before who I have never met, but I know she knows my parents. My F saw me and waved me over. I sat down and heard my F speaking with this woman in French. I could understand most of it and I was laughing as they were talking about origins of words. My F loves language in general. He used to teach my sister and I about words all the time. I spoke to the woman in French but told her I was not going to even begin to try and keep up with their conversation because my own French skills are very rusty. My F had to leave to meet my M, but the woman asked me if I could stay and visit. I smiled and said I would be glad to take some time to do that and drink my coffee.

I found out she lives in an assisted living facility and comes there every Tuesday. She rides the bus with the others, but she still drives and often takes drives on backroads to clear her head or to get away. I laughed when she said she knows other's think she is foolish. I told her I completely understood. LOL. She mentioned she is not a person who lets everyone in- that there are levels. I asked her if they were like rings or inner circles. Her eyes got big and she said "precisely". We sat for an hour and just chatted. It was like seeing what I might be like when I am in my later years. There was this odd comfort, yet there were other things that made me pause and realize that there were things that she said that I so want to hang on to. She loves to still go dancing and does with her BF. I know who that man is - he lives near my own home, actually. Very nice man. But, there were a couple of things that made me pause and realize that she has been deeply hurt is my guess, by a situation.

She told me not to let people in too deeply because you can't trust people - especially women. She alluded to a best friend who you tell everything to and that they get too close and they are only after your man. I sort of smiled and said I had some experience with losing a H, not to a friend, but I understand that hurt.

She was full of advice and most of it I was really liking hearing. She had a twinkle in her eye the whole time and she told me how she tries to see only positives and not to focus on what is wrong in life, because most of what life has to offer is pretty remarkable. I would later find out from my F that she used to hike and go places before she was not able to do as much.

Before I left, she asked me if I would sit with her again on a Tuesday if I was there. I told her I would gladly do that and consider it an honor, considering I know that is not something she offers lightly. She smiled at me and told me I clearly understand her.

And, I did.

That hour was really delightful, TBH. But, I thought about this bit of trust she mentioned. I don't want to close people off. I believe in my inner circles and they work for me. I know I might get hurt by those who are closest to me at times, but aside from Xh and I will call that circumstantial more than his core operating, but the rest of those people I have let get the closest to me, I trust. With their trust, I also hold secrets that only I may know and I know how precious those things are.

Even though Xh is no longer part of that inner circle - and one of the only people that I have ever pushed out of that circle - I would never tell anyone things maybe he told me in confidence. It was never anything salacious or damaging, but things that only I knew - as far as I know. I can't vouch for what OW knows. But I do know that no matter how angry I am with Xh at times, I would never use those things to somehow hurt him in a need for vengeance.

This conversation about trust with this woman is making me think though. I am not criticizing her for her reasons for shutting people out and keeping a boundary. I don't know what pain she has experienced and won't pry. But, for me, I would rather feel hurt and take the risk of trusting people. My intuition is pretty good most of the time and I don't like pain, or causing other's pain. I just realize in order to maybe be in a relationship, which is what I know I want, that it is a risk I will have to take. I don't want to set those boundaries with everyone. This woman seems very happy with her choice to do so. I know, while she and I seem to be kindred spirits on some levels, I don't see that working for me.

[JohnnyBravo]

On my way by my closet I spotted a pair of flip flops that I had thought I had gotten rid of. I slid them on with every intention of throwing them out because they always caught on the rug or other things. I found myself so busy, I hadn't taken them off.

At some point, I realized that 95% of my project mishaps started with, "I'll just finish this one thing, and THEN I'll go pee."

Knock that stuff off, MD!

(And, OUCH!)

[MourningDove]

At some point, I realized that 95% of my project mishaps started with, "I'll just finish this one thing, and THEN I'll go pee."

Knock that stuff off, MD!

(And, OUCH!)

Hahaha - I know that problem too - the "I'll just finish this one thing…" Yup - that is usually when it all goes bad.
Not to worry. I really don't plan on going for any more mishaps. This one is a doozy. It hurts almost as much as when I broke my arm years ago in terms of the tenderness and achy feeling after being up and around for a while. But, I am planning on walking with my sister on Thursday if the weather permits. But no icy walkways nor hills. Probably not the full 6 miles or more either. Exercise, I was told was okay - just no crazy stuff.

My velociraptors - aka my kids -find that this is particularly funny that this mishap did not occur wearing stilettos in the snow and everywhere else I wear them. No - I go for flip flops. Which for anyone who really knows me well, it is all too appropriate. I never do anything in a "normal manner". Nope. If I am going to get hurt, it won't be downhill skiing. I have to make it unusual so I can laugh about it later. Or give my kids something to pick on me about at a later date. LOL

Not only do my kids find that quite funny - my coworker at the gallery, the gallery owner, the students and a couple of regular customers were all in shock when I came hobbling in and wearing - gasp - sneakers. Yes, I do own several pair of sneakers - for the record.  They were hesitant to laugh at first until my coworker, who I adore and she and I laugh all the time at stupid things, couldn't contain her giggles. Yup - I did this in all things - flip flops - inside the house. Not on ice. Not toddling around on stilettos. Flip flops. I am tempted to pull them out of the garbage and launch them with the trap launcher and have my S or C use them as if they were clay "pigeons."

So, I will have a very different wardrobe for a few weeks. No stilettos for MD anytime soon. And some of my boots are out because of the swelling in the shin area. No flip flops of any kind will be on my list. So, it is going to be a very creative time for outfits.

My F thought he would really be a smarty pants and offered up several options for me. He had broken his leg a couple of years ago and found that my grandmother's walker was fantastic instead of crutches. Or he said they have the modified wheelchair cart thingy that my grandmother used in storage. He said he has some fantastic antique canes. D thought she could chime in and she has crutches as well and a full array of "boots" from her ankle injury that she was going to donate, but I was in luck because she has not done that yet. Mind you, they were telling me this as they all were practically crying they were laughing so hard. Then came the comment my F made about how much he liked driving the electric cart around the grocery store. (He did actually find that rather fun at the time). Uh huh. So helpful these family members - LOL. But, I don't need any of those items.

I have strict instructions. Don't over do it. Rest. Elevate my leg and ice it from time to time. I am not loving these rules. 

I took the puppy outside and she is not too happy with me. She is not sure she likes these new rules either. Fortunately, she loves the zap collar. Before anyone goes on a rant about zap collars, we trained her with the beep, not the zap. She associates the collar with times when she can run like a lunatic around the property at full speed and she knows the beep means she is getting too close to doing something she shouldn't. She is actually very responsive to commands - which isn't a surprise with her breed. But, when I am outside with her we usually have the leash on which means a walk or with the collar she is used to me playing chase or running around throwing things. I was staying in the same place and she would come back with the ball, but she wasn't exactly loving this new trick where I remain in one spot. Fortunately S and then D both took her out when they came home. C took her out after dinner and ran her around. But, when she came back in, I got the side eye from her. LOL

What all of this means is I am going to have to now ask for help with things. Rather funny, considering now during the day, I am alone most of the time. I laughed saying I started last year out this way - almost a year ago to the day and was laid up for 12 weeks. I am not liking this tradition - gotta say. LOL

The positives - hmmmm- I need to focus on those. I guess it means I will force myself to do some other things. Maybe I will focus on my artwork more because I can sit if I need to. I can still drive - fortunately, although not long drives as it is my right leg. I don't have to have a cast and it is confirmed it is not a break, so that is a plus. Hmmmm- I have a real excuse to start a fire in the fire pit and put my feet up and relax. Oh, this could be fun - I may have to just come up with all sorts of reasons to embrace this flip flop mishap. 

[UrsaMajor]

<snort>

[MadLuv]

[This new revelation that Xh is living the way he is maybe more of a confirmation that he isn't exactly living the way he thought he was. It is not about me looking over and getting any pleasure out of it, TBH. It is maybe realizing that S is getting a really good dose of reality and that is a bit hard to witness [/quote]
That is hardest thing to witness from the outside of the relationship. Is the kids having to see a new reality and have to question their own reality on a parent so changed.

Wonder how your XH parties are going? Seems if he can’t figure out how to accurately wash a dish, organizing amazing parties may be far from his own reality. Lol. And as far as what OW knows? What she knows is not much. She has a broken man. I don’t think these MLCers ever reveal themselves  again after they leave. They dkn’t know who they are.

[MourningDove]

Wow, UrsaMajor - you went there - LOL

TornupNOMORE - I honestly am not too worried about what XH tells OW or doesn't. At one point, I know XH confided in OW because he thought they were soul mates, and blah, blah, blah. She knew everything about him from what he told me. Now, IDK what that really meant and it really makes no difference in terms of my own situation. Broken or not - those are Xh's secrets to share or not with whomever he now chooses. Whether they are true or not, also is not my concern. Beyond that, it only matters if those things affect me or the kids.

I think what I was trying to get across was that no matter what - it's about how I treat trust. I had a very hard time with the trust being broken to begin with. I also had a difficult time having to use some information to protect myself or the kids during the divorce. I don't like that there is a box of "evidence" that I have stowed away that keeps me safe from OW's antics. I never wanted to have that stuff to begin with and I don't like having it in my possession. Those are all things that are against my core. So, the thought yesterday was that I know Xh's parents used all their secrets they confided in one another against one another. I didn't understand it then and while I can see how it happens, I just will never operate that way. No matter how mad I get with Xh or disgusted - I still take some pride in being one to keep that trust safe on certain things even when Xh may not hold those as dearly. I feel that way about anyone I let into that inner most ring in my life. I guard them in such a fearless, protective manner. And it is not some thing that I somehow want to brag about. This is about my own core and being true to my own character.

It is also about the fear of allowing life to make me put up more walls to protect myself. That is what I gather this woman has done. I don't criticize her for it, for I don't know what her life brought her. I have no way of knowing what my life will bring me. Yet, right now, while I really enjoyed my time with her, I don't want to become that shut off from people. For a person like myself who operates on that whole inner circle aspect of how I let people in, it becomes a possibility to throw a wall up on that inner ring. And, I don't want that. I would rather open my heart and risk being hurt than to close people out.

My day today started out with a hair appointment and then lunch with S. He was telling me that Xh informed him that S should be nice to me and understanding about how long the renovations are taking. S assured me he hasn't been complaining to Xh. S thought it was odd Xh was bringing this up while they were on the phone last night. Of course, my jaded thought was it is because he is staying at BIL's and it wouldn't surprise me that this was for show. But, who knows? No matter what it was rather amusing as Xh's great realization was that "it takes so much longer to do these things when you don't have someone there who is willing to help you out". S looked at me and knew what had to be going through my head - he rolled his eyes and laughed. Yah- you think?

It was not a long conversation nor one that needed to continue.

S grabbed the mail and handed me a handwritten envelope. The penmanship was stunning. Gotta admit. Not loving the contents. It was from some woman who I don't know but she knew who I was a divorced woman - which certainly can be obtained by public records - and my soul needs saved. And she was not exactly kind about it. Wow.

There is something so offensive to me about those types of approaches. It is making assumptions and judgments about people you do not know. She can believe whatever she wants to believe. But, had I received that letter many months ago during my lowest point, I don't think it would have inspired me to find whatever religion she is trying to sell me. And, I am not anti-religion. We all have our beliefs. Frankly, when someone is at their lowest point, I could see that approach ending very differently and not in a positive direction.

So, this letter, really made me sort of want to write a letter back to this woman and say that quite frankly, I am less inclined to even consider her beliefs if this is her approach. If she is the brand ambassador for her church, their marketing approach is flawed.  But, I will leave it alone. I threw out the letter and know that this is not worth my energy.

The irony is perhaps that my divorce actually is what prompted me to revisit my own spiritual side. I have and still pray, but I am much more in tune with my own spiritual side when I am in nature. I find my own answers when I am somehow left to filter out the rest of the world. And, I used to enjoy the rituals I grew up with. But, I don't think I really found my true beliefs until I began walking in nature, way back when and it was just to save myself from self destructing.

It is part of what has been set aside in the past few months. It helped fuel my soul and it is more about if nothing else it gave me a sense of clarity or a feeling of knowing if I felt as though my instincts were leading my down the right path. I realize that it is something I really need to get back on track with. I need to not take that little activity for granted. It helped me at the very least let go of the background noise for long enough to sort out thoughts or to just find a sense of calm.

So maybe in some ways this letter is a blessing in disguise. It sort of makes me agitated enough to think "I will show you" - LOL And, no that does not mean I will be writing a letter or anything like that. Maybe it is that bit of sass showing up to kick my own butt. Now, I just have to remind myself to not over do it right now - Sigh.

[xyzcf]

Gotta admit. Not loving the contents. It was from some woman who I don't know but she knew who I was a divorced woman - which certainly can be obtained by public records - and my soul needs saved. And she was not exactly kind about it. Wow.

That absolutely turned my stomach. what an invasion of privacy!

Honestly, I do not know what gets into people's heads!

[UrsaMajor]

Wow, UrsaMajor - you went there - LOL

Of course... That's why you love me... and why we're sharing front row seats on the Hades bus.... 

It was from some woman who I don't know but she knew who I was a divorced woman - which certainly can be obtained by public records - and my soul needs saved. And she was not exactly kind about it. Wow.

Let's see... like it was YOUR fault? Maybe GWPWELFV should have been the one to be addressed? Those kids of people are exactly why organized religion is loosing people in droves... Those kind of people get the rest painted with that BIG black brush. But, like XYZ said, it is a horrible invasion of privacy and really NONE of the letter-writer's business.... It is obvious that the person in question is operating off their own prejudices/bias and not on reality... I am REALLY sorry that you were on the receiving end... The timing is somewhat ironic as well and one has to ask WHY would this person reach out at this time with this sort of message... With those kinds of letters, one expects there to be no return address or maybe that of a "church" (in which case maybe forwarding the letter intact to the pastor with an additional note explaining why this was so disgusting could be an interesting exercise - perhaps resulting in a little self-reflection in that "church?" - or simply with a reference to Matt &:3 &/or Luke 6:41 - the verses about paying attention to the speck in the eye of your brother while ignoring the log in one's own eye.... )

[Reinventing]

I wouldn't engage at all. Even negative engagement is seen by them as an opening for conversation and they ramp things up with you by stopping by your house, leaving pamphlets taped to your door, more mail, etc.

They are trained in debate, persuasion, etc. It's called apologetics in some organizations and they start their training very young.

[UrsaMajor]

I wouldn't engage at all. Even negative engagement is seen by them as an opening for conversation and they ramp things up with you by stopping by your house, leaving pamphlets taped to your door, more mail, etc.

They are trained in debate, persuasion, etc. It's called apologetics in some organizations and they start their training very young.

True - just like any "cult." Good points

[MourningDove]

Thank you all, xyzcf, Reinventing & UrsaMajor.

I honestly thought I was being super-sensitive. But, the more I have thought about it, it wasn't that at all.

The letter was deceiving all around. I have gotten form letters from churches in the past. This caught me off guard because it was a handwritten letter. Written on lined paper and double sided. Clearly this person had a lot to say. At first, it seemed harmless enough. On the front introducing themselves as someone who attended a church nearby. And then came some quotes from the Bible. It didn't move me per se as I am not "in the market" for a new church, but I continued to read along. It was when I flipped over to the back that I was a bit floored. Clearly, it was implying that perhaps I should be donning a letter on my chest like in "The Scarlet Letter" but maybe a letter "D" for divorced instead of an A.

No matter what, the implication was that because I was no longer married, I must have done something wrong and my soul needs saved.

I suspect this is how things like the witch trials got started. Allowing these types of people's beliefs take hold in society.

I am not sure what I have done to offend her and where she would have any other interaction with me to make such an assumption, but I am going with she just did some basic internet combing and I am not the only recipient of such a letter.

I am ignoring it and not going to respond in any way. It is not worth the drama and giving that person any audience. Frankly, I know how I behave. I know the mistakes I have made and how I try to live my life. I may have a bus ticket to Hades with UrsaMajor, but it is just for a tour. LOL. I am not planning on any long term stays. 

And, it bothered me from the stand point that it stung a bit. I had a hard enough time when Xh's behaviors left me no choice but to divorce to protect myself and the kids. Going against the commitment I had made was incredibly difficult for me to get beyond. I felt I had failed somehow for many months. I blamed myself. I had to go against my core and my beliefs were challenged so many times. It has taken me a long time to forgive myself and to accept I made the right decision for me. To have someone come at me with that letter and those words brought some of those feelings to the surface again, but then I stopped myself from buying into any of that BS they were spewing. They don't know anything about me and do not deserve to know anything more about me. The wall in this case, will go up.

The letter, was shredded yesterday after I got over the shock. And, I realized that people like that are often not going to be swayed by any logic or are themselves so steeped in their own beliefs that they refuse to consider even a healthy debate. I have learned that those people don't apologize and hide behind their Bible quotes and yet don't always live according to the true meaning of those tenants. They seem to think there is a Bible Ala Carte menu.

So this morning, I let that frustration go and chose to meet my sister for one of our walks. We met for breakfast at a new cafe near our usual spot. Our plan was to tackle the normal path along the canal, with the only stipulation I had being we stay on the side that has no hills. I was going to baby my leg and we would assess as we went to know how far I should push it. I had used Kinesio tape, as the doctor recommended and treated it like a sports injury. I had to laugh when he asked if I knew what that was. Ummmm- well because of D's long term ankle issue, we have a whole selection of colors to choose from. Unfortunately, no one would be able to see that I had color coordinated my tape with my outfit, seeing as it was too cold for shorts today. LOL.

The tape did help and all was good. Breakfast was a nice way to start the day and we began our walk. It lasted 20 feet onto the trail. The weather had been very warm yesterday and melted the snow. It had frozen during the night and it was lightly sprinkling. The new bit of rain made for a surface that was insanely slick. We found a couple of sections of packed snow to walk on but I didn't want to tempt fate and my sister laughed and said she didn't want to try out any new X-ray equipment. We started to make another plan to walk at another location, but quickly saw we might encounter the same issues in any outside venue. So, we opted to go to the mall, yet again. SMH.

But, the mall was the best decision in terms of my injury. It was flat and a predictable surface. It allowed for me to sit if I needed to and rest. My afternoon appointment ended up getting cancelled while I was at breakfast, so there was no rush. I didn't tell anyone aside from my sister that my day was now freed up. I don't like keeping secrets, and didn't lie later on, but it meant because people thought I was going to be in a meeting (which was true initially) no one bothered me. And, I gave myself permission to take as long as I needed to walk with resting in between. We still walked our 6 miles. It took way longer and we were not loving the scenery of the same loops over and over, but it was okay. We had some laughs and just had time together.

I came home to find out that D has been researching puppies. The other puppy was adopted by the time my application had gone in. It is just as well, considering there has been a delay in the house closing. It isn't going to be weeks, but the puppy is going to be with me until the end of February at this rate. I don't need 2 of them in the house, especially now with this injury slowing me up.

This weekend, I am virtually alone. D will be home for the weekend, but informs me she will be most likely, spending a large portion of the weekend at her college in the lab and studying. S is bound to be here for a bit, but since he is now house and dog sitting, he is not going to be able to be here most of the weekend. C and S's other friend will no doubt go to spend time at the cottage and hanging out there.

I was angry with myself earlier for the flip flop accident because this weekend would have been the perfect weekend to go for a hike. People have been sending me beautiful photos of waterfalls in the winter that are accessible this time of year. Unfortunately, that is not happening for me now. So, maybe a drive or some other activity. Maybe it is just embracing time in the house. I do know I need to figure out the tile patterning for the bathroom and some other things that I can do and not risk more injury. I will behave if I must. LOL

[Reinventing]

I am not sure what I have done to offend her and where she would have any other interaction with me to make such an assumption, but I am going with she just did some basic internet combing and I am not the only recipient of such a letter.

It's nothing about you specifically, yet at the same time it is a very personal way to do things. It is an aggressive strategy the organization is taking as a group. They are gathering information on people in each of their geographical areas and writing letters to them to try and get a reaction from a few and reel them in to the "fold". Getting you into a "conversation" so they can invite/scare/shame/intrigue you to come to their services.

Divorce and other public records are being used. Widows/widowers and the lonely elderly are being "recruited" as well by scanning obituaries or happenstance meetings at bookclubs or other places like that.

With online components and resources they have created, they are also becoming active on online support systems. For example in this community right here, full of vulnerable people, they could try and steer folks to other online support systems that promote their belief systems.

[UrsaMajor]

I am not sure what I have done to offend her and where she would have any other interaction with me to make such an assumption, but I am going with she just did some basic internet combing and I am not the only recipient of such a letter.

Divorce and other public records are being used. Widows/widowers and the lonely elderly are being "recruited" as well by scanning obituaries or happenstance meetings at bookclubs or other places like that.

Yet another reason that I am quite grateful for the strict Data Protection Laws in Germany/Europe. If people want to put that kind of info out about themselves, fine - their choice, their consequences - but Data scrapers like this "church" seems to be have no rights to such personal data...

Frankly, I know how I behave. I know the mistakes I have made and how I try to live my life. I may have a bus ticket to Hades with UrsaMajor, but it is just for a tour. LOL. I am not planning on any long term stays. 

What? You mean you are going to bail out on me?


<snort>

[Pacman]

MourningDove, This is an absolute invasion of privacy no matter how they got the info.
They prey on the "weak" so to speak or people who are down on their luck .Or so they think.
A bit like an alienator with a MLCer. See an opportunity to grab someone into their fold.
What they don't realise is that you don't need or want their help.
If you did you would go seeking it.

The "church"has a lot to answer for in history and it seems that the scaremongering/bullying/threat tactics continue.

YOU are better than them.

[MourningDove]

Reinventing & Pacman - Thank you.  I realize in reality it was nothing I did. I don't believe I have ever encountered this woman, but my thoughts immediately went there. As in, I think those types of approaches often do make me pause and wonder what I did. In some ways it is a bit of residual left over from MLC. Taking the blame for something I had nothing to do with to begin with. If that makes sense. But, I was quick to realize that, as you pointed out, these people are using these disgusting tactics to promote their "message."

UrsaMajor - we need to talk about this trip to Hades. I was thinking a few weeks perhaps, but maybe you had a different thought. We need to coordinate this a bit better. And no, I am not bailing on you - LOL

I thought about this crazy letter a bit yesterday. Not about the contents as much as something a very dear friend of mine said many years ago.

He was a man who was by then in his 70's and had many reasons to be angry with some of what life had thrown him. Yet, by the time I knew him, he was a gentle soul who very willingly talked about his formerly jaded opinions and how he changed his viewpoint and began to embrace the good instead of anger and hatred. D doesn't remember him, but S often talks about this man with great fondness and how he had such amazing stories and S thought so highly of him. S mentioned the other day, how he missed seeing that friend, who has since passed away, sitting on the back deck and sipping lemonade.

The comment he made that has always stuck with me, especially given his background, was that we as humans can come together and collectively with good in our hearts do wonderful things to make this earth a better place for one another. He said those same humans, with even the change in one person and the dynamic can be equally destructive.

This church has been in the area for many years. They have their own beliefs and I have had plenty times where they have gone out and "spread the word" via their usual means. I know what their overall message has been. Not my cup of tea, but I was never outwardly offended by them. But in all the years that they have coexisted in this community, I have never experienced this type of, well, an attack. Something within their community, I suspect has changed. The trick is, it doesn't have to change me. But, it does trouble me on a certain level, because the one area I get very upset about is when these types of people prey on the vulnerable, like say my former students. The protective side of me comes out.

But, I am letting it go. I don't want to participate in their drama and theatrics. It is not worth my energy when I can focus on the things I can control and make changes that are perhaps more positive.

I am not able to help with the community project at the moment due to my "flip-flop fail" but that is where I would rather place my energy. Being involved in something that is good and productive, whether it be for a group or for myself.

Yesterday, my M brought up my Xh. She asked me about if he was working and then followed up with another question. I decided to be kind to myself and asked her if we could quit talking about my Xh and what he is doing or how messed up he is. I get it when the kids are troubled or I encounter him, but I rarely bring him up and I don't wish him unwell, but the truth of the matter is, since his actions no longer affect me directly, I need to not know what goes on or discuss him. It brings up feelings sometimes that I am not allowed to move on when we bring him to the surface. I have grieved that loss and I don't want to keep discussing it in my day to day life. She understood and I know it will take time for her to see that I am serious. I don't want to discuss Xh. I would rather focus on my own interests and life now.

I am looking at finding ways to fuel my soul. I was ready for a short walk this morning, but the warm air melted the snow enough to create a complete sheet of ice on my driveway and even the snow banks themselves. While they have melted back and the grass is showing through, they are icy enough the puppy could barely stand. I am thinking that a walk is not on my list until perhaps later today.

I have some work I can do on the house that won't require some gymnastics or dangerous stunts and still make progress.

I am looking at this week and with both kids out of the house, essentially, I am feeling this desire to really run a bit free. Oh sure, I am going to be having to go to my parent's house and probably deal with some computer issue or who knows what during the week, but I am going to take some time to do some things that I have been craving. Since hiking is out for now, I had to change my perspective a bit and realize I am not somehow without opportunities. I came across a lecture on the Civil War coming up towards the end of the week and am thinking I will try and make that event. I need something to fuel my nerdy side. A history lesson might be right up my alley.

And I need to get back into drawing from life. I can't go out and work outside with this injury, so figure drawing would be a good exercise. I am looking into another location that offers figure drawing as the organization that offered it before shut down during the pandemic and are starting back up but that won't be for several weeks.

I signed up for an exhibit in the spring that requires me either sending my work or delivering it. I have already decided to take a road trip. It may be a long day drive up and back or maybe I will extend it out. Time will tell.

[Maleficent]

Mourning Dove, not trying to hijack your thread or the bus to Hades, but please save me a seat. A window seat.  I do not know if this will make you feel better or worse, but I recently received a similar letter. And I don't think I'm in a nearby state or location to you. The letter had impeccable penmanship - it was in a small envelope with no return address.  The letter was handwritten on both sides of the lined paper and signed.  My neighbor brought the letter over by hand because it had gotten mixed up in her mail, and I opened it while she was here and we both looked at it incredulously. She didn't get a similar letter and the name didn't sound familiar to us. I have so much crazy going on now that I put the letter in the crazy pile. Then I read your thread this week and examined the letter. I still don't have it in me to read it, but it all makes sense. I googled the letter writer and she doesn't live in my town, 15 miles away, but she is in my county- and divorce files here are by county.  She addressed the letter to our family and used my husband's last name.  The letter writer is likely in her late 70s according to Google, and she lost an adult son in recent years and it looks from the obituary that he was divorced from his wife as well. So I had a little compassion for her, but it made me angry that people are reviewing probate court files with personal details of our lives and our pain.  Anyway, on the bus with you.
( And I'm silently following your journaling and trying to model your strength, so thank you for continuing to write.)

[MourningDove]

Maleficent - You know years ago, I used to get chain letters that were hand written and at first this one reminded me of that. I had a feeling of "oh, you have got to be kidding me" before I read it. I recommend if anyone else gets one, don't bother reading it. Mine had a return address with the woman's name, but it was the church's address.

I think what gets to me now is that it is presumptuous of anyone who doesn't know another's story to just see something like "divorce" in a public document and judge. There are so many situations where a divorce can be more than a standard Hollywood scripted version of "we grew apart." And even then - we are not walking in that person's shoes or on their path. Without any information beyond seeing it in public records, it is someone passing judgement. From what I recall from my Sunday school teachings, that is a pretty big no no as it is. But, I guess that doesn't apply. 

As for room on the bus to Hades - I am sure we can save you a window seat. We will have to check in with the HS Cultural Director to see what the on board entertainment will be. LOL

As for my strength - I am not sure about that some days. It has gotten me into trouble in more ways than one - LOL. But, I am truly humbled and am shocked any of my rambling or what goes on in my head, much less my life is terribly interesting or helpful. But, thank you. 

With that said - I may have to put a warning in my posts when it comes to things like my flip flop fail - Do not attempt this or reenact it for you own safety - LOL. I am paying dearly for that injury. This morning, my plan was to just get things done around the house. I was going to take it easy. Hah - yah, I am taking it way easier than I originally envisioned. As in, I have spent a good portion of the day on the couch with ice or heat and my foot elevated. I discovered this is apparently normal with this type of injury, but I am now rocking a fantastic swollen ankle with a bruise that is a whole rainbow of colors encompassing my ankle and up my leg. I felt tender when I got up and looked down I thought I was seeing things. I didn't anticipate this bruising with an injury to my shin, which has it's own bruising and swelling. Not loving this. Those flip flops really should have been shot out of a cannon or should have met some type of destructive end.

I am trying to avoid getting sucked into TV, so I trying to find things to occupy myself that keep me off of my feet for awhile. I tried to sketch and work on some artwork, but the puppy is not allowing for that to happen. She thinks she is a great help trying to "catch" the moving pencil. So, that hasn't been terribly productive. S and his friend "T" stopped take the dog out before going back to the cottage for the night. D made dinner. So I am going to find a good book or something and hope the puppy is quiet for the night after they run her around.

[Reinventing]

And URSA, the first images from Webb were from URSA Major. Just saying.

[JohnnyBravo]

As for room on the bus to Hades - I am sure we can save you a window seat. We will have to check in with the HS Cultural Director to see what the on board entertainment will be. LOL

I realize I have a lot of competition with the music side, so I should probably stick with movies. Speaking of which, Feb 9th was the anniversary of the release of The Warriors.

And beggin' the captain's pardon, but I thought we were all on this site because we already found ourselves ON the bus to Hades, and we want to get the heck OFF. 

[Reinventing]

But in all the years that they have coexisted in this community, I have never experienced this type of, well, an attack. Something within their community, I suspect has changed.

Yes, COVID changed their capacity to go door-to-door and so they changed to letter writing as a tactic.

For some churches, declining numbers of young folks joining the church has changed who they are trying to bring into the fold. I've heard of more than one elderly person who lost their spouse in their end years being invited to join groups doing non-religious things and then the conversation slowly turns to attempting to change their religious beliefs. They then bring a person who converted from that religion to talk to the elderly widow or widower. It is a concerted and organized effort and of course it eventually goes with attempting to change wills and to raise donations.

They are taught how to persuade and debate so there is an answer for everything, written materials to leave with the person to read, and they are specifically trained how to do all this.

[Thunder]

Oh yes they are using the super markets now too.   

I had a lady, in Walmart, who slowly walked by me smiling and staring at me like she knew me.  I just thought maybe she just wasn't all there, hey I'm talking Walmart.

I finally just said hello as we passed each other...well that set he off with her spiel.
Did I know I was going to heaven?

I just said, yup and kept walking, she kept talking to me until I couldn't hear her anymore.  Do you want me to explain how Jesus helps you get there????Ha ha

So look out for the "smiley's" when you're shopping.

[MourningDove]

I realize I have a lot of competition with the music side, so I should probably stick with movies. Speaking of which, Feb 9th was the anniversary of the release of The Warriors.

And beggin' the captain's pardon, but I thought we were all on this site because we already found ourselves ON the bus to Hades, and we want to get the heck OFF. 

Ah, interesting. I hadn't considered perhaps we keep taking detours on this road trip and our objective is to get out of Hades. Hmmmm. Well, I must admit, at least I am kind of having some fun along the way. Oops. LOL

Reinventing & Thunder - Their interactions are for me, exhausting. Sigh

I am not feeling terribly strong today. I am frustrated and my family is not helping. My M has gone into hyper concerned and checking on me non stop. She feels helpless, I am sure. Thankfully, she has not seen my ankle or I would be moved back up to their house and under house arrest. LOL. S isn't here today. C stayed over at a friend's house and he hasn't surfaced yet. S's friend T did show up to work in the garage and saved me from the puppy, who has been a demon all morning. She is full of extra energy and needed a good run. She kept pouncing on me this morning thinking it was a game all while I was trying to ice my leg. After taking her out for her morning routine, she proceeded to still have 3 accidents in a span of 3 hours because she got too busy to stop playing. That is not her normal routine - hence today she is really wound up.

D showed up and is all worried about the bathroom getting done. That is how she greeted me this morning. I wanted to just scream. I went in and drew a bath for myself and tried to hide from the world. That lasted 10 minutes.

I don't know how I am going to get anything done. I am having a hard time figuring it out at the moment. I know I have to let my leg heal more and behave. I have to be able to do things that allow me to keep my leg elevated with this swelling. I just feel completely helpless at the moment and frustrated beyond belief. I can't even relax enough to embrace this as a "day off". And part of it is because no one is letting me.

D is so stressed out for a variety of reasons. She is convinced things won't get done now and like Xh she is not good with having to deal with any hiccups that mess up her routine. Gee, sorry kid - I was aiming to move the sink, not smash it against my shin - my bad.  Twenty one year olds are really so self absorbed sometimes and it drives me insane. She started on the whole dramatic "if this doesn't get done soon, I am moving out". Oh, I wanted to just snap back at her because that pushes my buttons - those types of veiled threats like Xh made. I paused and looked at her and I think she was shocked. I told her "do what you feel you have to do. It is not what I want nor am I the one pushing, but do as you wish. You are an adult.". Of course, then came the "you would like that" response. SMH

I could feel myself just wanting to scream. Yes, I will admit, I was filled with sudden sarcasm. Not pretty. I looked at her and said "yes, that has been my evil plan all along. You caught me. I busted my butt to keep the house and then I removed the offending screws in the pipes, just to destroy three rooms in the house. Then I rebuild your (D's) room first so that you can move back in only to make sure I slam my shin against a sink so that my ultimate goal is reached - to make you move out."

Okay - not my finest moment. But, I have had it and it isn't even noon.

I feel like an utter failure right now and I have to work out of that mindset. I would say a walk would help, but that is out of the question. LOL. I will push past this. I need to just stay away from people. I have turned my home phone to mute as well as my cell phone. It will only ring if there is an emergency. I am off the clock.

[UrsaMajor]

Actually, I am not convinced that your reply to D was not totally in order...

She needs to get a good dose of reality and experience the fact that her self-centered rants are not only inappropriate but also totally unacceptable and out of line. If she is so freaking concerned about things getting done, then she should be contributing to making sure they get done rather than spending the weekend off with BF or whatever... and her sarcastic snark being met with an equal and opposite dose of the same in return might just be an eye-opener that you are not a punching bag for her bad mood and inability to cope...

And you being off-the-clock for a while is also an appropriate reaction.... especially if you are lugging around a softball between your shin and foot.... 

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor - Things settled down shortly after that exchange. In all fairness, D does help out a great deal. I can't say she doesn't. She makes dinner every night, in part because she likes to cook, but it does help me when I am able to work. And most times she is very thoughtful and has a big, tender heart. She just has a hard outer shell other times and is a lot like Xh. Any chaos when she is stressed leads to what happened yesterday. And, it isn't acceptable. At all.

The problem for me is not just that behavior. It is that when she gets that way, it reminds me of Xh and I bristle even more. I have to count to 10 and remind myself that she is not him and not all of his qualities were bad. It is her phrasing that sets me off. I have to just think about how I am going to respond because I certainly don't want to do the "OMG, you sound just like your F" knee jerk reaction.

And, I have been around enough 21 year olds to know that being self absorbed is not uncommon. Their problems are the only ones in existence some times.

But, again - doesn't excuse it. I just remind myself most times so that it doesn't escalate into something more than it actually is.

After I bit back and then went into hiding, I came out to find the kitchen had been full cleaned and D was making dinner. I spent my day in the library with my leg elevated and working on some potential class offerings. The puppy spent the remaining part of the day at my feet and D did take her out without me asking.

This morning, it is like nothing happened and the world is back in order. At least in that part of my life - LOL

I decided I probably should see an orthopedic. I know bruises often appear later, but the additional swelling and pain concerns me. I figured I would rather be safe than sorry. I don't typically get too concerned, but it dawned on me that if I let this go and it is something worse, it might do my hiking and walking completely in for weeks or worse. And OMG - what if I can't wear my stilettos anymore -  LOL.

I called and made an appointment for later today. I think I stumped the woman at the front desk. She was trying to figure out how my name popped up immediately and sounded familiar, yet I had not been a patient of theirs. My last name is not that terribly common in this area, so that does add to the dynamic. I laughed and said that I am on both S's and D's accounts listed as a primary contact. S had been in there a couple of times over the years, but I told her I suspected she knows me from D and her frequent flyer status. D at one point knew the Dr's schedule better than the front desk - which location he was at on what days or what days were his surgical days. But, I won't be seeing that doctor. I will see the specialist for sports injuries, which is amusing to me right now. Is there a sport that involves flip flops and sinks? 

There are flurries in the air today and the sun is out. My library has drapes on the front windows that I threw open. I have a spectacular view of the hillside across the way and it is truly stunning this morning with the little silvery, glistening flakes of snow falling down. I am going to embrace it for today. By tomorrow the temps are going up and by the time midweek rolls around, it is supposed to be like spring weather. It could mean that with mild temps right now, we may pay for it in March. I am just hoping that I can get outside this week when it is warm and sunny. I would have gone out yesterday had it not been for the swelling in the ankle and the ice that keeps forming due to the freeze/thaw pattern.

I am going to see what kind of trouble I can stay out of today.

[UrsaMajor]

Na ja, 21-year-olds... Can't live with 'em and can't hang 'em by their toes from the ceiling fan either...

I guess the time form 15-22 is just... well.... they know EVERYTHIG, see themselves and the center of the Universe, and that the world should revolve around them... until it doesn't and then they are surprised.... Actually , sort of like a Mid-Lifer in many respects but, at THAT time of life (15-22), it is to be expected as it is part of the maturing process... with 40-50+ it is a bit late in the game....

As for being the , that happens... We reach a limit and then <snap>

Good idea to hide and, as you noted, there was a bit of reflection on D's part so she appeared to want to make it up to you (Acts of Service?)

So, let us know what the Orthopod says.... Hopefully NOT a hairline fracture somewhere

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor - LOL. I guess my kids should be thankful we don't own a ceiling fan 

S came in and admitted it isn't easy coming home and having to think about what to make for dinner or having to buy groceries. He out and out said to me that he has a new appreciation for when I have come through the door and still did laundry, dinners, helped them with homework etc, after commuting from my jobs over the years.

D definitely leans towards Acts of Service as one of her love languages. Last night, as she made dinner, I was washing the dishes as she did the prep work. I wasn't really paying attention, as she was listening to a lecture while she cooked. I can't say I could keep up with her 300 level Cell Bio course lecture  so I was just thinking enjoying the moment of "normal" activity. I suddenly heard a cup being slid along the counter towards me. I thought it was something to wash, but I looked over to catch D with a Cheshire Cat grin and a hot chocolate with whipped cream and chocolate shavings on top. She whispered "Happy Valentine's Day" to me and went back to her lecture.

As for the doctor's assessment…it's a bad bone bruise and the extra swelling is from the tibia rubbing when I walk. So, I am so lucky because he gave me a boot to wear. Oh, it is the latest in fashion and everyone is going to want one. LOL. Okay, maybe not. I am to wear it during the day. I can drive and the like when I have it off, but I am to wear it for about 4 weeks to help isolate the injury and keep my ankle, etc stable and from swelling. It is clunky and awkward, but I will admit, it does help the injury hurt less. And, the trick was trying to find shoe for my left foot that is similar in height so that I don't throw my gait off so much that I will need PT on top of it. That was a trick D mentioned to me, as she has had a whole array of boots since her ankle injury.

It is putting a real damper on my idea of long walks with my sister, at least outside. I may have to accept the mall may be where I go for now, as at least there aren't icy patches. Sigh.

It is disappointing, as I had so wanted to see this one park in the winter. The waterfalls that are frozen right now are spectacular based on the photos a few people have been sharing. Unless we have a winter that extends past March, which is possible, I am out of luck. No way I can manage or will attempt that feat. There are too many hills and steps alone the way.

My Civil War lecture is also off the schedule, as there is an ice storm predicted for that area. I am kind of hoping they postpone.

But, I am not letting this boot get in my way. I am going to be mindful and behave in ways that don't somehow risk more injury. It means a reset of my thought process. It is an inconvenience and it does make some things impossible right now. It isn't the first time life has thrown me a curve ball. I keep reminding myself it could have been so much worse. 

[OffRoad]

You guys, it's the Wizard's bus THROUGH Hades. We are all to awesome to STAY there but it does run on a loop sometimes.....

[JohnnyBravo]

You guys, it's the Wizard's bus THROUGH Hades. We are all to awesome to STAY there but it does run on a loop sometimes.....

That would explain the swill they're trying to pass off as Scotch on this ride...

[UrsaMajor]

You guys, it's the Wizard's bus THROUGH Hades. We are all to awesome to STAY there but it does run on a loop sometimes.....

That would explain the swill they're trying to pass off as Scotch on this ride...

<snort>

It would also perhaps explain the funny shoes people are wearing....

[MourningDove]

OffRoad - LOL

JohnnyBravo - you are now officially in charge of food and beverage as well. I will confess I am a snob when it comes to certain things - Scotch being one. Swill is unacceptable. LOL

UrsaMajor - at least those of us with funny shoes are not drinking from them. And, what is that concoction because it concerns me almost more than the attire. LOL

Wow you know, I was the kid who willingly sat near the front of the bus, because I was that well behaved. In fact, the guy who I went to school with who some time ago offered to exchange the work my S did on his truck to fix my driveway - the bad boy - remembered me as the cute girl who always had her nose in a book.  With this crew, I fear I am going to be told to come to the front of the bus now for misbehaving. LOL -- Sign me up. 

[MourningDove]

I had to change my perspective. The shin injury really put me in a mindset where I could have travelled down a poor me path. I had to stop and turn back. I am still frustrated and I know it is temporary, but it felt like just another hurdle. I felt like everywhere I looked there was nothing but mountains in front of me. And perhaps there are. I know that is part of life and you have to sometimes climb up and over. I am tired. But, at some point this past weekend, after a week that had been full of little disappointments I decided to take a different approach.

I figured my desire to help out on the community project was all but done. They had a deadline of end of February. I decided Sunday night to reach out to my friend. Seems there has been a change of plans and they have a bigger project approved and now it is looking like April. I told him my shin injury makes it a bit tougher but I would love to help. He gave me the contact for the person scheduling time and he said not to worry because he saw opportunity even if I did no physical work. I had to trust him.

About an hour later my former coworker from the gallery reached out and asked if we could meet this week, after last week was a bust.

Yesterday, I set out on my full day with my boot packed, because, well, I knew I needed to behave. LOL. I walked into this space and my friend wasn't there. He had an emergency, but I was greeted by a woman who immediately felt like an old friend. A kindred spirit of sorts. When the second woman showed up, an absolute spitfire but someone I could also relate to, I realized I was where I needed to be. The three of us worked all afternoon and I laughed as they caught me climbing the bottom rung of the ladder to reach something. They yelled at me as they giggled. My friend checked in during the afternoon and they had him on speaker phone. I was working away and he started gushing about me. He is not one to behave that way unless it is sincere. He told them to ask me about some very specific things, a life that I lived in a different realm of the creative world and one I am grateful for the knowledge, but not one I want to repeat. But, I know the skills and knowledge I acquired is unique. I just often discount it's importance to my own life. That is, I often consider it rather useless information beyond being able to talk about it or discuss it when someone asks.

Perhaps part of that is because that job was not something I ended up loving. In part it was a soul sucking job on some levels, in part because of the politics involved. I loved other aspects. And part of it was I was thrown into a really bad situation to try and hold things together and had become the Executive Director overnight while still holding down the other job I had there. I was the go-to-girl. And the problem is that it was just as MLC was rolling in. It made Xh furious that I had this title. He hated I was suddenly donning suits and hopping on flights to travel leaving him to deal with FIL on his own. The kids were old enough it wasn't an issue. And it wasn't often. But every time I had a meeting every six months in the city that required me to fly out for an overnight or a couple of days for the annual conference, he would become agitated.

The last conference I attended was very memorable. He knew exactly where I was. He knew there was no cell reception in that part of the state. We had vacationed in that area countless times. And the nearest town was not a stone's throw. I would find the one spot on the compound where I could check in, but the cell service was spotty and WIFI wasn't a thing. Dial up was all they had, so that too was a crap shoot. He accused me of ignoring he and the kids because I must have been having a blast. Hardly. The beds were hard as rocks and that particular conference was not the usual team building type thing, but all about the changes coming down the pike and heavy workshops on documenting and the government mandated changes. Even our meals during that conference were laden with business. There were no hikes or retreats. The year before, it had been a different story and I had been able to share with him.

He thought so little of my job and that organization. A jealousy that I didn't realize was in fact the situation until later. I thought it was simply that he didn't think my job was anything worthy of having - it was playtime. That was a MLC viewpoint. Prior to that Xh would have been there at my side. I was there long enough to see the divorce rolling in and when they moved the largest part of my position out of the area I opted to not follow. I don't regret leaving. I miss the people I worked with.

So, yesterday the conversation came up about something very specific within that organization and I was able to shine some light on it. Then came more questions. I didn't share anything that was somehow secret, just bylaws and protocol for that type of organization. Things like the laws on donations and earmarking, etc. Where to find out certain things that are in fact public information and not hidden on purpose, just not things most people would realize have to be publicly reported. These women thought my name should be Alexa.

After being there all day, we were laughing and working our butts off. We all shared some things and I know now why my friend decided to join this team. They each have their specific skill set and respect one another.

It was what I needed. I could honestly feel as if my soul was being shaken from some deep hibernation.

In that moment one of the women mentioned where she lives full time. It is the small town where FIL is from. I laughed. What were the odds? This is a middle of no where town where I was and FIL's hometown is another state and if where I was is considered the middle of no where, then FIL's hometown is even more remote. We laughed when I said I knew where that town was, although I had never set foot there myself. In the next instant she shared something else. It was one of those things I sort of smiled and made me think of someone else. On my way home I decided the universe was having some fun. I had been trying to shake the thoughts out of my head and then there it was yet again. And it was the thing she said that was so incredibly bizarre in the sense that "what are the odds"?. I know in my heart that it is pretty odd.

I met my friend for coffee and we spent the couple of hours catching up. She looks happy. When I saw her last, she was going through a difficult time with a relationship that my other coworker and I were convinced was toxic. I was in the middle of my divorce and the aftermath. We both admitted how much happier we both are now. Things are okay even if they are tough at times.

She is with a new man and moved in with him. She mentioned where she lives and it is down the street from Xh. Turns out I mentioned to S later and her BF is friendly with XH. I laughed and said "of course". There is only one bar in town and the BF used to bartend. But, my friend invited me to come visit and meet her BF. I am not hesitating to do that. I don't care if Xh is buddies or not. Maybe it is just Xh saying it is his friend. IDC. I am going to enjoy time with my former coworker. We admitted how much we missed seeing one another and while she is way younger than I am, we get along so well.

She told me she quit her executive job and then worked a couple of places after the gallery. I asked what she was doing. She laughed and asked if I recall her side gig when she was at the gallery. I did. She said when she quit the last job she was terrified, but she felt like she had nothing left. She worked 6-7 days a week. Made great money but it came at the cost of her happiness. She said it was fine for a bit because it kept her busy and away from the former BF. She worked through that, but after a couple of years she said she just felt depleted. It didn't make her happy. So she just quit. Lived off of her savings and then asked herself when was she the happiest over the years and what did she need and want.

She came to she wanted to have time for herself. She wanted to take care of herself and her health - mental and physical. She wanted very little material items in the grand scheme. She wanted to pay her bills and be able to feel comfortable but she didn't care about the same things she once did. So, she at first took rebooted the side gig to keep afloat and she found herself just blissful. She said it grew from there and she works 9 months out of the year and has her winters off to travel.

When I left I thought about my day. I need to find what makes me happy and feeds my soul. IDK what that means in the grand scheme yet, but I know what things I don't want. I know when I have been the happiest in recent years and months. It was having laughter in my life and someone to share those little moments with. I was happy when I was using my skills and teaching or sharing while I also learned along the way. It fueled my own happiness.

This. morning my M asked about my day yesterday. I mentioned a text I had from the one woman this morning and the conversation she, the other woman and my friend had. They said I should be that organization's Executive Director. It is not a position that is open right now, but I laughed and said I wouldn't accept it anyways. I was flattered, but that job is not what I want any part of. I told her I would gladly consult them in those areas if I can come and paint some more, etc. I am going back next week. When I mentioned it to my M, she was quick to say "gosh, I hope you turn down any job like that". I was a bit shocked. It paid really well. My M right away said that no, she saw how it really took so much from my creative side and wasn't something that made me happy even without the Xh factor. It was not what I should be doing.

This morning when I briefly checked the news, I felt sick. The world has gone insane - it is confirmed. I don't have any answers to what I am going to do in the long term. I did decide that life is way too short and I am going to tunnel through some of these mountains that seem to be in my path. Oh sure, the universe may be handing my a spoon to dig my way through, but I am going to try and find a way to blast through parts of it. Yesterday, lit a spark that I have needed to reignite.

I will find ways to laugh and find my bliss. I have time now to focus more on myself. S is busy working full time and moved out for the most part. D is adding more tutoring and has plans to go away in the next few weeks to support her BF and his coaching. He has state tournaments he has been invited to. I am a free woman and this boot may slow me up a couple of more weeks, but I am not letting it stop me from doing things. I am going to figure it out.

[UrsaMajor]

Yes, the world has officially lost is collective marbles. I agree...

But, you are on the road of rediscovery... What WILL you do with all your free time the next couple of weeks?

[MadLuv]

It’s a small world and right now crazy world. I wouldn’t hesitate either. You enjoyed catching up with your friend and why shouldn’t you meet her BF. Not like your XH gets to mark his territory on friends. All sounds so good!!!

[MourningDove]

Thank you UrsaMajor & Madluv.

It was a bit of an odd day in that my whole plan for the day changed. The weather was bad first thing this morning and then cleared a bit. I was supposed to work, then not and then Ms Management called to say it was storming again where the gallery was so they were going to close. She called back after that to ask if I could cover for tomorrow morning for a bit since my other gallery coworker called in. That was fine, as I have errands I can run tomorrow in that city.

Because of my change in plans, I decided to run out and beat the next wave of the storm coming in.

I decided to punch through some of those things that have felt like obstacles, full well knowing that there could be some epic failures. I went with my gut. In many ways, I am glad I did.

I had a lot on my mind this morning, TBH. C was closing on his house today, but there had been a development that troubled S and he told me about it. The young woman C had been roommates with was never a romantic thing or anything else. C is young and naive. This young woman needs a new place to live because she got caught with not paying rent, as we anticipated. In the meantime, I had said to S not long ago that she will find her next victim. Little did I know it would be C. He is lonely and wants to help people. So, C had been lying to S this past week about the relationship with the young woman. Last night, S took C out and laid it on the line. If this young woman moves in, then S and his GF are out and will not be part of that $h!te show. S expressed he will not tell C how to live his life but he is worried and based on how she used him before, he will not stand by and watch C get taken for a ride. He told C that if he wants to keep seeing her fine, but there were boundaries and assurances S and his GF need. C felt bad about lying. He has never lied to S and it is not like him. It was later that S said he knows that it is because C is embarrassed.

This morning I called C to ask if he needed anything, as he was signing the paperwork. He admitted he was scared and overwhelmed. I offered to come sit with him and help him if need be. I told him that he needed to know that while I like my kids' friends, he has a special designation and we joked I am his M by proxy as designated by my kids. I told him that S and D both think of him as if he were their B and that means a great deal. With that he has to know he is stuck with me on occasion kicking his butt and also benefiting from me being willing to give up my afternoon to help him. He told me that meant the world to him and he asked me later if I would go to the accountant with him at some point and help him navigate that as well. He was okay with the house thing but called to ask questions during the day. By dinner there was a post on Facebook with him standing in front of his house. Pretty impressive for a freshly minted 22 year old.

C and T came here after they got out of work. S was supposed to come by. D had come and gone. She was off to another tournament with her BF. I was going out to dinner with my parents, so S decided to forego swinging by as we would be gone. Instead, S, T and C all went to the new house and started doing some cleaning. I made them take the dog out before they left and C asked if I would be willing to keep the puppy for a bit longer while they moved in over the next couple of weeks. I was blunt with him. I said I would watch the puppy during the day and when he was at work, but I have a need for a social life of my own and won't be puppy sitting for any "after hours socializing" he might have set up. He turned beet red and S said "welcome to the family. My M has officially adopted you and is going to kick your butt". C took it in stride and said he understood what I meant. S laughed and said that yes, perhaps I have after hours socializing planned and it isn't fair to take that from me.  Sure. LOL

It was at dinner when S started sending me photos of the treasures they have unearthed at the house. Antiques left behind that were left in the old barn. An Art Deco cedar chest with the original key still in the original envelope. An old one room school house desk. And more. They were having a ball.

S told me he would be going back to the cottage fairly soon, as he had been called in to plow at 3 am this morning and had gone from there to work at 6:30 am. He was exhausted.

I had settled into a quiet evening by myself and was texting and there was a comfort I hadn't felt in awhile with the other person. It was strangely easy and I can't explain it.

Around 10 pm my phone rang. It was D. There was a hesitation in her voice. She wasn't crying but I know the tone. It wasn't good. D said S had called and he was not good. Xh had called and his eldest B had died. It was expected, but S had hoped to see him on this trip coming up. Now, the trip back will no doubt be a replay of the trip where they buried the other BIL in the family plot and S was asked to dig the hole. D said she wanted to give me a heads-up so that I wasn't totally thrown by S. I hung up with her and the phone rang again. S was sobbing. I could feel my body tense and all I wanted to do was give him a hug and let him cry it out. In the background I heard his friend C. C and T had driven over together in T's car to the house. So, T was coming to my house to take care of the puppy for me so I didn't have to go out on the ice. C would take S to the cottage and S's GF was on her way from her second job. C said he would stay there all night with S and make sure he was okay.

D called back within minutes. Xh had called her. He told her the news and said he hadn't really contacted her because when he saw me at the mall, he knew he had upset me and I was shaking. He didn't want to upset me more.

Huh. I don't buy that as an excuse not to contact D, but okay.

He then told D that he was so happy to see me hanging out with my sister and we were always so close. He had always wished she and I had spent more time together when he and I were married. I thought about this immediately thought about the situation. Our lives were at different points for one. I was married and she was still hanging out and going dancing, etc. Then she moved away for a couple of years and life was just different. When she moved back we spent more time together and talked nearly every day throughout the years, but we didn't always see each other. But part of that was, FIL was living with us by then and Xh didn't want me spending time with my family. He made it clear that I should be focused solely on our core family. I never quite understood that considering prior to that he loved that we spent time as a core family with say, my grandparents and my family, as my family paid attention to Xh while his own family was basically MIA most of the time. Aside from SIL and the occasional visits from family, there were no regular calls and the like. It was sort of like weddings, funerals and rare occasions.

But, I will admit the eldest BIL paid a great deal of attention to S. They were close.

I asked D if she was okay. She said she honestly felt better having at least been informed by Xh directly. It was a start, but not a cure all. She told him that she is incredibly busy with school and if he reaches out and she doesn't answer in the future it is because school is her priority. He accepted that as the answer - at least for now.

I decided to be a decent human being and at least acknowledge his loss. I am not planning on sending sympathy cards, etc. But, I felt if for no other reason than that maybe he needs a nudge to know that it was important to D that he reached out. I did it more for the kids than for him, TBH. I sent him a text and told him I was sorry for his loss and thanked him for reaching out to both kids. He thanked me and told me good night.

I am under no illusion that this is some break through. I am not thinking this is him waking up. My hope is maybe, just maybe he will start facing some of these demons for his own sake and for the kids' sake. But, who knows. It might just be a moment and part of that is, IMO because he is with BIL and SIL. He cannot BS them. BIL will push him and has always been the one sibling who has been able to get through to him on some level. He has a support system, a healthy one in those two people during this that he has never had in the other situations where he has experienced death within his immediate family.

I am not upset. I am not grieving. I am very grateful that S is with C, who will stay with him and make sure he is okay. D, I am less worried about in terms of this particular uncle. She wasn't as close with him. I suspect it will be more along the lines of what happens from here on out with Xh. She will be guarded.

Time will tell how things unfold.

[MomOfSteel]

Unearthing treasures sounds like my dream.  I’m sorry S is so upset but glad he has people to be with him.  I hope for everyone’s sake that this sad event can help change the trajectory of your husband and his crisis.

[MourningDove]

LeftandBroken - Unearthing treasures is a lot of fun for some of us. 

S's friend T told me today that they are pretty sure one of the previous owners had to have been a machinist. They found all sorts of tools left behind. The house was built just before the Civil War and there are things that were left behind by the previous owners that were only there a few years, but the things they were finding had been there long before those owners. It makes me wonder who lived there prior to that. The property has two barns and a couple of other unfinished rooms that were once root cellars and possibly a smoke house. S and his friends were having a blast. I am sort of jealous. LOL

S's friend C and I had a brief conversation today. S had a rough night and had gotten the news while out at the home improvement store. He said S's legs practically buckled underneath him and neither he nor T are used to seeing that side of S.

Today, he was somewhat better and they were off to go to a car show for the day. It was a change from the original plans, but they felt it was a good thing to just get out and keep busy. To have a bit of fun.

My sister had spoken to both kids and she noted that D mentioned what had transpired. D confided in my sister that as far as she was concerned she is treating Xh's actions right now as "he called" and nothing more. She doesn't dare attach any kind of hope or expectation with that action. My sister said that she thought D was actually struggling more than S in some ways. I can see that.

I don't know what it means for Xh and what happens with his trajectory. Time will tell and I am not looking to reconnect or reconcile, that I know. I simply would like not to shake when I run into him and it catches me off guard. I would like him to be a father to the kids and maybe work on that. But, I am not holding my breath. Jaded? Perhaps.

I was at work way longer than I was planning. I was supposed to be there for a couple of hours and I never even got to do what I set out to do. I found myself fixing a huge mess that Ms Management made that I could not ignore because she travels in a couple of weeks. I knew that if it was left the problems it would cause would fall square in my coworker's lap on one end and mine on the other. So, as much as I wanted to walk away from it, I knew it would bite me in the butt. So, instead of a couple of hours and doing what I wanted to do, I spent hours on the computer muttering under my breath by the time I was done. Then I shot off an email to her and the owner. I only stated facts and placed no blame, as much as I really wanted to in this case. I simply said a mistake was caught this is what needs to happen in regards to the customer who pointed it out and I resolved it on our end. I also made recommendations as to how it could be avoided in the future and I had the younger coworker researching the way to make it happen.

I stopped on my way home at the home improvement store and considered since my day was hijacked that I would go run errands, but then changed my mind. I picked up what I needed and then took the long way home. It was a beautiful ride and I only wish I had brought my camera with me. My phone was low on battery and I had left my charger home, so that wouldn't work.

I spotted a flock of birds in the sky and the sun came out and highlighted them. I quickly realized I needed to turn and go down a road I haven't been on in years. I slowed down and sure enough. The entire 400 acres of fields was just covered with snow geese. Thousands. I pulled over and just watched them take off in massive groups. They weren't frightened by my presence at all and I could have reached out and probably patted one on the head. I had almost forgotten about the geese, as the season seemed to come really early this year and I haven't heard of any sightings recently. But, it would seem they are in the area. It also means they will be heading my direction in the next few days and then where I usually go chasing them. 

[MourningDove]

When it comes to my MLC Xh, the reality of what has really gone on has a way of getting back to me. I wasn't looking for any information, nor did I really care for specifics. I was hoping that perhaps part of his core was at least starting to show for the kids' sake. Truly.

When I told my friend how upset I was, I voiced that I was angry with myself for wanting to have a bit of hope that maybe, just maybe this would be the beginning of Xh repairing some of the damage with D and stopping the destruction of his relationship with S. She said she understood I wanted to not be jaded and have some hope and that was okay, especially since I didn't have expectations. She also said she knows I am trying not to be bitter or jaded. Yet, my disappointment and aggravation in this case is warranted on so many levels.

Nothing has changed and in fact in light of what has really transpired tells me that it is actually creating more holes in Xh's relationship with the kids.

I had gone to my parent's house for dinner. My F had a bio to write for an event he has been invited to participate in and then there is a memoir that he is included in. He wanted me to help him on the computer and to help him proofread and edit both pieces. My F has always been a fantastic writer, so I was a bit surprised he wanted some input, but I agreed to go up and help him out. S stopped in on his way to our house. He was swinging by to pick a few things up before returning to the cottage. He looked worn out, but he was very quick to give both of my parents a hug and my M just about melted. She was so happy to see S and said how much she has missed making him lunches, as he would come there during the week when he was working at the cabinet maker's place. I got my big hug as well.

My M went to answer the phone and my F was into his college basketball game. S laughed when I stayed behind to talk to him instead of watching the game. I responded that they were getting their butts kicked anyways.  But the truth is, and S knew it, I would never pick watching a game on TV over spending time with him, especially under the circumstances.

S was troubled. He wanted to share how he had found out about his uncle. And he wanted to express his concerns about the burial and what might happen. He is anticipating exactly what I am, which is a rerun of the last uncle's death and burial. S said he didn't know if he could handle being asked to dig another hole. I told him he didn't have to and should be firm about it. It was not necessary and he can walk away from it, even if it means he pisses a few people off. He agreed. I reminded him that no one forced anyone in my family to be a pall bearer at my grandmother's funeral. Those who were asked were allowed to bow out and some did because of their own personal reasons. My one cousin was too distraught. No one criticized him. So, I reminded S that he isn't the same teenager they manipulated last time and my BIL's surviving S is there. S seemed relieved that I understood his trepidation.

And then came the moment where I had visions of getting in my car and wanting to just go on a long road trip that would end where Xh is staying and hitting him with a 2x4 and not a velvet covered one. The words coming out of S's mouth just made my blood boil. S was recounting the part of the story where Xh called S and then said he is furious with Xh. He said he couldn't believe what happened and is so upset about it. He said Xh told S that S needed to call D and tell her. S told me he stood his ground and told Xh that no, it is not his job and she had the right to hear it from Xh, not S. S ranted how his F cannot face things and how cruel to not call D himself. He didn't understand considering he himself had to face C the other night and have a difficult conversation. S said he told Xh he would refuse to do that and if Xh didn't do it, he and Xh would have problems themselves. He then informed me that Xh later called and acted like it had been his idea to call D and said to S that he and D are planning on getting together when he gets back from his trip.

Out of S's mouth came "I have no faith that will actually happen. Everything that dad says seems to be half truths nowadays. Or for show, considering he was with his siblings". Ouch.

I held my tongue even though I wanted to just scream. D was home earlier and she is struggling. She is confused about how she should feel. Understandable.

I will not say a word to D about how S had to prompt Xh. I know nothing and it serves no purpose to pour salt into that wound.

The level of immaturity just astounds me. I mentioned it to my M and she right away came back with "your Xh can't deal with it". Nope not accepting that answer. I told her that is all well and good, but he asked a 24 year old to do it for him and when S said maybe it's time Xh deals with some of his demons, that was telling.

So, I don't think this is any sign Xh is really going to deal with his issues. It is merely a slightly different shade of the color of MLC.

[JohnnyBravo]

What a mess. Sorry to hear you're all going through through this. It's the crisis that keeps on giving, it seems.

[Treasur]

How normal it is for an averagely healthy human, who had decades of knowing someone as they used to be, to hope for a change in trajectory. To find it hard to understand why someone would continue to lie, manipulate, avoid and lack empathy after years of seemingly getting what they wanted in leaving those who loved them behind, after years of no involvement in their lives. Even with no or low expectations, how disappointing to realise that this person seems just as toxic and disordered as the day they blew everything up. Well, I can think of a lot of words but disappointing is one of the more polite ones. 

With a vanisher, I have found that my mind assumes that the person living out in the world who might look a bit like the person I knew is much like he used to be.....just living another life with another wife as if I never existed but otherwise much the same person. Yet anecdotally here, assuming my xh did have some kind of MLC something, that rarely seems to be so if the universe means they pop up in some way. Don’t get me wrong....i’m grateful for no pop ups in my life....but I wonder if in the absence of information, our brain perhaps naturally defaults to some low key assumptions based more on who they were. And tbh bc, if you are not inherently disordered yourself (and once we recover from the trauma, normal service is resumed lol), it is quite hard to comprehend someone else’s desire to continue to be the equivalent of a hot stove to other humans, isn’t it? Why someone would choose to get stuck there without seemingly trying harder to fight their way out of such a dark destructive place? Imho fwiw, once folks fracture in this way and the darkness comes out, it seems to me to be more unlikely that they ever come out tbh and even more remarkable to hear the very few stories here or in RL of people who do. But it makes sense that it is literally beyond our capacity to comprehend bc we are usually now much healthier years on than post BD, so it seems even stranger perhaps that they seem not to have changed much at all. Jmo.

All of which to say, please cut yourself a little slack, MD. 

It’s an Alice in Wonderland world these kind of folks live in where usual healthy human rules seem not to apply so much.
It’s a sign of health imho that contact with it is at best bemusing and at worst rather frustrating. That it comes with big red klaxons 
And of course, we are ahead of the game in working out how or if to interact with that weird world whereas our older kids are perhaps still having to work it out for themselves years later. And that must be terribly hard to accept and observe as a parent even if one can see the necessity of it. Your son is learning the nature of the stove.....your daughter is wondering from further away perhaps if it is still a hot stove.....you are being reminded that the stove is still hot but it’s a reminder of old hard-won acceotance not a new problem to figure a way round.

[MourningDove]

JohnnyBravo & Treasur - Personally, I would like to put an end to this type of gift exchange - LOL. But, unfortunately it seems Xh is determined to keep it up. 

I was awake fairly early this morning and wanting to just lie in bed for a bit. I wanted to relax and shake off the remaining bits of aggravation from last night and enjoy the quiet. My guest puppy sensed I was awake. She has been sleeping at the foot of the bed since S moved out. She is good about finding a spot on the bed of her own and staying in bed until I say it is time to get up. Some mornings she does go find a toy to try and let me know she is ready for the day to start, but even then it is usually at a reasonable hour. Not this morning. She is a very smart dog. Too smart.

I turned over to grab my phone and see what time it was and that did it. Suddenly, I felt a tug on my comforter. The puppy was on the end of the bed and pulling the comforter off of me. I laughed thinking she was going to bury herself underneath that layer, as she does that sometimes. But, no. I found myself having to pull the blankets back up as she ran up, grabbed the top of the blanket and pulled it back. I lost the battle. She was quite proud of herself as all of the blankets were at the end of the bed and she uncovered me. I had to wonder if she somehow thought she had somehow rescued me from an avalanche of blankets. She ran ahead of me and was waiting by her food bowl. She has a full day ahead of her, I guess. No sooner had she finished her routine of food and outside, did she come in and pulled a bag down from the chair. I had no idea what was in the bag, as S's GF left it. Out of the bag came a dog sweatshirt, and a collection of new dog toys. The image that came to mind was it was Christmas morning and this dog had gifts to unwrap. My living room is now a sea of balls and stuffed dog toys. And like a typical kid, the "clothing" lies in a pile next to the bag. LOL

I needed the laugh, I will admit.

Although my kids are young adults, this behavior of Xh's does affect them and because I am their support system, it does affect me to some degree.

I thought about a conversation my sister and I had last night just before I went to bed. She said it has to be hard for me to wrap my head around considering Xh never would have avoided these things before. He was very sensitive about supporting the kids and having difficult discussions, etc.

I think that is in fact the problem for me. It makes it very hard to separate fact from fiction and the struggle I have is not so much with the current behaviors in terms of how they affect me. That is, I get upset but I try to let them go as best as I can. I no longer worry about Xh the same way. It bothers me in regards to the kids and how it will come back to be left for me to deal with the side effects. But, I don't think about Xh in the same way I did when I was trying so desperately to help him and try to somehow control the madness from taking over. These actions just confirm he is still in the same weird place.

When these things happen now, I find myself looking back. I don't want to look in the rearview and I realize that maybe it is important to do that once in awhile when these things happen, to see sometimes what has gone on. But, the trick is to not lose sight of the road ahead. I don't want to focus on what was, yet these moments make it a little difficult.

I don't want to rewrite history in any way shape or form. I have never been one to want to whitewash something and not face ugly truths. I don't find that to be helpful for my own growth. But then there is the other direction where I could easily edit my time with Xh and say it was somehow all bad and I just didn't see it, but that would be a lie. So where in lies the truth or the reality? That is what often bubbles up now. Was I somehow imagining things like Xh being a very different man?

And that is why for me it is often important to look at this with open eyes or to talk to someone like my sister who will never blow sunshine up my backside. She was there when things were good and she witnessed a whole lot of what wasn't good over the years. She knew Xh and always thought the world of him.

My sister recognized the part that was bothering me last night. She said it has to continue to just shock me at times when these things occur, even though I suspect it will be more of the same. And, it is just that. It sometimes makes me question if I somehow imagined a man that would have faced these types of situations very differently. If somehow I had imagined the many times where Xh would sit down with the kids when difficult conversations needed to happen. How he would give them a hug and let them ask anything they needed to know the answer to or if they just needed to cry it out, etc.

I am sure there will be more fall out from this for both kids. I would like nothing better than to have my Xh be a vanisher at this point, TBH. I know that sounds awful to some people. For those who had a vanisher, that has to be a difficult thing to navigate on so many levels, so I don't mean to sound cavalier about it. It simply is that I have seen enough to know I don't want to see any more in regards to my situation. I don't go searching like I once did when Xh first left, for those answers about what point he is at or stages, etc. I have accepted he is all sorts of messed up and knowing anything at this point really doe not benefit me in a positive way any more. Unfortunately, I don't see that happening and I will be an unwilling witness to the destruction that is going to keep going on with S and D. I just have to learn how to somehow do my best to navigate all of it, full well knowing my job is not to fix the relationship with the kids and Xh. My job is simply to keep being true to my own core.

[JohnnyBravo]

My living room is now a sea of balls...

Now there's an image I won't be able to get out of my head anytime soon...

mind --> gutter

[Treasur]

Gotta love the ingenuity of your Guest Puppy 

Quite often you write things and I find myself quietly nodding even though our circumstances are quite different. Maybe it’s bc we are in a similar timescale so perhaps a similar lens, idk.

I don't want to rewrite history in any way shape or form. I have never been one to want to whitewash something and not face ugly truths. I don't find that to be helpful for my own growth. But then there is the other direction where I could easily edit my time with Xh and say it was somehow all bad and I just didn't see it, but that would be a lie. So where in lies the truth or the reality? That is what often bubbles up now. Was I somehow imagining things like Xh being a very different man?

And that is why for me it is often important to look at this with open eyes or to talk to someone like my sister who will never blow sunshine up my backside. She was there when things were good and she witnessed a whole lot of what wasn't good over the years. She knew Xh and always thought the world of him.

Well, reassuring to know i’m not the only one who sometimes pauses with a question in my head but not so sure of the answer. Helpful to have your sister as a bit of a reality test. In my situation, I don’t have that so much although in the first few years some of our mutual friends served that purpose for me. It’s just that it has been too long now for it to come up in new conversations. But in the first couple of years it was useful if only for me to test out my own mental footing if that makes sense. Tbh, even after all this time, I am probably left with more questions than answers; I think I have just got better at living with the not known and feeling less compulsion to try to find answers.

For those who had a vanisher, that has to be a difficult thing to navigate on so many levels, so I don't mean to sound cavalier about it. It simply is that I have seen enough to know I don't want to see any more in regards to my situation

It was awful for the first couple of years, true enough. There is just a big smoking hole where the person and your shared life used to be. And the feeling of being Nothing, of being erased, was brutally hard. But after the first couple of years I found myself increasingly grateful for it. And a lot of the reason for that was your last sentence.....I had seen enough to not want to see any more, and to trust that nothing good would come from more of it/him......and tbh I do think it is easier to heal from trauma if you are no longer being currently abused, manipulated or frightened. Just the existing trauma you have to deal with, not that plus a new dollop everyday that feels relentless. And it felt like that when I still had some limited contact with my former h tbh, so I get it, MD. I bet quite a few folks here get it.

[forthetrees]

Yes, as hard as it was to have a vanisher, the upside is that they can no longer kick you in the emotional teeth nor set a new low. Knowing that there is a finite limit to the damage makes it easier to process the existing damage as opposed to a Sisyphean task.
But... I don´t have kids so that made the vanishing act possible.

That is a mighty big ask to have someone dig a grave. I´ve done it for dogs, but not a person. We are not in little house on the prairie times. Is that some weird test of "love"?

May you be boot-free soon and marveling at snow geese:)

[MourningDove]

JohnnyBravo - Thanks for that. I am a visual person and now I can't unsee that - Hahaha.  I guess I am just glad UrsaMajor didn't follow up with a GIF illustrating that specific interpretation. LOL

Treasur - My Guest Puppy is way too smart. That method of getting me up was clearly effective and so this morning I accepted that she has appointed herself as my personal Puppy Alarm clock. We had a repeat performance and on a Monday it was fine. I just wish there was a snooze button or a weekend setting if this is going to be the way it is from now on. 

forthetrees - In all fairness, I should clarify, it is not a hole for a casket, but cremated remains, which does make a difference on a certain level. The whole thing is still very odd all the way around.

D mentioned to S and I she wondered how long before Xh's siblings are in some sort of feud, as their pattern has been always the same. They get together and play the parts of perfect family every couple of years and then there is some disagreement and they have a falling out and Xh and the BIL (BIL 2) play mediators. S laughed. D is not wrong in that assessment.

For years, I knew Xh felt his job was to try and hold his fractured family together. BIL 2, the one I still speak to always told me that he walked away from the drama. He was close with Xh, but the rest of his siblings, he loved, but best when it was done from afar and that none of them had dealt with the nasty divorce or their FOO issues, so he chose distance for his own sanity. Wise move.

When we would get together with Xh's family it was often one sibling at a time. Those times could be fun and things seemed fairly normal aside from maybe personality differences. Xh got along with all of his siblings and we had some good times. Maybe because it was not all that often that the FOO issues really didn't emerge. Maybe it was because Xh always stayed away from those topics, IDK. The issues came to the surface when on rare occasions they would all or most of them would get together.

When Xh's parents divorced, each kid took their side. It was right down the middle and for 4 of them that hasn't changed. BIL 2 and Xh were the only ones that seemed to realize that was their parent's issue not theirs to solve. And D's assessment is spot on. Every family event there was always someone who was angry with one of the other or multiple siblings and then they would get together, the issue was never really resolved and they would behave like nothing had happened. Then a new feud would erupt. The division would reappear.

One of the last issues I was witness to was my former SIL out of nowhere accused the one B of some horrendous thing. Just announced it to Xh and I out of the blue. No back up story or details, just accusations. It left us both stunned and wondering what was true, considering my SIL always had a knack for telling stories that all 5 of her Bs would look at her with confusion wondering what house she was raised in. They sometimes figured it was perhaps her female perspective, but I grew to realize my SIL had an active imagination and was a drama queen anyways. With this accusation, she never once confronted the "offending" B, just quit talking to him and spread what I believe now were more rumor than reality. So, he distanced himself and tried to talk to her about it to resolve it, I will give him that. But, she would go for 2 or 3 years where if anyone else as much as spoke to him she was angry with them. When she got wind of the remaining siblings getting together as that B was moving across country, she was upset she wasn't invited to wish him safe travels. I remember Xh just being utterly shocked she would want to even see this B if he had done the things she accused him of.

Didn't she show up at the event and walked up to the B she made accusations about and told him how mad she was that he hadn't been in contact with her.  BIL 2 was not able to be there, so he missed that performance. SIL and her Bs all behaved like nothing had ever happened and it was never brought up again. I recall thinking WTF just happened? But then that was the way his family was with everything (except BIL 2, who has done his mirror work, etc over the years). Xh's family were experts in brushing things under the rug. I can confirm based on first hand accounts that hasn't exactly benefited Xh. 

When FIL was dying and BIL 2 asked him what his wishes were for burial, he avoided it. He was in hospice by then. Xh asked. Nothing. Then out of the blue FIL mentioned that he wanted to be buried in his hometown - a place he left and never set foot in after he left.

Now, I have no issue with his desires or Xh's and his siblings granting that final wish. There was money left for that venture. But, it is what followed that just made me completely scratch my head. I was not part of that process as by then Xh had flown the coop. I am actually grateful I wasn't there.

Xh started by carving a marble headstone for his F. He drove it to his B's house and picked him up, which was 1,400 miles then they drove back together to where FIL was going to be buried. That meant Xh had to drive back towards his house where he left from which was 1000 miles and then drove his B back the 1000 miles. Xh then drove the entire 1,400 miles back. So, in essence, this trip back and forth racked up nearly 5000 miles. That was the first moment of head scratching for me.

The headstone, being marble will not survive that particular environment. Xh would have known that in his right mind. 

They arrived at the hometown and sought out the cemetery caretaker and couldn't find them, so they (not sure which noodle heads in the family thought this was a good idea) decided to pick a spot in this older cemetery, put down the headstone and dug a hole for FIL's ashes.

BIL died a few months later. Xh would drive around with the ashes in his console and that might not have been so bizarre except the kids (he was still communicating with D at that point) would come home and say their F was losing it. They said they would get in his SUV and Xh would right away open the console and tell the kids to say hi to their uncle. While he may have been joking, the kids thought it was less than amusing and odd, considering it was every time they went out.

After driving around with BIL in the console for what seemed like eternity the siblings decided to bury BIL with FIL. They got together, and part of the delay was in fact because they were feuding over FIL's second W and the fact that FIL never changed his will, in spite of my trying to tell him she would get everything. FIL argued with me I was wrong and didn't want to deal with it. Nah- I called that. It was not second W's fault he stuck his head in the sand. She had every right to what was left legally at that point and yet the kids were ticked at her. I recall telling SIL that was all on her F, not the second W.

When they arrived at the cemetery, both of my kids had gone. I wasn't invited and grateful for that, TBH. Both kids came home and said again they just did what they wanted and found the headstone they had left. Xh, his Bs that were in attendance and my SIL all brow beat S and told him he had to dig the hole for the ashes. S came home really traumatized by it all.

What struck me the whole time was what they did was at least in most states that I know - illegal for one. They didn't care. And the whole scenario seems like some twisted movie plot.

It is not that I am opposed to following someone's last wishes. My F's dear friend who used to go duck hunting with my F many years ago wanted to have some of his ashes shot out of a gun over their favorite hunting spot. That is funny and an odd request. But this thing with Xh's family runs deeper. Now, suddenly the remaining siblings, bar BIL 2 who wants no part of this in his words "charade" of happy family, have said they all want to be buried there and each remaining sibling is to go add the name by carving it themselves into the headstone.

Maybe I am missing something. But to me it is just beyond my comprehension. It is not like they are somehow deeply committed to their heritage and this is some deep-seated family tradition or cultural thing. This is something they cooked up on their own.

It would be shortly after that whole thing that one of Xh's sudden MLC ideas was he had approached the new owner of the land where his F grew up. The old "homestead" sits there in essentially ruins and Xh asked the owner if he could buy that small parcel of land and move there. Then he wanted to buy it and dismantle it and move it 1000 miles away to where Xh lives now.

Now, the less jaded part of me says "huh, interesting thought - preserving his heritage". I kind of get that. However, Xh told me countless times he hated his F. That relationship never resolved itself while FIL was alive. Xh didn't go to see him when his B told him FIL was dying. Xh's response was he had seen him a couple of weeks before he was all set. FIL essentially died alone. And that is what strikes me as so odd. They have made this some great memorial to F that none seemed too terribly fond of over the years.

I just don't get it. Maybe I am not forgiving enough. Or maybe it is because I don't whitewash things like that. I believe in people being able to change. I believe in forgiving and forgetting or at least moving past something. But when it is a situation where they change the history and somehow tell the story of a monster when the person is alive and suddenly in death they are some cuddly kitten? IDK - I can't quite read that story and believe it to be anything but a fairytale.

[MomOfSteel]

MourningDove what did I just read?  You just can’t make up that kind of thing.  At some point what happens when the cemetery actually just sells that plot or when it is discovered that someone else already owns it?  It sounds like a story my BIL would tell.  Why would you just drive around with remains in your car?  I’m scratching my head over this whole thing.  I feel really sorry for your son getting dragged into the… whatever you call that.  It isn’t fair to put on him and they should have known better. 

[MourningDove]

LeftandBroken - I may be an artist and I might be accused of being able to write a story, but those are based on experiences and facts. I am afraid I am not a creative writer. I wish I could say I made this all up, but it is the madness that settled in during MLC.

I have known people who keep vials of their loved one's ashes and have them hanging from a mirror or whatever. I know people have urns, but this was Xh riding around with the plastic bag inside of a box which stayed in the console for months. And the kids were mortified when he would just joke about it as if it was supposed to be some normal thing or somehow funny. They didn't find it funny at all. Now, they sort of laugh but more at the insanity of it.

I am convinced it is part of Xh not being able to deal with his B's death. It was easier to joke about it and drive around with the ashes than to make any type of arrangements. Even going to just find an urn to house the ashes in.

It would also prompt Xh getting his hair highlighted and adopting some of my BIL's style in clothing. The highlights were all BIL and Xh used to make fun of him for getting them as if he was some beach bum surfer.

The cemetery - they laughed about it. As if they could go and do whatever they wanted and no one would notice. I thought about it and I know in most cemeteries you buy plots. So, I am sure someone might notice in that situation. And if it were a cemetery that is no longer functioning, that is an older one there is still often some type of caretaker, etc who probably is going to notice a random headstone. The fact that Xh's F was one of the original families from that town and where their name is recognizable tells me they probably can track all of this down.

Everything about it just smacks of FIL and his philosophy. Aside from BIL 2 the remaining siblings all have serious FOO issues and when they get together it is truly remarkable.

For me, it was honestly difficult to comprehend all the way around. My sister said it the other day as did my F, my Xh followed rules and had an immense amount of integrity. In a situation like that, prior to him boarding the crazy train, he would have researched how to have his F's wishes met and gone about it properly. In fact, at one point he had researched having my FIL buried in the military cemetery that FIL was actually very interested in doing, that is until the B who passed away months later talked him out of doing.

Let's just say, I am so very grateful to not be participating in any of this nonsense.

I do know this B now who passed will be a battle for the remaining siblings. I don't foresee that scenario occurring. His widow was hellbent on never going back to that spot again. Her desire was to have her H buried next to her some day.

I am just going to hope that S doesn't have to go through that BS again.

[MomOfSteel]

Wow.  I mean I guess the saying truth is stranger than fiction certainly applies.  (Hopefully you didn’t read my previous post as insinuating you made it up, that’s not what I meant and I realized in reading your reply it might have come off that way.  it’s just so strange that people, a group of people would do that and no one would say, hey, maybe this isn’t the right way to go about it). 

[JohnnyBravo]

JohnnyBravo - Thanks for that. I am a visual person and now I can't unsee that - Hahaha.  I guess I am just glad UrsaMajor didn't follow up with a GIF illustrating that specific interpretation. LOL

Don't say his name three times. Those !$#@$&! purple worms haunt me to this very moment.

For years, I knew Xh felt his job was to try and hold his fractured family together.

This struck me as interesting, because my STBXW did the same thing. I don't know if she felt it was her job, but she was the only one who would be friends with all three sisters, two of whom were nutty, and she eventually cut off contact with those two. While we were on our delayed honeymoon, she found out that the oldest one died. I've wondered if that started her slide into MLC. No chance for reckoning. (Because the oldest one claimed all the credit for taking care of dad when he died, which was BS.)

[MourningDove]

LeftandBroken - LOL. No, I wasn't somehow thinking that you didn't believe me in any way, shape, or form. I didn't mean for my reply to come off that way. 

I think I was reflecting on if I told that to anyone who hasn't dealt with this type of insanity, they would think you were writing a script for a movie. It just sounds so incredibly far-fetched. I don't share it with many people in RL, at least those who don't know me well because it would sound like I am telling tales. LOL

As far as a group of people and someone speaking up. I know why that didn't happen. It had to do with the group that was there. The one BIL is in some sort of his own crisis, and he left his W years before. She wasn't invited and she would have told them it wasn't okay. My one BIL was all about riding the line of legal and illegal would have encouraged it. The other B and his W would not have spoken up for fear of being picked on. My SIL is a bully and would have been all about doing what she wants. Her partner was out of town. Xh is all about making his siblings happy. And BIL 2 and his W would not have participated at all, and they were out of the country when this occurred. So basically, it left a just the kids like my S to try and talk sense into the band of idiots. Which S said he and the other older cousin tried doing. But, what do kids know? 

JohnnyBravo - LOL. I won't speak of you-know-who for fear of the return of those worms. LOL

I do think my Xh's issues started when he tried to keep the family together. It went on for years and it was okay until his M died. I look back now and see that was a moment when things started to sort of kick into a crisis state. He had just reconnected with his M and my MIL had owned her garbage by then. I give her credit for coming around and trying to fix what damage had been done. But, within 4 years of her getting her act together and being a M and grandmother, she died.

Add to the layer, my FIL upon hearing MIL was sick decided suddenly that he needed to reconcile with MIL and left his second W. He told my MIL he made a mistake and should have never left her. Xh always told me that it was a beautiful moment. UMMMMM, I don't believe it. They hated each other for 30 years after their divorce and kept the venomous spew going and suddenly FIL decides essentially on her deathbed he should have never left. I don't buy Xh thinking this was wonderful. I am convinced it messed up with his head more, considering he was the last kid in the house when they split and were beyond nasty to one another. I don't see how anyone could see that and just wipe away the 30 years of fighting and nastiness in that moment.

Now before anyone somehow jumps all over me. I am not saying it wasn't possible FIL didn't have some moment and maybe my MIL was thrilled to hear those words. I just have a hard time believing that Xh somehow wiped away memories of all of his pain and was excited about this considering it was a week later MIL died. He used to grumble later on that his F just did it to ease his own guilt.

Either way, the keeping the family together kicked into overdrive. Xh was always trying to play mediator. And then when FIL died the opportunity for Xh to hear what he needed to from FIL - that FIL was proud of him or something along those lines would never happen. BIL, same sort of thing. There were issues that arose with that BIL and they were never resolved.

It is part of why I don't think my Xh will ever find his way out. He needs a whole lot of therapy to deal with these things. And he is so busy trying to somehow piece together a family unit that was fractured by a nasty divorce that he is destroying the family he had right in front of him. And, Xh once said to me that our kids would be fine since he was an example of someone who was perfectly fine even though he and his F didn't talk for 10 years - basically implying that it is no big deal. Hate to tell him from where I sit, at this rate, he too will die alone someday. Sad, but the reality if he doesn't change his mindset.

[UrsaMajor]

You asked for it...
Mourning Dove's new Living Room.....


And a Safe for HS Version of the "Sea of Balls" vision (and it is NOT purple worms)

Now before anyone somehow jumps all over me. I am not saying it wasn't possible FIL didn't have some moment and maybe my MIL was thrilled to hear those words. I just have a hard time believing that Xh somehow wiped away memories of all of his pain and was excited about this considering it was a week later MIL died. He used to grumble later on that his F just did it to ease his own guilt.

Whether or not FIL had a revelation or MIT found peace is, to be brutally blunt, irrelevant. That bottom line is that xH has issues that go back to that and those are his to solve/deal with

And, Xh once said to me that our kids would be fine since he was an example of someone who was perfectly fine even though he and his F didn't talk for 10 years - basically implying that it is no big deal.

Uhmmmmmm ..... "Perfectly fine?"

I guess it depends on how one defines "perfectly fine."

Hate to tell him from where I sit, at this rate, he too will die alone someday. Sad, but the reality if he doesn't change his mindset.

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree...
"Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it...."

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor - LOL. Thanks for going that route with a visual reference. 

I was on my way to work and stopped to pick up a coffee on my way there. As I waited, someone called out to me and I turned around to see someone I haven't seen in a long time. A person who was a good friend of Xh's and I knew pretty well. Clearly Xh hasn't seen this person in a long time since their conversation began with asking how he was and they recounted the last time they saw Xh. I paused and said his B had just passed away, but beyond that, I really don't know how he is on a daily basis. I got a look of pure confusion. I explained that Xh and I have been divorced for going on 7 years. The utter shock that came across their face was remarkable followed by "OMG, What happened"?.

Now most times, I dance around that question as it is not a conversation I want to have with just anyone. And, I didn't want to go into it too deeply TBH. I knew they sort of felt a bit uncomfortable so I made light of it and said Xh traded me in for a different model. Is there a look beyond shocked? They clearly didn't believe me. The words came out of their mouth that Xh would always talk about me in the most positive ways when they would get together. He "gushed" about this or that and would have a smile on my face when my name was mentioned.

I had to go and was glad to have a reason to escape. I didn't want to get sucked into some deep conversation about the demise of my marriage to Xh. It is not something I enjoy talking about, especially now. I talk to others who understand when things pop up that I need to work through or if someone else in a similar situation needs advice or a shoulder to lean on, but beyond that, I try to journal it out and move past it.

Sometimes I wonder if there is a point where I can move on to that next phase. Well, I guess I should say in many ways I have. My heart is not in the same place as it once was and maybe that is the frustration. That person didn't know and I am not angry with them, but I find myself aggravated that the topic of Xh still bubbles up.

But, part of me maybe needed to hear this today. A confirmation that someone who really knew Xh well for years saw what I saw. A man who no longer exists. A man who at one point in time, not long before the MLC rolled in, who did think the world of me. Neither of us understood those people who would run around bashing their spouse. We might grumble to say a sibling from time to time, but about stupid things. My big aggravation was about where Xh left the hangers after putting on his dress shirts. But, to go out and air dirty laundry to even a group of female friends was foreign to me. But, then that isn't my style nor was it Xh's.

Part of what still perplexes me is the extreme changes. It is not a need to understand it anymore. It is more of reminding myself that I wasn't imagining some of the things that went on before MLC hit.

The question today didn't somehow ruin my day. In fact, it is amazing that many months ago that would have set me off down a dark road and sobbing in disbelief. Now, it is just a factual statement and in the past. I wish though that sometimes it would remain in the past when I see people.

[UrsaMajor]

Speaking from Personal experience, there is invariably that ONE person somewhere that will not know that will invariably pop up from time to time. Even after we think that the entire freaking WORLD knows, that one person (maybe they have been living under a rock?) will pop up and ask....   and all we can do is to (like you did) keep it short, maybe make a joke out of it, whatever but  those days will keep happening I am afraid...

By the way, I found you a replacement puppy...


Mix of Husky and Australian Cattle Dog! Just your speed....
 

[Treasur]

A confirmation that someone who really knew Xh well for years saw what I saw. A man who no longer exists. A man who at one point in time, not long before the MLC rolled in, who did think the world of me. Neither of us understood those people who would run around bashing their spouse. We might grumble to say a sibling from time to time, but about stupid things. My big aggravation was about where Xh left the hangers after putting on his dress shirts. But, to go out and air dirty laundry to even a group of female friends was foreign to me. But, then that isn't my style nor was it Xh's.

Part of what still perplexes me is the extreme changes. It is not a need to understand it anymore. It is more of reminding myself that I wasn't imagining some of the things that went on before MLC hit.

Again, nodding along.
I don’t spend much time thinking about it now unless something prods the thought. Most of the time now tbh it feels like another life and almost like an imagined one. Until something pokes it.....and then tbh I still find it peculiar. I have never managed to find a bridge that makes sense between how it felt to me to be in the partnership and what happened. People who knew us seemed to feel much the same. I genuinely felt loved, liked and respected by my then h. The only thing that makes that seem real now is that I remember how that felt....sometimes I will read something in a book or see a movie where people seem to feel that way about each other...and I remember the feeling of it quite vividly. It’s familiar to me, if that makes sense. And I don’t see how I could know how it felt if that hadn’t been what I really experienced. I simply can’t see how that person who behaved that way towards me and about me for years became someone so different, someone for whom I meant nothing at best or who at worst hated me enough to think I deserved nothing more than how he then behaved towards me.
It’s a strange thing, isn’t it?
Like you, I no longer need to unpick it and it no longer distresses me as it did if something or someone prods my memory.
But I am not sure it will ever seem like anything but a very strange and, to me, a rather inexplicable thing. And impossible tbh to explain to anyone else. Or to feel any point in doing so 

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor - You are not helping - LOL  I want a dog who likes being an occasional couch potato at this point in the game. You know, the one who likes long hikes and yet appreciates those lazy Sundays. The one I have now is like the Tasmanian devil most of the time. LOL.

Treasur - I find myself more and more likening this to when I broke a bone years ago. I know it hurt when I did it. I have visible scars from where the plates had to go in and subsequently came out at a later date. The scars are faint and there is sometimes an ache that surfaces if there is a weather change. I have a little bit less movement in that arm now, but the actual pain that occurred is a memory. The experience I can recall, but it I am not in agony nor do I really think about it unless someone asks about the faint scars or somehow a conversation comes up about the accident. Most days, I no longer think about it. When those scars were still healing and people asked continually or I noticed them and covered them up, almost in shame for a very long time. That is what in many ways the MLC months now feel like.

And part of the problem I think people have in RL understanding if they didn't know Xh or I or didn't see us together, they would never believe that somehow this change occurred. The assumption might be that Xh always was that way and I just never saw it. And, really, it no longer matters in the grand scheme, because it doesn't change what happened and I want to move forward. Analyzing it became paralyzing at times.

This morning, my original plan was to meet my sister for breakfast and she was going to help me edit a memoir my F wrote for inclusion in a book of local history. She had dropped off her H's car to be worked on and it was supposed to only take half a day. He was in meetings all day and I offered to come pick her up and then drop her off when the car was done. When I met up with her all things changed. The mechanic that was scheduled to work on her car was delayed and it was going to take most of the day. I told her that I would modify my day to help her out, as she has been there for me countless times.

I had grabbed some outdated medications and others that were left from my surgery that I never intend to ever take again, as they made me very dizzy, and put them in a bag to drop off at a collection box. We were at breakfast and she decided she had some that could go as well. The closest drop off station was deeper in the city and we both decided that we would go check out an architectural salvage store near that drop off location. As we formulated a plan, my M texted. My sister giggled and said clearly I am not allowed to roam free. My M asked what I was doing and I said I was with my sister. She assumed right away that I must be out for a walk, which I knew better than to do. I was ready to answer her when my sister giggled and grabbed my phone. She texted my M that not to worry, we were taking pole dancing lessons. My M had no idea it was my sister for one and the response, was "what is that"?. I had to call her and explain not only what it was but it was my S being a smart a$$. I don't think my M saw the humor. My F thought it was funny. 

The architectural place was a blast. I discovered I will be able to get so many things that I have been searching for in regards to the house. Hardwood that matches my flooring and my island. And some very creative pieces. From there it was off to the home improvement store to pick up the things that I need for the bathroom. I seem to live at this store lately. The cashier recognized me right away and laughed. She mentioned S had been in there earlier in the day. He had been buying supplies for the house.

We drove around the city and talked about different points in our lives, when BIL worked in one area of the city. We drove by an old factory that had been converted into loft apartments and office spaces. I asked my sister if she recalled the fantastic office Xh had there. She paused and then realized that was when MIL passed away. She asked me about a couple of other office spaces Xh had over the years before moving his office to the house. We talked about how many times I went on weekends and helped him renovate those spaces and then it was a regular thing for me to do my work from home, but I would bring the kids up to meet Xh for lunches, etc. The one space he shared with his photographer friend and the kids would sit for studio photoshoots all the time. My sister asked me if I missed any of it. I smiled. Hmmm- I don't miss it. I am grateful for the experience and they were some happy times, but I wouldn't go back. She sort of smiled and said she realizes while my life is full of unknowns I seem relatively content most of the time. I suppose I am.

The sun was out and all was right in my world. D wasn't terribly happy that she beat me home and my day had changed. She is so much like Xh and has such a hard time with changes to a plan.

I didn't feed into D's grouchy response. I came in and went about my business and simply told her that her aunt needed my help and it didn't really affect D since she was in school all day and I did answer my phone. It is not like I was somehow inaccessible. And then it came out. D was free for a couple of hours during the day and she would have met up with us. Oh well.

Tomorrow, I am hoping I can go down to work on the community project. Perhaps I will find some more snow geese. 

[UrsaMajor]

I didn't feed into D's grouchy response. I came in and went about my business and simply told her that her aunt needed my help and it didn't really affect D since she was in school all day and I did answer my phone. It is not like I was somehow inaccessible. And then it came out. D was free for a couple of hours during the day and she would have met up with us. Oh well.

Ah, I see... and you were supposed to know this .. how? Osmosis?

Or were you just supposed to be sitting on the porch in your rocking chair crocheting lace doilies in case she might have the afternoon free?

Like you said, you had your phone, you answered your phone, she has a phone... She could have suggested meeting if that was what she wanted... "Use your words..."

Teenagers and Mid-Lifers.... Can't live with 'em and can't hang 'em by their toes from the ceiling fan either...


Good for you for not getting caught in that trap...

I can just imagine though Mom's reaction to the "Pole Dance Lessons"  I am with Dad though, it was a good comeback... Sis, however, wants to get you put into the dog house with Mom, doesn't she.... <snort> It is kind of funny though, running interference for you 

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor - I sometimes have to just count to 10 in my head before I respond to D. LOL

I spent part of my morning helping the neighbors. They needed help with little things like their ink replaced in their printer, as they couldn't quite get it to work. It turned out it was in need of some general maintenance like aligning the print heads, etc. Nothing that required any huge mental gymnastics.

I stopped at my parents' house on the way back through and my M insisted she make me lunch, even though it was only 11 am. I had only had a banana for breakfast, so I decided I could have something more. My F came in and sat down at the table with my M and I. He asked if I was going to work on the bathroom today and my response made my F laugh. I asked what was so funny. He said the look my M shot at him the minute I responded. I wasn't sure at first why that was funny and then she said "OMG, you are so like your F". My F and I shrugged. It was an honest answer. I hadn't thought about the rest of my day, TBH. My leg was bothering me and I have some other things that needed addressed that require phone calls. The types of phone calls where I could be placed on hold for who knows how long, hence my lack of a committed answer to the question about working on the bathroom. I hope to fit that into the mix, but I don't have a tight schedule.

I came home and in fact have been on hold now for 20 minutes. My wait time is estimated at an hour. I have some time to kill and it is a phone call will require a wait time no matter when I make the call. Tomorrow or Monday, I doubt I would be able to even get through at all. So, I shall keep myself occupied. LOL

Besides, S called last night and now I need to help him with his car. He has to take it to a mechanic who has a lift because it is shaking and it is something he can't address by himself. So, I now am having to adjust to make sure I am available to address that.

My plans to work on the community project went out the door when the other moving parts changed.

I noticed some events coming up in the next few weeks that have me rather intrigued. A friend of mine has a sculpture that is being unveiled around St Patrick's Day. I may try and attend that event.

I have a piece of artwork that I could ship out for an exhibit but I opting instead to deliver it. I haven't decided if it will be a trip up and back or an overnight yet. As long as the weather behaves, it should be a good trip.

They also just advertised the return of an event that made me laugh as the last time I attempted to go to this was when I had someone show up. The whole plan was to go see this race. The weather was absolutely miserable. Cold and pouring rain on and off. It lead to an impromptu drive and where I ended up with a nail in my tire when all was said and done. But, it all still brings a smile to may face. With the pandemic that race disappeared for a bit. It made me think maybe some sort of normal is emerging at least a little. It doesn't make me want to just go full tilt and go to big events, but this is outdoors and I noted it on my calendar.

For now, I am going to try and find some things to do this month. This whole situation of having to still be mindful of my leg is making me be a bit more creative in my activities. But, I am on a mission to blast through these mountains and I need some more things to fuel that inner fight. So I am going to focus on feeding my soul along the way.

[UrsaMajor]

Not going to go for a long walk today?



I know, I know... Hades bus....

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor - Hmmm. Maybe…long walk with a short pier.  .

I am supposed to be weaning myself off of relying on the boot. I won't complain about that idea, however, I will admit there is still some pain in the shin area and my ankle is tender. The boot provides a certain level of feeling "safe" in that I am a bit fearful of hitting that area again. I misbehaved on Tuesday, according to S. I admit I probably pushed my limits. 

I have been given the task of completely resetting the main gallery. Usually there is a theme and we have a whole calendar figured out ahead of time. But it would seem "someone" didn't think that one out. Dealing with a control freak can be exhausting, but fortunately most of the time I listen and then mentally throw out the information that is basically useless simply because I have learned with this same "someone" that for one, the story changes on a whim and often they get into controlling something else and completely move on to something else. It is easier to let them think it was their idea in the first place, my coworker and I have found. And, frankly at the end of the day, I don't care and most times people know the truth. I just want to do my job and do it well. I am actually grateful my coworker is coming in on Monday when I am here alone to visit me. She can't officially come back to work yet, but she said she would bring coffee and I told her she can boss me around and tell me if things are straight, etc.

Without a theme it is left for me to pull from the existing work that is here, which is somewhat sparse now for a variety of reasons. It makes it tough to come up with something that looks cohesive. But, that also means it opens up for possibilities. I am bringing in some new pieces and may try and knock out a large painting this weekend. D is busy all weekend and S is working on the house with C. They are trying to finish both S's room and C's bedroom so they can move in some things and start getting settled.

S leaves Monday for his trip. He clearly is not looking forward to this particular trip now. There has been no mention of if there will be any type of service or if the drive back will include a stop to bury BIL. And S muttered he knows Xh will be all about S doing all the driving on the way back. I shrugged and said to S that he can tell his F "no" and S rolled his eyes and laughed. Oh right, we are dealing with the crisis version who will be coming off of weeks of no doubt putting on a good show along with the other siblings who will behave like they all get along and are one big happy family (excluding BIL 2, who doesn't pretend). S's comment to me was "it must be exhausting to always pretend". I will admit, his comment caught me off guard and I told him I personally can't understand that type of existence. S agreed.

As we were standing there, the dog brought her bowl into the kitchen and dropped it at S's feet. He gave me a look. I had to explain. For one, she quit eating her meals in her "room" and we found she wanted to eat in the kitchen, where she has an extra water dish. So, I feed her in the kitchen when I am preparing breakfast and again at dinner time.

When she first moved in, she had to be trained to sit and wait to be told it was okay to eat her food, otherwise she was jumping up and wouldn't wait for the dish to be set down. At that time, C had purchased a bowl with a maze in it to make it harder for her to just inhale the food. It looked like a toddler's bowl. C laughed when I had her patiently sitting within a couple of days and I worked on getting her to realize no one was going to steal her food and she didn't have to suck it down. Well, it seems she has decided she has outgrown her toddler dish with the maze and refused to eat out of it. She picked up her extra water bowl, which was empty and dropped it at my feet next to her little maze bowl. I transferred over the food and she ate it up. So, to test if this was an anomaly or a new "thing" I moved the bowl back and sure enough she has decided that she is not a baby any more.

S and I talked about the dog. She will be staying with me a bit longer as C does renovations on the house. I am okay with it for now. She really is amusing and insanely smart. I will give her that. Although, D and I have decided our dog was book smart and this one is more street smart. LOL.

With the better weather and my leg healing, I may be able to take her for walks now. This weekend is supposed to be unseasonably warm. They keep changing the forecast in regards to rain. We will see. I would walk her in the rain, but she doesn't like getting wet and the rain coat she had when she came to first stay with me no longer fits her. My lab would have been rolling in puddles. This one seems to want a new raincoat and a pair of doggie galoshes. LOL

[MourningDove]

I have been essentially alone all weekend except for S and D both stopping in briefly. It is a bit of an odd feeling at the moment. I am embracing the solitude and break from having to play "M", but I am missing human interaction, I must admit.

I have truly determined that I can be alone, but I am someone who wants someone in my life. That person that even just checks in with me to see how my day went, and vis versa. It is not a need to have someone here all the time, although that would probably suit me just fine as long as they had their own interests and weren't like FIL who would follow people around because he didn't have his own things to occupy his time.

I am also learning that I don't do want to be controlled or feel controlled, nor do I have any desire to be in control of anyone else. I never have, although Xh when MLC hit used to say I was controlling like his M. Now I realize that is projection and not how I am wired.

What I have learned is I can be assertive when I want something or see someone does need to take the lead. It is not my first choice in most cases. In other cases, I sometimes like being the one who makes the first move, but that requires a whole lot of trust and being in a more intimate situation where it won't be seen as some form of control.

I can take the lead for instance when someone puts me in charge of something, like the gallery exhibit and I don't have time for BS from "someone".

I want to have some control over things that affect me directly. But control someone else? No thanks.

Even when it comes to my kids. I have never wanted to control their lives. Sometimes as a M, I have watched them say, learn how to ride a bike and know they were going to fall. I didn't want them to get hurt, but knew sometimes in life they were going to perhaps crash figuratively or in reality and I could only be there to help them nurse the injuries. I didn't ever want them to somehow not learn to live life and make their own mistakes. And, there were times I stepped in or Xh did when it was something that required an adult actually being a parent.

Right now, I am witnessing S learning very quickly what it will be like to truly be on his own. It is not easy to sometimes bite my tongue and not warn him about this or that. I have made the decision to not interfere in most cases. What has happened is he has reached out for advice and we discuss things like adults and I don't treat him like a baby. I don't want that role anymore and he doesn't want me to be that way.

What is emerging is still this very close bond with the kids and I. One where they know I am here for them and in some ways a better situation for all of us. We have been through this traumatic experience together and we all need this final set of steps to reach a new type of normal where we are past some of the nonsense. It feels like the place where they would have been if Xh hadn't blown up life - a normal progression.

I am under no illusion that there won't be other hiccups in regards to Xh's shenanigans. That would be foolish of me to believe that at this point. Even if (and no I am not wishing for this) he died, I have this immediate sense that somehow his estate would even pose some sort of headache that would somehow affect the kids or I. Where during the divorce it was hammered into our heads that we needed to, as parents, make sure our wills and the like were all set, including mandated life insurance until the kids were out of college, I am doubting Xh made any appointments to address those things, as he had still not changed me as his emergency contact at the college where he was teaching.

I have no control over what Xh has done or is doing. If something pops up, I will deal with it as it comes. I am not going to worry. Even with this trip with S. I can't worry about whether or not the family repeats the weird burial or not. There is no point in worrying as it is just a waste of energy.

All of these thoughts have been rolling in as I am officially pretty much on my own. D is busy with school and around only for dinners and sleeping. On the weekends, she is busy with her BF or studying.

I suspect the puppy will be leaving in a few weeks as well.

I am pushing myself to work on the bathroom and was up until midnight working diligently. I made a great amount of progress and am back at it today. It brings a certain level of satisfaction and a desire to tackle more things. The weather is gorgeous outside and the idea of going for a hike with someone by my side or enjoying the back deck crosses my mind. I long for those moments. I am almost afraid of thinking I am moving into another phase of my life. The kids both left that first year for college and I had time to myself. The pandemic brought them both back full time and now I am wondering what life will bring my way. I am almost hesitant to put the focus on myself for fear I will be pulled back into some sort of full time "M" role. I would like a bit of a break from that, TBH. 

[UrsaMajor]

You know you'll miss the puppy pouncing on you at 7 in the morning... and snarky kid comments... OK, maybe the Velociraptors will be missed a bit but the rest I am sure that we could all do without, right?

Regarding "control," we have all had to learn one way or the other that we only have real control over our own emotions, our own selves. We can maybe influence others but control? Nope...

Bathroom Progress is also good! Not having to go to mom and dad's to shower is always a positive thing, right? <grin>

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor - Yes, the progress is honestly helping my general mood. It doesn't feel quite as daunting, although I am sure those moments will come again at some point. I am not anticipating them, but I am not ruling it out either - sort of mentally preparing to at least accept it is a possibility and thereby being able to better navigate it. At least that is the hope.

I have today off, but I am so exhausted. I spent the last two days working hanging the show at the gallery. My coworker showed up for part of the time and helped with the physical work to a point for a couple of hours, but I had to remind her to take it easy since she is still only had this major surgery a month ago. She stayed for a couple of hours each day and that was a great relief to have at least some input. But, for the most part, it was all on me to get the room stripped and new pieces put up. It is a lot of physical labor, but it is incredibly mentally exhausting, which people find very hard to understand if they haven't done it. I had one customer who came in yesterday who was convinced that work just randomly gets hung in the space. Not if it is going to be cohesive. I used to tell students a good exhibit or a portfolio should tell a story or have some flow to it. That takes time and thought.

My M noted I looked completely wiped out this morning. I was fast asleep last night very early and would have been in bed earlier had I not forgotten that I had stripped the bed first thing in the morning. As I attempted to make the bed last night the puppy thought it was a game and would jump on the bed and off of it as I tried to get sheets on it. I normally tuck it all in neatly. I got the sheets properly set up, but gave up with the blankets last night, simply because I was tired of the dog's game. She settled in immediately after I crawled into bed and she fell asleep - of course. LOL.

I woke up this morning and saw the mess the bed was and I will tackle that today when D can keep the dog occupied long enough for that to happen.

What dawned on me last night on my way home was that as tired as I was, I felt this extreme sense of accomplishment. I was happy with the results of my efforts. I stayed way later than I had planned, which annoyed D a bit, as she had dinner waiting for me. When I explained to her part of my delay was I was rewiring several of my own pieces in the exhibit that my boss wanted me to put in the gallery. I didn't like the way the wires were pulling on the framing, as they are very large pieces of work and I had to reconfigure that. I would have had to bring them home again, which would mean rewrapping them to protect them and then do the work at home and repeat the wrapping process, etc. I said I felt it made more sense to work more efficiently and just address the problem, even if it meant an extra hour and a half of my own time.

Aside from D, there was no one I had to really answer to. Part of me is enjoying that aspect of being independent and not answering to people. But then there is another part of me that craves companionship. I keep wondering where the balance will ever be. I don't want to put my own work above a relationship all the time, but it may happen. I don't want to be an afterthought either when it comes to someone else.

Way before MLC, Xh and I had a really good balance that worked for the two of us. I know other people couldn't understand it. We loved being with one another, but accepted for instance that when one or the other might have a deadline for a project it meant that we needed to make adjustments. I had a couple of nights where I found myself at my office at the time until 2 am to meet a deadline. Xh came and brought me dinner and we spent a bit of time with one another. He would check on me and see if I was okay, but he didn't get upset. He knew it was a project that was really important to me.

And there were occasions when we might get annoyed. It wasn't always perfect, but we worked through that. When the kids were born, those things did change and we had to adapt. We made it possible though for each of us to have some time to ourselves if we needed it. If either of us felt neglected or taken for granted we expressed it and tried to adjust.

It is that whole time period when things went off the rails that creates these questions in my head. I want to have someone in my life, but are they going to be able to accept that I don't want a shadow all the time? It has nothing to do with not wanting to be around someone. I like having someone near me and spending time with them. But, I know I have moments where I might find myself needing to stay at work a bit later, etc.

Part of this pondering is because I have a friend who was grumbling about her BF not being able to see her this week. She was actually upset with him. He travels for work and the schedule changed. He didn't change the schedule, which I pointed out to her. My response to her was to ask a question, as she knows I won't sugar coat it. I asked her if she knew this about him when they met. She said yes that she knew that out the gate and accepted it. I asked her what has changed in regards to him - was he not paying attention to her when he was around. She admitted no that wasn't it at all. Quite the opposite. So, my next question was whether this is some deal breaker for her. She was shocked at that question and said no. My response then was I guess she needed to figure out how to perhaps make time with him via phone or something else when he is away or to embrace the time she has with him. Or there was the other option, which I knew was not an option - to break it off with him.

The point I made to her was at our age, the realities are very different in that, we are going to be finding people in our lives who have perhaps established careers or families, etc that factor in there. It is what makes it sometimes a bit more complicated at times. We discussed what options there were in terms of if one wants a relationship or companionship or solitude. We both determined that being alone is not really something either of us would want. Companionship is too compartmentalized for both of us. So, that means with a relationship it is accepting certain things or learning to navigate them. She laughed and told me that she hated when I was right. I reminded her that I haven't figured a whole lot out, so I am not sure I am right - LOL.

[MourningDove]

I know, I know - I am going to be on that Hades bus for a long time. Sigh.

Today has been "a day".

D was mercurial. She had plenty of reason to be. She is off from school for the week and S called. She could hear Xh in the background. I saw her bristle. This whole trip thing has D's feelings bubbling up. Why wouldn't it? She realizes S is not to blame. She wouldn't really want to be on that trip right now. But, there is a sting or a gut punch that comes with these moments. Hearing Xh behaving like it is all "normal" is upsetting. There are old feelings. New feelings. And then it comes out as it needs to, but I am the one getting to field these moments. It makes me both sad and angry.

I have never been one to like drama, but now more than ever, I find it sometimes just sets me on edge. And today, I was so tired that any drama added to my exhaustion. I tried desperately to avoid it today, as much as possible. 

It would be later my former coworker from the gallery contacted me. She and Ms Management have a long running feud. If push comes to shove, it is my former coworker I would always side with. But, that said, I really try to stay out of it. I try to just listen. The former coworker is an older woman and someone I have a huge amount of respect for and have known for many, many years. But, she can hang onto things for a very long time. Today, she had one in sideways and brought up other things. I have heard it all before and I just let her get it out of her system, but by the time she was done, I had to take the dog outside just to clear my head.

It was then I secured a seasonal pass it would seem on the Hades bus. I was in a bit of a mood by then. Not cranky, but a bit sassier than normal. My M called to tell me that their contractor had stopped by. They have been on the list to have some repairs done to the siding on their house. My M has mentioned this man before. Did I know him. Nope. Know his sister, I think - if it is the same family. Well, tonight she called and let me know that she asked him to come and look at the damage in the library. It has been a persistent issue for years and I thought the new roof would fix it, but there is one area that gets an ice dam. I have my suspicions as to why and what needs to happen.

I caught it early on and smashed a hole in the ceiling of the library much to the shock of my kids. I had done so much work to repair the damage and hadn't had any issues for a couple of years now. I just knew that after learning some things along the way that if I didn't poke a hole in the ceiling, the water would spread and I would be replacing a bigger section of ceiling. I wasn't even upset when I did it. I was in some ways grateful because it answers the question I had for such a long time, which was one I posed for many years with FIL and Xh - I am almost certain it has to do with the gutter on the front of the house and the insulation in the entry way. Frankly, it is not on my priority list at the moment. I am letting the ceiling dry and it isn't a problem.

But, it would seem my M has been concerned about how I am to find myself alone soon. She is worried I will be lonely. I have said it before - my M doesn't understand how I operate on some levels. She means well. But, I have to have some connection for me to be interested at all.

Now there is a bit of a funny backstory to it all. My M gives herself credit for pointing out my Xh years ago. She did, when we were out at dinner and she clearly was not happy with the man I was dating. Truth be told, nor was I. But, she saw my now Xh and asked why I couldn't find a nice looking young man like that waiter. I didn't know his name at the time, but knew he was in the same classes I was in college. Months later he and I became friends and my M realized immediately it was the same young man she pointed out.

So of course, D thought this whole thing tonight was very funny as it unfolded. My M has decided to dip into her inheritance and wants to pay for the contractor to do the repairs on my ice dam damage. Uh huh. I wasn't suspicious at first. Until she mentioned he went to the same high school as I did, but graduated 8 years after I did. Hmmmm. Okay.  Then came the "he is very handsome. He has 2 sons who are in high school and he has them every other weekend and tonight". I couldn't help myself when I asked when he would be showing up. She said she would let me know, as he would call and let her know what day and time. My answer was "good, I will be sure to show up at the door in full makeup and a low cut dress". My M did not think that was terribly amusing. D was laughing hysterically and my sister was on speaker phone with D and heard my response, to which D had to explain to her what had just gone on. D said my mom picked the last man out maybe I should go for it. My response was “sure - look how that turned out”. D giggled and said that I had a good run. LOL

Great. Now I am going to feel all weird about this contractor showing up. Yay. LOL.

My M means well. I keep reminding myself of this.

Some of it is I don't tell her too much. She worries for one. Secondly, there has been nothing to really tell, except when my F randomly asks about someone else and even then it is not like I share too much.

I sometimes will. I share when I do something really enjoyable, etc. But, I have found more now that I don't always want to share some things. I think I shared so much of what went on in my marital meltdown that I have formed this cocoon around my personal life. IDK.

I won't actually show up a the door like that - certainly not intentionally, although I was in just a bathrobe this morning when the doorbell rang. I found myself there, thinking it was my F dropping something off to find out it was the garbage company who wanted to give me the updated recycling schedule. SMH.

I decided to pour a glass of wine and go into the library for a bit. I registered my one painting for an exhibit coming up and put it on my calendar to physically drive the piece to the location for drop off. It is a two hour drive one way, but I need the reason to escape. My sister can't go. I am not saying a word at the moment. I am not entirely opposed to making the trip by myself. It is a gorgeous trip. I may take the next day off and make a weekend of it. Four days away might be a nice escape.

[UrsaMajor]

Uhmmmmmm ..... I have a vague memory of a story about workers showing up and having to go into your basement, then following you back up the stairs and you worried about inadvertent exposure if I recall correctly... Wasn't that another of Mom's "suggestions?"

Off to Hades we go...


Poor D though.... I can imagine that got her a bit knotted up, hearing GWPWELFV-Dad sounding like everything is peachy-keen. I wonder if the B's ashes are in the console yet waiting for a trip to WVa? How's S holding up? How's his GF doing with the psycho-dog?

When will you get a new puppy of your own after C takes the current one for real?
(I just upped my bus ticket to first class)

As for Ms. Management and Co...

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor - Ah, yes - the plumber. That was a chance thing, but my M asked me later when I was relaying the story if he was single and how old, etc.

I haven't asked S about his trip back yet. He had called to ask me if I was going to be home today. Seems the toolbox he ordered for work the night before he left originally was going to be here in 3 weeks. They had one in stock and it is arriving today sometime. It has to be inspected and signed for. So, my plans changed. If it isn't received then it will be weeks before he can get it delivered again and he needs it. So much for my plans. 

As for GF and psycho dog - GF stopped by yesterday after work. She works about 5 miles from here. She came to gather up some of the boxes that are going to the house. I asked her how things were going. She said it was tough because the dog has developed this new habit where she licks herself continually. The vet said it sounds like anxiety driven. She started it when Xh left and it wasn't as bad when S was around, but now the dog just licks non-stop and usually when it is bed time. GF said the licking noise keeps her awake and she is exhausted. GF figures it is because Xh has been gone so long and that dog is used to having him around.

I told her that it didn't surprise me. The older cat we have was Xh's. She adored him and he fussed over her. She would sit on his shoulder while he worked on client projects in his home office and then she would do the same if he was in the garage. We used to joke she thought he was a pirate and she was a parrot. When he left she started scratching the side of the couch continually. And her behavior changed. She was skittish and acted very odd for a very long time. I had to work with her and she has clearly attached herself to me now, although I don't let her sit on my shoulders.

And our dog was keenly aware Xh was gone. It took her some time to adjust as well. When he would show up she used to get so excited. But as time went on and he disappeared and rarely showed up at all to see the kids, she barely gave him the time of day. It used to upset Xh, but I would just say to him "what did you expect"?

I think that is why it was so hard when Xh showed up when we had the dog put down. He had abandoned her along with the rest of his life and he shows up at the end of her life. On the one hand, I get it. On the other though, it just seems almost cruel to show up.

I often think about when my M's M was dying. My grandmother reminded us of her final wishes. She wanted no part of being "shown" and only wanted immediate family at the funeral home and funeral. And my grandmother was adored by a lot of people, but she said she didn't need to be put on display and commented that if people wanted to come see her they should have done it when she was alive and well. We held to her wishes and put up with a lot of grief from those who hadn't seen her in years. It made us laugh, honestly because we could still hear her words.

Now, as for the puppy question. Hmmmm. I am not opposed to a puppy again. I won't be going out right away to do that. Puppies are a lot of work. That I get. It largely has to do with this particular dog and breed. She is sort of like the hyperactive toddler that is hopped up on sugar in addition to being on her second wind - like overtired crazy. Add to that she is a dog that is built to be very springy. She can bounce like a kangaroo. It is impressive - but not fun when she literally gets a running start and is 3 feet above the bed before she lands on you. My chocolate lab was energetic, and in fact a spaz when she was a puppy, but nothing like this. LOL

[MourningDove]

S called to let me know what he and Xh have been up to and to let me know when the toolbox was supposed to show up. It seems the delivery wasn't going to happen until mid afternoon and I could have kept to part of my plans. But, by then I had already moved my day around to make sure I was available.

S said unbeknownst to him, Xh decided they should go to bike week in Daytona. S said they have been bar hopping, which sort of struck me as really odd, as in Xh was never one to do that and S said Xh was rather intoxicated most nights. But, my friend reminded me of the recent death of his B and maybe that is playing into it. It still shocked me since it had never been something I knew Xh to do, at least not for days on end. We had done a couple of bar crawls in our youth, but even then it was not an exercise in how drunk we could get. S said they were on their way back to see BIL, who is just getting back from a work trip.

When the delivery truck showed up, I wandered out and the sun was out and it was just a perfect spring-like day. I greeted the driver, who was probably in his 50's. We both said how perfect the weather was, and he asked if I had seen the weather report. Yup. We are going to get hit over the head this weekend. I joked that historically if we have a fairly mild winter, which it really has been for us, then we get a good reminder always around St. Patrick's Day that Mother Nature will tell us when it is spring and not before.

It was then that he got this huge smile on his face and he said he was just saying that to his W. And then he became very nostalgic. He said he met his W for the first time on St. Patrick's Day. He told me where he had lived at the time and where she was from and they were supposed to meet for dinner. He had not seen her before. I am not sure if it was a set up or what, but he said it started to storm. I know the area he was talking about and if it storms there, it is a task to drive. He said he considered turning back, but something kept him going and he hoped it would be worth the drive. The smile never left his face as he relayed the story.

He kept working as he told me that he had made mistakes before his W. He met her 15 years ago and he realized that no one is perfect, and he has little regard for people who just throw away someone because they think something better is out there. He said no matter what, he has realized that most days he and his W laugh and smile and that is really all it is about. He said he doesn't see why there has to be more than that.

I realized that there is a lot of truth in that statement. Yes, there has to be attraction. Yes, you have to be able to communicate. But for me, that is what gets me through things. I want someone who makes me laugh and smile. Yes, maybe share deep thoughts and moments, but the man who can make me laugh at silly things is the one who could hold my heart. The person who when you think of them you smile.

That is clearly what this man was doing. Just the mere mention of his W, and the look on his face was one where he clearly couldn't wait to see her when he got home.

It was nice to see that and hear something other than "OMG, my spouse is such a nag or something else".

It is the thing that I know I so desperately want more than someone to simply fill some space in my life and or be the person I go to the movies with. And I have experienced it, but I often lose hope of ever maintaining it simply because I can't quite see where my path is leading me.

That said - it was truly a nice thing to experience and nice to know that there are still people out there who cherish what they have.

[UrsaMajor]

That said - it was truly a nice thing to experience and nice to know that there are still people out there who cherish what they have

<sigh>  Lucky couple...

[MourningDove]

That said - it was truly a nice thing to experience and nice to know that there are still people out there who cherish what they have

<sigh>  Lucky couple...

UrsaMajor - I know. What's that like? Sigh.

My former coworker contacted me late last night. That is very unusual and only happened one other time when he had been drinking. This was different. I haven't seen nor heard from him in easily 3 weeks. I knew he was closing the loop on this divorce and had winter break not long ago.

When I answered he sounded really shaken up. He is all of 34 and told me he just needed someone to kick his butt and tell him things would be okay. I sort of laughed and said if he was asking me to become a nag, that was a tall order because I really don't like that role. But, I could tell he was troubled.

He said he was glad he followed my lead and reminded him to think about the price of peace. His divorce dragged out for 5 years. He said the stress of it all was killing him and he wanted a "win" most of the time. He finally conceded on a couple of things and said in the end he saw it was simply eating at him and sucking the life out of him.

I asked him if this is why he was calling. No. He wanted to tell me that on his F's insistence he went to see a doctor because his F recognized the stress was taking a toll on him. His F was able to get him into his cardiologist's office on an emergency visit. Good thing he did. When my coworker told me the numbers of his BP, I was beyond shocked. The doctor gave him a list of things that he needs to do and I said, hmmmm- probably need to give up smoking was one. Yah- that was one he admitted.

He just needed someone to talk to last night about the effects of the stress. He clearly is scared and I told him I was going to send his F a thank you card. He asked why and I explained for looking out for my good friend, who has often looked out for me.

What struck me when we hung up was how scared he sounded. That is not something I am used to hearing from him. I think it rattled me a bit. And in part, it is because he is so young.

I had already been in thinky mode about someone else earlier. I won't call it worry, because that never really explains it for me. I am not a worrier as such. But, I do think and care about people that mean something to me.

I don't know if it was the combination of those conversations last night and hearing Xh in the background of a phone call from S that prompted my dreams, but I know I really hate when Xh shows up in them.

Last night's dream was Xh was renovating a hotel/apartment building that I had been living in prior to his appearance. Somehow it lead to him trying to convince me to move into a bigger unit but the stipulation was I moved in with him. I know that did not sit well with me and the tension in the dream, clearly translated into reality because I woke up in the middle of the night right at that moment and my fists were clenched and I had a horribly stiff neck. My whole body had tensed up. It took me some time to relax again and fall back asleep.

I am not going to somehow go through an analyze the dream. It is not worth the effort. I do know that when BD hit, I wanted desperately to have dreams about Xh. It was as if it was the only connection I had left of him or thought they might provide answers to my situation. Now I have a very different reaction. I really don't want to dream about Xh at all. It is not pleasant.

All of this made me think about yesterday's interaction with the delivery driver. Yup. That relationship he has is something to strive for. Life is way too short for that BS called MLC.

[MourningDove]

I thought about my former coworker and his situation on and off today. I think the shock of knowing how the stress he has been under has affected him was pretty sobering. He had a checkup a couple of years ago and all was good. Certainly, there could be other factors, but I know enough about his situation with teaching in a pandemic setting on top of being the sole reliable parent and going through a divorce all at once was draining him. He is way too young to be having these types of issues.

Yet, it also made me look back at my own health scares during the height of the divorce and when Xh was a monster. I was dealing with similar issues for awhile. I recall the doctor threatening to send me to the emergency room because my blood pressure had been unusually high.

I don't have the answers and I wouldn't suggest my way of dealing with things is the only way or the right way. But, I found it was the right way for me. I have to sometimes remind myself of that when I question if I should have fought harder or taken Xh back to court, etc. But for my own sanity I had to choose my battles. And some battles I fought hard. The reason the house was a battle for me is my attorney wisely told me that my Xh was, based on her experience after witnessing his behaviors in court, would have jerked me around and not paid support. The house was one way for me to have some security. I gave up going after alimony and hiring a forensic accountant to find the money I know he was hiding. It would have dragged it out and cost me a small fortune.

I watched a friend of mine do just that. Her health has suffered immensely over the years. Our divorces were rolling along at the same time and she was and is still hellbent on winning. Thing is, she is still going through the court process and has dumped so much time and money into this process and for what? I can't see how it benefits her in many ways. She is not going after a multi millionaire.

When I decided what is the price of my peace, it was a very intentional thought. I held to that and it helped me to decide when I had to fight back. It hasn't been easy because sometimes Xh makes me so furious and the stress of having to do it all on my own because of his lack of any concept of being a responsible parent escaped him has often made me wish for vengeance of some sort. Yet, at the end of the day, that would not make me somehow feel better. It might be a temporary feeling of satisfaction for me. The path to my own happiness is my best revenge. For one, he told me I would be just like his M and become an old, bitter woman that no one would ever love again. At one point, my goal was to simply prove him wrong. Along the way, it began to not matter as much about proving him wrong. It was more about feeling better for my own benefit.

It is not to say that sometimes his damaging MLC words don't filter in and I find myself either falling victim to them. And there are moments like today - where I see that I am not what that MLCer made me out to be. I sometimes need the reminder.

I have been struggling a bit with those "what now" thoughts in regards to my employment, etc. I haven't really spoken to too many people about it because it seems like some romantic, foolish thought. I could very easily go back to work full time and do the whole 9-5 grind and probably make the best of it. I could juggle 6 jobs like I did at one point just to keep things afloat. Those jobs allowed me the flexibility to be there for both kids while they navigated high school and college while the MLCer went off the rails and then I also could take time out for court, etc.

It is not that I haven't been looking at jobs, etc. I have seen a couple that would have been perfect but would have me packing up my life and moving across the country. I don't mind the idea of moving, but I am not sure that I want to just start over and leave all of the things I do have. It boils down to what do I want to give up to gain. That is where I keep landing.

I want so desperately to travel and have some freedom. Something I haven't had in years, TBH. Before MLC, I did travel. Most of the time it was with Xh, but there were a few trips I took with my sister or by myself for work, etc. Or day trips with the kids. And before the pandemic shutdown I was ready to go to Europe for a month and travel. That didn't happen and I ended up having to buy a new refrigerator anyways, so that sort of put that idea to rest for awhile. Now, I am wanting to do somethings for myself. Yes, I would love to do them with someone along side of me, but I may not have that opportunity. IDK. Yet, it then comes right back to how do I achieve that particular dream of having some of these freedoms.

And, there is part of me that is enjoying painting and being creative. It has been so long since I have used that skill set as the way I earned a living. Yet, I am also not sure I want to go full tilt back to working for clients. I miss the teaching, but know that I have no desire to go back to teaching at the high school level again. I have found I don't miss the structure of high school. The college courses are still a crap shoot for Fall. I have been asked to take on several classes at the gallery and am developing those. But, it all seems so fragmented and I have been wondering if I am somehow losing my marbles thinking any of this makes sense.

I was busy working away and doing a lot of thinking today at the gallery. I had to laugh as the gallery owner came down to look at the current show. She smiled and told me that it was really very stunning. I felt good having her approval, especially since she would be very quick to tell me if she didn't like something. She is not one to throw compliments around without any merit. And she has a good eye and the skills to back up her criticisms.

Strangely today, I may have found the pieces to pull this together. My former coworker from the gallery popped in to see me. She has a job at a historical society now and still paints. She asked me if I would consider coming to work a few days a week with her. They need someone who can do graphics and the like. It isn't big bucks, but it would possibly allow me to work remotely some of the time and it would be an organization that I do like. I told her I would go talk to her director and find out more because I am in fact intrigued. It still would give me time to be creative and do the other things I so desperately want to do.

Before my former coworker had left she had commented that I could easily run the gallery with my eyes closed and it is a threat to Ms Management. I know that is part of the problem with her. The truth is I don't want to do the business side of things. Been there, done that when my Xh owned his business. I hated the book keeping aspect. And I let him do the marketing of even my work. I don't enjoy that part, in many ways because I always thought he was better at it.

It was late in the day and I had sold 2 paintings for other artists and the owner was on her way out the door. She commented that I had a very good sense about people and my sincerity is what has sold a lot of work in the past few months. For one, I am enthusiastic about the work and when people find a piece they love. My weakness has been wanting to stay out of the spotlight.

As I was taking care of some tasks, I noticed a woman out front peering through the window with a dog on a leash. I opened the door and told her to come in, as there wasn't anyone else there and she hesitated. I know the owner is a dog lover so that was not going to be a problem. I had seen her before walking a different dog. This was her new dog. She paused and said she saw this painting through the window and it caught her eye immediately. I asked which one and she walked over to one of my paintings. When she turned and saw there was a series of them she gasped. It was so easy to answer her questions and I laughed when she spotted one that is decidedly a winter scene. She started to explain how she felt and I laughed. I told her that clearly she and I are of the same mind. Her explanation was it felt like taking a walk in a blizzard and everything is peaceful and quiet. When I told her that is exactly what that was, as I am a nut who walks during blizzards, she laughed and said "me too". We had a discussion about feeling like being in a snow globe. She was there for nearly an hour. The dog gave up and laid down at her feet and took a nap. She was thinking about the one painting going over her bed at home and had ideas for 2 of the others. She said she is bringing her H back in to show him next week when I am in.

Now, I know it could be she never comes back. It is not a guaranteed sale until the commission hits my bank account, but I needed the boost today. I can't be certain that this is what I am supposed to do, but my gut is telling me something is strangely lining up the way it should. I could be way off, but something feels oddly right at the moment.

As I was getting ready to close up for the night, another customer popped in. I have spoken to her before. She asked if I was going to be teaching any courses, because someone who had been in one of the other classes that I covered some time ago said they had hoped I would teach a course soon. She started telling me she wanted to learn how to paint skies and clouds, etc but not in a realistic manner, but more expressive. She unwittingly walked over to one of my paintings and said "like these". She was getting ready to ask me if I could teach that style and then she saw the tag on the artwork and we both laughed. I said, yes, I have found as long as someone is willing to listen and really wants to learn, I can usually teach them, but it will be their own style. She grabbed a sheet of paper and wrote down her contact information and asked me to contact her when I hammered out the dates.

On my way home, I circled back to thinking about my decision to let go of some of the things that I could have fought for in regards to Xh. If I were going after the money D is owed for college, etc, I would still be back in court as we speak. I am not sure when the end would be in sight. Yup, it has cost me financially and it sometimes feels like Xh is winning. It feels like he is winning when he is off on his long vacation and I can hear him in the background of the call to S. It sometimes feels like he is winning when I am dealing with stupid MLC fixes on the house. But, at the end of the day, I have really been able to find a whole lot of peace by letting go and letting him "win". The truth is, for me the battles I fought hard were well worth it in the long run, but now, most of the battles Xh wants to fight are best left for him to battle on his own. I want no part of playing his "war games". Even on my most stressful days, it is easier than dealing with the MLCer and his nonsense.

[MourningDove]

Sometimes there are just moments where I know what to expect. It is the tell tale pattern.

I didn't see D yesterday. She was supposed to go to some lacrosse tournament that was cancelled due to the weather. I had gone to the accountant with C, as I promised I would, since I told him with him having moved from a different state mid year, it would make sense to have someone who could help him with some of the more complex issues and guide him for next year with the house acquisition.

My accountant is beyond awesome. She knows from her own personal experience of having taken a kid under her wing some years ago why I wanted to have C come to her. As I anticipated, she did not charge him for the hour and told him being 22 and having his own house was a really big deal and not to screw it up. I smiled at her, as I hadn't told her about anything. He was grinning ear to ear. I asked her about her "surrogate kid" who she had stepped in and pulled out of a horrible home situation years ago and she beamed. He was working for a company nearby and is getting married. He comes to see her once a week just to check on her. He needed a parental figure who would care for him but not get away with BS either. She is very no nonsense about certain things. She told C what he needed to do and advised him to do and when we left C was really very appreciative of not only her taking the time, but he thanked me for going with him.

I saw the weather was turning and after dropping C back at my house, I went to the grocery store. It was then I missed D. She was cranky. I could hear it in her tone. I didn't ask what had gone on, but had my suspicions. I let it go and asked her if she needed anything.

I was grateful for the quiet at home when I came back. I had an enjoyable evening last night.

This morning my leg was bothering me a bit. It is much better, but I knew I should not be climbing the ladder today to work on the bathroom. So I decided to just unbox my books that have been in the living room and put them back on the library shelves. I am not sure it makes sense, but I needed something to feel like it was moving forward. Yes, it means I have to move them again when I paint the remaining sections of the library or cover them, but I just don't care. I didn't sort through them or put them up in any order. They have been boxed up since the disaster. I figured I would just see how much room they really take up for one, as I had moved some from the den and my art room into the library, as the library had at one point been FIL's room then D's room for so long that the books had never really been back in the actual library in years. I plan on cleaning some more out that are Xh's, but my goal today was to just empty the boxes.

This afternoon, I knew the moment the door opened and she immediately walked into the kitchen and turned off the radio I was in for a "treat". Oh, Xh has been working his magic yet again and gotten under D's skin. Seems the bar crawl has continued and Saturday the drinking began at 9 am. S was the DD so he didn't participate, but D was clearly not loving this situation. And why would she. She was old enough to witness enough years of my one BIL whose ashes Xh carried around for months, pickle himself for years. My BIL started drinking in his teen years and never stopped except for the 2 times in rehab Xh paid for monetarily and by being there for BIL. It was no secret.

D snapped at me about what was my thought process. Did I really think this was efficient and blah, blah, blah. I held my tongue and chose my words carefully even though I wanted to yell at her by then. I know this dance. I wasn't going to join in. I told perhaps it was not her way of doing it and maybe it is silly, but today, I have a desire to just feel like the boxes are gone from the living room and one room is at least semi-finished. She pointed out the walls still need to be finished where I had stopped painting. I calmly reminded her that those were all projects that I was in the middle of when we found ourselves suddenly dealing with the great disaster that took priority. I explained that was my point. I am tired of having every room feel like complete chaos and surrounded by boxes. My thought is it may make these other projects, like finishing the walls in the living room a bit less daunting since with the boxes out of there, I can see that the walls might only take me a day to finish and aside from a couple of small things, I could have the living room back to being a living room where I can relax.

She didn't see it. All she saw was lack of logic and was frustrated. I know her well enough to know this was more about her feeling like there was nothing she could do to control Xh's behaviors and when she is dealing with those emotions any change or unexpected things tend to throw D into a bit of a spin. I recognize the behavior since I felt that way when I was trying to navigate my way out of the MLC BS with Xh. I continually remind myself that D has to be experiencing the trigger of the "touch and go" that Xh did with calling her about the other BIL.

D's BF is home for the week and I am grateful she will be spending most of the week with him. Having her home while I tackle these things is not going to be productive. Once I get things at least moved around and semi-settled, she will relax. Right now, the last thing she needs is to be in an environment where I am just moving things around as she is here. It is like going into the grocery store and every week they have completely reorganized, as far as she is feeling at the moment.

That said, after she left, I looked in the library and laughed. I was able to fit all of the books onto two long shelves. There are still 8 open shelves of the same size. I had cleaned out some books before and I can now see what have and what can go. I am avoiding the urge to organize them at the moment and sticking to my mission. I have put S's things that are going into the boxes I emptied and stacking them. C took a couple more boxes with him when he stopped by today. The puppy cannot figure out what I am doing and decided to curl up on the couch and not get in my way.

IDK - we will see how this all works for me. For now, I am going to enjoy the house being quiet again and I do hope D relaxes some. I can't fix for her and it is hard to not want to absorb her pain. I know she is hurting and angry. I won't be the whipping post, but I will at least try to be mindful of her feelings and try and help her navigate it as best as I can.

[UrsaMajor]

The Zen Master strikes again....

Poor D though..... Watching history in GWPWELFV's family repeat itself...

And poor S having to drive the Pickled GWPWELFV around... That has to be more fun than having a root canal without novocaine......

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor - Zen master? Depends on the moment. LOL.

It is so hard to know how to respond when these moments come. I have to remind myself that D is young. I have to remind myself that she has been put through the wringer and she is in fact experiencing many of the emotions I did. And, I didn't respond terribly well sometimes when people didn't understand my feelings with Xh's antics. I could not make sense of so many emotions and had my moments of being very edgy.

It doesn't make D's behavior somehow okay, but I am working on trying to think back to how I felt and what I needed to try and help D navigate the complex feelings. I can't fix it for her, but I do understand on some level, although I really think it is much harder on her than it was on me.

As for S. Interesting - all of it. I have had several calls from S since he left. He is not one to text. He prefers to talk. He reached out today to check in. He was alone and working on an engine. He was bored sitting around and they are visiting a cousin of Xh's who has all sorts of old tractors. S said he has 3 of them running. Xh was off with the cousin to get breakfast out. S said he was getting tired of eating out all the time and they are leaving for BIL 2's tomorrow and SIL will be so excited to have people to cook for. She loves entertaining.

S said he was glad the drinking has let up at least in terms of Xh is not dragging him out to bars this week. S then said he knows what the next feud is that D mentioned. Oh? S asked me what is with Xh's family and the completely F'ed up relationships. I am shocked about part of what he told me, but some is not any surprise.

The part that is not a surprise, but is still so incredibly messed up is that it would seem that this trip to BIL 2's is going to set off the next feud. It is my Xh's sister's doing. Now the first part of screwed up is the B that died is the one she accused of doing horrible things. Yet, she helped plan a memorial service for him this past weekend. BIL 2 had no issues with the eldest B. But, SIL decided not to let BIL 2 know there was a memorial service. So now, Xh will be stepping into it. S said he didn't know BIL 2 wasn't invited until the event or he would have let BIL 2 know. S expressed how incredibly wrong it was. And then of course, the people who had no idea he wasn't invited now think BIL 2 was being a jerk by not showing up. So, the $h!te will hit the fan with my Xh's sister now.

I know my SIL well enough to know what this is about. She pulled her next move, which is the part I am shocked about. She never liked the eldest B's W. But, she has swooped in and S informed me that my BIL's widow is not staying where she is. That I figured. I thought for sure she would move near her S. Nope. SIL has convinced her to move onto their property and build a little place on their land. Uh huh. So now it will become this family compound with Xh considering building as well.

Oh, and they convinced the eldest SIL to bury BIL's ashes in the "family plot" in May. S's comment was he is hoping he won't be able to take the time off from work for that event.

SMH - LOL

I know all the reasons why my SIL is doing this. She is pretty transparent. It benefits her.

Before I hung up the phone with S, he asked me what my F was up to. I said I know he was missing S, as is my M. He said he was going to call my F and talk to him.

I am so grateful one of the things I have learned to really understand about myself now after MLC is how I have no use for toxicity in my life. Xh's family, aside from BIL 2 is just one big toxic stew that has just been cooking for years. I don't miss that recipe at all. I just see nothing positive coming out of this new ingredient with SIL moving up here. It certainly isn't going to help Xh address his issues. I could be wrong. 

I was glad to hear from S, but I have to admit, I want to get back to not knowing what is going on with Xh and that part of his family. It is drama and pure insanity. 

[UrsaMajor]

You could be wrong about the building of Jonestown 2 with the new SIL added.... and it will all help xH get his head out of his .... fog....

And pigs could learn to fly too....

Xh's family, aside from BIL 2 is just one big toxic stew that has just been cooking for years. I don't miss that recipe at all. I just see nothing positive coming out of this new ingredient with SIL moving up here.

As far as BIL2 goes, since he has broken free of the "Chains of Foo" that bind the rest, he will likely see the snub for what it is - his sister's lame attempt to make him a "bad guy" again - healthy folks that do not support the sick status quo are often ostracized by those that benefit from that same status quo....

[Treasur]

Good Lord, it’s dysfunction junction, isn’t it?  Well every time you feel a bit frustrated with work in your home, there are a zillion blessings you can count right there!

And it may be a good thing that your son is in a position to evaluate it all for himself independently. Hopefully, there are some fine life lessons in it lol

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor & Treasur - it is all a whole lot of WTF. It is so beyond comprehension for me on so many levels. I was telling my F about it today and he shook his head. He can't understand when Xh boarded that crazy train because for so many years prior to his crisis self emerging, he was keenly aware of how messed up things were with some of the siblings and distanced himself.

My sister and I spent the morning helping my parents put their antique rug back in the living room. They had been so resistant to taking it out as they are getting to a point where change just rattles them more and more. But, when we unrolled it my parents both had huge smiles on their faces. They have been so proud of that rug that they bought so many years ago and took really good care of it, but it needed more than a regular vacuuming and it is not something that can be steam cleaned. The repair to the corner had been made and the cleaning revealed the insanely rich colors again. And neither my sister nor I can recall the last time it felt as soft as it does now.

While we were there we also tackled cleaning behind a bookcase my F had made years ago. It is a very large, heavy piece of furniture and we had to remove every item from the bookcase and it took two of us to slide it away from the wall. It was something my M and F did every season. They try to dust behind it, but it is a task. I could tell it was stressing my parents out to have us disrupting their routine. But, with my sister there it was tackled. Once we started my F sat and started reminiscing about one of the dents on the bookcase. It was from my sister who would put her feet up on it when she was a teenager. My sister laughed.

One of the things we came across was a catalog that Xh had designed for a solo exhibit my F had. Xh and I had coordinated the whole exhibit but Xh came up with some really fantastic things that he and my F worked on together. My sister's comment was "evidence that crazy didn't always exist". Sigh - that is true.

It was then my F mentioned that S had reached out to talk to my F yesterday. It was right after S had spoken to me about this whole insane new development. I know S well enough to know that means he was missing my F and from the past few years with Xh, I know this behavior. This is S realizing that Xh is not the same man and S really is much closer to my F now.

It is not something I am somehow happy about or feel as if it is some sort of win. It pains me to see that Xh has so destroyed the relationship they had. I am grateful that my kids have BIL 2 and SIL. And I know the kids are close to my family, but it still upsets me when they are continually disappointed by the behaviors. Yet, there is nothing I can do about it.

As for this new development with the other SIL - it perplexes more than anyone can imagine. Yet, it makes really bizarre sense based on what I do know of the very mixed up world of Xh's siblings who choose to swim in this FOO pool. Xh's sister wants to be the favorite SIL. That was always a thing for her. She had a need to be the center of attention and when MIL died she announced she was now the "Matriarch" of the family. The boys all sort of rolled their eyes as she would take on this roll of somehow thinking she was going to control things like some old clan.

My sister reminded me of one of the last events with SIL. It was when the other B died and they had a memorial service. It was planned and she was not going to be able to make it she claimed. She changed her mind at the last minute and took it upon herself to call up the restaurant that had been reserved, unbeknownst to anyone. She changed the venue and the reservation times to accommodate her needs. D and S had been so troubled by the whole scenario they had called my sister afterwards and recounted the whole bizarre event.

And yes, BIL 2 will recognize it all for what it is - insanity, but the mere fact that he was excluded from being able to be there for his own B's memorial is going to really be a big feud. This will not just go away like their other feuds I suspect. This will further push BIL 2 to distance himself from that side of the family. Xh may find himself really having to choose a side. It is not a situation where I see Xh somehow being the intermediary here. SIL's move may have really permanently fractured the already weak relationship. Yes, BIL 2 will be the bigger man in most cases, but I don't see him coming to visit at this new "compound" they seem to be building.

I will remind myself when another MLC repair pops up - that I am not part of that mayhem and I will count my blessings for that. Glad I am not part of that soap opera. I will stick to the big drama of the day, which involved my sister and I moving my F's books around on him - which I don't think he is terribly happy about. 

[UrsaMajor]

I will stick to the big drama of the day, which involved my sister and I moving my F's books around on him - which I don't think he is terribly happy about.

Well, that might give him something else to do for a few hours - re-rearranging his bookshelf... 

"evidence that crazy didn't always exist" indeed... Looks like Sis has saved a seat right next to you on the Hades bus tour...

Seems like the one SIL is really the toxic FOOfer and splatterer of poop.... You know, one of those people who pounds on the table and splatters the poo all around without realizing that a good portion of it is ending up on their own shirt... But, hey, you know the old saying... "If the FOO $#!ts, wear it...."

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor - My F has enough to keep himself occupied - LOL. In fact today I just heard they are going to have an event that will take place around the last life-size commission he worked on. It was the one S and I helped with during the height of MLC that honestly needs a bit of a reboot in terms of that "unveiling". For me it was a horrible event with Xh there making it almost unbearable. It was hard to try and focus on the actual event.

The new event is making my F so happy. So many people in the community had complained that the landscaping had obstructed the piece and now they have been able to work on planting new trees. The woman who originally spearheaded the commission is involved and it gives my F something to look forward to. He has been invited to the celebration and I don't think he has given the bookshelf much thought since then.   

As for my former SIL. Yes, she has always had noticeable FOO issues. She has always had a need to be the "favorite" and would try to buy people's affections. She was fun to be around before she had kids, but some things happened over the years that made her unbearable to be around. I have had several encounters in recent years with people who either worked with her or knew her and I would get the response where they would suck their breath in when they found out I was her SIL, as if to hesitate in how to respond. I would always laugh and say "yah, I know" and that would be the end of it because I would try and change the subject. I tried not to throw SIL under the bus. But let's just say she and my Toxic Aunt would be neck-in-neck for top award in toxicity. Even before the divorce I did my best to avoid too many encounters with her. Her partner - different story. Her partner deserves to be awarded sainthood. 

I had a call from my cousin last night. It is very unusual for him to call me. He is Toxic Aunt's middle child and he takes after my uncle, who is the nicest guy. I wondered why my cousin was calling and he went on to tell me not to open the door if a certain make and model car shows up at my door. Huh? My cousin has a high school friend who lives a few houses down the road from me. I see her on and off walking her dog. She is married. They share a mutual friend who always was a nice guy. Problem is, he is going through a divorce and his drinking was one of the big issues. So, now it seems the drinking has kicked into a higher level and the guy loses all sense of right and wrong. So much so that my cousin told me that he no longer will go see him. I know it pains my cousin because the guy when he is sober is kindhearted, etc.

It would seem that the mutual friend got it in his head that the female friend was alone and somehow lonely because her H works nights at the moment. The male friend came out the other night and made a wrong turn on my road and got lost. He was completely intoxicated, as the female friend was finally found but she was scared of him. Her B is a sheriff and she made a call to him and the male friend left before the brother got here.

I was wondering why my cousin was telling me this. He is not one to do a lot of talking and he just said to me he was worried with me being alone and this guy is a big guy. He was concerned because the man is not himself when he is drunk and he is lonely and won't take no for an answer. I thanked him and laughed a bit since I said at the moment I have the ferocious puppy who scares everyone with her bark and raised hair and there is a rather large truck in my driveway that looks like I have some brawny guy here. Add to that, S's one friend has been coming to work in the garage fairly regularly and he does check on me.

I hung up and thought about a several things. One, there is no way I am sharing this with my M. Two, what prompted my cousin to be so concerned tells me this is a bad situation. I do appreciate the heads up because if I had seen this guy, I know him well enough to not have known any better and would have probably opened the door for him had he stopped. Three, that I am grateful for my neighbors who I can call.

I am not scared or suddenly worried. I won't live that way. But, I thought about something my cousin said and he noted he just couldn't understand his friend's behavior when he is drunk because it is like Jekyll and Hyde.

I had seen this with deceased BIL 5. He could be charming and thoughtful. When he was drinking he was a pig. He would not have attacked anyone, but S had him listed as "Uncle Licentious" in his phone contacts. It fit. He was awful when he was drinking.

I also thought about how much Xh changed when it came to MLC and his behaviors. It is hard to tell if it was some chemical change or mental illness at that point. It could have been the change in his consumption of alcohol by then that exacerbated it because that was notable.

I think it just made me think in general how I suppose anyone can be capable of being someone totally different if they trip into addictions or don't deal with their inner demons.

But, I am not going to try and unravel that ball of twine. Instead I am going to focus on the beautiful day outside and am headed to help out at the non profit for a bit. I am needing a change of pace today.

[UrsaMajor]

<knock, knock>


Seriously though, mental illness/addiction/chemical change can change people like you said - Dr. Jeykll and Mr. Hyde

Maybe TSIL and TA should get together? I mean, they seem to have lots in common...

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor - You have no idea how incredibly amusing that is. This particular guy is about that size - as in tall and fills a doorway. Although, they called him Lurch, like in the Adamm's family.

I actually dated his older B for a short time. The brother was tall but wasn't built the same way. It was the story that has been written a thousand times in novels. The older B was handsome and the women loved him. Part of why I sort of got tired of him quickly. He knew he was "all that" and it never shocked me when he cheated on his W a dozen times over the years. He was nice enough, but it was the other B, "Lurch" who was honestly the kinder of the two. It is the alcohol and probably FOO issues that have messed him up.

This morning my former coworker reached out via text. He made me laugh because it almost sounded creepy because his text was "I know what you did yesterday". Ummmmm I didn't tell anyone in RL what I was going to do or was doing yesterday. It wasn't a secret, I just didn't share it per se. It didn't affect anyone in my immediate circle. So, I asked him to please clarify because he was sounding rather stalker-like. He laughed. Apparently I was out being true to my core and sprinkling bits of kindness about. LOL

Okay, I then asked how he knew what I had done because he and I haven't spoken in a bit and we aren't friends on Facebook so he didn't see something somehow. But then again, even if he had been on Facebook I haven't posted there and I don't think I was somehow tagged in something he would have seen. Hmmmmmm.

He laughed and said word got back to him. Ah. Let's see. Okay. I knew the one situation would have easily gotten back to him but what had I done in addition to that.

He said he heard I posted a response to something a former student had posted in the morning. I had. I don't post publicly too often but this warranted the response. I had posted a very specific response to a kid who had talent that failed my class 2 times and then the last year just barely made it through and not because he wasn't capable. He didn't believe he was talented or artistic. And, it was never about making them all into artists somehow. I just knew this kid had a really good sense about art and fear held him back. There on my computer screen yesterday was a stunning photo that I know would have required skill and patience at the very least. It also required someone even being able to imagine what it might look like before even taking the shot. It was a decidedly complex shot. His post was that it was all about the new camera he had. Nope I wasn't having it. I decided to joke with him and say that he basically had been holding out on me and then said it was not the camera, that is merely a tool that helped him achieve that shot. The responses underneath after that were from his former classmates that all kept posting heart emojis. They knew I was serious and never fed them BS. And the kid deserved to know it was a stunning shot.

Seems one of the current students who also knows me, saw the post and shared it with my former coworker.

Okay that explained that but I laughed and said how quickly had he heard what had gone on later in the day. He said another former student contacted him and just said that she knows now that I was serious about how much I cared about my students. I had searched out her best friend, the young man that I had given FIL's antique camera to. He touches base with me fairly regularly to show me his creative projects. The last time I spoke to him he was not himself. It concerned me, not going to lie.

I was at the non profit and he lives in that community. I reached out and told him where I was and if he had time to come see me. He popped in and he looked awful. I worked away and he and I talked about his projects, but there was no happiness in his voice. I told him I had to go work on another project in the building. He asked if he could help in any way. The people spearheading the project were so thrilled to have him there. He jumped right into working. When he took a bit of a break he started opening up. I knew he had to quit college but wasn't sure why. Out it came. His M had met a man online and turned out it was a scam and had drained the accounts. She decided she wanted a divorce and just left. There was no money to help with tuition and now he had to help his F take care of siblings. I could feel myself tense up a bit. I don't typically go around sharing these things with just anyone. I told him I know a bit about what he is going through and explained my Xh decided he didn't want to be married anymore and it has been a tough journey.

As he talked he mentioned the stresses of trying to help his F. I stopped him and said it was okay that he is trying to help out but to not take on all the emotional responsibility and that his F has to work on himself. I gave the kid a hug and told him that to remind himself if someone is drowning you can't help them if you are drowning too. He smiled and said that helped. And then we just worked. He went off and found a project that really fits his abilities. He was humming away and the one woman, who I know a bit about has also had a MLCer experience. She had caught part of the conversation and she smiled. She said he was in the right place. With people who would understand.

I was only going to stay for a couple of hours, but I was there 7, just throwing myself into the work and enjoying the progress. My former student, he was off helping and his demeanor changed. He looked lighter somehow. When the crew offered to buy pizza, he was going to leave thinking it was for just the adults. They were quick to tell him he was part of the crew and to stay. He just relaxed and then made a suggestion for something they could do. He could design it. They were thrilled. He went home and this morning at 4 am he must have sent me a text, but I had my phone on silence. He had already designed it and produced it.

Yesterday, he was going to only show up when I did because he is a bit shy. But this morning I had a lovely text from the head of the project. She was just thrilled. He had gone back to ask if he could help out again today because he has the day off. He sent me a text a few minutes ago and thanked me. I asked for what. He said for introducing me to that group and giving him something to focus on. He said that the busy work was good for him and he felt appreciated and it kept him from thinking just about the heavy things going on. I told him that was all him. And it was. I simply wanted to check on him and told him where I was. I didn't have some plan in mind. LOL.

But, it does make me feel good. I will admit that sometimes I don't mind talking about the MLC BS if it somehow helps. It crushed me to hear about his situation, because it makes me mad. But, maybe my experience will make it a bit easier for him to navigate.

As for my own needs. Being around the other creative people helped my own mindset. I was exhausted last night. Puppy has taken to hiding biscuits and rawhides. I found one under the sheets last night. I am not sure how or when she managed that, since I had just put fresh sheets on and the bed was all made up when I crawled in. LOL

The weather is stunning today. I am hoping it carries over this weekend. I know S's GF is taking the dog for a trail walk this afternoon and I am so incredibly jealous. Maybe this weekend I can get a long walk in as well. 

[MourningDove]

S arrived home safely early this morning. He is exhausted, as Xh pushed to drive the full way so they didn't have to stay at a hotel. When I had spoken to S midday yesterday, they still had 12 hours minimum to cover. Yes, I know they could take turns sleeping, but they traveled a full day to get home. I know S had expressed the desire to meander back home a bit and not push the whole way. S is now fast asleep trying to make up for the fractured sleep yesterday.

Before he nodded off he told me that my Toxic SIL's excuse with BIL 2 was that she didn't think he was home from his trip because he doesn't communicate. S found this rather funny. He said to me that to him that made no sense. Why not call his W and invite her, for one. And communication does work both ways. He told me it was a lame excuse, but one TSIL is sticking to.

Then he relayed the next thing that just had me smacking my head. I am not surprised but I am disgusted. It is just typical of TSIL. And in the past, Xh would have said something. He decided not to stir things up and walked away. S is not mad about it on one hand, because it is just material things, but he is disgusted with TSIL and sees it for what it is - typical behavior.

TSIL has suddenly become best buddies with the widow, who is lonely and the like. But, my jaded self when it comes to TSIL wondered what the angle was beyond just being the savior and favorite. I got my answer.

BIL's S did not want anything in the workshop and stated that years ago, as my nephew has no place for those types of things. BIL was very adamant that my S should have the workshop contents. S and Xh showed up to find TSIL was loading up her vehicle and had been going through the workshop. She was caught off guard it seems and said that S could pick out whatever he wanted even from her pile of things. When he mentioned something, she told him she always wanted one of those or this, etc. S told me he just dropped it and he was happy with the things he had, but felt this disgust with his aunt who just a few years prior had accused the same B of things and wanted nothing to do with him but now she was all invested. He saw it for what it was and has always been with TSIL which is what can she gain. TSIL has always been this way. It was probably one of the reasons I distanced myself very early on. She would push her own kids out of the way to be the first in line to get something as simple as an ice cream cone. She has always been all about what is in it for her and I got so I couldn't stand being around her for long periods of time, nor could Xh.

And, I am not upset about the material things either. It has never been about that. The thing that bothers me is S and BIL had a close relationship and those things meant something to S, as they had used many of those tools on their visits to build things. But, S is not upset about the loss of the "things". He is more disgusted with TSIL and his F not standing up for any of it, even when it came to the memorial service. He asked me why Xh hadn't called his B, to at least let him know. Nope, Xh stayed with his head firmly planted in the sand.

S's comment to me was he is not going to spend much time with TSIL from now on. He said he doesn't trust her motives or when she is nice. He said he now sees her as a user and that is the hardest part. He is disappointed to see the truth.

I was thinking this morning after hearing this and realized these things were always there. I recognized it in TSIL, and the FOO issues with most of them, but Xh was not in the mix with those siblings enough to affect him the same way. He used to talk things out, etc until he started to bottle things up and then wanted suddenly to be closer to his own family after his M died. I just put up with it for the times we were together.

And, I get it. Every family has their dynamic. Whether it is my own Toxic Aunt, etc.

I never was one to keep every little project the kids did or every card they signed, but I kept some of the best things over the years that make me smile. The contract D wrote up when she was four making Xh commit to making bacon a Saturday thing. The story S wrote about getting stuck in the runaway truck ramp during a snow storm with Xh when he was 11. Those things that were extra special.

Yesterday, I had come across collection of papers in a book that was from D when she was in about 4th grade. It made me tear up, TBH. D used to write lists of all the wonderful things about the people she loved. She had some funny things in there and one of things on her favorite things about me was that I always give back the kindness she and her B gave me. It made me smile.

Then I found the 10 things I love about you dad list. The thing is, every one of those items was in fact true about Xh back then. She recounted how that year she had ended up with a virus that made her sick and miss school for about 2 weeks. I was teaching and it was the end of the semester for me, so it was tough for me to just take time off. Xh worked from home so that D was taken care of and he would take time out of his work day to cook for her and help her with her homework. She talked about how he would take turns with me at night putting S and her to bed. How he would sit next to her and let her read to him. And on and on. And some of the things were funny. It just hit me a bit hard and I put the papers back in the book. D knows that I kept some of these things, but I know those are things that I don't want to somehow shove under her nose. When she is ready to look at them she can.

I was grateful the day was disrupted by a call. It was from one of the members of the gallery where I am dropping off my artwork this week. It was to invite me to join their painting group at any time. It is an invite only group and I was a bit shocked. The woman who contacted me, I had to laugh has connections at one of the universities D is thinking of doing her masters at. Funny how life works. I accepted to get emails from the group, but can't promise to make all of the outings, as it is a rather long drive to do regularly. That said, she mentioned some opportunities coming up that might just be worth my time. Hmmmmm.

[UrsaMajor]

Why am I not surprised about the drive back....

Or about TSIL....

Or that xH has his head firmly planted where the sun doesn't shine...

[MourningDove]

You know, UrsaMajor - I really wanted to be shocked once. To somehow think that perhaps there was a point where the insanity leveled out to at least say there was a baseline for normal. I am not sure where that baseline exists anymore. I do know, I am so grateful to have been dismissed from the role of in-law. Wow.

I try to not discuss Xh's family with the kids. If they bring it up, then fine, but aside from BIL 2 and SIL 2, who I do ask about, I try not to bring the others into the household conversation. It is part of trying to keep the house the one place where there is just our own form of drama. I don't want to somehow react to the shenanigans and make the kids feel they have to pick a side in the case of Xh. It has been a hard line in the sand I drew back when Xh and divorced. It has worked fairly well and it is not that the kids can't discuss things, nor has it been perfect. D has sometimes needed to spout off. I have tripped up and reacted, but for the most part I try to stick to my own promise not to demonize Xh or his family. I also know that the kids have started to see it more and more themselves and have figured out what boundaries they need to put in place.

That said, I decided to fill D in because it dawned on me, she might not have heard any of it and I didn't want her blindsided   if she wasn't aware of the new feud that is in fact now full on between BIL 2 and TSIL. I relayed what happened and D thanked me. Since D is insanely close to SIL 2 and BIL 2 and the fact that SIL 2 would have gone in a heartbeat even if BIL 2 hadn't been able to attend the memorial service.

This morning D called me and mentioned they have released another ticket for her to use for graduation. She right away said she wanted to ask my sister's H if he could come. I told her it is her graduation and she can invite anyone she wants. She was adamant she didn't want Xh there at all. She said he has not reached out since telling her on S's insistence that BIL 1 died. She said he has avoided her for weeks yet again, except when it is in a group text with BIL 2 and showing off.

I won't be telling D that I found out that Xh decided to play big man and look all generous by giving S's GF $1000 for the two weeks to watch his dog. I have no problem with him paying her whatever amount he wants, but I was doing some filing this morning and looking at the amount of tuition I have helped with for both kids, but primarily for D and there has never even been a single payment towards her education. But what got me a bit aggravated, and it will pass, because it doesn't matter in the end, but I came across all the bills for her high school when Xh was still taking the kids to dinners, etc. I have paid for most of her education expenses and all of her medical expenses. My parents paid for her senior trip in high school and I now recall the conversation there - Xh didn't feel she should even be able to go, as he was using it as a bargaining tool.

What it made me realize for myself is, I can look back and give myself a pat on the back for just doing what I said I would do and maybe forgive myself for sometimes being aggravated. I can now feel less guilt about wanting to do some things for myself.

That said, I am not breathing a word about how much Xh is giving S's GF. That would be so incredibly painful for D. And S knows - he voiced it, that Xh was showing off and trying to buy his place with S's GF. Thing is, S's GF has it figured out and is not happy with certain things. And it isn't about me somehow making sure the kids take sides. For me it is all so incredibly stupid and sad at the end of the day. But, I do know both kids are capable of putting up their own boundaries and I don't have to protect them in the same manner as I did at one point. I don't need to shelter them from the truth, but I also don't need to somehow tell them anything that somehow looks like I am trying to make Xh look worse. For one, he seems to have almost perfected that skill.

And, honestly today, I spent so little time thinking about any of the nonsense. I went to look at a cabinet for the bathroom and it turned out to be an absolute $h!te show in terms of how it turned out, but it was not all bad. My parents decided to ride along and they needed to get out of the house. We drove to a bakery and had breakfast and then met my sister at her house. I brought home a large area rug she wanted to get rid of that is practically brand new. I may use it or perhaps S. I have been meaning to make time to get that and just didn't have time. The ride home, I drove as both my parents were tired and they asked to be taken along the lake for the drive and then on backroads past their old stomping grounds. It sort of hijacked my day, but that is okay. They enjoyed themselves and it was a lovely drive with the sun and spring like air.

I will make up for the interruption by working later tonight and hopefully make some progress.

[UrsaMajor]

MLC'ers seem to have a need to play "Money Bags" with some people (or themselves too if the anecdotes here are any evidence) and to try to buy favor with people in their circles that they want to influence...

For some, (AD's etc.)  it might work but for anyone with three functional brain cells that can add 1+1 and come up with 2, it is clear that it is simply trying to buy influence or favor or make them (the Mid-Lifer) look good....

Were you able to make up for the long drive?

I ended up taking the day off yesterday for a couple of reasons, 1) to get my overtime balance down before it gets capped at the end of the month (I will loose about 2 weeks of time as it is... Don't ask what the balance was before.... and 2) to get stuff done that I didn't get done on Saturday because the lists got shuffled around because xW tested positive and, because the kids are not vaccinated (xW refuses), they couldn't come to us - they had to stay in quarantine until xW got a negative PCR test late Saturday afternoon (I did make up for it a bit by going out with D11 and practicing the way between the train station and her school so if she decides to stay with me more than a weekend, she knows how to get from the station to the school - about 5 minutes by bike) so the stuff I normally do on Saturday like food shopping got done yesterday.

In short, I feel your pain about the list getting longer faster than it gets shorter...

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor - I am just grateful Xh paid S's GF at all.

I had a hectic, full week last week and there were plenty of good things that occurred, but by the weekend, I was just worn out. So much so, that I found myself doing laundry and ironing for the latter part of Saturday and yesterday. I didn't leave the house at all the entire weekend, which was nice. Part of the time I had music on and just thought a bit about where I am in my life right now.

I have been thinking a great deal about how I find myself changing a bit in my needs and wants. That is, I think that when Xh left, it created this strange void in my life. He was the one I shared my day with for a long time. I had friends that I talked to, but I have never been one to need a ton of people in my life. It is not like being a hermit. I genuinely love meeting interesting people and I really loved being around my students. But when it comes to social circles, I never was the young woman who had any interest in joining a sorority for instance. I was pretty content having a few very close friends. And I didn't isolate myself, that isn't it.

It is that when it comes to my innermost thoughts and just sharing my life, I don't do it with just anyone nor do I want to get together with a group of women and talk for hours on end. I won't criticize anyone that does. I just know it is not me.

For a long time, I was focused on my kids almost exclusively when it came to getting through this whole MLC mess. I wanted my own social life and the like, but it was not easy balancing any of it. I was also just trying get the rest of life to level out. And it isn't that I am somehow done with those aspects, but the kids are moving on and life seems to be slowing down a bit. The change for me is making me realize that there was a time in the whole MLC mess and beyond that I had a need to throw out those thoughts in my head and express them somehow. I didn't have a place to really do that in RL at the time. The kids and I talked, but sometimes I just wanted to have a different type of conversation and it wasn't happening. The desire to share different types of moments with someone else just wasn't an option. Sure, discussions happened with others and that was fine. That was perhaps more social and not to dismiss those moments. But sharing some of my innermost thoughts, seemed to tumble out on paper instead.

What I realized this weekend was that I find myself wanting to do that less and less now. I am pulling myself inward a bit. Yet, it is different than somehow putting up walls. It is wanting to guard my day more and perhaps only share it with a smaller circle. Those in that innermost ring. And there aren't many in that loop. It is not a protective response, but more a shift for me in that I feel this contentment and comfort that I haven't in a long time. There is this strange desire to just only allow certain people access to that part of my life because of how I am wired. It is not a new thing. I was like this in college and very happy. I was that way with Xh before the insanity.

It is not that I won't journal or in RL go out with friends. But it is a definite shift in wanting to only share certain things with certain people.

Yet, there is also a very other real thing that is also in play. The things I miss are coming to the surface in being able to share those moments. It is something I need to learn to adjust to in that my reality is that I am alone some times and it means not sharing some moments.

This all came about when I came back from delivering a painting for an exhibit. The opening reception is later this month and I am planning on going. In the past, when I have gone to art openings that feature other artists, I have not had a problem going alone. When it comes to my own work, I can't think of any time when I didn't have someone with me. My family always was around, whether it was one of the kids when Xh and S were traveling. My parents have shown up. My sister. Someone was always with me. This time, life has thrown me a complete curve and I didn't realize how odd it feels. My sister will be on vacation and out of the area. D is in her home stretch of her classes at that point and coming up on final exams. S can't take time off from work to make the trip since he went with Xh for the 2 weeks. My parents are also booked. But, I not only feel I need to go, I want to go. And, I can go alone, but it is still an odd feeling that has settled.

What I am still trying to figure out is the travel aspect. I am not looking forward to driving that distance home by myself late at night, which might surprise some people. So that almost begs staying overnight. That has my M in knots about me going alone as a single woman.  And, if I stay over night I am of the mind that it just screams I should stay and actually have a mini vacation, because it is a great opportunity for that.

The particulars of the trip really aren't even what got me thinking. That will work out somehow and it will be fine. It is more that it struck me that it would be really easy for me to find someone to go with me so I am not alone. What struck me like a brick wall was I don't want to ask just anyone and share this moment. For one, I don't really like being in any spotlight but I know that I have to make an appearance for my own good. It is a moment for me that I will put on my "social persona" but I will be without that comfort of knowing someone else is there to just know that under that outward appearance there are still parts of that shy side of me wanting to find the nearest exit. I have time to work out a solution for myself. I know it means going on my own at this point and I am just going to unearth that part of me that sometimes embraces things with reckless abandon.

[UrsaMajor]

I am just going to unearth that part of me that sometimes embraces things with reckless abandon.

I like the sound of that.... lots...

[MourningDove]

I had a fleeting thought about Xh this morning. It was prompted by a song that came on the radio. It was the one song he would sing softly in my ear when it came on and hold me tight. It used to annoy the kids when they were little. They would employ the eye roll and go "eeeuuuwwww" when they were in their middle school years. I didn't change the station or get upset and found myself simply thinking a bit.

I think what struck me this morning is how it didn't have me sobbing or tearing up. I didn't find myself curled up in a ball nor was I aggravated. It was odd in that it was not bringing memories flooding back in either. It was a song that brought up a moment in time. Nothing more.

What really surprised me more than that reaction was that my mind travelled to other things. Things like moments I would like to share with someone else.

It is not a new thought, TBH, but now, it seems more attainable. I know my kids will always be in my life and need me, but the change has been so evident the past few weeks in particular. S and GF were out the door early today to go work on the house. They are all doing some renovating on C's house before all of them moving in, but it is happening. S and GF were gone most of yesterday. D was at college doing research. I have been alone most of this past week, TBH.

The solitude is strange. On one hand, I don't mind the quiet at times. I miss the kids at times, but I will admit that being freed from some of the day to day "only parent" bit is bringing me more calm. It means being able to focus on myself more or even things like the projects around the house or my own endeavors.

I am pushing through some of these fears of accomplishing things on my own. I do find that sometimes those feelings of doubt that Xh pounded into my head resurface in moments where I am afraid. It is residual from the months of gaslighting. I still find those pesky thoughts resurface and they now just catch me off guard. I have to slap them away like a mosquito buzzing around.

[MadLuv]

MD,
I had one of those song moments this week. Kind of a double one, relating to XH and D14. I have to say D14 song made my stomach drop and that has only started again since XH left. Surprisingly, the one connected to XH made me just feel a bit numb. Like a moment in another life. Very strange indeed 🤔

[UrsaMajor]

swat away



and if that doesn't work.... use Raid!


There were a few songs that I could absolutely NOT hear for a LONG time after ABD and xW's D but now, it is more like, "OK, whatever. It is that song again." but there are no tears or changing the channel or pushing fast forward to skip or whatever...

[MourningDove]

I go from "feast to famine to feast" it seems in terms of my work load. It is not horrible, but maybe a little bit of a shock to the system after being on what seems like a sabbatical I didn't plan on the past couple of years. Last week I was going non-stop and it will be like that for me for the next couple of weeks. Yet, somehow I am getting other things done as well, and have energy left. Go figure. 

I took time yesterday to walk 6.5 miles with my sister during the afternoon. I needed the distraction and mental recharge. I have been pushing myself physically and I don't know if it is the spring-like weather or a combination of things.

We will see if the surge of energy continues. I might hit a wall later today and not want to get out of bed tomorrow morning. LOL.

[JohnnyBravo]

Last week I was going non-stop and it will be like that for me for the next couple of weeks. Yet, somehow I am getting other things done as well, and have energy left. Go figure. 

I'm sure that once you build momentum, it's easier to just keep going and get things done. That's how it goes for me, although I have so many projects and am easily distracted by them (squirrel!), i still get a lot done but seldom the thing I set out to do in the first place... 

And as they say, "If you want something done, ask a busy person."

[MadLuv]

I don’t know if anyone else feels this way, but projects that I would normally jump into I had no desire to. Home improvement projects weee for the life we were building and the future and then for a long bit it seemed what is the point? I went through it after my daughters death, so I all to familiar with it being tied to grief and loss and confusion on the future. When I get out of that funk however the more I do the more I want to do and my energy does increase. It’s craY!!

[MourningDove]

MadLuv - stress zaps us of so much more than just energy. For me, keeping busy on projects and being creative is how I am hardwired, so I had to find my way back by pushing myself to do things. There were times I just organized my art room to simply push myself to be in the space. It is not easy to pull yourself out of that area of grief and feeling uninspired or drained.

JohnnyBravo - I think I know that "squirrel". It makes the rounds here too. 

This week has been one of those weeks where I have had a solid plan that I mapped out for myself to accomplish things and I was doing really well on Monday. Tuesday, others and the universe decided clearly I needed to be challenged with some obstacles. I will admit I am not dealing with any of them particularly well. It is in part because I made myself a promise to be okay with saying "no" and being okay with being what some would deem selfish. And by some, I mean namely myself. I have such a hard time now looking out for my own needs.

This is not necessarily a new problem for me. I have often struggled to find the balance between throwing myself into my work or projects that are not about my own "needs". When Xh and I were together though, I had some relief in that he would pitch in or wouldn't make me feel guilty about needing time to go for a walk or to create. He encouraged it and I did with him. That all changed when FIL moved in and MLC set in. I saw that if I didn't step up, the kids were going to be just twisting in the wind completely if I didn't pick up the slack. The problem is, when Xh left it became much worse. Yes, my kids were older, but just having to run D to PT constantly was a drain. And, don't get me wrong, I am grateful I was able to find jobs to be flexible and I could make these things happen. I am grateful to have had my kids. But, I am freaking worn out.

I had come to the reality that my kids are not needing me in the same way and I was being given time for myself now. That is still true, but maybe I deluded myself a bit into thinking it was somehow going to be seamless. Ha. That is not the case at all. I hadn't factored in life throwing in monkey wrenches and I am angry with myself at the moment for somehow buying into expectations I set up for myself.

Monday, the first day in my well thought out week - that is the type of week that had a logical plan laid out with time built in for myself, while still making time for others started out really well. I had taken care of about 6 items on that have been on my to do list for months. Stupid things like getting rid of a box of electronics that have I had been accumulating to take to the recycling center. I had my list for Monday all accomplished by noon because of my well thought out approach and met my sister afterwards for an impromptu walk. We were able to walk our usual 6.5 miles.

On my way home from my walk, I had stopped to exchange a lawn chair that had a lifetime warranty that has needed exchanged since the pandemic hit. When I went into the store the young man at the counter said that I should bring the other one in as well since they have had problems with the chairs and I could get new ones. I have had them for a long time, so I figured why not. Why this even matters is because I altered my plans for Tuesday and it was going to mean borrowing my F's truck and on Monday it made perfect sense in terms of where I was going to be and the weather was going to be perfect, etc. I was looking forward to getting the chairs to put back out on the back deck so that I could enjoy the lovely weather. And, I told both kids about the plan and I wouldn't be home for dinner. No one complained then. 

Tuesday, I also had the rest of the week neatly packaged in my mind. Silly me. And, while I am one who can easily roll with things, the way things unfolded and felt like life was spinning out of control really threw me completely off. The whole day became chaotic and then what should have been good news actually stressed me out and I let it bubble over in that I panicked, which is not like me, but I felt my idea of a weekend to myself slipping away. I tried to corral it and come up with a solution on the fly when it really didn't need to be solved.

I found out that the gallery owner featured some of my work on the website for the upcoming exhibit. That reception is now the day after the other opening. I found myself thinking that I needed to make an appearance at both because professionally it makes sense. But, life is about choices and I seemed to forget that in the moment. Instead, I had myself laying out this insane plan to try and make it all happen. I can do that and have. But it is not what I need right now and that is what I failed to grasp in that time. Instead of coming up with a solution that brought me some sort of comfort and sanity, I felt more stress laying on.

I was on my way out the door to go to exchange the chairs when D called. She is nearing the end of her semester and is technically "graduating" but staying on an extra semester to do research. Because she is staying that extra semester I forget that she is really having that senior stress moment with the final few weeks approaching. She was home and the dog was being a monster with the spring weather. The dog can't help it as she needs attention right now and to be run. But, D's needs were to have quiet to work on a major presentation. I was almost ready to come home and ditch my plans. Something made me stop myself though. I called S and told him he, his GF and C needed to solve the problem for the night. I got some resistance because they had plans and I put my foot down and said I was not going to swoop in and save the night, as it is not my responsibility nor D's. That went over like a ton of bricks, and I felt bad but I told myself I needed to not sacrifice every time and they needed to figure it out. I had to tell myself "not my problem".

When I came home, they had worked it out but S asked if I could make sure I was available Wednesday night to take care of the dog so that they could work on the house. I felt somewhat better since I was asked and agreed I would.

What still was hovering was this issue with that weekend with now 2 openings. I was not loving the solution I had of driving the long distance, staying over and then turning around the next day to be at the other. When I spoke to a friend of mine, I explained to her that I was worried about the professional aspect. She made me step back and asked me a couple of very straight forward questions. One was, if I had to choose one, which one would I go to. That was easy. The one that requires travel. She made me explain why in terms of professionally- and not because I needed to somehow justify it to her. I realize she was trying to get me to see that I knew the answer. I have a rapport with the owner and have an established reputation there. Missing that reception isn't as big of a deal. This other is a new venue and a bigger opportunity.

Then she hit me with what in reality was the more important question when it came down to it. She asked me what I really wanted and needed. I need to get away and I have been looking forward to this for weeks now. If someone goes with me or not was not the original issue. I was planning on going in spite of the pressure from others that I shouldn't go alone.

What probably upset me the most is I had asked someone to go along and I then threw in this insane plan of mine into the mix and tried to get them to buy into it too. LOL. I then rethought it and after the discussion with my friend I realized she was right. She laughed and said I would have come to that same conclusion but she simply pushed it quicker. So, I am going to stick to my original plan and took that entire Friday off to meander up to the event and go from there.

Yesterday morning, I was back on track for the bulk of the day. That is until the afternoon struck and I came home to find D wired and on edge. She had reason to be due to her professor throwing her a last minute curveball. It lead to an argument between she and I. In essence it was about her needing quiet for her project and the dog was being difficult. S was not home but was grouchy. The dog was insane with energy. The phone kept ringing. My M needing me to help her with something. Yup, will be right there to address that. My toxic aunt who D accidentally picked up the phone thinking it was someone else. She handed the phone over to me and I was ready to just scream. Then my sister called me and out of nowhere asks me about what should we do for our parent's 60th wedding anniversary. I bit her head off and said I couldn't deal with that right now and I appreciated her being on top of it, but since it is over 18 months away, could we table that for another night. Furthermore, they aren't going to want a big party and would no doubt like a similar thing to what we did for their 50th, which was easy to plan and took 3 months, not 18.

I finally took the dog out and played with her for 2 hours. Maybe it is what I needed. IDK. It was not necessarily relaxing but it cleared my head some.

I am having a hard time I realized in that I am not entirely sure what being MD really looks like at this stage. That is, when it is okay for me to be selfish and say no to others. I thought it would be easier. Sigh.

[MadLuv]

That was a lot in a short tome. I can see why you lost it a bit. It’s crazy how that can happen. Exit to the left and a dog walk would have been my go to with some music in my ears. Sometimes the insanity is overload.

I have adjusted to the “Always being the reliable one” the “yea no matter what person” I decided if I want to be treated better I had to change the narrative with everyone, not just my XH. My kids are old enough. They can do for themselves and I realized that If I do leas then I dont feel as hurt when I dont get it back in return. That in fact I had expectations on the fact I was the yes woman, but they were never showing that in return. I feel Much more calm now. I think it will only improve all our relationships

[UrsaMajor]

I am having a hard time I realized in that I am not entirely sure what being MD really looks like at this stage. That is, when it is okay for me to be selfish and say no to others. I thought it would be easier. Sigh.

Isn't THAT the truth..... Saying "no" is not something that I think a lot of us LBS's have much experience or practice in... Taking time for what WE want or need has very often been WAY down on the priority list so, when it becomes an option (or even a need for our own mental health) it can be very hard to actually DO.

[MourningDove]

MadLuv - in the past, I would have taken my dog out for a walk. This dog is not one for a relaxing walk. She is too high energy. She needs 90-120 minutes of high activity every day minimum. (I just was reading up on her breed some more last night - LOL). Her idea of a walk is not relaxing. Man, I miss my lab no matter how cute this one is at times. 

UrsaMajor - I will admit saying "no" has never been easy for me when it comes to helping out or pitching in. I am learning, although sometimes rather slowly. LOL

I am on a stretch of putting in more time at the gallery over the next few weeks. It is a busy time of year and it is just Miss Management and myself due to some staffing issues. People out on vacation or just not showing up -  Hanging the next exhibit is going to be a bit of a hassle and I am not entirely sure how I am going to manage it all. Somehow I will figure out what needs to happen and get it done.

Last night, I had a phone call from someone I haven't heard from in a long time. They phrased it as "I was alone and bored so I thought I would call you". Now, I don't offend easily and had it been my one friend, I would have laughed because I know that they don't just call me when they are bored. In this case, this person says this often and means it. I hear from them sporadically and it is either because they have nothing else going on or they need help from me. Beyond that - it is crickets for months.

We chatted for a bit, but when I hung up I realized that there is this change in me since MLC knocked on my door. I no longer have the same level of patience for being "optional" or some back up plan. I am finding myself distancing myself more and more from these types of relationships. I am not investing time in reaching out to these people in the same manner. I used to be the one checking in on them. I am not about being unkind from here on out, but I am not putting my energy chasing them only to feel like I am simply there when they are "bored".

And I think this translates to why I can't find myself in a compartmentalized relationship with someone on a romantic level either. It doesn't work for me. I don't need to be a priority all the time, that isn't it. For one, that is not realistic as we all have other people in our lives or events and interests and obligations that sometimes take front stage.

This thought only came to the surface after another friend mentioned how they are so content in their single life and having a person who is just basically there to meet their physical needs. It works for them. To each their own. They were trying to convince me that I should consider that option since it would give me freedom to do whatever I want and not answer to anyone.

On a certain level I see what they find appealing, but that is definitely not me. For one, I am not wired to detach that way.

I tried to explain what I need from relationships and that includes my friends. I need to feel like I am valued and more than an afterthought or like some understudy. I don't need to be a priority all the time, but if I am honest with myself, I know that I crave that type of relationship where sometimes I am thought of and missed.

I think what made me really think about it more was something another friend shared with me about last night. Her BF had sent her a text on his way home to let her know he was running a bit late because he was going to pick up something. He hand't told her what and he had come through the door with one of her favorite desserts, just because. He said he wanted to do something small for her. She laughed saying she was just over the moon and it was such a silly thing. But I understood. It wasn't the gift. It was that he thought of her during his day. And they have been on a weird stretch where their work schedules just haven't meshed well.

I realize at this point in my life and in my situation that what I once thought was a normal relationship - that is I was at one time, happily married and had a person who I woke up next to each morning - is not necessarily going to ever happen in that same manner. I have no idea what the future holds and maybe on one level I have accepted certain things might never happen, I still crave that aspect of at least being someone else's someone special.

I do know perhaps last night that "I called because I was bored" greeting really made me want to just be treated differently. I have decided not to make extra efforts to check on this person. It is not that I don't care what happens to them, but I realized they take more than they have ever given back and it is not a matter of keeping score. It is simply that they seem to dip into my "bucket" when it suits them and I have always been there when they need me. It has rarely been reciprocated and only when it suits them. That is not working for me any longer. They just moved out of the circle they were once in and have been put in the more outer rings. Maybe they will get an occasional birthday card or Christmas greeting. And next time they are "bored" I may just be busy - washing my hair. 

[MourningDove]

Funny how something can push you to make a definite decision. This was not reactive, more a confirmation of when it is okay for me to walk away or to say no to something.

I had a horribly busy day at the gallery today. Not in terms of sales, but in terms of phone calls about classes and workshops coming up. Some signups etc. I had non stop visitors and artists that had shown up unannounced, etc. It was not where I was slammed per se, but I didn't get any real down time.

Miss Management had asked me to try and complete something and I said I would do my best. The general rule of thumb is paperwork can be done later, and it is our customers that should come first because that is what generates sales or people signing up for classes, which is how the gallery makes most of the consistent money.

I had already had a debate with Miss Management yesterday about the form she had designed. She is such a control freak about everything and was making extra work for herself and for me, because she felt copying a file every time for a new artist made sense. I had said to her that I could create a template and have about 40 pages set up and edited in half an hour. It is the same method I used to build a 326 page cookbook and that was way more complex, but hey, what do I know especially since I not only designed those types of forms for clients and have taught computer graphics for IDK like forever  . But, she never wants to admit she doesn't know something and her way is always better. The other staff and I usually just roll with it because at the end of the day it is not worth being forceful about it. For most of us we just let her do her thing and enjoy our own part of the job.

The other nugget to that whole aspect is that when we have made suggestions or changes, or even fixed say errors she makes, she can't stand it and redoes all the work anyways. So, it is really a waste of energy.

The problem is the owner is just now truly seeing things the way they have been for a long time. She is now understanding why the staff turn over in the past 5 years is more than the prior 15 years combined. And when it comes to myself and the other coworker, we have known the owner for a much longer time frame. The owner knows that I may get angry at home and spout off, but at work I don't lose my cool - ever and certainly not in public. It was always a joke with my students over the years that if I ever got upset at school what had someone done to set me off because it had to be bad. I have only ever had one or two times where I have shocked students by raising my voice and for good reason.

I was unable to accomplish this ridiculous set of forms she had in mind but I have to work tomorrow anyways, so I should be able to go in early and finalize them. They don't need done until later in the month technically anyways. But - she doesn't see it that way.

I don't mind if somehow she is upset with me and perhaps wanted to know what went on today that held things up. What I don't appreciate are 2 things. One being called after being there all day long and well into my evening and two out gate being attacked. She asked if I had gotten them done today. I told her that we had an insane amount of traffic and her response was it was dead all week and today couldn't have been busy. Hmmmm- sure okay. So, she asked and I recounted what went on and the thing is, she is notorious for ignoring customers to do what she thinks needs done. I wasn't obstinate and said I would address it tomorrow and get it done. She flipped out on me and started screaming at me on the phone. I was in shock. When I said I was not going to be spoken to that way because it was not warranted, she hung up on me.

At the time, I was at my parent's house having had dinner with them and I had left the room when she called. My M has horrible hearing but could hear Miss Management screaming from the other room and I didn't have it on speaker phone. When I got off the phone my M said she thought I was kidding when I said I hadn't encountered that behavior directly but she has these meltdowns with other staff.

I have since sent an email to her and copied the owner in. I have very clearly stated that from here on out, I will not be answering the phone nor texts from the manager after hours. If she has any business to conduct with me in regards to hours etc she can email me or leave me a message, but her conduct was not only unprofessional but something that was frankly abusive.

What Miss Management doesn't know is she just gave me my answer to a couple of things. This is not new behavior from her. It is why artists won't come in when she is there. It is why others have left. I was at a job interview yesterday afternoon and it is looking like it is very possible I will be offered the job. I won't quit the gallery entirely, but she just made my decision to cut my hours way back very easy and my hesitation was because we are already dealing with staff shortages. My coworker comes back in another couple of weeks but she and I are really the only reliable staff. We have both said we won't put up with this $h!te from her since it is not how you manage for one.

What really pushed my buttons is her behavior was so similar to Xh's MLC monster.

When I came home, I decided that I really am not going to that opening at the gallery now. I have no desire to spend any time with her in public and play nice. I will limit my interactions with her. Stupid woman. I was willing to come in extra hours and help her out because I felt a bit bad for her. Instead, it made my decision to take time for myself and I booked my hotel for the other opening. It made that a whole lot easier to let go of feeling like I somehow owed it to anyone to be there.

And, that is not to say I am sacrificing my own professional aspect or avoiding her per se. I am just not going to deal with her when I don't have to because I am angry enough with her now that my very stubborn side has kicked in. That side is not often seen. This was not just a she had one in sideways behavior. This was she was out and out nasty and I am officially in the "don't firetruck with me mode" when it comes to her. She will get nothing extra from me that benefits her in some way. I will do my job and do it well. I will not change my behavior with the clients or students, who always comment how I am always smiling and friendly. I will behave professionally, but beyond that - hmmmm, when she needs coverage to go away. Nope. Ask someone else. Things like me coming in to help her yesterday for 2 hours out of my day because I knew she was overwhelmed. No longer an option. She crossed one line too many.

I am going to plan out my trip and she is now going to be really sweating because I know she figured I would be there and would pitch in even though I would not be getting paid. Sorry - I will be out of the area.

Maybe it is what I needed to push myself to actually book that hotel room. And strangely, my M after hearing that whole encounter seemed to get why I need time away. Maybe I should thank Miss Management she actually has made me feel a bit of weight lifted off of my shoulders in regards to my weird guilt.

[Reinventing]

MD, I wonder if you'd be interested in UX courses at Nielsen and Norman for being involved in teaching new UX certificates and programs that are popping up at colleges and universities. Also, for lots of jobs popping up.

Seems like you'd be really good at it.

BTW, I'm not affiliated with that training in any way, just know that that talent is being sought out.

[forthetrees]

That anecdote reminds me of a story that pulls from the Tao of thanking people who do that kind of behavior because it reminds us of how NOT to treat people. I am continually astounded that adults can and will go off on others in a way that is completely out of bounds. Maybe humans just have a very narrow bandwidth of "good" behavior. Sigh. This pandemic seems to bring out the worst in those predisposed to ill behavior. Their veneer of civility has worn away and now we see if what is underneath is true gold or a cheap alloy.

[MourningDove]

Reinventing - I hadn't ever considered that as an option. Interesting thought. I will have to research that as a possibility. I certainly have the background that could work. Hmmmm. Thank you. 

forthetrees - I shouldn't have been shocked, because it is no secret that Miss Management is not good at hiding these behaviors from people other than the owner, etc. It is one of those things that I have witnessed over the years where she is able to maintain this appearance of being on top of things with people she can gain something from. When she slips up they excuse it because she is good at playing victim and has no compassion for anyone else whatsoever. I have often wondered if it is arrogance or insecurities that make her behave the way she does. I have my suspicions.  I don't like upsetting people as it is and when I hurt someone unintentionally it bothers me. I know it is not how I want to treat people.

Luckily, I don't have to interact with her very often and I know she usually knows better than to push me too far. For one, my coworkers have all noted even though I don't run around somehow talking about my background and my professional life before the gallery, I know a lot of people and I have learned a great deal. She is threatened by me is my coworkers' assessment which makes them laugh because I treat everyone equally. They have seen me treat a celebrity with the same respect I treat someone who is a custodian. I am all about character not title. And, I know you never know about people.

A few years ago Miss Management was making some comment about the homeless woman that always comes in to look around. I was there with an artist and we both started laughing because we said she should really be very nice to that woman and not to let her appearance fool her. That woman is an heiress and is a huge art collector who is just really eccentric.

I had to work again today and when I woke up this morning I was wide awake hours before I actually had to get up. I felt sick to my stomach and know it was nerves from yesterday's interaction. I rolled over and cried. When I had come home last night, I called my friend and she talked to me about this whole mess, but what I really needed was to be given a hug. All I wanted this morning was to have someone roll over and hold me while I cried. Instead, I pushed myself to get up and pull myself together. I walked into the gallery and wanted to just leave the door locked and tell everyone to go away. I pushed myself to change my mood and I usually love being in that space, even on the toughest days. I had to tell myself I wasn't going to let her ruin it for me.

She left me a note. She was "nice" but had to point out that her forms only took her 2 hours to do. I sort of laughed to myself. Yah, I could have solved that even quicker than that if she had let me do it in a more efficient manner, but what was more amusing to me was I looked at her forms and her spread sheet. Full of mistakes - the type that will bite her in the butt. Normally, I would have helped her by proofing them, but I put them in to the pile and worked on figuring out the next exhibit which is really what needs focused on more than stupid forms that are not going to sell work at all.

Maybe the universe heard me. IDK. A couple of artists came in that had work to drop off. People who I love seeing. Their work is fantastic and they are just good people. It set the tone for the whole day. At one point someone else came in that will be joining the business. It was then that I realized Miss Management has been telling me all sorts of lies, which I surmised. She has this habit of saying things like "the owner wants this or that" and these things have a way of just coming to light in the most innocent of ways.

And then just when I was sort of feeling better, I really had a moment where all of the stress fell away. Two of my favorite people came through the door. They weren't together, but seeing them on any day just makes me smile. Both are in their 80's. One is a very active artist and she and I talked about this exhibit where I am going to have to travel. She has been part of that organization for years. She was so excited I had put work in that space. She had all sorts of great advice.

The other was a customer who comes in regularly. He is a former marathon runner who still runs, but doesn't race anymore. He is 88. He came through the door and I always get a hug from him. He gushes about his wife and I was asking him if he had been out golfing yet and when was his convertible coming out of the garage. He started laughing and told me that he drives it in cold weather. He said there is nothing like rolling up the side windows, cranking up the heat and putting on the heated seats and driving with the top down at 70 miles an hour because the snow just blows off, although the police don't really accept that as an excuse for speeding. LOL. He said he knows, it sounds crazy and I told him no, I have been known to open my sun roof and the windows in cold weather with the heat on and let the cold air just rush in. There is something about the fresh air that time of year.

The day was incredibly busy, and when I was brought a piece that was huge and very different, the person said to me that they realized it was going to be difficult to integrate. I paused and said to give me a minute and I brought over a couple of other pieces that made he and his W look at me like I was crazy. Yah - totally different genre, but there were other things in these pieces that didn't fight with the piece they brought in and it didn't take away from the other pieces either. They could coexist next to one another very easily. They both laughed and were shocked by my solution, but it really worked well.

I needed that today after last night. It had nothing to do with their reaction, TBH. Last night, Miss Management stirred those old feelings that sometimes surface. It brought on a bit of a trigger and I knew better but the feelings of not being good enough or questioning my capabilities came rolling in just enough to wear me down. It was like the MLC monster knocking on my door again. And, that stubbornness that has settled in with Miss Management is here to stay. I won't let her push me around and I know my own truth. People don't come in the gallery looking forward to seeing her. People don't ask for her expertise. They don't bounce ideas off of her or have conversations, etc. She doesn't get invites, as I did today to come and see someone's studio - somewhere she is dying to go. I didn't somehow push for an invite, it was just brought up because I was genuinely enthusiastic about the work this person is now doing.

I have plenty of flaws - physical and otherwise. I know I can have a temper when pushed. I know I can be stubborn. I know I can make huge mistakes. I know all sorts of things about myself. When the triggers creep up these are the things that I am so quickly reminded of. I have never been one to build myself up and in part it was always because I worked on being a better person and just was confident and comfortable in my own skin. I knew who I was. It is only in these moments where the triggers creep in that I find myself having to remind myself of my good points because it is too easy to fall victim to the MLCer's months and months of gaslighting. I am not comfortable building myself up so it is a weird place to find myself. Today, I was given a bit of help in that arena.

I am going to enjoy my next couple of days away from Miss M and going to prepare for the upcoming few days where I will be scrambling to put together the next exhibit. I have already decided since she has me just scheduled for "hours" during times the gallery isn't technically open, I may go in nights when she won't be there at all and work like the elves in "The Elves and the Shoemaker", but I won't be running around naked like in the story. I am just going to go in and avoid her - LOL.

It will be a definite challenge and I am now determined to quietly put Miss M in her place and kick the $h!te out of this exhibit set up. Game on. She had best stay out of my way.

[UrsaMajor]

Hades Bus, First Class seat for one please....

How about taking the forms and doing a "teacher" on them... you know, red pen for each error/mistake... and a "-1" next to each one with a total at the end.... and then a copy to the owner...



I hope the owner has a backup plan to keep the gallery open once Ms. Management manages to drive all the clients, students, and artists away....

[MourningDove]

How about taking the forms and doing a "teacher" on them... you know, red pen for each error/mistake... and a "-1" next to each one with a total at the end.... and then a copy to the owner...

UrsaMajor - LOL - you are putting ideas in my head that really sound very tempting. I wish it were that simple. Sigh.

My plan is to try and focus on what I do and do it well at the gallery. We will see how things unfold.

Today, I am going to take advantage of the warm, sunny weather and get a walk in before coming home and addressing some projects I was not able to complete because of the "Beastly Baby" - aka the dog. She was very busy all weekend and I had shoes to protect. LOL

[MourningDove]

It has been a busy couple of days, and full of some rather odd things. Nothing bad - just moments that have made me pause.

My connection to mourning doves started early on in MLC. There was one that would appear every morning when I would take my dog out for a walk. At first it was just a bird on the wire across from my house. But, I noticed this particular bird would be outside on that wire every time I was outside and would not move. It started to bring me a sense of peace. Maybe not so much a sign, but I could count on that one little bird being there like a normal part of my day when the rest of the world was swirling about and out of control. It brought me an immense sense of calm.

I don't know if it was the same bird over the years of MLC, but there has been a mourning dove on that wire every morning. I have never fed it or somehow lured it here. It is just always nearby. The tell tale coo greets me each day. Yesterday, S sent me a picture he had taken when he left to go work on the house and it was fairly early. I was just getting up. He said it was the strangest thing, but he walked right by it and it never moved and just looked at him. This time though, it was sitting on the roof of my car. He said it didn't even fly away when he started his car. It sat on my car, just patiently waiting for whatever it was waiting for.

I met my sister today for a walk. She is getting ready to go on a nearly 2 week vacation with her family and this is probably the last time she and I will be able to see each other before she leaves. It was beautiful out and I had errands to run in area anyways.

I had shown her the picture S sent. The dove clearly wasn't hurt and the sun wasn't out so it wasn't sitting in a pool of sunlight, nor had I been anywhere that the car would have been warm. It was just hanging out. We sort of laughed and thought it was just a very odd thing. As we were laughing we noticed the pathway was extremely busy today with different people.

We encountered a couple of families with several kids in tow. One little kid was pulling out grass from the lawn and eating it. The mother just giggled. We realized it was the youngest of the 5 kids, with the oldest not much older than 5 or 6. We both wondered if she was that casual with all of her kids or if like many new parents she might have been very strict with the first one and by the time this one arrived, she is more carefree. IDK, I just know I was easy going, but the idea of my kid eating grass along a trail where there are geese and people walk their dogs was pretty unappetizing at the very least.

We were then met by a man on a bike who wanted to give us religious pamphlets. That was a new one. Considering my last interaction with a person spreading the word of God was receiving that letter, I honestly didn't want to interact with this person. I graciously thanked him and said I am very aware of the significance of this coming Sunday and continued to walk.

Someone who passed by with their dog fully dressed up in a tutu. We both looked and wondered what was going on. We sometimes see some odd things here and there, but this was starting to turn into a "what next" walk.

Just as we expressed that thought, there was a man ahead of us that was sitting incredibly high up and we determined it was a unicycle. We both bit our lip trying not to laugh when we got closer and saw he had 5 bowling pins in his hand and just as we were coming up on his he started to practice his juggling. Hey, we both gave him a great deal of credit for being able to manage that feat, but must admit it made for a very entertaining walk.

When I came home, I was in a really good place in terms of being relaxed. I needed to be prepared for the next couple of weeks. I am busy for the next week almost straight with work and other commitments. D needs me to go with her on Thursday to pick out a dress for her graduation. She mentioned she would like to take me out for my birthday, which is at the end of the month, but she will be in the midst of exams and getting ready for graduation and helping her BF move out of college for the semester the weekend of my birthday, which is fine with me.

TBH, I am looking forward to having a quiet birthday weekend and considering going to see a white water race event I haven't gone to in years. While I have the exhibit the weekend before and will have some time away, I am still ironing that trip out. My birthday weekend honestly, I would really like to be a weekend where I have nothing actually on the books that requires me to do anything specific - that is in terms of events or appointments, etc. More of a whatever strikes me as fun to do. It might just be sitting on my back deck in my new chairs and having a fire in the fire pit. IDK.

[UrsaMajor]

Sounds to me like a good Birthday present to give yourself - permission to do what you want for the day....

As for the bird, I had to re-read the part about it sitting on your car roof as, on the first read-through, I thought you wrote something different that rhymed with "sitting" and was thinking that the automatic "no swearing" script must have malfunctioned... 

The warm weather and the sunshine brings out the weird in people, doesn't it... I mean, eating grass where dogs and geese do their business?  I mean, the Germans have a saying that, translated, says "dirt cleans the stomach" as in dirt NOT meaning "earth" but ... well ... dirt! Scunge and so on... I don't however, think that is what they have in mind....

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor - yes, the dove was sitting as in perched or seated. That was not a typo on my part. LOL.

As for the kid - I was a mom that let her kids play in mud puddles. I am sure they ingested dirt and the like. LOL. I am not an eeuuw girl at all, but I will admit this was right off of the path and not deep in someone's yard. It is the part of the path where the geese hang out. The part of the path that the dog owners use as a place to, well, "curb" their dog.  And some of the home owners in this particular area are known to spray their yards with chemicals for "lush green lawns" without dandelions. So many reasons to bring a different snack on the walk for the kids. I used to carry things like bubbles for the kids to blow on walks. Something that kept them from doing those types of things. But, not my kid and I guess if I think on the positive side of things, it was nice to see families out walking with their kids and at least engaged.

Today, by sheer chance I was greeted by someone else I respect immensely as an artist. He came in to drop off new work. I always enjoy asking him about his work because he spends so much time in nature and hiking, etc. He spends a great deal of time in the region where I am going to show my work. He also suggested another place I should look into that is close by.  I asked him about a particular picture with stars in the sky. He invited me to come to an event. He heads an amateur astronomy group. Now, before people ask - he is very happily married, but now I am pretty convinced he is trying introduce me to his divorced S whose XW decided she was done after 25 years of marriage. I am at least now aware of this little nugget of information he dropped in my lap and it won't stop me from going to the event, but I won't be completely blindsided.

Last night, Ms M called me 3 times and never left a message. I wasn't going to call her back, but then I started to get worried because the owner has been having some health issues. I wondered if she needed me to cover the class today. Man, I wish I had gone with my gut and not called her. She informed me that she was starting to hang the show. First of all, it is a week and a half earlier than we should be taking things down. But, she is so busy trying to micromanage, she told me how things the were going to be in terms of the look of the show. Her look. OH BOY. The mere thought of that was scary but it was the tone of "she is in charge and I shouldn't forget it".

It just irritates me beyond belief because I work incredibly well with my coworker and we collaborate. We both understand how to make something cohesive and neither one of us is easily upset. We will laugh when one of us thinks something might look good and we step back and realize nope, that was not a good solution. We have had to debate once in a great while, but it is never something that is about one of us winning. That is not our style at all.

Ms M has become power hungry and what has upset me more than anything else is that she is now making remarks about the owner to artists and customers. The complete level of disrespect is what bothers me. Her use for the owner is non existent suddenly. Thing is, when it comes down to it, I have known the owner for well over 20 years and was here when she first opened, helping her out. I was here before she officially opened the doors and I know what she has accomplished and maintained. That is probably the hardest part for me, that there is no loyalty at all.

I am a very loyal and protective person. I know that about myself. Sometimes perhaps to a fault. It is why I hung on tight to my Xh and my marriage even when he was brutal in his monster stage with his behaviors. And, I don't know that I would change that about myself. I am more cautious, but when it comes to people I truly care about I try to be very understanding about what might be going on in their lives. That includes the owner. I actually listen to her when she confides in me about some things that have changed. I care about her as a person more than the fact that she signs my paycheck.

While I was bringing the owner some paperwork she asked me a question and I answered very honestly. I could see the look on her face change. She is pissed. Like livid. She out and out said this is coming to a head tomorrow with Ms M and this has gotten out of hand. She came into the gallery main area and looked at what Ms M has done and her response was very clear this is not happening this way.  And, I know the owner's temper. She is tough, but she is not reactive nor is she one to spout off. This is bad for Ms M. I have never seen the owner this upset. I told her not to worry that now that I know what she wants, I will honor her vision and it gives me the ability to tell Ms M to stay in her lane.

She gave me a hug before she left and she said there is more to this business than just sales. That is she believes her gallery reputation has carried her because you have to be an ambassador of sorts. Forms and the like are not what build relationships or generate sales. She mentioned an interaction she quietly witnessed the other day when I was here. I remembered. A gentleman came in clearly very upset. His dog had died and his wife was inconsolable. He wanted to know if there was anyone who would paint a picture of their dog. He said he figured it sounded silly since this was a professional gallery. I didn't laugh at that at all and gave him a name of an artist that I know personally who I would use for that type of request. The owner never mentioned it until today. She said she was so grateful I was there to field that request because I addressed it with compassion and didn't just send him on his way empty handed.

I now am waiting until the dust settles tomorrow before I touch the walls. I know what has to happen now in terms of the direction of the exhibit. It makes sense all the way around and honors the owner's vision.

While I was making some phone calls, D contacted me. She was in a good mood and asked me about the summer plans. I sort of laughed and said I had no clue and wondered what she was thinking. She had planned on getting a job for the bulk of the summer. I told her I wasn't worried since she makes up for it in private scholarships with maintaining a nearly perfect GPA which has generated more scholarships and opportunities for her. I was wondering where she was going with the line of questioning. She said BIL 2 and SIL invited her to come and stay for the month of June. It was something that she did at least 2 times a year in the past, but the situation with Xh complicated that relationship. Now that she is technically graduating and they saw Xh in action with S a few weeks ago, they seem to see things more clearly in regards to Xh's behaviors. D was giddy and yet concerned I would be all alone since S will have moved out by then with the dog. I said I was happy for her and I would miss her, but to plan on going. She deserves the time away.

I am happy for D. That relationship with BIL 2 is a very special one for her. Aside from my F, BIL 2 has been such a strong male role model for her. D especially needs to see men who don't run away from their problems. And, I won't lie. The idea of having a month of not having to answer to anyone else - well okay, I will be still going to take care of computer problems for my parents, etc, but it is a break for me. Besides, I had a very frank conversation with my sister yesterday. She has been better about checking on my parents but I was out and out brutally honest with her that she needs to step up her game and spend time with our parents. She agreed. She leaves for a 2 week vacation this week, but said when she gets back she will start making more time for them.

What am I going to do with a month to myself. Hmmmmm - LOL  I shouldn't jinx it. Oops. 

[UrsaMajor]

There goes MsManagement..... Buh Bye!

and a whole month with no velociraptors or moody kids? What EVER will you do (Aside from dealing with parents computer/phone/IT issues and the like)?  Maybe you need a dog... <snort>

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor - we will see how it shakes out. I know I don't want to be anywhere around when the conversation occurs.

I am honestly not breathing a word to anyone at this rate in RL about my potentially quiet month. LOL

As for a dog - hmmmm, after this morning's events, IDK - LOL

Okay, it is funny, I will fully admit. I was making breakfast and had finished using a sharp knife and went to put it on the counter to clean. I didn't get it on the counter all the way and the dog, who was so wound up this morning thought I was trying to play fetch or some other game. It happened in a split second and the dog had the knife handle in her mouth and was ready to play chase. Now, most times I can tell her to drop something and she does, but she was really in full play mode and I had visions of being chased around the house with a knife wielding dog. Fortunately the cookie jar was nearby and there was a single cookie in the bottom. Cookie tastes way better than kitchen knife. LOL

I think I am ready for a break from dogs too. LOL

The weather is insanely warm today and I was working inside, but have decided to allow for some time outside. I hesitate to put away the snow shovels in the shed, but I think I should be okay.  While I should be working on the inside of the house, the lure of nearly 80º weather is a bit hard to ignore. I already took a nice walk without the dog, who was asleep with S's GF when I went outside. S's GF came home from work not feeling well with a migraine. The dog is good about being protective when it comes to things like that and she wasn't leaving GF's side. I was happy to walk on my own this morning, and not have to worry about working on her training.

The mourning dove was sitting on the telephone wire waiting when I left and was there again until I returned. It cooed once I got to the front step and then flew away. IDK - I guess it likes that spot on the wire. 

[MourningDove]

My opening is this weekend and so much for me getting to take the weekend for myself completely. Life sort of intervened and I had to cancel my hotel for the weekend away. I was disappointed at first and was ready to ditch the entire idea of going to the one opening I had settled on.

I didn't get as rattled about it and thought about it for a bit and settled on just leaving my house earlier and driving up for the day and leaving the reception an hour before it closes and be on the road while it was still light out for the bulk of the drive. I had accepted that the timing was just not right for the weekend to myself anyways. There are just too many other factors this particular weekend and if I did go for the weekend my phone would be ringing nonstop.

There is an older artist I always have said I want to be like when I am in my 80s. She and I are cut from the same cloth. I look forward to seeing her when she comes in and we are both very spirited, for lack of a better term. She still hikes and goes all over by herself. Widowed a few years back, she has refused to stop living and has such a lust for life. And we have a running joke, as it is quite often I have mentioned her name and it is just like on cue she just shows up. The last time it was when I sold a piece of her work and the couple they asked about the location of this particular landscape. I had just started to tell them I wish she were there at that minute because she gets so excited explaining how she climbed a mountain side to get that particular vantage point. It was like I planned it. She happened to come down the hallway right on cue and she not only took a picture with them, but wrote a lovely note on the back.

She often pops in when I am working and we laugh at how many times we have had these odd moments where we seem to be on the same wave length.

I have gotten to know her well enough to know she loves to drive. And has to watch her speed.  I also know that she is not a fan of having people in the car with her for any long road trips. My coworkers know this about her as well, as it is not a secret.

She is in the same show as I am and she mentioned she usually goes up and stays overnight but her plans had changed. It was then my coworker's jaw dropped and could not believe what happened next. This artist got all excited and said if I didn't have anyone to go with she would drive and we could go together. I happily accepted her offer and we made our plans. I will leave my car at the gallery, as it is on the way and we will stop for an early dinner and then go to the opening reception.

When she left the gallery, my coworker started calling us "Thelma and Louise" and joked maybe I would meet Brad Pitt along the way. 

I am honestly looking forward to this road trip. I know this woman's life story and she has survived a whole lot of BS over the past few years. Yet she is one of the most upbeat and positive people around. And, she just embraces life with such joy. I have noticed that toxic people can suck the energy out of you, but people like her just are so full of positivity that it is hard to not feel happy around them. And it is not that cheerleader type of BS or over the top saccharine because she is sometimes rather devilish, but her energy is contagious.

I will be home in time to go to the other opening and I offered to work the hours that they originally wondered if I could cover. Why not? The rest of the weekend is really just blown to bits anyways.

[UrsaMajor]

Uhmmmmm .... Is the "other" opening the one that Ms. Management was in charge of hanging? If so, you SURE you wanna do that to yourself?  OK, it does mean some extra dosh in the kitty I guess....

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor - Yes, it is, but there have been some "developments" since then. The owner put Ms Management in her place in regards to how she has been treating people and told her to "stay in her lane" when it came to the show.

The very short version of what has happened is my coworker and I have been working our backsides off for the past few days. My coworker has been out of town, so I started on Saturday. I took Sunday off for the holiday and have been at it ever since. My coworker came in yesterday and we were back at work by 8 am this morning, hoping to avoid Ms Management who is all "fake nice" right now. She cried and played victim so she was given some mercy, but my coworker and I both know that it won't last. Until the owner really sees it affecting her business, it is not going to change at this point. Sadly.

But, until that time arrives, if it does, my coworker and I are back working together and having a really great time. We get along so well and just know what has to happen. We can work independently or know when the other needs help, etc. We solve the problems together and laugh the whole time. Until Ms Management brings in the toxicity it is a great place to work.

The short version of why I am going to work after all is because my coworker and I both heard Ms Management try and take credit for our work. Normally, we don't get too upset. We look at it as we all are a team and don't really care, but after this last little episode, we decided we would be a united front. She doesn't try to pull things with both of us there. She sort of crossed a line with both of us and pushed our stubborn sides and now she has a problem. Part of the issue Ms Management now has is my coworker and I have become very close friends and she and I are extremely protective of one another. You don't mess with people we care about. It is bad enough when I go into protective mode. Now Ms Management has both of us there. We won't be nasty or somehow behave differently, but anyone who really knows the both of us knows we have a point where we carry ourselves with a "don't F with me" confidence if need be.

I do believe the pair of stilettos that my students always said made me look very authoritative and intimidating are possibly part of my weekend attire. And no, they are not some inappropriate shoes - LOL. They are definitely shoes that scream confidence. 

I did try to take time for myself tonight and go back to figure drawing. The group started back up locally and I was all ready to go when other things filtered in and trying to even get my supplies together became a bit of a chore. I knew that the way the evening was unfolding that going to draw would make me more stressed in the end. Next week should work out better as things should calm back down in terms of work.

We will see.

[UrsaMajor]

UrsaMajor - Yes, it is, but there have been some "developments" since then. The owner put Ms Management in her place in regards to how she has been treating people and told her to "stay in her lane" when it came to the show.

Hades bus, here I come....

. She cried and played victim so she was given some mercy, but my coworker and I both know that it won't last. Until the owner really sees it affecting her business, it is not going to change at this point. Sadly.

The short version of why I am going to work after all is because my coworker and I both heard Ms Management try and take credit for our work.

Normally, we don't get too upset. We look at it as we all are a team and don't really care, but after this last little episode, we decided we would be a united front.

She doesn't try to pull things with both of us there. She sort of crossed a line with both of us and pushed our stubborn sides and now she has a problem. Part of the issue Ms Management now has is my coworker and I have become very close friends and she and I are extremely protective of one another. You don't mess with people we care about. It is bad enough when I go into protective mode. Now Ms Management has both of us there. We won't be nasty or somehow behave differently, but anyone who really knows the both of us knows we have a point where we carry ourselves with a "don't F with me" confidence if need be.

I do believe the pair of stilettos that my students always said made me look very authoritative and intimidating are possibly part of my weekend attire. And no, they are not some inappropriate shoes - LOL. They are definitely shoes that scream confidence. 

You GO, Girl!

[MourningDove]

Wow - UrsaMajor. LOL

I do believe I have been "GIF Bombed". 

The shoes - those are close to being accurate. LOL

[MourningDove]

Friday's trip is what I needed, even if it was just for a few hours.

It didn't start out on a particularly good note. I was on Facebook messaging a friend when a notice popped up about a friend's M passing away. It was the M of the best man from Xh's and my wedding. I stay in touch with he and his W and have for years. I expressed my sympathies and then realized that Xh probably didn't know, even though he and the best man were best friends for years, and while we don't discuss it, I know that Xh doesn't reach out much to any of his friends from before the MLC madness.

I decided to take the high road and reach out to Xh, especially since it strangely was also the anniversary of his own M's death. I should have realized that there is a huge pot hole on that high road and I failed to avoid it. Yah, I got a snarky response of "oh, I suppose you found that out on Facebook". I chose to not respond beyond "yes". What was the point of going any further than that? So much for me being nice. I was mad at myself but it was my friend who laughed at first and said what did I expect? True. After they laughed at me they said the plus side is that I was true to my own core and I know Xh is still in "crazy" mode. 

The artist I travelled with has won many awards over the years, and it wasn't any different Friday night. She took one of the top awards for her work. Yet, one of things I admire about her is she doesn't somehow expect it.

We left after noon and the entire trip we had wonderful conversations and laughed at some of the same things. We have found over the past few years that we have run in the same circles for years, yet somehow never really connected in this manner.

I know she guards her privacy most times and there will never be anyone who will replace her H, whom she clearly just adored. She told me things that I know she doesn't just share with everyone. I realized that some of those stories she shared were meant for just that car ride. And, I spoke of things that so many in my RL don't know about me. And they aren't some deep dark secrets, just things that perhaps not everyone would understand.

I realized at our first stop, that this woman is taking me under her wing. She had work to drop off at a gallery that represents her. She was quick to tell the owner about me and she excused herself and told me to show the owner my work. I wasn't prepared for that and luckily had some photos on my phone. I was told the subject matter would sell very well in that market. My artist friend returned and we were off to get dinner and then went to the reception, where the plan was we would split up and meet up later. I walked around the room and I was overwhelmed. I could feel myself going into shy mode. I watched people, include my friend who just is like a magnet. People come up to her and she works the room, but in a very sincere manner. She is enthusiastic about other's work and has a bit of a following. There are moments I wished I could be that way. Not so much the following, but that comfortable in new groups.

It is funny. Once I find someone I can talk to, the shyness disappears, but I don't just feel that comfort in these types of situations where there are so many people.

It has made me think about my personality in general. My birthday is coming up this coming week and I have never had a need for a big party. Even when I was a kid. I liked small family gatherings or a handful of friends. And, that also extends to things like family reunions or get togethers. I liked the closer knit family events, but even that sometimes was too much for me and had nothing to do with family drama or anything like that. I just don't like large parties and that shy little kid appears even when I know people. It is a bit odd to realize it in such a clear manner.

I was having a nice time, just walking around the gallery when my friend grabbed my arm. I laughed and she was so excited to introduce me to this one and that one. Every time, she would drag me over to my painting with these people. My Xh was my "art rep" - and not because I asked him. He believed in me. This friend clearly believes in me more that I probably do and she is fair with critiques.

On the way home, she talked to me about my painting. She said I have a fearlessness that shows through in my work. Funny, I said to her that a blank canvas doesn't scare me and I attack things like that. What is the worst that can happen is always my motto. But, I can't always bring that same fearlessness in all situations where there are all of these people I don't know. Yet, I can pull it off in how I carry myself in other situations just with body language - this confidence. It is a confidence that sometimes comes off to some as I am unapproachable or that I am really that comfortable in my own skin, when in reality I am looking for an exit or someone I feel comfortable around. Yet, on the flip side, if I do see someone I know, I am so comfortable that I will approach them with ease.

I now have been invited by this artist to go paint with her out in the middle of nowhere. She climbs mountains and just amazes me. I want to be that way when I am in my 80s - not letting age somehow stop me from living life. It is clearly a mindset for her. She told me that part of it is she makes sure she keeps herself active by walking, etc.

We were back home in record time, yet it felt like a week away. I was so recharged. It made yesterday's event even easier to navigate.

It would seem the owner got an earful from my coworker and Ms Management was reminded of some things. When I walked in my coworker was not there yet, but Ms M, was oozing niceness. Yah, that doesn't make me feel all warm and fuzzy. I know the drill. It could be very sincere, but one never knows, but I thanked her when she said I looked especially nice yesterday. She then made sure I knew that my coworker and I do a really good job with the exhibits. MMMM. Yah, we do. We work exceptionally well together.

The event was busy and I could see Ms M getting mildly agitated as people came in and sought out my coworker and myself to say hello. Other artists. The woman I hung artwork for in her home, who asked if she could call me to help her more. Sure. Then my artist travel mate came in and brought me some materials she wanted me to try out that she was excited about. I could see Ms M just getting very upset. My coworker was standing with me across the room and had her back to Ms M and her comment made me sort of giggle. She said perhaps if she tried being nice, people would be genuinely happy to see her too. We later admitted how incredibly sad it really was to be that sour about life that you can't figure out that a smile and a genuine hello goes a long way.

My coworker noted that there was one particular event that really set Ms M off kilter a bit. It visibly annoyed her. She has a bit of a thing for the owner's S. But he doesn't speak to her beyond hello. The owner was there and I had asked her how her S was a few days prior. He comes in on and off to help her out. He is always pleasant, but he seemed to have this weight on him and not himself the past few times I encountered him. It wasn't some deep, prying question. Just a noted the lack of smile on his face. And it is not that he and I are good friends or anything like that. I just know he has a couple of kids that are my kids' age, etc. But he and I always at least speak to one another. He knows I look out for his M and I know he takes really good care of her. I saw him come in the door and just waved to him from across the room as I often do. There was nothing odd about the exchange but my coworker said Ms M clearly has some other idea in her head. She relaxed when he went to greet his M, but he didn't linger there and he made his way across the crowd to speak to me. Thing is, I happen to know that even that it is his M's gallery, and he knows a lot of the people there, he is not one to like big crowds either. His M had her usual entourage around her. I gathered he is still dealing with some things in his personal life that made him just want to find someone who wouldn't ask him questions he didn't want to answer. It was nothing more than that. But, I am sure by the end of the afternoon Ms M has it in her head he and I were off to have dinner together or exchanged numbers. 

The event yesterday was fun, and I got through the other nonsense. I think Friday helped, TBH. And, part of it is that I know this week is back to some semblance of "normal" and I will have some distance between Ms M and myself.

D has opted to not graduate this year and going to go through the graduation next May. She is staying on for at least another semester and taking upper level courses that will transfer towards a Masters degree in her field, since she still has scholarship monies that can be applied at this college. I am glad she is delaying for a variety of reasons, as she was really pushing herself too much and I worried she would burn out. When she found out next May was an option for going through the ceremony, her stress level went way down. I wasn't really sure why she was so wired about it, because it was more than the typical "senior end of the semester stretch".  It turns out Xh suddenly is sort of reaching out. Not a lot, but some. Enough that it has added a whole other layer to D's stress. Sigh.

I am not going to worry about the Xh factor. It is just another layer and explains some of D's outbursts the past few weeks. I keep hoping it isn't gaslighting, but based on the Friday exchange, I hold little hope that this is some miraculous reconnection.

[UrsaMajor]

The early show sounds like a real plus, not only in terms of exposure but also in networking - maybe a bit out of your comfort zone maybe but still valuable? And painting on a mountaintop?


As for Ms. Management and the owners' son..

No one wants to sleep with someone who is busy pooping in their own nest/bed and driving people away....

Poor D - now dealing with GWPWELFV.... but slowing down a bit is probably a VERY good idea..... I wonder if he'll come up with a bit of cash for D now that she is almost done... I know, I know, wishful thinking....

[MourningDove]

The Friday show was good for all of those reasons, UrsaMajor. I also think that just getting away and it helped that there is lousy cell reception where I was - LOL. In fact, what was a bit funny was that both of my kids forgot my schedule and were looking for me later on. We had talked about my plans several times, but both admitted later they now understand why I get frustrated with having to somehow let them know my whereabouts during the day if it doesn't impact them. This simply proves they really don't need to know every detail of my day - considering they didn't miss me until, IDK around 9 PM. LOL  Now with that said, it doesn't mean I keep everything a secret, but I think I have proven I am a responsible adult and they could still reach me. 

Ms Management is married on top of it. That is what makes it even more ludicrous to me. And, I have no interest in going out with the owner's S - not that he has asked - to be clear. We don't have that type of connection, for one. It is really a very different situation. We are more than acquaintances at this point, but not seeking each other out to spend time together. He is not into art all that much, and I can talk about other things. He comes to support his M and I think I am sort of his safety net in those situations. We get along and are friendly. Ms Management has a very active imagination and besides, everything makes her jealous. It is her nature. I am not worried about it. I am going to continue to be true to myself and not worry about whether or not it gets Ms Management's knickers in a twist. There is no reason for me to change how I behave.

As for Xh and D. The subject of money was in fact floated to S a few months ago. S said Xh supposedly has an account he has been putting money into for D all along. Is it possible? It is the same game BIL played with his kids, so considering Xh has taken on some of BIL's traits in this FOO Fest - it might be the case. Would I bet on it? Nah. Or it could be it is a significant amount of money or $3? I would not bet on anything at this point. I guess nothing would shock me. If there is money, I know it will be used as a bargaining chip. D is not one to be bought and that could backfire completely on Xh if that is in fact the case. I also know that if he has been stowing away money it was all about making sure I somehow didn't benefit, which is really comical considering anyone who knows me well, as he would have would know that I don't "misappropriate" funds. D's support money was used for the intended purposes.

I am not asking D about Xh at all. If she brings it up, I will talk to her about it, but it does explain some comments lately. She has been a little defensive about him when it comes to any comments at all. And they aren't bad things. For example, yesterday, I was busy tying up the wisteria that Xh planted. He planted it with a post to train it away from the house and garage, but it was something that was done when I was at a conference. I really wasn't being snarky and I love the wisteria. All I said was I wished Xh had put the post and wisteria out about another foot away from the building. It is too late now and it simply means every year I have to cut certain areas back and make sure the shoots coming off are tied back. I was not on some rant. D got very protective suddenly about the comment, but realized within minutes she was being overly sensitive.

I won't lie. It aggravated me a bit. For one, that Xh is working his way in and wondering if it is that easy. I know the answer to that - it isn't. Secondly, I was finally adjusting to not having to deal with Xh on a regular basis and only sporadic contact, etc. I don't look forward to being somehow exposed to him more again. And, that may just be a reactive thought on my part, but it crossed my mind.

Upon thinking about it some more, I realized that D could very well be dealing with what I went through with Xh. The timing is right. He came back around and tried to "reconcile" with me int eh same manner in terms of suddenly very sane and nice behaviors. And I was very protective of Xh when I look back, even when he really didn't deserve it. I went through the time of making excuses for his behaviors.

Now, I am neither expecting the same outcome for D. It could be he is trying. It could be a temporary thing, like a touch and go. It could be genuine reconnection. Or it could be utter BS. I don't know and my cynical MLC side says at best it is a touch and go. We will see when all is said and done. I do know that the amount of damage that has been done is something that is going to take time to overcome if he is sincere. I am not sure he is up to that challenge. If he crushes D's heart again, I will not have an easy time taking the high road.

I am enjoying the warm weather and very quiet house today. I have things to do inside, but am planning on working in the back gardens some more before the predicted storm hits this afternoon. Who knows, maybe if I get enough done and things moved, I can set my chairs up on the back deck under the awning and enjoy the first spring storm while I sit under the awning. 

[MourningDove]

I had planned on going to an event today by myself. It doesn't bother me to do things on my own, and I usually find ways to embrace my solitude. Even as a kid, I was content being alone at times. It was different than being lonely. Yet, I am also very much a relationship person, which confuses the most people.

When I was in college, before I met Xh, I did so many things by myself. I had friends I would go out with, but there were times I would get in the car and go shoot photos for hours by myself or do things that that particular circle of friends would not have really understood. And, I was content with it.

Then there were boyfriends along the way that either wanted to be around me every minute, which got old. Or then there was the other one that was so into his own thing that he would often disappear to work for a few hours. He was attentive when we were together but work was a constant draw for him. I would drive the hour one way to go visit and he would get engrossed in a project for hours. And he was the one that wanted me to come see him. In the year we dated I spent more time with his M and grandmother, who I really liked very much, than I did with him. He has told since my divorce, that I was the "one that got away". 

When Xh came along, prior to the MLC blow up, I found a companion that not only liked spending time with me, but made efforts for years to do so. And, we had some similar interests or would support each other in our own endeavors. With Xh, there was also a balance. We could go off and do our own thing and meet back up later or we could work on different projects in the same room and not say a word for hours, and somehow it was okay. We could also talk for hours.

This thought process is not me longing for Xh or what was. It is not about the WTF happened either. It is not me somehow in hot pursuit of a replacement or somehow comparing what I had with Xh. This came to my mind last night when I arrived at home and was greeted by S and his entourage. They all were very happy to see me and wished me a belated birthday, etc. So, I wasn't technically alone, yet there was this odd feeling that was not really loneliness, nor a comfortable solitude. It was a longing for something else.

I find myself today wondering about how I sort of shake this all out for myself. That is, I have loved the house being quiet as of late when the kids have both out when I have come home from work. I love having them around, but I need the break. Not going to lie about that. They need the break from me as well. I accept that. It has been a rough few months with the pandemic and having 4 - twenty something year olds here most days. And, we all have agreed that they need to move on to some "normal" process in their lives, because life has been anything other than normal since Xh left. It shook us all up in different ways. As a core, we found some semblance of some of balance in our lives together. It hasn't always been perfect or pretty, but we have fumbled along.

So, I came home last night and even with the kids here, I felt very "alone". I craved some companionship. Oh sure, I could have called a friend and gone out or talked on the phone. But, that wasn't really what I was wanting. Yet, it wasn't this completely hollow feeling. It was more of "huh". And, I had plenty I could do while I had the house to myself. I just wasn't motivated at all. And it wasn't even a sadness or somehow that type of loneliness. It just was me being very aware that I was more than just by myself.

I woke up with all intentions of going to this event. IDK. I could have taken my camera with me or a sketchbook. The day is perfect with unbelievable summer-like weather, yet, the event just no longer appealed to me to go by myself. It is the type of event that is really needing to be shared with someone else. The last time I went, it was not particularly enjoyable with the person who went with me. And it was not just that event I had this experience with them. I came to realize that their attention span was not one for things beyond going to say a casino and sitting at the bar. And I had fun with them from time to time, but sitting at a bar all the time is not my thing. Anything that was outdoors was not going to fly for very long for them.

My former coworker, who I haven't seen in probably nearly 2 months and have only briefly spoken to said he would go with me, but that would mean bringing his 5 year old along. He rethought that idea and said that would honestly not be fun because this event is not exactly 5-year old friendly in that he would get really bored after awhile. I was honestly grateful he came to that conclusion and he backed out before I said no to that idea.

Maybe what struck me more was I woke up and I am still feeling a twinge of what I guess might be a loneliness, or longing to share those types of things. Going alone lost it's appeal. Or perhaps, it was just me having the ability to change my mind, which sounds so flaky or flip, which it wasn't.

The sun is out and it is a perfect spring day. What was calling me was the outdoors, but around my own house. I have been trying to figure out where to a put a large sculpture my F made years ago in my yard. I don't want it accessible to the outside world, for fear of it being stolen. It has been just "hanging out" near the garage for a few years. Xh had promised to help me install it, but that was right when we in the midst of the "reconciliation that wasn't" and instead he was off running around again with Schmoopie.

I never was happy with where we had settled on putting the sculpture anyways. So, last night in my moment of pondering I looked out of the kitchen to where we have always had a large grill. It hasn't worked well in a long time and my plan was to get rid of it, but I need S to help me haul it away. I looked at where the grill sets now, and realized that is really the best place to put my F's sculpture. I don't need a grill that large anymore, TBH. I don't plan on having parties with 30 people anymore. I am sort of over that idea. I want my home to be my retreat.

So, today - the plan is to work on prepping that area to install the sculpture and then to make repairs to the piece, as it needs a little maintenance. Then my other plan is to borrow another large piece and install that somewhere else on the property.

I am not disappointed in missing the event. I know there are other things coming up that may intrigue me or lure me away from my home. But, today - I am going to embrace what I have right in my own backyard.

[MadLuv]

Sounds like a great plan!! I also get your pondering on sharing. Doing my bathroom remodel I stood in the home improvement store for hours looking and tile and not being able to decide. Im used to having that person with me making those decisions . Couples were all around me. I had my huge cart and a man came up and said, awful large cart for a roll of tape. I said, hahaha I know. I need to get busy. It broke my silence and indecision and honestly I didnt feel so alone after that. Funny as that is??

[MourningDove]

MadLuv - I have been to the home improvement store looking at tiles for months. I finally went with my sister to a store that specialized in tile and she laughed at me. I really already had in mind what I wanted and could envision it, but I needed her there to just tell me I wasn't out of my mind, I guess. And, I worked with the tile specialist as well. I felt this complete lack of confidence in that moment, which is so odd. I know for me, I sometimes feel the odd feeling that the MLC monster's words are going to roll back in and make me question things. I have to still fight past that at times.

This morning I was out the door at an early hour. I had decided to go out for a drive and look at some different landscaping. I needed inspiration. I had told S that I was on my way out, but hadn't mentioned it to anyone else. It didn't affect anyone else, TBH. I had been gone about an hour by the time my phone started to ring. My neighbors go in early to help set up for the coffee group after the service at their church. They had stopped to see my parent's new siding on the house after church  and mentioned seeing I was off somewhere. I was dressed up according to them. I guess I was, but not like for a date. I was just dressed up more than they have seen me in awhile and only because they usually see me outside working in the yard. That lead to my M calling me and asking where everyone was this morning. Sigh.

I didn't lie. I had stopped at the home improvement store and gotten some groceries after that, but I didn't say I was out way earlier. I didn't want to be asked why or even hear "oh, we would have ridden along". Frankly, I was wanting some time to just shut the world out. Had I not cleaned out my car the other day and taken out my emergency sneakers in the process, I would have gone for a hike, TBH.

I found myself driving into an area I haven't been to in years. In the complete opposite direction of the lakes and farmland. I drove through an area which is known for horse stables. On a quiet Sunday morning, it was what I needed.

I found myself realizing that after having been in the a couple of larger cities this month and my sister's neighborhood, that I like the activity those areas provide, but the complete sense of calm I have in the country takes over when I leave those areas. This morning, I don't think I passed a single car once I hit the countryside, for easily an hour. The horses were out in their pastures and the sun was out. It was really the perfect morning.

I came home to find the house was quiet, except for the dog who was beside herself to see me.

It was then I heard someone pull in the driveway and it was a motorcycle. I knew from the sound it was a vintage Harley Davidson and at first was worried it was Xh, but then I recalled S mentioned Xh sold his and bought a newer one. That meant there was only one other person I know who would stop to see me. I looked out and smiled. It was my F's younger B, who I haven't seen in some time. He was out for a ride and thought he would pop in to say hello.

My uncle had a cancer scare and went through chemo some time ago. It was nice to see him out enjoying the weather and doing what he loves. It is the first time he hasn't brought up Xh, which I was grateful for. He is a bit protective of me and when Xh left, it is clear my uncle is not an Xh fan now. I try to avoid any mention of Xh at all. Instead, today I asked about both of my cousins and my aunt. It was a short visit, but nice.

I often wonder if this is my life now. Working on the house and just having what seems to be a social life of sorts.

I go back and forth sometimes. I think about selling the house and moving into an apartment. I have looked at a loft apartment in a converted factory that is amazing and close to everything. I have thought about a small lake house. I have considered other things and other places. The thing I keep coming back to, at least for right now is I really have a good situation. In spite of other areas around me, the properties have remained somewhat stable and being in "farm country" has kept food costs down some. I can be in a major city or at an airport very quickly. I can drive an hour away and be in completely different areas of the state that feel like I am in a whole other world.

I find that sometimes it is my own frustrations that make me want to move but they rarely are really about the house. It is this feeling of wanting more and in reality it isn't the house that is currently holding me back. That is, it is not going to magically change things if I sell the house. It goes back to that whole concept of what am I giving up to gain. I can't have it all and it doesn't mean someday I won't change my mind, but ultimately selling the house isn't going to somehow fix my feelings of this odd limbo. It isn't the root of my frustrations. In truth, right now, even with the repairs and trying to get it back to the way I want things, it is my safety net for a variety of reasons at the moment. It is where I can come home and sit on my back deck and just tune the world out.

So, my thought process has been shifted to how I make the house work better for what I want moving forward. S removed the grill last night and when I looked out I saw the cleared area, I knew that is the right spot for that sculpture. I will figure out a different spot for a new grill at some point. For now, I will use the portable one I have. I sent the smoker and charcoal grill with S to have at the house. I don't know how we ended up with 4 grills at one point, but I certainly don't need them all. Well - I do know how  I know that with it just being me at the house, I can do without the extras.

I also realized that last night, unbeknownst to me, S and C did some work along the property line to clear more of that mess up. I now have more areas to address in terms of landscaping, however it is honestly a relief to see it cleared away.

Today, I am going to pull out more of the English Ivy Xh thought was a good idea. It is beautiful, but needs to be put somewhere far away from the deck and the house. It is starting to feel like a scene out of "Jumanji".

[MadLuv]

Totally in the same place. I love the house, but dont need this big of a house .Also looked at lake homes, lofts, moving to a different state. Part of be doesn’t want to be where he left me.  I feel the same as you .It wont change my state of limbo. I feel finally content. Look forward to the weekends. I am starting home improvements I always wanted done and gardening again. That alone feels like some progression. At least not in the “ what’s the point” mode

[MourningDove]

MadLuv - I found that physical activity was a good way for me to move forward. Something to keep my mind busy and the physical activity helped keep some of the stress away.

[MourningDove]

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?action=post;board=1.0

[Thunder]

New thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11932.0

[MourningDove]

LOL - Thank you, Thunder.