UrsaMajor - Yes, I am glad I actually had the bloodwork done and spoke to the doctor's office. I needed a slap of reality beyond what I have been realizing about the past few months. Those numbers were so out of whack and it is not like I went in and hadn't fasted, etc.
I woke up this morning after nearly 10 hours of sleep. I would blame it on the walk yesterday, but I know better. I decided not to beat myself up about it. I didn't have to go anywhere today, so I gave myself permission to just accept I needed sleep. But, I was still a bit groggy when I came downstairs. The puppy was sleeping and hadn't come in to wake me like she usually does. D was in the kitchen and she mentioned the puppy seems to be lazy today. When that happens and that usually means we are going to be dealing with demon dog the following day, because she will have saved up some energy.
I looked outside and saw the snow was gently falling and figured I would take her for a walk. The temperature was milder and the wind wasn't blowing, so she would be able to handle the cold a bit longer.
Out the door we went and I was still a bit tired and didn't think right away about the fresh fallen snow. The puppy loves when the flakes are huge and drifting downward. She tries to catch them on her tongue, just like a little kid. She jerked forward and I misstepped. My knee didn't particularly care for that maneuver and I knew the minute it happened this is one of those moments where a walk is not going to happen. Ice and rest. UGH. It means that the walk will have to wait and hopefully in a day or two I can get back to walking.
When I came back in, D was on her way out the door. Most of the schools around the area were closed or closing early due to the impending storm. D's college, because it is primarily a campus where students live on campus, rarely closes. She opted for the Zoom version of lecture this morning, but was going in for lab. She has classes tomorrow as well, and opted to stay at my sister's tonight since it is somewhat closer to the campus. Frankly, either way, it is a relief for me to have her there tonight. It gives us both a break and I know she is safe there.
S is on call again for plowing. I haven't told my parents. My M would be pacing and calling me non stop. It isn't that I don't worry some with him being out in the bad weather, but he and I have always had a system. When he was younger and went out on his 4-wheeler in the woods by himself, I made him take his cell phone and check in every few minutes or so. I knew where he was and at first he squawked about it, until my cousin, who raced cars and the like told him he had been out by himself and his 4-wheeler flipped over on him. He was pinned underneath and didn't have his cell phone. Fortunately, his B knew where he was and thought it was odd he wasn't home yet. My S respects my cousin immensely and realized I wasn't trying to control him or prevent him from having fun - I just knew things happen. It was a few weeks later, S had the stupid thing flip over on him in our yard and fortunately it happened on a hillside, so he had room to crawl out from under that. Since those situations, S checked in faithfully, and still does when he is plowing or doing something that is more dangerous or where he is alone. So, I don't worry nearly as much and I know where he is in case of an emergency.
It means it will be just me, the puppy and S's GF tonight at this rate. C will come by after work and deal with the puppy for awhile.
So, this morning that meant, once D left, and S was still sleeping. As I hobbled around, I was trying to think of something that I could accomplish today. I stopped myself and realized I have yet to take a bath in my tub. Everyone else here have taken baths and soaked. The whole point of me not going with just a shower was that I knew I would miss being able to just sometimes relax in a hot bathtub. I have been on this mission to just finish things, that I haven't stopped to actually relax. My pace for the past few months has really been a seemingly non-stop "knock something off the list - or make progress" mindset. That is what has gotten me into some trouble. I hesitated and then kicked myself. This is what got me those crazy numbers in the bloodwork and I need to reset my brain and quit telling myself that I am not allowed to be selfish or sometimes say "F" it.
I found myself lying in the tub and finding some contentment. My decision to move the tub under the window was the right one for me. It was worth the waiting and the grief others gave me. I can see where this summer, when I get the screen replacement I will be able to just look over the orchard and enjoy the warm air rushing in and the night sky. I liked the bright light coming through the window today.
While I relaxed, I was able to really think about what has been holding me up on the finish work. The solutions came so much easier in part because I was relaxed and perhaps because I was actually in the space and could envision it more clearly.
I didn't spend my whole time thinking about projects. I allowed my mind to wander a bit and just be. It has been ages since I have really let go and not cared about the day. I gave myself permission to just blow off today.
I got out and actually put a proper coat of nail polish on my toes. I am not high maintenance but I am not one of those women who stops shaving my legs or just keeping up a routine. I know for me it is not about having a perfect manicure, it is more of a mindset. I am not vain, it is more of a need to keep my own confidence from taking a hit. I realized I hadn't actually put on a coat of nail polish in weeks. The remnants of a color I had put on remained and I realized this is not the path I want to go down.
I haven't been myself. I know that. I have been edgy. I have been stretched to extremes. I knew it as it was happening, but I hadn't allowed myself to step back and say it was okay to be selfish.
Part of it is reminding myself that last year was a nightmare in terms of projects and my unexpected surgery. There are aspects that were blessings. The job thing was a gut punch. The kids and all of the changes going on. It has been a lot. I have been on this mission to somehow put things back together by myself and not given myself some permission to accept that I am but one person. I have not looked out for myself nearly enough. Which is not an easy thing to say, since it sounds so much like the MLCer thought process.
I am going to accept certain things in my life are the way they are. It doesn't mean I am just rolling over and crying "uncle". It simply means, I am going to get myself back to realizing that things like my job situation were not because of something I somehow fouled up. It is circumstantial and I have to figure out something else. It is not fun, but maybe it is what needs to happen. I am going to remind myself that I have done my job with the kids and it is okay for me to say no or to ask, for instance my sister for more help with my parents. I am going to give myself permission to take care of myself more and am going to get back to walking regularly. I need that whole spiritual side to fuel my soul, which seems so very empty at the moment.
I don't want to be this woman on edge again. That is how I felt with BD and this crazy MLC induced, unexpected home repair has probably brought out some of that residual anger at Xh at times. It is that anger with him that has lead to me perhaps projecting at times and I am not happy with myself about it at all. I can only apologize and recognize it as what it was and forgive myself for being human. I just know it has caused damage and it is something I have to just move past at this point.
I know that I am not that person who has been edgy. That is not me at my core nor is it how I have behaved up until now. I really believe the weeks prior to the holidays and with both kids coming up on the end of the semester really just pushed me to that point of just not giving myself time to process properly. I kept pushing myself without a break physically or mentally. That didn't work out well.

I have spent part of my day looking at some things that I am going to put on my own calendar. Some are things going on in the coming weeks and some are further out. I don't care if I do them alone at this point. I am just not going to keep doing things the way I have been the past few months. I have to find my inner peace again and not let it get hijacked by anyone, including myself.