[UrsaMajor]

Not going to go for a long walk today?



I know, I know... Hades bus....

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor - Hmmm. Maybe…long walk with a short pier.  .

I am supposed to be weaning myself off of relying on the boot. I won't complain about that idea, however, I will admit there is still some pain in the shin area and my ankle is tender. The boot provides a certain level of feeling "safe" in that I am a bit fearful of hitting that area again. I misbehaved on Tuesday, according to S. I admit I probably pushed my limits. 

I have been given the task of completely resetting the main gallery. Usually there is a theme and we have a whole calendar figured out ahead of time. But it would seem "someone" didn't think that one out. Dealing with a control freak can be exhausting, but fortunately most of the time I listen and then mentally throw out the information that is basically useless simply because I have learned with this same "someone" that for one, the story changes on a whim and often they get into controlling something else and completely move on to something else. It is easier to let them think it was their idea in the first place, my coworker and I have found. And, frankly at the end of the day, I don't care and most times people know the truth. I just want to do my job and do it well. I am actually grateful my coworker is coming in on Monday when I am here alone to visit me. She can't officially come back to work yet, but she said she would bring coffee and I told her she can boss me around and tell me if things are straight, etc.

Without a theme it is left for me to pull from the existing work that is here, which is somewhat sparse now for a variety of reasons. It makes it tough to come up with something that looks cohesive. But, that also means it opens up for possibilities. I am bringing in some new pieces and may try and knock out a large painting this weekend. D is busy all weekend and S is working on the house with C. They are trying to finish both S's room and C's bedroom so they can move in some things and start getting settled.

S leaves Monday for his trip. He clearly is not looking forward to this particular trip now. There has been no mention of if there will be any type of service or if the drive back will include a stop to bury BIL. And S muttered he knows Xh will be all about S doing all the driving on the way back. I shrugged and said to S that he can tell his F "no" and S rolled his eyes and laughed. Oh right, we are dealing with the crisis version who will be coming off of weeks of no doubt putting on a good show along with the other siblings who will behave like they all get along and are one big happy family (excluding BIL 2, who doesn't pretend). S's comment to me was "it must be exhausting to always pretend". I will admit, his comment caught me off guard and I told him I personally can't understand that type of existence. S agreed.

As we were standing there, the dog brought her bowl into the kitchen and dropped it at S's feet. He gave me a look. I had to explain. For one, she quit eating her meals in her "room" and we found she wanted to eat in the kitchen, where she has an extra water dish. So, I feed her in the kitchen when I am preparing breakfast and again at dinner time.

When she first moved in, she had to be trained to sit and wait to be told it was okay to eat her food, otherwise she was jumping up and wouldn't wait for the dish to be set down. At that time, C had purchased a bowl with a maze in it to make it harder for her to just inhale the food. It looked like a toddler's bowl. C laughed when I had her patiently sitting within a couple of days and I worked on getting her to realize no one was going to steal her food and she didn't have to suck it down. Well, it seems she has decided she has outgrown her toddler dish with the maze and refused to eat out of it. She picked up her extra water bowl, which was empty and dropped it at my feet next to her little maze bowl. I transferred over the food and she ate it up. So, to test if this was an anomaly or a new "thing" I moved the bowl back and sure enough she has decided that she is not a baby any more.

S and I talked about the dog. She will be staying with me a bit longer as C does renovations on the house. I am okay with it for now. She really is amusing and insanely smart. I will give her that. Although, D and I have decided our dog was book smart and this one is more street smart. LOL.

With the better weather and my leg healing, I may be able to take her for walks now. This weekend is supposed to be unseasonably warm. They keep changing the forecast in regards to rain. We will see. I would walk her in the rain, but she doesn't like getting wet and the rain coat she had when she came to first stay with me no longer fits her. My lab would have been rolling in puddles. This one seems to want a new raincoat and a pair of doggie galoshes. LOL

[MourningDove]

I have been essentially alone all weekend except for S and D both stopping in briefly. It is a bit of an odd feeling at the moment. I am embracing the solitude and break from having to play "M", but I am missing human interaction, I must admit.

I have truly determined that I can be alone, but I am someone who wants someone in my life. That person that even just checks in with me to see how my day went, and vis versa. It is not a need to have someone here all the time, although that would probably suit me just fine as long as they had their own interests and weren't like FIL who would follow people around because he didn't have his own things to occupy his time.

I am also learning that I don't do want to be controlled or feel controlled, nor do I have any desire to be in control of anyone else. I never have, although Xh when MLC hit used to say I was controlling like his M. Now I realize that is projection and not how I am wired.

What I have learned is I can be assertive when I want something or see someone does need to take the lead. It is not my first choice in most cases. In other cases, I sometimes like being the one who makes the first move, but that requires a whole lot of trust and being in a more intimate situation where it won't be seen as some form of control.

I can take the lead for instance when someone puts me in charge of something, like the gallery exhibit and I don't have time for BS from "someone".

I want to have some control over things that affect me directly. But control someone else? No thanks.

Even when it comes to my kids. I have never wanted to control their lives. Sometimes as a M, I have watched them say, learn how to ride a bike and know they were going to fall. I didn't want them to get hurt, but knew sometimes in life they were going to perhaps crash figuratively or in reality and I could only be there to help them nurse the injuries. I didn't ever want them to somehow not learn to live life and make their own mistakes. And, there were times I stepped in or Xh did when it was something that required an adult actually being a parent.

Right now, I am witnessing S learning very quickly what it will be like to truly be on his own. It is not easy to sometimes bite my tongue and not warn him about this or that. I have made the decision to not interfere in most cases. What has happened is he has reached out for advice and we discuss things like adults and I don't treat him like a baby. I don't want that role anymore and he doesn't want me to be that way.

What is emerging is still this very close bond with the kids and I. One where they know I am here for them and in some ways a better situation for all of us. We have been through this traumatic experience together and we all need this final set of steps to reach a new type of normal where we are past some of the nonsense. It feels like the place where they would have been if Xh hadn't blown up life - a normal progression.

I am under no illusion that there won't be other hiccups in regards to Xh's shenanigans. That would be foolish of me to believe that at this point. Even if (and no I am not wishing for this) he died, I have this immediate sense that somehow his estate would even pose some sort of headache that would somehow affect the kids or I. Where during the divorce it was hammered into our heads that we needed to, as parents, make sure our wills and the like were all set, including mandated life insurance until the kids were out of college, I am doubting Xh made any appointments to address those things, as he had still not changed me as his emergency contact at the college where he was teaching.

I have no control over what Xh has done or is doing. If something pops up, I will deal with it as it comes. I am not going to worry. Even with this trip with S. I can't worry about whether or not the family repeats the weird burial or not. There is no point in worrying as it is just a waste of energy.

All of these thoughts have been rolling in as I am officially pretty much on my own. D is busy with school and around only for dinners and sleeping. On the weekends, she is busy with her BF or studying.

I suspect the puppy will be leaving in a few weeks as well.

I am pushing myself to work on the bathroom and was up until midnight working diligently. I made a great amount of progress and am back at it today. It brings a certain level of satisfaction and a desire to tackle more things. The weather is gorgeous outside and the idea of going for a hike with someone by my side or enjoying the back deck crosses my mind. I long for those moments. I am almost afraid of thinking I am moving into another phase of my life. The kids both left that first year for college and I had time to myself. The pandemic brought them both back full time and now I am wondering what life will bring my way. I am almost hesitant to put the focus on myself for fear I will be pulled back into some sort of full time "M" role. I would like a bit of a break from that, TBH. 

[UrsaMajor]

You know you'll miss the puppy pouncing on you at 7 in the morning... and snarky kid comments... OK, maybe the Velociraptors will be missed a bit but the rest I am sure that we could all do without, right?

Regarding "control," we have all had to learn one way or the other that we only have real control over our own emotions, our own selves. We can maybe influence others but control? Nope...

Bathroom Progress is also good! Not having to go to mom and dad's to shower is always a positive thing, right? <grin>

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor - Yes, the progress is honestly helping my general mood. It doesn't feel quite as daunting, although I am sure those moments will come again at some point. I am not anticipating them, but I am not ruling it out either - sort of mentally preparing to at least accept it is a possibility and thereby being able to better navigate it. At least that is the hope.

I have today off, but I am so exhausted. I spent the last two days working hanging the show at the gallery. My coworker showed up for part of the time and helped with the physical work to a point for a couple of hours, but I had to remind her to take it easy since she is still only had this major surgery a month ago. She stayed for a couple of hours each day and that was a great relief to have at least some input. But, for the most part, it was all on me to get the room stripped and new pieces put up. It is a lot of physical labor, but it is incredibly mentally exhausting, which people find very hard to understand if they haven't done it. I had one customer who came in yesterday who was convinced that work just randomly gets hung in the space. Not if it is going to be cohesive. I used to tell students a good exhibit or a portfolio should tell a story or have some flow to it. That takes time and thought.

My M noted I looked completely wiped out this morning. I was fast asleep last night very early and would have been in bed earlier had I not forgotten that I had stripped the bed first thing in the morning. As I attempted to make the bed last night the puppy thought it was a game and would jump on the bed and off of it as I tried to get sheets on it. I normally tuck it all in neatly. I got the sheets properly set up, but gave up with the blankets last night, simply because I was tired of the dog's game. She settled in immediately after I crawled into bed and she fell asleep - of course. LOL.

I woke up this morning and saw the mess the bed was and I will tackle that today when D can keep the dog occupied long enough for that to happen.

What dawned on me last night on my way home was that as tired as I was, I felt this extreme sense of accomplishment. I was happy with the results of my efforts. I stayed way later than I had planned, which annoyed D a bit, as she had dinner waiting for me. When I explained to her part of my delay was I was rewiring several of my own pieces in the exhibit that my boss wanted me to put in the gallery. I didn't like the way the wires were pulling on the framing, as they are very large pieces of work and I had to reconfigure that. I would have had to bring them home again, which would mean rewrapping them to protect them and then do the work at home and repeat the wrapping process, etc. I said I felt it made more sense to work more efficiently and just address the problem, even if it meant an extra hour and a half of my own time.

Aside from D, there was no one I had to really answer to. Part of me is enjoying that aspect of being independent and not answering to people. But then there is another part of me that craves companionship. I keep wondering where the balance will ever be. I don't want to put my own work above a relationship all the time, but it may happen. I don't want to be an afterthought either when it comes to someone else.

Way before MLC, Xh and I had a really good balance that worked for the two of us. I know other people couldn't understand it. We loved being with one another, but accepted for instance that when one or the other might have a deadline for a project it meant that we needed to make adjustments. I had a couple of nights where I found myself at my office at the time until 2 am to meet a deadline. Xh came and brought me dinner and we spent a bit of time with one another. He would check on me and see if I was okay, but he didn't get upset. He knew it was a project that was really important to me.

And there were occasions when we might get annoyed. It wasn't always perfect, but we worked through that. When the kids were born, those things did change and we had to adapt. We made it possible though for each of us to have some time to ourselves if we needed it. If either of us felt neglected or taken for granted we expressed it and tried to adjust.

It is that whole time period when things went off the rails that creates these questions in my head. I want to have someone in my life, but are they going to be able to accept that I don't want a shadow all the time? It has nothing to do with not wanting to be around someone. I like having someone near me and spending time with them. But, I know I have moments where I might find myself needing to stay at work a bit later, etc.

Part of this pondering is because I have a friend who was grumbling about her BF not being able to see her this week. She was actually upset with him. He travels for work and the schedule changed. He didn't change the schedule, which I pointed out to her. My response to her was to ask a question, as she knows I won't sugar coat it. I asked her if she knew this about him when they met. She said yes that she knew that out the gate and accepted it. I asked her what has changed in regards to him - was he not paying attention to her when he was around. She admitted no that wasn't it at all. Quite the opposite. So, my next question was whether this is some deal breaker for her. She was shocked at that question and said no. My response then was I guess she needed to figure out how to perhaps make time with him via phone or something else when he is away or to embrace the time she has with him. Or there was the other option, which I knew was not an option - to break it off with him.

The point I made to her was at our age, the realities are very different in that, we are going to be finding people in our lives who have perhaps established careers or families, etc that factor in there. It is what makes it sometimes a bit more complicated at times. We discussed what options there were in terms of if one wants a relationship or companionship or solitude. We both determined that being alone is not really something either of us would want. Companionship is too compartmentalized for both of us. So, that means with a relationship it is accepting certain things or learning to navigate them. She laughed and told me that she hated when I was right. I reminded her that I haven't figured a whole lot out, so I am not sure I am right - LOL.

[MourningDove]

I know, I know - I am going to be on that Hades bus for a long time. Sigh.

Today has been "a day".

D was mercurial. She had plenty of reason to be. She is off from school for the week and S called. She could hear Xh in the background. I saw her bristle. This whole trip thing has D's feelings bubbling up. Why wouldn't it? She realizes S is not to blame. She wouldn't really want to be on that trip right now. But, there is a sting or a gut punch that comes with these moments. Hearing Xh behaving like it is all "normal" is upsetting. There are old feelings. New feelings. And then it comes out as it needs to, but I am the one getting to field these moments. It makes me both sad and angry.

I have never been one to like drama, but now more than ever, I find it sometimes just sets me on edge. And today, I was so tired that any drama added to my exhaustion. I tried desperately to avoid it today, as much as possible. 

It would be later my former coworker from the gallery contacted me. She and Ms Management have a long running feud. If push comes to shove, it is my former coworker I would always side with. But, that said, I really try to stay out of it. I try to just listen. The former coworker is an older woman and someone I have a huge amount of respect for and have known for many, many years. But, she can hang onto things for a very long time. Today, she had one in sideways and brought up other things. I have heard it all before and I just let her get it out of her system, but by the time she was done, I had to take the dog outside just to clear my head.

It was then I secured a seasonal pass it would seem on the Hades bus. I was in a bit of a mood by then. Not cranky, but a bit sassier than normal. My M called to tell me that their contractor had stopped by. They have been on the list to have some repairs done to the siding on their house. My M has mentioned this man before. Did I know him. Nope. Know his sister, I think - if it is the same family. Well, tonight she called and let me know that she asked him to come and look at the damage in the library. It has been a persistent issue for years and I thought the new roof would fix it, but there is one area that gets an ice dam. I have my suspicions as to why and what needs to happen.

I caught it early on and smashed a hole in the ceiling of the library much to the shock of my kids. I had done so much work to repair the damage and hadn't had any issues for a couple of years now. I just knew that after learning some things along the way that if I didn't poke a hole in the ceiling, the water would spread and I would be replacing a bigger section of ceiling. I wasn't even upset when I did it. I was in some ways grateful because it answers the question I had for such a long time, which was one I posed for many years with FIL and Xh - I am almost certain it has to do with the gutter on the front of the house and the insulation in the entry way. Frankly, it is not on my priority list at the moment. I am letting the ceiling dry and it isn't a problem.

But, it would seem my M has been concerned about how I am to find myself alone soon. She is worried I will be lonely. I have said it before - my M doesn't understand how I operate on some levels. She means well. But, I have to have some connection for me to be interested at all.

Now there is a bit of a funny backstory to it all. My M gives herself credit for pointing out my Xh years ago. She did, when we were out at dinner and she clearly was not happy with the man I was dating. Truth be told, nor was I. But, she saw my now Xh and asked why I couldn't find a nice looking young man like that waiter. I didn't know his name at the time, but knew he was in the same classes I was in college. Months later he and I became friends and my M realized immediately it was the same young man she pointed out.

So of course, D thought this whole thing tonight was very funny as it unfolded. My M has decided to dip into her inheritance and wants to pay for the contractor to do the repairs on my ice dam damage. Uh huh. I wasn't suspicious at first. Until she mentioned he went to the same high school as I did, but graduated 8 years after I did. Hmmmm. Okay.  Then came the "he is very handsome. He has 2 sons who are in high school and he has them every other weekend and tonight". I couldn't help myself when I asked when he would be showing up. She said she would let me know, as he would call and let her know what day and time. My answer was "good, I will be sure to show up at the door in full makeup and a low cut dress". My M did not think that was terribly amusing. D was laughing hysterically and my sister was on speaker phone with D and heard my response, to which D had to explain to her what had just gone on. D said my mom picked the last man out maybe I should go for it. My response was “sure - look how that turned out”. D giggled and said that I had a good run. LOL

Great. Now I am going to feel all weird about this contractor showing up. Yay. LOL.

My M means well. I keep reminding myself of this.

Some of it is I don't tell her too much. She worries for one. Secondly, there has been nothing to really tell, except when my F randomly asks about someone else and even then it is not like I share too much.

I sometimes will. I share when I do something really enjoyable, etc. But, I have found more now that I don't always want to share some things. I think I shared so much of what went on in my marital meltdown that I have formed this cocoon around my personal life. IDK.

I won't actually show up a the door like that - certainly not intentionally, although I was in just a bathrobe this morning when the doorbell rang. I found myself there, thinking it was my F dropping something off to find out it was the garbage company who wanted to give me the updated recycling schedule. SMH.

I decided to pour a glass of wine and go into the library for a bit. I registered my one painting for an exhibit coming up and put it on my calendar to physically drive the piece to the location for drop off. It is a two hour drive one way, but I need the reason to escape. My sister can't go. I am not saying a word at the moment. I am not entirely opposed to making the trip by myself. It is a gorgeous trip. I may take the next day off and make a weekend of it. Four days away might be a nice escape.

[UrsaMajor]

Uhmmmmmm ..... I have a vague memory of a story about workers showing up and having to go into your basement, then following you back up the stairs and you worried about inadvertent exposure if I recall correctly... Wasn't that another of Mom's "suggestions?"

Off to Hades we go...


Poor D though.... I can imagine that got her a bit knotted up, hearing GWPWELFV-Dad sounding like everything is peachy-keen. I wonder if the B's ashes are in the console yet waiting for a trip to WVa? How's S holding up? How's his GF doing with the psycho-dog?

When will you get a new puppy of your own after C takes the current one for real?
(I just upped my bus ticket to first class)

As for Ms. Management and Co...

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor - Ah, yes - the plumber. That was a chance thing, but my M asked me later when I was relaying the story if he was single and how old, etc.

I haven't asked S about his trip back yet. He had called to ask me if I was going to be home today. Seems the toolbox he ordered for work the night before he left originally was going to be here in 3 weeks. They had one in stock and it is arriving today sometime. It has to be inspected and signed for. So, my plans changed. If it isn't received then it will be weeks before he can get it delivered again and he needs it. So much for my plans. 

As for GF and psycho dog - GF stopped by yesterday after work. She works about 5 miles from here. She came to gather up some of the boxes that are going to the house. I asked her how things were going. She said it was tough because the dog has developed this new habit where she licks herself continually. The vet said it sounds like anxiety driven. She started it when Xh left and it wasn't as bad when S was around, but now the dog just licks non-stop and usually when it is bed time. GF said the licking noise keeps her awake and she is exhausted. GF figures it is because Xh has been gone so long and that dog is used to having him around.

I told her that it didn't surprise me. The older cat we have was Xh's. She adored him and he fussed over her. She would sit on his shoulder while he worked on client projects in his home office and then she would do the same if he was in the garage. We used to joke she thought he was a pirate and she was a parrot. When he left she started scratching the side of the couch continually. And her behavior changed. She was skittish and acted very odd for a very long time. I had to work with her and she has clearly attached herself to me now, although I don't let her sit on my shoulders.

And our dog was keenly aware Xh was gone. It took her some time to adjust as well. When he would show up she used to get so excited. But as time went on and he disappeared and rarely showed up at all to see the kids, she barely gave him the time of day. It used to upset Xh, but I would just say to him "what did you expect"?

I think that is why it was so hard when Xh showed up when we had the dog put down. He had abandoned her along with the rest of his life and he shows up at the end of her life. On the one hand, I get it. On the other though, it just seems almost cruel to show up.

I often think about when my M's M was dying. My grandmother reminded us of her final wishes. She wanted no part of being "shown" and only wanted immediate family at the funeral home and funeral. And my grandmother was adored by a lot of people, but she said she didn't need to be put on display and commented that if people wanted to come see her they should have done it when she was alive and well. We held to her wishes and put up with a lot of grief from those who hadn't seen her in years. It made us laugh, honestly because we could still hear her words.

Now, as for the puppy question. Hmmmm. I am not opposed to a puppy again. I won't be going out right away to do that. Puppies are a lot of work. That I get. It largely has to do with this particular dog and breed. She is sort of like the hyperactive toddler that is hopped up on sugar in addition to being on her second wind - like overtired crazy. Add to that she is a dog that is built to be very springy. She can bounce like a kangaroo. It is impressive - but not fun when she literally gets a running start and is 3 feet above the bed before she lands on you. My chocolate lab was energetic, and in fact a spaz when she was a puppy, but nothing like this. LOL

[MourningDove]

S called to let me know what he and Xh have been up to and to let me know when the toolbox was supposed to show up. It seems the delivery wasn't going to happen until mid afternoon and I could have kept to part of my plans. But, by then I had already moved my day around to make sure I was available.

S said unbeknownst to him, Xh decided they should go to bike week in Daytona. S said they have been bar hopping, which sort of struck me as really odd, as in Xh was never one to do that and S said Xh was rather intoxicated most nights. But, my friend reminded me of the recent death of his B and maybe that is playing into it. It still shocked me since it had never been something I knew Xh to do, at least not for days on end. We had done a couple of bar crawls in our youth, but even then it was not an exercise in how drunk we could get. S said they were on their way back to see BIL, who is just getting back from a work trip.

When the delivery truck showed up, I wandered out and the sun was out and it was just a perfect spring-like day. I greeted the driver, who was probably in his 50's. We both said how perfect the weather was, and he asked if I had seen the weather report. Yup. We are going to get hit over the head this weekend. I joked that historically if we have a fairly mild winter, which it really has been for us, then we get a good reminder always around St. Patrick's Day that Mother Nature will tell us when it is spring and not before.

It was then that he got this huge smile on his face and he said he was just saying that to his W. And then he became very nostalgic. He said he met his W for the first time on St. Patrick's Day. He told me where he had lived at the time and where she was from and they were supposed to meet for dinner. He had not seen her before. I am not sure if it was a set up or what, but he said it started to storm. I know the area he was talking about and if it storms there, it is a task to drive. He said he considered turning back, but something kept him going and he hoped it would be worth the drive. The smile never left his face as he relayed the story.

He kept working as he told me that he had made mistakes before his W. He met her 15 years ago and he realized that no one is perfect, and he has little regard for people who just throw away someone because they think something better is out there. He said no matter what, he has realized that most days he and his W laugh and smile and that is really all it is about. He said he doesn't see why there has to be more than that.

I realized that there is a lot of truth in that statement. Yes, there has to be attraction. Yes, you have to be able to communicate. But for me, that is what gets me through things. I want someone who makes me laugh and smile. Yes, maybe share deep thoughts and moments, but the man who can make me laugh at silly things is the one who could hold my heart. The person who when you think of them you smile.

That is clearly what this man was doing. Just the mere mention of his W, and the look on his face was one where he clearly couldn't wait to see her when he got home.

It was nice to see that and hear something other than "OMG, my spouse is such a nag or something else".

It is the thing that I know I so desperately want more than someone to simply fill some space in my life and or be the person I go to the movies with. And I have experienced it, but I often lose hope of ever maintaining it simply because I can't quite see where my path is leading me.

That said - it was truly a nice thing to experience and nice to know that there are still people out there who cherish what they have.

[UrsaMajor]

That said - it was truly a nice thing to experience and nice to know that there are still people out there who cherish what they have

<sigh>  Lucky couple...