[UrsaMajor]

"What is that crazy divorced artist doing now?". LOL

Aside from whacking bears with a penguin flipper?

Seriously though...



All that background "stuff" that goes on, especially when the MLC'er is in the background tossing poo-grenades over the wall at us, even indirectly, can certainly be a valid reason to be a little short-fused.... even when we don't want to be, even when it really isn't in our basic nature... add to it that we are unable to target the object of our discontent directly and it does tend to eat at us a bit over time...

This then manifests itself in ways that we are not so happy to experience... but at least a bit of thoughtful reflection can help us to isolate the causes and pin them down so we can work through it and not go around indiscriminately whacking people with penguin flippers... or 2x4s.....

Interesting that C sees the manipulation so clearly... and no wonder GWPWELFV thinks that S moving in with C is a bad idea... MLC'ers don't much cotton to people who can see through their BS... I just hope that for S, the move gives him a different perspective without it causing issues for them/him later... S does seem to be seeing the manipulation for himself though - it just seems that he is more reticent to call a spade a spade..

As for the GWPWELFV driving off in a storm...

Why am I not surprised? Is he expecting people to check up on him to make sure he is OK? If so, who?

[Treasur]

Your collective kindness to C has turned out to be a real blessing, hasn’t it? Funny how often that turns out to be so. (Well for non-MLCers lol).

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor & Treasur - C has been a blessing for all of us, TBH. It is humbling at times to see all that the kids and I do have. And he is really such a good kid. He works hard and has such a pure heart.

For me, it has provided some good conversations that sometimes help me to really think about my own role and that I have had the opportunity to protect my kids. Not everyone gets that. Maybe I need to be reminded in my moments of being so frustrated. And for this kid to ask me to be his emergency contact is not some imposition. I wouldn't do it for just anyone and I know how much trust he must have in me to even request that.

S actually laughed at me this afternoon. He had come to check on me and he saw one of my French presses in the box for the house. S doesn't drink coffee nor does his GF.  I have 3, only because back when FIL lived with us, he drank tons of coffee and my F would stop by for decaf in the afternoon. I had all 3 pots going most days. S also knows those particular stainless French press pots were hard to come by. But, one morning C asked me with great interest how I made my coffee. He had never seen a French press and since then he has made it regularly on the mornings he and S have cooked breakfast. On Sunday, he had prepared the coffee as I made breakfast and said he really liked the whole process and can see why I find it relaxing every morning. So, I explained to S that I figured I didn't need 3 of them anymore and C, seeing as how he appreciates coffee and the whole zen process I have going on deserves his own process in the morning too. Now, he just needs the tea kettle for boiling water, the grinder, and a milk frother 

The reason S stopped to check on me was because I did a thing - as in something so incredibly stupid late yesterday afternoon. I was upstairs bringing some laundry downstairs and was on my way to move things around in the dining nook. I had decided to move all of S's things out into the living room and to move the other things and organize them in the dining nook for now so that it made some sense. It also was going to allow me to open that dining nook up to be able to access those things I would need as I reassemble the bathroom. I had a plan. On my way by my closet I spotted a pair of flip flops that I had thought I had gotten rid of. I slid them on with every intention of throwing them out because they always caught on the rug or other things. I found myself so busy, I hadn't taken them off. I was moving the sinks I have for the bathroom. I still haven't settled on which one will stay and which one S and C can have for the house. I was walking towards the heavier one, tripped and fell into the sink. I caught myself on the book shelf so I didn't fall down all the way, but I slammed my shin into the sink. It immediately had a goose egg that was the size of a golf ball. I iced it immediately and it was the size of a lime by the late evening. Urgent care was closed. I decided not to go to the emergency room and soaked in a tub with Epsom salts and then iced it again. This morning, it was rather sore, but I was able to walk on it and go to my mammogram.

After I left that appointment I felt pain in the back of my leg as well. So, I called my GP who wanted to send me for X-rays. She was worried I have a hairline fracture or something going on. It could be nothing, but she didn't want me walking around on it for days without an X-ray. I was waiting on that when they called back to say the insurance wouldn't cover it unless I come in for an office visit. That means tomorrow morning. Sigh. So, I have been behaving myself all day and grumbling to myself under my breath at how stupid I feel. S saw the bump and shook his head. He didn't go back to work and called to tell his boss he was going to babysit me and do some research for some parts instead that he was going to do tomorrow.

After S did his work, he and I talked about my bed frame that I had offered to give him. He asked me again if I was sure. I had been so proud of that bed when I bought it for myself. It was after Xh. I found this beautiful Mission style sleigh bed made of solid oak. It is insanely heavy and I brought it home and put it all together by myself. I remember S laughing at me when he and D came home and saw I had managed to figure out a way to assemble this queen sized frame by myself. And I do love that bed. But, S wanted a bed with a headboard. He likes to watch TV or read and have something to lean against. When I bought my bed frame, I hadn't considered the alcove I like to put the bed under and I was continually regretting having a footboard to maneuver around as the alcove has the slanted ceilings.

I told him today that I was certain that he should have the bed. He said he would take apart the bed frame for me today and swap out that frame with his. His is just a simple queen sized metal frame and I can either get a headboard or buy a new bed at some point, but it will give me an opportunity to think about the bedroom and that space. I was sorry to see my bed go. I hand't really thought about what it had meant to me, purchasing that on my own. It had been a big step in my healing process and ridding my bedroom of the things Xh left behind.

He slid the metal frame under my bed and it made me feel a little melancholy at first, and yet there was something rather exciting about it TBH. Maybe it is time for a new bed frame and that was my transitional piece. It sort of feels as if now maybe I can truly no longer associate that bed with MLC at all, even though Xh never laid eyes on it.

And, in some ways, I am looking towards some of the changes going on with a different thought process too. I am trying to adjust my perspective and push myself out of this languishing and bit of limbo.

As I gathered up the sheets to put on the bed, S plopped down in the chair in my room and started telling me about his first weekend at Xh's. Hmmmm

The other day, S had made a comment that made me bite back a bit. He had said he wanted to live a simpler life like Xh. I asked what he meant. He went on to explain that Xh has fewer possessions and just it seems simpler. It hit me the wrong way. Rightfully so based on the direction of the conversation. I explained that it is all well and good, except I wanted to point out to S that Xh left me with a lot of things he left behind in his quest for "simplicity" and I am still cleaning out things that are not mine and never were. I was left with Xh's things, including some of his crazy repairs to make right. I still have Xh's artwork that I have for the kids to look through. I have gotten rid of most of FIL's things and I have things left from MIL that both kids have yet to decide if they want. I reminded S that we were left with Xh's clothes and things in the garage and on and on. S laughed and said "and he left the pets and his family". Yah, and there is that mess - LOL.

Today, S was frustrated. He said he was too quick to judge Xh's simple life and think it was the way to go. His list of complaints had me laughing. If I thought Xh had a grand life, I am wrong. He is living like a college student. Maybe that works for him - IDK. I don't need a lot, but little things are making S very grateful. He informed me today that he realizes now how damn hard I have worked to make life more comfortable. Hmmmm. He said that the appliances I bought are certainly better than what Xh has decided are sufficient. A stove where one burner only really works. He did fix the hot water and cold water mix up in the shower, so that is good. S said that Xh only has 2 forks, 2 knives and 2 spoons. He asked me why not at least 4 of each? He said but that wasn't what bugged him. He went to wash the dishes because well when you only have that many utensils you have to wash them and there was no dish soap or sponge or cloth to wash them. S said he spoke to Xh and asked what was up with that. Xh said he uses hand soap and his hands to wash the dishes. S was mortified. Xh used to be such a neat freak. That would have never flown.

I got up right away as S said he was going to stop and buy things. I shook my head and told him that wasn't necessary. I opened up one of the boxes I had already packed this weekend for the move. I had gone through and gleaned down my hand towels and wash cloths. I had sponges and extra dish soap set aside for their big move. S smiled and gave me a big hug.

When he left, I sat and thought about how I need to keep working on my reset. I really got off track for a bit with my mood. It doesn't matter what Xh is doing or what he is up to. He is clearly not the man I knew and maybe he is happy. It doesn't matter in regards to my own path. Yup. I had to fight for what I have now. I may have to fight along the way, but I don't have to fight him anymore. That is the part that I think has been hard to wrap my head around. I logically know the support ending in August cut that tie, but I have become so used to having to deal with Xh, that I don't think it really set in.

I thought about it today. I need to remind myself that even with the MLCer repairs, that I need to tell myself that they are like repairs left by the previous owner.

I came across my little note card that reads "the problem is not the problem; the problem is your attitude about the problem". I had been thinking about my grandmother earlier today. I found that card near her gravesite and always wondered why it was there. Maybe it falling about of my book by my bed today was her reminding me and kicking me in the butt again. I need to change my attitude about some of the things that I have been stumbling over. Sort of like my pesky flip flops - some of these things, like attitudes maybe need tossed. 

[UrsaMajor]

S said that Xh only has 2 forks, 2 knives and 2 spoons. He asked me why not at least 4 of each? He said but that wasn't what bugged him. He went to wash the dishes because well when you only have that many utensils you have to wash them and there was no dish soap or sponge or cloth to wash them. S said he spoke to Xh and asked what was up with that. Xh said he uses hand soap and his hands to wash the dishes.

Sorry (and yes, Hades Bus, here I come) but this reminded me of a joke.....


The young man from the city went to visit his Grandfather in his Grandfathers mountain cabin
The cabin was a bit run-down, had no electricity, water came in from a nearby stream, one might call it "rustic," especially in comparison to what the young man was used to but it was quiet and peaceful in the mountains and the young man was really quite keen on the idea as he walked up to the door.
That evening, the young man's Grandfather made them both dinner and, as he was setting the table, the young man noted that the dishes and glasses were somewhat... well..... his idea of "clean" was different. He remarked to his Grandfather than the dishes needed a good washing.
Grandfather replied, "Son, we're a ways in up in the mountains, ain't got no electric or gas up here and the woods for heating the cabin and the occasional bath so them dishes is as clean as Cold Water can get 'em."
The young man nodded and said "OK." He could understand that such "amenities" were in short supply this far away from the city....
Grandfather told the young man that he'd do the washing up and that the young man should go get his bed situated and his clothes hung up so the young man went and did what his Grandfather recommended. That night the young man slept soundly with the fresh, clean mountain air coming in the window.
The next morning, at breakfast, the young man again noted that the dishes were kind of yucky and there were definitely dried remainders of food stuck to them. He pointed this out to his Grandfather who again told him that they were far away from civilization and that the dishes were as clean as cold water could get them.
That morning, Grandfather sent the young man out with his old truck, a saw and an axe to get some firewood because he knew that they'd be needing it before too long so the young man took off for the forest and began to saw and chop.  That afternoon, the young man, tired form getting all the firewood but proud of the hard day's work he had put in, drove back to the cabin. As he was getting out of the truck, he was suddenly startled by the site of a HUGE black dog running at him, growling and barking.
The young man starts yelling and his grandfather comes around the corner of the cabin, takes one look at the situation and yells, "Hey, Coldwater! You leave that boy alone! He's family!"

Meet Coldwater

[MourningDove]

Oh, UrsaMajor - I read that whole joke. And how...how...how, did I not see that punchline coming? LOL. Funny thing - I have to constantly check for the puppy when I have the dishwasher door open to check for a puppy who thinks the prewash cycle is her job. Worse is when she sneaks in and I find her trying out the freshly cleaned dishes. And for the record - if that little puppy tongue touches any of the dishes, I am running the whole load again. Sorry, but you will not see me sharing an ice cream cone with any of my pets or anything else, at least while I am still eating it.

I think what I found most fascinating and made me shake my head a bit was the fact that when Xh left the house, he sorted through the cookbooks and took all of the ones that were specifically for entertaining. He explicitly told me during one of his rants that he would be hosting all sorts of soirees with important friends and I would never be invited. At the time, it was not the part that he would host a party without me that hurt so much. I don't really like big parties anyways and names and titles don't impress me all that much. I am much more impressed by a person for their character, etc. But, at the time the hardest part to absorb was the hurt he inflicted by essentially going on to tell me I didn't deserve to be invited and I wasn't as good as his friends, etc. I was less than.

I am now thinking how those words cut and yet, I never was impressed by those "friends" to begin with. It was simply the overall cruel manner in which Xh made sure I knew I was not going to be part of his life. Then he would turn and be nice for a bit. All the while, I would fall into that momentary trap of thinking he was backing off of his venomous spew. My "hypnosis" would only last long enough for him to take more things and then I would realize he had taken some of the serving dishes and the better wine glasses, etc. All for the sake of entertaining.

It never was the material things that upset me. Now, there is a certain irony in the speeches Xh gave and it would seem those big events have not occurred at all. Just fantasies of a life he, at the time wanted. But then, he also at one point dreamt of taking the kids, homeschooling them and sailing around the world. Great romantic notion, except, IDK - my sailing abilities were limited to a lake and in a considerably smaller boat. His experience was less than that. So, I am not entirely sure of how realistic that fantasy was. 

Then there was the desire to sell everything and build housing in 3rd world countries. Noble idea. But then it would be about 2 weeks later he showed up in the luxury convertible he had purchased and was planning a trip to Bali with friends.

It boils down to looking back now, at the time I was caught up in all of his continual changing thoughts just trying to either be logical and rational with him sometimes. Or spinning myself just trying to keep up.

I don't miss that at all.

This new revelation that Xh is living the way he is maybe more of a confirmation that he isn't exactly living the way he thought he was. It is not about me looking over and getting any pleasure out of it, TBH. It is maybe realizing that S is getting a really good dose of reality and that is a bit hard to witness. But, I am not the one presenting the hard truth. If Xh is happy. Great. For myself, I don't crave a lot of material things, but I also am not wanting to go to those extremes. S called today again and I can hear that this house sitting venture is already wearing on him.

I was at the doctor's office this morning. I saw someone new in the practice, as my regular PA was booked. He was pleasant and I think because I didn't come in all sad and showing how much pain I was in may have thrown him. The nurse that I have seen for years peeked in and laughed saying to the doctor that I was one of the favorite patients over the years because I am so pleasant and to not let my demeanor fool him. She noted if I was in that office beyond my usual routine visits, I was either really sick or was having some type of pain. He seemed to take her words to heart. He took one look at the mark on my shin and said that it was definitely very swollen. I had told him that last night it was incredibly painful to put the weight of the blankets on my leg and it was very sore overall. He pressed on some areas on my leg that made me sort of wince. I was sent for an X-ray. So far I haven't heard any differently, but he is pretty sure I bruised a bone, which I hadn't considered. I am not happy about it, that is for sure. He informed me it will most likely take several weeks to heal and I am to mind my activity. As in, walking is fine, as long as I don't over do it. Rest and icing, etc. UGH.

I left there and picked up the prescription he sent for stronger ibuprofen for bedtime. Again. UGH. I hate taking anything, but I know I need to be able to sleep.

I felt so stupid for tripping and with the flip flops I knew needed to go out. LOL

I went to order coffee at the grocery store and saw my F was sitting in the cafe area. He was visiting with some of his usual crew, but there was a woman there I have seen before who I have never met, but I know she knows my parents. My F saw me and waved me over. I sat down and heard my F speaking with this woman in French. I could understand most of it and I was laughing as they were talking about origins of words. My F loves language in general. He used to teach my sister and I about words all the time. I spoke to the woman in French but told her I was not going to even begin to try and keep up with their conversation because my own French skills are very rusty. My F had to leave to meet my M, but the woman asked me if I could stay and visit. I smiled and said I would be glad to take some time to do that and drink my coffee.

I found out she lives in an assisted living facility and comes there every Tuesday. She rides the bus with the others, but she still drives and often takes drives on backroads to clear her head or to get away. I laughed when she said she knows other's think she is foolish. I told her I completely understood. LOL. She mentioned she is not a person who lets everyone in- that there are levels. I asked her if they were like rings or inner circles. Her eyes got big and she said "precisely". We sat for an hour and just chatted. It was like seeing what I might be like when I am in my later years. There was this odd comfort, yet there were other things that made me pause and realize that there were things that she said that I so want to hang on to. She loves to still go dancing and does with her BF. I know who that man is - he lives near my own home, actually. Very nice man. But, there were a couple of things that made me pause and realize that she has been deeply hurt is my guess, by a situation.

She told me not to let people in too deeply because you can't trust people - especially women. She alluded to a best friend who you tell everything to and that they get too close and they are only after your man. I sort of smiled and said I had some experience with losing a H, not to a friend, but I understand that hurt.

She was full of advice and most of it I was really liking hearing. She had a twinkle in her eye the whole time and she told me how she tries to see only positives and not to focus on what is wrong in life, because most of what life has to offer is pretty remarkable. I would later find out from my F that she used to hike and go places before she was not able to do as much.

Before I left, she asked me if I would sit with her again on a Tuesday if I was there. I told her I would gladly do that and consider it an honor, considering I know that is not something she offers lightly. She smiled at me and told me I clearly understand her.

And, I did.

That hour was really delightful, TBH. But, I thought about this bit of trust she mentioned. I don't want to close people off. I believe in my inner circles and they work for me. I know I might get hurt by those who are closest to me at times, but aside from Xh and I will call that circumstantial more than his core operating, but the rest of those people I have let get the closest to me, I trust. With their trust, I also hold secrets that only I may know and I know how precious those things are.

Even though Xh is no longer part of that inner circle - and one of the only people that I have ever pushed out of that circle - I would never tell anyone things maybe he told me in confidence. It was never anything salacious or damaging, but things that only I knew - as far as I know. I can't vouch for what OW knows. But I do know that no matter how angry I am with Xh at times, I would never use those things to somehow hurt him in a need for vengeance.

This conversation about trust with this woman is making me think though. I am not criticizing her for her reasons for shutting people out and keeping a boundary. I don't know what pain she has experienced and won't pry. But, for me, I would rather feel hurt and take the risk of trusting people. My intuition is pretty good most of the time and I don't like pain, or causing other's pain. I just realize in order to maybe be in a relationship, which is what I know I want, that it is a risk I will have to take. I don't want to set those boundaries with everyone. This woman seems very happy with her choice to do so. I know, while she and I seem to be kindred spirits on some levels, I don't see that working for me.

[JohnnyBravo]

On my way by my closet I spotted a pair of flip flops that I had thought I had gotten rid of. I slid them on with every intention of throwing them out because they always caught on the rug or other things. I found myself so busy, I hadn't taken them off.

At some point, I realized that 95% of my project mishaps started with, "I'll just finish this one thing, and THEN I'll go pee."

Knock that stuff off, MD!

(And, OUCH!)

[MourningDove]

At some point, I realized that 95% of my project mishaps started with, "I'll just finish this one thing, and THEN I'll go pee."

Knock that stuff off, MD!

(And, OUCH!)

Hahaha - I know that problem too - the "I'll just finish this one thing…" Yup - that is usually when it all goes bad.
Not to worry. I really don't plan on going for any more mishaps. This one is a doozy. It hurts almost as much as when I broke my arm years ago in terms of the tenderness and achy feeling after being up and around for a while. But, I am planning on walking with my sister on Thursday if the weather permits. But no icy walkways nor hills. Probably not the full 6 miles or more either. Exercise, I was told was okay - just no crazy stuff.

My velociraptors - aka my kids -find that this is particularly funny that this mishap did not occur wearing stilettos in the snow and everywhere else I wear them. No - I go for flip flops. Which for anyone who really knows me well, it is all too appropriate. I never do anything in a "normal manner". Nope. If I am going to get hurt, it won't be downhill skiing. I have to make it unusual so I can laugh about it later. Or give my kids something to pick on me about at a later date. LOL

Not only do my kids find that quite funny - my coworker at the gallery, the gallery owner, the students and a couple of regular customers were all in shock when I came hobbling in and wearing - gasp - sneakers. Yes, I do own several pair of sneakers - for the record.  They were hesitant to laugh at first until my coworker, who I adore and she and I laugh all the time at stupid things, couldn't contain her giggles. Yup - I did this in all things - flip flops - inside the house. Not on ice. Not toddling around on stilettos. Flip flops. I am tempted to pull them out of the garbage and launch them with the trap launcher and have my S or C use them as if they were clay "pigeons."

So, I will have a very different wardrobe for a few weeks. No stilettos for MD anytime soon. And some of my boots are out because of the swelling in the shin area. No flip flops of any kind will be on my list. So, it is going to be a very creative time for outfits.

My F thought he would really be a smarty pants and offered up several options for me. He had broken his leg a couple of years ago and found that my grandmother's walker was fantastic instead of crutches. Or he said they have the modified wheelchair cart thingy that my grandmother used in storage. He said he has some fantastic antique canes. D thought she could chime in and she has crutches as well and a full array of "boots" from her ankle injury that she was going to donate, but I was in luck because she has not done that yet. Mind you, they were telling me this as they all were practically crying they were laughing so hard. Then came the comment my F made about how much he liked driving the electric cart around the grocery store. (He did actually find that rather fun at the time). Uh huh. So helpful these family members - LOL. But, I don't need any of those items.

I have strict instructions. Don't over do it. Rest. Elevate my leg and ice it from time to time. I am not loving these rules. 

I took the puppy outside and she is not too happy with me. She is not sure she likes these new rules either. Fortunately, she loves the zap collar. Before anyone goes on a rant about zap collars, we trained her with the beep, not the zap. She associates the collar with times when she can run like a lunatic around the property at full speed and she knows the beep means she is getting too close to doing something she shouldn't. She is actually very responsive to commands - which isn't a surprise with her breed. But, when I am outside with her we usually have the leash on which means a walk or with the collar she is used to me playing chase or running around throwing things. I was staying in the same place and she would come back with the ball, but she wasn't exactly loving this new trick where I remain in one spot. Fortunately S and then D both took her out when they came home. C took her out after dinner and ran her around. But, when she came back in, I got the side eye from her. LOL

What all of this means is I am going to have to now ask for help with things. Rather funny, considering now during the day, I am alone most of the time. I laughed saying I started last year out this way - almost a year ago to the day and was laid up for 12 weeks. I am not liking this tradition - gotta say. LOL

The positives - hmmmm- I need to focus on those. I guess it means I will force myself to do some other things. Maybe I will focus on my artwork more because I can sit if I need to. I can still drive - fortunately, although not long drives as it is my right leg. I don't have to have a cast and it is confirmed it is not a break, so that is a plus. Hmmmm- I have a real excuse to start a fire in the fire pit and put my feet up and relax. Oh, this could be fun - I may have to just come up with all sorts of reasons to embrace this flip flop mishap. 

[UrsaMajor]

<snort>

[MadLuv]

[This new revelation that Xh is living the way he is maybe more of a confirmation that he isn't exactly living the way he thought he was. It is not about me looking over and getting any pleasure out of it, TBH. It is maybe realizing that S is getting a really good dose of reality and that is a bit hard to witness [/quote]
That is hardest thing to witness from the outside of the relationship. Is the kids having to see a new reality and have to question their own reality on a parent so changed.

Wonder how your XH parties are going? Seems if he can’t figure out how to accurately wash a dish, organizing amazing parties may be far from his own reality. Lol. And as far as what OW knows? What she knows is not much. She has a broken man. I don’t think these MLCers ever reveal themselves  again after they leave. They dkn’t know who they are.

[MourningDove]

Wow, UrsaMajor - you went there - LOL

TornupNOMORE - I honestly am not too worried about what XH tells OW or doesn't. At one point, I know XH confided in OW because he thought they were soul mates, and blah, blah, blah. She knew everything about him from what he told me. Now, IDK what that really meant and it really makes no difference in terms of my own situation. Broken or not - those are Xh's secrets to share or not with whomever he now chooses. Whether they are true or not, also is not my concern. Beyond that, it only matters if those things affect me or the kids.

I think what I was trying to get across was that no matter what - it's about how I treat trust. I had a very hard time with the trust being broken to begin with. I also had a difficult time having to use some information to protect myself or the kids during the divorce. I don't like that there is a box of "evidence" that I have stowed away that keeps me safe from OW's antics. I never wanted to have that stuff to begin with and I don't like having it in my possession. Those are all things that are against my core. So, the thought yesterday was that I know Xh's parents used all their secrets they confided in one another against one another. I didn't understand it then and while I can see how it happens, I just will never operate that way. No matter how mad I get with Xh or disgusted - I still take some pride in being one to keep that trust safe on certain things even when Xh may not hold those as dearly. I feel that way about anyone I let into that inner most ring in my life. I guard them in such a fearless, protective manner. And it is not some thing that I somehow want to brag about. This is about my own core and being true to my own character.

It is also about the fear of allowing life to make me put up more walls to protect myself. That is what I gather this woman has done. I don't criticize her for it, for I don't know what her life brought her. I have no way of knowing what my life will bring me. Yet, right now, while I really enjoyed my time with her, I don't want to become that shut off from people. For a person like myself who operates on that whole inner circle aspect of how I let people in, it becomes a possibility to throw a wall up on that inner ring. And, I don't want that. I would rather open my heart and risk being hurt than to close people out.

My day today started out with a hair appointment and then lunch with S. He was telling me that Xh informed him that S should be nice to me and understanding about how long the renovations are taking. S assured me he hasn't been complaining to Xh. S thought it was odd Xh was bringing this up while they were on the phone last night. Of course, my jaded thought was it is because he is staying at BIL's and it wouldn't surprise me that this was for show. But, who knows? No matter what it was rather amusing as Xh's great realization was that "it takes so much longer to do these things when you don't have someone there who is willing to help you out". S looked at me and knew what had to be going through my head - he rolled his eyes and laughed. Yah- you think?

It was not a long conversation nor one that needed to continue.

S grabbed the mail and handed me a handwritten envelope. The penmanship was stunning. Gotta admit. Not loving the contents. It was from some woman who I don't know but she knew who I was a divorced woman - which certainly can be obtained by public records - and my soul needs saved. And she was not exactly kind about it. Wow.

There is something so offensive to me about those types of approaches. It is making assumptions and judgments about people you do not know. She can believe whatever she wants to believe. But, had I received that letter many months ago during my lowest point, I don't think it would have inspired me to find whatever religion she is trying to sell me. And, I am not anti-religion. We all have our beliefs. Frankly, when someone is at their lowest point, I could see that approach ending very differently and not in a positive direction.

So, this letter, really made me sort of want to write a letter back to this woman and say that quite frankly, I am less inclined to even consider her beliefs if this is her approach. If she is the brand ambassador for her church, their marketing approach is flawed.  But, I will leave it alone. I threw out the letter and know that this is not worth my energy.

The irony is perhaps that my divorce actually is what prompted me to revisit my own spiritual side. I have and still pray, but I am much more in tune with my own spiritual side when I am in nature. I find my own answers when I am somehow left to filter out the rest of the world. And, I used to enjoy the rituals I grew up with. But, I don't think I really found my true beliefs until I began walking in nature, way back when and it was just to save myself from self destructing.

It is part of what has been set aside in the past few months. It helped fuel my soul and it is more about if nothing else it gave me a sense of clarity or a feeling of knowing if I felt as though my instincts were leading my down the right path. I realize that it is something I really need to get back on track with. I need to not take that little activity for granted. It helped me at the very least let go of the background noise for long enough to sort out thoughts or to just find a sense of calm.

So maybe in some ways this letter is a blessing in disguise. It sort of makes me agitated enough to think "I will show you" - LOL And, no that does not mean I will be writing a letter or anything like that. Maybe it is that bit of sass showing up to kick my own butt. Now, I just have to remind myself to not over do it right now - Sigh.