[UrsaMajor]

<....snip....>

Yeah, Mort hasn't been around in while.

@JohnnyBravo - don't forget, as Cultural Director, you are in charge of snacks and drinks too  <snort!>

The walk sounds nice (except for that "very icy" part)  I have pulled my bike out of the shed a couple of times (my bicycle, not my motorcycle) and ridden into work because I had some stuff I just could not do in Home Office... so that has been a blessing in disguise... getting out and about, although I am the only person on the entire floor of the building where I am working... At least there is no danger for getting the 'rona...

So, it is a good thing that you were at the doc... At least, like the last time, you know what the story is and how to potentially deal with it BEFORE it blows up and makes a big mess...
 

So after the first leg of our walk, I went with my sister to meet up with my parents. She was supposed to have coffee with them this morning and drop something off to them. I tagged along. My M was shocked I was there, as I hadn't mentioned it to her. My sister right away said "I didn't know MD had to clear her schedule with everyone". I don't think my M liked that very well.

Oooooo....Ouchie!

I mentioned to her that I was sort of laughing at my PA as she had made a suggestion to me which sort of made me laugh. She wants me to drink a small glass of red wine a couple of times a week and to do so with strict instructions. I am to tell my family to leave me alone for at least half an hour and to just shut the world out and to enjoy that glass of wine. I knew what she was getting at and she is right.

So, the deal is, I am to have bloodwork done in 6 months and make changes - mainly go back to taking better care of myself. If I notice any concerning changes, then to call her, but until then, I can avoid medications.

Well, THAT part (avoiding medication) is good....

Now if only, I could get some other people to get on board with this and let me actually have time to myself. Not to be pulling at me and not hearing me express what I need. Sigh.

You just need a sign....


and if THAT doesn't work, there is always....

or


Those might help....

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor - Yes, I am glad I actually had the bloodwork done and spoke to the doctor's office. I needed a slap of reality beyond what I have been realizing about the past few months. Those numbers were so out of whack and it is not like I went in and hadn't fasted, etc.

I woke up this morning after nearly 10 hours of sleep. I would blame it on the walk yesterday, but I know better. I decided not to beat myself up about it. I didn't have to go anywhere today, so I gave myself permission to just accept I needed sleep. But, I was still a bit groggy when I came downstairs. The puppy was sleeping and hadn't come in to wake me like she usually does. D was in the kitchen and she mentioned the puppy seems to be lazy today. When that happens and that usually means we are going to be dealing with demon dog the following day, because she will have saved up some energy.

I looked outside and saw the snow was gently falling and figured I would take her for a walk. The temperature was milder and the wind wasn't blowing, so she would be able to handle the cold a bit longer.

Out the door we went and I was still a bit tired and didn't think right away about the fresh fallen snow. The puppy loves when the flakes are huge and drifting downward. She tries to catch them on her tongue, just like a little kid. She jerked forward and I misstepped. My knee didn't particularly care for that maneuver and I knew the minute it happened this is one of those moments where a walk is not going to happen. Ice and rest. UGH. It means that the walk will have to wait and hopefully in a day or two I can get back to walking.

When I came back in, D was on her way out the door. Most of the schools around the area were closed or closing early due to the impending storm. D's college, because it is primarily a campus where students live on campus, rarely closes. She opted for the Zoom version of lecture this morning, but was going in for lab. She has classes tomorrow as well, and opted to stay at my sister's tonight since it is somewhat closer to the campus. Frankly, either way, it is a relief for me to have her there tonight. It gives us both a break and I know she is safe there.

S is on call again for plowing. I haven't told my parents. My M would be pacing and calling me non stop. It isn't that I don't worry some with him being out in the bad weather, but he and I have always had a system. When he was younger and went out on his 4-wheeler in the woods by himself, I made him take his cell phone and check in every few minutes or so. I knew where he was and at first he squawked about it, until my cousin, who raced cars and the like told him he had been out by himself and his 4-wheeler flipped over on him. He was pinned underneath and didn't have his cell phone. Fortunately, his B knew where he was and thought it was odd he wasn't home yet. My S respects my cousin immensely and realized I wasn't trying to control him or prevent him from having fun - I just knew things happen. It was a few weeks later, S had the stupid thing flip over on him in our yard and fortunately it happened on a hillside, so he had room to crawl out from under that. Since those situations, S checked in faithfully, and still does when he is plowing or doing something that is more dangerous or where he is alone. So, I don't worry nearly as much and I know where he is in case of an emergency.

It means it will be just me, the puppy and S's GF tonight at this rate. C will come by after work and deal with the puppy for awhile.

So, this morning that meant, once D left, and S was still sleeping. As I hobbled around, I was trying to think of something that I could accomplish today. I stopped myself and realized I have yet to take a bath in my tub. Everyone else here have taken baths and soaked. The whole point of me not going with just a shower was that I knew I would miss being able to just sometimes relax in a hot bathtub. I have been on this mission to just finish things, that I haven't stopped to actually relax. My pace for the past few months has really been a seemingly non-stop "knock something off the list - or make progress" mindset. That is what has gotten me into some trouble. I hesitated and then kicked myself. This is what got me those crazy numbers in the bloodwork and I need to reset my brain and quit telling myself that I am not allowed to be selfish or sometimes say "F" it.

I found myself lying in the tub and finding some contentment. My decision to move the tub under the window was the right one for me. It was worth the waiting and the grief others gave me. I can see where this summer, when I get the screen replacement I will be able to just look over the orchard and enjoy the warm air rushing in and the night sky. I liked the bright light coming through the window today.

While I relaxed, I was able to really think about what has been holding me up on the finish work. The solutions came so much easier in part because I was relaxed and perhaps because I was actually in the space and could envision it more clearly.

I didn't spend my whole time thinking about projects. I allowed my mind to wander a bit and just be. It has been ages since I have really let go and not cared about the day. I gave myself permission to just blow off today.

I got out and actually put a proper coat of nail polish on my toes. I am not high maintenance but I am not one of those women who stops shaving my legs or just keeping up a routine. I know for me it is not about having a perfect manicure, it is more of a mindset. I am not vain, it is more of a need to keep my own confidence from taking a hit. I realized I hadn't actually put on a coat of nail polish in weeks. The remnants of a color I had put on remained and I realized this is not the path I want to go down.

I haven't been myself. I know that. I have been edgy. I have been stretched to extremes. I knew it as it was happening, but I hadn't allowed myself to step back and say it was okay to be selfish.

Part of it is reminding myself that last year was a nightmare in terms of projects and my unexpected surgery. There are aspects that were blessings. The job thing was a gut punch. The kids and all of the changes going on. It has been a lot. I have been on this mission to somehow put things back together by myself and not given myself some permission to accept that I am but one person. I have not looked out for myself nearly enough. Which is not an easy thing to say, since it sounds so much like the MLCer thought process.

I am going to accept certain things in my life are the way they are. It doesn't mean I am just rolling over and crying "uncle". It simply means, I am going to get myself back to realizing that things like my job situation were not because of something I somehow fouled up. It is circumstantial and I have to figure out something else. It is not fun, but maybe it is what needs to happen. I am going to remind myself that I have done my job with the kids and it is okay for me to say no or to ask, for instance my sister for more help with my parents. I am going to give myself permission to take care of myself more and am going to get back to walking regularly. I need that whole spiritual side to fuel my soul, which seems so very empty at the moment.

I don't want to be this woman on edge again. That is how I felt with BD and this crazy MLC induced, unexpected home repair has probably brought out some of that residual anger at Xh at times. It is that anger with him that has lead to me perhaps projecting at times and I am not happy with myself about it at all. I can only apologize and recognize it as what it was and forgive myself for being human. I just know it has caused damage and it is something I have to just move past at this point.

I know that I am not that person who has been edgy. That is not me at my core nor is it how I have behaved up until now. I really believe the weeks prior to the holidays and with both kids coming up on the end of the semester really just pushed me to that point of just not giving myself time to process properly. I kept pushing myself without a break physically or mentally. That didn't work out well. 

I have spent part of my day looking at some things that I am going to put on my own calendar. Some are things going on in the coming weeks and some are further out. I don't care if I do them alone at this point. I am just not going to keep doing things the way I have been the past few months. I have to find my inner peace again and not let it get hijacked by anyone, including myself.

[UrsaMajor]

I've noticed something in the past .... oh... say .... month in your threads so .....

You have referred to :

t is that anger with him that has lead to me perhaps projecting at times and I am not happy with myself about it at all. I can only apologize and recognize it as what it was and forgive myself for being human. I just know it has caused damage and it is something I have to just move past at this point.

or something similar very often....

I just want to say that, you have apparently apologized to the person in question. Now they get to choose to accept that apology or not. If they do, great, you can move forward together in whatever context you both wish. If they choose NOT to accept it, then there is nothing you can do about it. It is their choice and their consequences.

We can try to make amends and admit to our own shortcomings but we can not force the "offended" party to accept our offering. If they don't, then maybe it is the point to grow forward in different paths and look back on the times together with fond memories but also with the understanding that the future was not to be?

It is also a reflection on the part of the "offended one" to not accept - actually a bit like the LBS not wishing to have the Mid-Lifer back in the end although nowhere near on the same level of destruction caused. There are light-years of difference between the nuclear Holocaust of the MLC vs. the occasional sharp word spoken between people.......

Therefore, you do not get a patented Velvet 2x4 but rather a penguin... <snort>

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor - Okay, I will accept the penguin slap over a velvet 2x4. LOL

But, my thoughts yesterday were not really about that other incident, TBH.

Yes, in regards to apologies, we can't expect anyone to just forgive us. That incident that so upset me - I will give that person whatever time and space they need. Yes, they may walk away or have made a decision. I know my feelings have not changed and I only want them to be happy. That was always my wish for them. I won't manipulate someone I care about, especially someone I let into my innermost circle in order to make myself somehow feel better.

While it has been a recurring "theme" I have been looking at it way beyond that particular incident. That just happened to be something that really jarred me as to how edgy I have been - with people I care about.

D and I have been at each other the past few weeks. I have been at odds with my M more than normal. I have been short a couple of times with S and his friends. And, in part it is because I have been less sassy and more snappy. I have been low on tolerance and patience. And, while sometimes I have reasons to be annoyed or short, I was not myself and it has in fact caused some distress. It is not insurmountable, but I think I just realized with more clarity yesterday that I was not angry so much with all of them, or at least that my responses to them were really more about my underlying anger than about them.

I was trying to express yesterday that I realized I have been angry at Xh and by not allowing myself to actually feel those feelings, it filtered in other places. I so feared that being angry would equate with becoming bitter and resentful that I didn't allow myself to be okay with being a bit pissed off with the situations I have been faced with because of the MLCer's BS fixes. I thought the projects and the physical activity alone would clear my head and get rid of the aggravation. And it didn't fully. I deluded myself the past couple months into believing I was okay when I wasn't really over the frustration and feelings I was having.

This morning, strangely - or perhaps not a coincidence - IDK - I had an article pop up that I read. The article itself wasn't so much memorable or pertinent for me but the author was talking about something in her past that was painful. I couldn't entirely relate to it, but there were a couple of paragraphs that struck me.

"I had been forcing myself to “get over it” and “not think about it,” instead of just feeling it and letting it run its course. I had also quite stupidly assigned a deadline to it.“Well, it’s been five months now, so I should be firetrucking over it.”

"I’m not, and that’s okay. It still hurts, it still stings, it still makes me sad, and I’ll just keep riding that feeling to the healed part, no deadline, just as much firetrucking time as is needed. And I comfort myself with the fact that even if it takes a long time, the day will come when it won’t hurt anymore."

That is really what has been bothering me underneath it all. It has been over 6 years since my divorce. Shouldn't I somehow be past this? I know people in my RL sometimes have assigned some expiration date on the pain and frustration.

Most of the time, I realize, I don't think about Xh nor do I feel the pain, etc, but I failed to recognize that these continual projects and the stress of being the only parent who is available whenever the kids need me has worn on me. The exhaustion played on my emotions. And I know some of it was my own expiration date I have somehow assigned - I shouldn't be feeling this way after this long.

My anger is, or at least was with myself underneath it all for letting it get to this point. For it boiling over into this point where I was looking at numbers on my bloodwork that make it all too real and hard to even argue that yes, I allowed the stress to take over.

It is embarrassing for me to admit it, because I have worked so damn hard to put myself back together and be true to who I am. To find myself angry at Xh was hard. To push the feelings aside upsets me. I had learned to allow myself to feel as needed, and I convinced myself I didn't have time for real tears. I have shed some here and there, but I didn't allow those feelings to run their course. I didn't somehow stop myself and go for a walk or take time to really let go. That is where the anger really is coming from and the part I have to move past.

Unfortunately, I hurt some people along the way. I certainly didn't mean to do that. I never go out looking to hurt anyone, especially those I care about.

It is a sucky lesson to learn, TBH. I can only hope that something positive comes from it in my own growth. I stumbled and I am going to pick myself up again.

This morning when I wanted to be a bit short with my M, I took a deep breath and reminded myself that she was probably texting me at 5:30 am because she was worried about S. I needed to take into consideration that she would be at it all day until her grandson is home safe and I can't really be angry about her caring about his safety. I need to be patient. S had left  at 3 pm yesterday in order to plow. He was on call again for the big storm that rolled in. It was not so much about the accumulation, but the drifting that was problematic. I literally just spoke to him finally at 10:30 am and he had been able to take a break for a couple of hours, but will be back at it until at least midday. I was at least able to tell my M that I had spoken to him and he was warm and had eaten, etc.

D, she is at my sister's at the moment. She too was a bit wound up but I took another deep breath and answered her. I know in the back of her mind she knows Xh is leaving today for his extended trip. Turns out he is driving. Leaving in a storm is just like him  I reminded myself that D's mood might be a big touchy at least initially. It doesn't mean I have to put up with being the whipping post, but I tried to be mindful of my own reactions and not in a tip toe around it manner - simply mindful of how I responded.

I am the one that needs to adjust a bit. I need to do it for my own benefit. I know I need to take time for myself and find that calm inside of me. That is really what I was trying to get across more than anything else. Just recognizing I have not been in sync with my own inner self.

I realize now that it is okay if these emotions arise regarding Xh. I am not sliding backwards if I have these feelings that come creeping in. I need to feel them and release them. The trick is to not let them hijack me again and recognize the need to acknowledge them before they migrate into areas of my life where they have no place.

[MourningDove]

S was home nearly 24 hours after leaving yesterday. He had taken a 3 hour nap at one point, but clocked 20 hours behind the pay loader plowing during the snow storm. His boss was shocked because all the other drivers gave up after 10 hours and some were refusing to go back out to clear their different designated areas. S is stubborn and a hard worker. He told his boss that it was storming through the night and it was easier to keep up with it, instead of traveling home in the conditions and come back. He basically waited the storm out for the ride home. S told me the snow accumulation wasn't the issue at all. It was the wind that made it drift and the ice underneath. He noted several times he felt like he was operating a zamboni across the parking lot and couldn't count on the brakes, so he would slow up and drift. He said the worst part was when his headphones quit working and it meant there was no music to listen to.

S threw some laundry in and then packed up to go start his stay at Xh's. He really wasn't looking forward to going, and I think is having second thoughts about his choice to watch the cottage and the psycho dog. He gave me a hug before he left and called me when he arrived safely. He was going to go crawl into bed and try to sleep for a few hours. I don't anticipate seeing him until Monday morning when he returns to get a few more things that he needs to stay there for the nearly two months.

D came home from my sister's house. The time apart did us both some good. D and my sister get along incredibly well and D has become closer to my niece, now that my niece is past that annoying middle schooler age. She is going to be 16 in a couple of months and is incredibly mature for her age. When D came through the door she shared she was able to work with 2 of her 3 students that were on her schedule today for tutoring by using Zoom, so that worked out well. The other, she suspected blew off today completely.

D wasn't home very long and was going to her BF's family's house for the evening. Her BF has a tournament tomorrow, weather permitting so she might be here part of the day, but she wasn't sure.

D asked me about a text I sent her and she started laughing at me. I admitted I had woken up during the early hours, concerned about S and found myself searching for dogs to adopt. She gave me this knowing look. Yah- okay. I admit it. I know that the puppy is going to be moving out next week. When I was walking with my sister the other day there were people out with their dogs. I miss walking with the dog. It calmed me. As much as, I don't want the responsibility, I also think I like the idea of having a walking companion. The cats won't put up with a leash and walks - LOL. I found a puppy, which shocked me because I was really not thinking puppy. Heck, I really wasn't thinking dog. 

The puppy, she is a rescue and who knows what will happen with the application at this point or if she is even still available. She is another lab, but a mix. The bigger shock was D's response. She was telling me she wanted to be part of the process if we were ready. She had very specific ideas. This little fur ball must have given her the same feeling. But - again - we will see if it is meant to be.

With both kids gone tonight it seems strange. Not bad. Just a different calm, TBH.

I am going to focus on some things around the house this weekend, with the quiet. I have been boxing up things for C for his house. He is nervous but also excited about having a place of his own. My parents, they look forward to having their own space back on the one hand, but I also know they have been so grateful to have him there. This morning, he was up at 4 am and had plowed the driveway for them and shoveled the sidewalk before coming to my house and doing the same thing. My M likes having someone to take care of and I think in many ways, my parents have begun to think of C like an additional grandchild of sorts. In many ways, my sister noted, he actually reminds her of my F's best friend who died nearly 3 years ago - the man that left my sister and I his estate. Her observation was an interesting one - and C has been a blessing in many ways to all of us. For me, he has reminded me that I am very fortunate to have what I do have. I shouldn't take it for granted. And, I have become accustomed to him coming through the door and calling me his nickname for me. I don't replace his M, but I am as close to one as he has.

If the weather behaves, I will get out and take a walk with the puppy. She can handle half way up the road if it is a bit warmer and we put her sweater on her. I know she won't protest. I had to practically drag her back inside this morning. A walk would do us both a world of good, I suspect. 

[xyzcf]

There must be something in the air for I too had a strong urge to get another dog this week. I lost my girl last April. I want the freedom to go more places but with COVID that continues to be quite restrictive.

When I got Kaci 11 years ago, I had no plans to move but 11 years older and I am not sure how long I'll stay in this house with the back yard..and I like labs so that could be a problem if I downsized.

But she was always by my side and I am finding it really really hard ....I always knew in the past when it was time to get a dog and I will know this time when it's the right time.

What color is the puppy?

[forthetrees]

Beware- once you start looking at the pup/dog adoption pages you are just a hair´s breadth away from a pooch in your abode. I got my current one a month after losing my longtime pooch and it was Jan. of 2020. He´s been an amazing buddy but I do now wonder how we´ll/I´ll get in lots of traveling once covid subsides.

[MourningDove]

xyzcf & forthetrees -

We had to put our chocolate lab down in May. She had been with us for 13 years and got all of us through some tough moments.

I think it has been a combination of thoughts for me that has prompted this idea of maybe getting another dog. I don't miss the hair and mud that the lab dragged in. I haven't missed the responsibility - well I didn't while I had the house full of extra kids during the initial pandemic shutdown.

But, I miss having a dog to walk with. Immensely. I think seeing all of the dogs out on the trail the other day solidified that. Having the puppy here has also given me some sense of looking forward to seeing a face at the window to greet me when I come home. This puppy I am watching is not the breed for me. She is too much energy and made my very energetic lab look like a couch potato. So, a dog with an Australian Cattle dog lineage is not in my future. I have agreed to watch her from time to time while they renovate C's house, but I am ready for break from her. LOL

I have gone back and forth, because the concerns I have are not being able to just go places. But, I have 2 cats right now, so no matter what I would have to arrange for someone to care for them. It is certainly a thought that popped in my head as well.

I think with S now officially moving out and D at college most of the time I can see that my load of responsibilities is easing up. And I know my F would love another dog but there is no way that is happening. My M dotes on this puppy now. Having seen people out walking their dogs along the trail made me long for that. For one, in the past the dog gave me a sense of security. I am resistant to walk even along our road by myself now. The trails I like going on away from home are perfect for a canine companion.

I honestly wasn't really looking yet. Pondering and wondering what was out there. And I wasn't thinking puppy at all. But, the one's available around my area either didn't get along with kids or with cats. My neighbors have grandchildren who loved coming to play with the lab. I can't risk having a dog that doesn't respond well to kids. And, well the cats - they loved the lab. They are not sure about this puppy, but that is because she is an older puppy and when they have encountered a smaller puppy, they have put it in it's place quickly and they have bonded with them. That has carried over when they come back and visit as adult dogs. This puppy is just too wound up, although George batted her in the face one day without his claws, so she leaves him alone most of the time.

So, up popped up this little golden lab mix and something just made me think more seriously about it.

IDK. If she isn't available, then I am not going on a hot pursuit. I know it is a long term commitment, that is for sure. I don't ditch things that I commit to. But, I am going to find the dog that makes sense for me or I connect with.

This morning, I woke up and realized that I was truly alone. D will be here during the day today and next week, but her weekends she is usually at her BF's family's house. She opted not to go and sit at the day long tournament. She sometimes goes to keep the score book records, but they had enough help. She is actually relieved to not have an activity scheduled and called to tell me she was going to go to the city nearby to look for something she needs for work. S is at Xh's and I talked to his GF. She said he is completely wiped out and still sleeping.

My parents wanted me to go with them for their morning ritual of going and getting coffee this morning, but I begged off. I am taking advantage of being alone and actually tackling things that can get done without interruption from someone coming through the door. I said to my sister last night that it has been so long since I have been able to actually accomplish a full project on the house without interruption. Little things like cleaning the fridge out and washing it down seems almost impossible at times because people are always coming in and needing things.

The winds picked up and it is very cold at the moment. The sun is hiding behind the clouds at the moment, but keeps peeking out. The forecast says by mid afternoon it will be out full force. If it warms up enough, I will take puppy out for a walk. Tomorrow is supposed to be considerably warmer and sunny as well. Maybe I will be able to get myself back into walking more regularly. Last time I got so addicted to walking, I walked during blizzard type weather, but I know better than doing that with this dog. She is not built for that type of adventure. LOL

[xyzcf]

I know it is a long term commitment, that is for sure. I don't ditch things that I commit to.

Made me smile.

My Kaci was 2 1/2 years when I got her so I did not have to go through any of the puppy stuff which was nice. I would do that again.

I too see so many dogs when I am out walking. I have had sitters stay in my home as Kaci was blind and then had dementia but that ended up being a disaster at time. Last weekend I spoke to a couple out walking their boy and they recommended a kennel out in the country that has tons of outdoor space and if your dog is accepted, they can be outside roaming around safely.

Because my daughter lives in another country, I am always away at Christmas and it has been hard to find pet siting at that time.

FTT:

but I do now wonder how we´ll/I´ll get in lots of traveling once covid subsides.

Unlike 95 % of the people in my state, I have spent much of COVID times alone. Various reasons, my infectious disease background, my connection to Canada which has been much much stricter regarding staying away from others.... I feel myself slipping..hard to explain but I was feeling much better and more alive 2 years ago. Presently I have been in self imposed lockdown since mid Dec.

As much as I would love an animal I seem rather unable to figure out what I want really except some human companionship and some of the activities I enjoyed pre-COVID to be back.

Mainly, as I said before, I have a big yard and should I move, it will be to a place that is much less work and I don't know when that will be if ever for I find it difficult to make changes in my life..it is like COVID has me stuck in quicksand and I can barely move forward.

Interestingly, I have taken care of my therapist's dog for her. He's a puppy and high high energy but he does make me smile.

FTT:

Beware- once you start looking at the pup/dog adoption pages you are just a hair´s breadth away from a pooch in your abode

I hear you but I am drawn to the Lab Rescue organization that I got Miss Kaci from and "fear" that if I see the one I am think I would like, it will be a done deal. Fortunately I have to first be interviewed and have a home inspection done before I can get "approved" to adopt so until I take that step, I am "safe".

[MourningDove]

xyzcf - I am glad I made you smile. 

I will see where the application process takes me. I am not holding my breath at this point. We will see. If it happens or it is the right dog or time, I will know.

I have not been terribly productive the past couple of days. I have gotten things done, but I won't say that I accomplished what I really wanted to get done. But, I am okay with it. I spent last night relaxing in the kitchen for quite a long time, with a glass of wine and a homemade Chinese vegetable soup I had prepared. I quite enjoyed slicing the vegetables and just listening to music. It was nice to have the kitchen not full of additional activity with the kids, who usually take over the kitchen, as it is the place everyone seems to gather in the house.

This morning, I spent the morning talking to C, who had surprised me late last night. He meant to send a text, but had forgotten to hit send and after midnight was at the door. He had forgotten his key to my parent's house and his plans to say at a friend's last night changed. He made the right decision based on what he told me and he apologized for scaring me at first. He slept on the couch and this morning, we had a nice discussion. He told me more about his mom when he saw I was not using half and half in my coffee this morning and had my milk frother going. He was intrigued as to what it was. I told him I had been doing that all spring and summer instead of half and half and I am trying to make some little changes in my life again along with reducing some stress.

C, as he told me about his M said he was glad I was taking care of myself because he couldn't handle another person who is like a M to him have a stroke or heart attack at a young age. He had never told me before the details about her death beyond that she had fallen and then went into a coma. After hearing his story, he paused and asked me since he doesn't have an emergency contact in the area, would I at least consider being that person for him. He said he knew it was a big request.

I didn't hesitate and told him I know how jarring it is to suddenly find yourself having to fill out paperwork and realize things like you aren't sure who to put in those documents. I explained that after my divorce, I had to think about my parents and their age and the kids at the time were both in college, so it was a bit sobering at times to think about the "heaven forbid" scenarios.

He and the other friend were going to go visit S today. He told me before he left that he really was very curious about something. He asked if Xh had always been so manipulative. I must have looked shocked and asked what he meant. C said that every time he has seen Xh there always seems to be this "angle" that benefits him that he said always feels like there is a condition or something else at play. I sighed and said it wasn't always that way, but I have the same feeling about this whole trip that Xh is taking and having S stay at the cottage. I told him it continues to perplex me, as that was not the F the kids knew or the man I was married to.

He started to go out the door and then paused. He smiled and asked if I would watch the "grand puppy" today. I told him that we would be outside playing in the snow drifts later. Which we did. Had it not been so cold today, I honestly was really considering building a giant snowman. The snow was perfect for that type of activity. I am sure that would have had people talking. "What is that crazy divorced artist doing now?". LOL