I had to change my perspective. The shin injury really put me in a mindset where I could have travelled down a poor me path. I had to stop and turn back. I am still frustrated and I know it is temporary, but it felt like just another hurdle. I felt like everywhere I looked there was nothing but mountains in front of me. And perhaps there are. I know that is part of life and you have to sometimes climb up and over. I am tired. But, at some point this past weekend, after a week that had been full of little disappointments I decided to take a different approach.
I figured my desire to help out on the community project was all but done. They had a deadline of end of February. I decided Sunday night to reach out to my friend. Seems there has been a change of plans and they have a bigger project approved and now it is looking like April. I told him my shin injury makes it a bit tougher but I would love to help. He gave me the contact for the person scheduling time and he said not to worry because he saw opportunity even if I did no physical work. I had to trust him.
About an hour later my former coworker from the gallery reached out and asked if we could meet this week, after last week was a bust.
Yesterday, I set out on my full day with my boot packed, because, well, I knew I needed to behave. LOL. I walked into this space and my friend wasn't there. He had an emergency, but I was greeted by a woman who immediately felt like an old friend. A kindred spirit of sorts. When the second woman showed up, an absolute spitfire but someone I could also relate to, I realized I was where I needed to be. The three of us worked all afternoon and I laughed as they caught me climbing the bottom rung of the ladder to reach something. They yelled at me as they giggled. My friend checked in during the afternoon and they had him on speaker phone. I was working away and he started gushing about me. He is not one to behave that way unless it is sincere. He told them to ask me about some very specific things, a life that I lived in a different realm of the creative world and one I am grateful for the knowledge, but not one I want to repeat. But, I know the skills and knowledge I acquired is unique. I just often discount it's importance to my own life. That is, I often consider it rather useless information beyond being able to talk about it or discuss it when someone asks.
Perhaps part of that is because that job was not something I ended up loving. In part it was a soul sucking job on some levels, in part because of the politics involved. I loved other aspects. And part of it was I was thrown into a really bad situation to try and hold things together and had become the Executive Director overnight while still holding down the other job I had there. I was the go-to-girl. And the problem is that it was just as MLC was rolling in. It made Xh furious that I had this title. He hated I was suddenly donning suits and hopping on flights to travel leaving him to deal with FIL on his own. The kids were old enough it wasn't an issue. And it wasn't often. But every time I had a meeting every six months in the city that required me to fly out for an overnight or a couple of days for the annual conference, he would become agitated.
The last conference I attended was very memorable. He knew exactly where I was. He knew there was no cell reception in that part of the state. We had vacationed in that area countless times. And the nearest town was not a stone's throw. I would find the one spot on the compound where I could check in, but the cell service was spotty and WIFI wasn't a thing. Dial up was all they had, so that too was a crap shoot. He accused me of ignoring he and the kids because I must have been having a blast. Hardly. The beds were hard as rocks and that particular conference was not the usual team building type thing, but all about the changes coming down the pike and heavy workshops on documenting and the government mandated changes. Even our meals during that conference were laden with business. There were no hikes or retreats. The year before, it had been a different story and I had been able to share with him.
He thought so little of my job and that organization. A jealousy that I didn't realize was in fact the situation until later. I thought it was simply that he didn't think my job was anything worthy of having - it was playtime. That was a MLC viewpoint. Prior to that Xh would have been there at my side. I was there long enough to see the divorce rolling in and when they moved the largest part of my position out of the area I opted to not follow. I don't regret leaving. I miss the people I worked with.
So, yesterday the conversation came up about something very specific within that organization and I was able to shine some light on it. Then came more questions. I didn't share anything that was somehow secret, just bylaws and protocol for that type of organization. Things like the laws on donations and earmarking, etc. Where to find out certain things that are in fact public information and not hidden on purpose, just not things most people would realize have to be publicly reported. These women thought my name should be Alexa.
After being there all day, we were laughing and working our butts off. We all shared some things and I know now why my friend decided to join this team. They each have their specific skill set and respect one another.
It was what I needed. I could honestly feel as if my soul was being shaken from some deep hibernation.
In that moment one of the women mentioned where she lives full time. It is the small town where FIL is from. I laughed. What were the odds? This is a middle of no where town where I was and FIL's hometown is another state and if where I was is considered the middle of no where, then FIL's hometown is even more remote. We laughed when I said I knew where that town was, although I had never set foot there myself. In the next instant she shared something else. It was one of those things I sort of smiled and made me think of someone else. On my way home I decided the universe was having some fun. I had been trying to shake the thoughts out of my head and then there it was yet again. And it was the thing she said that was so incredibly bizarre in the sense that "what are the odds"?. I know in my heart that it is pretty odd.
I met my friend for coffee and we spent the couple of hours catching up. She looks happy. When I saw her last, she was going through a difficult time with a relationship that my other coworker and I were convinced was toxic. I was in the middle of my divorce and the aftermath. We both admitted how much happier we both are now. Things are okay even if they are tough at times.
She is with a new man and moved in with him. She mentioned where she lives and it is down the street from Xh. Turns out I mentioned to S later and her BF is friendly with XH. I laughed and said "of course". There is only one bar in town and the BF used to bartend. But, my friend invited me to come visit and meet her BF. I am not hesitating to do that. I don't care if Xh is buddies or not. Maybe it is just Xh saying it is his friend. IDC. I am going to enjoy time with my former coworker. We admitted how much we missed seeing one another and while she is way younger than I am, we get along so well.
She told me she quit her executive job and then worked a couple of places after the gallery. I asked what she was doing. She laughed and asked if I recall her side gig when she was at the gallery. I did. She said when she quit the last job she was terrified, but she felt like she had nothing left. She worked 6-7 days a week. Made great money but it came at the cost of her happiness. She said it was fine for a bit because it kept her busy and away from the former BF. She worked through that, but after a couple of years she said she just felt depleted. It didn't make her happy. So she just quit. Lived off of her savings and then asked herself when was she the happiest over the years and what did she need and want.
She came to she wanted to have time for herself. She wanted to take care of herself and her health - mental and physical. She wanted very little material items in the grand scheme. She wanted to pay her bills and be able to feel comfortable but she didn't care about the same things she once did. So, she at first took rebooted the side gig to keep afloat and she found herself just blissful. She said it grew from there and she works 9 months out of the year and has her winters off to travel.
When I left I thought about my day. I need to find what makes me happy and feeds my soul. IDK what that means in the grand scheme yet, but I know what things I don't want. I know when I have been the happiest in recent years and months. It was having laughter in my life and someone to share those little moments with. I was happy when I was using my skills and teaching or sharing while I also learned along the way. It fueled my own happiness.
This. morning my M asked about my day yesterday. I mentioned a text I had from the one woman this morning and the conversation she, the other woman and my friend had. They said I should be that organization's Executive Director. It is not a position that is open right now, but I laughed and said I wouldn't accept it anyways. I was flattered, but that job is not what I want any part of. I told her I would gladly consult them in those areas if I can come and paint some more, etc. I am going back next week. When I mentioned it to my M, she was quick to say "gosh, I hope you turn down any job like that". I was a bit shocked. It paid really well. My M right away said that no, she saw how it really took so much from my creative side and wasn't something that made me happy even without the Xh factor. It was not what I should be doing.
This morning when I briefly checked the news, I felt sick. The world has gone insane - it is confirmed. I don't have any answers to what I am going to do in the long term. I did decide that life is way too short and I am going to tunnel through some of these mountains that seem to be in my path. Oh sure, the universe may be handing my a spoon to dig my way through, but I am going to try and find a way to blast through parts of it. Yesterday, lit a spark that I have needed to reignite.
I will find ways to laugh and find my bliss. I have time now to focus more on myself. S is busy working full time and moved out for the most part. D is adding more tutoring and has plans to go away in the next few weeks to support her BF and his coaching. He has state tournaments he has been invited to. I am a free woman and this boot may slow me up a couple of more weeks, but I am not letting it stop me from doing things. I am going to figure it out.
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She's My Kind of Rain